Someone To Send a Letter To
by WestCoastTrees
Summary: ECLARE Future Fic. Eli and Clare are U of T students, but their lives have rather diverging paths. Will different educational and life choices make them keep the distance or can life sometimes be surprising?
1. Colder Weather

**Hello lovely readers! **

**Soo…this story takes us to college days with slight flashbacks and a transition chapter aka. this one. **

**What might you expect from this story? Eli and Clare are faced with different choices that many guys and gals living in today's world face. You'll see them each choose what to study, how to study, and how to make the best of what they've got. **

**It starts out sad. Really sad. There is a reason for everything in this story though, so just stay with me. I made a big choice in this chapter because it's needed for the rest of the story. So even if we start sad, if you have read my stories you know what type of ending I favour. **

**This story is a bit different, and you'll see why in the next few chapters. Everything that I write is researched and I try to make it as accurate to real life as possible, and in this story it will be crucially important as it will be very much rooted in the society we all live in.**

**I just got tumblr too, and I'd love to talk to you there or on twitter. **

**MOST IMPORTANTLY: Please leave me a review/msg saying if you want me to continue. I will only do so if I know that people are interested, bc if no one is reading it there's really no point!**

**Twitter: westcoasttrees1 and Tumblr: .**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi. **

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This was _exactly_ why she knew it had to end, all that time ago.

The sight of the boy at the end of the hallway and the state he was in…it scared her just as much it had two years ago when they had first begun dating and the monsters hiding in Eli's closet had slowly, but surely surfaced.

He was…too much. Just…too much. And now here he was…down there again. And Clare couldn't help but think that…she knew this would happen. This was the pattern of Eli's life; he was unpredictable and…scary. And she didn't want to be around that. Eli…he just couldn't be a part of her life. Not like that. She didn't know how to help him and despite a very long time of contrary evidence – he seemed to get so much better for a long while there – now here he was again. It was clear that his life had become unmanageable again, reducing him to a tortured boy whose shoulders were shaking as his face lied buried in his hands.

The look of him made her freeze in her steps for a second before she immediately turned around and decided that the detour to science class was well worth it.

She only paused for a fleeting second…wondering if she should maybe talk to him quickly, ask him what class he needed to be in and help him get there, but she knew that…it would be easier just to head in the opposite direction.

It made her sad. Of course it did; she had a kind heart that had just been deeply confused by stress and complicated situations that had nothing to do with the boy who was currently hiding his face in his hands as he rested against his locker, knees shaking. His hair was longer than usual, and unlike the carefully put together Eli that she had seen around the school in the past two years, he now looked scruffy and…his eyes were cloudy – she could tell in the second that they scanned the floor as he moved his hands from his shaking knees to the floor so he could stand up easier. Clare could see that his hair was a little greasy and that his uniform pants needed to be ironed, and she wondered why he looked…just so severe today.

After all, she had watched him get stronger and stronger every day of his grade twelve year, and now he was only two days away from graduation; she thought he would for sure be happy to leave Degrassi and all of the troubles that the school represented for him behind once and for all.

She could count the phrases uttered between them over the last year on her fingers. When the new school year had started, Clare hadn't exactly been looking to spend any time with him, and Eli seemed to take the hint from the very first day of school. He shyly and slowly came to her locker one time and delivered the most heartfelt apology Clare had ever received, emphatically telling her that he was sorry for absolutely everything. Clare saw the slight shaking of his lips as he proceeded to say that he knew that his words probably meant nothing to her now, and that he would like to prove it to her – and that he would, by finally respecting her wishes like he should have done a long time ago, and…giving her her space and not getting in her way. Clare had been a little too taken aback at the raw emotion that was etched all over his face and that made his voice crack on a couple of occasions through the simple sentences, and she had said nothing in reply but a soft "Okay," and Eli had then slowly turned around and walked away from her.

From that moment on, for the rest of the school year, she never approached him and he never approached her. Clare had a feeling that Eli was still looking out for her from a distance; a particular moment in which Jake's truck had broken down in the morning and been magically fixed by the afternoon made her a little more suspicious than usual. Had Eli known that Jake had begun giving her driving lessons on the truck and that, as Jake remarked a few times, it needed a bit more work to run at its maximum efficiency? Clare didn't want to ask him, only later to find out that Jake had been the one to approach Eli, simply asking him a question about the engine. Jake then shook his head in confusion as he shrugged and told Clare that by the time that he had gone out to meet Eli at the time that they had agreed upon once Eli had offered to help, the engine was already fixed.

Other than slightly awkward hallway hellos and moments where Eli would hold the door to their English classroom open for Clare if they happened to get there at the same time, their paths didn't intersect anymore, and she made a conscious effort to make sure they wouldn't exactly do so. Eli didn't work on the school musical in the new school year, so Clare gladly went back to that favourite activity of hers.

But Clare knew that when the actors were a mess over being able to synthesize the original lines of _Footloose_ into a version that would be an appropriate length for a high school play, Fiona had taken the script to the person who she knew was the best writer of the school. Just the next day, as Clare was arranging the wide variety of props that were needed, she could hear Imogen saying the new lines out loud and…she could _just tell_. It was just…_all Eli_; the words; the structure; the poignant pauses in scenes between the female lead, played by Imogen, and the male lead, played by Liam. But it wasn't just the new, concise lines; Eli's writing had made the original script…so much better; it had awakened latent feelings in Clare, in the actors, in Fiona, in…everyone who came into contact with it. The emotion between the leads was palpable; the tension in some scenes was enough to cause chills to come over all audience members, and nothing but Eli's monologue in _Love Roulette _had come close to a particular scene in the new play. When the musical had finally been performed on opening night, chills _did_ overtake Clare as she watched Liam and Imogen act it out…and that wasn't only because the two were each other's love interests _off stage_ as well; it was…the words they said.

It was a simple scene, but its very simplicity was its genius. Eli had adapted it; it was really different in the original version, Clare knew, because she had watched Imogen and Liam go over it again and again before Eli's new version and she hadn't even remarked it as a scene of significance to the musical as a whole; her recommendation would have been to scrap it – but Fiona never really asked her for advice. She praised Clare's work on props and playfully told her that Declan had been right about her, but when it came to anything to do with the script, Clare knew who Fiona would go to. Well, they were friends too, Clare thought with a shrug, pushing the thought that despite all her efforts to get published over the past year, nothing had come to fruition.

But deep down inside, Clare knew that Fiona went to Eli for help not just simply because they were friends…it was all too clear in every word of the play, and most striking in the new scene. It came at the point in the musical where the boy and the girl had the inevitable fight – and the girl was stubborn and didn't want to forgive him. So the boy just waited, walking around in the rain thinking about and regretting the mistakes he had made, and ultimately seeking shelter…in a small chapel. The sight of Liam's sobbing form, his back turned to the audience as he sat on a bench facing a simple wooden cross with his face buried in his hands was an image that haunted Clare that day. Above all, the choice of the setting intrigued and puzzled her - out of all places, Eli had chosen…a chapel? And, _God_, Clare sighed…with his back to the audience and sitting down on a bench on top of the dimly lit stage…Liam had looked _so much_ like Eli, their small frame being very similar….and with a pair of headphones slung around his neck.

But Eli had written…a happy ending. He had placed Liam's character in the chapel just long enough to produce a powerful emotional catharsis, but Imogen's character's running footsteps could soon be heard, and one sobbing form soon merged into two as their bodies melted into each other's hug.

There wasn't a single dry eye in the auditorium the night of the play when that scene was performed.

Eli had never come to rehearsals afterschool when Clare was working, and Clare knew that he was doing this in order to give her her space. He did however, come to opening night in order to support Fiona – he sat in the very back and Clare saw him walk up to the stage at the very end of the everyone's bows and rounds of applause in order to give Fiona a bouquet of pretty pink flowers. Eli's name was credited in the program, but…not once did he break his promise to Clare. He gave her all the space anyone could ask for. Eli felt by Clare was irritated by his presence; she had purposefully walked away from him when he was desperately trying to explain things during the production of _Love Roulette,_ a palpable…hardness taking over her entire body. Eli thought Clare was disgusted with him and the manner in which he seemed to be unable to control his own life. He was a complete case of unmanageability, from more viewpoints than once, and Eli felt Clare hated that and hated him. He could still remember every twitch of every muscle in her face as she uttered the words, "_We are never getting back together_," and Eli could never shake that memory off, no matter how much he tried. That declaration made him feel like he was…worthless, and that he would never deserve her love. That he was…just all wrong. Always all wrong. No matter what he said or did. No matter how hard he tried, he would always just…make no sense to Clare.

Mrs. Dawes had partnered a new student with Eli in English class; a pretty and shy new girl whose assignments always turned out perfectly structured and opinionated – Clare knew this because Mrs. Dawes often picked her to read her assignments out loud in class. She could also recognize Eli's editing in there – the sentences often had a subordinate clause thrown in that really shouldn't have been in there – it would have been better to start a whole new sentence instead, something she had once upon a time managed to subdue in his writing, but it seemed that now Eli was back to making that mistake again.

But that was Eli for you.

And it seemed to Clare that after a year of what looked to her like the boy who she had first met, he was right back to the Eli who she felt like she _never _knew.

He never made it to English class that afternoon.

Mrs. Dawes didn't say anything though – Principal Simpson had sent her, as well the rest of Eli's teachers, the memo via e-mail.

Clare didn't see the light film of tears that flooded Mrs. Dawes' eyes as she read the few lines that said so much. Mrs. Dawes absolutely couldn't believe it and she was so rattled that she allowed her class to have silent reading that day – for the entire period. Clare just interpreted that action on the teacher's part as a bit of relaxation as summer was approaching. She didn't see Mrs. Dawes' face slowly be invaded by more tears as she cleaned out her bookcase for the summer – a task she had purposefully chosen because she knew it would allow her to turn and face away from her students.

But Clare simply shrugged it off as just Eli bailing on one class because it was likely that he had been admitted to university already; not that Clare knew which ones he had applied to or which offer he had accepted. If he hadn't changed his mind from his thoughts in grade eleven, she suspected that he had opted for U of T – after all, they had spent many fall nights sitting on the hood of Morty and looking forward to their college days. Eli had always said that the best Canadian writers always went to U of T, playfully citing stories about Margaret Atwood's time there because he knew that the eccentric woman was one of her favourite writers.

But that didn't mean anything, Clare reflected. Eli could change his mind from one minute to the next, transforming from the boy who impressed her to the boy who she couldn't be around.

Two days later, as she sat in between her mom and Glen and watched Jake cross the stage, Clare allowed her mind to think about Eli for just a second – he didn't even come to his own graduation, and Clare didn't see his parents there either. This reminded her of Eli's lack of interest in school dances – he had never been a big joiner, but…this was his _graduation_.

She knew he was in a dark place; it was written all over his face, and it didn't seem to go away. When she casually mentioned it to Adam, her friend replied that Eli was going through a hard time right now, and Clare didn't push any further, being able to sense the hesitation in Adam's voice. She assumed that Eli asked Adam not to share the contents of whatever conversation the two best friends must have had.

Clare did, however, see Eli the next day when all students circulated through each of their classes in order to return their textbooks. She caught the worried look on Mrs. Dawes' face as she gently took the books from Eli's shaking hands, and she heard Mrs. Dawes gently ask Eli if he had been taking his medication. He replied in a soft, but honest and assertive tone, "Yes," making Clare wonder…why his hands were shaking so often then. She knew that Eli was telling the truth, but she hated to see him so distraught even with the help of his medication.

As she strained to listen further, she caught fragments of the conversation that Mrs. Dawes was clearly pushing a reluctant Eli into.

"…I know you will like it there, Eli," the teacher said in a soothing tone.

"…not sure I'm going anymore, Mrs. Dawes," was his response, making Clare all the more intrigued. She could hear Mrs. Dawes softly gasp, and she turned to see her favourite teacher shaking her head slowly before she continued,

"…think it would be a mistake not to, Eli. You worked so hard. You should go, Eli. U of T is the perfect fit for you. _She would want you to go, Eli_," Mrs. Dawes poignantly said before Clare was then shocked to see his eyes get teary.

"I…I…you're right, Mrs. Dawes. I'm just –"Eli faltered.

"You're what, Eli?"

"I'm…supporting more than myself right now," he softly said.

"Well, you could still live at home, Eli, U of T is so close," Mrs. Dawes continued, and Clare wondered what she meant by that.

"I – I'm going to try, I…you're right. She would want me to," Eli emphatically said, locking his gaze with Mrs. Dawes'.

Who was he talking about? Julia? Did Mrs. Dawes know about Julia? Although Clare had been able to clearly see that Eli's therapy had led him to healthier space where he wasn't so closed off from the world, Eli had a very hard time imagining that Eli would tell Mrs. Dawes about Julia. The girl's memory seemed like a precious jewel to Eli – it had taken him quite an effort and a while to tell Clare about her…and Clare simply couldn't imagine Eli telling Mrs. Dawes about her.

The bell then quickly rang – it was set for only ten minute classes on this modified day, and Clare made her way through the rest of her day slowly and calmly, trying to push the memory of the strange interaction between Eli and Mrs. Dawes out of her mind.

But when she saw him walking through the door, it hit her like a tidal wave.

That was _the last time_ that Eli would be walking through those doors, and the realization froze her entire body for a second before she ran after him and assertively called out,

"Eli!" which caused him to turn around, every movement looking…so incredibly laborious on his part. Clare noted with a frown that his hair was just as messy as it tended to be in his moments of crisis, and his pants were still creased and not ironed. He looked very unkempt…almost like a lost little boy who desperately needed guidance and…a hug and a kiss and someone to tell him that everything would be okay.

"Clare?" he asked confusedly, and she saw that he was clutching several books, obviously bringing everything from his locker home.

She then said the three words that Eli never wanted to hear coming from her.

"Good luck, Eli," and he cast her a sad smirk before softly saying, "Thank you".

And just like that, he stepped through the doors of Degrassi for the last time.

It wasn't until two years later, when she was at U of T, that Clare found out that the week before Eli's graduation was the week…his dad had died. And that furthermore, Bullfrog had passed away just four days after his wife had, leaving Eli completely shell-shocked and grasping at straws as he was left truly alone.

While Cece had suffered a stroke, Eli knew that Bullfrog had died of…a broken heart. The doctor had told him it was a heart attack, but having treated Cece himself as well, the doctor said to a completely pale-faced Eli that would he actually be allowed to identify 'broken heart' as a cause of death, he would have in this case. The doctor said he had seen it a number of times in his career; when a husband and wife were soul mates and best friends who had spent the majority of their lives together, loving and looking after each other, and one passed…the other one soon followed. He said it usually took a number of months and that he had never seen it happen so quickly ever before, but…Eli knew. He understood how his dad felt; he realized that it was like the aftermath of Julia's death had been for him, but many times over – his parents had been married for 18 years.

Their lives had been filled with love and with looking after each other so patiently and carefully and having a lot of fun together as well, and…hopefully with not too much stress because of him, Eli hoped. Tears flooded his eyes when he remembered the many times that his parents were on his side, time and time again…even when he was wrong.

He loved them wholeheartedly, and he would carry them with him forever. Eli had heard many theories on death and healing and had many conversations with his therapist on the subject. Eli shared with her that as much as he wanted to wholeheartedly believe that his mom and dad were both together in a happy place now, he admitted that he believed that while that was a beautiful and reassuring thought that could bring some people some comfort…that was all it was. Although Eli had stopped seeing his therapist when grade twelve had started, she called him upon hearing about the death of his mom from Bullfrog – down to his last days, Bullfrog had still put Eli first and made sure to make him an appointment with his doctor. Eli's kind therapist told him that it was okay to feel guilt over the fact that he couldn't save his mom, that he couldn't save his dad, that he couldn't save Julia and told him that it was normal to cry himself to sleep every night, and that it was okay that he never slept more than six hours at most every night, when his nightmares would permit him even this small luxury.

Their discussions on death and coping had been steered expertly and thoughtfully by her, and Eli did a lot more listening than he did talking; he was still in a state of shock and it was a long time until he submerged from it. Mrs. Dawes' comment had illustrated to him that…she was right; Cece would have wanted him to go to college, and so he did. It was one of the most difficult and draining decisions that Eli had ever made. But he knew he owed it to his mom and dad; they had always supported him in everything that he did. Bullfrog would always joke with Eli that he never thought he would have an 'intellectual' kid who would likely go to grad school – Bullfrog himself had gone out into the job market right after completing his radio major and Cece had begun working for an accounting firm after the completion of her Bachelor's.

They were always so proud of Eli's achievements and even if they didn't always understand the sources of his writing ideas, Eli knew they loved him fiercely and wanted nothing but to protect him, and even two years after their death, saying that his parents were _dead _still felt to incredibly foreign to him. His aunt, Cece's sister, had quickly come down from Hamilton, her husband joining her just a few days later, as soon as he could get off work, and they led the funeral efforts, and tried to convince Eli to come back to Hamilton and live with them. Eli remembered his aunt from his childhood quite well, and she was a very sweet and merry hearted woman…but Eli kept seeing his mother's expressions in her face and their voices…they were _so similar_…they were _so alike_ that Eli knew that he couldn't possibly live with her and her husband and not cry himself to sleep every night as he would go over each expression that she had said in a day that he could easily imagine his mom saying as well.

Furthermore, his aunt had just recently gotten married – it was still under a year, he remembered, as he had been to the wedding - the family photo they had taken at that occasion would be the last complete photo of his family. Eli knew that his aunt and her husband would want to start a family of their own soon and he knew that a damaged teenager was the last thing they needed around. His aunt had been extremely encouraging when he had politely said that he had to think about going to university in the fall, and Eli knew that her and her husband had paid the rest of the mortgage on the house so that it could technically be his own.

He felt deeply ashamed that he couldn't provide for himself, no matter how many times his aunt and her husband would tell him that was a ridiculous notion, and that after all, he was their boy too and they wanted him to have the best in life – and that included going to the best university in the country, the university he had been rightly accepted to. Eli was extremely grateful that he had earned a scholarship that would completely cover the first year of his tuition, and he became even more embarrassed when a day after his aunt and uncle returned to Hamilton, he saw that they placed ten thousand dollars into his bank account with a letter saying that they hoped it would help him with textbooks and the cost of living, and that they would soon send him more. He called them immediately, and was ultimately unable to convince them to take the money back, but he firmly declared that one day, when he could, he would _absolutely_ pay them back. The conviction in his voice as he said that took his aunt aback at the other end of the phone, and even though she meant to never take any of Eli's future money, she knew that all she could do in that moment was to softly say the only words that Eli needed to hear.

"All right, baby boy, all right. We'll worry about that when the time comes – after many years, though, Eli, you hear me? Once you finish all of your degrees. I don't ever want you to worry about money, it's under control. Don't you ever let it influence any decision. Don't think about the money, baby boy," she said, and Eli had to try hard to stop his voice from cracking at the use of the affectionate term that his mother so frequently employed.

But while all of this was happening in Eli's world, Clare had no idea of any of it. Eli watched her start a relationship with a new boy in grade twelve, but he was too numb from the death of both of his parents to study the nature of their relationship well. It was clear from hallway kisses and giggles that John had made Clare happy, and Eli knew that they had broken up because the boy was a year older and he would be heading to college, opting to head out west. Eli hoped Clare wasn't too upset about the break-up, but she seemed to be okay, and before Eli knew it, he had walked out of the doors of Degrassi for the last time.

However, it was only upon finding out the shocking news two years later that Clare remembered Eli's state and kicked herself mentally for…not even asking him if he was okay when she had seen him so upset in the hallway. A large tremor overtook her body when she realized why Eli never seemed to eat lunch in that period, and why his look was so dishevelled…he no longer had a mother to look after him, to check that his uniform was okay and that he didn't slip away, but by bit. And Clare thought that…she could have asked – when she had seen him sitting down against his locker in obvious distress, but she had…just walked away instead.

Sure, two years later, they shared a class at U of T and she would often see him around campus, though she didn't think he actually lived on campus, and she could that…he was all right and that he had managed to overcome yet another deep trauma that had plagued his life, but…she couldn't believe that she didn't even know until…_two years_ later.

Eli…had had the worst thing possible that could happen to a child happen to him, and…she was just a few steps away from him in that last week of grade twelve, but…so far away.

Of course Eli didn't go to graduation, she then reflected.

It was a bit of a saying among Degrassi students that graduation was for parents, while prom was the real fun – the event for students. But Eli went to neither; how could he go to a dance a few days after both of his parents…died? And why he would possibly go to graduation?

He had no one to watch him walk across the stage.

**Please leave me a review! Should I continue the story?**


	2. All Your Life

**Hi lovely readers! **

**So I think I got about 13 reviews asking the story to continue…good enough for me!**

**This is an extremely long chapter. Grab a warm coffee/tea/hot chocolate and relax. You have been through a hit with that first chapter. You will understand why Cece and Bullfrog sadly had to pass next chapter. **

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**Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi. **

Clare had become quite good at never thinking about Eli; the first of Jake's kisses had initiated that task, and day by day her schedule became full of activities, friendships were tested, relationships ended and began, and she got used to living with Glen and Jake while she was in her last two years of high school, and Eli really did begin to feel like a memory that time left behind. It became even easier with him not being at Degrassi.

But the minute in which she walked into her Canadian Studies seminar – a class that was a mandatory requirement for all English majors at U of T – and saw him, with his dark hair and green eyes just as poignant as ever…all the memories came rushing back at once. Sitting all the way at the opposite end of the lecture hall from the door which Clare had entered, he gave her a tiny smile that looked much too sad to Clare, but the lecture was quickly underway. It had 65 students, and Eli sat at the other end of the lecture hall from Clare _every _class – and she feared that she knew exactly why he did that. He didn't want to be perceived as clingy and he wanted to respect the promise that he had made her…that he would give her her space and not bother her. Clare noticed that the same boy sat with Eli everyday, and she heard Eli refer to him as Daniel. The two seemed to know each other on the first day of classes, and Clare assumed that Daniel was a friend that Eli must have made last year.

For his own, Eli thought that it was for the best that he ended up sharing the large class with Clare – U of T was a big school with 60 000 students in its downtown campus, but Eli had guessed that Clare was also trying for an English major – U of T students didn't apply to their respective majors until their third year, which meant that by the time that Clare had arrived for her first year and Eli was in his second year, neither of them was officially in the major, but they were completing the same requirements. In the year before her arrival, Eli had seen plenty of his old Degrassi classmates around, so he knew this would happen. But he didn't think it was for the best that they shared Dr. Stevenson's lecture together because it would give them a chance to talk based on some common ground – he rather thought it was a good thing that they shared this class because it was better to be in a sixty-five person class together than a thirty person regular English class or even worse, a fifteen person seminar. From his perspective, Clare never looked at him when they were in class – not even a glance – and although it nearly killed him to be so close to her every second day of the week but never talk to her after not even seeing her for an entire year, he knew that this is what she preferred. So that's what he did. At least the course was one of the best he had taken, he thought in an attempt to make himself feel better. He loved it just as much as any of his English classes, and he never expected to; he originally was irritated that the new requirement was passed just in time for his year to qualify for it.

The new requirement – passed just last year as academic advisors had informed all first-years on their orientation day - was not simply an English class. It also combined sociology and history with political science and a tiny bit of lit. It therefore didn't involve a significant element of discussion like your average English class did. The professor was quite good; Clare had registered in Dr. Stevenson's section precisely after hearing from her orientation leader that his classes were the hardest to get into and that every lecture would blow your mind away. And Clare hadn't been disappointed; Dr. Stevenson was not only so incredibly intelligent, but he was also…hilarious. He wasn't a member of the English faculty; he was rather an instructor in the political science department, which meant that he had probably been asked to teach the new Canadian Studies course in its pilot year in order to give the new requirement a good reputation among faculty and students. Clare had read on the course website that Dr. Stevenson also worked for the Department of National Security as a special advisor, and that explained the pictures of Afghan airfields and Bosnian UN patrols that he sometimes included in his lectures – but Clare had never assumed that they were taken in person until he had appeared in one of the photographs that was placed on a slide, an exaggerated goofy grin on his face as he pointed to a 'EXTREME DANGER PAST THIS POINT – PERSONNEL ONLY' sign that was already several feet behind him.

Clare distinctly heard Eli laugh out loud at that photo; and she quickly snuck a peek at him and saw…a smirk on his face as he stared at the photo…and her heart betrayed her and leapt at the sight of Eli. He seemed…happy and amused, even if just for that one fleeting second. Clare didn't know the details of his past two years, so she really didn't know _just_ how rare it was that Eli laughed out loud these days.

He simply just spent a lot of time alone, especially in the past year before Adam had arrived at U of T. Eli's living situation didn't permit him the luxury of staying on campus – he already felt incredibly guilty that his aunt and uncle had paid the remainder of the mortgage on the house that he had grown up in so he could stay there, so he just commuted to campus. In such a fashion, Eli spent more of his days alone now than he ever had before in his life. And while he previously never disliked being alone, being in his house now…it just seemed so empty. He knew his mind was playing tricks on him when he allowed himself a moment of weakness every day at 6:30, the time that his parents would normally get home from work. He'd move to the staircase in front of the front door at this time, taking a book down there with him for thirty minutes…and just sit and read.

But the door never opened.

Their room was left untouched. His mom's kitchen was kept the same way she liked it. Eli didn't want to wash the clothes that were thrown in the laundry basket, and it took all the mental power he possessed to eventually do so.

_Not_ going back to hoarding was one of the hardest things Eli had ever done. He caught himself starting to – and in a moment of sheer terror, he realized that…maybe he could.

No one needed to know now. No one _would_ know. He could just make sure to never bring Adam home, and he could keep everything and anything that he wanted to, in the entire house. He felt the blood rushing to his cheeks at those thoughts; the thoughts that…he could do whatever he wanted in that respect, and no one would know. He really was on his own, and he knew that even months later, when his aunt would come visit, she wouldn't even get mad at him once she discovered his regression. She was much similar to her sister to do such a thing.

But as his hands started shaking as he quickly held a collection of things that to others would seem meaningless, he caught a glimpse of his mom and dad at his aunt's wedding from the photo on the mantle, and…he dropped the things at once.

_I'm so proud of you, baby boy. _

That declaration of Cece's rang through his mind loud and clear, and…Eli knew he couldn't go back to hoarding. He just couldn't, no matter how much he wanted to. He wished he could believe he had made that choice because he thought his mom could look down on him and see, but Eli knew he didn't believe that theory. She was…dead.

_ But hoarding…no, don't do it, don't do it, don't do it, don't do it..._

So he slowly picked the items off the floor and put them back in their place.

He realized he needed to get used to being alone.

And to self-disciplining himself better.

Eli knew that if he were to head for the stormy, dark cloud of depression which he was so close to…he'd never be able to make his way out.

And while in the summer months following his parents' death, nothing else had really mattered, that one thing did.

He would never be able to come out if he got lost in that cloud. He had some nights when he was sure he wouldn't see the morning sun, and there were days that were so dark that he couldn't wait for night to come, but…no matter what, that was the only goal that he set for himself.

_ Don't get lost in the cloud. _

_ They are not here to help you this time._

_ You'll never make it out on your own. _

_ You don't have enough left to fight with; you'll sink. So don't go swimming. Just don't go there. _

The first morning commute to campus had calmed him down; all around him, he could see that everyone was just as nervous as he was. And as classes and a new routine started, Eli found his balance. Adam was the most loyal friend Eli could have asked for; while other guys had gone out to the beach or chasing girls in the summer, Adam had come to Eli's house and sat and watched movies with him. Every single day. Eli knew that he owed it to Adam to not get lost in the cloud as well.

Fiona always brought Eli dessert treats and mochas, and he always enjoyed spending time with her – there was a bond between the two that they couldn't explain to other people – it was like they simply just…understood each other, no need for explanations or attempts on the part of either one to try to illustrate things other people didn't want to understand. Imogen had also been another pillar for Eli to lean on, and Eli especially hated the way he selfishly took Imogen's patience and friendship…he knew he didn't deserve it. He knew he had acted like a monster in his Clara confusion, and whenever he thought back to those days, it was as if he almost couldn't believe that he had played with a girl's mind that way.

He knew he didn't deserve for forgiveness, and he quickly realized that Imogen was one of the kindest people Eli had ever met. He was glad that while Fiona went to NYU, Imogen opted to stay at U of T as part of her plan to complete a psychology major and a theatre minor. He also knew he didn't deserve all of the campus coffee moments him and Imogen had, or all the times when she patiently took his arm on a difficult day and guided him home if things at school ever became too much. Parents' Orientation was always hard; Cece and Bullfrog had been so proud that he had gotten into U of T.

But bit by bit, Eli's life found its pattern; and when his first assignment was returned to him and he had scored a 90%, Eli felt a rush of excitement take over him…it was a feeling he hadn't experienced in a long time. He settled down quickly into a rhythm of studying and writing and he even took a part time job at the campus book store, finding the time away from his giant empty house a pleasant distraction. There was always something to do at the bookstore, and he got a great discount on his textbooks that way as well.

The commute to school also wasn't bad; it wasn't difficult or long, although the streetcars to campus were always packed and he never could get a seat. Eli didn't want to drive his dad's MGB; he worked on the car, making sure to give it its proper six month maintenance, because…it was his dad's baby. He just had an impulse to keep it in its proper condition, but he never could quite muster the thought of getting behind the wheel and driving it. Selling it was out of the question. He wanted to be able to give money to his aunt and uncle, but…there had to be another way. Eli knew his aunt would be upset with him if she knew that he was thinking about money – he knew she never expected to be paid back, but…Eli knew he would find a way. He had to. Even if it happened after graduation, Eli knew that he would give her all the money that she had spent on him back. He knew his aunt and her husband were trying to start a family of their own, and when the time would come, he knew that kids were expensive. He didn't want to burden anyone else. He had already been such a burden to people…all his life, he reflected as tears threatened to sting his eyes. Such thoughts would sometimes run through his mind while he sat in Dr. Stevenson's lecture, trying consciously to not steal glances at Clare. She was just so pretty, and Eli knew that that thought would dominate his mind if he allowed himself the luxury of looking at her.

While the prospect of university classes still intimidated her a bit – she never had been able to have anything accepted for publishing despite the fact that she had made it her summer goal and that was the first time she had failed at meeting one of them – she felt at ease in Dr. Stevenson's Canadian Studies seminar. A good side of it not being an English class was the fact that it really was a full 50 minutes of pure lectures every Monday, Wednesday and Friday – all she had to do was listen and take notes. Very rarely did Dr. Stevenson ask for examples, and occasionally students did ask questions, but that was also a pretty infrequent occurrence.

Clare was however taken aback on the second week of lectures when Dr. Stevenson asked for an example about halfway through the lecture, glanced right at Eli and _called his name._ This had not happened in any other class of hers – professors referring to students by their names. Some of her English professors had promised that they would eventually get to learn names, or at least make an effort to, while in other classes like history, which had well over one hundred students in each section, Clare knew it was a feat they simply had no interest in. So she was very surprised when Dr. Stevenson…seemed to know Eli, and she reasoned that Eli must have taken one of his courses in the year that he had had at U of T before she got here.

And Eli's answer was spot on – Dr. Stevenson had asked him something about Canadian foreign policy, and a pleased smile formed on his face as he said, "Exactly, that's it, Eli. And _without_ support from the Great Powers, _no_ UN Security Council Resolution can pass; on the other hand, if the Great Powers are on board, they can essentially protect a country for a long time – the best example of this, of course, being India. Great Britain decided that Pakistan's actions composed a threat to international security, and called upon its allies to protect India, a mission that was successfully executed for a long, long time," he continued to explain as Clare couldn't help but gaze in Eli's direction. He was wearing a leather jacket that Clare had never seen before; and his hair was no longer the length that seemed to characterize a state of unbalance with him. It was neatly cut and…it made his eyes really prominent. He was slightly hunched over his notes, and Clare noticed that he kept them in a black clipboard.

It was just a class, she told herself. It had already been two weeks and really, it didn't matter at all that Eli and her were in the same room for 50 minutes every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday – it could have been any other stranger, for all she knew.

It was then that she realized that…she absolutely loathed how things had gotten to be.

And she wondered if it was all her fault, if perhaps she should have tried to be a bit gentler with him after _Love Roulette._

_She knew it was. _

But she also reminded herself, with a tussle of her brown curls, that…it was _Eli's_ fault in the first place. _He_ had been the one to make the relationship unmanageable and the way he acted afterwards their break-up, crazily writing that play, it had all…deeply rattled her.

She felt bad that everything had to end the way it did, but _it had to end_, she reminded herself as she jumped back out of her trance and refocused her attention on Dr. Stevenson.

It didn't help that Eli answered a second question that class.

XXXXXXXXX

"Matt, I'm going to start taking these – just so you know," Eli's aunt said to her husband in their warm and sunny country kitchen in Hamilton. She had just gotten off the phone with Eli, wanting to wish him good luck with the start of classes in his second year, and feeling a little guilty that she had only called after two weeks of classes had already gone by.

"What are you saying, Linda? Why? Wouldn't that…um, defeat the entire purpose of what we're trying to do?" her husband replied with a confused look on his face.

Eli's aunt hoped her husband wouldn't be hurt and that he would understand. She loved him deeply and she didn't like disappointing him in this way. But she knew that she owed this to her sister. Cece was always looking out for her, and now it was her turn to reciprocate, she thought as she put the birth control pills back in her purse after showing them to her husband.

"It's just…that…we need to think about Eli now too. I know it's already been so long since he's been on his own, but…I just don't think the timing is right. We're all he's got left. If…we have a baby, he'll feel…he won't feel good, he'll feel like he's on the outside," Linda tearfully explained, and upon seeing his wife in such a state, Matt immediately wrapped her up in a hug.

"Okay. Okay, sweetheart. Don't worry. Eli comes first," he sighed, and Eli's aunt felt her heart ache at how quickly her husband had agreed. He always did everything to make her happy.

She heard Matt continue, "But…I don't think he would mind. I think he would be happy for us. He knows how much we want this. He doesn't even live with us, he lives all the way in Toronto. I just…we'll wait. Of course we will. I just…thought you should know that…that's what I think," he hesitated.

"I…just a few months, okay? I know it's already been so long, but just for a little longer, please. Eli's special, okay? Cece always said that even minutes after he was born, amid all the squalling newborns in the nursery, he was the only one not crying, but looking around with adult, worldly and worried eyes, looking as though he'd done all this before so many times and wasn't sure how excited he felt about having to do it again. He's…_just a boy_, Matt. A boy who is all alone – what is he supposed to do all on his own in this world? He has his whole life ahead of him, and he's going to do so many good things with his life – watch, I know he will. You have to understand that…this is a child for whom life has never been simple," she tearfully continued as her husband held her a bit tighter and ran his fingers through her smooth blonde hair, his heart aching at seeing her green eyes flooded with tears.

"I know, sweetheart, I know – he lost his parents, of course his life hasn't been easy," he softly replied.

His wife, however, shook her head even more stubbornly before she said,

"Even _before___that, Matt. Even before that. He went through things even before that that no child should have to go through. This is a child who hears and sees and feels everything intensely, a child who can be overcome by emotion so fast sometimes that it unnerves us all. I love him, you know. I love him and want him to have help. I wish I could teach him about life; I wish I could reassure him with every line of this prayer about how the world is hard and unfair sometimes, but that it's all okay because he is so loved. He has me, and he has you, and he has his friends Adam and Fiona – he is surrounded by souls who would do anything to help him. And not only that – he has wisdom and strength of his own, buried deep inside his being, which will only reveal themselves over time and will always carry him through any trial. We need to be there for him – I know you and I have jobs here and we can't move to Toronto and that Eli is at U of T so he can't live with us – which is important that he never feels out of the loop. It's our job to help him…we have to," Linda sobbed before she hid her face in her husband's neck as he softly cooed her.

"We will, sweetheart, we will. Of course. Eli's our baby too," Matt gently repeated to his wife over and over again as he knew it was what she needed to hear in that moment.

XXXXXXXXX

"Coming to dinner, Clare?" Alli asked as she grabbed her room key, being in a rush to get to the dining hall. It had been a long day and she was rather hungry.

"Can't. Meeting, remember?" Clare said as she shuffled some papers on her desk around. She was getting a little frustrated with one of her English 110 assignments; it was a short paper – only 1500 words, but it was a comparison piece on two poems, and Clare was having a hard time striking a balance between the important elements that needed to be covered.

"What's it about again? That English department thing?" Alli asked as she raised her eyebrow in confusion. Alli was in the Faculty of Arts and Science just as Clare was, but they shared no common classes as Alli was focusing on the prerequisites that would be needed for a neuroscience major.

"Yeah, that's the one," Clare sighed, a little deflated to see that despite her explaining everything about the meeting and why she wanted to go to it, Alli obviously hadn't been paying any attention.

"Well, I'll make sure to save you a brownie – you know how fast they fly. See you later!" Alli cheerfully said before she walked out of the girls' dorm. Clare mentally thanked God for the fact that two bedroom dorms at U of T included separate rooms and significantly large common room, as 24/7 with Alli on the weekends sometimes got to be too much.

She wished Alli would have remembered that the meeting that she was headed to was an important one for her and that she was rather nervous – her marks in university hadn't been her best; she had even received a 78 in English. A 78! She knew she would have to rectify that soon, especially if she wanted to get into the special program that this meeting was held for.

Clare slipped on a pair of black flats and grabbed a dark navy jacket and a fluffy green wrap-around shawl before leaving her apartment a half an hour later than Alli. Her mind was still on her poetry essay as she walked along the historic buildings on the U of T campus, the autumn leaves crackling beneath her feet.

The English Department was having this special meeting in order to announce a special program that first and second year students could apply to – it was a pilot program, just like the Canadian Studies requirement was; the University had undergone an all-level wide re-evaluation and reconstruction process, and for the first time in its history, U of T had decided to offer a joint B.A/M.A. program – and the English discipline had joined the categories of majors that would be eligible.

To Clare, this was wonderful news. She knew she wanted to complete an English major; that had become clear to her at the end of her grade ten year; but she had no idea what she might want to do after. A career in law or teaching or social work…it all seemed appealing to Clare, and she knew that a Masters would not only make her a better writer, but it would make her more appealing to future employers. Therefore, she knew that she was going to go to this information session and do whatever she needed to do in order to get into the program – and she felt her palms get sweatier when she realized it would _definitely _mean she would need to start getting marks that were higher than 78%. She knew that second years could apply to the program as well, and that would only mean there would be more competition. Although the second years would be applying to enter in their third year and would be a different cohort than her own, Clare was afraid that because they had had an extra year, not only did would they have more courses to balance out their GPAs, but…they might also be published.

Clare wondered if the one person among them who she knew for sure was published would be applying. And as she walked into the Buchanan building lecture hall that she normally had a sociology class in, she knew that he answer was…yes.

He was here. He was sitting in the middle of the lecture hall, a pretty girl in a red dress at his side, but they weren't talking, so Clare assumed that they didn't actually know each other. He was wearing a military-style dress shirt with many pockets, black jeans, and combat boots. His eyes were focused on a piece of paper that was lying on his clipboard, and as Clare took a seat just a few rows behind him, she squinted to see what he was looking at so closely. She saw…he was actually studying a VISA bill that had his name at the top. She watched his black pen write down a set of numbers, but when a professor's voice reverberated through the classroom she looked up at once, realizing that Eli didn't even know she was here. He hadn't looked up at all – he was completely engrossed in the VISA totals. Clare wondered if Eli was having any sort of financial trouble, but her lack of knowledge led her to conclude that Bullfrog and Cece surely made enough money to help Eli have all the things that he needed. Clare had no idea that Eli hadn't had his parents with him since his last few days of his grade twelve year.

"Welcome, ladies and gentlemen. If you are here, we assume this is because you wish to learn about the new joint B.A./M.A. program that will be offered at the University of Toronto starting next year – if you're actually looking for basket weaving or chem lab or something of the sort – you are in the wrong room and we will wait for you to quietly make your way out," the older gentleman said, and all throughout the lecture hall, students chuckled, but no one left. Clare estimated that there were about 200 students in the lecture hall, and she wondered how many spaces the program would have.

"Very well, then," the professor continued with a smile. "My name is Dr. Richards, and I am the Head of the English Department here at U of T," he informed everyone, and Clare focused more intently on him after hearing his position.

"I'm personally very pleased that U of T has been chosen as one of five Canadian universities to offer this program – I completed my own Masters and PhD at Oxford University in England – and actually, in England, the B.A. and M.A. are always a joint program," he shared with everyone, and that piece of information caught Clare by surprise.

"So I'm very happy that U of T will now provide that opportunity as well, you see. Now, it will be our first year offering this pilot program, so we will have to ask all of you to please be patient with us as we work out all the kinks and smooth out any problems. Let's discuss how this particular program came to be," Dr. Richards continued, and then he proceeded to explain the background of the program, launching into a discussion about the Government of Canada's grants and education goals for the year that Clare found much too boring.

"And now – let's get to the good stuff – why any of this should matter to you," Dr. Richards said with a smile, and the lecture hall burst out in laughter again as Clare thought that she definitely wasn't the only relieved that the background information portion was over. Dr. Richards then proceeded to explain the benefits of an M.A., listing information that Clare had either assumed or previously read before.

"As for the application process –" Dr. Richards continued, and Clare felt her hands get just a bit sweaty again. "There are fifty spots – twenty five will be for second year students - going by next year's year assignments, and the other twenty five will be for students who will entering their third year next September; we will therefore create two cohorts. You will share some seminars and classes with students from either year, but each year will have to complete a 300-level exit seminar, as well as a 400-level seminar – in that respective year, please. If you are planning on completing another major or minor as well, please take that into account. Joining the program will make your course schedule a lot tighter than a regular English major – it might take you an extra semester or two to finish that additional major, but don't worry, no one at U of T will get mad if you stick around," Dr. Richards said with a chuckle.

"Because we have never run this program before, it is hard to provide an estimate of a cut-off admissions average – presently, my estimations are around 86% - this would be for an average in all of our courses. The higher your marks in your English courses, the better, obviously," Dr. Richard said, and Clare felt the room was getting smaller by the minute. She would basically have to get perfect on all of her remaining assignments if she was going to make that average!

"When you apply, you will be asked to send an unofficial transcript, a personal statement, and there will be an application form to fill out as well, with some room for you to tell us about your interests outside the classroom – any writing that you have done and so on," Dr. Richards continued, and Clare knew he meant…any _published _writing.

Well…she _did_ have one story, didn't she? She _did _have an author credit after all, and…it _was_ a good story. It fit its genre perfectly, she reflected.

"As all of you know by now, the M.A. portion will include you getting to act as a teaching assistant in an undergraduate English course – however, be well advised that not all of you will get positions at U of T and may therefore have start the first official year of the program at another Canadian institution also offering this program – the teaching portion starts right off the bat, I'm afraid," Dr. Richards pointed out, and Clare frowned.

That was _definitely _something she didn't want to do. All of the other Canadian universities in the province of Ontario were weaker than U of T and she considered this to be a bit of a cheap trick – she had worked so hard to get into U of T, and leaving for another university next September…Clare just couldn't help but think that it would…be such a step down. The only university that it was ever okay to leave U of T for in all of Canada was UBC, a research-intensive university…but it was all the way out on the west coast, quite literally a few steps away from the Pacific Ocean. Clare didn't have the least bit of desire to live in Vancouver and leave the newfound peace and family stability she had been able to establish with her mom, Glen and Jake. She knew that if admitted, she would have to work extremely hard to make sure she got to stay at U of T.

"As it was written in your information e-mail, the other five Canadian universities that U of T is partnering with for the project are Queens, McGill, the University of Guelph, the University of Alberta, and the University of British Columbia. Be warned that you will need to be prepared to leave to meet teaching assignments at _any _of these institutions in your final year. If that is something that you are not prepared to do, this is not the program for you," Dr. Richard sternly continued, making Clare get increasingly nervous.

"If you have any questions, we have saved the last twenty minutes of our session to answer them. Some of you will recognize several of my colleagues from the classroom – all of the professors here today will be members of the admissions committee and of the larger B.A./ M.A. family," Dr. Richards said and he then proceeded to introduce all of the professors, and Clare recognized her English 110 lecturer among the group; she knew that that comparative poetry assignment that was sitting on her desk would _definitely _have to be a good one now – she needed to attract the attention of that professor for sure.

"Three of our English Department Teaching Assistants will also stay with us as we move through the program – this is Laura, David, and Lorenzo, everyone," the professor continued. "Laura is joining us from UBC out in Vancouver, David is a graduate of the University of Ottawa, and Lorenzo is one of our international students – he completed his undergraduate and masters' studies at the University of Florence and is doing his PhD with us now. Once you fill out all of your application paperwork, it would not be a bad idea to drop by any of their offices and have them take a glance at your application. Get to them early enough and they will give you recommendations on how to make it better," Dr. Richards explained before he opened up the floor to questions while the TAs handed out application forms and Frequently Asked Questions sheets.

When the Italian TA got to Clare, she gave him a quick smile and thanked him, but her attention was on…Eli's raised hand. When he was called upon, Clare heard him quietly ask,

"How will tuition work for this program? How much is the Master's program addition…is that how it works, just combining the two costs?" and Clare saw many other people nod in support for Eli's question.

"Good question, young man. Unfortunately, a pilot project always means an increase in prices – so in addition to your typical B.A. tuition, the tuition for the Master's portion will be around $20 000. If you have any questions about Financial Aid or Bursaries, you can go ask the Financial Services staff in the General Services and Administration Building," Dr. Richards answered with a small smile, and Clare saw Eli give him a tiny smirk in response, but she thought she almost caught a look of…worry on Eli's face.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXX **– Four months later -**

"I…couldn't believe it," Eli's aunt sighed into her husband's embrace.

"This is…wonderful news, sweetheart. Aren't you glad?" he gently asked her, knowing exactly why she was still worried a bit.

"I am, I am ecstatic – we have wanted this for so long. It's just that –"she softly replied.

"Eli's doing so well, sweetheart. You heard the great marks that he got. He's doing well on his own in Toronto. Watch, love, he's going to be so happy for us! After all, he's going to get a little cousin. Eli would be a good older, protective cousin type – especially if we have a girl," Matt chuckled as he ran his fingers through his wife's smooth blond hair and heard her let out a few giggles.

"I know, I know. I just…I don't want him to feel like this will change everything. Like…he can't call us anymore, ask us for things," Linda stumbled.

"He never asks us for anything as it is," Matt pointed out, being deeply impressed by the young man's independence and strength of spirit. Matt might have been over fifteen years older than Eli, but he…admired Eli for how he had handled himself through everything.

Matt then gently asked, "I wasn't even aware that this could even happen, we're so blessed," having been under the impression that his wife was on birth control.

"Ugh – remember how I had strep throat last week?" Linda asked with a grimace, the memory of how badly that illness had impaired her not being an extremely pleasant one for her.

"Of course, love," Matt replied.

"Antibiotics knock out the pill. That's what happened," she explained as her husband nodded, finally understanding.

"It's…amazing, sweetheart. We're finally going to get to do this…to have our baby," Matt softly said, bending down slightly to place a kiss over the thin jersey dress material covering his wife's still perfectly flat stomach.

"Come on, let's call Eli and tell him – I bet you he'll be so happy for us," Matt encouraged Linda, and it didn't take much convincing for her to agree, because she knew her nephew well and she was well aware that he was a very kind boy who probably suspected just how much his aunt had wanted this.

And five minutes later, as Eli declared at once,

"Wow, Aunt Linda – that's absolutely amazing. Congratulations. I can't think of anyone who would deserve to have a baby more," and Eli's aunt heard his voice falter for just a second before he said, "You're gonna make a great mom, I just know it," and Eli's aunt's eyes were invaded with tears.

She didn't even know that Eli often stood frozen as he talked to her on the phone…because as the girls' mom used to tell them all the time when she was alive, Cece and Linda…one could barely tell them apart when on the phone. But even if Linda didn't realize this, she knew exactly what Eli meant – his voice was so assertive and so full of confidence as he had said she would be a great mom…and that one sentence calmed all of her fears down immediately.

She knew Eli was happy for her.

**XXXXXXXXXXX – Two months later-**

Clare nervously sat in the TA's office, waiting for him to provide any sort of feedback on her application to the B.A./M.A. program. While her grades had improved over the second semester, she was afraid that everyone else applying to the program would present with applications that were even stronger.

"Very good, Miss. It's a strong application overall," Lorenzo declared after reviewing it, and Clare blushed at once and let out a deep breath.

"Thank you Mr. Ganicci," she politely replied.

"Oh, please, call me Lorenzo," the dark-haired, brown-eyed young Italian man corrected her, causing her blush to get even deeper as he locked her gaze with hers and flashed her a charming smile.

"The one recommendation I would make, however –" he started, and Clare eagerly nodded.

"Please, it's why I'm here," she encouraged him, and she wondered why he smirked so facetiously when she said that…almost as if…he didn't believe her?

"Include a past essay or significant work with your assignment - if you have ever had anything that has appeared in a creative writing magazine or something of the sort. There are many students applying and only so many spots – you want something that will make you stand out from the crowd, you see," Lorenzo continued, his smirk only getting bigger as he returned Clare's application to her own hands. Clare noticed that he had a gold ring on his little finger and it had some type of symbol on it.

The advice he was giving her, however, made her a bit nervous. Did this mean her application wasn't strong enough on its own?

"What about…something like…a story in the magazine _Gothic Tales_?" she shyly asked.

"That, my dear, would be what in my home we would call…_fantastico_. Do you have such a thing?" Lorenzo asked.

"I…do. But I co-authored it with someone else," Clare confidently said, pushing slight remorse at the use of 'co-authored' out of her way. She didn't want to leave U of T…she wanted to enter the program and get to stay here her first year, and she knew that the competition would be ruthless. _Screw it_, she thought. _I worked on that story, I shouldn't be hesitant of including it. _

"Co-author is fine, darling, just as long as your name is at the top, that's all that matters. Include it – definitely include it. You know I'm gonna fight for you, but there's only so much I'm going to be able to do," Lorenzo declared with a chuckle, catching Clare by surprise and causing her entire face to turn a deep red.

"All right then – looks like you have to work to do. Make sure you include your story. Any other questions?" Lorenzo then asked Clare.

"No, just…thank you so much for your help. I really appreciate it," Clare politely responded.

"No problem. _Ciao bella_," Lorenzo then said, and Clare made her way out of his office blushing profusely and closing the door behind her, leaving a smugly grinning, perhaps-too-forward-for-being-out-of-Italy TA behind.

**XXXXXXXXXXXX – One week later -**

Eli quickly walked to the English Department Office so he could hand in the application that he had finished late last night. He hadn't been sure if he wanted to apply, wondering where on earth he could pull twenty thousand dollars from overnight if he did get accepted. Another major drawback for this whole B.A./M.A. program was the fact that apparently, you'd be expected to drop everything at the drop of a hat and be sent to either Kingston, Guelph, Montreal, Calgary or Vancouver – this coming September, too. But in the end, he had decided that the overall cost of the joint program would still be cheaper than doing the two degrees separately, so he had decided to just apply. After all, he had no clue if he was going to get in or not, he reflected.

Eli knew he had a tough day ahead of him. He never had gotten his application checked by one of those TAs like Dr. Richards had recommended, but he figured he was all right in that category; the personal statement was only five hundred words and Eli figured that he was capable of stringing those sentences together in a nice way on his own. Mrs. Dawes' words kept ringing in his head as he filled out the application, and he was pretty confident that she'd be happy with the clarity of his sentences and thoughts; she wouldn't find it too wordy. He had listed the three stories that he had gotten published over the past two years and in the end, all he could was hope that he had enough. Besides, today was a busy day and he needed the rest of it to go well, so he quickly rushed to the seventh floor of the office tower and handed in his application to the English Department Secretary, who took it from him with a smile and asked him to sign for it.

He then rushed to an appointment which he dreaded, but which he knew was all too necessary.

It was just…simply time.

**XXXXXXXXXXXXX – One week later –**

"Mom – I got in! I got in!" Clare happily said to Helen as she was visiting home for the weekend.

"I got into the B.A/M.A. program!" she joyously exclaimed one more time as Helen wrapped her daughter up into a quick hug.

"Oh, congratulations sweetie! That's such wonderful news!" and Glen and Jake soon echoed the same sentiment.

"I'm really relieved," Clare confessed. "I had no idea if I was actually going to get in or not," she giggled.

"That's so silly Clare," Helen immediately replied as she shook her head playfully, "Everyone knows how smart my girl is. And you were published at fifteen! Fifteen, Clare! I'm sure that when they saw that, it wasn't even a question of whether or not to accept you – it was a question of 'get that girl her acceptance offer, quick! Before someone else snaps her up!'" Helen continued.

"Well, don't get too happy mom – I still didn't get my first year teaching assignment, remember about that rule? TAing a first year course? Who knows where I'll have to do it – you know my average for first year wasn't my best," Clare softly said, and her mom instantly picked up on her nervousness.

"Don't worry so much Clare – of course you'll get U of T. Everyone's GPA is a little low in their first year – it's an adjustment period and no one knows this better than those professors who sit on the admissions committee. I really can't imagine anyone more accomplished than you being among the pool of applicants. Do you know how many teaching spots are offered at each school?" Helen asked.

"Five. The list will go up in the English Department office at the end of April," Clare replied as she saw Jake shrug his shoulders.

"Oh, Clare, I'm sure you'll get to stay. I can't imagine anyone else more accomplished than you," Helen encouragingly said.

"Umm…yeah…I hope I get it," Clare absent mindedly said as Helen asked Glen and Jake to put their coats on so they could go celebrate at Little Miss Steaks. Jake noticed that Clare seemed to be a little bit lost in her own flurry of thoughts with her last remark, but he shrugged it off as Clare just entering one of her moods, and he didn't want to say anything to set her off, so he just kept quiet. 

**XXXXXXXXXXXX – One month later –**

"Eli Goldsworthy, I am _extremely_ furious with you," Eli heard his aunt say into the phone…but he had already anticipated that.

"Aunt Linda, I didn't actually go through with anything yet; I would never do such a thing without talking to you first," Eli calmly replied.

"Don't you sweet talk me, Eli, I am so upset," she gently, but assertively said as she studied her reflection in the mirror. Still nothing; it had only been two months, but she could tell by other patterns in her body that…she really was going to be a mom soon, and her heart skipped a beat with joy whenever that thought crossed her mind, just as it did the many times that her husband would wrap her up in a hug from behind and slowly move to place a kiss on her stomach.

"Aunt Linda, I _want to_ do this," Eli replied, just as assertively.

"Eli Goldsworthy, your mother and father bought that house so _you_ could grow up in it. Right when they found out they were going to have you, the first thing they did was find that house," Linda shared with Eli, tears stinging her eyes as she…couldn't believe how things had turned out.

Linda then heard Eli sigh into the phone and it was another few seconds before he said, "But…that's just it, Aunt Linda. I _did. I did _grow up in that house, and it was perfect. But now…it's just so empty. So…lonely," Eli breathed heavily, admitting his innermost feelings to his aunt.

"Oh, Eli," she sighed tearfully. "I just want to make sure that you're doing for the right reasons," she continued.

"I am," Eli replied at once.

"Well…all right, then, baby boy. All right. Are they a nice family? The people who came to see it today?" Linda gently inquired.

"The third people to come, yeah. They were really nice. They have a five year old daughter and a nine year old son. It…it should be them, Aunt Linda. It's…a great house to grow up in, and none of the other people have children. I promised them that if I sell it, it would be theirs," Eli shared with his aunt.

"Good thinking, Eli. Good thinking. Well, the house is in your name. You don't need anything from me or from Matt. But…you're _sure_ this is what you want to do, baby boy?" Linda asked one final time.

"Positive," Eli replied at once.

"Well, all right then, baby boy. I'm here, if you need me," she repeated to Eli one final time before they said their good-byes.

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXX – One week later -**

"Eli Goldsworthy – absolutely not. Don't you dare offend me like that. We had an agreement," Eli heard his aunt reply categorically as he stared right into her green eyes, holding out a cheque to her. She had come down for a visit before she knew Eli would be heading into final exams.

"Aunt Linda – after I bought the apartment, I had a lot of money left over – you know Toronto real estate does quite well," Eli began.

"And I also know you barely even let Matt convince you to buy that nicer apartment and not some basement suite – Eli, you were ready to live on the other side of town, away from the university for God's sake," Eli's aunt pointed out.

"I just didn't see the need in spending so –"Eli started, but he was quickly cut off.

"Matt already explained this to you, Eli. He's an investment banker, he knows what he's talking about. Buying a nice, third floor apartment in downtown Toronto two blocks away from the university grounds is a good long-term investment; that property will do nothing but always go up in value. Some dingy basement suite in Chinatown is no guarantee. If you're going to put your money into something, might as well make it something worthwhile," Eli's aunt patiently explained.

"I know that now, Aunt Linda, and I'm really grateful for Matt for explaining it all to me and making sure that I didn't make any mistakes. But…now I'm all set up. It's such a nice apartment, and…I don't need the extra money. This is money that you gave me, don't you remember? To pay off the mortgage and to help me with my first year," Eli insisted.

"Don't be ridiculous, Eli. That is _your_ money. Keep it. That fancy B.A/M.A. program that you got into for September can't be cheap. I'm so proud of you, baby boy, for that, by the way. You know who would have loved you being in that program? Your mom, Eli. Your dad too," Linda tearfully exhaled as Eli silently nodded and tried to hide his teary eyes.

"Keep the money, Eli, please," Linda whispered.

"Aunt Linda…the left-over money from the house. I…can't ever spend it. It's just…I just…I can't touch it. It's in its own account," Eli softly said, and his aunt understood at once why Eli didn't want to do anything with the money. She didn't either. She didn't feel like it was hers. She felt like it shouldn't be touched either.

"All right, Eli, just keep it in that account. It's a good idea," she approved with a smile.

"But I do want to take $10 000 from it; the $10 000 that you gave me…I want you to have it back now," Eli pleaded, holding the cheque out to his aunt once again.

"No, Eli, no – that's your money that I gave to you, Eli, it became yours," Linda repeated.

"_Exactly. _It's _my _money," Eli emphatically said, locking his gaze with that of his aunt. "And I want to give it to my cousin," Eli continued with perfect confidence as his aunt's heart melted at the boy's kindness.

"For him. Or her. I'm thinking it's going to be a her – but we'll see about that later. Aunt Linda, this money – I want to give it to my cousin. Please," Eli said, and the amount of raw emotion that was dripping from his voice and emerging from his gaze caught his aunt aback.

There was only one thing she could say in reply in that moment.

"All right, baby boy. All right then," and she gently took the cheque from Eli's hands, hearing him exhale and flash her a happy smirk at once. She liked seeing him like that…so relaxed. He didn't seem like he was carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders anymore.

**XXXXXXXXXXXX – Three weeks later – **

On a sunny Friday night, Clare and Alli had just finished having dinner at the Bhandaris – Alli's parents had insisted that Clare come over to dinner as they had not yet all celebrated the girls' successfully making it through their first year of university. The dinner had been a very fun one, and many university stories were exchanged – Clare got to know so much about the Bhandaris own university days in Mumbai, and she also got to hear many hilarious stories about Sav's adventures at McGill.

After dinner, Alli's parents had retreated upstairs, while Clare and Alli had remained downstairs so they could watch a movie and paint each other's nails. Sav had politely asked the girls if it would be all right if he stayed downstairs as well, as the amp for his guitar needed to stay connected to the plug as he needed to record a melody on his computer, and the girls had instantly agreed. Clare was fond of Alli's older brother, and Sav never bothered the girls whenever they hung out at Alli's house.

As Alli was putting the finishing touches of sparkly purple on Clare's nails, she teased,

"So, when do you get to hear about your teaching assignment and see Mr. Hottie TA again, Clare?"

Clare's cheeks flushed bright red when she noticed Sav widening his eyes at his sister's question and she quickly answered,

"Alli! Come on, Lorenzo is like a professor to me, there's nothing going on there. And besides, he's a TA and I'm a student – that would be ridiculous," Clare protested.

"Whatever, _bella,_" Alli teased, and Clare deeply regretted that they she had ever run into Lorenzo in Alli's presence when they were both waiting in line for coffee and he had happened to walk by.

"Well, for your information – I get to hear two weeks from now," Clare answered.

"But I don't want to think about that. Tonight is about fun; I just want to relax," Clare pointed out with many giggles. She then pulled out the newest edition of the U of T _Blues Words _Creative Writing magazine as Alli began flipping through a _Vogue_. Clare was deeply determined to get something of her own published, so over the summer, she had subscribed to the magazine as a means of seeing what was out there.

However, her heart dropped when she flipped to the third page and she saw…

"_Dancing Away with His Heart" by Eli Goldsworthy_

Clare pursed her lips when she realized that…Eli was getting published. She wondered how many things he had published since the "Stalker/Angel" fiasco, and jealousy overtook her at once.

But then…she began reading and warmth that had not been there in a long time overtook her striking blue eyes. Her eerie silence as she read the words that Eli had written late one night made Alli wonder what was going on that was making her be so quiet, but Clare didn't notice the frown that crossed Alli's face when she realized…exactly _whose_ work Clare was reading. Alli however, chose to stay quiet…and read as well.

The story was…beautiful. Emotional and raw, and it made its characters jump off the page. Clare knew that several of the phrases would stick with her…for a long time, and even as she finished reading, they floated through her consciousness as the enchantment of Eli's words had spellbound her.

_Tell me – have you ever wanted someone so much it hurts?_

_ Your lips keep trying to speak, but you just can't find the words…well, that's how he felt when he first saw her for the first time…and many, many times after. You see, he had this dream once – he had it in his head and he carried it in his heart, laying it in his palm soon after…for her to see. _

_ She was…the purest beauty – but not the coming kind. She had a way about her that…made you feel alive, and for a moment, it made the world stand absolutely still. _

_ She said yes. He knew from her style that she'd probably like a concert; but he never expected her to smile brightly and say yes at once – just like that, on that last day of school before the break. He thought his heart would stop beating when he got to take her to the arena; the lights dimmed and she danced just like a child. He was so nervous that he soon after spilled his Coke on her shimmery frayed black dress – he thought it was over then. Girls hated that, didn't they? _

_ But all she did was smile. _

_ It was perfect, and he held it in his mind. When he was with her, he felt like he could do anything. When he was with her, the two of them owned the night. _

_ Then she had to go for the rest of the summer. When the sun rolled around and later began sinking down, he wondered if she still remembered him. He didn't know in that moment if they would ever speak again. It was perfect and he never would forget it, but he wanted more. _

_ He wanted a lifelong friendship. A lifelong love. Lifelong support. He didn't want to stand in front of her or behind her._

_ He wanted to stand beside her. For as long as he would live. _

_ Oh, but she remembered him, all right. She wanted more. A lifelong friendship. A lifelong love. Lifelong support. She wanted to stand beside him. For as long as she would live. _

_ She got to do that. Some people say they didn't get enough time. _

_ They definitely didn't. _

_ But those twenty-four years were filled with more love than most people know in a lifetime. _

Clare quickly blinked and moved her bangs out of her face as she mentally shook Eli's words out of her head. She wanted to flip the page and forget what she had just read.

Her best friend, however, clearly had other plans.

"Dear God, Clare. _Anything _and _anyone_ but _that_ and _him_," Alli said with a roll of her eyes.

"It's just a story," Clare stubbornly answered. "And…it's beautiful, Alli," she pointed out.

"I'll tell you what it is – it's messed up!" Alli said, raising her voice, the shrilling decibel level as she shrieked soon causing Sav to pull the headphones out of his hear.

Alli continued, "Ugh, we already know that a story is never _just _a story with Eli! It's a crazy psycho play with Clara as the lead," Alli shot and Clare flinched.

"Maybe this story isn't about me. We never went to a concert; he wanted to take me to one, bought tickets in February for a November show that we obviously never made it to. Gave the tickets to Adam and your brother," Clare softly said, and Sav listened a little harder, remembering just how freaking epic the AC/DC reunion had been. Sav knew why Eli didn't just get a third ticket and come as well now…he had planned on going with Clare originally.

"Ugh, concert, no concert – who cares! Maybe Eli's learned a little in the past two years – don't make your protagonist Clara, he didn't even give them names in this one, not that that makes it any less creepy! It's really screwed up, how…after all this time, and he's _still_ so hung up on you," Alli kept going on and on.

"It's such a touching story, Alli – the language is beautiful, it's so simple yet so-" Clare started, only to be abruptly cut off by Clare again.

"Please, Clare, choose _any_ writer to swoon over – _anyone_ but your crazy, obsessive, manipulative psycho ex who _crashed his hearse into a wall for you! _Be honest with me, Clare, how can you _not_ find it creepy that he's still so hung up on you?" Alli asked.

"I'm not so sure this one is about me. He could've met someone –" Clare tried.

"Oh, don't be blind, Clare. 'Purest beauty?' All of this best friend crap – I know what he used to say, trying to dethrone me from my position. But now it's obviously reached a whole new level – creepy _and_ delusional –" Alli went on as Clare felt goose bumps over take her entire body.

"What d-do you mean?" she stuttered out.

"The end of the story, obviously. It's a _psychotic fantasy_, Clare – he freaking imagines you two being together for twenty-four years. Gross, Clare. Seriously, if I were you, I'd seriously be thinking about getting a restraining order against him. Yesterday and today it might be just stories, but God knows what he'll think of – and do – next," Alli said as she nonchalantly began filing her now dry nails.

"Come on, Alli. He just…wrote a happy ending. It's like I told you after _Love Roulette, _Eli will never be done rewriting that story," Clare said as she began filing her own nails.

"Because he's messed up! Seriously – _restraining order_," Alli said in a sing-song voice.

Clare shakily asked, "You-you don't think h-he'd-actually-d-do-ss-something-" but she was immediately interrupted by an angry scoff and she heard the sharp noise of a guitar being abruptly placed in its stand. She then saw Sav turn around and face her, his hands tense with…frustration it seemed.

Clare and Alli both heard his voice become laced with a tone of impatience as he said,

"Okay, yeah, I'm sorry but I just can't sit here and listen to this…_crap _anymore," and he placed both of his hands on his face for a minute before he continued, "You know, Alli – you have no idea what you're talking about! Has Eli ever bothered you since the end of grade eleven, Clare?" Sav asked, and Clare's entire face turned a deep red colour and she barely managed to choke out,

"No".

Sav then passionately continued, "Yeah, point that maybe should be taken. No offense girls – but you need to get over yourselves. Eli wrote that story about his parents – I was there the night he wrote it".

"Oopsie. I forgot about his parents," Alli said with an awkward apologetic smile.

"What about his parents?" Clare asked in confusion.

"You don't know?" Sav asked, even more confused. When Clare shook her head in response, Sav softly said, "They died. Within four days of each other, the last few days of Eli's grade twelve year," and upon hearing those words, Clare's entire face turned pale.

_That's what had happened? That's why Eli looked the way he did that time? And I…didn't even ask him what was wrong. I can't even imagine a thing like that happening…and to Eli…he…that left him…all alone. That's why…that's why…that's what happened?_

"And you _knew_?" Clare shot bitterly at Alli.

Sav then stepped in, "Well, see I heard about it on the radio – Montreal may be a music forward city, but its rock station is awful, so I kept tuning into Bullfrog's show online, and…it was announced one morning. I could barely believe it, and imagine my surprise when the replacement host said that Bullfrog's wife had just passed four days before, and that they left behind a son who was just days away from graduating high school," Sav softly finished.

Alli then piped up, "I only knew because Sav came down from Montreal in order to go to the funeral," she said, and Clare shot Sav a look at once.

"You were there? What…how was Eli?" she asked in fear.

"Well, how can you expect anyone to be like in that kind of a situation? He was…shell-shocked. I don't think that he looked anyone in the eye but his aunt for the entire service. He just kept tightly holding onto her arm. God, and she looked just like his mom – same blonder hair and green eyes, and sounded] just like her too…it was the most eerie thing I had ever seen. Anyway, Adam and I stayed over with Eli that night – didn't want him all alone in that big empty house, and…that's when he wrote that," Sav finished.

"I'm sorry, Clare, but honestly, we never talked about Eli anymore at that point, so it just didn't cross my mind to tell you," Alli said, and the honestly etched across her face made Clare immediately declare,

"It's okay, Alli. Don't worry about it. I just wish…I could have been there for him. Do you realize that…he's all alone now?" Clare whispered in horror.

"No. No, Clare. That's what he _wants _you to think! That's _exactly_ what he wants you to think!" Alli retorted at once.

However, this reaction on the part of her best friend made something ignite in Clare.

"What now Alli?" Clare shot at once. "Are you going to tell me that Eli killed his parents and hid it from me for two years just because he wants me to think like this now?" she yelled, and Clare's venom took Alli aback at once.

"No…I'm just saying that…be careful. He's…_Eli_, Clare," Alli replied, because she just couldn't think of any other way of putting it.

"I have to go," Clare quickly said, and she put her shoes on at once and headed out of the Bhandari home without any explanation or good-bye.

She ran all the way to a house that she hadn't been inside of for two and half years. She loudly knocked on the door.

_I can't believe no one told me. Not even Adam? Eli was left completely alone and…no one told me! _Her mind raced and Clare braced herself when she heard footsteps approaching.

She took a step forward with outstretched arms as soon as the door flung open, catching the brown-haired woman on the other side by complete surprise.

"Oh my God, I'm so sorry," she quickly apologized.

Clare then looked around and she realized that…there was a mini-van in the front of the house, not…an MGB. And all over the floor, there were many…children's toys.

"Can I help you?" the woman asked, and her green eyes took Clare a little aback.

"I'm sorry, I just…I was looking for someone who used to live here," she explained, wanting to burst into sobs at the thought that…Eli had moved, all on his own, and she…didn't even know.

"The black-haired boy? Eli I think his name was?" the woman asked, and Clare sadly nodded.

"I'm Kelsey. Come in, dear, come in out of the rain," the kind woman said, gently taking Clare's arm and bringing her into the kitchen that she had been in so many times before. But…it was all wrong, Clare sadly reflected. Cece liked her kitchen a certain way – she didn't like anyone moving anything, and this was all wrong. The toaster was supposed to be on the other side of the counter, and…the fridge was supposed to have concert announcements and that photo of Cece and her sister drinking "one too many margaritas" in their college days as Cece told Clare with many giggles as she was making her hot chocolate late one night.

Kelsey made Clare a cup of tea without asking, and Clare could hear tiny giggles coming from upstairs, making her heart break even more. There were…children up there; you could hear their pounding little footsteps as they probably ran around that little back bedroom…the one that had been Eli's.

Kelsey watched as Clare silently sipped her tea and she gently started,

"Such a nice boy. What a tragedy. Had to sell his parents' house. I think…it made him sad to be here all alone. He told me it was a great house to grow up in; there were many potential buyers, but he said he wanted me and my husband to have it because we have a little boy and a little girl, you see. I thank my lucky stars every day that we get to live here – so many good schools nearby. And…I didn't exactly have…enough, you see. And I knew all of the other buyers would easily outbid me, but…Eli said he wanted me to have it. He chose us, and he let me pay…less than what he deserved. Said he just needed enough for an apartment close to U of T. Such a smart boy, I could just tell," she finished with a slight shake of her head because although she was really happy to be able to provide such a nice home for her children, the circumstances of how she had gotten to have it still made her quite sad.

"You could go up to his old room if you want to, you know. It'll look different now, of course. But just…if you want to look around, feel free to, sweetheart," Kelsey encouraged her, and before she had even finished her sentence, Clare flew up the stairs. She could tell that the two kids were playing in the room that used to be Eli's parents', and she was happy that she could just be alone in his old room for a few minutes, uninterrupted.

Kelsey couldn't be more right. It was plain to see that the room was now the little boy's; he had a bed and a desk and so many toys all scattered around many soft bean bag chairs. The walls had been painted a light blue, and there was not a single band poster around.

_It's as if…Eli has just been erased,_ Clare thought tearfully. _It's like…he didn't just used to his homework and write just over there, have his stereo over there, his bookcase over there,_ Clare enumerated in her head.

She had originally thought that if she could touch this place and feel it…the brokenness inside of her might just start healing. But out here, it was as if she was someone else. She thought that maybe she could find herself…she only wanted to walk around. She swore to Kelsey that she would leave soon and that she wouldn't take anything but a memory from the house that had been her sanctuary many times too.

As she sunk into one of the navy blue bean bag chairs and scanned the floorboard…she couldn't believe that it was still there – it was as if she could perfectly remember that sunny afternoon in which she had been painting her nails pink in Eli's room while he was organizing his music collection and she had accidentally spilt the nail polish bottle. They had cleaned most of it up, but there had been just one little spot that had refused to come off the floorboard, just one tiny pink circle that Eli had told her not to worry about because apparently it was just as cute as her, as he had said before he leaned in and placed a gentle kiss on her lips.

Clare stared and stared at it…allowing her mind to betray for her for a minute and wondering…_what if_. _What if_ she had been a little more patient with him when he was in grade twelve. _What if_ she hadn't avoided him like the plague. _What if_ she hadn't been so blind with John, who dumped her faster than a rolling tear, a sparkle in his eyes at the thought of going to college and meeting college girls.

"I'm coming, mommy!" the little boy shouted as he burst through the door and Clare stood up at once, completely embarrassed.

"I'm sorry – your mom said it was okay for me to stay in here for a second – my friend used to have your room," she quickly explained, panicking…she really didn't want to scare the little boy. He had his mother's dark hair, and…her green eyes, Clare remarked as she couldn't help starting right into them.

"Weird," the nine year-old said at once, but with a slight shake of his head he continued, "You know Eli?" flashing her a wide grin.

Clare was surprised that he, as opposed to her, was asking the other that question.

"We went to school together," she stumbled.

"He played baseball with me – when mommy was talking to the real estate agent. It was so boring when she talked to the agent, they used to do it for hours and hours! One day he asked me if I wanted to play baseball, and I LOVE baseball!" the little boy energetically declared, grabbing an autographed Blue Jays ball and proudly holding it out for Clare to see.

"It was Eli's, but he said I could have it," the little boy continued.

"It's so cool," Clare encouraged the boy, a bit shocked to hear that…Eli had parted with something that must have been special to him so easily. She knew that had he been in his junior year, he wouldn't have exactly been able to do that.

"Eli's not dead, you know. His parents died, but he didn't. Why don't you go see him? Mommy has his new address, she sent him his mail when it still came here for a while," the little boy said with a raised eyebrow, causing chills to overtake Clare's entire body when he spoke of the possibility of Eli being dead so…easily.

Clare knew he had a point. Kelsey gave her the address freely, and wished her luck.

Clare saw that Eli lived just two blocks away from campus, and she began running there.

_I need to see him, I need to see him, I need to see him, I need to see him, I need to see him. To see if he's okay, _her frantic mind was telling her, despite the fact that she had seen Eli at U of T over the past year, and that the time for this concern of hers really was two years ago. But Clare had no idea two years ago; the distance she had placed between them didn't allow her to know anything.

She was almost at this apartment when she…saw him. He was walking from the other direction, and their eyes met, and Eli immediately flashed her a look of concern. Clare noticed that he was carrying several books from the U of T library, and wondered what he was doing with them…it was summer, after all, and they didn't look like novels – they looked like research books.

She had originally planned on wrapping him up in a hug when she meant to find him at her house, but now…running into him on the street, she no longer felt that impulse, so she just warmly gave him a soft,

"Hey," as she let out a tiny exhale, which, when combined with her flushed cheeks, made Eli want to kiss her sweetly at once.

He hated himself for not being to control that thought.

Clare could…almost physically see Eli put up the walls that would prevent him from being deeply hurt again, and she hated it. She saw that he blinked faster than he normally would, and that he inserted his hands in the pockets of his black jeans, a clear defensive gesture, even if unconscious.

"Hey," Eli softly replied, wondering why Clare was so close to the place he lived. He had never seen her in this neighbourhood before; it tended to be filled with other U of T students who also lived in the many apartment buildings that were around his own.

He then moved his gaze from her striking blue eyes and a frown crossed his face when he realized that…her curls were wet and clinging to their neck. They always were just a bit longer these days then they had been when they were dating, he remarked with a small sad smirk. Clare then watched as Eli quickly took off his leather jacket, switching the books that he was carrying from one hand to the other as he needed to.

"You don't have to…" she shyly said as Eli held it out to her. He wanted to place it around her shoulders himself, but he was afraid that Clare wouldn't like it if he did that.

"It's raining, and your clothes are already kind of wet," Eli rightly pointed out. "You know, I live right around here now. You can come in and get out of the rain," he gently suggested, afraid that Clare would immediately be uncomfortable with such a suggestion, but his sad smirk turned into a happy one as she immediately said,

"Okay," and followed Eli into the building that he led her to and towards his suite. As he inserted the key into the lock, Clare braced herself…she couldn't imagine what losing your parents and having to fend for yourself at the age of seventeen – that sort of thing wouldn't be easy for anyone, but…she knew it must have hit Eli that much harder, and that would probably translate itself to…a hoarding much more impulsive and powerful than the one that Julia's death had triggered.

But then…Eli opened the apartment door and…Clare silently gasped. Eli's apartment was…very well organized. It had maple hardwood floors, two leather couches and a glass coffee table, a nice flat screen TV, a light country-style kitchen, and…bookcase upon bookcase of novels, reference books, comic books, and magazines. Clare noticed that above the fireplace, on the mantle, Eli had two pictures; one of a large wedding party that Clare noticed he was a part of, wearing a nicely cut suit and standing with his parents, who were next to the bride and groom, and another…of a very young Bullfrog and Cece at a concert. They looked to be about college age, and Clare wondered if…that might have been the first date – that Eli had touched upon in the story that she had just read. She fought really hard to not tear up when she noticed that…Eli had placed a white lily next to the end of the photo that contained his mom's photo. She saw that the flower was fresh, and she wondered if Eli placed a new one there every day, or every few days.

Something told her that he did.

As Clare was engrossed his glancing at the photo and missing Cece very much herself – she could _almost _hear her voice saying 'baby girl' – she didn't notice Eli head into the bathroom and later his bedroom, so he could re-emerge with a clean, fresh towel and a blow dryer.

"Thanks," Clare softy told him, trying very hard not to cry, not only at the tragedy that had entered Eli's life, but at the fact that…she had almost forgotten how, in his good days, Eli had always been very perceptive to her needs, always knowing what would make her feel most comfortable.

"Plug's right there," he said, gesturing towards the wall. As Clare blow dried her curls and they became bouncier and fuller due to the heat and movement, Eli was trying to process what on earth was happening. Clare never talked to him, and now all of a sudden, here she was, blow drying her hair in his apartment as if she…lived here with him.

Eli hated himself for wishing that she did. He knew he shouldn't think those things anymore.

When she finished and she neatly placed the towel and blow dryer on Eli's coffee table, she saw him hold a beautiful bejewelled hair brush out to her…and Clare knew at once whose it had once been; she had seen the merry hearted woman brush her hair with it many times as she was getting ready for 'date-night' with her husband, as she called it. To Clare, that date night always meant that their absence could let her enjoy even a little more private time with Eli.

And now, Eli was handing the brush to her as if it was the most natural thing in the world – Clare correctly assumed that he had kept a few special things of his mom and dad's, and she could see why he had kept that hairbrush. Cece had loved it, and whenever Clare formed the image of her in her mind, her often changing hairstyles were a predominant facet of the vision. Clare also absolutely adored the brush, and she had told Cece so once.

Clare looked for any signs of hesitancy on Eli's part of handing over his mom's special brush, but she saw none, and she accepted it with a warm smile, knowing that…Eli didn't know she knew. She quickly looked at the brush, and she decided that it would be okay to use it, as it didn't have any of Cece's hair in it – it actually looked new, which sort of puzzled her.

Eli caught the look on her face and softly said,

"My mom…um, she…bought that for you, meant to give it to you on your birthday, but…well, you know. She had one –" Eli began, flinching when he realized that his use of the past tense had given him away.

"…just like it. I know. I remember," Clare softly said, before she tearfully sighed, "Oh, Eli," and she whispered, "I just found out…from Sav," and she slowly sat down on Eli's couch and she was even further saddened when she saw that Eli chose to sit…so far from her, but at least on the same couch.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Clare tearfully exhaled as she ran the brush through her curls, taking out the slight knots that would always form if she didn't comb her hair before brushing it.

"I…I – we never talked, Clare. For a year before it even happened. I just thought that things were over with you and me – friendship-wise obviously. How was I supposed to walk up to you and tell you that? Why would I do that?" Eli slowly said, his gaze never meeting Clare's.

"Because I should have known!" Clare replied, and she instantly regretting raising her voice…she couldn't believe she had just yelled at Eli.

"It wouldn't have been your job to console me. It was never your job to fix me. It was no one's job but my own," Eli assertively said, and Clare felt like someone had punched her so hard that she was winded when she heard those words coming out of his mouth.

Eli then continued, "And I never should have made you make me _that_ promise. I never held it against you, by the way – once I embraced proper help and began to see things clearly – you had no idea what you were promising, so it doesn't stand. And I'm sorry. I had no idea what I was asking you, either. I didn't understand the slightest thing about myself, and I'm so, so sorry I took you down that road. I never meant to, and by the time that I knew that I was gone too far, I was in too deep," Eli said, looking so horribly ashamed.

"It's okay, Eli. I forgive you," Clare replied at once and she saw Eli exhale deeply.

"I came…because I just wanted to see if you were okay," Clare softly said.

"I'm good. It's been two years. I'm fine," Eli replied with perfect nonchalance that Clare completely hated. The look on his face…was that same numbness that his anti-anxiety meds had once caused, and she knew that.

"Who…helps you? Are you all on your own here?" she gently asked.

"Well, I'm a big boy," Eli said with a smirk which immediately relaxed Clare. "And my aunt and uncle check in a lot. They helped me so much, but really, Clare, there's no reason to worry," Eli said, rather shocked to see…Clare care so much about him that she actually went out of her way and came to his house.

"Did anyone from our school come to the funeral?" Clare whispered, wanting to know who…had helped Eli when she had turned away from him in the hallway.

"Well, Sav did, as you probably know, but he wasn't at Degrassi anymore at that point – and other than him Adam was also there, and Fiona and Imogen," Eli told her, and Clare flinched at each and every name.

"Imogen?" Clare asked before her mouth could catch up with her brain.

"Yeah. I was…pretty horrible to her during that play," Eli said, and now it was his turn to flinch. "After that, we became friends – not that I deserve her friendship and I know it. She's dating my friend Daniel now – has been for over a year now, at least I brought one good thing into her life," Eli sadly said. Clare had heard of Imogen and Liam's break-up – apparently it was a mutual and respectful break-up due to the fact that she was leaving for university, but she now also realized that the boy who Eli always used to sit with in Canadian Studies last semester was indeed not only Eli's friend, but apparently Imogen's boyfriend of a long time as well.

She…almost couldn't believe that Eli's life now involved all of these people and relationships that she didn't know about….he really had written a new story, and Clare felt like she couldn't breathe. Even…his classes were so different; she had no idea what he was taking, she reflected as she glanced at the library books that Eli had placed on the coffee table.

"Why do you have library books?" she burst out, grasping at straws in a desperate attempt to find out more about the boy in front of her and what his life was made of these days.

"I'm taking a psychology class in the summer – I want to add a Creative Writing major to my English Lit degree and I can make it all go faster if I take summer classes and get rid of those pesky courses-outside-your-field-of-study-requirement," Eli explained.

"Did you take summer classes last year?" Clare pursued.

"Two – both English ones. If you get a chance to take contemporary Lit with Grabonac, don't miss out, one of the best profs at U of T," Eli answered.

"Do you have a paper due for your class and that's why you went to get the books?" Clare asked.

"Yeah," Eli replied. "Hey, are you going to do the joint B.A./M.A. deal?" he continued, and Clare giggled at Eli's informal description of the program.

"Yeah, are you?" she asked, shyly looking up at him.

"Yeah, I think so, just one little detail left to iron out, with me trying to do a Creative Writing major as well," Eli said, purposefully not telling Clare what that detail was. He had no idea where he was going to get $20 000, but he would have died of embarrassment if Clare would have caught on that…he had financial problems.

"So when is your paper due?" Clare continued.

"Ugh – tomorrow," Eli answered with a frown.

"You left it a little late," Clare burst out, immediately regretting her choice of words…it sounded so…judgemental.

She had meant to come here and be kind, and gentle, and reassuring, and…it was all going wrong. She wanted to say all the right words and do the right things, but…it just wasn't happening. Her heart froze when she realized that this was exactly how Eli had felt when he had been desperately trying to fix their relationship and…how she never had the patience to help him and guide him along. He was listening to her perfectly.

"Yeah, well, it's a hard topic for me to write about," Eli answered honestly.

"What's it on?" Clare asked, wanting to help Eli if she could.

"Um, consequences of abuse suffered in childhood years on later development," Eli said, and his gaze avoided Clare's even more than before, which set off an alarm bell with her right away.

"Eli…what happened?" Clare asked in a panic, wondering…just how far things had gone with Mike.

"Nothing," Eli replied in an assertive tone.

"Please…tell me – it's _me_, Eli," Clare pushed, not realizing that that was _precisely_ why he didn't want to say anything. Clare continued, "Why…is it hard to write? Which part?"

"It's hard to write because…researching it and learning about it…it just reminds me of something, that's all," Eli faltered.

"Something…or someone? Mike maybe?" Clare gently said, and Eli was surprised that she remembered what he had told her at Vegas Night.

"Yeah," Eli breathed.

"How did he hurt you? You said…that he used to just beat you up," Clare said, urgency flooding her tone.

"He did. Ever since we were about nine or so. That's all he did. To me," Eli slowly said, his voice barely audible. After a heart-sinking pause, however, he added, "And it went on for years – no matter what I did, he was always bigger and faster than me, and he never found other ways of amusing himself. But I didn't understand why until…um, this is dumb, you don't wanna hear this," Eli said, urgency flooding his own voice. He was doing it again – assuming Clare cared.

"I _want to_ know, Eli, please," she pleaded, and Eli was deathly afraid she might tear up again, so he continued,

"Okay. He…it got worse when I began…dating Julia. We…Julia and I were friends since when we were about nine – her mom- her real mom, her birth mom who died when she was twelve – and Cece were friends. Anyway, when we started dating, Mike started getting a lot more aggressive, and I was such an idiot I didn't even figure it out for the longest time. _He liked her_. He liked Julia, and the only thing that made him even angrier than the fact that she didn't feel the same way, was that _out of everyone_ – she chose _me_. But I never knew…I never thought that…he'd hurt her. She hid it – for a long time," Eli said, and Clare's heart sunk.

_The similarities were undeniable. _

"What did he do to her?" Clare asked in horror.

"She didn't tell me, but…he'd…touch her," Eli said, his voice dripping with anger, disgust, and his hands were shaking. "He'd…grope her and make her kiss him; he threatened that he'd finish me off for once and all if she didn't keep meeting him and…letting him do those things to her, touch her all over. She finally told me, and I was…there's only one other time in my life when I have been just as furious as I was then," Eli admitted.

_Oh my God. I can't believe this happened. This is why…this is why he acted like that._

"What happened?" Clare whispered. "When you found out?"

"It was at lunch at-at my old high school – she kept saying she needed to the art room to finish a painting, but he walked by and gestured to his watch – and I could tell something was up at once. She finally admitted it, and I have _never_ hit someone so hard in my life. _I _beat the living daylights out of _him_, and _he_ beat the living daylights out of _me _– right there in the lunchroom. After all, it all came out. He got taken away to some correctional facility – and that's where he stayed. Julia's step-mom didn't believe her; said she was just doing it for attention, and so Julia began spending more time with me and my parents. She wouldn't sleep at night – she'd get these chills, it was – God, it was _awful_. You know that she eventually just stayed with us than at her own house. My mom never liked Julia's step-mom anyway and she always told Julia stories about her real mom – Cece and her went to college together, and I think…that Julia liked Cece a lot, because she'd always talk about Julia's real mom," Eli explained, his eyes now tearing and an empty, cloudy look cast over them.

Clare wanted nothing more than to burst into sobs right then and there.

_Of course he had acted like that. He thought Fitz would touch me…hurt me. Like he said…have sex with me. _

"Eli?" Clare gently asked. "When…is the other time that you were that furious?" she whispered.

Eli answered faster than a bolt of lightning.

"When Fitz told me that _when he'd have sex with you, he'd be gentle_. Except I was actually angrier then – because I knew there was a strong chance that he meant it. That…he'd force you. That it would go on behind my back, and I wouldn't even know about it until it was…too late, until he'd already taken everything from you. It drove me mad – quite literally, probably – that any second at that stupid Vegas Night, any _second_ that I couldn't see you, he'd…make you do things. And when he came back from juvi and I realized that he could be anywhere, at any time – including your house when you were all alone – I…couldn't keep it together. Doubt I would have _even_ with my medicine and all the therapy in the world. I…saw what it did to Julia – it…destroyed her, and there it was…happening all over again, and I seemed to be just as powerless as the first time around. I know you weren't Julia – trust me, that was never my problem, and I know you might not believe me, but…it really wasn't, but…Fitz was really similar to Mike. I was afraid he'd do the same things that Mike obviously felt comfortable doing. And laws can't protect you all the time – why does Adam have a scar in his shoulder if they could? I'm not defending my actions, but…that's the time. That's the time when I was _even _angrier," Eli said, and a tear fell down his cheek.

"Eli," Clare tearfully breathed, not believing…how much he had suffered in that whole affair. Not believing…how unaware she had been of all of his pain over the past two years. And now Eli was all alone. Alone with his pain, his bills, and papers that were due tomorrow.

Clare shuddered when a jolt took over her entire body – her phone was vibrating in her jean pocket.

"Sorry," she apologetically said, and Eli quickly recomposed himself as Clare answered her phone. Eli could hear her mom on the other line saying,

"Clare, you promised you wouldn't be late for movie night," in a very reproachful tone.

"I'm coming," was all that Clare said in response to her mom, hanging up quickly after that.

She shot Eli a sad look and opened her mouth in to say something, but Eli just shot her the warmest, most understanding smile that Clare had received in a long time, and he said,

"I'll drive you home," realizing that…he felt he could do it under this circumstance. He felt he could drive Bullfrog's car. He had kept its maintenance up and it had gas, and…he could make sure Clare got home without having to be exposed to the rain all over again.

"Okay," Clare softly said, and as they walked out of Eli's apartment, she heard him gently ask,

"So, movie night. How…how are things at home, with our mom being remarried and living with Jake and his dad and all?" and Clare felt her heart swell when she heard Eli ask that question.

"Things are…balanced. It's kind of nice – when I go home on holidays and some weekends, I kind of love how busy it is. It's always bustling, and when it was just my mom and me it would be really quiet, kind of lonely," Clare said with a smile on her face. It took her a few seconds to realize that…she shouldn't have said that. Eli…his life was made up of…loneliness. It was just him. His apartment was…always quiet, Clare realized.

While her and Alli had been impatiently counting the days until Christmas break a few months ago…Clare knew that Eli didn't have anyone to even have Christmas dinner with.

"Did you aunt come down from Christmas?" Clare then asked, knowing that Eli's aunt lived in Hamilton.

"Not this time," Eli replied with a smirk that did nothing to fool Clare.

The thought of Eli eating alone in his nice, but empty apartment, all on his own on Christmas while all of their friends were with their families and friends…it was one of the saddest images that she had ever imagined.

**XXXXXXXXXXXX –Two weeks later-**

"Mom?" Clare said out loud as she logged off of her email account and headed for downstairs. She could see Jake and his dad watching _Holmes on Holmes _on the couch, and she figured that everyone might as well be there for her…not so happy announcement.

"Yes, sweetheart?" Helen asked as she emerged from the kitchen.

"I didn't get a U of T placement. I have to go all the way to UBC," and regardless of how hard she tried not to – she began tearing up. This meant…she would have to leave the little bit of family she barely saw between her busy schedule and living on campus.

"Oh, Clare, sweetheart, that's okay, that's okay, we can take it one semester at a time," Helen consoled Clare, wrapping her up in a hug at once as Glen turned off the TV.

Helen guided Clare over to the loveseat and gave her a tight hug. Jake didn't like seeing Clare so destroyed, so he gently suggested,

"Hey, Clare, why don't you just do an English major? Forget this whole new program crap – just do an English major like you always planned, and no one's gonna send you anywhere," he argued, making a rather valid point.

"But I _got in! _I got into this program that's really competitive, and I should be able to handle just a few months in Vancouver. It's Vancouver, for crying out loud, and I'm an adult now – Darcy up and went to Kenya when she was so much younger. I should just stop being such a baby…right?" Clare shakily said.

"Well, sweetheart, we'll support you in whatever you want to do, love," Helen gently said. "If you want to head out to UBC for the year, we can definitely make that work".

Glen then somewhat awkwardly contributed, "I have a lot of air miles on the contracting company's card – you can use those for about six flights, I bet, if not more – we can count those outside of the plane tickets at the end of the term that your mom and I will get you – just six bonus little trips," with a smile, wanting Clare to like and trust him, a task that she had not made any easier for him over the past two years.

"Right. I can do this. And I'll be busy studying and TAing – the time will go by so fast, right? Just one term, then I can come home for Christmas for two months, and then the other term – it's definitely doable. It may not be my favourite thing, but…I can do this," Clare determinedly said, but on the inside she was just as sad as ever.

Clare then spent the entire next two hours strategizing with her mom while Jake and Glen looked on and helped…checking out different websites advertising housing in Vancouver and other relevant things. Clare felt her stress level automatically rise when they logged onto a UBC forum and they discovered that apparently, the university was notoriously bad for its housing department…it was a lottery system that had a 2 000 person waiting list…and Clare knew that not only would be useless and ridiculous to add herself to that list at this point, but that even if she did figure out how to get onto it, it wouldn't lead to any concrete result.

She wouldn't even have a place to live? She was ready to pull her hair out at all of the stress that she never realized moving away to university included – she realized just how well she had had it with U of T. She had received all the advantages of knowing the city perfectly and being always near enough to her family as well as the advantages of living on campus and experiencing student life at its fullest.

As she sat in between her mom and Jake, the three of them crowded around her laptop as Glen had switched over to doing the bills of his company, it hit Clare even harder than before. She didn't want to go to Vancouver. She was…she would do it, but…she was…sad.

"Jake, dear, can you get that?" Helen asked him as the doorbell interrupted Clare's thoughts.

"Of course," Jake said, and he quickly walked over to the door, flung it open, and saw someone on the other side who he had never seen on the front steps of the house before.

"Eli," he said, clear surprise in his tone. "Hey," Jake then added.

"Hi Jake," Eli said with clear discomfort in his voice. Other than one conversation over fixing something that had gone wrong with Jake's truck, the two boys never interacted much in their time at Degrassi and Jake and Eli had never run into each other while Jake was completing his business administration program at U of T; his dad had recommended Jake to do so in order to be able to be an independent owner of the contracting company once he inherited it from his dad.

"What's up?" Jake then asked Eli, as he was really surprised to see him here.

"I'm not here to bother you – I just wanted to ask you if you could give this letter to Clare for me," Eli somewhat shyly said to Jake, holding out a large manila envelope.

"What's this, Eli?" Jake sighed impatiently, wondering if Eli was up to one of his plans again…Clare didn't need that right now - or ever - Jake thought.

The question, however, caused Clare to hear his name from inside the house, as well as catch her mom's confused look. Clare then quickly walked to the door and sweetly asked,

"Eli? Eli's here?" and Jake moved aside and gestured towards him.

"Hey, what are you doing here?" Clare gently asked as Helen cast a look Eli's way, noticing that he was just a bit taller these days, his shoulders were broader, and his hair was just a bit shorter.

"I just needed to give you this –" Eli said, holding out the manila envelope to Clare.

"Come in, Eli, come in," Clare replied before she processed Eli's statement.

"No, I don't want to impose, I just wanted to give you this," Eli said, and Clare then took the envelope but insisted, "Don't be silly, Eli come inside," Clare instructed.

Once he did so, Helen cheerfully said,

"Hi, Eli. Long time no see. How are you? What are you up to these days?" having no idea about the recent events in Eli's life.

"I'm good, ma'am," Eli said, employing the more general term as he was not sure if Clare's mom had changed her last name after her marriage and not wanting to offend her. He then continued, "I'm at U of T – starting the joint B.A./M.A. program and hoping to do a Creative Writing major as well".

"Well, that sounds like a very put-together plan, Eli," Helen said with an approving smile, because even if her daughter's relationship with Eli had ended so long ago…seeing Eli in this moment, it made Helen's mind instantly flash back to a moment when the same young man was on her front steps with his dad right behind him. In that moment, Eli had demonstrated perfect maturity and love for Helen's daughter as she looked her right in the eye and told her that her daughter was the kindest, most patient person that he had ever met and that he was her best friend. Helen realized right then and there that Eli, at only seventeen, knew the key to a successful relationship better than most people she had ever known in her life – herself included at that point. He understand that…if a solid and meaningful friendship is not there to back up a relationship…sooner or later, it will crumble. It made Helen just a little sad that despite everything, Eli and Clare's relationship had ended and Clare had never really talked about him again. This only made Helen wonder more…as to…what Eli was going here.

"Thank you ma'am," Eli politely replied.

"Eli, this is my husband and Jake's father, Glen," Helen politely said. "Glen, Eli is an old classmate of Clare and Jake's from Degrassi," she continued as Glen shook Eli's hand.

"I'm really sorry to come by unannounced like this, but I just…I really needed to give you that, Clare," Eli said for about the millionth time as Clare's attention was redirected to the envelope.

"What is it?" she asked curiously.

"Open it," Eli gently said, and Clare did so…to reveal… a series of registration forms with the U of T logo at the top, and a letter that had…already been signed by Eli. In just a few lines, the letter indicated that…both her signature and Eli's was needed in order to officially complete a…switch between their B.A./M.A. teaching assignment choices.

"Eli, no," Clare said as he began shaking her head in his direction, understanding everything at once. "You got into the U of T option – you stay," and Clare passed the letter to her mom so she could look at it too. In that second, Helen Edwards understood more about the dynamics in that room than anyone else, Eli and Clare included. When she realized what Eli had done for her daughter, Helen didn't need to know anything else.

"I'm _not_ staying. _You're_ staying. I just…need your signature; everything else is taken care of," Eli calmly said as Jake flashed him a look of acceptance and nodded in his direction.

"Eli – no," Clare stubbornly insisted.

"Clare," Eli said with an exhale, "I…it just makes sense okay? Your family is here, and…I know how important it is to you to be with them. It's your family, it's where you should be. I can go to Vancouver," he continued, and Helen flashed him sad, understanding smile.

"Eli, you'd have to find a place to live, do all of these things –" Clare began.

"And I'll do them," Eli quickly said. "It just…this is how it should be. You should stay here, with your family, with…what matters. I'll go to Vancouver. It's got…a good music scene," Eli kindly said, and no one noticed that he was trying to convince himself as well that he'd like Vancouver.

"But you'd have to pay for room and board, and this program's tuition is already so much, and what if you want to do a degree after? You'll _never_ save enough," Clare pointed out.

"I'll save enough," Eli softly said, with perfect confidence that rather convinced Clare

"Eli...why did you do this?" Clare asked emotionally, because all of the completed paperwork made her realize that Eli had made a special appeal and talked to the Department Head…of _both _universities, and…made it all work out.

All eyes were on Eli as he somewhat awkwardly inserted his hands into his leather jacket pockets and he exhaled deeply before he looked Clare directly in the eyes and softly said,

"I – I just…I like seeing you happy. That's all. This way…you can be with your family, you can still room with Alli – you can be with all the people that make you happy, at the school that makes you happy, studying in the program that makes you happy," Eli finished, leaving Clare breathless and her mom casting Eli a kind smile.

"Just sign it," Eli continued, and Jake passed Clare a pen with an encouraging look.

She signed the paper with a shaky hand.

"Perfect. Thanks. All you have to do now is drop off the forms in the English Department Office – just a formality, everything else is all taken care of, or so the department heads told me on the phone. I'm sorry I interrupted your family just before dinner," Eli said politely and he then moved to walk out of Clare's home.

"Eli, just wait a second," everyone then heard Helen say.

"Yes?" he asked.

"You're sure about this? Your parents okay with you going away so far?" Helen asked, a question that made Clare flinch and Eli cast his eyes down at the floor at once and his lips to form into a tiny sad smirk.

"It's not a problem," were the words that Eli chose to say as Clare cast him a warm look.

"So kind of you, Eli. True gentleman," Helen praised, "Now please stay for dinner – I'm just about to set the table," she said affirmatively, and Clare nodded encouragingly at him.

"Thank you ma'am, I'd love to – so much – but I actually have a job interview that I need to prepare for and get to," Eli answered.

"Oh, all right then. Well, good luck, Eli. And…thank you for enabling my daughter to stay close to me," Helen emotionally said.

"No credit to me – she got into the program because she's incredibly smart and astute, and a great writer – the teaching assignment thing is just a stupidly organized thing, it doesn't mean anything," Eli said as he shrugged his shoulders.

"Have a good night," Eli then said, and everyone sensed that Clare should be the one to walk him out.

She walked slowly and just as Eli took one last look at her before he turned around, she whispered,

"Thank you, Eli."

XXXXXXXXXXXX

Eli let out a huge breath and began walking in the direction of his apartment.

He was happy that she had smiled.

Everything had turned out just as it needed to.

_Now I just have to make $20 000 appear out of thin air, plus probably another $15 000 that I'll need for rent and living in Vancouver. Freaking city just HAS TO have the most expensive real estate in the entire country. Awesome. _

Eli knew he didn't have a shot at getting the job. He thought he could perform well and fill out the job requirements nicely, but…

_They won't take me. I know they won't. They'll…need to know that I'm bipolar. Once they see that, they're not gonna take that risk. But maybe if Dr. Thomson writes them a letter saying I'd be okay to do it…_Eli began thinking, and just one hour later, Eli had a happy smirk on his face as Dr. Thomson instantly said that she'd be happy to support him, because she was confident that he had come so far the he could definitely qualify for the job, despite his bipolar condition.

Eli then met with the interviewer. The incredibly professional and slightly intimidating man read Dr. Thomson's letter carefully, and then nodded his head slowly and proceeded to ask Eli a few more questions about his writing. He then explained the terms of the financial agreement to Eli – the agreement that had been catered to students; it would cover whatever studies Eli chose to do as long as they were congruent with his position. His position was writing-based, so Eli knew that if he were to get this, his entire program's tuition would be covered.

The man slowly took his glasses off and rolled up the light green sleeves of his dress shirt before he looked Eli in the eye and said,

"Son, you bet we have a job for you," and Eli let out a huge breath that he wasn't even aware that he was holding.

**XXXXXXXXXXX –One week later-**

"You're not serious!" Helen gasped in horror as Clare shared the news of Eli's parents' death with her mom. Clare was watching her mom organize various things around the sunny kitchen and they were talking about the upcoming school year, and one thing led to another and Helen had brought up what a nice gesture Eli had committed.

"I am. I didn't even know until recently, mom," Clare said sadly.

"But they were so young! Probably even younger than me if anything," Helen said in shock. "Poor Eli," she whispered.

Helen then continued, "And I asked him flat out about his parents…how awful," she said in horror. "So…he's all on his own? Does he have grandparents?"

"He has an aunt – mom's sister. I think she helps him, but she lives all the way in Hamilton," Clare sadly said.

Jake then walked in and shrugged his shoulders and said, "He's okay, don't worry about him. Eli can handle his own. Plenty of guys our age live alone," he pointed out.

"Oh, I don't know about that, Jake. I don't know about that," Helen replied at once. "There's a big difference between living on campus while you study and being completely alone in this big old world," she continued. "And you feel it every time you have to do something as simple as cook a meal – always for one. When you get sick for the first time and don't even have anyone to run a drugstore and get you medicine," Helen said, and everyone looked down at the floor sadly.

"Clare, I'm making lasagne tonight – why don't you go get Eli and have him come over? I doubt he'd accept over the phone, he's so stubborn, but he couldn't deny you in person," Helen remarked, and then watched a pink hue spread across her daughter's cheeks with an amused smile.

Helen then continued, "We kind of owe him that, at least. He never could stay that night that he brought that paperwork. The boy probably hasn't a proper home cooked meal in over two years. Well, then, off you go, Clare, go get Eli, don't keep us all waiting too long," she said as she all but pushed her daughter out the door.

Clare got to Eli's apartment just fifteen minutes later, and she smiled when she was on the street below, just walking to the apartment building – she saw Eli coming out of the building, a plain green sack slung across his shoulder. It was a bit of an odd sight, and as she approached him Clare saw that he didn't have any of his rings on, nor did he have his guitar pick necklace on either, and…his nails didn't have any polish of Sharpie marks on them, nor was he wearing any eyeliner. He was, however, dressed in all black like he often was, wearing just a pair of black skinny jeans, and a black dress shirt over his leather jacket.

"Clare?" he asked in confusion as she stepped forward and surprised him by giving him a small and chaste, but extremely warm hug.

"Come on, let's go," she said with a warm smile and a head gesture towards the opposite direction.

"What do you mean?" Eli asked as he moved his hand further down the strap of his bag.

"You're coming to dinner – my mom made lasagne – you couldn't stay for dinner last time because you had that job interview," Clare said with a sweet smile.

"…aaand now I have to actually go to the job," Eli said, shooting her a regretful smirk and making Clare understand why he was carrying a bag.

"It's out of town?" she asked.

"Yeah," was all Eli said in reply.

"Where are you going?" Clare pursued.

"I have to be on a flight to Ottawa in an hour and a half, and I need to get to the airport if I'm gonna make it," Eli pointed out.

"You're working in Ottawa? For the summer?" Clare inquired.

"Yeah," Eli replied.

"Strict employers, no rings or necklace?" Clare remarked.

"They just…have a certain way they like things to be," Eli replied.

"Are you working for the government, writing or something for them?" Clare asked, because she knew that almost everyone in Ottawa seemed to work for the federal government. Clare thought that there was only one reason people went to Ottawa for work for.

"Yeah, something like that," Eli answered as his mind worked at full speed to memorize every freckle and every detail of Clare's face.

"Oh, that's too bad. Rain check? When you come back, okay? Dinner, don't forget," Clare said with a warm look in her eyes that Eli hadn't seen in so long.

"Okay. When I come back," Eli agreed with a wide smirk.

"I'll hold you to that. Bye for now then," Clare said, disappointment lacing her voice.

"Bye, Clare," Eli slowly said, glad he had gotten to have this moment.

Clare didn't know that there were in reality, only _two_ reasons why people went Ottawa for work for.

**Please leave me a review. Predictions?**


	3. Green Grass

**Hi readers, **

**Look, I did it. I wrote another chapter, despite the fact that all I could think of when I went to write was a tumblr message that made me very sad. **

**So I'm gonna try finishing this story for you, though I'm not gonna lie, it feels totally different now. Anyway, I owe it to those of you who wrote to me on twitter and tumblr and the story doesn't even come into its full realm until this chapter.**

**Everything represented here is fiction, but rooted as much as possible in the current and most likely immediate-future in Canada (seeing how Clare is going into her 2ns year at uni and Eli into his third, we're in the future here). **

**Also, don't worry if you feel there are things you don't understand yet; the story is meant to have gaps in it. Clare's storyline is pretty clear; Eli's is full of mysteries at this point. **

**And to abbreviate Eli, I really don't know what else to say. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi. **

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

It was happening again, and just as always, when he woke up, Eli wished he could stop it.

But the dream wouldn't leave him alone.

It was a recent one; he had only begun having it since about two months ago, when he had gone over to Clare's house so he could give her the papers offering her his Teaching Assistant position at U of T and claiming one of the UBC spots that was supposed to be hers as his own. He had seen the list by the Dean's office and he knew it was the right thing to do. It would make her happy, and it did. Besides, he didn't have anyone, while she had…all of her family; it just made sense for him to be the one to pack up and leave. His therapist had told him that a change of scenery might also be good for him, and Eli hoped Dr. Thomson was right. He had never been to Vancouver, but Bullfrog and Cece had both been there for the Sasquatch music festival every year before they had him, and they spoke of it as if it was a cool city. Eli did know it had the best music scene in all of Canada, but he wondered if he'd actually be in the mood to catch a show. Going to see shows by yourself was not something he enjoyed doing, and he didn't know if he'd make any friends in Vancouver.

These were the thoughts that were rummaging through his mind as he attempted to calm down his panting and the shaking of his hands – he loathed the state that nightmares put him in and how long it took to recover.

He thanked his lucky stars that he had been placed in a private room – just another thing that he hadn't expected. This job treated him well; a lot better than working at the U of T bookstore did, that was for sure. Eli knew he owed it to his friend Daniel to thank him for recommending him, because he knew his employers had taken a big risk with him. So he didn't want to let them down; from the minute that he had arrived in Ottawa, they had treated him enormously well.

They had picked him up, welcomed him with lunch, gave him the keys to his on-site apartment, and told him that for the summer, his only job was to properly complete his training; go to class, learn, and make sure that he would pass the final exam at the end of the summer. Eli knew he was becoming their investment, but he didn't think of himself as property; he liked that they trusted him when they really had no reason to do such a thing. He was bipolar; he knew he represented a risk.

But he also wasn't blind; he knew that several things about his position made him very attractive in their eyes, but as he learned more and more about the job and the entire organization the more he felt that he had made the right choice. Opinions that he had before even begun to change as knowledge and information replaced generalizations, and he was determined to do a good job. His schedule every day always went by the same routine, and he always had weekends and evenings off. Eli regretted that Daniel had been assigned to another location – of course he would have, he later reflected – Ottawa was only for those of us getting trained, and Daniel had achieved that task a whole year ago.

Eli didn't regret his decision, but at times he feared the enormity of his task. People…depended on him and on his writing; his words now produced more than feelings, they produced…futures. They made the difference between security and uncertainty. He knew this was why the people he helped called him "Sir," when they didn't have to, often for many times after he insisted that they call him Eli.

That was why, on nights where he'd have the nightmare, he felt…like a fraud.

The people he helped thought he had it all so together; they surely never even thought about the possibility that just a few years ago, Eli's life had reached a point of complete unmanageability.

He'd be tired and haunted by it for the rest of the day after the nightmare, and Eli knew that he was doing important tasks. He needed to be fully receptive and astute, not consumed with the turbulences of a bipolar mind. Eli knew that Dr. Thomson would just warmly laugh at him if he were to share the dream with her, and she'd say she wasn't a dream interpreter. Eli never dreamed of not taking his medication ever again – the look on Imogen's and Clare's face during those times was enough to make him swallow. He didn't want to add to the list of people that he had hurt, and now more than ever, it was important to stay balanced. But Eli knew that he could manage the stresses of his new position; he had had two full years of gaining more awareness of his mind and body, and he had learned that what Dr. Thomson had said to him the very first day that he had visited her was, after all, correct. He could lead a normal life. Besides, he regularly checked in with the on-site psychiatrist here; that had been on the mandatory conditions of his contract. Eli didn't take to her as much as he had to Dr. Thomson, but he could tell that she was a very smart lady who definitely had guided many people through very complex problems.

This is why he hated the morning after the nightmare, if it could even be called 'morning'. Eli stared at the digital clock's red display, knowing that it was accurate to the second, and he sighed deeply when he saw it display 4:32am, knowing that this final sigh would take him closer to a regular breathing pattern.

He didn't understand this nightmare, and that's what scared him the most. Usually, they were things from the past.

_You're messed, Eli. You're a sociopath who likes to jerk people around and hurt them. Heartless monster. I don't know anymore. You make all these plans, talk about forever…That's not what I want anymore. I hate the hearse! We NEED TO break up! You manipulated me! I can't be around you! You're not making any sense. This is Jake, and we go way back – I love you too. _

Those were all things that he expected, but the new nightmare chilled him to the very core. It seemed so…real and yet so…crazy at the same time.

He had never been to a part of North America that looked like that; with the large, white colonial mansions that you'd find in Alabama or Georgia, but there he was, inside one as the crickets chirped outside. He was an adult, standing at the foot of the stairs while she slowly climbed the stairs, taking off her white, soft and fluffy cardigan and revealing a flowing white dress.

She had a pink flower in her hair, and for some inexplicable reason, Eli felt like he had been the one to give it to her, earlier that day. He felt that the room that she was heading to, clearly for the night, had a vase full of others just like it. She looked tired. So tired, but so radiant at the same time. And it was just the two of them, on the large property that spanned for miles and miles – a trademark of the pre-slavery area, its cotton fields now abandoned as humanity put that atrocity behind the pages of history yet its consequences haunted the present day just as much as ever.

He felt like they spent their days together; all day long, walking around the property, sitting on the branch of that tree by the lake, and she was always wearing a dress and her hair loosely pinned back…always a little more tired than he was used to her being. Before she headed up the stairs, she had been the one to turn off the TV that had shown exploding fireworks by the Statute of Liberty, the Sydney Opera House, Big Ben, and other landmarks. He never dreams it in sequence, but he knows that that's what they were doing before she walked up the stairs, and he just waited at the foot of the steps, watching her slow, but graceful movements, wondering why she was so tired and what he could do to make her smile. That's why the pink flowers were in her room every day; he put them there to make her smile.

And then he speaks. And he's tossing and turning in his sleep and tears are forming in his shut eyes because even if the lines were never exchanged between them in real life, to him they feel…_so real_.

_Will you marry me, Clare? _He bursts out boldly, clutching the velvet box in his coat pocket and shyly pulling it out as a testament to the fact that he wasn't just acting on impulse, but that he had attempted to do things properly and get the girl that he loved a ring that she would like. A ring with a diamond surrounded by tiny blue emeralds, shiny just like her pretty eyes.

And she slightly turns around, moving just her head and her upper body – and looks down at him from the stairwell and she just looks at him and gives him a sad smile.

He feels he needs to say something else; to provide her with a rationale for why she should say yes. There's only one way he can put it.

_I'd make a good husband, Clare, _he says, because he knows from his mom what a good husband does for his wife and he knows that he can do those things for her, just like his dad had done for his mom throughout their marriage – the strongest and best marriage that Eli knew.

And she looks at him with her big, sad eyes and tips her head ever so slightly before she softly answers,

_You…wouldn't, Eli_, and just like that, he feels an actual physical ache in his heart and understands what the doctor had meant when he had said that had he been able to write down 'died of a broken heart,' on his dad's death certificate he would have.

He knows he should let her get up on to bed in the room that he prepared for her – he doesn't know why or how, but this house is somehow his and he lived here all alone among the big empty rooms before one day when she was here…just like that – but he's hurt and confused and has just one more thing to say to her.

_Why don't you love me, Clare? I may not be a perfect, well-adjusted man, but…I know what love is. _

He doesn't wait for her to answer, and he knows she probably wouldn't anyway. She heads up the stairs while he goes out to the porch.

The crickets are even louder out there.

He wakes up in a sweat, and after ten minutes of calming himself down, he knows he can't get back to sleep. He pulls out his training manual and reviews the material they covered in class yesterday.

_Canada has been involved in every single one since 1946_, he repeats to himself, not because it's crucially important or because he has forgotten it, but because memorization takes his mind off the troubled things that it _always_ seems to want to return to. Even when he wishes so badly that she wouldn't be on his mind. Not here. Not now.

He knows he's hanging on to the last words she said to him, but sometimes his job training is long, and boring, and intimidating. The exam is cumulative and not easy, and if he could pass and actually do the job his entire degree would be taken care of. They'd take care of him, they had said, and Eli knew it was especially added to his file because they knew he had no one to take care of him in their eyes. His aunt would have the baby in about two months, he judged, and he couldn't wait to meet her; he had been right – it was a little girl. He knew he would be out at UBC when she would be born, but she would only be a few months old at Christmas and he could see her then.

And deep down inside his heard, Eli couldn't help but think that when it came to Clare…maybe…they could do what she had said. Maybe there was a way they could be friends one day.

_When you get back, don't forget. Dinner – I'm going to hold you to that. _

And as the days slowly went by and Eli's writing developed for its particular purpose and he passed the exam with flying colours, his desire for having dinner with Clare was a large part of what kept him going. He was playing a dangerous game, and he knew it, but he couldn't help it. He was lonely in Ottawa, and he had been working so hard for so long. It helped to have something to look forward to. All the other boys and girls here did, Eli knew it; he saw their pictures when they passed them to him and told him about their loved ones, and sometimes some of the guys asked him for help with some of the lines they were writing to their girls. Eli chuckled and obliged.

XXXXXXXXXXX **–Two months later- **

"Oh my God! Oh my God! It's a date! He's finally asked you out! You have to go, you have to!" Alli shrieked at the top of her lungs as she plopped down in excitement on the bed that Clare claimed as her own at her family's cabin.

"Alli, calm down. It's no such thing. I was just in his office discussing my schedule for the upcoming semester and I saw the book on his desk. I told him I love _Twelfth Night _and he just mentioned it was playing at the Canon theatre, that's all. Just a common love of theatre," Clare replied, but her blazing face and the way in which she was avoiding Alli's gaze did nothing to fool Clare's best friend.

"In his office…_discussing your schedule_…if that's what the kids are calling it these days," Alli teased mercilessly as Clare threw a pillow at her in response.

"Hey – I invite you here as my guest – I can just as easily have Jake drive you back to Toronto, you know –" Clare started, but Alli was on a roll, and she interrupted,

"Uh oh – another boy who will do anything for you at the drop of a hat, just like your Italian lover boy teaching assistant! Oh how I love _Twelfth Night_ – Let's go, I'll take you, bella," Alli said, batting her eyelashes sarcastically and employing different voices in her one-woman one act play.

"Stop it! It's not like that! He's my _TA, Alli_ – nothing can happen there," Clare said in her most convincing tone of voice.

"Is it like, actually forbidden? As in written-in-the-calendar kind of forbidden?" Alli curiously asked.

"I have no idea. Probably not," Clare said with a thoughtful look.

"How old is he again?" Alli pursued.

"Twenty-eight, took some time off and did some traveling in between degrees," Clare quickly answered.

"Well, _don't we know all about Lorenzo's life story_ ooh la la! Your average Renaissance man. Cultured and smart, just like you them. And finally, this is more like it - a writer whose works aren't psychotic delusi-" Alli started.

"Okay, that's enough," Clare replied.

"Come on, Clare. It's time for you to get another boyfriend, don't you think? It's been a while since John. A whole year of being single! Time to get out there on the prowl," Alli said with a wink as Clare rolled her eyes and began rummaging through her bag for her swim suit, itching to get one last dip in the crystal cold Lake Ontario water before she'd have to return to school.

XXXXXXXXXXX **–One week later-**

"Dude, if you stare at that phone any harder, it might burst into flames," Adam said to his best friend, casting him a suspicious sideways glare as he collapsed onto the soft black leather couch in Eli's apartment.

"You waiting for some news or something?" Adam further pursued when all Eli did in response was shoot him an unimpressed glare.

"No. I'm not waiting for anything," Eli softly said as he resumed stuffing his clothing into his black suitcase, the thought of choosing which of his favourite novels to take with him daunting him. For the first time, he was starting to realize that maybe being away for the summer and then leaving just a few days later for Vancouver perhaps wasn't the best timing in the world. Moving was…so much work. It seemed like there was always some stupid little detail that he had forgotten about – he had already put his computer in his carry-on, but did he remember its charger? Its mouse? He had already packed his toiletries in the standard issue black carrying case that he had been given at his job over the summer, but he still needed to keep it out so he could brush his teeth in the morning, and all of these little details were beginning to irritate Eli.

As he looked around, Eli realized that the apartment was a mess, so he apologetically said to his best friend,

"Dude, sorry I'm leaving you with such a mess, I'm gonna try to make it a bit better before I'm off tomorrow," but Adam just nonchalantly gave Eli a dismissive wave. Eli knew that Adam wouldn't mind the mess – he had been to his old door room plenty of times. Adam's experience in the all boys' rez in his first year hadn't been the best, and while Eli had invited Adam to room with him the minute the boys had found out Adam had been accepted to U of T, Adam had opted to stay on the actual campus for his first year. However, as Adam gained more confidence in navigating the campus and this knowledge led him to be able to tell that Eli's apartment really wasn't that far away, when Eli had told him that he should feel free to bunk down there for the year that Eli would be at UBC, Adam had kindly accepted. Eli had refused to accept any rent money – Adam had barely been able to convince him to accept the minimum for utilities, and even that small victory should truthfully rather be attributed to Mrs. Torres and her killer glare that had silenced Eli at once.

The apartment, at the moment, looked like the aftermath of a tornado between all of the things that Adam had brought with him for the first semester and as Eli was trying to straighten out what to take with him and what to leave behind. Adam had made a point of arriving early in case his best friend might have needed help in making those decisions, but Eli didn't seem to have any trouble with the prospect of being away from many of the things in his apartment that Adam knew his best friend found very important to him.

He _did_, however, seem to have a problem with procrastination and laziness, Adam thought, as well as a compulsion to check his phone every five seconds it seemed. Adam noticed that Eli was checking every possible means of contacting someone as well - he was using his phone to access twitter as well, and Adam observed that he also checked into FaceRange.

"Dude, you sure you don't have OCD as well?" Adam teased, because Adam knew that he was one of the few people in the world who could crack a joke with Eli over the events of the past two years.

"Haha, very funny, Adam," Eli replied with a playful glare that let Adam know that nothing was wrong and that Eli did see the humour in why he was asking that question.

"You might as well tell me, you know I'll get it out of you," Adam said with a laugh, but he quickly wiped the amused look off his face when he saw a shadow of…disappointment or sadness – was it? – cross Eli's face.

"I just…had this appointment that I thought was happening, but I was wrong," Eli replied, quickly zipping up his suitcase shut with determination so intense that Adam realized…a lot of emotion was being poured into that action.

"What kind of appointment?' Adam pursued.

"Clare just said that we should have dinner when I come back, that's all," Eli burst out, no longer able to hold it in.

It was a few seconds before Adam spoke.

"Eli, dude…what you doing?" he gently asked.

"I'm not doing anything but packing," Eli determinately said. "Do you see me calling her or trying to reach her? You know I haven't done that in forever," Eli added. The only way in which he considered having dinner with Clare as an acceptable thing to do was if she contacted him – he had updated his Twitter and FaceRange accounts in hopes that if she was wondering in which window of time he'd be in town…she could know.

_If she was interested, which she obviously wasn't. She had just said that dinner thing to be polite. I don't want to call her. Force her. Make her feel awkward or uncomfortable…like she owes me. See that…hardness take over her entire body, see her steal glances at her watch, have Jake appear halfway through because he's worried about her being with me. I don't want any of that, and I'm a fool for letting myself get carried away. Again. _

"I know, I know," Adam slowly said. "You're a good guy, Eli. Maybe she just forgot. And besides, you're off tomorrow. Maybe…focus on that, you know? Help me clean up this mess of an apartment and listen to all the reasons why you'd better not make a new best friend while you're over on the hippie coast," Adam teased, and he was relieved to see an amused smirk spread across Eli's face.

Adam then got up from the couch and began picking up items that had been casually thrown on the floor as he began, "Reason #1: No one will have the same awesome music taste as me – music city or not…Reason #2: Hollywood North or not, no movie is the same without my running commentary and insightful critique, Reason #3- it freaking rains like crazy in that city and you're gonna grow webbed feet and wanna come back to Toronto after a month…."

XXXXXXXXXXX –**Four hours later- **

"So, did you like it, bella?" Lorenzo playfully asked as he gently took Clare's arm and placed it around his own as he guided her out of the theatre towards his car.

"It was amazing," Clare declared breathlessly, being very impressed with Toronto Arts Club' production of _Twelfth Night_. A happy smile stretched across her face, and she blushed profusely every time Lorenzo employed his nickname for her, Alli's words reverberating throughout her head.

Clare got into the car, put her seatbelt on and watched Lorenzo start it, his dark hair and chocolate brown eyes contrasting the dark of the night ever so slightly. It was a rather nice and expensive Audi, and Clare giggled at his love for all things Italian.

"Something funny, bella?" Lorenzo asked with an amused glare her way.

"No, no, I'm just…happy," Clare declared blissfully.

"Well, you should be – just about to be part of the official first class of the joint M.A./B.A. program at the best university in the country starting tomorrow," Lorenzo replied as he sent a wink Clare's way.

"I'm a little nervous – especially for the teaching part," Clare shyly admitted.

"Is this because you….had to do that switch thing?" Lorenzo gently asked, not wanting to use the words 'didn't get in'.

He still felt like he did something wrong, however, when he saw Clare flinch at the question.

"A little," Clare answered.

"Don't be nervous, bella, teaching is easy – take it from me. Half of undergrads are almost asleep half of the time anyway," he joked.

That was one of the things that Clare enjoyed most about his company – he knew exactly what to say to her to get her mind off of her troubles, and Clare's naiveté and inexperience with older Italian men led her to believe that this a sincere technique unique to Lorenzo for her. And despite the fact that Clare didn't exactly want to admit to herself, Alli had caught on to the thoughts that had crossed Clare's mind when she asked herself…_what if_? She…liked that Lorenzo liked literature and was so successful in his studies of it. She knew that she had missed that in her relationships with Jake and John, and when she had first picked up on the signals that Lorenzo was sending her…she felt like a cloudy was finally veiled from her vision. There was…more than one person in the world who liked literature and writing and who could talk to her about such things. More than one boy on the planet who was interested in that, and…that thought had made her feel rather free. And Lorenzo was a TA, so accomplished and…so light hearted. There were no secrets or an intensity so powerful that it scared her at once whenever it surfaced, like a monster lurking in the shadows ready to pounce at any time. And Clare liked all of these things about Lorenzo; she considered it to be the perfect formula.

Clare then heard Lorenzo continue, "Don't you worry your pretty little mind, bella, you'll be fine. You're an exceptional writer," he complimented her.

"Thank you," Clare replied with a blush so deep that she could actually feel her face flaming. "I got a lot of practice working at the paper in high school and in my first year," she said with a determination in her voice – she had her accomplishments as well, she reflected.

"Oh, those were actually discounted from your application – Dr. Richards said we couldn't include any writing that wasn't academic or fiction," Lorenzo said absent-mindedly, causing Clare to remark at once,

"What? How is newspaper writing _not_ academic?" in shock.

"You know – academic writing, like articles printed in journals. The same way that when you use an article from the U of T paper in an essay, it doesn't count as an academic source – man, sometimes I forget you are only going into your second year, bella," Lorenzo said, and the remark stung Clare just a little.

"I know what academic writing is," she mumbled as she sank deeper into her seat.

"Wrong turn," she then said, and Lorenzo apologized before Clare told him the proper route to her house.

Lorenzo sensed that he had entered some uncomfortable territory, and he wanted to make everything better, so he attempted to console Clare through a comment that achieved everything but that purpose.

"Don't worry, bella Clare – that story you sent along, the one you co-authored, solidified your place. It helps to have something published – always. And Dr. Richards was pleased to see that that guy you partnered with in writing it was also applying to the program; he had already been accepted by the time we got to your application, because we reviewed the third year cohort applications first," Lorenzo described, and he saw Clare purse her lips at once and look out the window while he swore he could see her brown curls shaking so slightly as she also shook her head.

"Yeah, he's going to UBC though –" Clare started, and then Lorenzo heard her sharply inhale as she asked him,

"Oh no - what's the date today?" and he confusedly answered, "September 4th".

Clare's mind instantly flashed to a certain FaceRange status and to a promise she had made.

_In Toronto until September 4__th__, then heading out to the west coast. _

"Something wrong, Clare?" Lorenzo asked and he watched Clare turn around to face him and flash him a sweet smile as she said, "Um, no. Everything's fine," completely convincing him at once.

"So, anyway, as I was saying," Lorenzo continued, "Dr. Richards liked that both authors would be joining the program, said he hoped you'd partner again".

"That is _so_ not happening ever again," Clare declared at once.

"Why not? You know, I think I might have been the TA for a first-year class that he was in, his name sounded so familiar. Who is that kid?" Lorenzo asked, and Clare decided to come clean, not wanting the ghost of Eli to resurface later in the relationship and…ruin it.

"He _was _my ex," she exhaled. "A long time ago. Three years ago," she said, and awaited Lorenzo's reaction.

"Oh, I get why you wouldn't want to partner with him again then. Bad break-up?" Lorenzo asked with a frown.

"You can't even _imagine_," Clare said emphatically.

"Still have feelings for him?" Lorenzo asked with a raised eyebrow.

"No," Clare answered at once.

"Good answer, bella, good answer," Lorenzo praised Clare as he parked and walked her to her door.

"Sorry I brought that up," he said apologetically once Clare leaned against the door, looking up at him with sparkly and hopeful eyes.

"Don't worry about it. I just don't like thinking about it, that's all," she justified herself.

"Hm. Well, that's just the good thing – exes are in the past for a reason," Lorenzo confidently said, his face inching closer to Clare as she ever so slightly pulled her body forward and smiled softly at him.

"Exactly, and….this…this is the present," she all but whispered before Lorenzo flashed her a wide grin and bent down and kissed her at once. The kiss was accelerated, passionate, and definitely not a first-date type of kiss by Canadian standards, thought it wouldn't have turned any heads in Italy.

"Woah," Clare breathed as she pulled away, her entire face tomato red.

"Well, don't act so surprised bella, we both knew this is where this was going," Lorenzo smugly said, wondering if Clare would invite him in.

"You live with your family?" he asked and smiled a perfect smile when Clare confirmed.

"Um, thank you for a lovely night," Clare said as she fiddled with her keys.

She never expected Lorenzo to kiss her again, but that he did, even more intensely than the first time.

"Sorry," he apologized. "But one more is never enough," he went on, giving Clare a third kiss as she pushed her body into his.

"What does…this mean?" Clare whispered once she had regained control of her breathing. "Are we…even allowed to date?" she asked, fear in her voice.

"I don't think it's neither encouraged nor disallowed," Lorenzo lied. "But for both of our careers' sake, we should keep it on the down low. It will have to be our little secret when we're on campus," he said, throwing another wink Clare's way.

"Secret, huh?" Clare said as she teasingly pulled on his tie. "I guess we'll have to keep things interesting," she added spiritedly as she placed a chaste peck on his lips before heading inside with many giggles.

The person on the other side of the door, however, was not as amused.

"Clare. What the hell are you doing?" Jake asked, a look of fury etched across his face.

"What?" Clare asked, her entire face flaming when she wondered just how much of that Jake had heard…and seen.

"Who is that guy, Clare? And how old is he? And just why exactly does he want to keep things 'a secret'?" Jake asked incredulously.

"I don't have to answer to you," Clare said as she crossed her arms over her chest. "And if I remember correctly, there is one other guy I've dated who didn't mind keeping things a secret - from our parents," Clare continued in a sarcastic tone.

"Actually, I _did_ mind – if you _also_ remember, I was the one who kept saying we'd have to tell our parents eventually," Jake shot back. He then continued in a gentle tone,

"Clare, you know I look at you as a sister now," as Clare replied with a tiny scoff and a roll of her eyes. Jake just ignored those gestures, however, and continued, "And _any_ guy who is okay with keeping a relationship with you a secret from his friends and the people with who he works with _is not okay with me_," he angrily gritted.

"You're not my keeper, Jake," Clare stubbornly insisted. "And for your information, he's a TA at the university," she added.

"Are you serious?" Jake asked, his eyes widening in surprise. "Awesome, might as well risk your career too," he said sarcastically.

"I'm not risking anything," Clare replied.

"That guy is bad news, Clare," Jake deadpanned.

"How would _you _know?" Clare shot back.

"Because I know guys," Jake replied.

"You don't know _anything _about Lorenzo. He's kind, and funny, and smart, and he always knows the right thing to say to me –"she started, before Jake bitterly laughed and said,

"Oh, _I bet_ he does," with perfect calm.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Clare asked in fury.

"_Of course_ he knows what to say to you, Clare! Take it from a guy who knows, guys can tell what a girl needs to hear – English TAs or not," Jake pointed out.

"This is none of your business," Clare said as she approached Jake and flashed him a death glare. "Why can't you just be happy for me?" she asked.

"It _is_ my business because as your brother, it's _my_ job to protect you," Jake said, and he saw Clare's entire body shake with fury and he wondered what he had said wrong.

"I'm only going to tell you this once - stay out of my business Jake," Clare said in a tone so stinging that Jake just shook his head in response at Clare and said,

"Well, fine – but don't say I didn't warn you. Don't you come crying to me when that guy breaks your heart once your secret's no longer fun to keep!".

Jake wondered if Clare heard the end of his sentence over the sound of her slamming door.

XXXXXXXXXXX **–The next morning-**

Clare dreaded what she had to do next. She knew it was no longer September 4th, but she thought she at least owed him a voicemail if he was already on the plane.

She scrolled down to his name in her contacts, instantly being plagued by guilt. Eli…had done a lot for her in switching their teaching positions, and…she had even completely forgotten about her dinner promise until last night…when it was already 10pm by the time that she had remembered. She had been…a little distracted.

"Hey," Clare all of a sudden heard at the other end of the line. She never expected him to pick up! But that was…his voice, she knew at once, as she exhaled deeply. You could hear a lot of background noise, Clare remarked with a frown.

"Eli! It's me, Clare," she said softly.

"I know. Caller ID," Eli replied. "What's up?" he asked, and Clare hated the tone of nonchalance in his voice.

"I just…called about dinner," she started.

"Oh, don't worry about that, Clare. It doesn't matter; I know you were just being nice. I didn't actually expect us to have dinner. Besides, I'm in the airport about to catch a flight to Vancouver. Classes start tomorrow," she heard Eli say, and she wondered why her heart was beating so fast when she heard him say those words as if he was saying he was just heading out to the comic book store and he would be back in ten minutes.

"I…am going to class in a few hours. UBC doesn't start today?" Clare asked in confusion.

"No, apparently they do something called Imagine Day the first day every year, like a big orientation program or something – those west coast slackers," Eli playfully answered, and Clare hated everything about this phone call. She could…almost feel Eli put up a wall the size and length of the infamous one that human behaviour at its worst had erected in Berlin.

"Don't you need to be there for orientation? It's a whole new school for you, and it's just as huge as U of T," Clare pointed out.

"Yeah, I'm not so keen on being a froshee all over again, thought I'd skip that whole experience," Eli said with a laugh, not adding that by flying a day late, he was able to save two hundred dollars due to Air Canada's infamous pricing policies, even if that had been a major factor in his decision-making process.

He then added, "I'll be fine, Clare. I'll get a map. I have plenty of time".

"Do you have a place to live?" Clare then asked.

"Yeah, found an apartment off campus," Eli replied.

"That's good, Eli," she responded.

"Yep, it is good," he said, and both of them felt the awkwardness invade the phone call that Eli wondered why Clare even made.

"Yeah, it's…good," Clare said in a soft voice. "Eli?" she then asked.

"I'm really sorry about dinner. Things just happened so fast, and before I knew it, it was yesterday, and then –" Clare began, but Eli gently interrupted her.

"You don't have to explain. You don't owe me anything, Clare," he said, a little too much emotion in his voice for Clare to think that he was only referring to dinner.

"Eli, I…" Clare began, not knowing what to say to him, but not wanting to end things on this note.

"Good luck with the start of the year, Clare. Hope you like the program. You'll rock it, I'm sure. Now I have to go, I need to head to security and stuff, need to turn off my phone," Eli said.

"Oh. Okay. Good luck, Eli," Clare awkwardly stumbled, and she heard him sigh heavily when he heard those words, not knowing that their last moment at Degrassi was flashing through his mind. _Those same damn words_. Eli _hated_ them.

"Thanks. Hope your year is amazing, Clare," Eli replied.

"Wait! Are you coming home for Christmas?" Clare asked, her heart getting ahead of her mind.

"I think I'll be in Hamilton for the break – my aunt, she's going to have her baby girl by then, and I'd like to see her," Eli answered, and then he reluctantly added, "But maybe I'll come up to Toronto for a few days or so".

"Can we do dinner then?" Clare asked, not sure what impulse was making her do this.

"Um, maybe. I don't know. Maybe," Eli softly replied.

"What?" Clare asked in confusion, not used to such hesitancy from the boy who she was speaking to.

"Okay, yeah, we can do dinner then," Eli gave in.

"Thank you. Have a safe flight," Clare replied.

"All right. Rock the socks off the U of T program for me," Eli said playfully, his heart leaping when he heard Clare giggle in response.

That was his favourite sound in the world.


	4. Into the Fire

XXXXXXXXXXX

_Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. We are now beginning our descent towards Vancouver International Airport. We are just ten to fifteen minutes away from landing. As you can tell, it's a beautiful sunny day here in Vancouver – the temperature is twenty-two degrees. If you are transferring to the United States, please head to any of the display monitors throughout YVR to check the departure gate of your next flight. If Vancouver is your final destination this afternoon – welcome home. Thank you for flying with Air Canada and we hope to see you in the skies again soon. _

Well, _home_ for the next year anyway, Eli thought to himself as he adjusted his seat and put his tray table away. The man sitting beside him had turned out to be a pretty funny guy, who had drunk eight little bottles of airplane-issued wine, playfully making excuses for the flight attendant every time he would ask for a new one. Eli was surprised that she had been so patient and amused by this action on his part, but then right around the third bottle or so he had explained that he used to be a writer for the X-files. Eli then noticed that on the sleeve of the man's black fleece jacket, 'Canadian Film Crew' was embroidered, and he reasoned that he was a cool dude who worked in film – Vancouver was famous for its film industry after all; a lot of crews chose to head up to Canada not only because it was beautiful, but also because it was a lot cheaper to film there. Besides, Vancouver could easily pass for Seattle or any part of Oregon any day – or really any part of the west coast. Eli figured that this was a pretty good start – at least the city seemed to be exciting, because as he looked down from the window it sure as heck looked like this place was in the middle of the boonies – the airport was actually its own island – it was called Sea Island, as Eli's seat buddy pointed out to him, and even the city looked absolutely drowned by the forest. It was all so…colonial, almost like something out a movie.

The feeling didn't change as Eli drowsily walked through the airport – it was really different from Toronto's industrial and utilitarian Pearson International – for one thing, it was all carpeted, and it felt nice and soft with every step, and his bag rolled easily along as he got his ID checked and customs officers waved him through systematically. The airport also had a lot of First Nations west coast art and even…a huge waterfall in between the main two escalators that led him to transit. It was a really artistic airport, and Eli liked that, but at the same time it was a little eerie…all those jokes about the west coast that Torontonians frequently used were obviously more than a joke; it _was_ rather different here, and he could tell after just a few minutes.

It all made him want to get to his apartment and start classes as soon as possible. Those couldn't be that different…right? Eli shook those thoughts out of his mind as he followed the transit signs marked 'Canada Line'; he had read on the plane that this would be fastest way to get to the UBC campus. He walked through the above ground level corridor, paid the $3.50 fare at a ticket machine, and then waited five minutes for the train to arrive. It soon did and Eli noticed that it was nice and new – the entire transit line had been built for Vancouver's 2010 Winter Olympics, he figured, since it was named after the entire country and had little Olympic circle logos in the corner of each window – and pretty much everyone who got on had some type of luggage with him or her.

Eli wished that he could slide his earbuds into his ears, but he knew that he should stay alert and make sure not to miss his stop; he knew he had to get off at Broadway station and then hop onto a UBC express bus; he had read that its number would be 99. Then he would have to get off at the station before campus and find the apartment building that would be his home for the next year. Living just one express bus stop away from campus was apparently good enough from what he had read online, and apparently many UBC students lived in the Kits neighbourhood. When he had talked to his future landlord on the phone, one of the first questions the man had asked Eli was if he was a UBC student, and he then proceeded to tell Eli that every single one of his tenants also was a student at the university, and explained that he usually didn't take undergrads, as they were so noisy and undisciplined.

He then proceeded to tell Eli that he had made a special exception for him as he saw that he was studying for joint B.A./M.A. program and also sternly told Eli he didn't expect any trouble from him. Eli assured him everything would be fine with perfect confidence as he imagined spending most of his time in Vancouver on his own; he knew he'd have a lot of work to do for school in this new program, and he also desperately hoped to be able to find some type of a job. He could always try the UBC Bookstore, but he knew that the U of T one liked to hire its staff two weeks before the start of classes, and he reasoned UBC would have a similar policy and that that ship would have sailed. He had no idea what kind of places would be hiring because he didn't know the campus at all, but he hoped that by tomorrow, he would have some idea of at least where to look – some type of website database or something of the sort.

His mind was swirling through these thoughts as the robotic voice filled the cabin of the train with the announcement of every station _Bridgeport…Marine Drive…49__th__ avenue…41__st__ avenue…King Edward...Broadway. _

Eli jolted at the announcement, and quickly walked through the doors, noticing that everyone else who had gotten off at the same station was of his age – he took this as a good sign; obviously there would be a lot of students headed to UBC today, just like him. He wasn't alone, he repeated to himself. All these kids, they're all headed to the same place and they are on their own too. I'll be fine, Eli thought. Just get home first. He simply followed the crowd out of the station; they were obviously also UBC students and they seemed a lot confident of the way they were going than Eli was, so he just let them lead the way. Sure enough, just a few minutes later, he found himself at the 99B-Line stop. Eli was happy to see that it was nice and sunny and warm outside; another positive about Vancouver was that it was so much warmer than Toronto. He had read that it hardly snowed in Vancouver, and that the temperature never got to the -20oC that was a regular in the Toronto winter. Apparently the coldest it ever got was about -7oC, and Eli liked that; he had only brought his leather jacket and he hoped it would be good enough. After a few more minutes, he saw the bright orange display on top of a long bus spelling out UBC, and it hit him for the first time: that was his school now, even if just for the year.

And he knew nothing about it.

He figured that would have to change soon, and he regretted missing Orientation now. He'd have classes tomorrow, and he'd be left completely clueless – and unlike in first year, the profs would expect you to know things by now; it wouldn't be okay to be late all the time. Not to mention, he had to also meet with his supervising prof who would assign his teaching group and training session. He started to feel a little over whelmed with everything as he tried to block out the voice of the woman sitting next to him – she was chatting in Chinese on her phone in a tone of voice that was much too loud for public transit, and it was beginning to give Eli a headache.

He then took a deep breath and felt his body relax; one thing at a time, he repeated to himself, and for now he just had to make sure that he would get off at the right bus stop and find his apartment. The bus flowed through the sunny Vancouver streets, and Eli was pleased to see many music and bookstores in his neighbourhood once he got off. There was also an independent video store with a Hitchcock cut-out out front that Eli reasoned he'd have to stop by pretty soon. Right away he thought Adam would like the store too, but then he shook that thought out of his mind – he'd have to try harder to…be happy. Yet, when the bus was stopped at a red light, so Eli snapped a quick photo of the store and its cut out and sent it to Adam along with a funny line, and Adam replied after a few minutes with a reply that was just as funny and that left Eli softly chuckling to himself.

Fifteen minutes later, Eli was off the bus and holding the little black notebook that he used as an agenda in his hands, open to the last page that he had written on. He had drawn himself a little map and the street names and directions were matching as he walked along the Broadway sidewalk.

_MacDonald, Birch, Fir, Maplewood, Collingwood _– that was the one, Eli remembered, and from there, the apartment building was easy to find. His landlord had been expecting him – they had a pleasant chat, Eli reaffirmed that he would be just as responsible as the grad students that lived in the building, even meeting a few of them as box after box and bag after bag crossed through the hallways, the routine of the new semester being something the landlord saw every September.

As he closed the door behind him, Eli breathed deeply and saw that the apartment looked much like it did in the Craigslist photo; it had a bedroom, a living room and a small kitchen. It was clean and neat and had a nice TV and stylish dark maple furniture and many bookcases, making Eli think that it was a good thing that he had ended up in the confusion of living in a building catered more towards grad students; he knew that undergrad places weren't this nice.

He headed into the bedroom, plopped down on the bed and sent a text to his aunt, just like he had promised he would – he knew she would worry if she didn't hear from him soon, and just as he had predicted, she replied immediately and included many excited exclamation marks in the reply. Eli smiled sadly when he remembered her slightly teary face at the airport, and how careful he had been when hugging her goodbye, taking care not to press into her protruding stomach – it was clearly visible that she was pregnant at this point, and Eli also smiled fondly when he remembered how his uncle would always place his hand on her back when she was stepping down stairs and how he would hold his hand out for her to grab when walking up the stairs. Eli knew that Matt would take good care of his aunt as she headed into the crucial months of her pregnancy and in a moment of weakness, he remembered just how happy Cece had been when her sister had gotten married; Cece had always liked Matt and Eli knew that Cece had hoped his aunt Linda would marry Matt.

After a few more minutes of rest, Eli slowly got up and methodically began unpacking, putting each item away either on the desk or in his closet, the routine and categorization being something he enjoyed – putting everything in its place, watching the apartment become a little more homely with each item, and ending with a series of band poster…it was a process that calmed his worried mind, and at the end of it all, Eli set up his speaker system and the songs of his favourite bands were soon filling the room.

And right away, Eli didn't feel so alone anymore.

_He had wanted to come here_. It was _his _decision, he reminded himself. Vancouver was constantly voted in the top three cities to live in _in the whole entire world_, and UBC was _always_ voted as one of the Top 40 universities _in the world_, for crying out loud, he told himself. So many people would kill to be in his shoes, and he knew he had to try a little harder. He needed to _try_ to be happy; it was a constant, sustained effort – and here he was even more alone than in Toronto; he didn't have Adam or Fiona's frequent visits – she often popped into town as her mom or dad came in on business. He knew things could take a bad turn quickly if he let the negative in him take over.

The good thing, he reminded himself, was that he'd be busy – he'd have a lot of things to do, and with that thought in mind he powered up his laptop, and sure enough a few e-mails were waiting for him. One of them was an encouraging one from Fiona with the names of a few good restaurants and stores in Vancouver – Eli smiled fondly, knowing there wasn't really a chance he'd head there – money and lack of company both being factors – but just the sight of Fiona's name and her thoughtfulness made him feel a bit better. He also logged onto Twitter and he saw a message from Adam poking fun at Vancouver. He sent a quick reply back and he resisted the temptation to take a glance at Clare's profile…he knew he shouldn't.

And he didn't.

He could have a new start here, in Vancouver. He had tried so many times…to move on, to forget about her. And while Eli reasoned that he had achieved the task of moving on, more or less, _forgetting_ about her…he didn't feel like he had made any progress over the past three years at all. So he took a deep breath, hoped that she was happy after her first day at U of T, and he went back to his e-mail, as there had been an important one that he wanted to read.

It was from 'New to UBC,' which sounded important, and the subject tour just said, 'Campus Tour'. Eli assumed he was about to be chastised for missing Orientation, but when he clicked on the message and read it, he was pleasantly surprised.

_Dear Eli Goldsworthy,_

_Our records indicate that you are a third year transfer student from the University of Toronto and we notice that you didn't get a chance to attend IMAGINE DAY, the largest undergraduate orientation program in all of Canada. UBC Orientations recognizes how difficult booking flights in September can be, and as a third-year student, we feel that getting to know campus as soon as possible would be beneficial for you. Therefore, if you are still interested in a campus tour, please write back to this message with your availability and phone number and our staff will try our best to arrange an appointment; all of our tour guides are senior students and perhaps one of their availabilities might match yours. _

_Thank you for your time, _

_Bess Cassidy_

_UBC Student Development Co-ordinator_

_8587 East Mall_

_The University of British Columbia_

Eli was taken aback at the fact that UBC Orientations had figured out that he hadn't had a chance to get a campus tour and that they would extend this offer out to him – the school might have been smaller than U of T, but it followed it most closely in terms of enrolment than any other Canadian university – it had 60 000 students, and even so…they had looked after him. He wrote back quickly, politely thanking them for the offer and saying he would be glad to take them up on it.

_Maybe things here will be easier than I thought_, he thought to himself as he returned to his bed, and it was only a few minutes after that he felt his phone vibrate in the pocket of his jeans, and when he pulled it out he saw that his phone didn't recognize the number, but he recognized the prefix himself; 604 was his new area code now, and he had noticed that every phone number belonging to UBC started with 604 - 822.

"Hello?" he said, realizing that his voice sounded a little tired.

"Hi, is this Eli Goldsworthy?" a cheery, girlish voice asked at the other end.

"Yes…" Eli asked as he raised an eyebrow.

"Excellent. Hi, Eli – my name is Arizona Calloway and I'm from UBC Orientations. I'm just in the office here, answering e-mails and yours just came through. I'm calling to set up a time for a tour – classes start tomorrow, and it'd be best for you if we could do it as soon as possible," the pleasant voice continued.

Eli was surprised at the efficiency of this entire process – it was, after all, kind of his fault that he had missed Orientation, and they were being so nice to him.

"Oh, wow, people in Toronto sure are wrong about 'west coast slacking,'" Eli said playfully, and he was relieved when he heard the girl at the other end of the phone giggle. Eli had caught onto the fact that she was a student too; she definitely didn't sound old enough to be a university administrator or staff member.

"Uh oh – don't you start with that Toronto superiority complex – you're in my town now," Arizona said cheerfully, "When I dialled your phone number and saw the Toronto area code, I knew we were in trouble – you Toronto folk are always so resistant. Vancouver isn't so bad, you'll like it, I bet. And UBC is great, that I promise you," Arizona said in a comforting voice, as she was so used to saying to every student that was put in her care.

"This is so nice of you guys," Eli said honestly. "I really appreciate it".

"No transfer student gets left behind," Arizona said in a professional tone, and she then continued, "And pulling up your file here, Eli, my boss noticed that you are in the same program as me – so I'd be happy to do your tour and if you bring your schedule I can show you your classes too," she said in a warm tone, because the girl so loved helping new students to the school that she wholeheartedly adored.

"You don't have to do that, I'm sure you'll have plenty of things to point out to everyone else," Eli replied.

"Bring it just in case, though," Arizona insisted.

"So you're doing the combined B.A./M.A. program too? Are you from Vancouver?" Eli asked, the confusion of students moving around for the program getting to him.

"Of course – don't think you'd want another transfer student doing your tour," Arizona replied with a laugh.

"Oh, of course – sorry," Eli said, yawning a little at the end of his sentence.

"Okay, I can tell you're tired, so let's just set up a time so I can let you go. We're on a set timetable in our program, so your schedule and mine are the same, and I just have an early morning shift tomorrow, so I'm free at…starting at 10," Arizona said thoughtfully as she studied her planner in the UBC Orientations office.

"10 would be perfect. Where should I meet you?" Eli asked as he pulled out a campus map.

"Well, where are you coming from?" Arizona continued, knowing Eli was new and that he wouldn't know anything about the UBC campus.

"I got a place in Kits, so I think – correct me if I'm wrong – that I'll be coming in on the 99 to the bus loop," Eli slowly said as he reasoned the commute in his mind.

"That's perfect – you've got it. I'll wait for you just across from the bus loop, okay? By the large campus map there – I'll be wearing a hoodie with the words 'I AM UBC' on it, can't miss me. I'll text you my cell number just in case," Arizona said, efficiency flooding her voice.

"Perfect. Thanks so much," Eli honestly said.

"Of course. Make sure you bring any questions you have, okay? I have to call a few more students, but I'll see you tomorrow, okay?" she asked.

"See you then. Thanks again," Eli replied right before hanging up.

Well, he already felt a little bit better, he reflected as he got his things straightened for class the next day – he didn't have class until two pm, and he figured the campus tour would be about an hour or so, so he made sure to pack a couple of novels that he was working on. Having booked the campus tour, he already felt a little bit better, and…he realized that he was excited to see UBC.

The last thought that entered his mind before he drifted off to sleep that night was that…he wished that his mom and dad could have at least seen the UBC campus once. Eli never would have guessed how much his life would change when he was about fourteen or so. Everything seemed so simple then, so perfect. He never would have guessed things would have turned out like this…Julia dead…his parents dead…him being in Vancouver…none of this was what he had ever expected to do. As he rolled over and a tear escaped his eye, he could almost…_imagine_ Julia's shiny black hair against the contrast of the white pillow, and how she always hated having it in her face and the way in which he'd brush it out of her face and she'd giggle and stare in his eyes as if she could see right through him.

_I always thought I would only love one girl all my life; just like dad. But then…she died; because of me. And when I met Clare, it didn't take long for me to realize that…I loved her. So much; so deeply that it scared me; I thought you were only supposed to love one girl all of your life, but…there was no denying it. _

_But what I didn't realize what that deep down inside, Clare knew. She's a smart girl; she knew that I wasn't right for her. And after Julia's death, I knew something too. I knew I'd be better off alone after that. I knew, but then I let myself get carried away by my happiness when I met Clare. But deep down inside, I knew. I knew I'd be better off alone. It's easier to be alone…because what if you find love…and you like how that makes you feel? You start to lean on it? And then it falls apart? Can you even survive that kind of pain? Losing something you care for so deeply could even be compared to death. The only difference is, death ends; this, what I feel right now…this could go on to consume me forever. _

XXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"Hey. You Eli?" a pretty girl with light blonde hair that shined in the playful Vancouver sun asked him as she flashed him a genuine smile. She was standing right by the large campus map, as she had promised, a clipboard and her cellphone in her hand. Eli noticed that her iPhone cover was pink and bejewelled, with the sign of an anchor on it, and her nails were also painted a soft pink.

If Eli could choose a word to describe her it would be…_very _west coast. He had been able to tell on the phone that the girl loved her city, and he didn't want to say anything to offend her, because Eli rather liked the relaxed west coast style. She was wearing a pair of funky patterned black tights over a navy dress with small, delicate flowers all over it. She had on a large, flowing green scarf, a light navy hoodie with the writing 'I AM UBC' across it. It matched her brown cowboy leather boots, and she also had on pink large glasses. Her blonde hair was loose, and just like most of the girls on the west coast, she wore very little make up; just a bit of black eyeliner, pink lip-gloss, and a touch of bronzer that shined in the soft morning sun.

"Guilty as charged," Eli responded. "Arizona?" he confirmed.

"You bet. Well, welcome to UBC – this is exciting!" Arizona cheerfully exclaimed, "and now that I've found you, I don't need the extra stares from people on campus, so I'm going to take this off," she said as she slipped off her 'I AM UBC' hoodie and traded it for a light brown leather jacket, throwing the hoodie in a large leather purse that matched her boots.

"So how many other people are we waiting for?" Eli asked as he inserted his hands into his pant pockets.

"Just you, that's it," Arizona responded with a soft smile, taking her sunglasses off and pushing her bangs back with them and revealing her green eyes to Eli. Her hair was thin, but incredibly light – almost platinum blonde and it fell sleek and straight across her forehead and it was shoulder-length, today being one of the few days that it wasn't up in a ponytail; she was a rather busy girl whose days composed of running from class to work and volunteer commitments.

"What? Just me? You don't have to do this then, I'm sure you've got other things to do," Eli kindly offered, feeling a little embarrassed and being deathly afraid of being perceived as…needy.

"Don't be silly, it's my job – and I love it. I kind of have a thing for this campus, all my friends make fun of me for it – they've had enough of random UBC trivia and stories. I just really like giving campus tours, and besides – you're in my program. English majors have to unite," Arizona said with a warm smile. "Did you bring your schedule?" she continued.

"I did actually," Eli replied as he pulled out a piece of paper with all the necessary information on it.

"Perfect," Arizona said as she studied it. "You're a year older than me, actually – I'm in second year, but I can see here that we do share two classes – British Studies and American Lit," she continued, looking so genuinely excited that Eli smiled back. She had an infectious energy, and it did wonders to calm Eli's slightly rattled nerves.

"Cool," he replied.

"Okay, shall we?" Arizona asked as she gestured towards the campus, and Eli replied, "After you," and within minutes, Arizona was listing off trivia and history about UBC and Vancouver in general, and being very patient with Eli as she pointed out all of the different buildings and services on the UBC campus.

Eli realized how glad he was that he had signed up for a campus tour – he was sure that without Arizona's help, even after his year at UBC would have come to an end, he still wouldn't have learned all of the things she was saying. Eli noticed that she was also including a lot of information about Vancouver, and he was really grateful for that.

Once they reached the end of the tour, Arizona adjusted her bag on her shoulder, flashed Eli a smile and said, "Okay, now let's go through your schedule and make sure you know where those classes are – I'll walk you to them".

"You really don't have to do that –" Eli started, but Arizona cut him off gently with a wave of her hand.

"Eli, come on – you're in my program – you're my friend. You're new here, and this campus is huge. It's the least I can do," she kindly said as she gestured for Eli to hand her his schedule again, and he obliged with a smirk that Arizona found rather amusing.

"Friend?" Eli asked before he could control himself, surprised that the girl extended that offer so quickly. It was rather obvious that she was very outgoing and kind, but it was more than Eli had expected.

"Yeah. Well, if you want to be, obviously," she absent-mindedly answered, her mind mostly engrossed in figuring out the best route to navigate Eli through so he could be familiar with the buildings his classes would be held in.

"I do," Eli answered honestly. "Damn, Toronto people sure are wrong about Vancouver," Eli continued playfully as Arizona led the way.

"Ugh, don't get me started. I've never actually been to Toronto – strangely enough I've been to Ottawa and Montreal for a few conferences, but never Toronto – but I get a lot of students for tours from there, and I can't begin to tell you what a nice time I've had with you – no comments about how U of T has so many more of this and that, and how at U of T the university is downtown and not out so far from the town, and how Toronto is the centre of the universe," Arizona answered with a frown as Eli just laughed in return.

"It's like… sometimes I just want to ask them...if you like Toronto so much…._why_ are you here?" Arizona answered as a sincere look of puzzlement crossed her face and Eli shook his head playfully at her.

"I take it you like Vancouver?" Eli sarcastically said, that observation being rather obvious since the very first few minutes that he had spent with Arizona.

"You bet. _Born and raised, baby_ – but I just think it's just a great city all around," Arizona said as she then began talking about the main complex of Arts buildings and showed Eli the rooms that would contain his first three classes.

Their conversation drifted in and out of how excited but slightly weary they both were of their new program, of UBC and Vancouver history, and soon Arizona asked Eli,

"So, you excited to be here?" as they were nearing the end of their tour.

"I am. It was my choice, me coming here," Eli answered.

"That's great, Eli," Arizona softly said as they walked by a series of totem poles by the main administration building. "Where are you living? Did you win the campus lottery or are you off-campus?" she asked.

"I'm in Kits," Eli replied, knowing she would recognize the name of the neighbourhood.

"I live there too – it's full of UBC students," Arizona replied with a soft smile. "I'm from West Vancouver, as in, that's where my parents still live," she clarified, "and the commute is just too long, so I got an apartment in Kits," she explained.

"But…isn't _this_ West Vancouver?" Eli asked as a look of confusion stretched across his face, making Arizona giggle.

"I know, it's really confusing. There's the west _of_ Vancouver – where we are now; it's anything west of Granville Street and UBC obviously – then we have the west _end_ – that's the west part of downtown – and then there's _West Vancouver_, which is a separate city in itself, and that's over one arm of the Fraser River – that's where I'm from and where my parents live," Arizona explained as she saw Eli shake his head and say,

"That's _so_ confusing," which only made her giggle more.

"It's okay – you'll get it – and besides, you don't even really need to know that. I believe you now know everything you need to," Arizona said, as she had by now pointed out everything that Eli could possibly need to know about and even walked with him to the Verizon wireless store on campus and waited as Eli had his number changed from a 416 one to a 604 one, teasing him that he was now officially a 'Vancouverite'.

"Do you have any questions about anything that we didn't cover?" Arizona asked with another smile as she brushed back her blonde bangs out of her face and her cowboy boots made a regular noise against the pavement as she led Eli to a coffee shop that he had said he'd probably kill some time in, just reading and chilling, until his first class – one that Arizona was not in.

"I was actually wondering if you know a campus website or something where I could look for a job," Eli asked, by now being correctly convinced that the girl in front of him knew everything anyone could about the campus, and that really would be no better – or friendlier – resource.

"There is a website that all of the on-campus jobs get posted at; it's called CareersOnline. What kind of work are you looking for?" Arizona asked him.

"Well, back at U of T I worked at the bookstore. Do you happen to know if they're hiring?" Eli inquired.

Arizona gave him a small frown in response as she said, "Doubt it. They like to have all of their staff hired by this point - they bring them in about two weeks early so they can get through the crazy mad rush okay – you saw how nuts it was in there," Arizona continued, as she had also patiently helped Eli find his course books, and waited with him in the extremely long line, despite Eli's objections that he could always come back on his own – she had told him that it was really not a problem, that since they were there already, they should just get it done. Eli sensed that Arizona had a bit of a type-A personality, very organized and hardworking, and very much in charge, so he had just reasoned that listening to her on her turf was perhaps not such a bad thing to do.

"That's how it goes at U of T too," Eli helplessly said. "Is it like that with all the jobs here, they're all pretty much filled by now?" Eli asked, desperately hoping that wouldn't be some sort of major difference between U of T and UBC.

"Oh no, don't worry," Arizona said in a very reassuring tone, "this is the time when everyone starts searching – but it's a bit of a feeding frenzy, so you do want to be on top of your game. My boss is hiring, you know," she added, as she had been able to tell that Eli was a smart and nice guy.

"Yeah…I don't think giving campus tours is really my style," Eli replied with a raised eyebrow as he held the door to the coffee shop open for Arizona.

"Oh – sorry," she said, realizing at once that she had been really confusing in her phrasing. "I didn't mean working for Orientations – I meant my other job – I work at the Writing Centre here on campus, just as a writing tutor. Every year my boss Dana hires about thirty students, all from English, or Education, or Law usually – and we work ten hours per week. It's a WorkStudy position – they have something like that at U of T don't they? WorkStudy?" Arizona asked as she stood next to Eli in line.

"Yeah, we have WorkStudy too. But that sounds like a good gig – what exactly do you _do_ though?" Eli asked.

"Basically, students bring us papers and other assignments and we give them advice – we can't edit of proofread, but we can go through a section of their paper with them and point out the mistakes they are making, or sometimes they need help putting together a thesis, or some even bring resumes and cover letters for us to look over. And if we have grad students – which we often do – then we _do_ proofread their theses, and often they will be from science or engineering, so they just sit with us as we proofread, because we have questions about the content. It's a great job – I love it. You get to work with students, you get to read a lot of neat papers from all disciplines, and students are always so grateful for the help – I worked there only in the last semester of last year, but I was hired on again for the year," Arizona specified.

"Isn't it crazy, working two jobs?" Eli asked curiously.

"Orientations is more of a summer gig," Arizona explained, "A lot of my work for that is over after Imagine Day – just a few straggler students to tour around by this point," she playfully teased, narrowing her eyes at Eli as he raised his hands in a defensive gesture and laughed before specifying,

"Hey – not my fault Air Canada thinks there's a two hundred dollar difference in the exact same flight from one day to the next," he justified.

"I know, that's so stupid. Air Canada really is an embarrassment to Canadians," Arizona responded with a laugh.

"Don't worry about it, I love tour guiding, and I've never gotten to do such a personalized tour. It's been great. But from now until February, a lot of my work on Orientations is put on hold, and I work for the Writing Centre. I think Dana would hire you, you know – you're in third year and a strong writer if you're in the B.A./M.A. program. I bet she'd consider you a valuable hire – and you have work experience at the bookstore too. Want me to ask her?" Arizona offered with a smile.

"We could go see her right now. Do you have a resume with you?" she continued, and Eli widened her eyes in response.

"Seriously? I mean, yeah, I have a resume in my bag; I have some other summer writing experience too, but…really? We could go see her now?" he asked, thinking that perhaps the stereotype about Vancouverites being so relaxed and friendly was indeed correct.

He knew that the job that Arizona was talking about was a step up from working at the bookstore – it was related to his major, and to writing. Eli knew that if he managed to secure a position with the Writing Centre, it would be a very good thing – especially as she was considering going for his PhD after he'd finish the B.A./M.A. program…the Writing Centre was the most related thing you could do on campus to teaching other university students about writing.

"Yeah, why not? It's best to see her early when you're trying to get hired, and she has been in a bit of a panic lately, actually – there was some type of problem with the job posting system this year and she is a little worried about how long it will take her to find the appropriate number of tutors for the year. She likes to take her time in picking the right people; my interview was an hour long, and she does a two and half hour orientation one on one with each of us. And then there's a tutors' course that runs on Thursday afternoons for the first six weeks, because a lot of us know how to write well, but there's a lot of ESL students at UBC and often we have never studied the rules of grammar explicitly. We can't just say, 'It's like this because it's the way it is' or because 'it sounds good,' so the tutors' course kind of gives you everything you need to know. But that's getting a little ahead of ourselves. Wanna go see Dana? I can take you there, it's not far, and it's actually in a really nice area of campus, very forest-y and 'typically west coast' as you Torontonians would put it," Arizona said as the coffee line moved forward and they were up for ordering.

"If you let me buy you a coffee first," Eli softly said, starting to feel a little bad that he was taking up so much of Arizona's time and that she was doing so much for him when he really couldn't do anything for her in return.

"You don't have to do that," Arizona said, and Eli saw her pull out a soft brown leather wallet.

"Please," he said, placing his hand over hers so he could stop her pulling out a credit card, "It's the least I can do. You've helped me so much. I honestly would have never learned all of this stuff without you," Eli said.

"Well, all right – but I owe you one," she replied as she gave him a smile accompanied by slightly red cheeks – Arizona had a number of freckles on her face that were made all the more prominent in the summer, and Eli found them even more highlighted by her blush.

He knew that had _any other_ guy been in his place, he would have put the moves on the pretty, friendly, and incredibly kind-hearted girl in front of him at once.

XXXXXXXXXXX

"How do you know Arizona?" Eli watched the older, soft-spoken lady ask as she sat across from him in her softly lit office. It was full of writing manuals, course books, and it had many plants. Dana was a retired professor who now spent her time running the Writing Centre, and she reminded Eli so much of a…really active grandma. Her white hair was neatly tied back in a bun, but Eli quickly saw that she was really agile and rather fierce; she had scanned his resume really quickly, and her desk was fully of neatly organized folders.

"I actually just met her today – she was my campus tour guide," Eli answered honestly, a little nervous. This was all happening so fast, and he was left a little off-guard. He just…really wanted the job; he knew it would a give him a boost of confidence that he really needed about now.

"Oh, of course – she really likes those campus tours," Dana said with a smile. "She was the youngest student I ever hired – I only generally like to hire third year students and older, but she was the student of a professor who has been a colleague of mine for a long time, and she came with the highest recommendations. Very hard-working and committed girl, does so much all at the same time. You're lucky you got her as your guide, I bet she spent so much time making you feel at home," Dana said with a soft smile, as she was rather fond of her tutors, and especially of Arizona.

"She really did. I know I'm lucky," Eli honestly voiced his opinion.

"Well, good. So you are in the same program as Arizona, the new combined B.A./M.A – that's fantastic, Eli. We tried to get a program like that off the ground for a long time while I was still teaching, you know. Never could quite make it happen, so I'm glad to hear it all finally came together. And you're here just for the year?" Dana asked.

"I think so, ma'am, but apparently I will have the option to stay if I want to," Eli specified.

"Do you think you'd do that?" Dana pursued.

"I don't know – I just don't have enough information at this point to tell – I like a lot of my professors at U of T, and that's always been home to me…but I have just recently learned that…you can't always plan life the way you want to. Sometimes you just have to wait and do the best with what you've got," Eli answered, and Dana's experience in working with young people made her detect the softness in his tone and the way he cast his eyes at the floor at once. She wondered what had happened to the young man that made him speak so…beyond his age, but she didn't want to ask. Not yet, anyway.

"Eli – your resume is very strong," she rather chose to say in an encouraging tone. "You are obviously a very strong writer, not only by the fact that you were accepted to the special program, but also by the fact that you also plan to add a Creative Writing major to it," Dana continued as Eli nodded, "and your GPA is strong. You have amazing work experience for someone your age – not only getting three separate stories published – the first of which at seventeen, I see," Dana said, wondering why the boy flinched so when she mentioned that.

She then added, "I usually like my tutors to have some sort of actual tutoring or coaching experience," and she saw Eli's eyes shine with a bit of worry, so she quickly made her point, "But your summer job – that's amazing, Eli. Tells me everything I need to know about how well you work in a team. So, I'd like to offer you a position, of course, before anyone else snatches you up," Dana warmly said, and she saw a slow smirk spread across the boy's face, and just like that, his entire face lit up.

"Wow. That's amazing. I'd be honoured. Thank you so much, Dana. I'm really excited to start. I really like writing, and…it's been so long since I've gotten to work editing and talking to other students about writing," Dana saw Eli shyly admit.

"I'm excited for you to start too, Eli. Now, we need to schedule your orientation ASAP – I like to do those on an individual basis," Dana specified and Eli nodded in confirmation, pleased that amid a day of all new information, at least one fact was repeating – Arizona had already explained to him about how Dana liked to do that.

"Are you free tomorrow morning?" Dana asked.

"Yes, I don't start classes until 1," Eli answered.

"How about 9:30 -11:00? Does that work?" Dana pursued as she studied her calendar.

"It's perfect," Eli declared, and just like that, he was assigned his weekly ten hours for the semester – Dana had worked around his class schedule, asking Eli when he preferred to work once those had been out of the way. She then handed a training manual that he was to read overnight, and a set of course notes that would be used for the six-week tutor course that Arizona had also told him about.

He was just walking out of Dana's office when he saw Arizona walking a student that she had obviously just been tutoring out of the building; when Arizona had brought him to the Writing Centre, she had told Dana that since she was already here, she might as well put in a couple of hours, and Eli had noticed that Dana had been very grateful for Arizona's help and called her 'dear' over and over again.

Eli looked at the softness in Dana's eyes as she addressed Arizona and wondered if Arizona was perhaps…sick or something of the sort – by the way Dana was so gentle with her. It made him sad at once – the thought of something troubling Arizona, as she seemed so full of life and energetic, but…there was just something about Dana's way of interacting with the girl that told Eli that perhaps gave Dana the impression that Arizona needed…comfort.

"How did it go?" Arizona asked Eli in a gentle tone.

"I got it," Eli said, a little incredulously – things were so…good here. Just 24 hours ago, he had been stressing out about finding his classes, and now he was sure he knew more about UBC than definitely most first years and probably all other transfer students, he had been worrying about not being able to find a job, and now, here he was, officially employed in the job that was absolutely perfect for his major and future plans.

"I knew you would, but that's amazing still. Congrats, Eli," Arizona said with a smile as they walked out of the Writing Centre building and back towards main campus. It was still sunny outside, and there was a pleasant breeze blowing across the entire campus.

Arizona was pleasantly chatting, "It's a great job – pays well, and it's interesting, and Dana is so sweet," as Eli was studying the sight in front of him. They had now reached the main plaza of the University, and on one side was the university's oldest library, while its newest one was on the other. All around, there were so many trees and plants from all over the world that could thrive in the Pacific Northwest climate. Students were shuffling back and forth at a brisk pace, the clock tower rang with a cheerful melody, and…in the nearby distance you could see the mountains cradling the ocean; the university was literally right next to the ocean.

Arizona saw that Eli was looking ahead at the flagpole and the view of the mountains and the ocean and she softly said, "It's your typical sunny day here on the west coast – and God, I love it when you can see the mountains like that".

"And the ocean," Eli added. "Now _that_ you don't see in Toronto," and Arizona giggled in response, pleased to see her beloved Vancouver emerge victorious.

Eli then asked, "It doesn't get cold here much, does it?"

"Won't get any colder than like, -6/-7oC, and even then, that'll be a bad day. If we get even a few centimetres of snow, the city completely freaks out – roads shut down, the electricity on campus goes out – if there's one thing Vancouver just cannot handle, it's snow, so it's a good thing it only lasts just a few days each year. It rains a lot though, so make sure you always carry an umbrella around with you. We might be getting sunny days now, but it won't be this way for long," Arizona warned.

"It doesn't sound so bad," Eli said.

"It's not," Arizona confirmed. "You off to class now?" she asked.

"Yes – and I know exactly where it is, too," Eli said with a smirk and a smug smile as Arizona playfully rolled her eyes at him.

"I'm glad you do – gotta get you Torontonians to see Vancouver isn't so bad after all. We're a progressive city – more than just beautiful landscapes – we've got a cool film industry going here. The X-Files, The Butterfly Effect, Terminator, Mission Impossible – just a few of the films that were filmed here, and on campus too," Arizona said, giggling as she added, "And of course – the Twilight movies," but her smile dropped as soon as she saw Eli look to the side and stick his hands in the pockets of his leather jacket.

"I'm sorry. Did I…say something wrong?" she gently asked, detecting the change in Eli's mood.

"No, no, of course, not. Sorry. Yeah, Vancouver is a cool city, I've always known that," Eli said with a small smirk.

"That it is indeed, and I hope you'll like it here, Eli, it's a great school. And the city is just generally fun – got a cool music scene too – my dad works in music production. All the good shows always come to Vancouver, sometimes for two nights, and we have a huge number of good indie bands, plus some really famous ones too. My favourite band Headwater is actually from Vancouver, and tons of others: Jim Vallance, Front Line Assembly, Animal Slaves, Matthew Good, The New Pornographers, Mother Mother, Hey Ocean!, Said the Whale, and of course, probably the most famous of all –"

"Bryan Adams," Eli finished with an amused smirk. "So, you're a girl who knows her music," he noted.

Arizona laughed softly and said, "Like I said, my dad works in the industry. A life without music is a sad existence. I don't really play or anything like that; I just love it. Dance is more my thing; I teach a class to little girls," Arizona explained.

"You must be so busy," Eli absent mindedly remarked, and it was now his turn to feel like he had done something wrong, as Arizona now flinched and looked down for just the slightest second and paused before she said, "No, I'm not. I just…like doing things," as she shrugged her shoulders.

"Do you have class now too?" Eli asked, wanting to make her feel a bit more comfortable again.

"In an hour, I'm going to head into the library and do some reading," Arizona answered. "See you in class and around at work," she added with an energetic smile.

"Yeah, that's right," Eli said as he gave her a small wave. As she began walking away, Eli caught another glance of the amazing ocean and mountain view that was just a few feet away from him, and he softly asked,

"Hey, Arizona?" causing the girl to turn around and flash him an inquiring look.

"Thanks so much for all your help," he said one more time, and then he added simply what he felt in that minute. "You know – I'm really glad I met you," casting her a warm look.


	5. Heart of the World

"So if you just sign here, that would be perfect," Eli told the shy first year Japanese girl who he was tutoring after he explained the tutoring contract that all new students signed, just stating that they understood that tutors couldn't do their homework for them . Now one month into the job and into classes, Eli had found a good balance between school, work, and getting adjusted to life in a now-permanently rainy Vancouver.

Tutoring at the Writing Centre was a fantastic job; Eli enjoyed it much more than working at the U of T bookstore. Between the three days of shifts and the tutor training course taught by a professor who also led one of Eli's seminars and who recognized Eli at once, he had also gotten to know the other twenty or so tutors. Just like Arizona had told him, most of them were senior students from English Lit, or students from the faculties of Education or Law. They were all the type of people that Eli enjoyed interacting with; intelligent and funny, and all of them enjoyed their job.

"Is there anything in particular that you want to work on today?" Eli asked the girl, whose name he had learned to be Mayumi, and she shyly pulled out the draft of a paper and after a little more coaxing from Eli – he had been warned about different cultural types if interactions that would arise from UBC's international nature and it was clear that the girl found him a little intimidating – she asked him to check her thesis especially. He did so and after tweaking it a little along with this student, Eli also checked over her entire paper and corrected a little more than tutors were supposed to technically – this was a bit of a weakness of his; the students that came to the Writing Centre were all so grateful to receive help – a lot of them being international students – and the girl in front of him was almost shaking like a leaf. Eli couldn't help but want to help her as much as possible, so he did.

Eli knew that he enjoyed his job, but he hoped that he was also good at it; and although he didn't know it, at the very moment that he carefully read Mayumi's Asian Studies paper, Dana was looking over at Eli through the large glass window of her office that allowed her to see all three tutoring classrooms…and she was smiling fondly. She was very pleased with her entire; she reasoned that the young man was intelligent, helpful, and kind to his students – especially shy ones like Mayumi. She also enjoyed Eli's sense of humour – although their interactions were limited, Eli had quickly managed to get a few laughs out of Dana. Eli's boss was also pleased to see his friendship with Arizona – only one of their work shift over lapped and they only really said hellos as they walked into the building, as the tutoring appointments were already starting to become precious currency and the Writing Centre was operating at full capacity.

After a few weeks of repeated hellos, casual conversations, coffee at Blue Chip, and several brisk walks around Kits beach – Arizona lived just five blocks from Eli, in an apartment building much like his own – the two had formed a mutual friendship that benefited both parties. Eli knew full well just how lucky he had been to have Arizona as a tour guide that very first day of classes – she had really gone out of her way to show him so many things – and Arizona herself was overcoming a deep disappointment that had been a huge blow to the incredibly cheerful and optimistic girl, and meeting Eli brought a lot more laughter in her life at a time when it was really needed. Eli had also met a few other people in the program, and he had friends in every class, and he also got to know a few of Arizona's friends.

Whenever he'd walk with her to class or to work, or even when they'd meet for a homework coffee study session at one of the many coffee stores in the Kits neighbourhood, it seemed that they always ran into someone who knew Arizona. Eli knew by now that in addition to the Writing Centre, Orientations and teaching a little girls' dance class, Arizona was also on the English Students Association and she frequently represented English students at department-wide fundraisers; and all of the people who always eagerly said hi to her on campus seemed to be co-workers of hers from one activity or another. Eli knew that she was always running from commitment to commitment and that she consequently just didn't have a lot of free time, but he had wondered if she had a constant group of friends – she had been born and raised here after all. There had been one time when she had mentioned that her best friend was studying at McGill, but Eli sensed there was something that had upset her when they were talking about their friends, so he didn't push. After all, Eli had told Arizona about Adam many times, every time something happened that reminded Eli of his best friend, but he had not ever mentioned Clare. How on earth could he begin to describe Clare to Arizona?

_But every night before I go to sleep, no matter how much I try not to, I think about my ex-girlfriend who left me because I was too much of a crazy, paranoid mess to handle and who I crashed my hearse – oh I never mentioned I drove a hearse? – into a wall for, but it doesn't even matter because she was over me before I was even out of crutches and never really loved me I don't think – she loved the boy who right now is actually her brother. _

Perhaps not the best idea, Eli thought. He also had a theory that if he didn't verbalize Clare's name, perhaps he wouldn't think of her. But all it took was one song. One pretty thing in a store window. The sight of a book he knew she liked. The release of a new book Eli thought she _would_ like. The sight of a couple walking with their hands intertwined…and there he was, wishing her pink nails could appear among his sharpie-coloured ones.

But they never would again, Eli would remember every time and he'd refocus his energy on something else.

Anything else.

After he was finished his shift at the Writing Centre, Eli stepped out among the Pacific fir trees that surrounded the building, went up University Boulevard, and grabbed a coffee that would make his next class just a little bit easier to get through – the dystopian literature class was one of his favourites, but the prof would be away at a conference today and he was sending one of his PhD students to lecture instead. Eli wasn't a fan of when professors had TAs in English classes, and he knew that he should be a little more forgiving as he was serving as a type of TA himself this year – just marking first year English papers as a component of the joint B.A./M.A. program, but he had had a very unpleasant experience with a TA when he was in his first year, and the entire affair had clarified to him something that his favourite professor at U of T, the head of the English Department – who had not been very happy when Eli had requested to be transferred at UBC for the year – had told him.

Apparently, TAs were always so much more keen than professors and had expectations that were much higher – all enthusiastic in their first teaching assignments, they were apparently always much more focused on tiny details, while experienced professors knew the realities of their students and would always assign grades that were on the whole, higher than the ones stickler TAs would give. That had certainly been illustrated in Eli's not-so-great first year experience.

And just as Eli had expected, the lecture had not even been comparable to the ones the regular prof would give in the class, but at least it was over now – and this was Eli's last class of the day, so as he left the Buchanan Arts complex, he sighed – of course it was raining, he thought to himself – and headed for the bus loop. He knew that seeing how it was three o'clock, the buses would be absolutely packed; he was glad he only had one stop on the express 99BLine bus to go.

When he got off the bus, the rain stopped and the sun appeared at once, bright and warm, making Eli think that the weather in Vancouver was definitely bipolar – not that he was complaining. The sun lit up the whole city, and you could see the mountains clearly in the background once the clouds cleared. So instead of heading home, Eli opted to head into a coffee shop and allow himself the luxury of getting another coffee - just this once; it was Friday after all, and he could count it as a tiny celebration of the fact that he had gotten a good job. So he walked through the large, tavern-like doors of the coffee store named Calhoun's, and he noticed with a smirk that its inside was made to look like one of those comfy ski lodges that Vancouverites were so fond of – it seemed that almost everyone in this city was into some type of sport, and that almost everyone jogged or went for a run, no matter how early it was, or how hard the rain would come down. Eli would always see joggers outside on the streets from his apartment, and just…looking at them out there, in the cold , made him feel cold – sometimes he swore people in this city were a little off their rocker.

The coffee store had large wooden tables and chairs – a lot of them, and large plasma TV screens set on sports and news channels and as he walked to the front and ordered his coffee, Eli reasoned that it was definitely decorated in a mountain cabin style – much like what he assumed the famous Whistler to look like – the ski/snowboard resort had just opened up for the season, and students would flock to it on the weekends – Eli often heard their excited planning in hallways and classrooms. He knew that Arizona had been there just last weekend with her parents, but he didn't think he's get to know Whistler in his time here – skiing and snowboarding weren't exactly his style, and he knew that Vancouverites wouldn't really be beginners in either activity at his age – they'd be pros.

After his coffee appeared at the bar, Eli picked it up and brought it to a table by a window and pulled out a few articles that he had to read for a paper. The sun softly streaked in through the window right by his side and Eli realized that the arguments the articles raised would integrate perfectly with his own argument, with the exception of one of them that he would have to come up with some of sort of point about. Just as he took another sip of coffee and leaned back in this chair, he looked out the window and smirked in amusement when he saw no one other than, Arizona walking the sidewalk, surrounded by eight little girls who were all dressed the same way.

Eli knew at once that they must be her dance students; they had on little cowboy boots just like Arizona's, black tights and little jean skirts as well as red plaid shirts, and each little girl had had her hair done in French braids. Eli wanted to laugh out loud when he realized how perfectly lined up the little girls' were, organized into partners that were of similar height – if there was one thing Arizona couldn't stand, he had learned, it was disorder. He also noticed that she was at the very back of the group, and he knew this was so that she could keep an eye on everyone easier this way. Eli also saw that the little girls were buzzing with excitement about something and that Arizona was carrying one of them in her arms – and the little girl's puffy eyes and red and blotchy face told Eli that she had probably been crying and she was being cradled in Arizona's arms for comfort. When Eli saw Arizona instruct the leading pair of little girls to enter the coffee store, he headed to the door and held it open for them and Arizona greeted him in surprise.

"Hey Eli! Thanks," she said, as the little girls crossed the threshold over the door and within minutes, Arizona had them all seated around a table. She gave Eli a warm smile and said,

"Eli, these are my girls from dance – Annabelle, Eunice, Carly, Monica, Remi, Hillary, Nikki, and Steph. Girls, this is my good friend from school Eli," Arizona explained, and the enumeration of names and sheer number of little girls overwhelmed Eli at once, but he gave all the girls a wave and a "Hey," adding, "I like all your pretty outfits," a compliment that left several of the little girls obviously pleased, and elicited a few giggles.

The bravest little girl out of the group boldly burst out, "Are you Arizona's boyfriend?" a question that caused Eli to stumble an awkward "Uhhh…" before Arizona took control of the situation with her usual professionalism, though her entire face was as red as a tomato.

"No, no, Steph, Eli is my good friend. Okay, time for hot chocolate and cookies like I promised!" Arizona cheerfully exclaimed, clapping her hands, knowing that this thought would soon distract their girls from all else – an instinct she was rather correct in.

"Sorry, Eli, they just don't know any better," Arizona apologetically said, as Eli just gave her a dismissive don't-worry-about-it wave. Arizona then explained that the little girls were getting this special treat as they had just run through their dress rehearsal for a big show that they had coming up. Eli helped Arizona deliver the cookies and cups of hot chocolate from the counter to the table, and soon after he retreated back to his own studying, Arizona telling him that she'd be coming back to do a little bit of studying herself after bringing her girls back to the dance studio and waiting for them to be picked up by their parents. About forty minutes later, she returned on her own and obviously a little exhausted, and Eli and her sat in friendly silence as they worked through some assignments.

As they were packing up their things, Arizona asked Eli,

"Have you been to Zulu records yet?" as it was her next destination connected to her to-do list.

"What's that?" Eli asked in confusion.

"Eli! You don't know? It's a really neat music shop that's been around since…basically since Vancouver came to be. It's got all these old records, and you can trade your own in, and they know all about the shows that are coming, they sell tickets to many of them too – you'd love it, come with me, I'm just headed there so I can pick up something for my dad when I go home for Thanksgiving," Arizona enthusiastically said as Eli and her were walking along the sidewalk.

"What does your dad do exactly?" Eli asked her, knowing that he worked in the music industry but not anything beyond that.

"He's a producer and songwriter, and my mom is a human rights lawyer – she works for the government," Arizona answered.

"That's so cool," Eli replied, and Arizona wondered why he smirked at her so…sadly when he said that. She had noticed that there were certain times when that same mood would overtake Eli, but he'd snap out of it almost immediately, and she didn't want to make him uncomfortable by asking him anything insensitively. Arizona was really grateful for Eli's friendship as it had made her smile when she was sad. When no one else knew that she was sad – the girl had met Eli at a time when she needed a fresh hard more than at any other time in her life.

After about a ten minute walk, Arizona enthusiastically declared, "Here we are!" and Eli smiled as he looked through the windows of the store…there were two sections; one of CDs and concert announcements, but the other section…it charmed Eli at once – it was full of old records categorized by genres, and there were hundreds and hundreds of them. Arizona giggles as she saw Eli's eyes widen in excitement and it was a full hour before she caught up with him again – Eli had wandered along the different sections, taken advantage of the fact that you could listen to whatever record you wanted in the listening section, and when Arizona took up the CCR record that she had selected for her dad – knowing that he didn't have this particular one – Eli was deeply engrossed in conversation with a young dude who had launched into a history of the store, and how it had supported the Vancouver music scene ever since it was started by a group of musicians.

Arizona laughed as she approached him and said, "I think you just found your new favourite place in Vancouver," and Eli nodded and flashed her a smirk.

He then returned to the rock section and Arizona followed him, filing through the section opposite of the one Eli was looking through. She had never seen Eli quite so…free – he always seemed to have a bit of a tension about him, one that Arizona had interpreted as the stresses of having to move to a new city all by yourself. But now….there was something different about him in this moment, and she liked it. She then saw Eli's lips part breathlessly as he pulled out a Stones record, and she heard him softly say,

"Wow. You know who would be a huge fan of this place?" and Arizona didn't respond, as she felt that Eli wasn't really looking for an answer.

As his voice gained an even softer tone, he said,

"My dad," and nothing more.

Arizona's lack of knowledge on the subject, however, caused her to reply.

"That's awesome, Eli. Well, maybe you can bring him here sometime, like convince him to come visit you for Thanksgiving or something?" she asked.

Arizona then watched as Eli sorted through some other records with a sad smirk on his face, and he didn't meet her gaze as he answered,

"No, that's sweet, but…he passed…three years ago. My mom too," and Arizona's heart instantly broke for Eli. He was…all alone?

"Oh, Eli, I'm so sorry," she breathed emotionally, coming over and placing her hand on his arm in a comforting gesture at once.

When Eli looked into her bright green eyes, he was taken aback to see that…they were flooded with a shiny film of tears, and he felt bad at once.

"Oh, it's okay, Arizona, it's okay. He lived one of the best lives ever – my mom and him…they loved life and they were really happy, except for when I caused them trouble, particularly through one rough stretch. He was…a radio jockey. Had his own show. That's how I came to know music so well," Eli expanded, because…Arizona just had a softness about her that made opening up…easy.

"How amazing," she said with a smile. "Your parents must have been so wonderful, Eli – to raise such a great son. They'd be so proud of you," Arizona kindly offered, removing her hand to deliver a playful punch as she added, "Coming all the way out to the hippy coast – a feat for any Toronto kid," and Eli chuckled in response, much to her delight.

"Don't remind me," Eli sarcastically said. "Ready to go? I'm just gonna grab these," Eli said, gesturing to the four records that he had picked out, and twenty minutes later, he was saying his goodbye to Arizona, having walked her to her apartment building despite her insistence that it wouldn't be necessary. But Eli had pointed out to her that it was dark and that it really wasn't a big deal, and she hadn't resisted, being happy at the prospect of sharing Eli's company for a little while longer.

Just as she was pulling out her keys in order to enter her apartment building, an idea suddenly dawned on her.

"Eli? Why don't you come home with me for Thanksgiving dinner? It'll be fun," she shyly asked.

"That's really nice of you, but you don't have to do that," Eli replied as he inserted his hands into the pockets of his leather jacket.

"Oh, come on – I've had a friend come for Thanksgiving every year since I came out to UBC – my parents love it. And it's not a big deal like sleeping over or anything - it's West Van. I mean, it's about an hour and half of a commute, but you could see the SeaBus and get a taste of life outside the campus bubble," Arizona insisted.

"I don't want to impose, it's a family thing –" Eli began, but Arizona gently cut him off.

"Eli, come on, it'll be so much better than being all alone in your apartment. It would be a good thing for everyone – my parents love meeting my friends, my mom is a great cook and she always goes all out on Thanksgiving. Just come, no one should be alone on Thanksgiving," Arizona said.

"I don't-" Eli shyly replied, not wanting anyone to feel like…he needed to be looked after. He desperately didn't want to repeat the same mistakes that he had already made.

"Eli," Arizona softly said. "Just come. It'll be fun. It's just a few hours; we'd leave around 2 and be back by the late evening. Get a chance to see West Van – my house is right at the foot of the mountains. Come on," Arizona continued, making her final case.

"Okay, let's do it," Eli replied with a small smirk, potently adding, "Thank you," and Arizona just smiled in response, happy that she could do something to make Eli smile.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"So what do you think?" Clare asked Adam as they were having lunch together on campus on Canada's other coast. However, when Adam didn't answer because he was too engrossed answering a text, a frown crossed Clare's face – one that only got larger when she saw…who exactly Adam was texting.

"Adam!" she called, wondering if he had heard anything she had been talking about.

"Yeah, yeah, I'm listening – just had to reply for a Eli," Adam said in an exasperated tone, wondering what had made Clare so impatient all of a sudden. When he looked up at her, he felt a little bad when he saw her entire face blush furiously, and she then softly asked,

"So…how's he doing in Vancouver?" Clare wasn't too proud of the fact that she never talked to Eli despite the incredibly generous thing that he had done for her – the reason he was in Vancouver at the moment, after all – but things had ended so awkwardly with the dinner that never was that she just didn't know what to say to him. Besides, she reasoned, Eli must be busy…she hoped. In a moment of weakness, Clare wondered if his adjustment had been an easy one – did he have any friends or did he spend all of his time alone in a dark, cluttered room? She somewhat thought it was the latter, and she wondered if Eli would ever find peace.

And then, Adam responded to her question.

"He's doing really well. I think he really likes it over there, and I don't blame him - by the sound of it, Vancouver freaking rocks. He even found this super rare edition of _The Goon_ in an old record store out of all places. I want to head out there and visit, if I can ever save enough for a plane ticket. It sounds really fun and I miss Eli," Adam said.

"That sounds like fun," Clare quickly said with a smile that did nothing to fool Adam. "But movies Saturday night – you in?" Clare pursued, seeking the answer to the question that she had asked before…the conversation took this turn.

When she looked at Adam, Clare couldn't understand the look of hesitancy on his face, and it was another second before Adam spoke up.

"Yeah, I want to…" he started, and after a few encouraging nods from Clare he added, "But will Lorenzo be there?" and Clare gave him a look of confusion in response. Of course he'd be there, Clare reasoned – but why did Adam look so…reluctant?

"Of course he's coming, he's my _boyfriend_ Adam," Clare emphasized as Adam nodded. "Why? You don't like him?" she added. Adam and Lorenzo had had a couple of opportunities to become friends now, and Clare was under the impression that they…did. Sure, they didn't have all that much in common, but Adam was one of the least judgemental and friendliest people Clare knew. Surely he'd like her boyfriend, right?

"No, I do, he's your boyfriend and you care for him," Adam shrugged. "But he…sort of makes me uncomfortable sometimes," he finally admitted.

"What? How?" Clare asked in horror, wondering if there was something that she had not caught onto.

"It's just that – I get he's a TA and into writing and lit and stuff, but does he _have to_ insist that we talk about transgender theory _every time_ we see each other? If I've read this book and that book and if I feel if it represented transgendered folks well or was it disrespectful? It's like…that's all he ever talks to me about, and whenever I try to change the subject it somehow always loops back to the fact that I am transgender – and clearly, I must be completely absorbed in theory and studies and willing to always discuss it. It's like…sure, I'm trans, and I do care about it being represented well, but…that's not _all_ I'm about, and we don't have to talk about it all the time – like…it's all I'm good for. And, then, when I do share an opinion, he always contradicts it anyway – whatever I say, it's like _he's_ the expert on what I should think and feel – it's like he's lecturing me on _how to_ be trans and like he knows best – better than me – how I should feel," Adam shared with Clare, getting rather worked up as he remembered the conversations he had had with Lorenzo.

"I…didn't know you felt that way," Clare said in a small voice, deeply embarrassed that Lorenzo had made Adam feel…uncomfortable.

"He just…like you said, he's a TA and really into that stuff. He takes his lit very seriously," Clare defended her boyfriend, and Adam just shook his head and shot her a glare, wanting to tell her that…Eli also took his lit very seriously and never said any of that stuff to him.

"Yeah… about that, him being a TA. Is that cool – because isn't he a TA for your program?" Adam checked.

"It's fine – there's no rules against it," Clare said impatiently, wondering why everyone always fixated on this point – Lorenzo had already told her it was all right, so clearly, that was no longer an issue.

Clare then continued, "I'll talk to him, Adam, please, and he won't do that anymore. I bet you he doesn't even realize he does it. Just please…come with us on Saturday," Clare pursued, but Adam was still hesitant, much to her chagrin.

"Just tell him to keep his hand on the outside of his shirt and keep the PDA down," Adam said, in reference to the lunch they had once had together that had made Adam want to vomit more than anything else – Lorenzo had kept his hand on the inside of Clare's sweater for the entirety of the lunch – something that made Adam widen his eyes a bit, as she knew that was a privilege that had never been granted to Eli or one that Eli would have pushed for.

Clare's entire face turned a crab red at that comment and she whispered out, "And then you'll come?"

"Yeah, sure, I'll come," Adam reluctantly said, returning back to his phone as Eli had replied to his text and Adam was much more interested in that conversation as opposed to the one focusing on the boy who he believed Clare was making a huge mistake with. But he didn't want to upset her by suggesting such a thing; Adam could see that she was hell-bent on making the relationship work.

XXXXXXXXXX –**Three days later -**

_I gotta go, dude, I'm off to the movies. Kill me now_, Adam's text message read.

_Since when are the movies a bad thing? I know you miss me, but I can't be there to hold your hand all the time,_ Eli typed as Arizona watched him smile at the screen.

_You wish. Promised a friend I'd go, but I can't the company she's bringing_, Adam typed back.

_What friend is this? Am I being replaced?_ Eli responded, causing Adam to evasively say _A new friend of Drew's, not a big deal. Happy Thanksgiving, have a good one, _deciding that Eli didn't need to know Clare was dating a 28 year old TA.

_You too_, Eli responded before he put his phone away. He took one final sip of his coffee and chucked it into the garbage can only to -

"Watch out!" Eli shouted as the shied away from the garbage can, but the same fear wasn't reflected in Arizona's face, who only laughed loudly at Eli's reaction.

"They won't hurt you," she managed to get out between giggles.

"Okay, so I think you'll agree that I've done well with adjusting to this whole 'nature' thing you guys seem to have going out here – but _squirrels flying out of garbage cans _I will _never_ wrap my mind around," Eli replied with a look of distaste on his face that made Arizona laugh even harder.

"I guess it's a little weird," she compromised.

"Let's just get off this crazy campus – although I heard West Van has bears," Eli playfully replied.

"A few – but they rarely come down and we just have to dispose of garbage properly. Don't worry, I'll protect you," she joked, wondering why Eli flinched at those words. He was a rather protective character himself, always waking her home if they took the bus together after work on Thursday evenings after their tutor training course.

"Let's hope I survive," Eli recovered, hating himself for…being so stuck. He didn't want to be, but he just couldn't help it. He wasn't strong enough, he reasoned.

Thirty minutes later, the two friends got off the bus at Waterfront Station, where they would have to hop onto the SeaBus, a twenty-five minute ride across the ocean inlet. Arizona had decided to go this way as opposed to taking the bus the whole time, as she thought it would be a nice of change for someone who had not seen too much of Vancouver and who was not used to having so much water around. She had planned on taking the bus back – that way Eli could cross the Lions Gate Bridge and have a fantastic ocean of the cruise ships and ocean tankers out on the water, and it was a beautiful sunny day in Vancouver, creating one of the most amazing views in the world – Arizona's travels allowing her to correctly evaluate it as such.

They were one of the first people on the ferry, and Arizona smiled to herself when Eli insisted that they sit by the window, and she saw that he was attracted by the view, eventually getting up and standing by the window for the rest of the journey. The Sea Bus crossed by a variety of other boats, and a pair of seagulls followed it – as they always did – and inside the vessel, one felt right at the level of the water, cradled by the snow-top covered mountains – it was an overwhelming sensation that could only be achieved in a few places on the entire globe – Toronto not being one of them, Arizona thought with a giggle.

"That was really neat," Eli declared once they had reached Lonsdale Quay at the other end of the water, and Arizona flashed him a smile as she said,

"I know, right? It may take fifteen minutes longer than busing the entire way, but whenever I go home I always take the Sea Bus on the way there. And many UBC students never find out it exists, so I'm glad you got a chance to do this," she concluded.

"Well, I owe it to you – just like pretty much everything since I got here," Eli recognized as they walked towards the bus stop and Arizona gestured towards number 228, and Eli noticed its destination was 'British Properties' – the group that Arizona had showed him on a map, and indeed, they were literally at the footsteps of the mountains.

"You don't owe me anything Eli," Arizona sincerely said, flashing her U-pass to the driver. Eli noticed that this bus ride was rather different than any other one that he had been in Vancouver as he went exploring some weekends on his own, some with Arizona and other friends that he had made; everyone was dressed in waterproof jackets and comfy hiking shoes, and the bus was driving in first gear practically the entire way, heading some pretty steep roads.

"This is cool," Eli declared as he looked around. "You were so right about the campus bubble – I feel so far away from it now, and I like it. It was time for a break," he said with a frown, the stresses of the first round of papers and TA training getting to him.

"I know. I expected this program to be intense, and that it certainly has been," Arizona declared, glad that she had been able to keep up her marks to their usual standard – and Eli had been able to achieve this task as well.

Twenty minutes later, Eli and Arizona were walking down a tree-lined street that contained huge Douglas Firs, causing Eli to remark,

"These trees are so huge," as he also noticed that the darkness they produced made the air so much cooler. The air in West Van was also different than the one in campus; one of the first things Eli had noticed when he got off the plane was that Vancouver has cool and crisp mountain air – unlike Toronto's stuff smog - but West Van definitely found like almost being atop of a mountain, or so it felt to him.

"They've been here forever; this is one of the first neighbourhoods that people settled into all that time ago when they first decided to live out on the west coast," Arizona explained.

"This is me," she continued as they reached an elegant black iron fence. Arizona opened the door, and Eli could see a carefully tended garden and a large house that he knew was one of those ridiculously expensive ones that Vancouver was so famous for; ever since it had hosted the Olympics, the prices for housing had become astronomical, as there were many rich Asian investors and celebrities who could very well afford them, keeping the value up as demand sometimes exceeded supply. This fact rather surprised Eli, who didn't enough about the British Properties neighbourhood when he first heard about it to tell the financial status of Arizona's family – the girl had nice clothing and things, not that Eli was an expert in girl's clothing and could tell. It puzzled him a bit, as Arizona had so many jobs – she always seemed to be either studying or working – when it was rather clear that…she didn't need to. Nor did she need to live in the tiny apartment that she inhabited, and seeing this only made Eli respect Arizona more, as he believed it said a lot about the kind of person she was.

"Mom!" he heard her call joyously, and she soon ran up to a middle-aged lady with the same light blonde hair who was wearing a pair of dark jeans and a wool sweater with little Canadian leaves and moose patterns on it. Eli noticed the nice Suburban in the driveway, and he stayed back a bit, wanting to give Arizona this moment with her mom. He then saw a middle aged man, also wearing jeans and a black fleece hoodie approach the car.

"2013 GMC Suburban. Nicest car I've ever owned. You like cars, son?" the man said.

"Yeah," Eli replied, and he then saw Arizona bounce over excitedly to her dad and give him a large hug before she handed him the record she had picked out as a present. Eli watched as the girl's dad first chastised her to getting him a present, then gratefully placed a kiss on her forehead, and the had to turn his gaze away for a moment, as the image of a dad with a record was a little too much in that moment.

"Daddy, this is my friend Eli that I told you about. Eli, these are my parents," Arizona proudly, but modestly said, and Eli shook both their hands.

"Pleased to meet you, Mr. and Mrs. Calloway," Eli said. "Thank you for inviting me into your home," he added.

"Nonsense, we're so glad you could make it. The only friends of Arizona's from school that we've met before have all been girls," Arizona's mom said with a warm smile as Arizona widened her eyes, wishing her mom had never shared that with Eli.

"And yes, Sir, that is a gorgeous car," Eli added.

"You know cars?" Arizona's dad asked.

"Not really well, but a little. My dad had a thing for cars, you see," Eli explained.

"You drive?" Arizona's dad asked, the same warmth in his voice that Eli was so used to hearing in the man's daughter.

"Not so much these days – I don't have a car anymore – but I know how to, yeah," Eli responded.

"Well, see that blue Toyota over there? That's my daughter's, but she never finished learning how to drive her – you should take her out while you're here, help her get rid of some of her fear –" Arizona's dad started, but then he was gently interrupted by his daughter.

"Dad – " and she also cast her dad one of the saddest and most hurt looks that Eli had ever seen flash across her face, making him wonder what was going on.

"I'd love to take you driving - you want to?" Eli asked Arizona, but she shook her head at once and said,

"No, Eli, I don't want to – that's why I leave the car here, I don't bring it with me to campus. Thanks though," she politely replied.

At that moment, two boys that were older than Eli ran out of the house, and one of them playfully picked up Arizona at once, yelling, "Hey – counsellor Arizona! Finally got here, I'm starving," and Eli smiled, knowing that Arizona wanted to follow in her mom's footsteps and become a lawyer as well.

"Eddie, wow - you look great," Arizona said as she was restored back to the ground.

"Yeah, well, Sarah's got me on Slim-Fast," Arizona's brother explained as he patted his stomach with a laugh.

"Eli, these are my brothers – Eddie and Derek. Guys, this is my friend Eli – he's on a sort of exchange for the year," Arizona explained.

"Welcome to our home," Kyle loudly said, elongating and enunciating each word carefully as he shook Eli's hand intensely, making Eli smirk in amusement.

Arizona rolled her eyes and giggled, "He's from Toronto, dummie – he speaks better English than you do," and Eddie immediately apologized and playfully punched Eli's shoulder as Eli assured him that everything was fine.

"Well, come in everyone," Arizona's mom instructed, and Eli took his shoes off a few minutes later, admiring all of the art along the walls of the hallway. Arizona showed him to a bathroom soon after, and he washed his hands and face, looking at his reflection in the mirror and feeling so grateful to his new friend for including him – from the moment that he stepped foot in the house, he realized how nice it would be to eat with a family on Thanksgiving, and he headed back into the living room soon after. He saw an elaborate Thanksgiving dinner laid out along a dark maple table with eight matching tall chairs, and a large plasma screen TV was set to CTV – the announcers were pondering the probable outcome between the Vancouver Canucks and…the Toronto Maple Leafs, which made Eli roll his eyes playfully at Arizona.

"You like hockey, Eli?" Arizona's brother Eddie asked him, and Eli judged by Eddie's Canucks hoodie that he wouldn't really need to reciprocate the question.

"I don't follow it closely, but I do know that the Leafs call it a good season if they walk away with ten points, while Vancouver is regularly a title contender," Eli answered.

"Good answer – I like you already," Arizona's other brother replied with a laugh.

"Well, come and eat, everyone," Arizona's mom called, handing out a set of red-rimmed plates and encouraging everyone to help themselves from the array of side dishes and salads while she began carving the turkey.

"Everyone thank your mom for going to the store and picking this up," Arizona's dad said with a mischievous smile that elicited a shocked gasp from his wife and earned him a playful slap of his shoulder.

"It looks amazing," Eli complimented, earning a very pleased smile from Arizona's mom, and within a few minutes, everyone was settled around the table and their attention was divided between the total destruction of Toronto's Maple Leafs at the hands of the Vancouver Canucks and various conversations about school and work. Arizona's parents found out about Eli's Toronto origins, about his parents' passing when they asked what his parents did for a living and Eli employed the past tense, and both his summer employment – which caused Arizona's mom to ask many questions, as it was related to her own field of work – and future job plans. Eli explained to them that he would like to eventually take his PhD in English Lit and if offered the chance, he would like to teach at the university level while working on his dream of getting a novel published.

Just as Eli had finished answering all of their questions, never feeling too assaulted, Eddie reached for another bun and as he was tearing off a piece of it, he not-so-casually asked,

"So, Eli…what's going on between you and my sister?" which caused Arizona to immediately burst out, "Eddie! For God's sake, Eli's my friend," putting Eli's mind at ease. All the time that he had been spending with Arizona made him a little worried sometimes…he so desperately didn't want to hurt a girl the same way that he had hurt Imogen, and hearing Arizona answer her brother this way put his mind at ease.

"What?" Eddie answered playfully, "He's too good looking not to ask," he continued with a laugh, and pretty soon the conversation had taken another turn, much to both Arizona and Eli's relief.

After finishing dinner, everyone moved to the living room to finish the hockey game while Arizona's parents excused themselves, saying they both had a bit of work to finish. Just before they were set to leave, Arizona's mom came down the stairs and told Eli and Arizona she was just going to pack them some leftovers to take to school to them, a task that she insisted on completing despite all of their assurances that it wasn't necessary.

Arizona followed her mom into the kitchen and watched as she pulled out various Tupperware containers, when her mom softly said,

"So, Eli's nice, darling".

"Yeah, he is. He's one of my best friends at school," Arizona replied.

"You know, Arizona – chemistry isn't just in a classroom –" she started, but her daughter quickly interrupted her.

"Mom – it's not like that. We're just friends," she said resolutely.

"Darling – I just don't want what happened to make you think that –" her mom attempted again.

"It didn't, all right? I just…can't afford a distraction right now. Eli and I study and work together, and we're friends, and that's that," Arizona said.

"Well, all right then. All right," Arizona's mom replied.

"Where's dad?" Arizona asked. "I want to say bye".

"He's in the studio darling," Arizona's mom answered, and the girl went back into the living room to get Eli first, knowing he'd probably like to see the recording studio that her dad had upstairs – sometimes he liked to work with his more important artists closely or late at night, and he had the studio installed for that purpose.

Eli did indeed admire all of the control panels and musical instruments starting from the moment he walked in, much to the amusement of Arizona's dad, who watched Eli walk along the walls and study the platinum and gold records that he had worked on throughout the years.

"You produced for Bryan Adams?" Eli asked incredulously after he came to the centre wall.

"Sure did – and I can honestly say his records were the most enjoyable ones that I've produced in my entire record. He's such a talented guy," Arizona's dad answered with a smile before hugging his daughter good-bye as Eli redirected his attention to the decorated walls.

"Love you, sweetheart," Eli heard her dad say, catching bit of their conversation unintentionally.

"You need any money, love? Let me write you a cheque, just so you have money in your account in case you need something at school," he gently said.

"Dad – no, I've got plenty, I have good jobs. I'll let you know though," Arizona continued with a smile, an answer that characterized her entire personality, Eli thought with a faint smile.

"Be careful heading back – it's so late," Arizona's dad told her gently, and she sweetly assured him that she would before everyone went downstairs and said their final goodbyes and Eli thanked the entire family for having him one more time.

As they were walking off the property, Eli saw Arizona get just a bit sadder and lost in her thoughts, so he shared with her something he figured she needed to know.

"That was the best Thanksgiving I've had since…since it's been just me – my aunt and uncle can never take enough time from work to come down in October, and…this – it meant a lot to me. Thank you," he confessed to his friend.

"Thank you for coming, Eli. It was really nice," Arizona sweetly said, but Eli noticed that out of the corner of her eye, she was staring at the car that she never used.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXX -**One week later-**

"That's cool, though it's kind of a bummer that you don't get to travel anywhere," Alli said to Clare as she leaned back on Clare's bed.

"Yeah, I know. I guess they agreed that since U of T is the biggest university, everyone should just come here instead, it probably has the largest number of available rooms and such," Clare replied, in reference to the conference that all of the English Departments of the schools doing the joint B.A./M.A. program were putting on in February of the coming year.

"Clare, you should be careful when it happens though," Alli pursued as she took a sip of the hot chocolate Clare had made her.

"What do you mean?" Clare asked in confusion.

"This means that you-know-who is coming," Alli pointed out with a frown.

"You mean Eli?" Clare asked in frustration.

"Exactly – and after the craze he was on with the play, I can only imagine what he'll do when all of a sudden he's in a place with you – and with Lorenzo. He'll totally embarrass you in front of your boyfriend and all of your professors – just keep down the PDA and try not to let Eli catch onto the fact that you're dating Lorenzo," Alli said.

"I…don't want anyone at that conference to find out Lorenzo is my boyfriend," Clare said with a smile that she couldn't hold back at the mention of the title Lorenzo occupied in her life.

Clare continued, "Just because his bosses will be there, you know?" and Alli nodded knowingly in response.

"Just stay away from Eli, Clare. Just because he switched teaching positions with you doesn't mean you have to talk to him – in fact, it's exactly what he wants, I bet. Same old manipulative Eli probably jumped at the chance once he realized what he could do. You have your life now – and it's Lorenzo and U of T, not Eli. Lorenzo's gonna be put off by Eli's crazy ways, so be strong when you see him, don't talk to him. What boyfriend wants their girlfriend's psycho ex pulling his schemes? It'll push Lorenzo away," Alli said.

"I don't know about Eli manipulating me again, but…You're right. I don't want…Lorenzo to find out about Eli…Eli is _so_ much to deal with, that Lorenzo won't like dealing with that. I remember Jake really didn't like Eli's antics. I probably should stay away from him during the conference," Clare said, reasoning that Alli didn't need to know about her still-not-kept promise to have dinner with Eli.

Clare spent the rest of the night trying to shake Alli's words from her mind.

XXXXXXXXXXXX – **One month later -**

"Eli! Open your door!" Arizona said breathlessly, and Eli flung it open at once.

"What's going on?" he asked in a panic, wondering why Arizona had dropped by unexpectedly, something that was very out of character for her. He also noticed that she looked different than usual – she had on a sleek black dress underneath a light brown leather jacket that matched her darker leather English riding boots, and her hair was a lot fuller, sporting bouncy waves. Her green eyes shone under the highlight of golden eye shadow, and her lips were painted a sparkly pink.

"What's going on! What's going on is that _it's your birthday tomorrow_ and we're celebrating tonight because there's a special show in town and I got tickets through my dad!" she said excitedly.

"What? I can't even believe you know it's my birthday tomorrow – I planned on sort of laying low for this one," Eli said as he rubbed his eyes.

"That is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard," Arizona chastised Eli. "BRYAN ADAMS is giving a private show at the Commodore – something he does once in a blue moon after he retired from the scene officially- and you're gonna 'lay low'? This is literally a once in a lifetime show, we can't miss this! Only a few industry people were invited, and my dad gave me his tickets, we have to go!" she practically screamed.

"Hold the phone – you forgot to mention the Byran-Adams-secret-show part. How long have you known this?" Eli asked with a smirk.

"Ugh – no time for questions – time to go – you have ten minutes to get yourself all dolled up," Arizona said with a giggle, pushing Eli back into his apartment with a giggle.

"All right, all right, enough with the violence!" Eli said with a laugh before he turned around and looked her in the eye and said, "Thank you. This is _the _best birthday present ever, so…Vancouver-like," Eli characterized it, a description that pleased his friend very much.

Arizona laughed enthusiastically in response and repeated, "Hurry up, Eli, we're late!" as she shut his apartment door and waited for him in the hallway.

XXXXXXXXXXXX

Clare was absent-mindedly moving her pasta around her plate, wondering how she could get something published when she heard Jake ask something that made her as furious at him as she had ever been.

"So, Clare, when's your _boyfriend_ coming over for dinner?" a question that immediately achieved its intended purpose as Clare's mom piped up at once, asking,

"Clare? What's this? You have a boyfriend? Since when?" a question that Clare barely picked up as she was too busy flashing Jake a look of daggers.

"Clare, I asked you a question," Helen repeated.

"I…since the start of the year," Clare lied, not specifying it had actually been longer than that.

"What? It's almost Christmas now, why didn't you tell me?" Helen asked in alarm.

"I…it just slipped my mind," Clare replied.

"Well, who is this boy?" Helen pursued.

"His name is Lorenzo, he's…I met him at school," Clare said, choosing her words carefully.

"How exactly did you meet him? A classmate, is he?" Jake smugly asked, wanting everything to be out on the table. He had watched Clare sneak away for dates with him, coming back completely flushed and giggly out of her mind, and when he realized that Clare had no plans of telling the one person who might also see this for what it was worth, he decided to take it upon himself. Jake knew that Clare would get quite stubborn, but he was strongly convinced that he was acting in her ultimate best interests, and if there really was nothing to worry about….well, then, even better, he thought. But something about the entire situation seemed…odd to Jake, and the longer that he had kept Clare's secret, the longer he began to feel like an accomplice to a dirty trick that rubbed him the wrong way.

"I met him at school," Clare repeated.

"Well, very well, then Clare, please tell him we'd like to having him over for dinner one night – so we can meet the special young man in your life," Helen said with a smile, and Clare panicked a little. Surely if her mom saw Lorenzo, she'd be able to tell his…slightly older age, so Clare decided she might as well come completely clean.

"Sure," she answered her mom with an uncomfortable smile. "Um, mom, he's…one of the TAs of my program," Clare confessed, and she watched her mom's eyes widen at once, while Glen chose to stay perfectly quiet throughout this conversation, as Clare hadn't made things any easier in his mission to get closer to her, and he knew that Clare would hate him forever if he passed judgement on a situation that Glen easily understood better than anyone in the room.

"Is that…permitted, dear? Dating your TA?" Helen asked.

"No," said Jake.

"Yes," said Clare.

"Can you just stay out of this?" Clare loudly told Jake, and seeing how all Jake had ever wanted was for Helen to find out what Clare had been up to, and that had now been achieved, he decided to take a back seat to the discussion.

"Clare, I asked you a question," Helen repeated. "If this is not allowed, you could get kicked out of the school – and that would be the end of getting admitted anywhere," her mom sternly told her.

"It's allowed," Clare said, repeating what Lorenzo had told her.

"Clare…I would like it if you come to my room after dinner," Helen sternly said, and Clare spent the rest of the dinner steaming in anger at Jake, who really did not like to see her hate him so, but…it had been necessary. Someone had to do it, Jake thought, and he knew Alli never would – heck, she probably encouraged this madness, Jake thought – so he knew he really had had no other choice.

Not that Clare saw it this way. After a fifteen minute discussion which resulted in Clare listening to Helen lecture on about 'nice boys who spend time getting to know a girl before jumping into relationships' and which resulted in Helen telling Clare that the dinner had to be next week and no later, Clare stormed into Jake's room, slamming the door behind her as he looked up from a set of architectural drawings.

"By all means, come right in," Jake said sarcastically.

"You had no right! No right!" Clare yelled.

"Clare…what's the big deal? He's a nice guy, right? Just like you say. Think of this as an extra date, more time together with him. He's just coming for dinner," Jake argued, his nonchalance angering Clare even more.

"God – am I cursed or something? When are my ex-boyfriends going to stop interfering into my new relationships? You are all like ghosts – lurking in the shadows, going – oh, Clare is happy now…can't let that be – let's intervene," she went on, exasperated.

"Okay, yeah – so this is not be planting prescription pills in Lorenzo's backpack," Jake replied and Clare flinched and let out an angry scoff in return. "And that's the very opposite of what I'm trying to achieve her – it's precisely your happiness that I'm looking out for, Clare. I guess that does fit in with your pattern of exes – or Eli, anyway," Jake remarked, and Clare groaned out loud at the mention of his name.

"That's enough now! Stay _out _of my business, Jake – and if you sabotage my dinner, I will never speak with you again!" Clare shouted before leaving Jake's room and slamming the door all over again.

"Yeah, you're welcome. Nice to know you appreciate me," Jake softly said to himself as he adjusted the lamp over the drawings and tried to regain his focus on his work.

XXXXXXXXXXXXX –**The next day-**

"Anyway, I'd really appreciate it if you just come and we can get this whole thing over with," Clare exhaled as she spun around in Lorenzo's office chair – she dropped by his campus office hours.

"Hmm," Lorenzo said as he walked to the door, locked it, and drew the blinds shut, "you want me to come have dinner at your house?" he asked.

"Yes," Clare said with a blush.

"Wow, I can't believe you live at home – sometimes I forget how young you are, bella," Lorenzo expertly said, having by now learned exactly the way Clare reacted to certain comments, and much like Jake had tried to hint to Clare, that he knew exactly what to say to her.

"I'm not that young, or would I be doing this -" Clare determinately said, pulling on his tie and drawing him in for a kiss. "Am I?" she whispered as she pulled away.

"No, guess you're not – you certainly know what you're doing," he replied. "Meeting the family…hmm," Lorenzo mused.

"It's not a big deal," Clare mumbled, her mind racing thinking if…older girls didn't do this…if Lorenzo's old girlfriends never asked him to do this.

"Oh, anything for you, my Clare – I'll do it, of course. It will be fun - parents love me, just wait and see," he said with a perfect smile before drawing Clare onto his lap and afterwards quickly shushing her when her giggles got too loud.

"Thank you," Clare said emphatically before she left his office, giving herself a few minutes so her redness would go away and she wouldn't look conspicuous walking through the English Department. However, a pale pinkness returned to her as she ran for the elevator, and she politely greeted one of the female TAs in the program; Clare recognized her as she had TAed her Canadian studies class last year.

"Hi, Anna," Clare softly said as Anna's eyes scanned Clare once over before she set her gaze to the books that she was holding.

"Hi, Clare. Enjoying the program? How's the school year going so far?" Anna asked her.

"Oh, I love it. Really glad I am in it," Clare answered. "A bit nervous about the teaching aspect though – I mean, I'd like to keep that door open; I'm considering doing my PhD and teaching – just like you," Clare said with a soft smile. "Do you have any advice for what I should be doing right now…I really would like to stay at U of T," Clare specified.

"Advice?" Anna asked pensively.

"Yes," Clare answered, watching the lights on the elevator floor indicator change as it descended.

"Um, sure. You know, just do your best on all of your assignments – try to publish as much as you can, whether in a scholarly journal or fiction, and…network. Network…carefully," Anna gently said, "Knowing that…people's impressions – professors' especially- always do affect jobs. Keep…a demeanour of professionalism about you…in every aspect of your life," Anna specified as the elevator doors opened.

"Excuse me," Anna politely said, having felt a bit uncomfortable taking the elevator with Clare.

TAs knew each other well – it was a small world within the Department after all.

XXXXXXXXXXXXX –**Five days later-**

"And so, I thought U of T would be the best place for my PhD. You see Mrs. Edwards, my education is very important to me," Lorenzo told Clare's mom as everyone was seated around the dinner table.

"That's lovely," Clare's mom replied politely, and Clare tried to ignore the eye roll that Jake performed as he raised his glass to his lips. Jake had kept perfectly quiet throughout the meal, reasoning that he had done enough now, and he was perfectly fine with just getting his dinner and heading upstairs to finish the drawings that he needed to do for his first completely independent job.

Lorenzo, however, clearly had other plans.

"What do you study, Jake?" he asked, and Jake aimed to keep his answers as short and concise as possible, reasoning that would be the best tactic, not wanting Clare to get into an even more sullen mood.

"I did a management certificate through U of T, I've already finished it. I'm a contractor – my dad and I own the company, so that's what I love to do, and I just did the training so I can be ready to own the business one day," Jake specified.

"You didn't do a Bachelor's of Business Administration or anything like that?" Lorenzo pushed.

"My certificate program was run through the U of T School of Business," Jake calmly replied, wondering when Lorenzo would stop grilling him.

"Oh, well, school is not for everybody," Lorenzo nonchalantly replied, his remark not only stinging Jake, but also making Helen cringe and making Glen completely furious.

"Is there something wrong with a hard hat and a hammer? I worked my entire life building our company and our client base from the ground up, and in this economy, having a trade – something concrete that you can do to help others – it's a valuable thing," Glen pointed out, just as calmly as Jake had answered the question that Lorenzo had directed at him.

"Oh, no, pardon me Sir – I never meant to imply anything negative. My apologies if it came off that way," Lorenzo expertly said, before switching the topic of conversation to sports.

However, the episode never completely left Clare's mind that night…it reminded her so much of what Adam had said, and she knew that she would need to raise this topic of conversation with Lorenzo very soon.

After he had left and everyone had retreated to their rooms, Clare heard her mom knock on her door, and after being invited in, Helen sat on her daughter's bed and gently started,

"Well, Lorenzo is a nice boy, Clare. Very smart and accomplished, obviously. Shares your passion for literature – it's been a while since you found a boy who likes that," wanting to steer the conversation in a particular direction.

"He has his PhD," Clare proudly said, wanting to steer the conversation away from where Helen was taking it.

"Hm. Yes he does," Helen absent mindedly said, her mind being flooded with the image of a different boy; one who had stood on her front step with his dad a few years ago; his dad who was no longer alive now, Helen remembered sadly. She decided to just jump.

"Have you heard from Eli, Clare? Such a nice thing he did for you – traded positions so you could stay home. He must be all the way across Canada. Is he coming home for Christmas? I mean, without his parents, does he have…a reason to come home?" Helen asked.

"I don't talk to Eli, mom, I have no clue what his plans are," Clare stubbornly said.

"You don't keep in touch? Not even after the nice thing he did?" Helen pursued.

"I'm supposed to be like…tied to him forever because of that?" Clare burst out, Alli's words ringing in her mind.

"I never said such a thing, Clare," Helen remarked. "I just thought you would have kept in touch – just a hello here and there on that computer you're always on," she added.

"Well, we don't," Clare stated. "So, do you like Lorenzo?" she pursued.

"He's…he sounds like a nice boy," Helen awkwardly said.

"But what?" Clare asked, being able to detect the change in her mom's tone.

"Well…it's just that…he's kind of not – a _boy_. He's a grown man, Clare, twenty-eight years old. Are you sure you're ready to date someone like that?" Helen gently said.

"I'm not good enough for him?" Clare asked, pursing her lips.

"Now where on earth would you get something like that from what I have been saying?" Helen softly said, shaking her head.

She then continued, "I just meant…usually, when men approach their thirties, their priorities change. They expect things that come with a certain age, sweetheart. Serious boys – when they approach that age, they are starting to think about marriage, children – all of those things. You need to be sure you know what you are getting yourself into – because you, my dear, have not even graduated from college yet. Not to mention…there are…other expectations that come with the age that he is at. Other…things he might be expecting that you should _not_ be giving," Helen sternly said.

"It's not like that," Clare stubbornly said, despite the fact that she had never had this conversation with Lorenzo. But…in their more intimate touches, he had remained perfectly respectful, only slipping his hands under Clare's shirt when she had indicated to him that it was all right.

Nevertheless, as Clare tucked into bed that night, she rotated her ring with stress. Her mom had a point, and deep down inside Clare knew it. But...all Clare could think of was….did Lorenzo expect her to spend the night together with him soon? They had, after all been dating for over three months.

_ But…he hasn't said he loves me yet, _Clare thought.

_Surely that must come first. That can be some time to stall,_ Clare assured herself as she reasoned that she would ask Alli what she thought too. Just in case. _It was always good to have your best friend's perspective on this type of thing too. _

XXXXXXXXXX –**One month later-**

"Oh, take the baby – take her, I see him," Eli's aunt enthusiastically told her husband as she stood in the 'Arrivals' section of Toronto's Pearson International.

"Got her," Matt confirmed as Linda gently and patiently handed Mia over to her dad while Eli's aunt ran up and embraced him into a hug at once.

"Oh, baby boy, I'm so happy you're home! So good to see you! You're so skinny, Eli, God," Linda enumerated as Eli chuckled at her mile-a-minute word speed.

"Am not," Eli gently said. "It's good to see you too. I'm glad to be home, even if it's only for two weeks. Where's Mia, I'm dying to see her," he continued, spotting his uncle at that exact moment, and noticing that he had the tiniest pink bundle in his arms.

"Welcome home, Eli," Matt said as he approached his nephew and watched as a slow smirk spread over Eli's face as he took in Mia's tiny little pink face, her striking green eyes, and few wisps of sandy blonde hair.

"Oh my goodness, she's so pretty," Eli declared at once, making his aunt swell with pride. "So tiny," Eli said breathlessly – he knew Mia was a baby after all, but…she was _so_ tiny. He watched her little fingers clutch her pink blanker and he wondered how they wouldn't just break all of a second…they seemed so fragile.

"Want to hold her?" Matt offered.

"Oh, no, I've never held a baby before," Eli replied as he shook his head, a little afraid to hurt Mia.

"What?" Eli's aunt said at once with a look of incredulity etched across her face.

"Don't be silly, Eli – hold the baby," she said, gently taking Mia from her husband's arm and ever so slowly placing her in Eli's.

"It's not rocket science, just make sure you support her head," Linda expertly instructed as Mia's eyes widened a little at the transfer, and after a few soft coos, she settled into Eli's embrace with no tears or fuss.

"Hey," Eli softly said, "Hey, baby girl. I'm your cousin. Look at you, so pretty. So tiny and so pretty. So…perfect," Eli all but whispered as he held her closely.

"Okay, let's be on our way," Linda declared. "Eli, you okay to carry her to the car?" she asked.

"Of course," Eli stated.

"Do you want to stop at your house first, before we drive all the way to Hamilton?" Linda asked.

"No, it's okay, I'm going to come back to Toronto at the end of my break for a bit, remember? Let's just get on our way, Mia looks ready to fall asleep any minute now," Eli said.

Eli's aunt and uncle agreed, and within a few minutes, Eli was sitting in the back seat of their Nissan, looking at the snow piled up at the side of the road and finding the sight a bit odd, as well as the temperature. Back in Vancouver, there had been one day of snow before it was all washed away by the rain quickly.

As his uncle pulled onto the main road that would take them to Hamilton, Eli closed his eyes just for a minute and allowed himself to bask in the comfort of being in his home province. He then smiled softly as he saw his uncle pull into a Tim Hortons and order three double doubles and chocolate glazed donuts as he playfully said that coffee was the drink of the gods and what made him survive the past three months. After the pit stop, they were on the road again and soft rock music was playing from the speakers of the car – set at a low volume due to Mia's presence but there nevertheless – and Eli noticed his aunt dozing off, eventually falling onto her husband's shoulder, a few crumbs of baby biscuits caught up in her hair. He watched as his uncle didn't mind this at all - he just placed one arm around her and adjusted her so she would be resting comfortably in his embrace before placing a kiss on her forehead at a red light.

They got to Hamilton in perfect time, and Eli noticed that his aunt had adjusted the guest room with him clearly in mind; she had gotten a skull pillowcase and black sheets and he also noticed a new, empty bookcase and a variety of comic books that he had not had time to go get yet. As he collapsed into bed that night, he teared up when he realized that his aunt had really been a mom…for a long time now. But now she also got the joy of her own baby, and Eli could only hope that…someday, he would get the same privilege. His aunt and uncle reminded him _so much _of his parents, he thought as he brought the sheets closer to his chest and hoped he wouldn't have the nightmare again.

XXXXXXXXXXX –**The next morning-**

"What are you doing up so early, baby boy?" Eli's aunt asked him as she saw him sitting in the kitchen by the fireplace.

"Just…couldn't sleep," Eli softly said as his aunt placed a kiss on his forehead, taking him by surprise a little.

"What's wrong?" she asked at once, panic flooding her voice.

"Nothing, nothing. I really am having the best time here with you, aunt Linda. I was counting down the days for so long now," Eli honestly told his aunt.

"You know, Eli, I wish…I wish…I wish so much that you would talk to me," Linda said, and it was now Eli's turn to panic as he watched a tear fall from her eyes.

"What? Aunt Linda, what's wrong? I do talk to you – I love you," Eli plainly told her.

"I know, and I love you too. But I wish you would talk to me…the way you used to talk to your mom and dad. There's something bothering you, Eli, and I know it – I can tell. Does it have to do with work…with last summer? With next summer? Are you scared?" Linda gently asked.

"No, it's got nothing to do with that, Aunt Linda. I'm just...just being back in Ontario after being gone for so long is making me a little nervous about something, that's all," Eli said, not wanting to worry his aunt.

And then…his aunt did something that Eli never expected her to.

"It's…Clare, isn't it?" she softly breathed, and Eli widened his eyes in surprise, as he had never talked to his aunt about Clare.

"How do you know about that?" he asked in a soft tone.

"I…your mom, Eli. When she knew she was sick, she…told me about you and Clare, the whole story, just so that I would know. She said, just in case it comes up later in your life, just so I know," Linda softly admitted.

Eli couldn't find any words to utter in response, as he was a little emotional at the thought that his mom…she had looked out for him…even when she wasn't around anymore.

"I just…I know I shouldn't think about her, but I'm…afraid. I think…she might call me to have dinner – when I go back to Toronto, and I don't know if I should…go," Eli admitted.

"Why wouldn't you, baby boy? Don't you want to be friends with her?" Linda asked.

"I do, but…you should see the way _she looks at me_ these days, Aunt Linda. It's like a mixture between annoyance, fear, and…I don't even know. I just…I don't know how to make her happy. I don't know what she wants…and I tried – I tried so hard, trying to come up with things she would like, trying to tell her everything clearly, but…it never was quite good enough…" Eli trailed off.

"Oh, Eli. Don't be silly. If she calls you to have dinner with her, you go, and you pay – to be nice. That's something I've been meaning to talk to you about – I need to give you some money. But anyway, you go, you take her somewhere nice, and that's all there is to it. Don't overthink it to the point where it comes a paranoia. She's a girl and you're a boy, and you're just sharing a meal and you might or might not be friends. That's all there is to it. And listen to me, Eli," Linda told him, her tone getting a little bit stricter at the end of her address.

Eli raised an eyebrow in her direction, and she then continued, "Don't you _for one second _think that you don't deserve her time, or her attention. I know what happened, Eli, and I know it was complicated and tough – but you are just as good as that girl, Eli. Just as good. And _don't you lie to me_, Eli Goldsworthy, I know you think you're not. But you're wrong. You – you are the kindest, most caring, and most attentive boy that I know. You feel everything passionately and so fully because you are _your mother's son_, Eli – in _every wonderful_ way – you hear me?" Linda said as she held his shaking hands.

"Okay," Eli softly breathed as he locked his gaze with his aunt's.

"Well, now that that's settled, I'm gonna get breakfast started," Linda said with a smile, playfully adding, "Before my baby gets up and starts crying," and Eli laughed in response as he reached for a notepad and grabbed a pencil from nearby the phone.

"Is it okay if I…write a little on this?" he asked, after his aunt had returned –carrying Mia who had decided to wake up and begin crying after all.

"Of course," she said with a warm smile. "You writing me a story?" she playfully added.

"You bet," Eli answered with a smirk.

_…his footsteps feel final over the rattling pavement as he rushes to meet her. She jumps into his arms, confetti scattered everywhere, the pink and yellow remnants of the baby show spread out in a fan of glee and the fulfilment brought by a tiny miracle. She falls asleep in the seat beside him, little baby biscuit crumbs caught up in her hair – but he doesn't mind it; he keeps driving, flying on the wheels of steel. He's a little bit anxious, a little bit nervous, and the moment is all that they both can feel. _

_ …She leaves him sleeping as she rises early; she's always up before the dawn. The house is dark, but she sees clearly as the kettle sings a morning song. The bacon is frying and the baby is crying, and she soaks up the sights and sounds. The minutes turn to days and she wishes that she could slow it all down because she knows that…it won't be like this for long. One day they will both wake up and she will be a teenager, and at times they'll think she hates them, but then they'll walk her down the aisle and leave her there. _

_ …If oil is the soul of the engine, if grease is the soul of the kitchen, and coffee is the drink of the Gods, forgiveness the road to redemption, then faith can still beat the odds and time is a thief they would rob. And if hope is the soul of the dreamer, then it only takes one true believer to believe you can still beat the odds. _

_ 'We're meant to be, baby hold onto me – you'll never not be my girl,' he whispers to her right before they fall asleep. _

_ 'I'll never not be your girl,' she drowsily, but fully consciously whispers back. _

_ Because love…love is the heart…of the world. _

XXXXXXXXXXXX

"He's taking me to Little Miss Steaks so we can discuss how I'm going to help him with the article he's writing," Clare gushed as Jake coughed and exaggeratedly said,

"Ugh - gag me now," as he tried to find his black dress shirt in his slightly messy room - he was off on a date of his own with a very nice girl with whom Drew had set him up with.

"Jake – this is big news, I thought you would be happy for me, you know how hard I've been trying to get published, and now it's finally going to happen – I'm going to help Lorenzo from the very beginning to the very end of the research process – we'll be partners! And it's an academic journal article, so much more valuable than the fiction author's credit I already have," Clare explained.

"Oh yeah, I remember you wrote a story – that was one of the first things I learned about you once we reconnected. You ever gonna let me read it?" Jake asked as Clare deflated at once.

"_Not_ important – that story won't even matter once I get credit for this scholarly journal article. It's gonna be a lot of work, but I'm going to do it – I'm going to work so hard because I've wanted this for so long, and then my name will appear in print and it's going to be great," Clare enthusiastically said, making Jake happy with her joy.

"That's great and all, Clare, but do you really need this guy to do that? Why don't you write your own article?" Jake asked, victorious in finally finding the shirt he was looking for and sniffing it, wondering if it would be too late to ask Clare's mom to give it a quick wash.

"You _don't_ get it! That's not how it works in academic writing, you can't just up and decide you're gonna write something and have it published – you need someone with credentials. And I've got it; my boyfriend has his PhD," Clare said.

"Sure, I don't get it – I never went to do a proper degree, thanks, but I already got enough of that when Lorenzo came over for dinner. Like I said – gag me now," Jake repeated, pushing Clare out of his room as he didn't really want to hear her gushing over Lorenzo anymore.

As she made her way out, Jake yelled, "Have fun!" and then, just to get under her skin – because sometimes it was all too easy, Jake thought mischievously – he added the one thing that he knew would piss her off the most.

"_Be careful_ with your older loverboy!" and sure enough, he heard her groan in frustration as she was making her way down the hallway, leaving Jake chuckling in his room.

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

"…because God knows what that boy eats all by himself, or if he ever does, he's so skinny," Mrs. Torres was saying to her youngest son, expressing her displeasure with Eli's probable diet. Once Adam had told his mom about Eli's parents' death, Mrs. Torres' heart had ached for Eli, and she had always made sure to invite him for dinner many times, because if she didn't know how to do anything else – the one thing that she could do was to make sure that he got a proper dinner whenever she could ensure of such a thing. Mrs. Torres had also become even more respectful of Eli since he had let Adam live in his apartment while he was off at U of T, giving Adam's mom peace of mind as Adam had not had the best of experiences living in the male dorms on campus.

"Yeah, he's coming, I think that's him at the door," Adam responded in reference to his mom's suggestion that Eli come along with her, Adam and Drew for dinner at Little Miss Steaks.

Sure enough, Adam later discovered that it was indeed Eli who was at the door, and the two best friends were just as happy to see each other and caught up over the semester that they had not seen each other for as their mom finished getting ready. After a little while Drew also surfaced and talked to Eli for a bit, and as soon as Mrs. Torres was ready, she guided all 'her' boys as she referred to the trip affectionately into her van and peacefully drove the ten minutes to the restaurant. Her husband was away on a business trip, and she had decided to take the night off from cooking.

"Order whatever you want, guys," Mrs. Torres assured her boys once they were seated at a table, and after all the boys gave in their drink orders, she ordered a crantini for herself, deciding to reward herself at the end of a particularly hard work week.

"So, Eli, how's Vancouver these days? The last time I was there must be well over ten years ago," she said.

"It's cool. A little too rainy for my taste and there are too many squirrels that fly out of garbage can on campus, but overall, it's a nice city," Eli answered with a smirk after he noticed a look of confusion cross Drew's face at the description he had given.

"I'm hoping he doesn't get to love it over there so much in the next semester that he decides to ditch us all," Adam added.

"Not a chance," Eli answered, as he had realized a long time ago what his answer would be when the program director would ask him at the end of the year if he wanted to stay and finish out his degree at UBC.

"Good," Adam answered with a playful glare. Eli then saw his eyes widen as his gaze moved around the restaurant, and before Adam could come up with a clever little way to distract Eli…he saw it.

Lorenzo's hand was on Clare's lower back as he guided her into the booth, and just as Adam knew he would, he leaned in for a kiss before he went back to his own seat.

"Eli...dude –"Adam said, snapping Eli out of his trance and causing his gaze to return back to the company at his own table.

"Yeah?" Eli nonchalantly replied as their food just arrived, but his apparent indifference did nothing to fool his best friend.

"Everything okay?" Adam said in a low voice, not wanting to embarrass Eli by drawing attraction to this…situation.

"Never better," Eli answered a little too quickly for Adam's taste before he took a bite of his burger and spent the rest of the evening watching the bubbles in his Coke glass rise to the surface. He answered all of Mrs. Torres' questions politely, listened to Adam share stories of his co-op work placement at the radio station that Bullfrog used to work at, and listened to Drew's many accounts of life as a student athlete on the U of T football, soccer and basketball teams.

Mrs. Torres categorically refused Eli's attempts to let him pay for his own portion of his meal once the bill arrived, and she also insisted that they stay for dessert – a proposal that wasn't much with much resistance from the boys.

"Well, shall we?" she then asked once it was time to go, and Eli hated that there was no way out of the restaurant that would allow them to walk any different route than the one by Clare and Lorenzo's table.

Clare, for one, was a little too engrossed in her date and discussions of all the work she was going to do to help Lorenzo with his article to notice one of her close friend's family's presence in the restaurant.

"Isn't that Adam?" Lorenzo asked when he saw him, as Adam had been able to tolerate a few other hang out sessions with Lorenzo, purely for Clare's sake.

"Where?" Clare asked as she turned around.

"Right there baby," Lorenzo said, pulling Clare in for a quick kiss after pointing in the direction.

It was only after she pulled away from the kiss with a hint of redness on her cheeks that her eyes locked with Eli's for a fraction of a second before he broke the gaze and Clare saw him insert his hands into the pockets of his leather jacket.

"Yeah, it's him…and his family," Clare awkwardly stumbled as Lorenzo waved Adam over.

Adam however, just gave them a small wave and decided that he had put in enough time with Lorenzo for Clare's sake for the moment – just seeing him didn't really make Adam want to go over there, particularly when Eli wasn't in town for long and Adam just wanted to spend his time with his best friend.

Clare watched as Mrs. Torres and the three boys left the restaurant, and despite the fact that Lorenzo was now the one who had become engrossed about talking about plans for their journal article, she found that she couldn't shake the image of Eli looking at her out of her mind. He looked a little skinnier, Clare reasoned, and that leather jacket he was wearing was much too light for the cold Toronto winter.

_That's it, _she thought to herself with a shake of her head, and she sweetly said,

"I'll be right back, okay?" to a now confused Lorenzo who watched her get up and briskly walk outside the restaurant.

"Eli!" she called out as she saw him just about to head into Mrs. Torres' van.

Adam saw his best friend sigh painfully and move to head inside the car and immediately said,

"Just…go talk to her, dude. We'll be right here waiting for you," shooting his mom a perfectly convincing look.

"I can't find my keys anyway, Eli, take your time," Mrs. Torres told him, picking up on the suggestion in her son's look as Drew simply rolled his eyes, only being vaguely familiar with Eli and Clare's situation from the outside. Drew's perspective was a little more limited; his biggest interaction with Clare had been a cabin trip in which, in Drew's eyes, she had caused nothing but drama – and apparently she was doing the same thing now, but this time to Eli, who Drew thought was…not involved with Clare anymore.

"Okay," Eli hesitatingly said, and he walked over to Clare slowly, a blank look etched on his face.

"Hey," he said to her as he leaned back against the glass window of Little Miss Steaks and faced the street as Clare mirrored his movements, their gaze not meeting each other.

"Hi," she said in a soft tone. "So…you're in town for Christmas. How's Vancouver?" she asked.

"It's great," Eli answered at once.

"Really?" Clare asked, sounding just a bit incredulous.

"Yeah, really. UBC is a great school, the Creative Writing department is better than U of T's, and Vancouver had a much more relaxed pace than Toronto, and a bigger appreciation for music," Eli told her.

"Sounds like you like it there," Clare remarked.

"I do," Eli answered.

"Eli?" she then softly asked, vulnerability in her eyes as she turned around to face Eli. In the moment, Clare was horribly embarrassed and regretful of the fact that Eli had seen her with Lorenzo. She knew that Eli hadn't dated anyone after her –she had been able to piece together that Imogen and Eli had never become a proper couple, and now that she was dating one of Eli's best friends for so long, Clare correctly judged that there really was nothing there other than a friendship. And Clare didn't think that she would be convinced that Eli would properly be over her until she saw him at least attempt to date someone new. But for now, she just deeply regretted that…he had to see her with Lorenzo…kissing him too, so that there was no doubt as to who he was in her life.

"Yeah?" Eli replied, hoping that he'd be able to judge soon now what Clare wanted from him and give it to her, so he wouldn't have to stand here anymore. He knew that just standing here, looking at her, was hurting him. Imogen would tell him to get away now, he thought fondly. She'd tell him that he had a right to be happy too. She'd tell him that he had a right to walk away.

"I'm…sorry," Clare whispered out.

"What for?" Eli asked in confusion.

"For…not calling about dinner," Clare answered.

"Don't worry about that. You don't owe me anything, I don't actually expect us to have dinner together," Eli replied, his words and soft tone making Clare flinch in shame.

"Will you come in with me? Please, Eli, please?" Clare all but pleaded. "We haven't ordered yet, and we could all have dinner together – please, Eli, please," she continued.

She saw Eli shift his weight from one leg to another uncomfortably and it took him a second to reply, "I…don't think that would be a good idea. I should – I'm gonna go," Eli answered.

"Please – it would be so nice to catch up," Clare added, deep down knowing why Eli didn't want to have dinner with her…not like this.

"You don't have to do that, Clare," Eli repeated. "I just had dinner too," he said, wishing that he had thought of that excuse first.

"Then drinks? Just me and you, okay? Just me and you, we can sit at the bar for a few minutes – just the two of us, Lorenzo won't mind. Please, Eli, just sit and have a glass of wine with me – just me and you," Clare said, her eyes large and full of hope.

"You drink now?" Eli softly asked her, not meaning to sound so point-blank, but the surprise of it catching him by surprise.

Clare responded with a shrug and justified herself, "Yeah…Lorenzo got me started. He's…from Italy, really likes his wine," she explained as Eli nodded and shrugged his shoulders as well, wondering if there were other things that Lorenzo was also getting Clare started on. He wanted to steal a glance at her ring finger, but her hands were inserted into her jean jacket pockets.

"Cool," was all he chose to say in response, which Clare misinterpreted at once.

"Okay, then, let's go," she said as she exhaled deeply.

"Oh – no," Eli said, realizing that he had been a little confusing with his 'cool' declaration, "I can't…I don't drink, Clare," he told her.

"What? Why not?" Clare asked him skeptically. That had been the last thing she expected Eli to say – she had seen him have a beer with Bullfrog back when they were dating, and now all of a sudden he didn't drink anymore?

"I can't – for work. We have some terms in these contracts we sign, and my friend Daniel who's gonna be a lawyer assures me the contracts we sign are iron-clad. I'm not on duty during the school year, but it's a lot easier if I sort of…keep the same lifestyle until I'm off contract forever, then I won't miss it so much when I am on duty," Eli explained.

"What?" Clare asked in confusion. "Just what is it that you do exactly?" she asked, realizing that she didn't actually know what Eli's job was.

"I work for the government; I just do some writing for them, that's all," Eli modestly said.

"And you can't have a glass of wine? You're not making any sense, Eli," Clare said sharply, and those words horrified Eli at once. He wasn't trying to play any games with her, and he hated that that had been the first judgement she had made.

"I can't have a glass of wine because…we have these rules," he continued.

"I don't understand," Clare shot back.

"I work for…the Department of National Defense, Clare," Eli said.

"It still makes no sense, Eli," Clare replied.

"I'm in the forces. The Canadian forces. The army," Eli finally said, not wanting to share his profession with Clare because he knew she would misunderstand what the Canadian forces actually did – like almost everyone seemed to these days – and judge that of course he headed for the job that would allow him – encourage, actually – to fight.

"You…what?" Clare asked, as if physical blow had been delivered to her.

"I'm in the forces. And we can't drink, so I haven't had a drink since the night before I went to Ottawa for training. It's pretty funny, actually – the guys that go abroad say that their favourite thing to get in care packages is liquor-filled chocolates, because those _are_ allowed," Eli explained with a smirk.

"You…like have a gun? Shoot at people?" Clare asked in horror, and Eli knew that she was afraid…that he would go crazy one day and shoot up everything and everyone he knew.

"Not exactly. I've never left Ottawa; I write grants and things, has to do more with Human Resources. Anyway, I should be on my way, I don't want to keep Adam waiting forever – hell has no fury like an angry Mrs. Torres, believe me," Eli said, feeling completely drained and modestly providing a description of his job that really did no justice to what he did; leaving Clare unable to draw the conclusion that…Eli's writing and the particular uses to which it was put…saved people.

"Please come inside, Eli, please, and come eat with us," Clare attempted one last time.

"I…I can't. And besides, that guy hates me," Eli said, completely surprising, and slightly irritating Clare.

"He doesn't know about you," she quickly shot back.

"Oh, I didn't mean that he'd know about me…because of you. He was one of the TAs for an English class I had in first year. Gave me a 78% on a paper without any explanation why – all he wrote on my paper was the grade. Kind of made me wonder if he even read it or if he just gave me the class average kind of thing. So then I went to my prof's office hour, just to understand why all of a sudden my writing dropped like fifteen percentages – and the prof ended up reading my paper herself and raising the grade by ten percent. Seeing as you and I both know profs wouldn't like that from a TA, I'm assuming he got disciplined or something - so… I don't think I'm necessarily who he wants to have dinner with," Eli said, shocking Clare when she realized that…Eli sort of knew Lorenzo…and what his job was.

"Oh," Clare squeaked out, still reeling a bit from all the information she had just found out.

"I…well, we don't know that he hates you for a fact, just come in," Clare persisted.

"Yeah…I kind of don't want to stick around to find out," Eli said with a smirk.

Clare didn't know what to say anymore, and a minute of pressing silence passed between the two as Eli took a step away from her. It was a few more minutes of leaning against the restaurant window and staring at the passing cars before Eli softly spoke.

"Is he good to you?" he asked.

"Yes," Clare softly replied.

"Makes you happy?" Eli continued.

"Yes," Clare repeated her voice barely above a whisper.

"That's good, Clare. I'm really happy for you," Eli confidently said as he moved so he could meet Clare's gaze.

"Please come inside and have a Coke with me at the bar," Clare pushed.

"I…really should get going. I'm gonna head back to Vancouver tomorrow, gotta pack," Eli said, deciding right then and there that he'd rather spend the remaining days of winter vacation in Vancouver – he needed to get started on his thesis anyway; his double major and work commitment for the summer resulted in him having an accelerated, modified schedule. Campus would be nice and quiet and not its usual busy storm anyway, he reasoned.

"You're going back so early? There's still a week left," Clare pointed out.

"Think I'll fly out tomorrow," Eli replied. "Have a good – actually, wait, can I tell you something?"

"Of course," Clare replied.

"I know you'll probably get mad at me once I say this, but just bear with me, okay?" Eli asked.

"I won't get mad at you," Clare said, wondering what on earth Eli planned on telling her.

"Just…you might want to be careful. Keep in mind that if…it becomes well known –" Eli started, and he saw Clare rigidly straighten her jacket as she replied,

"It's not prohibited, you know. It never says anywhere that he can't be my boyfriend," she said, repeating what Lorenzo had said to her.

"Well, even if it doesn't," Eli persisted. "If something happens and it becomes an issue…he's got a professor that he's close with, that he works for and that he helps as his research assistant – someone who will stand up for him. And his prof is probably the head of the department – he taught my class, the one Lorenzo TAed in. We are just undergrads, we don't have anyone to back us up. Just…something to keep in mind," Eli advised Clare, correctly figuring that no one else had told her this.

"Well, that's not gonna happen," Clare stubbornly said.

"Okay then," Eli said with a small smirk. "I…should get going. Bye, Clare," he continued, looking right at her.

"Bye," she softly replied, and Eli turned around and walked away, wishing he could jump on that plane tonight as opposed to even tomorrow morning.


	6. Author's Note

Hi everyone,

I hate these notes but I felt like it was necessary to let you know my thoughts.

I am tearing up as I am writing this.

I had big plans for this story; big things were gonna happen that would relate to the real world and I was so excited about it. But now…I'm not sure I can finish it, and I definitely need a break from it, because right now I can't possible imagine Clare and Eli belonging together.

Writing chapters of my typical lengths takes a lot of effort and time, and most importantly, a belief in what I'm writing. I don't have that belief anymore.

I got plenty of mean messages about my thoughts on Eli/Clare/EClare/Jake/Cake.

She is not the Clare I love anymore. I was patient; after DTW and in NON somewhat.

But Nowhere to Run was just about the worst thing ever. This is no longer a girl who is under stress and acting strangely. This is who she is now. I don't care about the Eli stuff in NON; he made it hard for Clare like he often did. But Clare's selfishness in regards to her mom – and I believe the worst is yet to come once her mom finds out that she's been sneaking around with Jake – just completely turned me off of her.

Why am I being force-fed Cake? None of their issues resolved, they were only exacerbated by the wedding if anything. Jake smokes pot more than likely and he doesn't know about Clare's vow, and…below is an angry Tumblr post that I wrote with what I think we're headed towards.

I tried to write my one-shot, but I physically CANNOT write 'Eli' and 'Clare' in the same sentence.

Why?

Because I so so so so strongly believe that Eli and Clare should NEVER get back together. They should not even talk.

Jake will play Clare in a second once he gets what he wants (to win Clare over, which was so easy - just say it was Alli's fault! Entirely Alli's fault, and the girl will believe it). Clare is convenient - she's in the next room, easy to get some - and Jake doesn't like rejection.

Clare is, under all her layers of denial, deeply INSECURE about Jake's loyalty for her - "Oh, Marisol? Yeah, yeah, I do need to get up there," and she should be. Jake will do whatever he wants - as he has already proven.

But he will do whatever he wants after he has gotten something from Clare; they are so having sex. That was what last night was; the set-up for it. The endless love talk (which applied to Glen and Helen indeed, but NOT to the two teenage fools) so it can be justified in Clare's delusional mind, and THAT LAST BED SCENE spelled it out clearly. Silly grin on Clare's face and the SNEAKING AROUND THEIR PARENTS' BACK.

Guarantee you when Helen and Glen are out once, they will get carried away, none of them will think about protection, and who knows. Maybe she'll get pregnant and they can finally do the abortion/religion line they said two years ago they want to do eventually, or they'll get away with it miraculously (that wouldn't happen in real life FYI. One time is definitely enough to get pregnant).

And Jake isn't gonna stick around for that mess (KC freaked out and he really loved Jenna), and I wonder who Clare will go running to. You know, he saved her yesterday and will do so .time she's in trouble, even if most of the time it is pure torture to be around Cake, I'm sure.

I just want Eli to stop interacting with Clare now. She's a girl who has caused him so much hurt and to who, in retrospect, he was an excellent boyfriend. I don't think Eli was all that bad to her, I don't care if he went manic at the end, he would never kiss Alli or hurt Clare in any way. Sure, he kissed Imogen, but that was way after Clare was sucking face with Jake. Jake looked pretty into that Alli kiss to me, and it kind of undermined what he had just said after not kissing any other girls. Really, you didn't Jake? Hm. All right then, benefit of the doubt.

Either you forgive both Jake and Alli, or neither. But of course Clare stayed mad at Alli, who made a point earlier about CLare being self-centred. I know Eli made you the centre of the universe, sweetheart, but the truth is that you JUST ARE NOT. But don't worry, I'm sure Jake will help you understand that sooner or later.

I HATE that Clare seems to have no problem or feel any remorse over playing with Eli's mind ('oh is it weird to be glad you're the one to find me?" think it, but don't say it to him clare. his face lit up and it's not fair to do that to him. if jake hadn't come and she had kissed him, it would have messed eli up to the point of tears, self-doubt and a helplessness so deep that he would have retreated back into his shell, making it hard for his therapist to pull him out of that quickly).

I want him to meet a smart, pretty girl who appreciates him for the mature and intelligent and loyal boy he is.

There is NO doubt in my mind that Eli can stand on a border and look out into the unknown, and step out on his own. Actually, he has already done this. There is a new horizon now possible for him, writers, and I really hope you take it. It's time to show us just how far Eli can go, that his life can be normal.

I'm certain that Eli will face the world around him, being strong enough to know that he can let Clare go.

It's time for Eli to no longer let fear and hesitancy and the past hold him back.

It's time for Eli to fall in love again. Because he can.

Because he loves so well, and so respectfully, and deeply and so maturely that it would a shame for a deserving girl not to receive that love. Eli is ready to date again now, whoever he chooses, and whoever chooses him back.

It's time to show that a boy who has deeply hurt and who has faced so much tragedy can find his peace with the world.

Bottom line is, there's plenty of Jakes in the world.

Not so many ELis.

Girls are stupid.

They choose the Jakes because they look good shirt less and say all the right words at the right time, despite the fact that they do all the wrong things.

But as Eli has figured out, actions speak louder than words.

And there is NO DOUBT IN MY MIND CLARE WILL BE IN MAJOR TROUBLE SOON. There will be no one to catch her. I don't want Eli to. He needs, at that point, to be immersed in his own happy relationship that he has created for himself.

It's time for Eli to fall in love again.

Because he can.

Thank you to all of those who have read my stories and supported me. You bring me so much happiness and don't hesitate to ever talk to me. I'm not sure what my future in Fanfiction will be.

Twitter: westcoasttrees1 Tumblr: westcoasttrees


	7. Cold as Stone

**Hi lovely readers, **

**I feel guilty not finishing my story. I'm gonna try to take this one step at a time, okay? Please let me know what you think in a review so I can keep my spirits up. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi.**

"Isn't that Eli?" Helen Edwards asked her step-son as they were walking along Dundas Street downtown; Jake had been invited to a wedding and he needed a new suit, a task that Helen had declared she would gladly help him with.

"Yeah, that's him," Jake said with a small nod, not exactly being the biggest fan of Eli. He had watched Eli calm down significantly over the last year that the two boys shared in high school together, but Jake always thought that Eli had a trigger that was easy to set off, and when he remembered his behaviour around 'Love Roulette,' he sometimes wondered how Eli was allowed to go to a public school, and not have to be in some sort of institution. And now…looking at Eli he was surprised all over again.

Eli was walking right towards them, but he was reading a set of papers that were in his hand, and he didn't look up until he heard Helen politely say,

"Hi, Eli!" and Jake watched as Eli's eyes widened upon seeing him and Clare's mom and he became visibly…just a little embarrassed.

"Hi ma'am. Hey Jake," Eli responded as his grip on his papers became just a bit tighter. He also wasn't sure if Clare's mom had taken Jake's dad's last name, and he chose the more generic term as to not offend her.

"Well, I had no idea about this, Eli," Helen said with a warm smile as she gestured to what Eli was wearing. His…armed forces uniform. He had tried to find a flight back out to Vancouver for the next day, and it had turned out that a military plane was heading out to Vancouver – and due to his increase in rank as he had passed his principles and operations exam, he could now hitch a ride for free. However, as it was a combatant plane, Eli knew that meant he would have to wear his uniform, and so he did – just making his way to the streetcar at Dundas and York when he has run into Helen and Jake.

"Yeah…a bit of a new development," Eli said with a small shrug, and Helen understood everything at once. She knew…why many boys joined the forces, and when she remembered the particularities of Eli's situation, her heart broke for him.

"Eli," she gently started, "I…my condolences," she softly told him.

"Thank you, ma'am," Eli said uncomfortably.

"How you holding up?" Helen asked.

"It was two years and seven months ago," Eli responded, and his precision in the time expression only made Helen even more sad. "Miss them every single day," Eli said as his gaze fell to the ground. "But I'm okay," he added optimistically as Jake grew even more uncomfortable.

"Well, it's a good career choice, Eli, but…what about your school? I thought you were at UBC," Helen curiously asked.

"Oh, no, no," Eli quickly clarified, "I am – that's…a major reason why I did this," Eli explained. "I'm on contract with the forces; I work for them a writer of sorts, working on grants and reports. It was a good arrangement…they sort of, take care of my school and such," Eli explained.

"Perfect," Helen declared as she only felt sorrier for Eli. She knew she had the education funds required for Clare to go as far into her schooling as she chose to - and she only kept adding to them as she kept working, as did Clare's father. But…Eli…he had been left all on his own with this task, and it became a little clear to Helen that he had tried to do the best that he could.

"Where are you going?" she softly asked, afraid Eli's answer would be a country in the Middle East. It had been two relatively peaceful years since the large retraction of Canadian forces out of Afghanistan, but the news had recently been telling Helen that a political coup d'état was about to take place, one that would likely lead to a complex humanitarian emergency.

The words 'complex humanitarian emergency' were ones that Eli's mind was all too familiar with – they made up a large majority of every single thing that he wrote.

"Just catching a ride back to Vancouver, ma'am – on a forces flight. I'm heading back out for my final semester at UBC, but this is kind of just a nice way to get there. Fast and free of charge," Eli justified.

Jake then added, "Eli – I never really had you down for the army type, you know," with a smile.

"Really?" Eli asked with a smirk and a raised eyebrow, making a playful reference to the anger he had shown towards Jake many times in high school.

Jake laughed in response, and Helen was happy to see the two boys interact so nicely.

"I've actually thought about this line of work myself, but I don't have a degree or anything like that," Jake modestly said, Lorenzo's stinging words still haunting his mind.

"What? That's ridiculous, are you kidding me? You would be so much more valuable to the forces than me – all I do is write. You can actually like…make things, Jake. The levels of infrastructure Canadian forces provide – and need to provide – on missions is outstanding. They'd consider having you quite the prize," Eli told Jake at once.

Jake smiled back and thought that maybe Lorenzo didn't know what he was talking about, after all.

Eli then flashed Jake a small, sad smirk and said, "But…please, don't. Don't come into this line of work," and the way he cast his eyes down at the ground once again made Jake curious, so he asked,

"Why not?"

"Because…word on the street is that Canada's going to do some major deployment soon – with all that stuff happening in Afghanistan, Yemen, Iraq, Somalia, Darfur – everywhere we operate really," Eli replied, and his use of 'we' took Helen a little aback. "If you enlist…you're going to get sent abroad. And…it would kill Clare," Eli softly said, locking his gaze with Jake's.

"Oh," Jake simply replied. "I never meant to – just something I thought about. But I really like being a carpenter, just got my business certificate too," Jake continued.

Eli then smiled a bright smile in his direction, and said, "Okay. That's awesome," but Helen was still thinking about what Eli had said.

"How's that going to work with your school, Eli? If you'll get deployed?" she asked.

"Just put on hold while I'm away. I owe the army so much time, you see," Eli explained, wanting to be ambiguous because he could tell that Helen was starting to…worry?

"I should get going – if I miss this flight, I'll have to deal with Air Canada again, and I'd rather cut off an ear," Eli joked.

"Good luck, man," Jake said.

"Nice to see you Eli – and that uniform is a trip, you know," Helen playfully said, straightening Eli's left lapel much like a mother would, and noticing the Latin word 'veritas' embroidered on his shoulder.

Eli flashed her a huge smirk and said, "Nice to see you too ma'am. Bye Jake," and he was off on his way, trying not to think of the next time when he would board a forces plane in his uniform.

He was just a writer, right? They wouldn't need him, right? Not abroad anyway, he tried to tell himself. But deep down inside, he knew. He knew that because of the work that he did – precisely because of it, he would be needed. He knew he should get on the list for basic combat training anyway, writer or no writer.

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

"That girl is bad news for Eli," Audra Torres strictly said as she handed her youngest son a cup of hot chocolate as she tried to extract the details of the encounter between Eli and Clare that had occurred before Eli had all of a sudden decided he was going back to Vancouver early.

"You know, what, mom? I kind of agree, and her boyfriend is gross – I hate that Eli had to see him," Adam replied, getting a little sick of Lorenzo now.

"I've already told you that boy is not welcome in our house after what you told me about him always making you feel uncomfortable with his never-ending talk of the right way to be transgender. As if _he_ knows," Mrs. Torres bitterly shot.

"It's just a bummer that Eli left, that's all," Adam said as he was flipping channels.

"Woah, what's that?" Mrs. Torres asked as she settled in beside her son and caught a glimpse of CNN.

"Just Afghanistan stuff," Adam absent-mindedly said.

"Getting worse and worse over there – thought we finally settled all of that two years ago," Mrs. Torres absent mindedly said.

"Yeah, I don't know," Adam replied.

"What did she want from him anyway?" Mrs. Torres asked, getting back to her earlier conversation.

"To have dinner with her and Lorenzo," Adam replied.

"That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard – why would Eli want to do that? Adam, you need to help that boy move on," Mrs. Torres said.

"He has…moved on. He used to be really bad, mom. But…I just think he'll always love Clare, that's all," Adam defended Eli.

"Boy – it really is true – girls are blind," Mrs. Torres said, shaking her head. "Adam, I gave this some thought last night – I know you want to go over and visit Vancouver while Eli is over there, and you're running out of time seeing how it's his last semester. There's a week before his classes start and yours as well – I could give you the money for a plane ticket, you know," Mrs. Torres kindly said.

"Really, mom?" Adam asked incredulously.

"Sure. I know you miss your friend – and of course, to make Clare happy, Eli up and went to the opposite end of the country so she could stay here," Mrs. Torres said bitterly. "Anyway," she continued, "come on. Let's check out some flights – there's a plane from Toronto to Vancouver every hour, so I bet we could find one for tomorrow," Mrs. Torres said as Adam's entire face lit up.

He spent the rest of the night packing and making plans with Eli on the phone as to what they would see once he came into town.

XXXXXXXXXXX

"Clare, did you know Eli was in the armed forces?" Helen asked her daughter as Clare was leafing through a magazine on the couch and Jake and his dad were upstairs.

She didn't like the stubborn look that came across her daughter's face at the mere mention of Eli's name.

"I did. I just found out last night. What does this have to do with me, mom?" Clare asked.

"Clare…it's like…sometimes…I wonder where this comes from," Helen gently started.

"Where what comes from?" Clare asked.

"This…mean streak. I don't understand what Eli has ever done to you to make you react this way," Helen blurted out, because she wanted to have a much-needed conversation with Clare after she had noticed that Lorenzo – whose existence Helen was only aware of thanks to Jake in the first place – wasn't going anywhere.

"You don't understand what he did? He crashed his hearse into a wall and he manipulated me? It was his fault, mom! All of it. It was all his fault, and that wasn't even the end of it. Then he went and wrote that crazy play," Clare shouted.

"He's a little…different these days, Clare, I think," Helen gently said.

"He's still bipolar," Clare shot venomously and Helen gasped.

"Eli's…bipolar?" she asked, and Clare nodded stubbornly. "Oh. Well, that explains the hearse-crashing in a moment of stress," Helen said. "Was he…not taking his medication that night?" she asked.

"He didn't know he was bipolar…until after the play, I don't think, according to Adam," Clare said, burying her nose in her magazine.

"Oh, well, then there you go," Helen said, figuring that everything made sense.

"Clare…I'm going to put my foot down, you know. I don't want you to see Lorenzo anymore," Helen sternly said, and Clare immediately flashed her mom a look of daggers.

"Well, that's not up to you," she said daringly, and stomped up the stairs to her room. Her mom came in in a flash, however.

"He is twenty-eight years old and your Teaching Assistant, Clare Diana Edwards. And I could get over the age, and maybe even the fact that he is a TA, but…I met him. Clare, he's not a good boy. He is in fact, the most dangerous type of boy there is. He's making your head spin with all the right words, but I don't like him," Helen flat-out said. "It ends now," she added.

"He loves me, mom! He said so!" Clare shouted, the words coming across to Jake's bedroom and making him flinch in shame and guilt.

A few minutes later, Jake also entered and softly said, "Clare…guys…say that sometimes, because we know it's what girls want to hear," hanging his head.

"Like _you_ said to me on the cabin trip?" Clare asked.

"No – I did – I did love you, Clare. But…you knew we were all wrong for each other, and so did I," Jake said as Helen made a face at both of them.

"I was willing to make us work Jake – that's why I said I love you too, but _you_ walked away from that obligation," Clare shot bitterly.

"Jesus, Clare, why don't you understand still? Sure, I loved you – but then I stopped. I just…didn't love you anymore," Jake explained.

"That's messed up, Jake, and you know it!" Clare shouted, her eyes flashing with fury as Jake took a step back from her and Helen watched her daughter get more and more agitated.

Clare breathlessly continued, "When you love someone…you give it _everything_ you've got – and you don't think twice. Love…lasts for ever, Jake. It doesn't just end!" she accused.

"Get over yourself, Clare. Lorenzo doesn't love you, and that sure as hell won't last for ever," Jake pointed out, wondering how Clare could be so blind.

"He does and it _will," _Clare stubbornly said.

"You'd better not do with him what you thought about doing with me –"Jake started, but he cut himself off when he saw Helen's eyes widen at once, and her eyes scanned Clare up and down.

"Jake, get out," she whispered in horror, and Jake knew that it was time to go, and he made his way out with a face as red as a crab.

"Clare Diana Edwards. You will answer my question," Helen sternly said as she grabbed Clare's arm and sat her down on her bed. "Are you still a virgin?" Helen asked with tears of horror in her eyes.

All Clare could do was nod embarrassingly.

"You…were going to sleep with Jake. With your brother, Clare! When Glen and I found out you were sneaking around behind out back and had not broken up like you told me you had – we were furious; for the lying more than anything else. Do I need to put a lock on your door in case you and Jake change your minds?" Helen asked in fury.

"I don't love Jake anymore!" Clare bitterly shot.

"Oh, Clare," Helen said, her voice laced with disappointment. "Don't be stupid," she added.

"Jake – God knows I love him – he's too young to know the meaning of love. And that Lorenzo of yours – Jake is reading him correctly, you know. He's only going to leave you out in the cold, Clare," Helen gently said.

"He _loves _me, mom. He _said so_," Clare said, tears now invading her eyes.

"Does he know about your vow?" Helen asked, and it took Clare a minute to shake her head in shame.

"You need to break up with him," Helen repeated.

"I'm not going to do that! He's the one guy – the one guy mom," Clare said with a sob "who won't disappoint me. He loves me, and I love him, and it's perfect, and I'm not going to let anyone or anything get in the middle of us. Not our ages, which are just a number, not his job, which doesn't even matter anyway, and not what you and Jake say," Clare stubbornly said.

She then added, "I _finally _have something good, mom. Finally! I have someone who I love and who loves me back and won't hurt me. I can work with him - we're writing that article together and I'm going to be published, mom! He's the one guy who really cares about me and loves me for who I am," she finished.

Helen locked her gaze with her daughter's for what seemed like an eternity to Clare. Her voice was low and hoarse when she did speak. Her words brought goose bumps to Clare's skin.

"_You're wrong_, Clare. The _one_ boy who _really_ cares about you gave up his own happiness to make sure you could stay at home this year. He moved halfway across the country so you could be happy, and he joined the armed forces so he could afford to do such a thing. And in return…you judge him by the sick sixteen year old that he was once. All that stuff you said – about how when you're love you give it everything you've got and you don't think twice – does that sound familiar, Clare?" Helen asked.

"I don't love Eli," Clare determinedly said. "And it's not my fault he's too obsessed with me to let me go. I don't owe him anything - he said so himself," Clare stubbornly admitted.

"Oh, Clare," Helen sighed in disappointment, walking to the door and holding it open. Just before she was getting ready to walk through it, however, she around and sadly told her daughter,

"You'll lose him, you know. He isn't going to wait around forever. One of these days, a pretty girl will find him and recognize him for what he's worth and she'll making him feel better, Clare. He doesn't have to spend his entire life crying over you – he's made it up to you a thousand times over now, Clare. He's growing up into the kind of man I always wanted you to marry. But you'll lose him. And for what, Clare? For your stubborn pride? For a boy who will dump you so fast and make you the laughing stock of the university once words gets out," Helen said, knowing she was bring cruel for bearing it because she knew how far gone Clare was.

"You'll lose him. You think…Eli can never love again," Helen intelligently said. "But just watch, Clare. Eli will fall in love again. Because he can. And when he does, you won't have any right to go back to him. So you'd better think about what you're doing – or you'll make the same mistake I did," Helen confessed, causing Clare's gaze to fix on her mom.

"I…dated Glen when we were young – I was exactly your age now, come to think of it. We quarrelled, of course, and I never forgave him – I wanted to, but I was stubborn. By the time I realized my mistake, he had met Jake's mom already. But we were lucky – we found our way back to each other. Only now do I know how rare that is. If you don't start thinking, Clare, it'll be too late. If Eli finds another girl who loves him and who he loves back, he won't break her heart. You know he won't. You'll lose him, Clare," Helen repeated, leaving Clare flabbergasted before she closed the door.

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

"And – take that!" Arizona shouted playfully as she delivered a fatal blow to Adam's avatar.

"What the hell! Girls are supposed to be at video games!" Adam teased playfully, and Arizona just stuck her tongue out at him playfully. "Sucks that it's your last night," she added.

"I know," Adam replied, "But I also think that I can't possibly do any more walking or I'm gonna completely and totally pass out," Adam shot back, adding, "Pretty sure I've seen every corner of Vancouver – and West Van," in a teasing tone as Arizona's freckled cheeks gained a deep blush.

"That's what we get for hanging out with the tour master extraordinaire herself," Eli added as he surfaced from his kitchen with a refilled bowl of popcorn, making Adam laugh and Arizona playfully slap his shoulder in response as Adam narrowed his eyes at the two of them.

"I'm gonna get going," Arizona said with a small yawn, "I have work really early tomorrow – gotta do some tours for the exchange students coming for the second semester," she justified.

Eli took a look outside the window and seeing how it was dark, he replied, "I'll walk you home," with a small smile in her direction.

"You don't have to do that, Eli, I'll be fine –" Arizona started, but Eli gently cut her off.

"I want to, come on, now," Eli said reassuringly, and she gave in at once.

"Adam, coming dude? It's only five blocks," Eli added.

"No thanks, I've been walked out enough on this crazy coast," Adam joked back as he collapsed onto the cough in Eli's apartment.

Just ten minutes later, Eli returned to a very interrogative Adam.

"Dude, she's really hot. And she likes you. Go for it," he said, hoping he was not being too forward.

"It's not like that ," Eli replied at once. "We just friends," he added.

"She wants more, Eli. It's written all over her face," Adam said.

"I'm not what she needs, Adam, trust me. Arizona needs…a hero," Eli said, making Adam wonder what he meant. "There's something…wrong with her," Eli continued.

"What do you mean?" Adam asked curiously.

"She's so bubbly and happy and energetic and kind…but…sometimes when we're doing work and she has her music on, or when we are waiting in between appointments at the Tutoring Centre, this…wave of sadness comes over her, and she always brushes it away instantly whenever she sees me staring. She doesn't want me to know, and I'm not going to push until she's ready to tell me," Eli asserted.

"What do you think is wrong with her? Is she sick or something?" Adam asked.

"I don't think that's it. I think she's just sad about something, that's all. I don't know. It's kind of like when people ask me that question in reference to myself – I can't give them an answer," Eli said, confusing Adam a little.

"Really? I got a few guesses," Adam said emphatically.

"Just let us be. We're friends, and good ones at that. There's no reason to complicate things," Eli deadpanned.

"All right then," Adam gave in. "Just make sure you have her back," he advised.

"Of course. She's my closest friend out here, and she's been nothing but extremely helpful and kind with me," Eli said sleepily before he headed into his bedroom while Adam crashed on the couch.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"That was sad," Arizona declared once Eli and her got back to campus and were working on a workshop on Academic Writing that their boss had asked to give to a group of first year students on behalf of the Writing Centre.

"I know, I wish he didn't have to go either," Eli said, being sad at Adam's departure.

"Hey, Eli, are you going to have to go abroad with the Forces soon…because of all that stuff happening?" Arizona nervously asked as she rearranged three slides that Eli pointed out would make more sense in another part of the presentation.

"Hope not, but you never know. I mean, it would probably happen soon – me being told at least," Eli said.

"Well, you know my mom is a human rights lawyer, maybe she could get you out of it somehow – she does a lot of work with the Department of National Defence –" Arizona gently started.

"Arizona," Eli warmly said, shooting her a warm glance. "Please don't worry about that – I've made a commitment and there is no way that I want to get out of it. I made a promise, and I need to keep it. Besides, I'm just a writer," Eli added with a smirk and wink that made Arizona giggle loudly.

"Okay, then – hey, so the PowerPoint is all done, I believe we are ready to present the hell out of this baby," Arizona said with her perfect confidence, and after Eli and her ran through the entire project once, she began to pack up her laptop and the two of them walked out of the tables section of UBC's Student Union Building and headed towards its front doors when Eli heard Arizona let out a scared little scream and he felt her arms grip the sides of his biceps from behind.

"Oh my God, Eli, hide me, hide me, Oh my God," she whispered as she tried to hide behind him, grateful that Eli was just a little bit taller than her.

"Um, what's going on?" Eli said, turning his head towards her, and making her squeal in worry when she realized her face would be exposed. Eli's eyes widened when he saw Arizona dive under the nearest table and begin to crawl under the rows of tables in an attempt to reach the door leading out of the SUB.

It was only after hearing a confused, "Arizona?" that Eli registered the tall, dark and handsome guy that seemed to be about his own age, and the brown haired pretty girl at his side.

"Found it!" Eli then heard Arizona embarrassingly say as she picked up a penny off the floor that Eli knew was just a lucky coincidence, and a not-so-successful-attempt of Arizona's at saving face.

She held up the penny shyly and came back to Eli's side as the boy and girl faced opposite of them.

"So….umm…how do you all know each other?" Eli awkwardly asked, being surprised that it was up to him to fill the awkward silence – Arizona, normally the master at conversation and making everyone feel included, was staring at her cowboy boots as if they were the most interesting thing on earth.

"Oh we – um –," the boy began to say, and Eli then saw the girl that was with him run her hand through her flowing chocolate brown hair once before interlocking her fingers with those of the boy.

"We're all old friends," she answered with perfect confidence as Eli noticed that her much-too-bright-red lipstick had smeared onto her teeth.

He then felt Arizona's body tense up beside him as she seemed to recover all her powers at once and she began, "Oh, it's a lovely story – let me tell it. Let me," she said, making an emphatic gesture with her hands.

"You see, Eli – Aiden here was my high school and first year boyfriend. And on the night of our engagement – he asked me so early because apparently it was time, and like a stupid girl I believed it – I found him making out with Wendy here. In my car!" Arizona said explosively. She then took in a breath, flashed them her most perfect tour-guide smile and said, "I think that about covers all the high points. Did I leave anything out?" and Eli's eyes widened in shock as Aiden and Wendy both looked down at the ground.

Arizona then exhaled deeply and felt Eli's arm wrap around her shoulders, catching her by surprise at once.

"Let's go, Arizona," he gently said, before he added, "I have nothing to say to those guys," shooting them a glare as he guided her out of the Student Union Building.

XXXXXXXXXXXX

"…and you never drove again," Eli sadly said as he tucked Arizona into her bed. She had only taken off her boots, but Eli thought that was for the best – he might have been a little out of his senses after the detour they took, but he knew he wasn't about to let himself get carried away and possibly hurt Arizona by giving her the wrong idea.

The girl was a mess. She had opted to drink five beers after the little encounter they just had, and out of sympathy and own desperation in light of his Clare-Lorenzo encounter, Eli had decided to let it all go to hell as he also downed three beers, knowing it might be years before he'd get that privilege again if the forces really did ask him to go abroad.

"I…I'm a stupid girl, and I know it. Did you know that she even threw my wedding shower for me? She even took the time to freeze little raspberries in the ice cubes – that should have tipped me off right there; she was trying too hard. It's a good thing I didn't marry him," Arizona said with tears in her eyes that were breaking Eli's heart.

"He looked good," Arizona began.

"No, no, no, no," Eli gently said. "He looked fat," Eli said with a laugh that Arizona soon echoed.

"They're married, you know. She has the ring that he gave me on her finger," Arizona whined painfully.

"Hey – you deserve better than that jerk – like you said, it's a good thing you didn't marry him," Eli reminded her.

"I know, it is," Arizona said as Eli kneeled beside her bed, and he was happy to see that she wiped her tears away…or attempted to, anyway.

"But…most of the time…I just think," she sobbed, "I just think…that I wasn't enough," she whispered out.

"What? That's the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard," Eli declared at once.

"Eli? Did you see her? She was so…skinny. I used to dance, you know," Arizona said wistfully.

"But you still do – you teach those little girls," Eli pointed out.

"I know – I have been for years; but I used to dance myself. I only teach them because after I left the circuit they were sad, and I couldn't abandon them too. But I…he was my dance partner. All throughout high school and first year – we were provincial champions in our age category. And I resisted dating him for so long – because I knew that it was dangerous, and I was right – after we broke up…. I couldn't do those dances anymore, and definitely not with him. I felt…broken," she whispered, her eyes swimming in tears all over again.

"Shh. I know, I know," Eli said, thinking back to how hard it had been for him to get back to writing post-Clare.

"I…towards the end there, I gained all this weight too – I wasn't as pretty or as skinny as Wendy is – she's his new partner, you know. They win everything they sign into. But I…I wanted to do things at college, too, not just dance. I wanted to be an English major, and work at the Writing Centre, and to do tours, and…I was just…so hungry all the time because I was doing all of these exhausting things. I didn't diet properly, and I gained weight, and I didn't know how to take it off, and –" Arizona said in her bit of a drunken stupor, letting Eli know things that she would never be caught dead telling him in a sober state of mind.

"You're freaking tiny, I could wrap my fingers around your waist," Eli replied, the buzz getting to him a bit too, making him less eloquent than usual.

He added," That guy is a loser who doesn't deserve you. That girl has nothing on you, by the way – her lipstick was all over her teeth too. That Wendy is nothing but a poor man's Arizona. You know Adam said you're hot within like, five minutes of meeting you," Eli pointed out and he was happy to see Arizona smile a little.

"Eli…?" Arizona asked as she adjusted her pillow and stared right at him.

"Why are you sad?" Arizona blurted out. "There's something about you…now you know my secret. What's yours?" she asked as Eli laughed, the alcohol getting to him.

"How much time you got?" he shot playfully.

"Tons," Arizona replied.

"I'm crazy," Eli replied, widening his eyes.

"What do you mean?" Arizona asked.

"I…I don't want to love her anymore," Eli said as he took another sip of his previously abandoned beer can. "And I think I'm over her – and then I see her with her Italian boy toy, a full like – ten years older than us, might I add – and…BAMN. I feel like I'm sixteen and trying so hard to get my thoughts together to explain them to her and it's all 'Eli, you're not making any sense, Jake come protect me,' all over again," he said bitterly as he crushed the can in anger.

"Start at the beginning," Arizona said with a giggle, wondering what on earth Eli meant.

Fifteen minutes later, she was left open-mouthed an intoxicated Eli laughed and said, "And then I crashed my hearse into the wall, and yeah, that was stage one –" but Arizona's giggles cut him off.

The reaction took him aback even through the layers of alcohol.

"Eli! You didn't!" and she gasped before…breaking out in more giggles. Eli loved that reaction; it was so…honest and non-judgemental. He was afraid that Arizona wouldn't want to be his friend after seeing….the real him, but as he watched her smile at him, he realized that…that wasn't a danger at all.

Eli finished the entire story in fifteen more minutes, leaving Arizona…plain sad to hear about the Lorenzo encounter.

"Eli…we can figure out how to make you feel better, and it wouldn't even be that hard, I bet. My mom knows this doctor –" Arizona started, and Eli realized that he forgot to tell her the most important part of his story.

"Oh, I'm bipolar – I…the doctor figured that out," he said, and Arizona looked at him thoughtfully.

"Really? I'm rather surprised – you know I worked with kids, so I know bipolar because of some of them had just gotten diagnosed as such….but… I really don't see that in you, Eli," she said warmly.

"It's been a few years, I've learned how to cope," Eli said, being so filled with joy that Arizona, who had met him rather recently, seemed to surprised to hear about his issues. It made him feel…normal. Clare…lately, she had never made him feel that way, he realized.

"You've learned really well," Eli, Arizona said with a bright smile, and Eli saw that her covers were all down again. He leaned over her to correct them and…he wished so badly that the proximity would have made him want to kiss her. Any guy would have; she was so beautiful, her long blonde hair flowing down her pillow and her green eyes staring right at him. She was so kind, and bright, and so caring….all he wanted to do was feel something electric, kiss her, and be happy with her. Because something told him that…she would be happy with him.

He could be the one to make her happy.

But…she deserved better, he knew, and he had already hurt a girl so badly when he wasn't honest with her. He didn't want to make the same mistake twice, so he gently pulled back and saw the flash of disappointment that crossed Arizona's face.

"I…see you on Monday, okay? Call me if you need anything?" he gently asked her.

"Thanks, Eli," Arizona softly said, before she turned on her side and began weeping softly.


	8. As You Turn Away

**Hi lovely readers, **

**Shall we do a double-update? I think so, because I want the story to move along!**

**Please let me know your thoughts in a review, and check out my tumblr to see the real life people (they are people you will recognize!) Arizona and a new character were based off. Should help you imagine some scenes I've described. **

**Twitter: westcoasttrees1 Tumblr: westcoasttrees**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi. **

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

"Oh my God, Eli, I'm so embarrassed, I can't, oh my God, I can't believe –"Arizona was enumerating at Eli's doorstep the following morning, her face the reddest that Eli had ever seen it.

He gently cut her off with a wave and an empathetic look and warmly added, "Hey, we've all been there. And if you don't remember, last night wasn't my finest hour either," Eli said with a cringe.

"I…remember everything…that we talked about," Arizona shyly admitted.

"Yeah. Me too," Eli said with a smirk.

"But...we didn't like…do anything, did we?" Arizona barely whispered out, refusing to meet Eli's eyes.

He simply chuckled in response and said, "No, we didn't. Don't worry; it wasn't like that. It's not…like that between us," he gently continued, wanting to check-in with Arizona on this point because the look she had on her face the night before when Eli leaned in to pull her covers over her made him wonder if perhaps she got confused and thought he would be kissing her. Eli...was unnerved by the fact that…a look of disappointment had flashed across her face.

"Yeah…it's not like that. At all," Arizona whispered, staring at her red leather cowboy boots as if they were the most interesting thing in the world.

Eli didn't like that she still refused to meet his gaze.

His mind flashed with the look of pure hurt that he had instilled in Imogen's eyes in a moment of terrible cruelty to her.

And he didn't know what to do.

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

"It's perfect, baby," Lorenzo said to Clare as he inspected the critical summaries that she had produced after many hours of neglecting her own school work in order to help him with the article that he was putting together.

"Thank you," Clare said with a blush as she spun around in his office chair, her giggles the best of her when he lifted her up playfully so he could reclaim his own seat, adjusting Clare in his lap as he read through her work once again.

"So…my writing is good?" she asked teasingly as she played with his tie.

"It's _very_ good," Lorenzo encouraged her, thinking of all the things he could do with the many hours of free time that Clare's work had just bought him.

"How good?" Clare asked with a giggle.

"_This_ good," Lorenzo whispered right before giving her a long and eager kiss while his hand played with the hem of her skirt. Clare responded eagerly to the kiss, her legs quivering just a bit as his hand moved higher and higher, exposing more of her thighs.

"Someone might walk in," she breathed between kisses as her entire face gained a deep blush.

"Door's locked," Lorenzo replied as he surprised Clare by groping through her top, making her pull back at once.

"Woah," she whispered. "Yellow light," she breathed.

"Huh?" Lorenzo asked in confusion. "Yellow light? Care to enlighten me?" he added.

"Too fast. You were going too fast. Slow down," Clare told him for the very first time, hoping he wouldn't bring up the one thing that bothered her most in his playful comments.

"Wow. Yellow light - You really _are_ a young one after all," he said, and Clare flinched.

_There it was. _She absolutely loathed those type of comments from him; she feared that they would ultimately lead to him dumping her faster than a rolling tear, because she…was some type of little girl who was not good enough for him.

"I'm _not_ young," she stubbornly said. "But lately…it just feels like it's a race to the finish line. Why do you have to go so fast?" she replied slowly, her fear and hesitancy and…disappointment obvious.

"I didn't do anything!" Lorenzo replied indignantly. "I was just…lovingly embracing my girlfriend. I didn't think it would be a problem," he added with a scoff.

"No, no, it's not a problem," Clare added at once, laying a sweet kiss on his lips, her entire attitude a little too similar of that of a girl eagerly trying to please. "I just…I freaked out a little. It's nothing _you_ did. It's _me_," she assertively said as she eased into his touch and boldly placed his hand to the spot that she had previously pulled away from.

Lorenzo continued his touches on her as she hid her gaze from him, her find flowing with thoughts of how…the girls he had previously been with would have never pulled a stunt like the one she just did.

"I love you, bella," he whispered to her as he gave her another kiss.

"Love you too," Clare asserted at once as soon as she pulled away, trying to steady her breathing at his hand's explorations under her skirt. He was going higher and higher, and she didn't like it, and she felt her eyes tear up so she hid them from his sight, and it felt too fast, and it felt wrong, and it was even faster than the few times that Jake had tried to get her pants off, and she knew where he thought this was going, and she panicked as she realized that he never even knew about her vow, but she had assumed that…he was Italian, right? Which meant that he was a Roman Catholic, and Italy – she had heard that it was a really religious country, so why was he doing this?

Lorenzo wasn't scanning her face or thinking about her feelings in the moment, and when Clare felt his hands head as high as anyone's had ever been on her body and she heard him whisper, "Let's just take _these_ off, we have time. Just relax, baby, –" her heart dropped.

She jumped a mile when a loud knock came from the other side of the door, and she heard a voice that sounded familiar say, "Why is this door locked?"

She had never felt so relieved in her entire life as she did in that moment. She quickly jumped off of Lorenzo's lap, straightened her skirt and shot him a perfect apologetic look as he sighed deeply, sounding bitterly disappointed and frustrated. When the door opened, Clare felt her face flush even deeper – if such a thing was possible – and in walked…the head of the English Department.

"Young man, you know you're never supposed to lock your office door – fire department regulations," Dr. Gilbert reproached Lorenzo, and Clare wanted to die in the next minute as Dr. Gilbert looked her up and down, frowning at her red-as-a-crab face and glancing back and forth between her and Lorenzo…whose tie was no longer neatly done up, but resting almost undone.

She then heard the older man clear his throat and she saw him drop a folder onto Lorenzo's desk as he professionally said, "These are the names of all the students who will be doing thesis defences at the end of the term. Dr. Mallory said she wanted you on the committee as well".

"Really? Thank you, Sir, that is such an honour," Lorenzo replied as Clare began to feel more and more out of place.

"I'm going to go – thank you for your help with my paper," she confidently said as she felt Dr. Gilbert's eyes on her.

"You're welcome," Lorenzo nonchalantly replied.

"Bye Dr. Gilbert," Clare awkwardly added, knowing that the head of the department probably wouldn't remember her from her application.

"Good bye Miss…can you remind me of your name again?" he asked with an inquisitive look on her face, and Clare wondered if giving it to him was the best idea.

"Edwards. Clare Edwards," she said, deciding that lying might even be worse.

She then saw Dr. Gilbert's eyes flash with a look of recognition as he softly said, "_Stalker/Angel_".

"Excuse me?" Clare replied.

"_Stalker/Angel_. The story you submitted when you first applied to the B.A./M.A program, correct?" the experienced professor replied.

"Correct," Clare mumbled.

"It was a good story," Dr. Gilbert praised.

"What?" Clare added as she looked up in surprise.

"It was a good story. I really enjoyed it. Excellent gothic current," Dr. Gilbert repeated.

"Thank you," she said, embarrassment flooding her tone.

"Why Eli was so keen on going to UBC for the year, I'll never understand," Dr. Gilbert added more to himself than to anyone, and Clare flinched at the mention of his name. She also didn't like the fact that while the head of the Department had no idea who she was, here he was referring to Eli on a first name basis and obviously not being happy that he had left the university for the year and gone to UBC.

"Have you heard from him recently?" Dr. Gilbert asked jovially.

"No. We don't…we don't talk much," Clare answered as she felt Lorenzo's eyes on her.

"Oh. I see," Dr. Gilbert replied. "Well, I'm hoping he can be my research assistant when he comes back, I'll need one for the year," Dr. Gilbert said with a shrug, and this time Clare definitely saw a look of hate flash across Lorenzo's face.

And Clare knew why.

Lorenzo had told her several times that he would be applying for that position for next year, and Clare knew that by the way Dr. Gilbert had just indicated, he would be offering the position to Eli.

To Eli first, and to no one else.

He would be offering it to a fourth year undergrad as opposed to the PhD student, and Clare knew that blows to Lorenzo's pride were not his favourite thing in the world.

XXXXXXXXXXXX

"Eli! Come on, let's go," Arizona said as she appeared in the doorway of one of the tutoring rooms of the Writing Centre. She had just finished her last appointment of the day – she had helped a first year engineering student work his way through planning a research paper for a mandatory first year English class – and she knew that Eli would have also wrapped up his work for the day.

And the timing was perfect – they would have just enough time to get to where she wanted them to be in forty minutes.

"Where are we going, impulsive girl?" Eli joked with her, being that this was the second time that Arizona was ambushing him, urging him to get ready to go – the first having been the amazing, private Bryan Adams concert that she had surprised him with for his birthday.

"I have to show you something," Arizona said with a coy smile, and Eli could tell that she was bursting with excitement.

"And this requires going someplace…off campus?" Eli asked.

"Yes; just one bus ride on the 99, I promise," Arizona replied eagerly.

"Can I get a hint before I trust you not to leave me somewhere all abandoned in this crazy city as some sort of joke?" Eli sarcastically asked.

"Okay. Yes. I can do that. It has to do with…your story – with 'Heart of the World,'" she said with a beaming smile.

"My story?" Eli asked, taken aback. "You know about that?"

"Of course. It was published in the university's creative writing magazine over Christmas – I got a copy sent home, you know I read it," Arizona said it.

"I didn't know that actually," Eli replied.

"Well – I'm no Creative Writing major," she teased, referencing Eli's second major, "and I really can't write creatively at all – I prefer reading and writing essays on what I read, but I _love_ a good story – what English major doesn't? I loved yours," she complimented Eli.

"Thank you," he replied with a smirk as he gathered his things. Both him and Arizona said goodbye to their boss and began walking from the Writing Centre to the bus loop as the sun emerged shyly out from behind recent rain clouds.

"It was really something…so positive," Arizona added, looking at Eli meaningfully and so powerfully that he could at once feel the girl's warmth and…her compassion. She never passed any judgement on anything, Eli reasoned. She never judged his style, his reading choices…even when he told her everything that he had done before getting himself together properly…she had just listened and praised his efforts and assured him that everything would be all right. Eli absolutely loved how sweet she was…he felt that he could trust her with the world and that she would never let him down.

Something told him that she would always be on his side – even if he were wrong. And that meant the world to the boy who had spent so much time on his own since his parents' death.

"It was…a little different for me," Eli admitted as he hopped onto the bus after Arizona, sticking his hands into the pockets of his leather jacket.

"Well, I loved it. It was amazing," Arizona added with an electric smile as she sat down first at Eli's gesture, and he quickly sat down beside her.

"You'd better let me know when to get off," he playfully added, and Arizona assured him that he was in good hands.

Eli had no doubt about that.

Thirty minutes later, Arizona was leading Eli down a set of panoramic streets; situated on top of a hill, you could see the edge of the ocean and the mountains under the now rather-powerful Vancouver sun. Eli knew that they weren't all that far from his neighbourhood – the one that Arizona also lived in – but they seemed to be in area of office buildings, coffee shops, and there was also an elementary school nearby.

"Okay, so you're kidnapping me," Eli said with a smirk when Arizona turned onto one of the smaller streets.

"You don't feel safe with me?" Arizona replied, shooting Eli a perfectly wounded look.

Eli rolled his eyes and replied,

"Just…what's with all the mystery? That's supposed to be my area, you know," he teased, testing his waters and trying to figure out if maybe Arizona was…a little scared of him after finding out about his past.

"Sorry for stealing your thunder, Eli, but you're not the only mysterious person in the world," Arizona replied with a giggle, putting Eli at ease at once, and even causing him to break out into a tiny, honest smile. She had done it again – making Eli feel like he wasn't so…different from the rest of the world. Like he wasn't a monster and someone who people had to think twice about before extending their friendship to.

"We're here," she said as Eli looked up at a really nice, Victorian-style building that had large windows, an exquisitely decorated façade. When he read the title of the building, he smirked at Arizona in understanding.

"Calloway Recording Studios," he said softly, realizing that Arizona's dad was not only a songwriter and producer, but that he also owned the recording studio – Calloway, Eli knew, was Arizona's last name.

"Sweet," Eli declared at once.

"Thought you might like a visit," Arizona said as she buzzed, and Eli noticed that just a bright hello from her made the receptionist instantly recognize her voice and let them into the building.

Eli let out a small whistle when he noticed its dark maple furniture; soft, mahogany-colored couches in the lobby, and a variety of Billboard magazines on the glass coffee table. When they passed a small kitchen, Eli saw the throat lozenges on the counter, and it looked like someone had just made tea – there was a pot by the lozenges, and the smell of lemon filled his nostrils. He also saw an elegant cappuccino machine and heard it brewing.

But what he loved most was the records – plaques and plaques of them lining the wall; some gold, some silver. He walked all around, noticing familiar names such as Hedley (not his taste, but he did know they were from somewhere close to Vancouver), Sara MacLaughan (Eli was sure he had never heard any of her songs), SUM 41, Hey Ocean, Said the Whale…and the ones that he knew to expect – Bryan Adams. It still seemed a bit surreal to Eli that Arizona's dad had worked with him, and he smiled when he came to a series of pictures of a younger Arizona's dad with Bryan Adams myself – they were holding trophies, Eli noticed…and one of them was a Grammy.

"So cool," he whispered as Arizona watched him walk along the walls, and Eli pointed and chuckled at a picture that included an eight year Arizona with Bryan Adams and her dad. She had little pigtails and looked so infantile that Eli couldn't stop chuckling, which earned him a playful shove and a shoulder slaps as she said, "Stop it! I asked my dad to take that one down, but he won't listen," Arizona said, making this the first time that Eli had seen her pouting, which only caused him to laugh even more.

"Okay, come on, now, enough. Besides, we're here for a purpose. You ready?" Arizona asked as she guided Eli towards a door and paused with her hand on the handle.

"For what? The apocalypse? I didn't know I was supposed to be preparing," Eli sarcastically answered, and Arizona giggled in response.

"Be quiet when we go in, okay? They can't see us but daddy'll be working the controls," Arizona said, almost in a whisper.

"I'm not gonna do anything to upset _daddy_," Eli smugly replied, making Arizona giggle at a high pitch and afterwards whispering, "God, Eli, I'm serious".

Eli then nodded and said, "All right, okay," raising his hands in a defensive gesture.

He watched an eager smile spread over Arizona's face as she slid the soundproof door open. Eli immediately saw Arizona's dad turn up a volume knob and he waved them in with a smile. Eli knew at once that he had been brought into one of the recording rooms; just beyond the glass were…artists.

But his heart all but stopped and his eyes widened as he first realized who they were, and…that was nothing when he listened to the _words_ that they were singing.

He looked at Arizona, who was smiling even more brightly that he had ever seen her, and – there were tears in her eyes. He gasped for breath as he stood mesmerized, and took in the sight.

The male singer, tall and blond with stubble on his face was wearing a simple pair of skinny jeans, and a grey T-shirt over a long-sleeve white shirt. He also had on a backwards baseball cap, and he was holding a cup of tea as his lips all but touched the large, circular microphone that you could tell was capturing so much emotion. The room was small, but elegant – it had a soft light that shone down on him, and stands that Eli knew held music scores in front of the male singer and…in front of the girl as well.

The female singer…it amazed Eli to hear the words coming from a female voice as well; and the way the lines had been switched one after the other…it was beautiful. Her shiny and sleek brown hair was held back in a loose ponytail, and Eli could see shimmery golden powder on her eyes. She was beautiful as she sang with her eyes closed; loudly; very loudly, her large scarf wrapped around her neck as her striped sweater also kept her warm. Her microphone was facing that of the male singer and they were both in a world in which only the other one existed; wearing large headphones, they sang the words in such a way that Eli knew they felt their very essence, their faces contorting with the conviction and feeling that only people blessed with the gift of art were capable of producing.

Off in a side room, Eli could see the third member of the band – the room he was in was very different; it had a variety of instruments that floor was literally covered in the many wires that were needed to produce the quality of sound that the AA rated studio was famous for. He was playing an electric guitar, hunched over, also wearing a pair of headphones.

Eli was amazed. He was not a musician per se, but he had grown up around music his entire life, and he had a deep appreciation for it. But…writing it…he had simply never done that, and now…it moved him and shook him so deeply that he was worried his…different mind was feeling this more intensely than it perhaps should.

But then…then he felt Arizona come next to him, and as his eyes locked with hers and he saw the film of tears in her eyes, he knew that...when this would be released, everyone would feel this way upon hearing the song. But if seeing the pictures of Bryan Adams in the hallway felt surreal, this…this was the surprise of a lifetime.

The music was…_perfect_. It was overwhelming, and catchy, and powerful. So powerful.

Eli saw the male singer take a deep breath and move his hands in a motion that made Eli realize that he was feeling his guitar in his hands at that moment, despite that fact that it wasn't there, but rather with the third band member. He got close to the mike and closed his eyes as he perfectly sang, and Eli could hear the sweet female voice in the background of his more booming voice. Hearing the words come out of their mouths this way, perfectly adjusted to the moving melody…it produced something more powerful than Eli could ever imagine. He stared in awe, wondering if his hearing was betraying him. Because those words…

_And hope is the soul of the dreamer / And heaven is the home of my God / It only takes what you believe in / To believe you can still beat the odds / We're meant to be baby, hold onto me – you'll never not be my girl / I'll never not be your girl / Because love – love is the heart – love is the heart – love is the heart of the world_

"That's a wrap on 'Heart of the World', excellent job guys," Eli heard Arizona's dad say through the intercom, and the man and woman took off their headphones and flashed a 'thumbs-up' sign to Arizona's dad.

It was only then that Eli found his words, turning to Arizona and softly saying,

"My…that's my story," telling her what she already knew.

"I know. I know. I…when I was home at Christmas, I was reading it –" she said,

"And then she showed it to me," her dad piped in. "And…I thought it would make a perfect song, and I knew this band would be here on tour –and they would be the perfect ones to do it. So I wrote some lyrics using your words, and a melody for it," Arizona's dad said.

"It's beautiful – you re-wrote it in first person and it's like the singers…they _are_ my story…it feels so right, the way they are speaking the words," Eli asserted at once.

"You'd have full songwriter's credit," Arizona warmly said to Eli, "And this band is extremely successful, you would earn a percentage of their profit. It would be your name and…they want to release this song as a single, Eli," she said with a bright smile.

"I…I just…I can't believe it. The melody you wrote for it…it's exactly what's in my head, if that makes any sense, it might just sound totally crazy," Eli said.

"It makes _perfect_ sense Eli. I know exactly what you mean, trust me," Arizona's dad asserted at once, and the way his gaze locked with Eli's created a connection that could only really be shared between two individuals of a true unique creativity, talent, and a feeling of emotions more potent than your average individual.

"I never imagined two voices on it though – except for," Eli said, and Arizona worried when she heard his voice break. "The part – you wrote it as dialogue and … it's amazing you chose to do that. 'I'll never not be your girl' – that part…it was what my mom always used to say to my dad. When he would do something stupid and she'd get mad, he would always say 'Don't forget you're my girl' and she would always reply 'I'll never not be your girl'. It's…the way you have it in the song- the girl's voice… it's perfect," Eli declared.

"Well, when I read it, that's sort of the way it played out in my mind, and I thought of Lady Antebellum right away, because they have Hillary, you see – she has a really sweet voice, and Charles is very manly – I just saw it as the perfect fit. And yes, that line, it struck me as dialogue for sure. Glad to hear you like the way I messed with your story, son," Arizona's dad said as he shook Eli's hand playfully and Eli chuckled in response.

The band then entered, and they all headed straight for Eli,

"Hey – you're the kid who wrote this, right?" the main male singer asked, and Eli immediately asserted,

"Oh, no, no, that was Mr. Calloway," gesturing towards Arizona's dad.

"Nonsense –" Arizona's dad replied – "I wrote the melody. The words are Eli's – he's your lyricist. Eli Goldsworthy," he continued.

"Well we love it," the male singer continued, shaking Eli hand and adding, "I'm Charles, pleased to meet you –"and Eli smirked as he shook the singer's hand and said,

"I know who you are. It's an honour to meet you. I can't believe you're going to be releasing…a song with my words on it," Eli exclaimed incredulously.

The female singer than said, "And hopefully it won't be our last – we'd love to hear some more of your stuff, Eli. Hope you'll write us many more. I'm Hillary," she said, giving Eli a hug, an action which completely caught him by surprise and made Arizona giggle.

"Such a beautiful song," she breathed as she pulled away.

"Don't you guys usually record in Nashville?" Eli then asked in confusion, because he knew that although the band had had many cross over hits, they were country first.

"Yes, we do, but we love working with Mr. Calloway and we're on our Canadian leg of our tour right now, so we actually came into his studio. Get things done faster – we want 'Heart of the World' to be out in two weeks, get some radio airplay before our record release date," Hillary said.

"Two weeks? Wow," Eli exclaimed.

The band then announced they were going to be in the next room getting their instruments ready, and Eli thanked Arizona's dad profusely before saying his good-bye. Arizona and him then made their way out of the building, and Arizona could tell that Eli was still shell shocked from the events of the day, but she panicked when she noticed that his eyes were red and wet.

"Eli…I'm sorry. I had no right. I shouldn't have –" she began.

"What? No, Arizona, this is amazing – I am just…that story just reminded me of something, that's all," Eli answered.

"Can I ask what of?" she gently inquired.

"My mom and dad. I just…I miss them," Eli painfully admitted, no longer being able to hold it in.

"Oh, Eli," Arizona tearfully sighed, and she stepped in front of him on the sidewalk. After scanning his face, she judged that he wouldn't mind, and she reached her arms across his shoulders and pulled him in for a hug. She felt his body freeze up for a minute – it had been so long since Eli had received a hug – but he then slowly wrapped his arms around her waist and held her tightly.

"It's okay, Eli. It's okay," she softly repeated over and over again, feeling his chest shaking ever so slightly.

"Thank you," he emphatically said. "I want you to have the…profit from the song. You and your dad," Eli whispered into her hair.

"Over my dead body Eli Goldsworthy. I would like to see myself!" she reproached him, sounding incredibly morally outraged. However, Eli could be just as stubborn as Arizona was, and it was a full ten minutes after Eli stepped out of her hug that they finally reached a deal to split everything 50-50.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"Go ahead, it's your turf, you do the opening address," Clare overheard the professor who was wearing the 'UBC English Department Chair' name tag say to Dr. Gilbert, the head of the English department at her own university. She was seated at a conference table in Toronto's downtown Fairmont hotel, sulking that Lorenzo had chosen to sit with the other TAs and not with her. It did not help that earlier in the week, he had completely forgotten her birthday, and it also did not help when her mom asked her what Lorenzo had done for her birthday, with an obvious scowl on her face at her daughter's choice to keep dating the older man despite her mother's clear forbiddance.

The scene was replaying through Clare's mind as she watched the eighty students from universities all across Canada drink their coffee and eat the last few bites of dinner…and she wondered why…Eli wasn't there. He was clearly in the joint B.A./M.A. program, and the nation-wide conference was being held in his home town, for crying out loud. She tried to shake the thought of last week's incidents out of her mind, but she just couldn't.

_"What did he give you for your birthday, Clare? A boyfriend should give his girlfriend some type of present," Helen had said as Clare also felt Jake's gaze on her. _

_ 'Not that you ever gave me anything either,' Clare wanted to bitterly shoot at Jake, but she somehow managed to find the self-restraint inside of herself to not to do that. _

_ "We decided to lay low for my birthday this time," Clare lied. _

_ "You mean he forgot," Helen picked up at once. _

_ "No, he didn't," Clare stubbornly gritted out. _

_ "Or maybe he didn't want to draw attention to the fact that he's dating a girl who is only nineteen," Jake smugly said. _

_ "You stay out of this," Clare had bitterly shot. _

_ "Anyone with a –teen at the end of their age should not be dating some 28 year old creepy TA," Jake fired back. _

_ "Who is the last person to have given you a present, Clare?" Helen had later asked as Clare was getting ready for bed. _

_ "You. You just took me shopping," Clare had answered, dodging her mother's question. _

_ "That's not what I meant. A boyfriend – especially at your age – should be a friend first. And a friend would remember their friend's birthday," Helen replied. _

_ "Ugh! It was Eli! There? Are you happy now? I said it – I said his name. Now leave me alone," Clare had bitterly shot, but that simple point was still haunting her mind until she had finally fallen asleep. _

And she had hoped – though she would not admit this to herself – that she would see Eli at the conference; it was now February and she hadn't seen him since that awful Christmas counter in which he awkwardly encountered Lorenzo and said all of maybe twenty words, Clare remembered, wondering what was going through his mind in that moment.

_He's not over me_, she thought to herself, and a small satisfactory smile crossed her lips. _Maybe that's why he didn't come to the conference. Because he didn't really think he could be around me for three days or he might try to win me back again –_ Clare thought, but she then jolted as she heard Dr. Gilbert and the UBC Department Head say something else.

"Well, everyone's here now, I should probably get things started," Dr. Gilbert said. "Right?" he added as he scanned a list of names on a paper.

"Just missing two of mine – Arizona Calloway and Eli Goldsworthy," Clare heard the UBC prof say, and she paid just a little bit more attention at that point.

She then heard Dr. Gilbert chuckle and he playfully said – "Hey! Don't claim Eli as one of _yours_ – he's one of _mine_, and he'd better be coming back next year, I want him as my research assistant," and Clare fumed with a little bit of anger. She never could imagine one of her profs being so keen to work with _her_.

"It's up to the boy to decide where he wants to stay – and I dare say Vancouver might not seem like such a bad choice over this freezing city of yours. He produces fine work, works at the Writing Centre – that's why he and Arizona are late; they had to catch the eleven o'clock out of YVR because they needed to finish their morning shift there, it was all booked with students their boss told me she couldn't spare them," Clare heard the UBC prof reply.

"He works at the Writing Centre? Oh, that's good. Eli would be good at that. He's nice to other students and really funny – he'd be easy to work with in proofreading and editing. Good for him that he was able to get that job at a university that isn't really his. When are they getting in?" Dr. Gilbert asked.

"They should be arriving any time now," Clare heard the UBC reply, and she felt her heart leap at that news.

_I knew he'd be coming after all. I knew he'd want to see me. _

Dr. Gilbert went up to do his welcoming address, and he was just saying,

"….we hope you will take advantage of this unique opportunity to meet with all of the other candidates and –" when Clare saw the sliding doors open and in walked…Eli – just like that, _there he was_.

But…he wasn't alone.

He was with…an incredibly pretty girl. That Arizona girl, Clare wondered. _Who names their child after a state? And this is Canada_, she thought bitterly, because she did not like it one bit that the girl's gorgeous blonde hair – now curly and volumized by extensions as Arizona had had a dance show with her little girls earlier that week and she wanted to look nice as well – was flowing over…Eli's leather jacket. It wasn't the same one that he wore in high school, Clare knew that, but it looked very similar – it was black and with a lot of cool zippers…it was obvious that it wasn't the girl's because it was really big on her very skinny frame.

But if there was one word that would describe the girl in Clare's mind it was…incredibly _Vancouver-like_. Her clothing and style screamed west coast; it was very fashionable and stylish – she was wearing patterned navy tights over a cool and wavy navy skirt. Under Eli's jacket she had on a wool sweater with patterns of First Nations west coast art, and she had the coolest boots that Clare had ever seen – dark red cowboy leather ones, and they looked to be one-of-a-kind, an assumption that Clare was correct in – Arizona had picked them up from Nashville on a trip there with her dad when he had needed to finalize a music deal.

She also had on a large, beautiful scarf, patterned black and light brown with tiny embroidered maple leafs here and there. She had on a navy beret that held her strikingly beautiful hair under some type of control. Her eyes were bright green, her most prominent feature, and they were framed by shimmery golden brown and naturally long eyelashes. Her lips shined with a glossy pink hue, and Clare noticed that over his shoulder, Eli had slung a bag which was obviously the girl's – it was a Lululemon dance bag, a well-known Vancouver yoga store – it had been a big deal when the store had finally come to Toronto as well, and Clare didn't think that Eli had taken a sudden affinity to yoga –living in Vancouver or not - so it must have been _her _bag. Clare didn't like that. Not one bit.

"Eli! Everyone, welcome our last two stragglers – kicking in that West Coast relaxation I see," Clare heard Dr. Gilbert tease Eli from the podium – making her wonder just when Eli had become so buddy-buddy with the head of the English Department.

She didn't like it, and she knew for a fact Lorenzo didn't like it – she caught him staring maliciously at Eli – the boy who Lorenzo saw as being handed the job that was rightfully his; just like that, on a silver platter. What Lorenzo didn't know, however, was that Dr. Gilbert not only liked Eli's writing- but he also liked his work ethic, something that was invaluable in a research assistant. Meanwhile, university circles were small ones, and Dr. Gilbert had heard various rumours about Lorenzo's ethics and moral codes of behaviour, and not only did he know he did not want to be associated with him, but he was wondering if he should permit Lorenzo to represent the U of T English Department. However, Lorenzo had his own supervising prof, and Dr. Gilbert didn't want to cause any trouble.

Clare then saw Eli smirk widely and reply, "Not at all, Sir – Arizona and I were at work, and there's a huge time difference between coasts, so…we lost three hours – all we've done practically is fly all day".

Dr. Gilbert just smiled at him and gestured for them to sit down, and they did so at a table two away from Clare.

She _tried_ not to look at him; but he had practically interrupted the welcoming address; everyone had looked at him, so Clare reasoned that there was no reason for her not to do the same. But she found herself looking more at…that Arizona girl. Her entire face was flushed, and after a few minutes, Clare began to catch snippets of their conversation.

"Eli…I can't. I'm not gonna able to make it here. Oh my God, I knew it would be bad – but why didn't you tell me it would be _this bad?_" she was giggling at Clare saw her zip up Eli's jacket and burrow her face in it.

"Come on, it's not that bad – we're inside now," Eli replied with a smirk.

"Doesn't matter – those ten minutes outside – God, how can it _actually_ be -17oC? This is it – it's the end of Arizona – I'm gonna die of the Toronto cold, I should have never come out here! I can't believe you live here! It's like a death igloo," she was saying as she was shivering and Clare rolled her eyes at the girl's distress.

"Hey – if I can survive rain every day and squirrels that jump out of garbage cans – you got this," Eli said, and Clare hated that he looked so amused.

_Who was this girl_? Obviously someone in their program, otherwise she wouldn't be at the conference in the first place. But…they seemed so comfortable around each other – she was wearing his jacket! And they were laughing together, and now Eli was pulling out a black notebook and saying something that apparently was the funniest thing in the world.

Clare listened between the pauses in the speech and she caught a few phrases,

"Wanna make things interesting?" she saw Eli say as he flashed Arizona a wide smirk.

"What do you mean?" she asked.

"We are gonna make a list," Eli said as he began scribbling something down in his notebook, "It's gonna be 'Arizona turns East Coast for the weekend'".

Clare saw the girl's blond tussels shake immediately, and Clare flinched when Arizona touched Eli's arm and said, "Arizona _doesn't want to_ turn East Coast. She's happy being as west coast as possible, thank you very much".

Clare saw Eli roll his eyes and he emphatically crossed out whatever he had written in the notebook, with a playful angry glare directed Arizona's way.

"Okay, then – 'Arizona _survives_ the east coast,' how about that?" Eli asked.

"How about 'Arizona _dies_ in the itty gritty city of Toronto'?" she replied, and Clare knew she shouldn't hate people she didn't even know, but she found this girl irritating and annoying.

Eli rolled his eyes once again and said, "You're not gonna die – I'll take care of you here just like you took care of me in Vancouver," and with those words Clare's skin began to crawl.

"I'll even give you a city tour tonight – as indoors as possible, promise," Eli added.

"Okay – city tour I'm down for," Arizona enthusiastically replied.

"So, what's on this list?" Arizona then said.

"Okay – first – no complaining or comparing Toronto with Vancouver – we do enough of that back at school," Eli said, and Clare hated that…that meant they spent time together. _A lot_ of time together, even?

"Ugh, fine," Arizona reluctantly agreed.

"Point number two – you're not going to drink any Starbucks coffee – "Eli said.

"Eli Goldsworthy – you _do_ want me to die!" Arizona gasped.

"Now hang on - I wasn't done. I wouldn't deprive you of your coffee. But while out east, we're gonna forget that Vancouver/LA Starbucks and Pinkberry mentality," he began –

"Pinkberry…I miss it already," Arizona sighed, longing in her voice.

Eli chuckled and added, "Anyway, _as I was saying_," elongating his words sarcastically, "You're gonna do things like we do on the East Coast – Tim Horton's only, okay?" he asked.

"Oh, okay. That's not so bad. So far I think I can survive," Arizona said cheerfully.

"I'm not gonna add much else, don't worry. Just…one more. We're gonna listen to music from people from here," Eli finished.

Arizona then laughed uninhibitedly and asked, "If you want to listen to Justin Bieber – now that's something I would like to see – that should be on a survival list for _you_, not for _me_," she barely managed to get out.

"There's other people but Justin Bieber –" Eli began.

"Well, I like Shania Twain a lot. She's from Ontario. Happy now?" Arizona asked.

"Not exactly what I had in mind, but it'll have to do," Eli allowed.

"Now sign the bottom here – this is our official contract," he insisted, and Arizona did so with many giggles as a now rabid Clare looked on.

"What do I get if I stick with this?" Arizona asked playfully.

"Celebratory dinner when we get back to Vancouver somewhere nice," Eli said with a shrug, and Arizona's heart leapt with joy as she misunderstood.

"I can do it, I bet," she replied at once.

Upon hearing that, Clare thought that if they _weren't_ already dating – they were only a step away. And to her, it seemed like Eli had just taken that step. Here he was, with a gorgeous girl…writing a new story.

As Clare looked at Lorenzo, she saw him sitting at a table of all-female TAs, giggling happily and not sparing as much as a glance her way. He had told her that they need to put on their poker faces for the weekend, she thought, making excuses for him…something that had become a bit of a pattern lately…not that Clare would admit that to herself.

But she didn't like this situation at all, and she wondered how much longer she could tolerate it for.

XXXXXXXX

After Dr. Gilbert finished his address, he specified that no workshops were going to run for tonight, and that all the students had the night off. He added that a night bus would be leaving Dundas Square at midnight, playfully, but strictly telling the students to have fun and enjoy the city, but make sure to catch the bus and be ready to work at 9am the next morning. The conference was only a two night affair, ending around lunchtime on Sunday so that students could have the day to recuperate – a significant number of them were flying across provinces, the UBC students coming from furthest away and having to endure a six hour flight.

Every student had been invited to present a paper at the conference; for most of them, it would be their most successful essay of the year. However, this was only if they desired to – professors would also be giving workshops, and Clare had opted not to give a workshop herself. This was however, largely because she had spent so much time working on the article that she was writing with Lorenzo that she hadn't really come up with anything herself – but she kept telling herself that once the article would appear, her name under the title, it would all be worth it – she could bring that piece of writing with her to applications, jobs, and finally put the _Stalker/Angel_ fiasco behind her forever, she thought stubbornly.

Clare thought that no way in hell would she be first to approach Eli – this was _her_ world, she reasoned. He, for the purposes of the conference, was a UBC student. _Her boyfriend_ was one of the leaders of the conference, she thought proudly, and she was helping him with his work, which made her important by extension, surely. She had no reason to talk to E-

"Hey," she heard all of a sudden as she was walking down the hallway to her room in order to get changed for going out.

It was him.

There he was – wearing black skinny jeans and a dark, military-style khaki dress shirt that brought out his eyes, Clare thought in a moment of weakness. He was wearing his guitar necklace and his greeting was soft and gentle, in that hoarse voice of his that she had heard so many times. The voice that had comforted her so many times in moments of stress of weakness.

She hated that those thoughts were running through her mind, and she waved them away with a tousle of her wavy curls, the movement immediately capturing Eli.

"Hi," she greeted softly, feeling herself blush ever so slightly.

"Your flight okay?" she asked.

"Yeah. It was great," Eli answered.

"Eli…it's kind of weird. That you're at UBC," Clare blurted out, and she hated the way that sounded. They both knew why he was at UBC; he had given up his spot and flown to the other side of the country, so Clare could stay home and…be happy. He had done it to make her happy.

"It's…what's gotta be," Eli replied with a tiny smirk. "It's not a big deal, it's not so bad out there and I'm almost done the term anyway," he added.

"That's really, really – oh!" Clare began saying before she felt Lorenzo hug her from behind and plant a few kisses on her neck – she knew they were the only ones in the hallway, but she hadn't expected him to be so open at any point throughout the conference.

But she felt really embarrassed that Eli had to see that – she didn't know it was going to happen, so she quickly moved a little away from Lorenzo while still remaining his embrace. She hated the way Eli's gaze moved to the side as soon as Lorenzo had kissed her, and she rather hoped the whole incident didn't happen.

After a few seconds of uncomfortable silence, Clare awkwardly said, "Eli…this is Lorenzo…my boyfriend. Lorenzo, Eli is my…he…we went to highschool together," she finally finished.

Clare saw Eli slowly look up and he replied, "Hey".

"Oh, this is the famous Eli?" Lorenzo asked smugly, confusing Eli at once. He couldn't fathom Clare thinking – not to mention – talking about him.

"You were one of the TAs to a class I took when I was in first year," Eli uncomfortably added.

"And you wrote Stalker/Angel," Lorenzo said, suspecting that there was a reason why Eli hadn't included that story when he had applied to the English program – and the flinch Eli gave confirmed Lorenzo's belief and caused a smug little triumphant smile to cross his lips.

Clare noticed Eli's distress, so she quickly changed the subject asking,

"You coming out to that bar everyone is going out dancing at, Eli?" not really being able to imagine him doing such a thing.

"Yeah, think so," Eli replied, surprising Clare as she felt Lorenzo's arms give her a squeeze into the hug.

"Well we'll be there too, right baby?" Lorenzo asked.

"Uh–huh. Yeah," Clare answered, trying to hide how uncomfortable she was with a big smile.

"So, Eli – you really like Gothic lit, then? That story was…rather something," Lorenzo pushed.

Eli inhaled deeply and blinked slowly as he said, "I like a lot of different genres".

"Cool. I myself like Canadian Studies the best – I'm writing an article for a journal right now you know," Lorenzo told him, because he wanted Eli to not apply to be Dr. Gilbert's research assistant when he would return to U of T – and he meant to show him that he was under-qualified to even think about it.

"And my bella Clare here is helping me, you see," Lorenzo added and Clare saw Eli look between her and Lorenzo looking ever so…numb.

"That's great. All the best with it," Eli answered.

"Yeah – I'm really glad they asked me to do it," Lorenzo added, "Because – you know, I'm sure – it's so hard to get selected to publish anything these days. You written anything since 'Stalker/Angel'?" Lorenzo asked.

"Not much," Eli replied, not wanting to share the three stories he had published because all he wanted to do was to get out of here – but his feet weren't listening to him.

He hated standing here with him and her, and he regretted coming to the conference. He wondered if perhaps he _should_ just finish out his degree in Vancouver, and had it not been for Adam and for his baby cousin and aunt and uncle, Eli would have seriously considering moving his entire life to the west coast, because surely anything would be better than this. Maybe then he'd able to be free once and for all, he was thinking, as Lorenzo added,

"Well, that's too bad. But then again, it is really hard to get things published, especially for an undergrad such as yourself. Don't worry, I'm sure it'll work out for you eventually," Lorenzo added smugly as Clare shot him a strict glare.

It was only then that Eli felt the linoleum floor board under his feet move ever so slightly, and a bright sunny voice that he had gotten so accustomed to at UBC seemed to appear out of nowhere. Arizona's face was flushed – Eli knew that this meant that as always, she was in a rush to get somewhere, and he noticed that in this case, she had run up to her room to change – but Eli had never been so impressed at the girl's bravery and nonchalant manner of speaking as she stared Lorenzo straight in the eye and brightly announced,

"Oh, I don't think you need to worry about Eli. He writes regularly for UBC's Creative Writing Magazine – I'm sure you know the one, it's a well-established journal, and not to mention – he just wrote something that will touch, literally hundreds of thousands of people," Arizona said as Eli saw Clare staring wide-eyed at her.

Eli's heard swelled with love and gratefulness for Arizona when she turned around ever so slightly and gave him a little mischievous wink that only he could see. Eli, for one, was completely paralyzed, letting her run the entire conversation – as was Clare.

"Really? What's this project that will be known by some many, do tell," Lorenzo said.

"Well - as we speak, the song that Eli write the lyrics for is being prepared for its North American release at radio stations all over the world," Arizona said, releasing information coming from a text message from her dad that not even Eli was aware of.

Lorenzo and Clare both looked surprised and confused, which was exactly what Arizona had expected. She wasn't impressed that Eli hadn't told her that this Clare of his would be at the conference, but she had caught on immediately as she had overheard the conversation between the three as she had been walking in their direction.

"What? You write lyrics?" Clare finally asked.

Arizona assumed the answer responsibility once again, smiling brightly at Clare and saying, "Eli's song was picked up by Lady Antebellum and recorded in a day – I'm sure you know them," she added.

"Never heard of them," Lorenzo bitterly shot.

"Well, you're Italian I think by your accent, you'll come to know country music soon living in Canada, don't worry," Arizona dismissed him, "and besides, Lady A is huge in the pop world as well – you practically have to be living on a rock not to hear them, it's kind of odd you don't know them," she continued.

She looked directly at Lorenzo and Clare as she expertly recited, "Winners of seven Grammy awards – performing and writing – and like ten Academy of Country Music awards, and like ten other Country Music Awards. Anything they touch is gold – and one of their producers says 'Heart of the World' is likely to go double-platinum. I'd trust him too, he knows his stuff," she finished with another wink Eli's way.

"Wow," Clare softly said as she looked at Eli. "I didn't know you…did that," she managed to get out.

"Well, now you do. Ready to go, Eli?" Arizona asked him, and she gently grabbed his arm because she could tell that Eli was still a little out of it.

Clare watched them walk away together still reeling from everything that had just happened.

"Thank you," Eli whispered in embarrassment to Arizona as they walked out of the hotel and headed into the shuttle that would get the conference attendants to _Cowboys._

"For what?" Arizona asked him, exuberating a carefree spirit that Eli loved about her so much, "Just telling them what's up – everyone needs a bit of music education, and who doesn't know Lady A? Ridiculous – and I bet you it's because this city of yours is nowhere as music-focused as Vancouver," Arizona sighed, not being very impressed with the apparent lack of music knowledge in the world.

Meanwhile, back in the hallway, Clare gently told Lorenzo,

"Hey, can you do me a favour? Take it easy on Eli, okay? He's…bipolar and he's in the army, and… just…he's been through a lot lately. Don't antagonize him, please," she said.

"Wouldn't dream of it, bella," Lorenzo replied.

XXXXXXXXXXXX

"_Back in the summer of 69! Those were the best days of my life!"_ the music blasted as a very unhappy Clare Edwards watched Eli and Arizona shout at the top of their lungs, matching the lyrics perfectly on time at the table two away from her. Lorenzo, of course, had told her he couldn't hang out with her at the bar as the other TAs had decided to come out as well, so Clare was just sitting with a group of other U of T student in her year that she was friendly with.

The DJ had decided to play a throwback to the 80s song, and Clare had seen Arizona jump up at once in excitement, laughing freely and jumping around and shouting at Eli something about her it was not her fault that they had chosen a song by Bryan Adams and then saying something about a concert, which had rather infuriated Clare. They had been to a concert together? That was something she never got to do with Eli, she thought angrily, before biting her lip and reminding herself that…he _had_ bought tickets to a show that he was really excited to take her too, but he had done so months in advance, and by the time the show came to town, they were broken up and Clare didn't even remember the date when it rolled by, being too lost in a Jake-infusion cloud.

She saw Arizona laugh as she head banged to the music, and she heard her say – "See, Eli – the best days of his life were in what city? Guess, come on, it won't be hard! And he has a house in North Van, just saying – close to my parents'," and Clare wondered what it was with this girl and Vancouver other than the fact that it was where she lived.

She saw Eli roll his eyes and take a sip of his Coke – she noticed that both him and Arizona weren't drinking alcohol. She had opted for a drink herself, because since Lorenzo had started her on wine she had eventually progressed to stronger drinks as well, and it was another way to show him that she wasn't the little girl that he often teased her that he was.

They had been out approximately one hour and Lorenzo hadn't talked to her once – he was sitting at a table with some of the girl TAs, but Clare softened when she did him approaching, and she loved how close he leaned in, obviously wanting to whisper something in her ear…something sweet, she bet as a smile came over her face and she listened to him.

"Baby, can you spot me a 20? I didn't bring any cash," he said, and Clare deflated a bit, but she did as he asked, watching him head to the bar after.

She reminded herself that she liked it better this way – Lorenzo had paid for their first date, but after that he had commented that as a TA he didn't make a lot of money, and ever since then they had shared the cost of their dates, and sometimes when he'd mention that he wasn't getting as many hours as he liked, she'd just pay for the entire thing. Sure, things with Eli had been different – he never let he pay for anything, and Clare knew that many of the things he had arranged for them – readings and lit conventions – did cost quite a bit, but Eli had assured her that he made money by interning at Bullfrog's radio station, and he just adamantly refused to let her pay. But this was the 21st century, Clare reminded herself, and Jake had never paid for all of their dates either – they'd always share costs as well, so Clare reminded herself that it didn't mean anything but potentially an early indication of the archaic gender constructs that Eli seemed to have. However, when her mom had asked her about Lorenzo and the cost of dates and how they worked it out, Clare hadn't been too pleased when her mom had told her that boys should pay for quite a while at the start of relationships, immediately asking her what she had done with Eli – just as a comparison, Helen had insisted, hoping that something would awaked in Clare.

It hadn't, and Helen was afraid to force Clare to cut ties with Lorenzo because she remembered the way that Clare had snuck around behind her back with Jake for so long – Helen knew that she'd just do that again, and living on campus she didn't even have to tell her mom a lot about what she did, so Helen decided that in this case, the lesser of two evils would be to reluctantly engage Clare in conversations about Lorenzo – this was she would at least have some idea about what was happening, because Helen guessed that if pushed far enough, Clare would just…lie to her and say that she had broken up with Lorenzo while really still dating him.

Clare hated that Lorenzo wasn't spending time with her – he had asked her to come out, kissed her in front of Eli and talked about going out, and now what? Now he had practically ditched her, and she knew it was because they needed to keep things discreet, because that's what he said. But being at a bar by yourself while your ex-boyfriend was having fun with a girl who was probably his girlfriend was not great fun, Clare realized.

The DJ came on the mike and he said, "All right, all right Toronto – got a new one for you – on the tip of the airwaves, coming straight at you from Nashville, this is the latest from Lady Antebellum. Called Heart of the World, it's a slow one, so let me see you out on floor," and Clare heard Arizona scream excitedly and smile so electrically as she yelled, "Hey DJ! It's written by my friend right here! That's his song! His song everyone," she said proudly as she pointed at Eli, whose entire face was flaming, hating all of the attention.

"Well, then, pretty girl," the DJ said, pointing at Arizona, "what are you waiting for? And you, Mr. Writer, be a man and ask that gorgeous girl to dance…before I do," the young DJ said as Clare looked on.

Eli smirked at Arizona and held his hand out, making Clare's jaw drop. Here was Eli Goldsworthy, in a country bar, asking a girl to dance freely…a girl who was not her, – he hated dances, Clare thought bitterly.

Clare felt her skin crawl as she saw Arizona giggle and take Eli's hand – the song had begun at this point, and Clare realized at once that…it did sound very much like what Eli would write, but it was so much more…positive, she thought. This was not exactly like anything he had written before…it was still just as moving, but so much more optimistic.

She watched Arizona lean into his embrace and could barely believe her eyes when she saw Eli's hand move from Arizona's middle back to the back of her head so he could lean her head on his shoulder. Her blonde, wavy hair was draped down Eli's shoulder and chest, sharply contrasted with the black leather vest that he was wearing. Clare found herself wishing that Arizona's shiny hair would get caught into one of the many zippers also on Eli's leather vest, and then shaking that thought out of her mind quickly.

Those lyrics were really something, she then thought, and the voices of the singers were establishing a dialogue that Clare believed to be the most beautiful that she had ever heard – and her heart skipped a beat when the female and male singers exchanged the 'I'll never not be your girl / You'll never not be my girl" lines, as her memory jogged to a specific time that she was at Eli's house and it had been a little obvious that Bullfrog had done something that Cece hadn't been exactly impressed by – but as he said that line to her with a smirk that had reminded her so much of Eli's, her whole demeanour seemed to soften, and she had approached him and kissed his cheek softly, and just like that, all was righted in the warm environment of the Goldsworthy home that had been her sanctuary so many times that she had been upset.

She remembered that she hadn't met Lorenzo's parents only because they lived in Italy, but her heart was filled with a powerful sadness as the song came to an end and Clare knew….she just knew that Eli had written that to capture what his parents had…and she hated that now here he was, dancing to the song with that Arizona girl, whose entire face was flushed pink and once she pulled away from Eli at the end of the song, Clare was the only one to catch the way in which Arizona looked up at Eli – putting all of her hopes into him, Clare knew.

She hated everything about this; Arizona was no Imogen and Clare knew it at once. While Imogen had been the one to put the moves on Eli, Clare could see that Arizona was doing no such thing – she was waiting for Eli to come to her, and Clare was afraid that he wasn't very far away from that.

_You'll lose him_ rang through her mind in her mother's voice, but Clare chose to shake it away and she had an idea…she just wanted to know. Was Eli _really_ over her? In her mind, that would never happen. She would only see him for a few days, she thought in a panic, but she wanted to know. And she wanted to know…_tonight_. And there was something she could do, she thought in fury as her heart sank when she saw Lorenzo leaning in close to one of the female TAs that Clare knew he worked with, but she exhaled when he pulled away in the next second – he was only whispering into her ear because it was so loud in here that you couldn't hear him otherwise, Clare told herself.

By this point, Arizona had stayed on the dance floor and Clare frowned when she saw that she was leading all of the other people out on the floor through a really complicated line dance – her red boots were turned in perfect sync with the music, stomping to the beat as she executed a series of jumps and slides – laughing uninhibitedly as everyone followed her. She was showing them when to clap to the music, the claps getting faster and faster at certain points, and her boots moving faster and faster as she shimmied and slid across the floor.

It then became obvious to Clare that Arizona was a dancer - a professional one, obviously – which accounted for her incredibly tiny frame and the way her back would arch would every turn – further and silkier than that of someone who had not spent years perfecting their craft. She was wearing a pair of dark navy skinny jeans and a shirt that was fitted like a corset at its top, though very decent and appropriate, but still incredibly sexy, especially as its bottom part was made of a satin that was highlighted by her quick turns and rotations. Clare couldn't believe how pretty she was – and it was obvious that she was a girl who loved life…of course Eli would like her, and she was so nice to Eli, Clare had been able to tell right away.

Everyone clapped for Arizona and she merely gestured back at them and told them, "Great job! You guys got it!" with a beaming smile. She then returned to the table that Eli was sitting at, and Clare noticed that he held out a water bottle to her right away. She watched as Arizona gratefully said, "Oh my God, so need that – thank you!" and jealousy poured through her veins when she remembered how thoughtful Eli always as, and how good he was at anticipating needs.

Clare decided that she had had enough, and she wanted to see where things stood now. She began walking towards Eli and Arizona only to be passed by Lorenzo, who completely ignored her. Clare was afraid he was going to bug Eli again, so she moved faster, but as she quickly saw, Lorenzo headed like a bullet right for Arizona, who backed away from him ever so slightly when she could feel the alcohol on his breath.

Clare knew that Arizona didn't know Lorenzo other than the one earlier encounter this evening, and she caught the disturbed look that Arizona threw Eli, and she definitely didn't miss the way Eli also got closer to Arizona after she shot him that look.

"You're a dancer?" Clare heard Lorenzo ask Arizona, and she was left feeling confused as to why…he was talking to her.

"No," Arizona quickly replied and turned away from Lorenzo.

"Sure you are – you dance so beautifully. Would you do me the honour of heading back out there to dance with me just one time?" Lorenzo asked, and Clare widened her eyes.

_You've got to be kidding me_, she thought. She knew Lorenzo liked dancing, but surely this was a bit too much.

"I'm okay thanks. I think I'm done for the night," Clare heard Arizona politely reply with a shy smile that Lorenzo obviously misunderstood a coy feminine manoeuvre.

"Oh come on, I'm sure I can get you in the mood again," Lorenzo replied, and Clare's eyes widened even more when she saw Lorenzo rest his hand on Arizona's arm.

She watched as Arizona became visibly nervous now, and in the next second, Clare heard her voice gain a funny tone as she softly said, "Eli," and nothing more.

Clare then saw Eli remove Lorenzo's hand from Arizona's arm with a movement so swift that she almost missed it, making her see for the first time the army training that had been invested in Eli.

His voice was deep and assertive as he slowly said, "She _said_ she doesn't want to dance with you. I suggest you listen and leave her alone," shooting Lorenzo a death glare.

Lorenzo, however, just laughed in response, and said – "Um, overreaction much? I was _just asking_, relax, dude. I know you're crazy, but this is a bit much, even for you. But then again, guess I should have thought twice before sneaking up before and angry green beret like that," he continued, and Clare watched Eli flinch at once.

When his eyes locked with hers, Clare thought that he had never looked so…betrayed, not even when he had walked into her house to find her with Fitz.

"I'm not an angry green beret, and you should be so lucky to hang out with one of those guys. You leave her alone," Eli softly repeated, and Clare saw Arizona retreat into his embrace as she wouldn't look at Lorenzo.

The entire incident made Clare retreat to the bar at once, ordering another drink as an excuse to just sit there and think about what she had just seen. Lorenzo hadn't been all that aggressive at all…but Arizona _did _look creeped out and _something_ made her call Eli's name for help, right? Eli had been watching the two of them, Clare had noticed, but he had not intervened until he was explicitly asked to do so. And why had Lorenzo asked Arizona to dance in the first place? Clare didn't know her age, but she hung out with Eli so she was probably in undergrad, and hadn't Lorenzo told her that he couldn't really be seen with undergrads and that was why he would have to be careful about being with Clare during the conference?

As she watched him go back to the original table, she kept studying Arizona out of the corner of her eye. She was gorgeous, and she had huge wavy blond hair, and her girlish hips were visible through the soft material of her shirt – but now she had on a brown leather jacket on top – she must have been too hot while dancing, Clare figured. Did Lorenzo….like how she looked? Clare looked down at her wavy purple dress paired with a Western style belt and a black blazer and kept looking back at Arizona's high heels…she wasn't dressed provocatively, just really like all the girls out west dressed; they were more liberal with their fashion, wearing lots of accessories. Why did Lorenzo want to dance with her? To…touch her? To…hold her? How had Eli felt when he had danced with Arizona? Clare had watched his face intently, and he didn't look too different from his normal self, which Clare liked – had he gotten all flustered, she probably would have exploded.

As she started to feel the alcohol rise to her head, she began thinking that tonight was her only chance to answer this Arizona question – this was the only night of the conference that they were encouraged to go out. But she knew that maybe she shouldn't do what she had in mind – it might…it might just not be good, and it was risky – Eli was so damn unpredictable that she couldn't really count on him. No, she wouldn't, she finally resolved.

And then she saw it. Lorenzo had found another dance partner, of course – one of the TAs from his table. Clare steamed with a fury a thousand times more potent than anything felt throughout the entire night – she could care less about what might or might not be happening between Eli and Arizona in that moment, and she decided to just go for it. Lorenzo had been acting horribly the entire conference, and she was _not_ a little girl who was just going to stand around moping, she thought as she pursed her lips in anger.

She'd show Lorenzo.

She'd show him all right.

So she walked right up to Eli's table and gave him a soft, "Hey," which he echoed, obviously a little confused.

"We never danced. We never had a dance. You told me a long time ago that you were sorry for hurting me and wish you could make it up to me. So dance with me – just this once, just you and me," she rapidly said, her eyes wondering where Lorenzo was now – this wouldn't work if he just up and left.

"Umm…sure," Eli replied, Clare's words shocking him at once.

"Great, let's go," she said, and she made sure to direct Eli to an area close to the one that Lorenzo and his girl were dancing by.

She could tell that Eli was hesitant, so she grabbed his hands and placed them at her sides, afterwards placing her own hands over his shoulders and bringing them together at the back of his neck.

It was only then that she looked up at him, too preoccupied with Lorenzo up until this point, and she stared into his shiny green eyes with uncertainty and confusement that made Eli smirk, as his volition was slowly weakening just by smelling Clare's shampoo again. Clare noticed that Lorenzo hadn't caught their gaze yet when she looked away, so she reached for Eli's hands and placed them on the small of her back, whispering,

"It just feels nicer this way," as she leaned closer to him, removing her hands from behind his neck and running just one of them slowly down his leather vest. It was only then that she could tell that the beat of his heart was jumping through his shirt, that his hands were holding her so softly yet so protectively at the same time, and that as she leaned in towards him more and saw that Lorenzo was now staring wide-eyed at them, she got as close to him as possible and ran both of her hands down his chest, feeling it shake ever so slightly.

She finally stopped looking around and looked up at Eli, and her heart plunged when she saw that…_there it was_, the look that she had searched for earlier – Eli _was_ completely flustered this time, and she could feel his chest tremors as a result of how nervous and overwhelmed she had made him feel. In that moment, she regretted ever doing this to him, because she hadn't noticed the effect she had had on him until now. She could feel his irregular breathing and he was looking at her as if she was the only thing in the world in this moment, and gently pulling her in so he could whisper into her ear,

"Clare…I would have taken you to that dance, you know. I wanted you so badly to say, 'Eli, I want us to go together,' but you said that if I don't like it I shouldn't come, and that…it just didn't make feel very good. I just…I had planned to take you for dinner and to that ballet you wanted to see that night, that's all – to celebrate us getting published; I wanted to do something special for my girl. But if you had wanted to go to the dance instead – with me – and told me so, I would have taken you. In a heartbeat," he said, and Clare's eyes threatened to sting with tears.

This was _bad_. This was _really bad_. What had she done? She never meant for it to get this far – and God, just looking up at him was hurting her now. She had done something _really bad_, and Eli completely thought something else was happening here. She had led him on, and he was still…fragile when it came to her, she realized. She had…manipulated him, and he'd be _so_ hurt when she'd have to reject him all over again.

She felt him get closer again, and this time she heard him say,

"I…I'm coming back to Toronto in a few months. I...I don't see a therapist anymore, I took time to get better, and if maybe you wanted to, you know I'll always lo–"

And then, just like that, she felt his hands abruptly fly off her body at once, and she saw his entire face change as he looked at her first, and then at where Lorenzo was standing.

If Clare thought that he looked betrayed before, now…she had never – not once, seen this look on his face.

She had never seen him look _this_ hurt. He looked _completely _shell-shocked, like a little kid who had been told that there really is no Santa. Clare didn't know that there had only been three other times that Eli had felt his heart drop like this – and each one of the times corresponded to the death of a person who loved him deeply and who he loved back just as fiercely.

"Eli – I," she began. "Come back, come here," she said, holding out her outstretched arms, "Please, Eli, just dance with me," she yelled over the music.

Eli was staring right into her eyes with something that Clare had never seen in them before.

"Clare - _you _can put on a show for your boyfriend all by yourself – but I'm not going to," he said, before he took off faster than Clare had ever seen him leave before.

When she looked back at Lorenzo, Clare saw that he was back to dancing with the TA whose name she didn't even know.

**Please tell me your thoughts in a review!**


	9. Standing Strong and True for Tomorrow

**Hi lovely readers, **

**Part two of the double update!**

**Please let me know your thoughts in a review, and check out my tumblr to see the real life people (they are people you will recognize!) Arizona and a new character were based off. Should help you imagine some scenes I've described. **

**Twitter: westcoasttrees1 Tumblr: westcoasttrees**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi. **

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Eli wanted to _die_.

This was something that he had only actually desired three other times in his life, despite what anyone who knew him would have guessed.

He knew that the next few minutes would be some of the hardest he would have to get through – he knew this as he paced back and forth outside the bar. He felt his hands shaking even more potently than the rest of his body. He felt tears stinging his eyes and a nervous electricity eating away at his body.

It was everywhere; pouring through his veins and shaking every muscle because there was so much anger in him that it needed a way out. _Don't punch anything, don't kick anything_, he kept telling himself, but the bench outside got its punishment, as did Eli's right foot.

Then the numb calm came.

Then back to the shaking.

Then the numb again.

Then the nervous energy again, complete with more shaking.

"Eli!" he heard her voice call, and _no…no…she can't come right now_.

_I always try to explain to her what's wrong, but I end up annoying her because I take too long and in the end it makes no sense, apparently. What's the point in even trying? _

"I'm sorry," she said, and there were tears in her eyes.

He said nothing. He knew that if he tried, it would just end up making her frustrated and angry.

"It was stupid," she added, shame practically dripping from her every word and pore.

"Say something, please, _any_thing," Clare pleaded.

_Great. But I can't – don't you get it? If I do, it won't be fast enough, it won't make any sense and you'll get mad at me because I won't be able to put it together fast enough._

"Eli, please! Talk to me," Clare screamed, and Eli flinched.

"I don't know what you want me to say," was what came out as Eli's entire body turned numb, and he hid his hands behind his back as they were the only part still left shaking.

"I don't know what I was thinking, I just…I'm sorry, okay?" Clare pleaded.

"Okay," Eli softly repeated, his breathing loud and frequent.

"Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay," he began muttering, and he felt tears when he knew that he couldn't control it, and sure enough…just like that, she looked frightened.

The crazy was taking over, he thought, and _Clare should leave now. She should leave_. _I don't want her to see this, please, anything, but her seeing this. Not in three years has this happened, please stop it, stop it. Clare don't be here. Go inside._

"Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay," he heard himself say as his mind was slowly escaping his control, and he wished he could stop. He didn't have the pills! He had left them back at the hotel.

She was backing away from him now, her eyes wide with fear.

He wanted to _die._

"Okay. Okay, okay," he whispered out.

"Eli," Clare shyly said, still backing away. "I'm…I'm going to go inside now," she told him, her entire body stiff.

_Anything but this_, Eli thought. He didn't care anymore that she had used him like that – _anything_…but her seeing him like this, but of course, it had to happen.

He saw her head through the door of the bar, but what Eli didn't see was that as Clare was walking in, Arizona was walking out.

Her blonde waves shook like those of a _very_ angry Medusa as she stared Clare right in the eye and said, "_Shame on you_. It's _not _his fault, you know. That is _not_ his fault," Arizona said, and Clare was shocked to see her eyes well with tears.

What Clare didn't know was that Arizona was remembering the children she had worked with, and one little boy in particular, whose parents used to get so frustrated with his episodes that they would hit him. "_Months _I've known him for. A year almost! And _never_ have I seen this," Arizona added.

"This is because of what_ you_ did back there. Shame on you," she snarled.

Clare was just about to protest, saying that Arizona knew nothing about her and Eli, when Arizona held her hand up and said, "Don't you talk to me. I've said all I've had to say. I can only hope that someday God puts better sense in you," as she stared at Clare's cross necklace and Clare noticed that Arizona was wearing a bracelet with tiny crosses engraved in it.

Arizona rushed past her and never gave Clare another thought, but Clare remained behind the glass door, thinking that Arizona would finally understand just how hard things were with Eli once she would try to calm him down.

She had said, Clare remembered, that she had never seen Eli like this – well, _now she would finally get it_, Clare thought.

"Eli! Eli!" Arizona called out, and Clare noticed that she had brought his jacket out. She rushed to his side and guided him over to the bench. He took a minute to look at her, and she then flashed him a warm smile and held out his jacket to him. He put it on right away, but Clare could tell that he was still whispering his desperate okays.

"Shh. Shh. It's _already_ okay, it's _already_ okay," she heard Arizona coo softly as she brought Eli into a tight hug.

"It's okay. It's okay. It's okay. It's okay," Clare heard her whisper over and over again, and she watched wide-eyed as just like that, Eli stopped shaking and pulled out of the hug and gave Arizona a tiny embarrassed smirk.

"I'm sorry…that you have to see me like this," Clare heard Eli grit out.

"Like what, silly?" Arizona asked with a smile. "Look at me, Eli," Clare heard her say assertively.

Eli obeyed at once.

"Listen to me, you listen to me," Arizona continued. "You are _just like everyone else_. You're _no different_. You got that?" Arizona asked as Clare watched her in fascination.

She saw Eli look at Arizona as if she had suddenly turned into a shiny pink alien.

"What?" he asked.

"You – Eli – are _just like everyone else_. The same. And you're allowed to be upset," she said.

"I…I can't –" he began, clenching his fists slightly.

"It's okay. You can tell me," Arizona said warmly.

"No, no, I can't, I can't! I take too long, and it comes out all wrong and it doesn't make any sense, and people get impatient and mad at me," Clare heard Eli whine.

_That….that's what he thought? That's…why he wouldn't talk to her? _

"Eli, look at me. Look at me," Arizona pleaded. "Good. That is _the most ridiculous thing_ I have ever heard. I'm not going anywhere and you're the smartest person I know. Besides, what's a little stream-of-consciousness here and there? All the best writers have done it," she said with a playful wink as Clare watched in amazement.

It had taken under thirty seconds to calm Eli down.

Once Arizona tried. Because she actually tried.

"I was stupid, Arizona. I…I really thought she was thinking about me, for a second there during that dance. _Years _of being so sure she never thought twice about me, broken down with a stupid dance! Turns out I was right all along – I'm just the stupid fool who she can put into cars as a useful third body to make her best friend angry or a body to dance up against to put on a show for her boyfriend. I'm…all wrong. Always. All wrong," Eli painfully whined.

"Oh, Eli….it makes perfect sense. I'm sorry. And you are _the furthest thing_ from all wrong – I never want to hear you say that know what I have realized though?" Arizona asked.

"What?" Eli asked as Clare's eyes began to fill with tears.

"That the one you love and the one who loves you…they're never the same, are they?" Arizona softly asked as she looked Eli right in the eye.

"I wish they were, Arizona. I wish they were," Clare heard him softly say back.

She then saw Arizona flag down a passing cab, and just like that, they were gone.

Clare took a cab by herself ten minutes later, not wanting to stay out until midnight when the shuttle would be picking everyone up.

She never got as much as a phone call or text from Lorenzo that night.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

The next day, Lorenzo weaseled his way back into Clare's good books through an apology, a tease about her young naiveté, and a twenty minute kissing session in his hotel room that Clare cut short when she felt him trying to take off her shirt.

She only saw Eli through hallway passes, and he did not glance her way a single time. She didn't go to his workshop, and every time she passed Arizona the girl ignored her and didn't even look at her once.

And Clare found that it wasn't a pleasant thing to be ignored.

It didn't feel good.

Arizona for one, took the day to gather her strengths about her, and she made sure to fill in her planner for the next month, scheduling a lot of work-outs because she knew herself, and she knew she'd be headed for a spiral very soon. But she didn't care anymore.

That night, Eli knocked on her door as soon as the conference activities were over. He flashed her a smirk, and said,

"I owe you one city tour. Ready to go? It's not too cold, and I hope you still have my jacket, otherwise I've lost it," as he playfully frowned.

"It's right here," Arizona said, taking it off the hook and holding it out to Eli as he stood in her doorway.

Eli watched her fold it neatly before placing it in his hands, and he raised an eyebrow in her direction.

"I think in order to be warm, you actually need to put it on," he teased.

"Eli…it's okay. We're not going to do the city tour. I don't need it, and…you don't really want to do it," Arizona whispered, and Eli panicked when he saw her eyes get red.

"What are you talking about? It's part of the 'Arizona survives Toronto' plan, come on," he tried to encourage her.

"Eli…there's no 'Arizona survives Toronto,' there's no tour, there's no dinner when we get back…just do me a favour and forget about it, okay?" she said sweetly, finality in her voice.

Eli exhaled deeply and ran his fingers through his hair as he asked,

"Can I ask why? It feels like you're closing the door on our friendship. Is it…because of how you saw me last night?" he said.

"_Absolutely_ not. There's nothing wrong with you, Eli. You're the same as everybody else," she assertively told him. "And I'm not closing the door on our friendship, Eli, but…I haven't been completely honest with you," Arizona admitted.

"What do you mean?" he asked.

"I love our friendship – trust me, I love it _so_ much – but…this weekend made me see something clearly. You…are still in love with Clare Edwards," she whispered.

"It's why you came to UBC even, isn't it? You were assigned to U of T – you're bloody brilliant, I know they wouldn't have sent you back – but…she was. And you switched with her," Arizona said as Eli slowly nodded.

"But…I don't understand. What does this have to do with me and you and our friendship? And I…I don't like who Clare is right now, but…I still - I just can't stop," Eli admitted.

"Well, that's the thing, Eli. You might not like who she is now, but you can't help who you love, no matter how many times they hurt you. And don't you get it, Eli? It _has_ to do with me and you, because…I always hoped we could be more than friends. But this weekend I saw that it's never going to happen. So…I'm sorry. I really like city tours, and I don't want one to be associated with this particular moment," Arizona painfully told him.

Eli's whole demeanour then softened as he flashed her a heartbroken look.

Those tears that were in her eyes, he thought – were there because of him. This was the sunniest girl he had ever met in his entire life – and of course, she met him. So now there were tears instead of a smile.

"Arizona…I didn't know," Eli said.

"Really?" Arizona shot back at once, incredulity sketched all over her face.

"Okay - I might…I might have suspected something a few times," Eli then admitted.

"It's okay, Eli. It really is. I'm a stupid girl, don't worry about it," Arizona said as she shook her head and hid her gaze from Eli.

"You're not stupid," Eli corrected her at once.

"I'm really sorry if I led you on," he whispered.

"You didn't. I just…I just let myself get a little lost in what-ifs, that's all," Arizona kindly told him. "I'm a stupid girl," she repeated.

"You're not. Arizona…you know what you are?" Eli said as he leaned against her partway opened door.

She didn't say anything, only shrugged her shoulders.

Eli sighed deeply before he looked her right in the eyes and softly said, "Arizona…you're the girl…that I _want to_ want," and she watched as a tear escaped his eye.

Arizona gave him a tiny smile.

"Hm. But you don't. It's okay, Eli, I get it," she replied.

"Arizona, it's not like I haven't thought about it either – and…if my life were in Vancouver, and if I weren't leaving…we'd be giving it a try, you know," Eli gently told her.

"That, Eli, would be a mistake. You…I'm not the girl you love, and I won't be a stand-in for her," Arizona sternly told him, and Eli flinched with pain and guilt and shame as he remembered Imogen.

"It wouldn't be like that," Eli told her, honesty lacing his voice. "I'd love you right, Arizona. I would…if I could," he added.

"But you _can't_. Because you _don't_. But you don't have to worry about it, I'm okay," Arizona said, straightening her plaid shirt out. "And I'm really happy for you, Eli. Clare will come around - you'll see – that boyfriend of hers will screw her over. You'll win her back, and you'll be happy together. She's really pretty, Eli, I get it," Arizona said, and Eli did not like the way Arizona said that one bit.

It was the same look on her face as the one that she had had when she had told Eli about the girl who her long-time boyfriend had cheated with.

Arizona asked him to leave then – gently and politely, but Eli heard the sobs on the other side of the door as soon as she closed it, and he hated himself.

The next morning, as everyone was preparing to leave, for the first time since coming to Toronto for the conference, he had no clue where Clare was – nor did he care.

Eli has suspected something about Arizona and body issues for a while now; ever since she had drunkenly told him about her dance background, and referred to the girl who had betrayed her as "really pretty," the same words she had used for Clare last night. When she didn't come down for breakfast, his palms began to get sweaty. Had something happened to her last night?

He worried for another hour, until finally he saw her come down to the conference room just in time for the sessions to start. Her hair was a little messy and hidden by a blue beret that she loved, but Eli didn't get to talk to her in the hustle and bustle of the different workshops.

When all of the UBC students got onto the airport shuttle, Eli didn't notice Clare looking at him, because he didn't like that he hadn't seen Arizona at lunch either – and now here she was, with her iPOD in her ears, something she never did when she was surrounded by other people.

She didn't sit with him on the shuttle, which only made him more remorseful.

He missed her laughter and her funny comments, and he had hoped they could sit together as they did their homework.

But she had opted to sit at the very front while he had already been at the back of the shuttle when she entered.

Eli saw that she was sitting with a girl who he had seen her talk to before, and she quickly ran out of the shuttle for a moment, went inside the hotel, and re-emerged a few minutes later.

Eli heard the girl sitting next to her ask,

"So, did you like Toronto?" and he saw Arizona put her bag down with a huge thud as she said,

"All I can say is…it's time to _get the hell out_ of Toronto! God-awful city, I _hate it_ here and I _can't wait_ to be back to Vancouver. I should have never come here, and next time I'll know better".

He had never heard such…hate and venom from Arizona, and it took him by surprise. He knew that what she had just said was the closest she would ever come to swearing, and as he looked out the window, he knew he needed a plan.

At the airport, Eli watched her throw on her 'I AM UBC' hoodie as she bought eight little identical souvenirs – cute little Toronto, Ontario engraved bracelets - and Eli knew at once that they would end up in tiny little hands as she was obviously buying them to share with her dance girls.

He felt completely heartbroken to see her going through the motions of life so…quiet. She had her iPOD on the entire time they were in the airport, and soon she pulled out her boarding pass and Eli saw her draw a heart next to the destination name, her eyes a little red. He watched from a distance as she went to Starbucks without any hesitation while most of the students opted for Tim Horton's and she came back with a huge coffee, and through her headphones she could hear the anthem of the 2010 Olympics that Bryan Adams had sung with Nelly Furtado – a song all about Vancouver. He saw her close her eyes and pretend to fall asleep.

She didn't sit next to him on the plane, and when they touched down in Vancouver, Eli was shocked to see her wave bye to the girl that she had hung out with during the journey – she wasn't going back to campus with everyone?

He called out her name in worry, but she didn't hear him as she began running towards a bus that was about to leave from another stop.

Eli quickly read its number.

_234 West Van/British Properties. _

XXXXXXXXXXXX

It didn't help Eli's panic that Arizona never came to class on Monday. He tried everything – pathetic 'call me as soon as you get this' tweets, many voicemails and texts.

By Tuesday 4pm, he was a mess as he sat in one of the rooms in the Writing Centre, counting down the minutes until Arizona was due to start her shift.

Dana, Eli's boss, was just walking into the centre holding a cup of tea, and she, as always, came in and kindly greeted Eli.

"Hi, Eli. How was your trip home for the few days of the conference?"

"Where's Arizona?" Eli blurted out, no longer able to contain it, and taking Dana aback.

"Oh – she should be here any minute; she missed work yesterday because she said she didn't feel well after the conference?" Dana asked inquisitively, and the look in her eyes told Eli that Dana was surprised to have Arizona bow out of work.

"Did she get sick out there, Eli? Because it was so much colder than what she's used to?" Dana asked Eli, shooting him a perfectly disappointed look that told Eli that Dana was not impressed that Eli had not looked after his friend well.

"She…she was unwell at the end there," Eli awkwardly said.

Just as he was trying to come up with a way to ask Dana if she had noticed anything about Arizona skipping a meal or two, Eli heard the girl's bright voice politely greet their boss.

"Oh! Hi sweetheart. Are you feeling any better?" Eli saw Dana warmly ask her.

"Lots. I feel just as good as I did before I left," Arizona said with a small smile Eli's way as she flashed him a wave.

But at the lunchtime meeting, Eli didn't like the way Arizona avoided his look while she only drank some cranberry juice, telling Dana that she had just eaten before when the older lady asked.

That night, Eli stayed up tormented by his thoughts – who could he turn to? Her parents? He didn't have their phone numbers.

What could he do to get her to see what Eli knew that every single boy on the UBC campus saw when they looked at her? He wasn't blind, and every time he was in her presence, he always saw guys look at Arizona first, and only register his presence many seconds later, looking ever so dejected.

Eli tossed and turned until all of a sudden…he saw clearly. The image of Bullfrog came to his mind, and Eli thought about what his dad would advise him to do in this situation.

The next morning, Eli found himself on that 228 West Van/British Properties bus.

XXXXXXXXXXXX

"Arizona, it's me. It's Eli. Open up, I know you're in there – or I swear to God I will knock your door down, and you should know better than to test me," he softly said as he knocked at her apartment door.

The door flung open quickly and soon, Eli saw Arizona – her hair now a bit shorter and no longer wavy.

"Jesus, Eli, way to announce yourself," she said with a smile.

"Get your coat. We're going out," Eli told her determinedly.

"Woah, hang on, I'm trying to write a paper. I'm not…I'm not going with you, Eli," Arizona softly told him, staring into the corner.

"You kidnapped me twice, Arizona. Twice. Now it's my turn," Eli insisted.

He saw Arizona fold her arms across her chest as she whispered, "Where are we going?"

"First, we're going to lunch – I owe you a nice meal out for surviving Vancouver," Eli boldly said.

"I'm not hungry," Arizona replied, much too quickly for Eli's taste.

"You're killing me," Arizona heard Eli whisper after a long time, and she was shocked when he looked up. His eyes were teary and red as he repeated, "You're killing me. You're not eating and I…I don't know how to make you stop," Eli confessed.

It was a long time before Arizona spoke.

"How did you notice that?" she asked.

"Because I'm your friend, Arizona, and that's what friends do – they look out for each other. So please, let me help you," Eli pleaded.

"I just…I want to be pretty too," Arizona whispered. "Like Wendy, and like…your Clare," she confessed.

"Wendy doesn't hold a candle to you, Arizona, and Clare is everything but mine, I assure you that. But you have a beauty that's unlike everything I've ever seen before," Eli told her.

"What do you mean?" Arizona asked in confusion.

"You…don't say a mean thing. Never. Not once. Well, maybe only about Toronto, but Toronto isn't a person," Eli added with a chuckle. "You…are the most non-judgemental person I have ever met in my life, Arizona. All you want to do is help people. Sometimes I think you don't even realize how much you do exactly that – help everyone. Without you, I'd be lost out here. But it kills me that you put everyone else before yourself, and it's time we change that. Will you let me…change that a bit?" Eli asked her.

"I…I don't know, Eli. I…have a problem. I'm…messy. I'm not this perfect, bright girl that you think I am," Arizona said as she blushed.

"Oh, but you are," Eli replied with a smirk, "and this…eating thing," Eli stumbled. "You've conquered it once before, haven't you?" Eli asked as Arizona nodded.

"And we can do it again, just watch," Eli said. "I have a confession," he added.

"What's that?" Arizona asked.

"I stole your car," Eli said with a smirk as he held up a pair of keys that were familiar to Arizona.

"Eli! You went to West Van and stole my car? My dad's gonna kill you!" Arizona screamed in horror.

"Relax – stole was used as a metaphor. I went to West Van and I told your dad that you were going to learn how to drive – because you are. I'm going to teach you," Eli said, flashing her an even larger smirk.

"I don't know," Arizona hesitated.

"This is your car. Your life. And you shouldn't let some jerk affect it. And come on – I'm an excellent instructor, I promise. I want to see you get your license before I leave in a few months," Eli added, and his heart leapt with joy as he saw a slow smile spread over Arizona's face and she laughed before nodding her head.

"Awesome," Eli declared with a head bang. "And…one more thing. But this one you might really hate me for," Eli hesitated.

"Oh God, Eli, what did you do know?" Arizona playfully asked.

"I…signed you up for PartnerSearch," Eli blurted out, and he watched Arizona's eyes widen in response.

"What! Eli, tell me you didn't! How on earth do you even know what PartnerSearch is?" Arizona asked, and Eli felt her exasperation.

"I…talked to your dad about your dancing; it just sort of…came up when I explained to him about the car. And he said that it wasn't that easy, that first you needed to find a partner and do it through Partner Search," Eli explained.

"Ugh! Eli! I can't believe this! Well, you'd better come in, at least," Arizona said, and after she had offered Eli a Coke from the mini fridge in her room, she sat down next to him at the table.

"You need to take my name off PartnerSearch," she strictly told him.

"Arizona, just hear me out. Do you know what a big deal it was when you left the dance scene? Within two hours of putting your name up, I got 16 emails! 16! Every single one of them was like, 'Please, please, please consider me. Can't believe Arizona Calloway is coming back, been praying for this my whole life," Eli told her.

"Really?" Arizona softly asked.

"I know it's hard when you breakup with that special person and you shared your passion with them. Trust me, I know it's awful. But it's your art, Arizona, and you shouldn't be letting it go to waste. I was lucky enough to have someone pull me out of my funk and get me writing again, and I just thought you should try it. It's…who you are, Arizona. At work, in between appointments, you take off your shoes and dance ever so slightly around the room as you are putting pencils and reference books back, and…it's when you look most radiant, you know," Eli shared with her.

"Oh God, I can't believe you've noticed me doing that," Arizona said, embarrassment all over her face.

"No, Eli, no, I can't," she then added. "I'm not going to be meeting up with random dudes that you found on Partner Search," Arizona said.

"It's not like that – over my dead body would you go alone. I'll come with you, and actually, I think…there's one guy you should really consider. I read his email – more like, his little essay –"Eli said with a chuckle, "and I met him this morning for coffee. This guy…I don't know anything about dancing, and you know that, but even I can tell this guy would make a great partner. Does the name Kenny Wellington ring a bell?" Eli asked.

"Yeah, I know of him – never really met him, but he has a partner of his own. They're good," Arizona said.

"Well, turns out you're not the only one with a scumbag partner – Kenny no longer has a partner, and he is dying to work with you. Says that you two could beat everyone. I've never seen a more determined guy, Arizona. When I met him at Blue Chip, he said that he couldn't believe his lucky stars when he saw your name on PartnerSearch – said he would do anything to get a chance to meet with you. Offered me a foot massage – I kid you not," Eli said with a disgusted look on his face as Arizona laughed.

"Well, I've never talked to him," Arizona still hesitated.

"He told me that he always wanted to be your partner, but never had a chance. You should have seen the way he looked when he talked about you. I asked everyone who emailed why exactly they wanted to be your partner," Eli specified.

"What did he say?' Arizona asked curiously.

"He said that he watched you dance for many years, but that he was just not as good as you. He added that in the time since you stopped, he's worked on getting better, always secretly hoping that maybe by the time you came back – if you came back – he could dance with you and have you look at him…the way he always looked up at you from the audience," Eli said with a mischievious smile.

He smirked when he saw Arizona cover her face with her hands as she pretended to straighten out her bangs, blushing and saying,

"Okay, okay. Won't hurt to have one meeting with him," she gave in.

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

Two months later, Eli was sitting in the first few rows of Vancouver's Centre for the Performing Arts, and he knew he wasn't a fan of dance, but it was the big showcase night, as Arizona had told him, so as the faithful friend that he was, Eli came, ready to watch patiently and he made sure to pick up a bouquet of flowers to hand to Arizona at the end of the show.

Eli wasn't as blind as Arizona and Kenny insisted on being until after the showcase; he had known from his first meeting with Kenny that he had admired Arizona for years. Eli had walked into the coffee shop to find a handsome guy with short brown hair, wearing dark jeans, a white T-shirt, and a cool black leather jacket, waiting for him, bursting with excitement that he was given a shot. He had told Arizona – once Eli had allowed him that meeting after pre-screening him – that when she had stopped dancing, the dance world lost its brightest star, and after a series of convincing arguments, Arizona had agreed to train with him. The girl found that with the increased exercise, her diet found its balance, and just like Eli had said, they were able to overcome it together…as well as with the help of Kenny. Eli had gotten to know Kenny over the last two months, and he judged him as perfect for Arizona – he was her age, an engineering student at UBC so the three of them often hung out on campus as well, and he worshipped the ground he walked on.

But nowhere had it been more obvious as it was on the stage. Eli didn't understand exactly what every movement symbolized, but as Arizona stepped out in a white dress made of a form-fitting corset and a flowing dress and only broke out into an electric smile once Kenny joined her on stage, his every question was answered. He didn't know what this step or that step was called, and he didn't know if Kenny's foot movements were correct or not, but Eli only really needed one question answered to tell if Kenny was a good partner for Arizona or not.

And Eli did indeed have it answered. Every time; every single time that they would do a lift or Arizona would do a jump or a trick, Kenny was _always_ there for her. Ready to catch her and hold her securely, putting her down ever so gently, looking right into her eyes. To Eli, it seemed only right that their showcase piece was to the song of the Footloose remake, "Holding Out for a Hero".

Kenny _was_ Arizona's hero, and it was written all over their face that night, as they danced on a softly lit stage, yellow lights framing Arizona's golden wavy hair, and Kenny catching her time and time again and lifting her absolutely flawlessly each and every single time.

When Eli met them backstage and gave Arizona his flowers, he turned down their dinner invitation because he saw the look on Kenny's face as he encouraged Eli to come out with them – and if that wasn't the look of a guy who only wanted to spend time finally asking the girl he loved to be his girlfriend, Eli wasn't sure what would be.

The fact that Arizona was glowing all the next day told Eli everything he needed to know, and she coyly admitted that Kenny and her had shared a first kiss and that they were officially a couple. Eli knew that Kenny was serious about Arizona, and that he wanted the real deal; he had warned Kenny that he had found a very special girl and that he should never break her heart once he had caught onto the fact that Kenny was going to ask Arizona out after their showcase.

Two weeks later, it was a freshly-certified new driver Arizona that drove Eli to the airport.

They shared a friendly hug at the departure gate, and just as Eli turned around, Arizona called out to him,

"Hey! Toronto boy," and he turned around with a smirk.

"Yes?" he asked.

"Thank you, Eli. For everything…for giving me my life back. I'm really glad I met you, you know," Arizona said with an energetic smile.

"Me too, Arizona. Don't be a stranger. You and Kenny call me if you're ever in Toronto," Eli said.

"Will do. Goodbye, Eli," Arizona said, smiling at him just as brightly as she had when she had first told him her name in the warm Vancouver sun that was now re-emerging once again.

"Goodbye, Arizona," Eli replied, flashing her a pleased smirk before walking into the terminal and taking a deep breath.

He was happy to be heading back home, making it just in time to present his grad thesis to the U of T board before the semester was out; Eli had accepted an offer to work as a research assistant for the head of the English Department in the upcoming school year, so he wanted to do his thesis defence at U of T instead of UBC, and the request had logically been granted to Eli by his future boss.

So Eli was ready to say goodbye to his time in Vancouver, an experience he would always remember as

After all, he knew he only had a few days there.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX – Five days later-

"Well, he's on the committee for thesis defences, but I'm just going to sit at the back of the large lecture hall and wait for him, because we're going to hang out after," Clare justified to her mother, as she had already moved back home for the summer after her last final.

"Is he taking you out for a meal or something?" Helen asked, obvious displeasure on her face at the thought of Clare spending time with Lorenzo.

"Uh huh. Yes," Clare lied, knowing that such a thing wouldn't be in the cards – Lorenzo had stopped taking her out lately, though Clare didn't know the reason for it.

"I gotta head out to the bank, I can drop you off if you want," Jake offered as he overheard Clare's conversation with her mom when he was walking down the stairs.

"Sure," Clare said, being eager to go so she could escape her mom's peppering questions.

Once they got to campus, Jake offered to sit with Clare through the 'boring stuff' as he put it, as his loan request was being reviewed by the bank and he was told to return within an hour or so.

But after Clare walked into the lecture hall that Lorenzo had given her the number off, she never expected…Eli to be the student at the front of the panel of professors and TAs. And despite the fact that she had walked in quietly, with Jake slipping in right behind her, she saw Eli look at her at once, and a flash of confusion was immediately reflected on his face. But then…in a moment that made Clare so ashamed, he looked at Lorenzo and nodded ever so slightly.

As Clare took a seat towards the back of the room, she slowly registered everyone else who was in the large 100 person lecture hall; she knew that the large rooms were booked for important events such as theses defenses, and that students often invited parents and significant professors to support them.

She felt a sharp pang in her chest when she registered the young blonde lady holding a baby on her lap with a man sitting next to her who was holding a diaper bag on his own lap – because as the lady turned around at the noise that Clare and Jake's chairs made…God, it took Clare aback at once. Eli's aunt was now at the same age that Cece had been when Clare had last seen her, and the resemblance was so striking.

But that was not his mom, Clare thought sadly – and that was certainly not Bullfrog by her side. The baby looked to be just under one year old, Clare judged accurately – and although Clare couldn't see her face, it was obvious that it was a little girl by her long blonde curls – they were so soft and beautiful that they made Clare wonder at the little miracle that babies truly were at once.

Clare saw Adam give her a small, confused wave – he had no idea she would be coming. Clare noticed he was sitting with Fiona and Imogen. She also saw that Imogen's fingers were interlaced with those of Eli's friend Daniel that Clare knew by sight, and Clare could only see Daniel's back, noticing that he was wearing a very sharp blue blazer.

She also recognized all of the professors that were posing questions to Eli, as well as a professor who Eli had clearly invited as the custom was – and Clare knew him as well; it was her second-year Canadian studies professor, Dr. Stevenson. She was surprised to see him in full military uniform, but then she reflected that it was not much of a shocker after all – he had shown them so many pictures of his different missions.

Clare then heard Jake chuckle, "Leave it to Eli to wear combat boots with dress pants," and Clare silently laughed along with Jake, because it was always easy to do.

However, she soon silenced Jake when she heard Lorenzo pose a question to Eli.

"Mr. Goldsworthy, you write here in your conclusion that perhaps Hemingway didn't have to end the way he did. Can you expand on that?" Lorenzo asked, confidence steaming from his every pore.

Clare hoped she would remember what he had promised her about being gentle to Eli; this was his thesis defence – it was very important, and Clare didn't want to see Eli lose his cool. Besides, he was performing this thesis defense duty a year early, Clare reasoned – it was obvious that he had worked very hard to get to this point, and she didn't wish for it to be ruined.

"Certainly," Eli replied, and Clare softly smiled when she saw that along with his dark navy dress pants, Eli was wearing just a plain grey T-shirt, his guitar necklace prominent. She thought she could make out the beginnings of a brand marking on the T-shirt as she studied it more closely, but all she saw was "Ver-" and she couldn't make out the rest.

"It's a connection that ties into the overall question I pose in the conclusion – that had Hemingway also lived through the Vietnam and the Cold War era, it would have been interesting to see if the technological developments that arose then would have influenced him to produce perhaps another _A Farewell to Arms_," Eli explained, referring to the central primary text that he had based his thesis on.

"Interesting. What makes you believe he would have continued writing? He took his own life because the bipolar finally got the best of him," Clare heard Lorenzo ask, and she hid her face from Jake's inquiring look.

"What the hell?" she heard Jake whisper, and she had to admit, she thought Lorenzo was crossing a line as well…and Clare was afraid that he was doing it on purpose.

"He committed suicide, yes," Eli continued, "So it's just a hypothesis – we'll never know what would have happened if he had gotten proper help and continued to produce the best writing American literature has seen," he stated calmly.

"Exactly," Lorenzo smugly replied. "So what's the point of even posing that question? That's all there is to Hemingway – he never got over Agnes' rejection, and eventually it drove him so crazy that he killed himself," Lorenzo continued as Clare saw Eli exhale deeply and look at the ground.

"I wouldn't exactly put it like that," Eli replied.

"How would you put it, Mr. Goldsworthy?" Lorenzo insisted.

"I believe that Hemingway had many years left in him. Sure, I'm sure he had nights where he thought he wouldn't see the morning sun and days that felt so dark that he couldn't wait for night to come," Eli said as Clare felt an ache in her heart.

_ Was that how Eli had felt? _

"But I also believe that had he gotten help –" Eli started, and Lorenzo interrupted him.

"If he would have gotten help, he would have never produced this work that you identify as the greatest novel of the twentieth century," Lorenzo retorted.

"I disagree, respectfully," Clare saw Eli respond with perfect confidence. "He was doing well when he was writing – it was when he stopped that he began to feel more desperate. And had the world around him known enough about what it was like to be bipolar, he could have gotten the proper help and written works that were even better – there's not a doubt in my mind about this. Not just him – but also Edgar Allan Poe, Virginia Woolf – all writers in similar situations. And Hemingway's Agnes was a nurse, for crying out loud – if she would have known enough, she could have helped him reach the right channels," Eli insisted.

"_His _Agnes was another man's Agnes, Mr. Goldsworthy. She left him, or did you forget?" Lorenzo venomously shot.

"It's not about Agnes, it about him and his works. And that – based on the research that I have done and the expertise I have gathered, is just an inference that I draw, that's all," Eli insisted as Clare felt a heavy weight on her chest.

"Well, it's too bad the crazy ultimately got the best of him," Lorenzo softly said, staring Eli right in the eye.

"Crazy or not crazy – the man was the best American writer arguably of all time. That's all there is to it at the end of the day, and my thesis explores his narrative technique in _A Farewell to Arms, _and that's it really," Eli replied passionately.

Clare then flinched as she heard Lorenzo laugh.

"I'm sorry, I can't even – the hypocrisy is so blatant, I can't even take this seriously," Lorenzo scoffed incredulously.

Clare then heard one of the female professors at the table assertively say, "Perhaps you should make your way out of the room then. Mr. – I'm sorry, I forgot your name. Dr. Huffington, can you remove your _child, _please?" she asked bitterly, addressing Lorenzo's supervisor.

"Oh – no – no, I'd like to answer all questions. That is the point of a defense, is it not?" Eli said with a confident hand gesture as she gestured at the panel.

"Please, let Lorenzo continue – he obviously has concerns over my thesis, and I'd like to address them," Clare saw Eli smugly say, with a little gleam in his eye that she did not like one bit.

"I just can't believe the hypocrisy of a student writing about _A Farewell to Arms_ while he's in the army! While he's a part of the war _pigs_ that march on - they have finally found another country where they will hide the death of countless innocent lives. If you really wanted to provide change, you'd go in there and provide food, water, and safety and stand up and end this senseless war," Lorenzo angrily said.

An eerie silence took over the entire room, and Clare noticed Imogen putting her arm around Daniel – who Clare knew was also in the forces.

A few gasps were heard from the panel of professors, and Clare's skin got goose bumps all over it as she saw Dr. Stevenson stand up to six full six feet three inches and walk down to the panel table and join them, despite the fact that he was an International Relations and Political Science professor and was only here at Eli's invitation as he had served as an advisor on Eli's thesis – particularly on the portion that discussed the Spanish Civil War and World War I and II. His shiny black shoes made a large noise as they collided with the floor, and Clare saw Lorenzo grimace when he saw Dr. Stevenson in his full military uniform.

It was another two seconds before Eli spoke, staring Lorenzo straight in the eye with a look that Clare had never observed in Eli before.

"I think you forget, Sir, that _A Farewell to Arms _would have never been produced had it not been for Hemingway's own experience in not one, not two, but _three_ wars. He served as an ambulance driver in World War I, he covered the Spanish Civil war for the media, and he was present during the Normandy landings and the liberation of Paris in World War II. Had Hemingway himself never served with the forces, this book – if not _the_, then definitely one of the finest texts of American lit – never would have been produced. And as for the war pigs marching on innocent civilian accusation – forgive me, Sir, but it is I who cannot take you seriously. I understand you are a TA from another department and another country, so let me inform you that Canada has never started a war, and we are the nation who developed the practices of peacekeeping. Canada has participated in every single peace keeping mission since 1946," Eli finished.

"Sure – boys doing it for the money," Lorenzo countered, as Clare saw Dr. Stevenson shake his head bitterly.

"I assure you they don't do it for that; there's bills that they can't pay," Eli replied, "no one would do it just for the money," he added.

"For the glory, then, that antiquated concept of it anyway," Lorenzo pushed.

"Not that either. They do it because they are taking a responsibility for their families, mostly. Or because the army provides skills opportunities that other employers don't. But please, don't stand there and say that forces should take food and water supplies and ensure safety of the people as if it's this whole new revolutionary idea – protection of civilians and humanitarian aid the very definition of what Canada is doing abroad – peacekeeping," Eli spelled out.

"And for that you need to carry a gun with you?" Lorenzo fired.

"Yes, yes you do, a gun and sometimes even more of what's called your 'combat kit,' Eli explained. "Because you can't keep people safe and well fed and protected if insurgents will shoot you first," Eli said, shaking his head as he stared right at Lorenzo.

"Those thousands of people are being killed by their own so called governments – many times for doing as much as having five peasants have a meeting in a room without a representative from the army being there – that's called behaviour against the state. Journalists can't report on it, or else they get beaten, tortured and killed, so the word never leaves the country. I guarantee you that if the Canadian forces are entering, thousands of people have already been killed by their own governments and Canada is entering on a peacekeeping mission aimed at establishing a secure environment above all else. Any more questions, I'd be glad to answer, but I have an appointment I must keep," Eli finished, and Clare watched him remove all of this rings and his guitar necklace, walking to the front of the series of chairs and handing them to Adam.

What on earth was he doing, she wondered.

Eli then said – "But you don't have to take my word for it – one of Canada's top policy makers is in this room at the very moment," Eli said, gesturing towards the panel of professors. "Dr. Stevenson, anything to add to my incredibly rapid explanation?" Eli asked.

"Just that I'm so happy that so many men and women fought for freedom so this young man here could sit here today and express his opinion – because in our country, we can do that and not be shot for it. That's all," Dr. Stevenson emphatically said, and Clare saw Lorenzo become visibly embarrassed when addressed by one of the Faculty's most respected professors.

Eli then looked to Dr. Gilbert and said, "Sir, thank you so much for the opportunity to conduct my thesis defence early. I wish I could give you a specific, concrete date from when I am going to be handing in my corrections, but due to the circumstances, I just…I just can't," he said, and Clare wondered why Eli was saying all of these things…not making any sense.

Clare then watched as she saw Dr. Gilbert stand up, walk over to Eli and shake his hand firmly – something she had never seen the Head of the Department do to any other student ever before. His gaze locked with Eli's as he replied,

"You don't worry about that young man. It's perfect the way it is. No corrections needed. It's an honour to work with you, Eli," Dr. Gilbert said, and Clare was now downright shocked.

"Thank you, Sir," Eli emphatically replied, and Clare's heart dropped when she saw Eli walk over to the chair that was behind the desk at the front of the room and…he pulled out a jacket that Clare recognized at once from newspapers, magazines, news coverage…it was a forces jacket.

_That's why he is wearing those navy dress pants. With combat boots. Dear God, no. no. no. no. no. ._

But her worse fear was confirmed as she saw Eli put on the dark navy jacket – Clare now realized that it was the same as the one that Daniel was wearing. She analyzed its golden buttons, recognizing Canada's coat of arms being engraved in the brass of each button. It was also embroidered in large gold thread on Eli's pocket. She now saw the full Latin word 'Veritas' embroidered on each of his sleeve, and she tried not to focus on how…handsome and masculine Eli looked in his uniform.

Clare noticed that on his shoulders there were small rectangular patches and that Eli had a gold stripe sewn on top of one, while Dr. Stevenson's uniform had four of them, obviously indicating his high rank – Clare knew that he had Colonel standing in the army, and she wondered what Eli's rank was and what exactly he did. But more precisely, where he would be going. Why did they need him when he said that all he did was write?

She watched him put on a navy beret as well – the country's coat of arms elegantly sewn into the stand-up band of the fabric, and she kicked herself mentally for not noticing that his hair was cut so much shorter – but it was not the army buzz cut that you would expect – just neatly trimmed and not so long. His uniform was different from Dr. Stenvenson's though, and not the army green that she expected. It looked more like a suit, though obviously military, but Clare did see that it was of the same kind as Daniel's.

She heard the baby that Eli's aunt was holding fuss ever so slightly, and she watched as the little girl's mom cooed her softly, never taking her eyes of her nephew, obvious fear in her eyes.

Eli shook the hands of every single professor – and Clare frowned when she saw that Lorenzo was the only one not to wish Eli well.

She then watched Eli head up the stairs and pass her without a glance as his family and friends also got up.

She sat frozen in the lecture hall as everyone made their way out, until she heard Jake say,

"You coming? I want to say bye to Eli, Clare," Jake said as if he was Eli's super awesome BFF and he was obviously not going to miss this chance. It felt so eerie to Clare to hear Jake insist on sending Eli off, and she reasoned that surely if Jake thought this to be normal for him, it would also be normal and acceptable for her to do the same, and Lorenzo had probably headed back to his office and forgotten that he had asked Clare to meet him down in the lecture hall, Clare thought.

"Yeah, I am," Clare said, and she followed Jake out onto the overcast campus.

In that moment, it felt like a completely different world to Clare.

A large grey and black Greyhound-style bus was waiting just at the end of the tree-lined avenue, and it was neatly labelled, "Fight with the Canadian Forces". To Clare, war had seemed like a far off thing, relegated to the Middle East and the most desperate parts of Africa – and now here it was, infringing on her campus.

She never realized what a reality it was for so many people – for so many…students, she thought as she saw them coming from all directions of the campus, clearly all heading for the same bus. She saw a few girls as well as boys, and she was puzzled by the fact that everyone but Eli and Daniel _was_ wearing army green – the pants and jacket combination with their name printed on the right side and 'Canada' on the other. Eli and Daniel had the same writing in the same position, but they were wearing more formal uniform, and she wanted to know why.

She stood almost frozen, feeling like she couldn't breathe as she saw boys emerge from all directions, walking with their family and girlfriends that all had the same look on their faces as Imogen, Clare noted. She had never seen anything like that look. Imogen was holding Daniel's left hand and her other one was tightly gripping his arm, as if he might vanish into thin air any second now. She was staring straight ahead, not blinking…not even once. Walking like a statute would, and again and again Clare saw the same stoic expression as girlfriends and fiancées and wives escorted the ones they loved to the bus that would take them to an airfield that would take them far, far away.

She realized that girls and boys of every age and every faculty were joining Eli and Daniel. All but the two boys she knew were wearing their army green and carrying plain green bags carrying all of their belongings. There was a contingent of boys who had 'Engineers Without Borders' all walking together towards the bus from the engineering section of campus, and a group of seven or so others had the Red Cross emblem added to their uniform, coming from the direction of the campus hospital.

She looked over at Eli to see him now holding his cousin as his aunt kissed his forehead, and Clare could hear her say,

"Your mom would have been so proud of you, baby boy. Your dad too. You come back safe to me now," as her voice was breaking. Eli's uncle shook his hand, and Clare saw Eli gently rock Mia in his arms, as she rewarded him with playful giggles that amused Eli to no end, making the baby's laughs such a stark contrast to the seriousness of the situation.

"E-Eli…can you say Eli, pretty girl?" Clare heard him ask Mia playfully as he placed a kiss in her bouncy blonde curls.

Eli's aunt laughed and said, "Eli – she's only ten months – she hasn't even started walking yet. Besides, the first word she's gonna say is going to be 'mama,'" she joked as her husband rolled his eyes in her direction.

"You come back safe to me, all right?" Clare heard her repeat, and Eli just nodded in response as he side-hugged her and thanked her for driving all the way down from Hamilton to see him off.

She then saw Fiona approach him, and she thought she was going to cry when she saw Fiona hold out a…watch to Eli, saying,

"My dad says no one in the field should have to go without the latest model – you can put mp3s on it for when it's boring, he says, because you're not allowed iPods, and it has a GPS built in too," she said as she smiled brightly at Eli.

"Wow – Fi – this is so nice. You shouldn't have," Eli replied, but Fiona insisted and Clare watched her place the watch on Eli's wrist, rolling up the sleeve of his jacket and doing everything for him as he was still holding Mia, who reached out and pulled Fiona's hair, liking its pretty colour and curls. Fiona just laughed in amusement, and Eli apologized with a laugh.

She watched Eli's look of surprise as Jake shook his hand and slapped his shoulder, wishing him a safe trip. Eli's aunt then grabbed Mia from his arms.

As Clare looked to the side, she saw Imogen pull away from Daniel's kiss, and Clare noticed…a ring on her finger, which definitely surprised her. Daniel reluctantly let go of the girl he loved, and Clare watched as she sternly addressed both Eli and Daniel and told them,

"Now you two look out for each other – like brothers, you got it? Stay together and come back to me – both of you, safe and sound. Okay? Promise me," Imogen pleaded as Clare saw tears fall from her eyes.

"Promise, love," she heard Daniel reply as he looked longingly at her, while Clare saw Eli just nod and give her arm a gently squeeze.

Daniel then pulled her into another hug and she hid her face in his neck as Clare noticed her hands tightly gripped the boy she loved.

When Adam stepped in front of Eli, Clare now did feel tears falling from her eyes.

"Be safe, Eli. Promise me something – if you're ever in any trouble, just run, got it? Don't try to be a hero – just run. Promise me, or I'm jumping on that bus with you, Goddamn it, I am," Adam said emotionally.

"You got it," Clare heard Eli reply at once, and she felt her entire body heave as she watched Eli and Adam hug – a proper hug that was unlike the high fives and 'bro-hugs' as Drew called them. This was a hug that was filled with desperation on one side and…fear on the other, and Clare knew it.

She then watched as Eli stepped away and she saw him grab Mia one more time, walking around with her in his arms in a large circle, and Clare could hear him…singing, was it?

_I'm a creep / I'm a weirdo/ What the hell am i doing here / I don't belong here, _and Clare managed a smile through her tears as she realized that Eli's little cousin was so amused by his favourite Radiohead song.

_I'm going to miss you, baby girl. You stay with mommy and daddy and play, and grow, and be happy. By the time you're walking and talking I'll be back, and I'll find some more cool tunes, and you'll be even prettier when I come back. Your pretty curls will be even longer, and your green eyes even bigger, and your mommy will tell me so many stories about all the trouble you give her, okay? I love you, I love you, I love you, _Clare heard him softly say as he rocked the little girl and her giggles fell from her tiny lips as her little fingers gripped the sleeves of Eli's military jacket.

It was only then that Eli turned and saw Clare's teary face.

She slowly approached him and Clare saw a heartbroken look take over his entire face as he said,

"Please don't cry, Clare," knowing that Clare was rather sensitive and assuming that she must have been crying at the entire scene of goodbyes from so many students, not thinking Clare was all that particularly upset about him specifically.

"Why didn't you tell me?" she cried out desperately, shocking Eli.

"We never talk, you're busy," he replied and Clare flinched at the words that Eli didn't say.

"Are Imogen and Daniel engaged?" Clare asked Eli, because it was what came to mind.

"Just got married yesterday, actually, I was a witness," Eli replied, and Clare was shocked.

"What? But we're so young," she said. "Why did they get…married?"

"Because he loves her and she loves him," Eli answered plainly as he fixed his gaze on her. "Why shouldn't they make a commitment to each other for the rest of their lives if they know that what they want? And…there are certain practicalities too, considering the fact that we just deployed. Daniel wanted Imogen to get the economic protection military wives get through insurance. Also, this way she gets to know there he is – there's security clearance levels, and he can call her and such if they're married," Eli explained.

"Where _are_ you going?" Clare asked with a painful whine.

"I can't…I can't really tell you – I wouldn't be allowed," Eli hesitated, and Clare understood why, in light of the things Eli had told her about Daniel and Imogen. She didn't like the feeling that overcame her.

"But I mean…if you've watched the news lately, you can probably guess the region," Eli shrugged as Clare heard Mia unleash the start of a cry to protest the fact that Eli was no longer bouncing her in his arms.

Clare noticed that he began doing so again, and she leaned in closer to see Mia, and she saw right away that the little girl was so pretty with her green eyes and golden curly locks.

"She's so pretty," she proclaimed.

"I know, right?" Eli beamed as if Mia was his own baby. "She's gonna be a heartbreaker, and I'm gonna have my work cut out for me when she's a teen, keeping all the punks away," Eli said with a smirk that made Clare's heart leap and made her laugh aloud through her tear—stained cheeks, making Eli so much happier.

"Eli…I don't want you to go. Come on, let's just leave. Just you and me, come on," Clare desperately said, the magnitude of the place that Eli was going to just hitting her.

She then decided to use all of her weapons and use the one line that she knew had the power to get to Eli.

"Come on, Eli. Just me and you against the world," and she saw Eli lock his gaze with hers, just as she expected he would.

"Where's…Lorenzo, Clare?" Eli asked in a perfectly disappointed tone.

When she stumbled, Eli just smirked and softly said, "Please don't say and do things you don't mean. It's not fair," Eli deadpanned, his heart still aching with the events of the catastrophic Toronto conference.

"I made a commitment, Clare. The work suits me and a group of soldiers depends on me – I'm going. I want to," Eli replied.

"You did this so you can pay for your school…for the year at UBC too," Clare shamefully whispered.

"Not just because of that. No amount of money could make me do something that I don't agree with, but I agree with the value of Canada's peacekeeping missions wholeheartedly. It's…protecting the innocent and the weak and standing up for human rights. And yes, it was a perfect fit as they will take care of my school. You see, Clare, I'm just…I'm doing the best with what I've got," Eli sighed as Mia decided to look at Clare and upon noticing that this girl also had pretty curls, she reached out and yanked them a little too suddenly.

"Jeez, sorry, Clare. My aunt says she's really into this grabbing phase," Eli apologized.

"Don't worry about it," Clare said, remaining close to Eli, as Mia had pulled her in that direction.

She could feel his breath on her face, and she whispered, "I'm going to kiss your cheek good-bye, because I want to. Tell me if you don't want me to," and when Eli just stared at her as if she was the only girl in the world, she reached up and placed the gentlest of kisses on his cheek, reaching out and holding onto the same arm on top of which Mia was supported just so she could gain her balance. To any witness to the scene, it looked as if a heartbroken young military wife was saying a tearful goodbye to her husband and their young baby was laying the middle of their embrace.

"You take care of yourself, Eli. Come back safe," Clare whispered as she slowly pulled away, her face just as red as Eli's, and her exhale also just as deep.

They kept each other's gaze as Mia was returned to her mommy, and Clare stood next to Imogen as she waved to Eli, who was sitting with Daniel on the bus, trying to hold her tears back because she knew they hurt Eli.

She watched as the bus faded behind her, ultimately becoming invisible in the busy Toronto traffic. The boys in their army green and navy blue forgotten among the many other cars heading their own way that day.

Inside the bus, Daniel and Eli were quiet, as was everyone else. Dr. Stevenson, the commanding Colonel for the journey, walked down the aisle and gave everyone the envelope reminding them of the rules of engagement, the details of the journey including its many stops in different parts of the world, and the name of their units and Lieutenants – the boys and girls were coming from all different fields of study, and as the army was waiting for their academic semester to end, they were all going to join their respective regiments when they touched base in Kandahar.

Eli and Daniel scanned through their envelopes and they knew that they weren't likely to perform combatant duties – they would most likely stay on base for the length of their entire mission, Eli doing his writing and Daniel working with the army lawyers as an assistant and doing legal writing of his own.

The boys flipped to the last page and they smiled when they saw that they had both been assigned to Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth's Sixteenth Royal Regiment, and they even had the same Lieutenant.

"You know the dude? Is he impossibly strict?" Eli asked Daniel, knowing that Daniel had already served a term with the army last summer, although it was also his first time being deployed abroad.

"Who – Lieutenant Cameron? Not at all, really child dude, from Toronto himself, and he ran the military vehicle training when I was at base training in Quebec last summer," Daniel answered Eli with a wave of his hand.

"Oh," Daniel added, "But he doesn't like to be called Lieutenant Cameron. Goes by Lieutenant Sean instead," Daniel specified as Eli nodded and both boys fell quiet again, looking out the window at their hometown and wondering what it would be like…_over there. _

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

Clare stared at the edition of _Canadian Studies _in shock.

There was no denying it.

That, right there, was _her_ writing, _her_ examples, _her _research, _her _work. The hours that she had poured over all of that information had amounted to the five thousand words of the article…four thousand words of which had been hers; Lorenzo had only _really _written the introduction and the conclusion, but she hadn't minded, because she liked seeing so much of her own writing in print.

But as she stared at the title, she didn't find anything she liked about this.

_"'Don't let me down': Accountability, the Mad Genius and a New World in Margaret Atwood's Oryx and Crake – by Lorenzo Boromolli". _

No 'by Clare Edwards' anywhere.


	10. God Save the Queen

XXXXXXXXXXXX

"Thanks. I feel pretty," Clare said with a small smile as Alli pulled out the curling iron from Clare's reddish tinted curls.

"Well – for what you are about to do, one always has to look like a million bucks," Alli replied as she sat on Clare's bed. She had come over to Clare's house despite only seeing her a few days ago after they had moved out of residence at the end of their second year.

"I just…want to talk to him," Clare shyly said.

"That _better _be code for break-up," Alli said as she frowned.

"I need to give him a chance to explain. If there's anything I learned from the past – it's that people need a chance to explain," Clare said as she shot Alli a dirty look.

"I think I've paid my dues for that Jake kiss by now," Alli replied angrily, taking Clare aback.

"Yeah, sure," Clare said sarcastically.

"What is that supposed to mean?" Alli shot in reply.

"Nothing. Just that you should understand if I don't exactly jump at your advice from now on," Clare replied, leaving Alli open-mouthed in shock.

"Lorenzo used you to write his stupid article! Open your eyes, Clare," Alli screamed.

"Please don't yell," Clare replied as she ruffled her curls and slid a purple bracelet on.

"Dear God, I can't believe you're gonna stay with him," Alli gasped.

"I haven't said that. I just want to know why he did what he did – if he can possibly enlighten me," Clare muttered angrily.

"You're making a mistake," Alli replied.

"Like I did with Jake? And John? And Eli?" Clare asked in anger.

"Not my fault you almost slept with Jake, and that you did…what you did with John. As for Eli – that one was just pure crazy," Alli replied.

"Get out of my house," Clare whispered slowly.

"Gladly!" Alli replied. "Just don't come to me when Lorenzo uses you – next time for sex – and there's no one to catch you," Alli replied, slamming the door in fury on her way out.

Clare then heard her door open and she groaned when she saw Jake enter.

"Get out, Jake," she said, making his shy smile fall at once.

"You don't want to talk about what just happened?" he asked sweetly.

"Not to you!" Clare replied.

"Then…to who, Clare? I don't know if you're noticed but…there's not that many people left around you," Jake slowly pointed out.

"I'd rather not have people around me at all if they're gonna treat me like crap," Clare replied.

"I think Alli was just trying to look out for you. What's this about this article? You said it was gonna come out today, our parents want to take us out to dinner to celebrate," Jake continued.

"Just get out! I'm not going to any dinner! Stay out of my room, Jake – and get off my bed, it's bad memories," Clare shot bitterly.

"You do _not _get to make me feel guilty about that anymore," Jake said calmly. "_You _initiated it – what am I supposed to do when a beautiful girl takes off her top while on my lap? No guy would turn that offer down, and how was I supposed to know you didn't wanna go through with it? You're the one who climbed on top of me – pretty clear message there! If your mom hadn't come home at that time and we hadn't heard the door, it would have gone down – because you wanted it and you started it. And no guy would turn that down if it was right in front of him," Jake tried to point out.

"That's not true – some would," Clare whispered, her mind thinking back to a particular incident.

"Yeah right! Maybe if they're gay," Jake scoffed.

"Eli did! I…wanted to spend the night with him, and he said no," Clare blurted out.

"What?" Jake asked incredulously. "_Yeah right_, he did. I don't buy that for one second," he added.

"It was complicated," Clare said as she looked down at the floor.

"Yeah, well, Eli's a pretty complicated guy all around," Jake sighed. "Hmm. I hope he's okay," he added with a frown, remembering Eli had just left last afternoon.

"Ugh, just get out!" Clare then yelled, angry at Jake for making her think of what she wanted to think of the least.

Clare didn't want to think about Eli's destinations or the things he was doing, and she had vowed not to ever do it.

"You know, Alli cares for you, Clare. A lot. Maybe listening to her wouldn't be the end of the world," Jake said before he walked out of Clare's room.

Clare spent the next few minutes steaming in anger, and she finally decided to go for a walk to clear her mind – she had just enough to grab a coffee from the Dot before she would have to meet Lorenzo.

She walked through the warm Toronto streets, hugging her black blazer to herself and trying to shake Alli's words from her mind. So she had almost slept with Jake, so what? It definitely wasn't Alli's place to judge – and as for what she had done with John, well…it was fine within the limits of her vow, but it still hadn't been enough to keep him around, she thought bitterly. And it hadn't even felt like everyone said it does – she didn't like it all, she remembered.

As she was walking along lost in her thoughts, she only saw the small, pretty face ahead of her when the woman who was hanging onto the baby almost collided with Clare.

Clare didn't know the woman's first name, but she noticed that the baby giggled and reached out for her curls, so she softly said, "Hi there! Hi Mia! Look at your pretty curls, too," hoping to start a small conversation.

Clare frowned however, when Mia's mom abruptly moved her to her other arm and shot Clare a look of daggers.

Clare then flashed her a small smile, realizing that of course a mom wouldn't like a stranger creeping up to her baby, so she decided to explain,

"I'm Clare Ed–" but she stopped when she was interrupted by Eli's aunt.

"I know who you are," and the harsh tone in her voice made Clare's heart drop.

"Can I help you with anything?" Eli's aunt asked icily, because although Eli never talked about Clare to his aunt, Linda had been able to piece together the facts that run-ins with Clare whenever Eli had come home on a break always magically coincided to him sleeping longer, staying inside with his headphones on, and taking off for Vancouver weeks before he was supposed to.

"No…I just…I just wanted to say to Mia," Clare replied.

"Mia is a baby. She doesn't speak yet," Eli's aunt replied.

"Sorry," Clare said shamefully, feeling very awkward. "Have you…have you heard from…Eli?" Clare then asked, figuring it was the polite thing to do.

"Yes," Linda replied, and Clare wished she would volunteer more information. Had he gotten to the Middle East – if that's where he was even going – already?

"Is he okay?" Clare asked as she bit her lip.

She never expected Linda to laugh.

"Like it _matters_ to you," Eli's aunt said as she adjusted her little girl's cap, walking away quickly after.

Clare noticed that little Mia was wearing tiny jeans and a little red shirt with the white words 'Support Our Troops' printed on it. Eli's aunt had also bought her a green, military-style cap with a maple leaf embroidered on it, and Clare wanted to…hold the baby and make her giggle like Eli had.

She thought Eli's aunt was an incredibly insufferable woman who clearly didn't understand anything about the way Eli felt towards Clare. After all, Cece had always been so sweet to Clare in the few awkward run-ins that they had had around town after her and Eli had broken up. But then again, fear crept into Clare's mind when she realized that she hadn't really…used Eli like she had lately while Cece was alive. She talked to him so little that it took her two years to find out that Cece and Bullfrog had passed.

Fifteen minutes later, she was at Lorenzo's apartment on campus, and she soon took a deep breath and knocked on the door.

Just a second later, the door flew open and Lorenzo shot Clare a perfectly heartbroken look that surprised her at once.

"Baby," he said, stretching out his arms towards Clare and wrapping her in a hug at once.

It felt nice, Clare thought with a soft smile.

"I'm so sorry. I'm so mad at the editors of that stupid journal," he said and Clare pulled out of the hug and gave him a coy smile.

"You did…put my name on it, right?" she asked.

"Of course I did bella! And I didn't even know that this would happen until you did – when I saw it appear in print. And I called right away, baby, I swear I did," Lorenzo continued, putting his hand over his heart, "and can you believe the nerve on those idiots? You know what they said to me? You know what they said?" Lorenzo asked.

"What?" Clare asked shyly as she felt his hands move to her lower back.

"They're so stupid, baby – they said because you hadn't even taken your undergraduate degree, they couldn't put your name on it, as it had no letters like M.A. or anything. I didn't know, I swear, baby – and I'm gonna fight to get it reprinted, I swear," Lorenzo said.

"Oh," Clare sighed as she rested her chest on his head in their embrace.

"You're not happy, bella," Lorenzo said with a chuckle, picking up on the fact that Clare was still upset. "Why?" he asked.

"I just feel like…I'm a big secret. We can't walk around holding hands – I can't kiss you whenever I want, I have to check that no one is around. We have to lock your office door if we ever want to –" Clare hesitated, a blush spreading across her cheeks.

"Have fun?" Lorenzo supplied with a mischievous smile and Clare just buried her face in his neck.

"I don't want to be your dirty little secret," she finally confessed.

"You're not, bella, but…this is just the best I can do. People would start saying things about you if they found out, and you're sensitive," Lorenzo replied.

"I am not!" Clare protested, furious that he still seemed to see her like a little girl.

"Oh, but you are," Lorenzo said, patting her hair, "But I do have a surprise for you – I want you to come to England with me, for the conference in November. Every faculty member will get to nominate a student, and I'm gonna nominate you," Lorenzo said with a bright smile.

"What? Really? I've always wanted to go to England," Clare said excitedly.

"Four nights in London, November 10 – 15th," Lorenzo said. "It's gonna be so much more fun than just staying at a hotel downtown like that last stupid conference," he added, and he felt Clare slink a little in their embrace.

"You mean the one where you danced with that Vancouver skank?" Clare asked angrily.

"What? Who? I don't even remember. But I do think your jealousy is as cute as a button," Lorenzo replied, kissing Clare's nose.

"I'm not jealous," she muttered bitterly.

"So? Am I forgiven for something that wasn't even my fault? The article will get reprinted by the time we are in England for the conference, I think," Lorenzo asked.

"Well, it wasn't your fault. There was nothing you could do about it," Clare said with a shake of her curls, trying to reason things out with the information that she had been given.

"Exactly," Lorenzo said, finally leaning in for a kiss.

"Wait," Clare said, pulling a little away.

"Yes, bella?" Lorenzo answered, fighting back a groan.

"Promise me something," Clare pleased. "Tell me – promise me – you'll never break my heart. You'll never do anything to hurt me," Clare whispered.

"Never," Lorenzo breathed, and a large smile appeared on Clare's face in response, and she pushed him back onto his bed and slid her blazer off.

"You gonna be nice to me tonight?" Lorenzo asked as Clare heard his breathing hitch.

"What do you mean exactly?" Clare breathed between kisses.

"Spend the night with me," Lorenzo whispered.

"Can't. gotta be somewhere tonight," Clare lied, because Alli's words were still ringing in her mind and she didn't want to lose her virginity to Lorenzo tonight, not like this.

"You're killing me," she heard him groan in response, which elicited many playful giggles to fall from her lips as she felt Lorenzo's hand tangle in her curls.

"You'll live," she teased back as she felt his other hand slip under her shirt.

"You got so mad at me, baby," Lorenzo said, "play nice now," and Clare felt his hand guide her head downwards.

Did he want her to…?

Clare realize she didn't really want to, so she stalled by sliding his shirt off and she eventually stood up and tried to regain her breathing. They had gone faster than before, and she wondered if her boyfriend's interest was weaning. She didn't want to lose him. He was the one guy who showed her that things don't have to be so serious all of the time, and she loved how free and fun he made her feel. He was smart and he always made her feel special, she reflected.

"Come back here," she heard him say as he pulled her back on top of him.

"No, no, I- I," Clare stumbled, and she slid off the bed completely.

"I have to go," she said, because a sudden feeling of fear had overcome her.

"Woah, woah, you okay? Yellow light?" Lorenzo teased. "I'm sorry, baby, you're just so sexy it's hard to stop sometimes. But I'd never push you," he told her.

"I know, I know," Clare said, embarrassed.

"Clare," Lorenzo said, lifting her chin so he could look at her, "Are you…a virgin?" he asked, thinking that that was why she was so hesitant with him sometimes.

"No," Clare lied with perfect confidence, because she didn't want Lorenzo to think of her as a little girl. "I've had sex before," she continued.

"With that Eli kid?" Lorenzo teased.

"Ugh – can we not talk about Eli? Please, anything else," Clare groaned, avoiding his question. She obviously had not…not with Eli and not with anyone, but…not with Eli, she thought as she looked down and became lost in her thoughts for a minute.

"Okay. You heading home now?" Lorenzo asked her, and Clare didn't like the way he glanced at his watch – it made her feel unwanted right away, and she wondered if she had been imposing on him.

"Yeah, yeah," she replied as she straightened her blouse. She glanced out his window and she saw that it was dark outside. She hoped he would offer to walk her, because the area of campus he lived in was close to one of Toronto's more…drug-addicted areas, if it had to be named.

"See you tomorrow then," Lorenzo said as he ran his hand through his hair.

Clare wondered if she should call Jake to pick her up.

But then she'd have to tell him that she hadn't broken up with Lorenzo – the very opposite, actually.

So she just headed out of the apartment building and gripped her phone tightly as she walked through the dark streets.

She exhaled deeply as she closed her house door behind her.

She didn't know why she had been so frightened out of her mind – it was a little ridiculous, but she just couldn't shake the feeling that something was very, very wrong.

XXXXXXXXXXX

Eli Goldsworthy winced in pain.

He counted to ten, just as his training had told him, and exhaled deeply.

"I'm sorry, tough guy," the pretty German nurse told him with a warm smile. She then added, "But this booster shot will help you when you get over to Kandahar – that's why you guys make this pit stop on the way," and Eli smiled at her excellent English vocabulary, but impossibly strong German accent.

"I had no idea I'd need six more shots," he replied with a smirk that meant to cover the pain in both of his arms.

"You're going to a nasty place, soldier," she said as she shot him an empathetic look. She gently brushed his hair out of his face and asked him,

"Let me cut these bangs a bit, or on the other end they'll give you the buzz cut," she offered as Eli noticed she had pink glittery nails, cut neatly.

"Okay," he approved, and he then watched her scissors through his field of vision.

"First rodeo?" she asked as she watched his nervousness.

"Yeah," Eli replied as he looked up at her, and she saw the vulnerability in his eyes.

"I see so many boys come through here – my mom too; she's a nurse up in neurology. My country has seen our share of war – so, so much war – especially when we lost our minds there under a very bitter and angry little man," she said sadly. "But you keep yourself out of danger and you return to Canada safely," she encouraged him as she noticed the red maple leaf embroidered on his right sleeve.

"Thank you," Eli softly replied as he chuckled at the grimace that was on Daniel's face over on the next bed – it was his turn now for the bonus tetanus shot, Eli knew.

"Do what you have to do, and then you can come back to your pretty girl at home," the pretty young nurse smiled at Eli.

"Yeah. My girl," Eli replied with a sad smirk, but the nurse caught the way he stared out the window and she knew.

She knew this was a soldier heading into battle with a heart that was already broken.

She didn't like that – it was dangerous, and she memorized his green eyes and dark hair – the Canadian Forces always sent their injured ones to Germany for recovery, in the very same hospital that they came to on their way to Kandahar to get their final shots. Here, in the historic and beautiful Landstuhl, hearts were mended if they were hurt in the battle, and once the boys were considered safe enough to travel, they were moved to the Canadian hospital that was closest to their place of residence.

But this boy's heart…the dark haired boy with green eyes who wore a uniform that was not one of a combatant, but that of a professional administrator of some sort, the nurse recognized…she knew there was nothing she could do for this heart.

So she just kept giving him the right shots, and watching the way his lips would form into a tiny smirk whenever he answered her polite questions. Just in case. Just in case he'd come back here; she'd make sure to take special care of him. She didn't think that had anyone to stay beside him if he was ever sick.

XXXXXXXXXXXX

"Clare Diana Edwards, you are being blind," Helen Edwards told her daughter as she flung the edition of _Canadian Studies _at her.

"I already told you what happened, it's not his fault, they just didn't want to print my name because I don't have a degree yet. But he's gonna fight for me," Clare said with a smile, "and he'll get my name on it too," Clare beamed.

"That's the most ridiculous explanation I've ever heard – and I know that's not what you want to hear, but it is. You've gone to university two years now, Clare – how does a serious, peer-reviewed journal giving credit to one author being fully aware that another person also worked on it make any sense? Academic integrity is a serious thing – law suits start this way. Don't be stupid," Helen said in exasperation.

"You're wrong, and you'll see when the article comes out again," Clare stubbornly replied.

"And what else if going to happen by then?" Helen asked in worry. "This boy is bad news, and I can't…I can't believe it's who you're choosing. You can do better," Helen added.

"Stop it, mom! Why do you hate my boyfriend so much?" Clare asked in anger.

"Because he doesn't take you out properly, he hides you, and he doesn't give you credit in your writing," Helen shot back, wondering just how many more bad things Lorenzo would have to do before Clare would finally wake up.

"It's not like that," Clare answered as she folded her arms over her chest.

"Clare…you're gonna get mad, never mind," Helen cheekily said.

"What? Tell me! What?" Clare fired.

"Just…you wrote 4 000 out of that 5 000 word article – it's all you've been doing for weeks, neglecting your own school work, and…last time you got published, how much of that story did you write? That was a collaboration too, after all?" Helen asked.

"God – why won' t anyone let that stupid, creepy story go?" Clare scoffed.

"That creepy stupid story was good enough for you to use when you applied to your program, if I'm not mistaken," Helen answered. "You wrote half of that story, didn't you?" she continued.

"I edited it. You happy now? I _edited_ it – it was _Eli's_ storyline, _his_ ideas, and _his_ messed up ending – that I can guarantee you. I added…a few paragraphs," Clare said, her voice quieting now.

"Oh," Helen added with an inhale.

"Well," Helen continued as she straightened her blouse, "that was nice of him, then. Giving you author's credit when it was his story," she said.

"What a nice boy," Helen potently said as she walked to Clare's bedroom door. "Wonder what he'd say about this whole article thing – I wonder if Eli would think a journal would plagiarize like that, erasing one author's name on purpose – it just sounds so strange," Helen said thoughtfully.

"Well, you can go ask him if you're so keen on him then, mom. Have fun traveling to Afghanistan!" Clare said bitterly.

"What?" Helen asked in shock.

"Eli got deployed for the summer," Clare whispered.

"How do you know?" Helen asked.

"I saw his bus leaving from campus. When Lorenzo was doing thesis defenses, Eli…Eli was defending his thesis," Clare answered.

"Isn't he a year too young for that?" Helen asked in confusion.

"Yeah, I don't know why he did it early," Clare said as she shook her head in confusion.

"Well, he's always been really smart and driven, who knows. When boys join the army and stay in school, their school schedule gets moved around, it's not really in their control anymore," Helen said.

"Yeah, well, whatever," Clare answered.

"Clare…I'll be praying for him, you know. And I hope you do the same. If not," Helen said and Clare saw the disappointment in her mom's eyes as she said, "then…I just hope you'll have better sense someday. Because from where I'm standing right now, I don't know how you can be so…heartless," Helen whispered, and left her daughter's room feeling ever so sad.

Clare stood frozen for ten entire minutes.

Her mother had never referred to her as 'heartless' before and Clare curled up in her bed and wondered…if that's what Eli thought of her right now.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"I gotta hand it to these guys," Daniel said as he chewed enthusiastically, "If there's one thing I love about Germany, it's the food. Freaking delicious," he added as he toasted his beer with Eli's. The boys had been allowed this special luxury as it was their last night in Germany now that their medical procedures had concluded – just one beer, Colonel Stevenson said strictly, but the beers in Germany were given in huge tumblers that Eli and Daniel appreciated very much

They ate their sausages and burgers feeling perfectly content, and they finished off with one of the huge sugary pretzels that a pretty blond-braided barmaid handed them with a smile, and she also brought them two donuts each, giving them a wink that both boys knew was in response to their Canadian uniforms. Both boys rewarded her with big smiles and kind words and they even clapped her hands as they stood up, the alcohol getting to them as they cheered and said, "Ladies and gentlemen – we love Germany and we love you, darling!"

They soon quieted down and Eli watched with a smirk as Daniel pulled out a postcard that they had picked up on their first morning in Munich, and he knew that by the sweet nothings that Daniel was writing down, a certain cinnamon-bunned girl two thousand miles away would hug it tightly to her chest and bless it with a kiss as she thought of the boy she loved.

Eli looked out the window at the large green field that stretched out before the government building in the German town and he pulled out two postcards that he had bought with Daniel in the same store. He wrote a brief message to his aunt that let her know he was fine, and then a couple of lines for Mia – once she was older she could be shown, he explained. He then wrote a funny message to Adam, and he frowned when he saw that by the time that he had finished both of his postcards, Daniel was still covering every possible bit of space on the postcard for Imogen.

"Dude, she _married_ you, you don't need to do any more convincing," Eli teased as Daniel looked up and shot him an amused glare.

"Shut up," Daniel playfully shot back. "Maybe you should go find that pretty bar maid and have a good time tonight," he added.

"No thank you. One-night stands are not my style," Eli replied as he took another gulp of his beer.

"I know," Daniel replied, "Not mine either. But one of these days I do expect you to tell me why you turn away every pretty girl that puts the moves on you," he continued.

"I have plenty of girls that are friends," Eli defended himself. "One of them being your lovely wife, and Fiona – "Eli began, but Daniel then interrupted him.

"I don't mean Imo or Fi. I mean a girl you want to date, get married to, make babies with, the entire deal," Daniel said with a laugh.

"I'm not exactly husband material," Eli replied bitterly.

"What? You're not one-night stand material, dude because that's not your game, but I think you could do this whole husband thing rather well," Daniel said, speaking like an expert despite the fact that he had been married five whole days, which Eli found rather amusing.

"Aww thanks love," Eli replied sarcastically, and Daniel rolled his eyes.

"Straight answer time, Eli. Do you still love that Clare chick or not?" Daniel shot. "And don't you lie to me, or the Germans will come get you," he teased.

"Clare's not some 'chick'," Eli replied, and that was all he said.

"_Eli_," Daniel said emphatically.

"Just drop it, okay? I know you don't know what happened, so I'll give you the short story: I loved Clare _more than anything in the world_. And _I thought_ she loved me too. But she didn't. Not ever. I was the fun freak who was different to date for a while – we connected over my writing, which she soon came to hate as well. But I was all wrong, and she dumped me, moved on within like a week to be happier than she ever was with me.

That's it – nothing more to it. End of story. So what the hell _does it matter_ how I feel? It's not like you and Imogen. She loves you and you love her. You get to take her out, make her happy, make her smile and laugh, ask her to marry you and have her reply yes, actually marry her, spend the best years of your lives together and eventually grow old together. Meanwhile, I…I've got…no one to send a letter to. So just drop it, okay? I'm happy for you and Imo – no one could be happier than me, trust me. But…we've got a job to do. And I won't able to do it if you keep peppering me about Clare. No thinking about Clare while we're abroad – I've got a job to do," Eli said passionately to a wide-eyed Daniel.

"I'm sorry, man," Daniel replied softly and Eli just shook his head in a 'don't worry' fashion.

Daniel wanted to say that that Clare girl wasn't the only one in the world.

But he felt that would upset Eli, so he just kept silent.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"Co-Cons-Constanta? I have no idea how to say it either," Eli said with a frown to Daniel as he studied the city map. Their legs were still a little sore from the flight and they were thrilled to be off for a few hours.

"But how many more freaking stops? In order to actually finish our tour, it would be helpful if we _actually got_ to Afghanistan," Daniel whined.

"Just this one, then the plane to jolly old England - to Liverpool –where the Titanic sailed from – guess the army has a good sense of humour. And from there it's ship time," Eli said with a smirk and a fist-pump that Daniel laughed at.

"Eager to try out your sea legs, there buddy?" Daniel asked.

"It's gonna be a nice change of scene," Eli shrugged. "Boat across the Mediterranean to Africa – I'd probably never get to do that without this forces gig," he justified.

"Okay, so…what do we do in…Romania?' Daniel asked as he raised an eyebrow. "We have like half a day," he added.

"I don't know. But it's a port city. Let's just walk around and grab a bite," Eli said as he took off his jacket and left it at the barracks that belonged to the Romanian troops. Earlier that day, the Canadian troops had arrived at the same time as a contingent of American troops, and the Romanian president had come to greet them and send them off – apparently he had been a military man himself, and when the States and Canada had looked for a country in Eastern Europe to ally with, he had immediately extended Romania's services.

And as Eli and Daniel walked along the edge of the Black Sea port city Constanta, Eli could tell why this country had a long military history.

"Why?" Daniel asked him curiously when Eli shared that thought.

"It's a big country, and check out all the water and rivers, and the farmland – it can provide huge supplies for a long time. Especially grain," Eli pointed out as the boys stopped by a bakery and ate way too many pieces of chocolate cake for their good.

They rather liked that many girls gave them coy looks and smiles as they walked through the city, and every so often they would shyly say, "Welcome," or they would hear a giggly, "We love Canada!". They were offered a city tour which they politely declined, Daniel cheekily holding his hand out and exclaiming, "I'm a married man," to which the girls simply giggled back and said they misunderstood.

It was all innocent and playful fun, and when they meant to pay, the waitress simply said, "On the house, Canada," but the boys left her a $20 tip and they didn't miss the smile on her face. With a blush she shyly admitted, "I've never seen Canadian money. It's beautiful," she softly exclaimed, and upon hearing that, the boys searched their pockets and they figured out that between the two of them, they had every type of Canadian coin and they left behind a very red-faced, and eager-to-tell-this-story nineteen year old girl.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Clare exhaled deeply as she rested in Alli's embrace and she sighed, "Thank you".

"You're my best friend. Of course I forgive you," Alli generously said.

"I know you were only looking out for me, but he's my boyfriend – I just wanted you to be a little more encouraging," Clare insisted.

"Well, yeah, sure," Alli conceded. "He's really hot, I get it," she sighed.

"He is, isn't he?" Clare said with a giggle.

"He loves me, Alli. And…he said he'd never hurt me. He made me a promise. I love him. He's the one," she said blissfully.

"The one for what?" Alli asked with a raised eyebrow, knowing they were heading down a dangerous road again, but she really wanted to know.

"I don't know…just the one. I see myself with him for ever. Love lasts for ever; it never ends," Clare sighed, ignoring the worried look on Alli's face.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"Love never ends – and as this passage illuminates, so is your people's love for you and for your sacrifices. Our nation's love, thoughts, and prayers are with you all. I personally stand before you as a grandmother and I assure you that you are forever in our hearts as you step forward to complete your mandate, " Eli heard in the serious, well-educated, and experienced voice as he made sure to stand nice and straight so he wouldn't get yelled at later.

Its British accent was impeccable, and he reflected that after all, if anyone in the world should be serious, well-educated, and experienced it would be the little old lady standing on the platform at the edge of the Atlantic Ocean. He had seen her in the paper and on TV many times, and Cece had been a huge fan of her daughter-in-law, but he never thought he'd see her in person.

"Thank you, your Majesty," Eli then heard the British Prime Minister say as he bowed respectfully to Queen Elizabeth.

The Canadian contingent was told earlier in the day by Colonel Stevenson – Eli still wasn't used to calling him this way, having referred to him in lecture previously as 'professor' or 'Dr. Stevenson' – that they would be attending the formal ceremony as they, as well as a group of American soldiers, were hitching a ride to Morocco on the _H.M.S. Busting_ of Her Majesty's Royal Fleet.

They had been told that the entire city of Liverpool would most likely come out, as almost all of its boys were going off, and as the Queen and Prime Minister had made the journey from London as well.

To Eli, Liverpool was the city that meant The Beatles, and earlier in the day, he and Daniel had found the official Beatles' store and The Cavern, the bar that they always played at. Things on the trip so far had been pretty light-hearted, but there was something about joining the Brits in their official ceremony that hit Eli hard.

They had a 21-gun salute; the Prime Minister spoke, and the Queen herself gave a speech. Maybe it was the sight of the royal cavalry in their red coats and huge black hats that made Eli realize that the vessel they were about to go belonged to the one country in the world with the largest military history, but to him…standing in line with Daniel and the rest of the Canadian contingent represented the first time that he realized he was going to war.

It was an unsettling feeling, but as he looked over at Daniel and took a deep breath, he calmed down a bit. He looked around at the hundreds of other uniformed men, be it whether they had a Canadian or American or British flag on their sleeves, and he realized that he wasn't alone.

He stood up a little straighter and raised his hand in a salute when the Queen passed his regiment, and the little smirk she had on her face as she kindly said, "Oh, Canadians! I love Canada," amused Eli to no end – and he panicked a little when he realized that the Queen of England looked right at his smirk – would this be a sign of disrespect? – but he smirked even more when he saw that she only laughed in his direction and smirked right back at him.

This would be a story he could tell to Mia when he'd be an old and boring man, he thought – maybe as he held out a photo album of the few shots he would be allowed to take.

The Queen continued her inspection of the guards, and as she reached the end of the cobblestone Liverpool street, she stood on another platform that awaited her.

The Canadian and American contingent had been breached in royal ceremonies etiquette this morning, and Colonel Stevenson had walked them through the ceremony, so Eli knew the British national anthem would be next. Col Stevenson had told the American troops that they historically were not to sign along unless it was their wish to do so, but that they should simply face the U.K. flag and salute it.

He then turned to his Canadian boys and told them that historically, Canadians always sang along to 'God Save the Queen' as Queen Elizabeth was also Canada's Queen, and Col Stevenson had painfully walked the boys through the song, grumpily telling them he didn't 'want you punks to embarrass me in front of the Queen'. He had lined them up and made sure that each of them was actually singing and not just pretending to – and the boys, subject to the anger of Col Stevenson already when they had been late coming back to the barracks in Romania, knew better than to disappoint him by now.

Eli and Daniel couldn't help laughing at the fact that their favourite prof was giving them singing lessons, but they caught on quickly, and Eli saw Daniel flash him a smirk when the three trumpets – flags hanging from them – announced the fact that the Queen was about to depart through their signature call.

Eli then watched as the little old lady stood up a little straighter and turned to face all of the men and women going abroad symbolically for her, and he heard the marching band start the melody, drums and bagpipes most distinct – the British anthem had a rather ambitious start.

He heard the American Colonel call to his troops, and in one swift movement, they turned first to the Queen and saluted her, and then shifted ever so slightly to face the trio of UK, American, and Canadian flags and they kept their right hand perfectly positioned in a salute as the British and Canadian troops also saluted, but began singing. Eli mouthed the words and felt really overwhelmed at the enormity of the moment – this would be their last moment on European ground, and from them on, the trip was getting more dangerous – when they'd deboard in Morocco, they would be carrying weapons for the first time. And once they'd land in Kandahar, they would be bringing even more of their combat kit with them.

He closed his eyes for a moment, and when he thought of Clare in a moment of fear, he opened them up again and focused only the tiny little old lady who he now realized lived through so many of these ceremonies – even those of the Second World War as a little eight year old girl hiding behind the legs of her father, King George.

The words were coming out clear, and strong, and true, from a collective of English nations.

_God save our gracious Queen, _

_ Long live our noble Queen, _

_ God save our Queen, _

_ Send her victorious_

_ Happy and glorious _

_ Long to reign over us_

_ God save our Queen_

_ O Lord our God arise_

_ Scatter her enemies_

_ And make them fall_

_ Confound their politics_

_ Frustrate their knavish tricks_

_ On thee our hopes we fix_

_ God save us all_

_ Thy choicest gifts in store_

_ On her be pleased to pour_

_ Long may she reign_

_ May she defend our laws_

_ And ever give us cause_

_ To sing with heart and voice_

_ God save our Queen_

XXXXXXXXXXXX

"To be perfectly honest, no, I don't think you should," Helen Edwards answered her daughter.

"I never asked for your permission," Clare told her mother.

"England is a long way to go with that boy," Helen replied.

"It's a conference!" Clare replied.

"Would you have your own room?" her mom asked.

"Of course," Clare answered, not really caring that she hadn't asked Lorenzo this at this point.

"If you're gonna do something that would be a life-altering mistake, Clare Diana Edwards, I'd rather you tell me so I can at least get you on the pill – and you have him use a condom too – " Helen started, and Clare felt immediately mortified.

"I'm not gonna sleep with him!" she yelled back.

"I wish I could believe you, Clare. It's a horrible thing to not be able to trust your own daughter, you know. But after you decided to lie to me about Jake for so long – right under my own roof - and after you came close to sleeping with him, and after dating this boy despite my clear desire for you not to…I just can't. And I'd rather not have you make a mistake that will really change your life forever. If you sleep with him just once, there's a great chance you'll get pregnant," Helen kept saying.

"Mom...stop talking about this," she pleaded.

"Yeah…I don't think I can. It's my duty as a mother. I wish nothing more than for you to know how beautiful it is for your first time to be when it should – on your wedding night with the man who you love, but…I don't know, Clare. I don't know what's gotten into you lately – it's this boy. He's made you lose your mind," Helen said and Clare was taken aback to see her mother with tears in her eyes.

"That's why I tried so hard – that's why I kept comparing him with Eli – to get you to wake up. But what I didn't see was that…you're so far gone, Clare. You couldn't care less about Eli, and I realize now that ship has sailed. It's too bad, he was such a nice boy. At seventeen years old, looked me in the eye and told me you were his best friend. Unbelievable…it really was," Helen softly sighed.

"But he's not the one you want. You want the good-looking boy who makes your head spin with all the right words, who does all the wrong things and dismisses them with his nicely phrased excuses. My only hope now – sure isn't Eli. Eli is off at war, doing the best with what he's got, going where all the respectful boys who want to make something of themselves go. You two have grown up into two really different people. I'm not sure it would work after all, you know," Helen said softly before leaving Clare's now.

Clare was left shell-shocked for the second time due to a conversation with her mom.

But she wanted to go with Lorenzo, and he had to book the plane tickets early, he had said.

So she called him, telling him of course she was coming. He had nominated her after all.

XXXXXXXXXXX

This was the biggest plane they had been on; it was carrying 200 soldiers and a few de-bombing vehicles as well. It made an awful noise as they boarded, and the shouts of Lieutenants observing flight conditions and observing the proper boarding of the expensive equipment drowned out Eli and Daniel's playful jokes – because in a time like this, they had to joke about something.

Minutes later, they were flying over Africa, crossing the Red Sea soon, and when they touched down, Eli and Daniel immediately put on their army-issue sunglasses and exclaimed at the heat. It felt like Dante's final circle of hell, and man…it sure looked different than Toronto.

"Welcome to your home away from home, boys," Colonel Stevenson said as he came up behind Eli and Daniel and slapped their shoulders.

"All right, everyone help unload, and then off to your assigned quarters – find your Lieutenants at lunch, from now on you're under their supervision. It's been fun babysitting y'all, but don't bother me again," Col. Stevenson playfully said.

However, before he walked away completely he approached Eli and Daniel and said, "That doesn't apply to you two – you come find me if you need anything – you'll always be my students. Army's really lucky to have you two – the work you'll produce is really valuable. Don't let your Lts. give you any trouble – you both have combat training as well, so they don't get to pick on you for not being true soldiers. Any trouble with them you come to me, got it?" Col. Stevenson asked kindly, and Eli and Daniel thanked him just as kindly back.

"Good luck, boys. Wishing we were back on campus yet?" he asked with a smile.

"Not if it studying for one of those impossible exams of yours, Sir," Eli replied with a smirk that Col. Stevenson mirrored at once before they went away.

Eli then looked around the Canadian Forces base – it was made up of simple, but large buildings, each explained on the map he had been given along with his rules of engagement. He had been assigned to building 2A when it came to sleeping quarters, and he knew his office was across the hall from Daniel's in the General Services and Administration Building – they were in 106 and 107 respectively. Eli knew they wouldn't be working together a lot – Daniel was coming as an assistant to the lawyers stationed on the base, while Eli's job was one that was relatively new in the army.

But Eli fell into it easily; he felt that when he wasn't pouring sand out of his boots he was always writing and he loved it. It started with simple report collating – putting together what the soldiers had gathered at border patrols and passing it on to the Lts. This was all done in his first two hours there, after he had been given some time to settle into his living quarters.

Eli was grateful that the Army somehow judged that he needed his own room and the peace of mind that came along with it – both him and Daniel were given rooms in the private sleeping quarters, along with some of the Lieutenants. Eli looked around his room, and was pleased. It was small; all it had was a bed, a desk, and a chair as well as a built-in closet, but it was privacy. It even had an adjoining bathroom. He plopped down on his bed and pulled out the three pictures that he had brought with him – it was bad luck for a soldier to not carry the pictures of those he loved, Eli knew. They all kept them on the inside pocket of their coats, and it had just Eli where he was and the dangers that existed around him – sure, he would probably never have to leave the base, and it was always constantly patrolled as well as protected by large walls and barbed wire, but…he wasn't going to entertain any ideas about how the enemy wasn't around. The Taliban insurgents were everywhere, and Eli knew it. They'd kill to launch an attack on the Canadian and American and UK bases – all so close to each other too.

He hugged himself as he sank into the somewhat hard mattress and he ran his hand through his hair. Four months.

Four long months.

At least he had the pictures to remind him, he thought, and he attached the headphones that he had brought to the watch that was resting on his wrist. Fiona had been right, he thought fondly; a lot of the boys had this design and they used it as an mp3 player during some of the most boring parts of their duties.

The sound of Dead Hand flooded his ears at once, and right away a soft smirk came to his face. He clutched the pictures tightly and glanced at the first one.

It must have been taken thirty years now, and he had never seen them like this, but to him it was the most beautiful photo of them that existed – that's why he had selected this particular one.

Cece's blonde hair was long – it was the style back then anyway, and her white dress was poofy and long. In her hair she wore a crown made of beautiful white lilies, and despite the fact that Eli didn't know these clothes or the crown, he definitely knew the ring that rested on her finger, having been placed there just a few hours before the photograph had been taken. Eli loved the look on his dad's face: pure pride, his smile beaming. As he always used to tell Eli, he was grinning like a fool because the day had finally come when Cece had agreed to marry him, and it was the day she became his wife. His dad was wearing a black suit and a white shirt underneath, the flowers hanging out of front pocket matching those that made up Cece's crown and bouquet.

It was their wedding day, and with a grimace Eli tried to shake out his dad's voice telling him that it was also most likely the night that he had been conceived, thinking that he definitely didn't need to know such things.

_Ugh,_ Eli said with a shudder as he closed his eyes for a second, and then pulled out the second photo.

She looked really pretty in this one – it was her best one; Linda always said it was so hard to take a proper photo of a baby, but in this one Mia was giggling and looking right at the camera. It was taken right before Eli left, and she was wearing her adorable Support-the-Troops outfit and Eli could recognize the other half of his dog tags around her neck. The boys were supposed to give the second dog tag to the girl who loved him, and Eli thought it would have been weird to give it to Fiona, and Imogen wore Daniel's of course, as she should, Eli thought, so he had given it to the girl that he hoped loved him. Linda assured him that Mia did, as she never giggled at other people's bouncing her in their arms as much as she did at Eli's.

Eli hoped that she was okay, three thousand miles away, but he knew she was. She had a mommy and daddy who loved her with all their hearts, and who never let her out of their sight. Eli knew her mommy and daddy would hold her, and sing to her, and put her to sleep, and always keep her safe.

So he breathed easily as he closed his eyes again, leaning over to his side and almost falling off the bed. He regained his balance and finally switched to the third photo.

Eli knew he never should have brought it, and he felt like a complete fraud.

Daniel had Imogen's photo because she loved him.

Tex, the friend they had made who they playfully called by the first few letters of his home state as his accent was so incredibly characteristic, had the photo of a pretty red-haired girl who said that as soon as he got back, they would get married.

Dean, a boy from British Columbia, carried the photo of a young girl with perfect black bangs and almond-shaped eyes who had held him tightly and loved him all night long before he left, telling him to come back soon so they could start a family.

George, a boy from Liverpool, carried the photo of his high school sweetheart who was still his girlfriend. She had many freckles on her face and bright red hair and she was smiling brightly and wearing a dress like a British flag.

And Eli, a boy from Toronto, carried the photo of a girl who was another boy's girlfriend.

But he couldn't help it. If he didn't get to talk to her, hold her, tell her he loves her, and kiss her softly every minute of every day like he wanted to, well…he could at least take her picture.

He just couldn't let anyone see, because that did feel weird. They would assume, and Eli could imagine Clare's pissed off look at being associated with him.

It was a picture they had taken in their better days, lying on the hood of Morty at the abandoned church. Clare had been the one to take it, and Eli wasn't even looking at the camera – he was looking in her eyes and softly smirking at her. She was smiling brightly at the camera, and Eli could swear that if he looked at the picture long enough, he could detect all of the little blue crystals that made up her orbs. She was wearing a pretty black dress with many little flowers on it under her jean jacket, and her curls were spread out all over the arm that he had draped under her neck.

He loved her, and Eli knew he shouldn't.

He tried not to.

But every night before he'd go to bed, he'd always think of her, he remembered as painful tears stung his eyes.

"Ready to go man?" he heard all of a sudden as Daniel appeared in the doorway.

"Yeah, starving," Eli answered.

"Your room is just the same as mine, except my desk is on the other side," Daniel said as the boys made their way to the dining hall.

"So, we're supposed to find out Lieutenant over lunch, right?" Eli asked as Daniel and him walked their trays through the line-up, being served a heart portion of chicken, macaroni and cheese and coleslaw salad. Little army-issued milk cartons and coffees were also handed to them, and they were allowed to choose from a variety of desserts.

Eli and Daniel figured out that they got a lot hungrier out here, something they had been warned about, so they just shrugged when they saw the portions that they were handed, and they soon sat down to eat with Tex and George, who informed them that they had already found their Lts.

As soon as they downed their coffees and pieces of brownies, they began walking over to the section of the dining hall that was reserved for Lts., and Daniel discreetly pointed to a tall and muscular boy with sandy blonde hair and a good-looking, but tough face.

"Dude, that's Lt. Sean – but you're not supposed to know he likes to be called that, so maybe you should call him Lt. Cameron at first," Daniel recommended.

"I don't want him to blow as gasket at me for interrupting him when he's eating – whose genius idea was to find them over lunch anyway?" Eli asked with a frown.

"Whatever, let's just go," Daniel said. "I don't think he'll remember me from last summer," Daniel added.

The boys walked up to the edge of the table where the blonde boy with two lines on the shoulder patch of his jacket was eating, and as soon as their eyes locked, Eli and Daniel raised their hands in a neat salute, and Eli said,

"Lt. Cameron Sir, Special Representatives Goldsworthy and Patterson reporting for duty".

"As you were," they saw their Lt. reply, and they relaxed at once.

"First thing you should know about me is that I hate to be called Lt. Cameron, I go by Lt. Sean. Second, I hate to be saluted – and don't you ever do that off site; there's insurgents all over these mountains and caves that would love to pound a Lieutenant. Now, if I'm not mistaken, you two are my lawyer and my writer," he added in perfect seriousness.

"Yes, Sir," Eli replied.

"Well, what are you mute?" Sean asked Daniel, and Eli feared that they were stuck with a jerk for a Lt after all, but then Sean broke out in laughter and said, "Hey, guys," and he shook both of their hands.

"Welcome to your home away from home," he said, echoing Col. Stevenson, and he said to Daniel, "I remember you from Quebec last summer man – no offense, but you suck at fixing cars," Lt. Sean exclaimed.

"Good thing I'm better at law than that," Daniel replied with a laugh.

"Awesome," Sean replied.

"He really does blow at fixing cars," Eli said with a smirk. "I'm the writer, but I can fix a car pretty well," he added.

"What's your name?" Lt. Sean asked.

"Eli Goldsworthy".

"Nice to meet you, Eli. Can't say how relieved I am you guys have combat training as well – I don't have to babysit your asses if you ever have to leave base," Lt. Sean added.

"Things are a little different when it comes to you two – Daniel, I don't think I'll see you around at all, you get to deal with the lawyers as your bosses, and I don't envy you at all – watch out for them, don't mess with any of them. Eli, when it comes to you – I think you'll spend most of your time in the office – " Lt. Sean said.

"Sir, I did combat training so if you do need me ever – "Eli began.

"You know how to shoot a gun?" Lt. Sean asked sceptically.

"Since I was like, seven," Eli replied.

"No way. Aren't you guys from Toronto? I sure never did any hunting while I was there," Lt. Sean replied.

"My dad liked hunting down in Mississauga," Eli informed Lt. Sean.

"Cool. Well, I don't think you'd ever go off base, but I'm glad you can watch yourself ass at least," Lt. Sean said.

"Here's the deal," Sean added. "I'm not like those Colonels that believe guys who stay on base are no good. What you two can do is really valuable. Daniel, I don't understand any of that legal stuff you'll be doing – all I know are the crimes of war passed by the Geneva Conventions and the UN declarations, because I don't want my men to do anything stupid and commit any of them. And Eli, you are in a position to really help my men – and I get that. So if you guys need anything, just tell me. Don't do anything stupid if I ever take you out onto the field, don't try to be heroes and get your asses killed because I have never lost a man and I'll be dammed it I let it happen. Got it?" Lt. Sean asked.

"Yes, Sir," Eli and Daniel echoed.

"Good. Now get out and let me finish eating," Lt. Sean said strictly, but smiling at them as he sat back down.


	11. Traveling Soldier

**Hi, **

**Two chapters today. **

**I'm a little numb from writing them to say anything else here. OH check out the things on my tumblr page, they help understand some of the things in these chapters. **

**Twitter: westcoasttrees1 Tumblr: westcoasttrees**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi. **

XXXXXXX

"Sorry boys. That's just the way the cookie crumbles sometimes," Dr. Stevenson said to Eli and Daniel with an apologetic smile. The Col. Prof didn't like it when he had to tell the boys he cared for that the army had decided to extend their tour, but it wasn't really his choice.

"It's all right, Sir. Not up to you. Will you be staying until December as well?" Eli asked with a sad smirk.

"Of course. I'll be taking you guys back just like I brought you here, but with a few less stops – we'd only be stopping in Germany. I won't leave until my boys do, unless there's some emergency and I'm called to Ottawa – only the Chief of Staff has the authority to pull me," Dr. Stevenson answered.

"It's just that – you guys know this from class," the professor continued, "the Canadian forces are not very numerous, and you two are both in specialized positions," Dr. Stevenson explained.

"It's fine, Sir. We all have a job to do," Daniel contributed with a smile, although his heart was aching at the thought of not being with Imogen until Christmas. He wondered how she would take the news.

"Well, here's the satellite phone," Dr. Stevenson said, handing Daniel a large, metallic receiver. "Call your families, okay? Let them know," he instructed, and the boys smiled gratefully, as calling wasn't a privilege they usually got. It was all letter writing and the rare e-mail here and there.

Dr. Stevenson then added, "There's about two hours' worth of time left on that phone, and I won't be…I'll replacing it with a new one. No reason to keep it short boys – use all you got, an hour each. Make as many calls as you like, no one has to know," he kindly permitted them, and he knew that the news made them happy. He felt bad that it was all he could do, and sadness also overcame him at the thought of his two teenage daughters and their mom, all alone while he was over here.

XXXXXXXX

"Where are you going?" Helen Edwards asked her daughter as she saw Clare slip on her pretty new black flats.

"I'm going to hang out with Adam for a bit," Clare replied with a smile, and she knew her mom smiled back because Adam was not Lorenzo.

Clare didn't like that Adam had simply put his foot down and told Clare that he didn't want to be around Lorenzo at all because he made him uncomfortable with all of his talk of transgender theory, but she loved Adam dearly, so she had just vowed to make alternate arrangements.

However, she soon realized that these alternate arrangements really meant going over to Eli's apartment – Adam was taking summer courses this semester, and therefore had to stay close to campus, and he had told Clare that Eli had insisted that he crash in his apartment while he was on tour, sparing him the cost of on-campus housing just like he had when he had studied at UBC for the year.

"It's…actually Eli's apartment," she slowly told her mom, because the words her mother had been saying to her had stubbornly stuck to her mind like crazy glue, and Clare regretted some of the harsher things she had said to Eli, and when she thought of the way she had used him at the conference, she wanted to crawl into a hole and die. She knew that she had caused a breakdown of the sort that Eli apparently hadn't had in years, according to that blonde Vancouver girl who Clare didn't want to recognize by name, and she had never meant to do that. She hadn't even really properly apologized, and Clare now knew that if Eli were in Toronto and also at Adam's apartment when she would drop by, she would try to mend fences.

She didn't like that Eli had to be in the Middle East instead, and her heart plunged whenever she thought of that…somehow it all seemed fake to her – sure, she had seen him in his uniform and that had hit her hard, but…she just couldn't imagine him so far away.

"What? I don't understand," Helen replied as she shook her head, and Clare explained to her the boys' arrangement.

"Oh, well, that makes sense," Helen absent-mindedly replied. "Have fun with your friend," she said cheerfully as Clare stepped out the door.

But if it hadn't hit her before, the minute she walked into Eli's apartment, she felt her skin get goose bumps – she had only been in here one previous time, when she had run over here upon hearing that his parents had died three years ago, and Eli had helped her dry her hair after she had been in the rain for so long.

But now, Eli felt like a ghost in the apartment, and it was one of the most eerie things that Clare had experienced in her life. She saw many books on the coffee table, and she knew that it was ones that Eli must have been reading up until the minute that he left, because they weren't really Adam's taste.

When Adam opened the fridge to offer her a drink, she saw six packs of Coke and she realized that…those must have been Eli's. All of the band posters, the skull pillowcases that she caught a glimpse of when Adam went into the bedroom to grab a hoodie…it was all Eli's stuff, and Clare felt like bursting into tears when she finally saw his leather jacket hanging in the closet when she put her own coat away.

She touched it lightly and wondered…what was Eli wearing right now? Army green? Was it day or night where he was right now? And most importantly, what was he doing? Was he out patrolling, shooting people and trying not to get shot himself? But he had said that wasn't really what he did, and Clare wanted to know exactly what he did do, but she had no way of finding out.

When Adam served her a piece of apple pie, she wondered if the fork she used was one that had also touched Eli's lips, and she knew those thoughts shouldn't cross the mind of a girl with a boyfriend, so she just tried to shove them away.

And it had been so easy previously, she thought.

But something felt different now that Eli was gone.

Something felt wrong.

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

"Mama, mama, mama," Mia cheerfully said as she bounced around her play pen, practicing her sole word with enthusiasm. However, when Linda didn't immediately turn to her - trying to finish setting the table was occupying her mind – the playful 'mamas' turned to a rather urgent whine.

"Coming, sweetheart, momma's coming," Linda said upon picking up on the urgency in her daughter's voice, and she quickly performed a diaper change just in time to hear the phone start ringing.

"Yes? Hello?" she said impatiently, as she still had about a million things left to do before dinner.

"Aunt Linda?" Eli's voice said, a little fuzzy, but otherwise coming in loud and clear.

"Baby boy!" she then exclaimed joyfully. "This is fantastic, so amazing to hear from you! But wait - are you all right, Eli?" she then asked as panic flooded her voice. Eli had now been gone for a month, and although he send her a quick e-mail every Friday that never failed to bring tears to her eyes, actually hearing his voice made her so ecstatic.

"Of course, Auntie, don't worry. I'm just calling to tell you my tour of duty has been extended," Eli said.

"What? No!" Linda exclaimed in anger. "Until when?"

"Christmas," Eli replied. "But it's okay," he added in a sad tone.

"No! No! What about your school, baby boy? The army knows you're in school," she exclaimed.

"I know, but I owe them a year and this way after this tour I will only have to do another four months. It's happening, Aunt Linda. Not much I can do about it," Eli replied as he shrugged his shoulders three thousand miles away.

It took him a lot longer to convince his aunt, but in the end it was a task that was achieved as Eli could hear tiny little impatient 'mamas' in the background, and he gasped at finding out just how quickly things were moving alone back home.

He didn't even think that Mia would recognize him.

But Eli didn't know that as she put Mia to bed that night, Linda pulled the framed photo of Eli in his uniform standing by the Canadian flag that she had, and she held it in her hands as she held Mia in her lap and repeated over and over again, "E-li. E-li. This is E-li. He's your cousin, baby. My sister's baby. Can you say E-li? Huh? E-li?" and Mia's wide eyes stared at the photograph, but no words came out of her tiny pink lips.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"Blanket?" Adam asked Clare thirty minutes into the movie, as he noticed that she was hugging herself and Eli's apartment had a tendency to get cold rather quickly once the sun set and it got cold outside.

"Okay," Clare answered with a timid smile, but as soon as she wrapped the navy blanket around her, she was unnerved. It…smelled like Eli, and she hadn't felt that scent overtake her since the days when Morty was still around and Eli would hand her a blanket to cover up with on some of the chillier Toronto evenings.

She leaned further into the couch and wrapped the blanket tighter around her as she closed her eyes just for a minute before she was startled by the sound of vibrations against the glass coffee table.

"Sorry," Adam said apologetically, and Clare watched him frown when he glanced at the Caller ID.

"It's got like a billion digits," he said as he showed the display to Clare.

"Like when my sister calls from Africa?" Clare offered non-chalantly.

"No way!" Adam exclaimed joyously, catching on at once.

"Dude, Eli, is that you?" he said as soon as he pressed 'answer,' being much too excited at the possibility of hearing from Eli to even attempt to be discreet around Clare.

"Hey Adam," Eli said on the other end of the phone as a smile came over his face at once. "Can't talk long, got like five minutes left," Eli specified.

"I thought you could only call family," Adam pointed out, now glancing at Clare and seeing that her entire face was red but that she was staring intently at him, her eyes wide open.

"Brothers count surely," Eli said with a smirk, and he heard Adam laugh in response.

Clare's heart the dropped when she saw Adam mouth, "Wanna say hi?" and she shook her head at once and mouthed, "No, no, no, I couldn't".

"Adam, gotta tell you something. My tour has been extended until December," Eli said with a frown that Adam couldn't see.

"What? I don't want you to!" Adam exploded, and Clare wished that he could use, full redundant sentences. What was he screaming about?

"Yeah, it blows, I know. Anyway, place is yours for that semester as well – just don't totally trash it, I'd like to have a home to come to. I basically live in a tiny bunker here," Eli joked.

"Dude, what's it like, tell me everything," Adam instructed, and Eli did his best to describe his typical day within the span of only four minutes.

When the satellite phone gave its thirty-second disconnection warning, Adam rolled his eyes and held it out to Clare, who only shook her head more intensely. Deciding to take matters into his own hands, Adam shouted into the phone,

"Don't! Don't go yet, Eli. I've got someone here who wants to say hi," and he threw the phone into Clare's hands.

"Drew?" Eli guessed into the receiver, "I sure hope it's you, because if Adam has some girl over, one: he's dead for not telling me about a lady friend, and two: he'd better change my sheets before undressing her in _my_ bed," Eli joked, and Clare's face flamed red at his words.

"Um…it's not Drew," Clare squeaked, and Eli cursed himself silently while placing his palm over the receiver – _Goddamn it, idiot, out of all the things you could have said, you made a sexual joke…way to go,_ Eli thought as he grimaced.

He returned the phone to his ear and awkwardly said, "God, Clare, sorry, I had no idea it'd be…you," his tone getting really soft as he said 'you'.

"Don't worry about it – boys will be boys," Clare light-heartedly said, because it felt so good to hear his voice again. She even rewarded Eli with a giggle that sent his heart completely soaring.

"Eli…where are you exactly? What country in the Middle East? What city?" Clare slowly asked him, holding her breath.

"Clare…I can't really…I can't say," Eli answered, and Adam swore he thought he could see Clare breathe painfully.

"But Imogen knows!" Clare burst out, losing control of her impulses for a second.

"Umm…Imogen knows because she's married to Daniel. Wives are…allowed to know," Eli sadly told Clare, and he heard her exhale on the other end of the phone.

"Are you safe?" she then asked.

"Of course. Clare, you really don't have to worry about me. I'm great," Eli said with perfect confidence, and Clare hated it. It sounded much too like medicated Eli, and that memory she really didn't like at all.

"That's fun, that you're hanging out with Adam," Eli then said. "Has he burned down my place yet?" he then added playfully, because he wanted to hear Clare's laugh again.

It was his favourite sound in the whole world, and he thought that he could have his tour extended by ten years and not even care…if only he could hear that laugh again in this second.

_There it was._

"Still standing," Clare got out between giggles. "It'll be waiting for you…when you get back," Clare said softly, but the phone cut her off.

She wondered if Eli heard.

XXXXXXXXXX

"Stupid phone," Eli muttered as he tossed it to the side. All he had been able to hear was that his apartment was still standing, but hey, that was always good news, Eli thought with a shrug.

He then decided to head over to Daniel's room, and when he got there he found Daniel staring at Imogen's picture. Eli liked that picture of her; she was smiling brightly at the camera and one of her hands was on top of the other, highlighting her cool little mesh wrist guard.

"How'd she take it?" Eli slowly asked Daniel as he sat down at the end of his bed.

"She cried," Daniel answered, not being a man of too many words – something his legal training had produced in him. He was always clear, concise and to the point – but Eli knew that messing with him was a bad idea; he could win any argument and convince you his opinion was the correct one within a matter of seconds. Daniel also came from a family of long military tradition, and Eli admired the fact that unlike his dad and granddad, Daniel didn't become a soldier, but that he still used his best skills – his law training – to do what his family had always done.

"She gonna be okay?" Eli asked, concern lacing his voice, because he had a tendency to worry about Imogen. Eli had been the happiest person for her when things had developed between her and Daniel – they had gotten to know each other through Eli, and while Eli had been convinced of Daniel's feelings literally from the first time that Daniel had met Imogen, it had taken Imogen a long time to confess to Eli that she liked Daniel as more of a friend. Eli couldn't blame Imogen for being hesitant to open up to him about sensitive matters, however, and he knew it – he was still deeply plagued by guilt and shame when he remembered the circumstances that he had met Imogen under, and it was the third biggest regret of his life….what he had done to her.

"Imo's strong, you know that. I just hate that I let her down," Daniel said sadly as he fixed his stare to the ceiling.

"Come on, man, it's not your fault. We can't control it, she'll understand," Eli tried.

"She said to say hi – she wanted to talk to you, but…she was crying too hard at the end there, so she just said to say hi for her," Daniel whispered.

"Daniel…I'm sorry. I can't imagine what it must be like for you – you just married her and you had to leave for so long right away," Eli sighed as he leaned his back against the white wall.

"I wanted her to have that safety…economically. Just in case, you know," Daniel said, and Eli simply nodded. "But I love her. I wish I could be with her all the time," Daniel said in a moment of weakness, being a little more open than Eli was used to seeing him.

"And you will. Once we get back. Because she wants that too, trust me, I know," Eli encouraged Daniel, and he was happy and relieved to see a small smile cross Daniel's face.

"I swear to God, the _minute _I get home, I'm _so_ making a baby with that girl – first order of business when I touch down on Canadian soil," Daniel said with a laugh and a perfectly disgusted look came over Eli's face as he reached for Daniel's pillow and threw it directly at his face.

"Dude! _That_ is _so_ stuff that I do _not_ need to know," Eli said with a grimace. "Gross," he added as he stared at Daniel and got up from his bed.

"Ugh, I'm getting out of here – I will leave you - and your picture of Imogen - alone," Eli exclaimed with a shudder as he returned to his own room and went over what he had to do tomorrow.

XXXXXXXXXXXX

The next morning, Eli was helping his Lt. repair an armored vehicle that had broken down in the mountains; it had been towed back to base and Eli had been on break when Sean started working on the vehicle, and he had just simply picked up a tool kit and started helping Sean, not exchanging very many words.

The vehicle had a problem with its transmission, something that Morty had frequently suffered from, but Eli loved the advanced equipment of the vehicle – it was so much bigger and so much more powerful than anything that could ever have been Morty's, and it was of the highest standard – it actually belonged to the U.S. Army, but as Canada and the US were working together under the NATO umbrella, they frequently shared equipment, supplies, and sometimes even troops.

Close by, a group of American soldiers who had the day off had started a football game, and within two hours Eli and Sean were almost done. The football game had attracted an audience composed of a rather high proportion of female soldiers and cheers and laughs could frequently be heard by the two boys.

When Eli noticed that Sean took his shirt off due to the heat, he figured this was okay to do – a soldier's uniform affirmed his legal status as a combatant and not just some belligerent which is why they always had to wear it, but they were on base, Eli knew, so he figured it wasn't a big deal and he did the same, because as always, it was hot as hell under the sun.

"Just don't ever take off your dog tags, not even on base," Eli then heard Sean tell him, and he just nodded in response.

"So how do you know so much about cars?" Eli heard Sean ask him, and seeing how this was the first time Sean was making a semblance of an attempt at conversation, Eli decided to do the best he could to reciprocate.

"None of my men have been able to keep up when I've fixed one of these babies," Sean said as he placed his hand on the large armored vehicle.

"In high school I drove a hearse, and it broke down like, every week. I had to learn a lot about cars," Eli said with a shrug.

"You drove a hearse? Those things can't possibly go that fast," Sean said non-judgementally, and Eli's smirk turned even bigger when he noticed that his Lt.'s only concern about Morty was its speed. Eli was starting to be very happy that Sean was his Lt. with every passing day – Sean rarely bothered him, letting him do his writing and never asking him to come out to the field, something that Eli knew Sean and his unit did every single day except Sundays, the rotation benefiting them this way.

"Meh, it didn't go very fast, but it was pretty cool," Eli said sadly, wishing he had had better judgement in that moment of stress on Vegas Night despite knowing very well that he couldn't expect to be sound in the moments of a manic episode.

"Don't have it anymore?" Sean asked.

"No," Eli replied, deciding not to add any more to this particular subject of conversation.

"How do _you_ know so much about cars though?" Eli then asked, deciding to turn the tables as he began screwing the metal casing back onto the front of the armored vehicle.

"Owning a shop one day was sort of a dream of mine," Sean answered with a shrug.

"You still could," Eli pointed out. "How long until you're done here?" he asked.

"It's not like that for me. I'm making a career out of this gig," Sean replied. "Things changed, when I got home after basic training and my first tour – and everything felt different. All the things that I wanted to come home to…they just had…well, everyone had just sort of moved on while I was here. When I saw that, I wanted to come back to the army. It suits me," Sean continued, also holding back information from Eli.

"You're a good Lieutenant," Eli said absent-mindedly, thinking out loud.

"Thanks," Sean replied as he passed Eli an electric screwdriver. "You're not in this for the long haul, though, right? You're a university kid," Sean pointed out, having read over Eli's records as his Lt. duties required him to.

"Yeah, but I do like it," Eli replied. "And Sir, I meant what I said earlier – if you need me in the field, I mean to pull my own weight around here," he added emphatically.

"And the best way for you to do that," Sean replied at once, "is to do keep doing your thing. You're valuable as a writer to my men and many others, so you just keep doing what you're best at – there's a reason the army has you where they have you – the system has been tested and tried many times, and without you, many of my men would not have peace of mind. And I need them to have peace of mind in regards to their loved ones back home if I take them onto that field, trust me on that one," Sean insisted, because he never meant to take Eli off-base unless he really needed him.

"Thank you, Sir," Eli replied politely to his superior.

"All done," Sean said as they both stepped back from the vehicle and shared a gesture that could best be described as a mixture between a high-five and a handshake.

"Well, I'm gonna go get ready to go on patrol, I'm on border duty today. Do me a favour, grab me my combat kit from my room?" Sean asked as he put his shirt back on, the dog tags making a metallic noise that was doubled as Eli did the same.

Sean's room was just the floor above Eli's – his Lt's status also allowed him private quarters – and Eli took this request as a sign of trust on Sean's part, as no one was supposed to go into the Lt's rooms.

"Of course," Eli said as he used his grey shirt to wipe off the sweat off his face.

He walked to the housing quarters quickly, and he took the stairs two at a time, opening the door to Sean's room quickly and looking around for his combat kit. He noticed that Sean's room was just like his, but it was a bit obvious that he had been here longer than Eli – he had more clothing strewn around and a bunch of auto magazines were on his desk.

But Eli couldn't find his combat kit, and as it was a pretty large thing, he decided to look in the drawer by his bed, knowing that this was where many soldiers kept it. Just as he opened the door, however, the draft caused a glossy piece of paper to fall from its resting place by the simple lamp resting above.

Eli picked it up quickly, and curiosity led him to turn it over, revealing a picture of a younger-looking Lt. Cameron when he was not a Lt. yet, Eli reasoned, as he didn't have his two stripes on the shoulder of his uniform. However, the more striking figure of the photo – Lt. Cameron might have been a good-looking guy, but Eli's eye, naturally, was drawn to the feminine figure in the image – a pretty girl with blonde, wavy hair divided into two identical, thick ponytails. Her blouse was navy with red and pink bursts of color, and she was leaning in closely to Lt. Cameron, the view of her being more of a profile one. Eli smiled softly, liking the fact that he would now be able to imagine Lt. Cameron's –

"_What the hell _is your problem, Goldsworthy?" Eli then heard an angry voice ask as Lt. Cameron's frame appeared in the doorway. He knew he had blown it when he heard Sean refer to him by his last name for the very first time, and he stumbled,

"Sorry, Sir, I couldn't find your combat kit, and it just fell so I picked it up," Eli explained.

"It's in the drawer, dumbass," Sean muttered angrily as he snatched the picture from Eli's hands.

"Sir, I wasn't snooping, I swear, I never meant any disrespect to you or your wife –" Eli discreetly said.

He then heard Sean exhale deeply and their eyes locked for a minute before Sean said,

"At ease, Eli," indicating that Eli could relax and drop the 'Sir'.

"Sorry," Eli repeated.

"It's okay, man. I just…over reacted. Came back because I needed my compass too," Sean explained. "And she's not my wife," Eli then heard him mutter.

"Sorry, Sir," Eli then repeated once again, because he was not sure what else he could say.

"But don't ever touch my picture again, or show it to anyone, or tell anyone about it," Sean said as he sat down against his bed, gesturing for Eli to do the same.

"I don't want my men knowing their Lt. is a pathetic fool who carries the photo of a girl who is married to another man," Sean sighed.

Eli then breathlessly said, "Oh," in full understanding.

"What's her name?" he asked softly.

"Emma," Sean said, and for the first time since he had been in Kandahar, Eli saw his Lt. smile.

Sean then watched Eli reach into the inside pocket of his jacket and hold out a glossy photo of himself and a very pretty, sunny-looking girl with bright blue eyes and reddish-brown curly hair, and he could even discern the black hood of what did indeed look very much like a hearse.

"Sir…your Emma is…my Clare," Eli softly said, and Sean nodded in understanding as they both leaned back against the wall.

"She looks very sweet," Sean remarked.

"She is," Eli responded at once.

"Emma looks very sweet too," Eli commented.

"She is," Sean confirmed. "You miss her?" he asked Eli, adding, "Your Clare?"

"I know I shouldn't, but I just can't help it. The heart wants what the heart wants, I guess. But she's not mine, so it doesn't matter," he said with a jolt.

"Come on," Sean continued, because something told him this Clare cared deeply about Eli – it was written all over her face in that photo. "Once you go home - what are you waiting for? Steal her back," Sean encouraged Eli.

"Did you ever go home and try to win Emma back?" Eli asked.

"After some time apart, yeah, I did. She was dating some snobby prick," Sean scoffed.

"Did you get rid of that guy?" Eli asked.

"In a second," Sean proudly answered, "but it was actually more him digging his own grave by doing a stupid thing – planting drugs in my locker to get me kicked out of Degrassi, my high school," Sean continued.

"You went to Degrassi?" Eli asked in surprise.

"Yeah," Sean answered.

"Me too," Eli continued.

"No way," Sean said with a faint smile. "Did Simpson ever teach you?' he asked.

"Teach me? He was the principal by the time that I got there," Eli said.

"Wow, _Principal_ Simpson…no way," Sean said, and Eli could tell that Simpson had had a much better relationship with Sean than he had.

"Yeah. I gave him heck while I was there," Eli admitted. "This jerk thought it would be funny to bring a knife to the school dance and pretend to stab me – so you bet Simpson _loved_ that, and then…sounds like I did exactly what that prick that messed with you did. I tried to win her back, but I was all messed up," Eli explained.

He continued, "I planted prescription pills in the locker of her new boyfriend, thinking that would magically make him disappear. _So_ stupid. I never should have done it, and even the fact that she'd see him all the time at her house should have been enough to snap me out of it, if nothing else," Eli sighed.

"She lived with her boyfriend in high school?" Sean asked.

"Oh no, no – trust me, Clare would be the last person to do that - she's on a purity vow, or was anyway, who knows…she's changed somewhat – I saw her kiss her new boyfriend more times in a single day than the entirety of our kisses over three months – and _I wish_ that I was exaggerating. She'd see him all the time at home because their parents got married," Eli explained.

"What the hell? So she dated her brother? That's gross, man," Sean said with a raised eyebrow.

"They weren't related at all," Eli clarified.

"Whatever, if he's _in your house_ living as _your brother_ – that's messed up. So freaking awkward," Sean declared assertively.

"Well, anyway, it was stupid, and Simpson was not impressed when I played that little drug trick – and later that night, I burned a script of the play I wrote on stage – should have seen the look on his face then – "Eli said with a small laugh.

"Meh, Simpson's seen worse – trust me on that one," Sean said with a shrug.

"But what happened? If you won Emma back , then…?" Eli then asked.

"I left with the forces, and she found someone else while I was gone. By the time I came back she had his ring on her finger. Simple, and it happens all the time. Game over," Sean informed Eli.

"Ouch," Eli replied.

"Yeah. It sucks. What about your Clare, what happened after your little pill mishap?" Sean asked.

"She was pissed at me – really pissed. It was awkward, I apologized and…I got diagnosed after the play I mentioned," Eli slowly said, looking over at Sean shyly and saying, "You…probably know from my file that I'm - " and Sean gently cut him off by saying,

"I might have read something about that," Sean kindly said, sensing Eli's discomfort. "Not that it matters to me, as long as you check in with the on-sire psych when you need to," he added and Eli nodded assuringly.

"After I…became aware of that, things started coming together slowly. I knew what was wrong, which was great, because it meant I could stabilize it – wish I could say 'fix it' but I can't. But…Clare…she never forgave me. We talked here and there, awkward moments mostly, but she was always happier with the guys she dated after me," Eli sadly said.

"You mean with her brother?" Sean teased.

"Jake," Eli supplied. "They broke-up, I don't even know why, but then she dated some other guy John and thank God I was in university by that time – she's a year younger than me – because I couldn't watch any more hallway and locker make-outs and keep my semblance of a somewhat sanity, but now…now she's with a guy she really likes, I think. He's older, and smart, and he says all the right things, which I never seemed quite able to do," Eli said.

"You're a writer, dude. One of the best in the country if the army recruited you. How is that possible? I don't buy it," Sean specified.

"Not good enough for Clare. Never good enough. She hates my writing, too. She hates everything about me – actually _wait_, no, not anymore, because in order for her to hate me she would have _to think_ about me, which she never does," Eli said as he stared into space.

"I don't know about that," Sean asked. "Have you met girls? They're always pretending they don't care but deep down inside, they know what they want," Sean supplied.

"Yeah, well, like you said – it's game over. She has Lorenzo now, and I wouldn't even be surprised if when I go back home she'll have his ring on her finger too. Not even one bit," Eli softly said, shaking his head.

"I hope she doesn't, dude. I really hope she doesn't," Sean replied as he looked at Eli and mirrored his sad smirk.

XXXXXXXXXXXX

_And today, more than any other day, I would like to recognize the efforts of our brave men and women fighting overseas for peace and -_

"Turn that off," Clare snapped at Jake, who simply flashed her an irritated look.

"It's Canada Day, good luck running away from it today," Jake snapped right back, being mad that Clare apparently thought she would get to dictate what he would watch on TV – he had simply been watching a news channel when she had stormed downstairs, Jake thought bitterly.

"I'm not running," Clare muttered, but the sound of her cell phone distracted her, and she answered it quickly.

"Hi," Jake heard in a sweet voice and a blushing face that was only reserved for one person in Clare's life, Jake knew, so he made an exaggerated gagging gesture in her direction and chuckled when she flashed him a look of daggers, which only served to anger Clare more.

This led to her storming up the stairs and a subsequent increase in Jake's laughs as he turned the TV back on and settled on his original channel, still chuckling at how easy it was to get under her skin.

"…well I don't know if I am," Clare was saying to Lorenzo upstairs.

"What? Come on baby, it's gonna take me all day, and if you don't come, I won't get to see you. Besides, it'll be fun – it's the most epic protest in all of Toronto. You can put together a cool anti-war outfit, like a run-down military uniform," Lorenzo was saying, and Clare shifted uncomfortably.

She had had no idea that he was such an anti-war activist until the recent Canadian deployment of its troops, and Clare had also heard something about all of them getting their tours of duty extended.

"But I don't know if I want to protest!" Clare yelled into the phone, her outburst shocking Lorenzo.

"Come on, you don't actually _support_ the military, do you?" Lorenzo asked her.

"I'm just saying that….I don't know what I think yet. I don't know my opinion, I haven't done all the research needed to get an educated one," she stumbled.

"Well, all the more reason for you to come to the protest – you can learn all about the evils those testerone-induced, glory-seeking monsters, or 'soldiers' are rampaging through – " Lorenzo started.

"Stop it! Don't you think it's a little disrespectful to protest on Canada Day? All those old men who are veterans…how do you think it would make them feel?" Clare whispered, feeling embarrassed at once, so she sweetly added, "I promised my mom I would hang out with her today," she lied.

"Aww you're gonna hang out with your mommy? Aw, bella, so young. So, so, young," Lorenzo teased, and Clare got so irritated with him that she muttered a goodbye and just hung up on him.

XXXXXXXXXXX

"Mama, mama," Mia said right before she threw up, an action which was met with a groan by her mommy. However, the little girl was soon cleaned up and she then energetically ran around the house at full just-learned-this-cool-new-thing speed, ending up in a face plant on the soft, fluffy carpet that lined the 'safety area' as Eli's aunt and uncle called it – the gated area that Mia could practice her walking in.

"You're like a little walking/running disaster today, sweetheart," Linda said as she picked up her little girl and brought her to her bed. She began showing Mia a colorful picture book, and right as she saw Mia begin to drift off to sleep, she reached for the picture by her nightstand and softly said,

"E-Eli…can you say _Eli,_ baby girl?"

Mia giggled up at her mom and then uttered, "Mama – book," gesturing with a feisty little look to the princess picture book her mom had been showing her.

XXXXXXXXXX

_Canadian Forces Col. Jamieson _

_ BUCHANAN A205 12:30 – 2:30_

_POLI 374 students only please _

Ten minutes away, Clare thought. She had come to campus on this summer day to pick up a transcript, but the poster caught her eye at once. She guessed that POLI 374 must be going on in the summer, and she wondered what it was.

There was…someone from the army speaking, that much she figured out. The class must be getting s guest speaker, she repeated to herself as she pulled her phone out and checked the U of T course calendar for the title of what POLI 374 meant.

She found it quickly.

_Political Science 374 – International Peacekeeping_

She saw that the class had a 60-student membership, so…they might not be able to identify that she wasn't a member. She could keep quiet, only listen, she thought.

_Screw it_, she whispered as she opened the lecture hall door and slid into one of the chairs in the back. Many students were already there, and ten minutes later, a tall man in his 40s wearing the same type of uniform as the one that Clare had seen Dr. Stevenson wear on that horrible day that Eli had left made his way to centre of the room. Clare noticed that he shook hands with the class' professor, and he placed his hands on his hips and assertively nodded at everything the professor was saying.

She felt a little out of place, but God damn it, if this was a class on peacekeeping and this guy was a Colonel in the forces, it was close…she could find out what it was like for Eli…where he was…what he was doing, she thought, pushing aside all of her previous attitudes after images of Remembrance day flashed through her mind. Something had seemed wrong to Clare about protesting on that day, and she had committed to learning more about this whole situation or Lorenzo would make her feel like a little girl again, she thought angrily.

And if there was one thing in the world that Clare hated, it was exactly that.

"Ladies and gentlemen, please join me in welcoming Colonel Ivan Jamieson of the Canadian Armed Forces," Clare then heard the professor say, and she clapped along with the rest of the students as a large 'OPERATION CROCODILE' slide flashed onto the large screen in the lecture hall.

"Thank you, Dr. Woodward," the Colonel replied, and very soon, Clare understood that he had just returned from a one-year long mission in the Congo, serving as the Chief of Command in the UN peacekeeping mission.

Clare learnt a lot that afternoon. She learned that peacekeeping meant a very different thing from war; she learned how in war, the army goes in to find a clearly identified enemy and claim victory over them, while in peacekeeping, the army's mandate is the protection of civilians. She learned that they were often coalition missions, meaning countries came together with other organizations such as NATO as well, so often Canadian soldiers traveled along with U.S. and British ones, using many different ways of transport.

The Colonel explained how in the Congo, 26 different clans were fighting for control, and two of them would never give up – the Lord's Resistance Army members would only stop when dead; unlike some of the other factions, they refused integration into the regular army if they were allowed to keep their status and position. She learned that the fact that the Congo was rich with natural resources was both a curse and a privilege. She learned that malaria had taken the life of the man who used to guard the entrance to the Colonel's home in the Congo.

She learned that peacekeeping missions often don't have the budget that they need, that there was a lot of bureaucracy involved. She learned that protecting a civilian population of which 95% lives in the jungle, in austere environments, even with 19 000 troops is a difficult task that simply cannot be guaranteed.

She learned that the best peacekeepers were soldiers, because civilians often needed to be protected from aggressors who had no trouble killing men, women, and children indiscriminately. She learned that the rules of combat and all of its legalities were not followed by all rebel insurgents, and her heart sank when Colonel Jamieson said that combatant or not – one patch on your arm wouldn't make a difference to someone who wanted to shoot you.

Clare immediately flashed to the image of Eli in his uniform…he had the Canadian flag on his shoulder, she remembered, and the blue UN logo that indicated that he was going abroad as a peacekeeper, and the word 'veritas,' she remembered. And he also had the image of the Roman Lady Justice – only him and Daniel had that embroidery, she had noticed, and she had correctly identified that it demarcated Eli as someone who was also using the weapon of words.

But among all of the information Colonel Jamieson was sharing, it was the images that struck Clare more than anything else. There was a picture of a young Canadian soldier who was smiling reassuringly at a twelve-year old girl that he was carrying in his arms – and tears formed in Clare's eyes when Colonel Jamieson informed the audience that that was one of his men, and the reason why the girl was bleeding profusely and why her hair was charred was because she had been beaten, and burned because she was accused of with craft. Colonel Jamieson explained that the Congolese had a range of beliefs in God, voodoo, and that if his men hadn't gotten there, the girl would have definitely been killed. He explained that the infant mortality rate was 78% and that armed groups, poverty, poor infrastructure, rape, disease, lawlessness, corruption, child soldiers, fear and weak justice were all things he had to fight every day and the despite the fact that it felt like an uphill battle most of the time, he knew that peacekeeping was a slow battle – an operation of attrition, as he called it – but that it was worth it.

That one picture proved to Clare that it was worth it. She didn't want to go protest against the work of Canadian peacekeepers and she knew it.

The students then got a chance to ask questions, and it was clear to Clare that they had been studying the Congo and she didn't want to ask a question of her own in public.

But at the end of the lecture, she bit her lip and walked down to the front of the lecture hall. She knew this was a rare chance, and she didn't want to miss it.

"Excuse me," she politely said, and she was met with a smile from Colonel Jamieson at once.

"Yes, darling?" he asked.

"I…I need some help. I…wanted to ask something," she shyly started, and Colonel Jamieson, a father of two teenage daughters, was struck by Clare's sweet demeanour and asked her to sit down and assured her that he would answer her questions. Clare took care not to disclose that she was not a poli sci student, afraid the Col wouldn't share any information with her in that case.

"You talked about the Congo a lot…but what countries is Canada in in the Middle East?" she asked.

"Currently, Afghanistan and Iraq, and there are some forces in Pakistan – but only Afghanistan and Iraq are peacekeeping missions, and they are very robust peacekeeping missions," Col. Jamieson explained.

"Robust?" Clare asked in confusion, and Col. Jamieson thought she wasn't a very strong polis ci student by the questions she was asking.

"Robust means that part of the mandate includes that the soldiers are deployed in highly volatile environments, and therefore have to bring more of their combat kit with them. It also means that they have the legal standing to identify and eliminate aggressors such as the Taliban – they are authorized to use 'all necessary means' to keep the civilians safe, establish a constitutional government – run elections and such," Col. Jamieson explained.

"And what if…what if they are not soldiers? They are like, English students and they write grants and things? Are they…in danger?' Clare whispered.

"Darling, anyone over there is in danger – like I said, one patch on your shoulder that is different won't make insurgents kill you. What you are describing is a special representative – and if the insurgents knew they were that, they would actually target them specifically. The writing jobs, they are a relatively new development, so the enemy doesn't know that the boys in those spots know valuable information. They have three main duties: first they start by collating reports, rather simple, but it's often done when they first get to base so that they have time to get used to their new existence in the Middle East. After about a month or so, they take up their real jobs: they help with report writing – and in the Middle East this will be intelligence-type work – and they also spend a lot of their time writing grants to the Canadian government to ensure that soldiers have the appropriate funding once they come home, to be safe. They write grants to get them college funds, money for their mortgages and healthcare costs they might have, money for their kids' schools, money for their dependants…they are very valuable personnel within the army, and not many exist so their tours often get extended. Many of them also get their combat training – it's recommended if they are heading into volatile environments," Col. Jamieson explained.

The explanation left Clare…completely shell-shocked.

She thought Eli would be safer than your average soldier, by the way he had vaguely alluded to his job.

But she realized now that he had done that only to get her not to worry.

And as he looked into her striking blue eyes, Col. Jamieson picked up on the girl's fear, so he softly asked,

"What's going on, darling? Where is he?"

"I don't even know," Clare whispered in horror.

"Only wives –" Col. Jamieson started, and Clare cut him off with a nod and a "I know, I know…but I want to know," she whispered.

"Oh, there's ways to know. Don't tell anyone I told you this," Col. Jamieson took pity on Clare, "but call this number," he said, writing it down on a piece of paper for her.

"Use the number on his dog tag – tell the operator and she'll tell you where his last check-in was," he instructed Clare.

"I don't have his dog tag," Clare whispered.

"Oh. Well, never mind then," Col. Jamieson softly said, believing that if a girl didn't have her boy's dog tag, there was a reason for that.

The boy believed she didn't want it.

Clare made her way out of the lecture hall with a heavy heart.

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

"Come on, it's for you. Don't be scared," Eli said as he held out the Hershey's chocolate bar to a little girl with pretty dark skin, striking brown eyes and a green shawl covering her hair. He had finally been taken off-base by his Lieutenant – Sean had told Eli and Daniel that they could accompany him into the nearest town as he delivered some UN equipment to the local piece force.

Whenever the Canadian and American forces went into town, they made sure to bring some of the chocolate bars with them, and the children of Kandahar had long learned this, and some of the more eager boys would run to them and ask to hold their guns after – the answer to which had to be no, but they did always receive a chocolate bar.

Eli had noticed that while the boys were eager and fearless in approaching the soldiers, the girls often hung back, so he made sure to save some for them, and slowly, but surely, this particular little girl – she must have been around eight or nine – approached him and said something to him that Eli assumed meant "thank you" and that the translator who was accompanying Daniel and him and Sean confirmed.

Walking with his C7 rifle in the crook of his underarm was a strange sensation, and every soldier carried about twenty pounds worth of material with him in the blistering heat, but all in all, Eli coped very well as he looked around at the town. It was the furthest thing from Toronto's concrete jungle that you could imagine; sand everywhere, very little vegetation, and roads that would not have passed for trails in Toronto.

However, the boys completed their assignment well and soon returned to base; Eli finally understood why so many of the soldiers called it 'home away from home' for the very first time – being off base was an unsettling feeling for him, and he was able to exhale deeply when he returned. If it was possible, he admired the soldiers even more for venturing like that every day.

Eli's usual daily duties had already led him to have the greatest amount of respect possible for the forces; as he invited soldier after soldier into his small, but well equipped office and encouraged them to refer to him as 'Eli' and not 'Sir,' he told them to just merely talk to him and tell him their story, the irony of how much he sounded like his therapist hitting him every time.

He met with soldier after soldier, day after day, and he wrote and wrote and sent in report after report diligently.

Each one told a different story, and at night, upon retreating into his sleeping quarters and holding the picture of Clare tightly, he…also wrote creatively, to unload his stress. He didn't intend to try to get his stories published – how could he, being so far away – but he just needed a method of coping with all the things that he listened to every day, and for Eli, it had always been writing.

And today was no exception; Eli grabbed a quick lunch – it was chicken burgers, fries, and mac and cheese in the caf today – and he headed to his office, knowing he had a few appointments today.

And as they did every day, the soldiers came and Eli wrote line after line, the files in his word document each telling a different story.

_….My name is Mass Corporal Ryan Lonsdale…_

_ …Sergeant Jason O'Leah…_

_ …Sergeant Shawn Brown…_

_ …I've been with the Canadian Forces Land Advanced Warfare Centre for two years…_

_ …I've been in the Canadian Forces for twelve years now…_

_ …I've served in Somalia and the Golan Heights and now I'm here…_

_ …I'm very proud to have served for as long as I have…_

_ …I've served two tours of Bosnia, and one of Afghanistan…_

_ …In 1999, I decided it was time to serve my country..._

_ …You know, it's like your family away from home…_

_ …I'd like my beneficiary to be my wife and two daughters…_

_ …I'd like to go to grad school when I get back…._

_ …I'd like to make sure my husband is looked after…_

_ …I'd like to try to get some money for my son and daughter's college, I can't leave my wife on her own without any help if…_

It was emotionally draining work, and Eli sometimes got teary-eyed in front of his computer, but he knew it was up to him to secure the funding that would give these soldiers the peace of mind they needed.

It had been five months now.

Eli had secured every grant he had applied for.

He had a 100% success rate.

Lt. Sean didn't go around preaching it, but he was proud of his writer.

And when it came time for Lt. Sean to meet with Eli and name his beneficiary, Eli wasn't surprised at all to hear Lt. Sean slowly say, 'Emma Nelson. She'd do so many good things with the money'.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"Nana, please turn that off," Clare told her grandma when she was visiting before the start of the rapidly-approaching school year.

"It's just the news darling, is it too loud?" Clare's grandma asked absent-mindedly.

"Please…off," Clare said, regaining her breath after the announcement was made.

It was _not _Eli.

He was a Canadian boy, but he was from British Columbia, not Toronto - it was _not_ Eli, Clare repeated to herself.

And he didn't die, but he did lose his legs.

"All right, sweetheart," Clare's grandma agreed.

"God bless that boy's family," Clare then heard her granddad say as he brought her a cup of hot chocolate with tiny marshmallows in it, just like he always did when she was a little girl.

"Thank you," she said kindly.

"Some of our best boys are over there," Clare's granddad remarked absent-mindedly.

"Just like always," Clare's grandma said with a wink in her husband's direction, causing Clare to ask,

"What?"

"Just like when we were young – and your grandfather was in the war," Clare's grandma replied non-chalantly.

"What? You were in the war? How did I not know this?" Clare asked in complete shock.

"You didn't? Well, I only went in for a bit at the end there – peace was declared soon after, I was rather young," Clare's grandpa replied.

"But you were a doctor! A cardiologist," Clare protested her granddad by now having retired.

"Exactly – everyone did whatever they were best at in those days. Doctors and war go hand in hand, sweetheart. I hadn't done my cardiology specialization yet, but I went over to France – I was there for D-Day, at Vimy Ridge. And I got to walk in the front lines of liberation in Amsterdam – Canada took over the duties of Holland, or the Netherlands as they call it these days," Clare's granddad told her.

"I can't believe this," Clare sighed, wondering…how she didn't know.

"It's where I met your grandfather, actually," her grandma announced, and had a shiny green elephant dropped in the room Clare couldn't have been more surprised.

"Why didn't I know any of this?" she asked.

"Soldiers don't talk about what they do, sweetheart, they're modest boys," Clare's grandma replied, and Clare instantly thought of the way that Eli would always avoid talking about his army duties.

"I was a nurse," Clare's grandma said.

"But you were a teacher!" Clare protested again.

"Well, it was a world war sweetheart – a lot of us girls just did the Red Cross training and went overseas to help - I was in France too, and I was assigned to your granddad's patients," she said with a smile directed at her husband.

"Wow," Clare said.

"Do you want to see pictures?" her grandma asked.

"Yes!" Clare burst out, and she spent the next hour nestled in between her grandparents' hug, looking at their wedding photo – she realized she hadn't seen it until now, and…her granddad was in a uniform that…looked so much like Eli's that it took Clare aback at once.

"And I was really heartbroken when your granddad had to stay and I had to head back, but he promised he would find me at home. And he did," Clare's grandma beamed.

"It was the first promise our granddad made to me, and he never broke it – just like all of the ones he has made me since. It's why I married him, you know. It's quite a thing to find a man who you know will never betray you or leave you alone, hurt and misplaced. I knew your grandfather and I were a team, and that we complemented each other well. Oh, we fought – we were both stubborn, but we knew when to forgive. We figured it all out together," Clare's grandma said as Clare saw her granddad reach for his wife's hand.

"Was it hard? Waiting for him?" Clare whispered, and she then whispered, "Worrying about him? Not knowing if he was…okay?"

"Of course," her grandma added. "But I knew God would bring him back to me," she added softly.

"What about you, grandpa? Were you…scared? In the war?" Clare asked.

"Yes; we all were. None of us would admit it – soldier's bravado and all that - but we all were. And being away from your grandma for those few months was by far the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life, but I knew the war had to be coming to an end soon and I also had one thing that I kept telling myself and then it didn't feel quite so bad," Clare's granddad answered.

"What's that?" she asked, and upon seeing her grandma smile softly, Clare knew that she was remembering it.

"Well, sweetheart, I just reminded myself that we were just apart for the time being so I could know the joy of being with her again," he answered as he felt his granddaughter hide her face in his embrace.

"Sweetheart, are you all right? What's going on?" her grandma asked.

"Nothing, nothing, I'm fine," Clare said with a shake of her curls.

That night, Clare's grandma showed her the eighty letters that she had kept from her husband – they were all dated 1945, and they all ended with the same line.

_We are apart so that I may know the joy of being with you again. _

XXXXXXXXXX


	12. I Want You to Live

**Hi, **

**I'm a little numb from writing this chapter to say anything else here. OH check out the things on my tumblr page, they help understand some of the things in these chapters. **

**Twitter: westcoasttrees1 Tumblr: westcoasttrees**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi. **

XXXXXXXXXX

Eli Goldsworthy was shaking.

It was Dean.

The boy who had lost his legs while de-mining a field was Dean.

Dean, who had been sitting in Eli's office just last week, to make sure that if anything were to happen, the funds reserved for him would go to his little brother, who was only eleven.

Eli could remember every word of what Dean had told him.

_He wouldn't come say by to me that day – but then he ran out and told me that he would clean my room , wash my car, give me his rookie of DiMaggio if I didn't go – if I stayed home. But I tried to explain it to him as best as I could – this is what brothers are for. _

For the first time since getting to Afghanistan, Eli walked with shaking hands to the on-site psychiatrist. He was glad he did, and that night he grabbed his pen and black notebook and coped with his first touch of tragedy the best way that he could.

He wrote Dean's story, fictionalizing it because there were many details that he didn't know, but keeping as true as possible to the original account because he wanted Dean to be able to recognize himself. But Eli switched points of view, because…it felt more right that way; it just did.

…_The house was like a tomb as I was gluing the bits of wood together to finish the last model that I had in my collection. I was hiding in my room as my brother made his way on down the hall. I didn't want to say good-bye and I was trying to deny that there was a war, and that he got the call. I watched him from my window walking down the drive, and I ran down the stairway through the front door and I cried, _

_ 'You come back, you hear?' and I let him see my tears. _

_ 'I'll give you my rookie of DiMaggio – I'll do anything you want – clean your room or wash your car; I'll do anything so long as you don't go'. _

_ But all he said was, _

_ 'This is what brothers are for'. _

_ I had my heroes – but the one I loved the most taught me how hunt and swing a bat. And I wrote him every night; I said I miss our pillow fights, but lately I just wonder where you're at. Sometimes freedom makes it hard to live; it takes things from you that you don't want to give. _

_ I may never have to face the anger of those guns, or lie cold and wounded in my blood, but I know the sacrifice and what it must have cost for him to love me that much. _

Eli paused to calm the shaking of his hands before he wrote the next part. Because the next part was very, very necessary.

_It had been two years, and I held back my tears when I saw him in that wheelchair on the shore. And as I ran and held him tight, that's when he looked me in the eye and he said, _

_ 'I'm sorry that you have to push me home,' and I replied, _

_ 'Hey – this is what brothers are for.' _

XXXXXXXX

XXXXXXXXXXXX

"Eli?" Daniel asked as he stood in the doorway of Eli's office.

"Hey, come in," Daniel said as he placed the _Principles and Practices_ folder back onto its shelf in his small office on the Canadian forces base.

"Ready for dinner?" Eli asked with a smirk, as the boys always ate this meal together as they kept pretty similar working hours.

"I was just wondering if you could look at something first," Daniel shyly said. Daniel and timidness was something that was incredibly out of character for him, and Eli was rather surprised.

"Sure, what is it?" he asked, now getting just plain worried.

"I wrote this letter…it's for Imogen, and I just…just for this one, I want to make sure that it's worded nicely and all. Imogen likes your writing, and I was hoping you could help me fine-tune it a bit," Daniel asked.

Eli gave him a confused stare in response – he saw Daniel write to Imogen literally every single night, so what had gotten into him all of a sudden. He decided to use humour to try to iron out the truth.

"Dude – I _so_ do _not _need to read a letter you write to Imogen describing explicitly _just_ what you plan on doing with her when we touch down," he said with a playful grimace.

"Eli," Daniel softly said as he lowered his gaze, and Eli became even worried.

"Daniel, you'd better not be breaking up with her –" Eli whispered in horror.

"What? No!" Daniel replied at once. "I wrote her…you know, one of those, just-in-case letters," he admitted. "If it's the last she reads from me, I want it to…I want it to sound nice. I'm a good writer because my law training has made me one – but I write clearly and to the point, not all poetic like you can. And she likes that," Daniel shrugged.

Eli thought that whatever Daniel had written was exactly what his wife should read – just the way it was, but he didn't want to completely shut down his friend, so he softly said,

"All right. Let me see," and he read Daniel's words with shaking hands.

_Baby, _

_ If you're reading this – well, it looks like I only got a one-way ticket over here. It's funny, because every day when I wake up I feel like I have just kissed your lips. But there's something you should know that I haven't told you enough times. You are the best thing in my life. I never thought I'd be the kind of guy to get married young, or want to start a family. But all I want to do is to have a baby – or more- with you and grow old together. And if I don't get to do that, then there's something I want you to do. _

_ I want you to live. _

_ I want you to love. _

_ I want you to go on and not give up. _

_ I want you to try. _

_ I want you to know that I'm all right. _

_ I want to you to fall in love again. _

_ I want to see you smile again. _

_ I want you to live. _

_ Because you're the one who taught me how to do all of those things; the day I started breathing was the day you took my hand. _

_ I'll always love you. _

Eli looked up at Daniel with shiny, wet eyes.

"There is not one single thing that I can do to this to make it any better – it's perfect, Daniel. Perfect," Eli said emphatically, because he believed that the words that Daniel had written to Imogen were absolutely the correct message.

Eli then continued, "But I want you to promise me something, Daniel," he said strictly.

"If you go off-base – ever – page me," Eli said strictly. "Because I'm coming too – like brothers, remember? I made a promise to Imogen, and I intend to keep it," he continued.

"Same goes for you," Daniel replied, just as strictly.

"Deal," Eli replied with a smirk. "Are you…scared, Daniel?' Eli then softly asked.

"I'm here because I want to be," Daniel replied at once. "Know why?" he then added with a smile.

"Why?" Eli asked, because he felt that Daniel didn't mean his family's long-standing military tradition or the fact that he wanted to be a military lawyer.

"Because…I realized as soon as I understood just how much Imogen meant to me, that, if I ever do get to have those kids with her…that I'm here so they won't have to be," Daniel said with a deep exhale.

"You'll get to have them," Eli asserted quickly. "And you'd better tell them about the coolest guy around who made sure their parents met each other, and had to listen to his dad's whines and over-sharing of…future plans," Eli said with a smirk.

"Let's hope so," Daniel replied with a smile.

XXXXXXXXXXXX

The boys didn't have to wait long to leave base; but they both realized that their Lt. had asked them to accompany their unit on the particular mission because it was incredibly safe – it was just equipment transport from the UN base in Italy.

And so Eli and Daniel found themselves on shores of the Mediterranean after a flight, looking up at the _H.M.S. Enterprise_.

"Listen up," Sean told his men, and they responded by getting into formation and devoting their full attention to him.

"All we're doing is loading equipment, so take it easy and enjoy being in European waters for a bit," Sean instructed.

He continued, "The _H.M.S. Enterprise_ is a United States vessel, so please show respect to their military band when they play the US Navy anthem – salute the flag and maintain your salute throughout the song, it's an old Christian hymn. Then we'll start loading and be on our way. If all goes well and we finish up quickly, it looks like we might be able to have a beer on board tonight," Sean told his men, and he was met with cheers and hollers.

Sean led his platoon to stand by the US battalion, and just like instructed, when they heard the drums from the military band, they turned to face the US and Canadian flags that flew side-by-side in the Italian port city, and Eli kept his salute as the song began.

_Eternal Father, strong to save _

_ Whose arm hath bound the restless wave_

_ Who bidd'st the mighty ocean deep_

_ Its own appointed limits keep_

_ O hear us when we cry to Thee_

_ For those in peril on the sea_

XXXXXXXX

Three thousand miles away at that same minute, Clare Edwards stood between her mother and step-father as she held her hymnal in front of her and sang along with the entire church…

_O Holy Spirit, who didst brood_

_ Upon the waters dark and rude_

_ And bid their angry tumult cease,_

_ And give, for wild confusion, peace_

_ O hear us when we cry to Thee _

_ For those in peril on the sea_

_ Protect them whereso'er they go_

_ Thus evermore shall rise to Thee_

_ Glad hymns of praise from land and sea_

And then the congregation sat down quietly as Pastor Dan, the very pastor who had christened Clare and Darcy and watched them both grow up began his sermon.

"Thank you, all. We are gathered here today on a dark day for many Canadian families, many Toronto families. We all heard about the young man on the news recently who lost his legs in the war in the Middle East; and I intend to open a dialogue today on this rather controversial topic.

Now, we pastors are not experts in foreign policy, politics or war making, but we are to know about what the Bible teaches. We discover that human beings are warring people. Jesus was right when he said that there will always be wars and rumors of wars. We discover that war is part of our human condition, that we are in bondage to sin and evil, and so we inevitably ask: "What wars can we participate in?" In other words, what wars are just? Augustine, in the fourth century, was the first important theologian of the early church to think deeply about the question: "What wars are just? What makes for a just war?" During the past sixteen hundred years, his ideas have been expanded, but Augustine was the first Christian theologian to think through the question: "What makes a war justified?"

What is a Just War?The war must be _for a just cause_. Examples of a just cause include: defense against an unjust invader, or humanitarian intervention to stop abuses of human rights by a tyrannical regime. The main just cause is to put right a wrong. Sometimes a war fought to prevent a wrong from happening may be considered a just war. At several places in the New Testament, we are called to be peace-makers – and this is exactly what our men and women are doing abroad. So I ask you to join me in not supporting war necessarily – but do join me in supporting the forces," Pastor Dan finished.

"I want to help!" Clare burst out, causing the entire congregation to turn around and stare at her, her cheeks turning bright red in a second.

"Well, I'm glad to have you on board, Miss. Edwards. Couldn't do it without you," Pastor Dan replied with a huge smile.

He then leaned a little more against his podium as he said, "We will be collecting canned goods, baked goods – any Canadian comforts that you feel our men and women abroad would like to have – all throughout the next week. They will be sent to Ottawa and from there they will make their way to the front lines".

"And liquor-filled chocolates!" Clare said in another outburst, remembering what Eli had told her about how much the men he worked with liked those.

Pastor Dan shot her a funny look, but he then repeated,

"And liquor filled chocolates, everyone, you heard the young lady," shooting her a warm smile.

When Clare turned to her mom, she saw that same smile mirrored.

XXXXXXXXX

"Oh my God, these are amazing," Eli said as he stuffed about five of the chocolates in his mouth.

"Don't hog them all," Daniel told him as he stole the bag from Eli.

"Hey! That church sent enough for all the units from Toronto – get your own," Eli shot back, rolling his eyes and permitting Daniel to have some of his chocolates when Daniel held up the empty wrappers he had collected, as he ate all of his really quickly.

"Fine," Eli gave in.

"Eli!" he then heard, and he stood up quickly at the sound of Lt. Sean's voice, standing up from his bed and saluting Sean.

"When are you gonna learn to stop doing that? At ease," Sean replied, and Eli quickly listened.

"What can I do you for?" he asked Sean with a smirk.

"Here – write a thank you letter to the church who sent us those care packages – someone's gotta do it, and now I have a writer on my team," Sean teased, quickly leaving to go over command and control plans for the upcoming mission.

"All right," Eli said to himself as he picked up a pen and paper and wrote a thank you letter, addressing it to the church that the girl he loved attended – not that he knew any of this, of course.

XXXXXXXX

A week and a half, as her pastor handed her the thank-you letter, thinking that the girl who had led the effort would simply like to see it, Clare Edwards felt her heart almost jump out of her chest as she read the letter's closing lines.

_…but the most amazing thing was that not only did you send these packages to total strangers out of the goodness of your heart, but you sent us tons of our favourite treat – soldiers go nuts for liquor-filled chocolates. We don't really get to drink when we're deployed, so it's quite the joy to receive even a little taste of those fantastic chocolates. Your thoughtfulness reminded us all of the reasons why we are over here, and it means the world to us to know that in the hustle and bustle of everyday life in Toronto, we haven't been forgotten. Sometimes I feel like people only hear about us when we do something bad – make a mistake in friendly fire – or when we are no longer around. But your gift let us know that we are in your hearts, and that means the world to us. _

_ So thank you, whoever you are – tonight when I look up at the moon I'll be thinking of home and how it's the same moon that you also see. And on a personal note, thank you for sending us a letter as well. Because tonight is the first night that I've been deployed that I get to write a letter to someone too. I have family and friends who love me, but letters and writing just isn't their passion. It's actually one of mine, believe it or not. _

_ It's just that I don't have someone to send a letter to. _

_ But tonight, that all changed, because of your kindness. So thank you for that. It means more to me than you'll ever know. _

_ Sincerely, _

_ Eli Goldsworthy_

_ Just a solider_

XXXXXXXX

_Dear Eli, _

_ Hi! I know you probably weren't expecting a reply, but I just have to tell you one thing. _

_ Your writing is beautiful. I want to write back to you…not just this once. _

_ You said you had no one to write a letter to. Well, Eli, I wouldn't mind if you sent a letter back here to me, you know. Just send it to my church, and I'll send my replies to Ottawa and they'll get to you. _

_ You're a soldier, and I read that it's bad luck for one of you to not have someone to send a letter to. _

_ So just do what you do best and write to me, Eli. _

_ But promise me something. _

_ Tell me everything. Don't leave anything out. Tell me everything you do in a day, and I'll be here – waiting for my letter from you. _

_ And I'll always write back. _

_ Love, _

_ Just a Toronto girl. _

XXXXXXXX

_Dear Toronto girl, _

_ This thing you propose sounds like the stuff of romance novels. _

_ You deserve a fair warning, then. I'm not a guy who is 'just' anything. I wish I could be. But I'm messy; I'm complicated; I'm all wrong, trust me. _

_ You're a kind girl; this I can tell right away. _

_ Just one question. What is your name?_

_ You already know mine's Eli. _

XXXXXXXX

_Dear Eli, _

_ Call me Diana. _

_ What had made you be so hurt? Why do you say those things? I don't believe they're true…not for one second. _

_ Love, _

_ Diana_

XXXXXXXX

_Dear Diana,_

_ What a pretty name. I think it would take me an entire novel to explain why I'm all wrong, that's just something you'll have to trust me on. _

_ But let's do this thing. Let's keep exchanging letters. If hearing everything is what you want, then so be it. There's many things I can't tell you because my work is classified, for my own protection as that of the men I work with, as well as yours. But I can tell you a little bit about the places that I see and a lot about the people that I work with – they are all amazing, that much I guarantee. If we're gonna do this, we should start numbering our letters chances are letters will arrive late and out of order all the time. _

_ Eli_

XXXXXXXX

_Letter #6_

_Dear Eli, _

_ Thanks. I still don't believe this 'all wrong' theory you seemed to have formed, but you're playing the mysterious soldier card, so I'm going to let it fly ;)_

_ One thing about myself…I like reading and writing and journalism. _

_ Love, _

_ Diana_

XXXXXXXXX

And so the letters came, night after night, and mail delivery now meant something to Eli just as it did to all of the other boys. He held them tightly to his chest because from the very first one that he had received…he knew. He knew he was writing to the girl that he loved, and he had signed his very first letter with his name, so Clare obviously knew that it was him that she was writing to, which made her questions and answers especially intriguing to Eli.

But then the letter came in which 'Diana' mentioned her boyfriend, and it was the first night that Eli cried like a child in his entire deployment.

He wasn't crying because of Lorenzo; deep down inside he had known he still existed in Clare's life.

He was crying because he was mad at himself for once again, letting himself be carried away in the happiness that contact with Clare provided him with.

He was crying because he missed his mom and dad, and he wanted someone to write a letter to who loved him. He was crying because he hated himself…because after all this time, he knew that he wanted that person to be Clare.

He grabbed his pen and he wrote. Dave was taking the chopper out tomorrow, Eli remembered, and he could make sure the letter got out fast.

XXXXXXXX

_Letter #19_

_Dear Diana,_

_ You'll hate me when you read this. _

_ I…know it's you, Clare. I knew from the first letter. You've been typing all of your letters, but…you forget that you have a beautiful and unique writing style that can't be mirrored by anyone else in the world. _

_ And, like the idiot that I am, I let myself get carried away in the happiness that your letters produced, because it's so easy to…smile when around you, even if it's only through the extension of these letters. _

_ But it's a dangerous thing for me to do, Clare, and I have a job to do here. _

_ I think that it's best that we stop this now, because…this is time that you should be spending with your boyfriend, not writing to me. Take it from a fool who know; the promise of tomorrow just isn't there. One day, you wake up, and everything could be gone. And you'll regret not spending every second with the one you love – telling them how much they mean to you, how all you want to do is be their rock, and holding, and hugging and kissing them. From one day to the next kisses can turn to stone silences, and unless you work at it every day, it can happen quickly. Don't let it happen, because I've seen how he puts a smile on your face that I never seemed quite able to put on there for too long. _

_What would he say if he found these letters? I can't, Clare. I can't get in the way of what you have, because you love what you have. _

_ Don't send a reply. I won't be at base anyway. There's no way of reaching me from now on, so it's time for me to stop pretending and snap back to my reality. _

_ One more thing. _

_ Thank you. _

_ These letters got me though a very rough period out here. _

_ I hope you're getting excited for the start of your school year. Rock the socks off all of your classes - I'm sure you will, because you are completely brilliant and you feel literature with your entire heart, and that always comes across in your writing. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. You're best writer that I know. _

_ And another thing. I hope he's treating you like you're the only girl in the world. I hope he makes you happier than you've ever been, because there's nothing you deserve more than happiness. And don't worry about me. I'm great; I'm going on a cool mission soon that I've been waiting for forever. You do the number one thing that all of us here want everyone back home to do. _

_ You live your life to the fullest._

_ All my love,_

_ Eli. _

XXXXXXXX

"Well, I don't want you to go, you already know that," Helen Edwards told her daughter.

"Mom, I'm going," Clare said into the phone.

Clare was determined to go to the conference in London with Lorenzo in a week's time because she had felt…like they had been drifting apart, and she felt this was her fault; and the guilt added up day after day that she began thinking about the war. It didn't seem right to be so into all of that stuff – going to the Colonel's lecture, when Lorenzo was her boyfriend. She would have to behave better from now on, she resolutely told herself. And the letters…she had just simply been so curious, but then she had been absolutely furious when Eli had sent her that last one – _he had known all along!_

And of course, he then just stopped them, just like that. Well, fine, Clare thought, Eli was right. That should have been time that she should have spent with Lorenzo instead indeed.

"Be careful dear, remember what I told you – don't go to his room at night and give him the wrong idea," Helen said, her heart aching because she felt that she could not…trust her daughter. Not after Clare had lied about Jake for so long, doing things that had reached almost a disastrous level right under her roof.

"I'm not going to sleep with him," Clare angrily muttered, hanging up after a moody goodbye from her mom.

XXXXXXXX

"Dude, Eli, I want you to go – it's our last night before we head out," Daniel said as he punched Eli in the shoulder.

"I already said I'm coming – now why are you so gung-ho on me coming?" Eli asked.

"Because it's a night of live music, be it country music, it's still awesome to have a night off – and Dr. ugh, I mean Col. Stevenson said we can have a beer," Daniel said with a cheer and a high-five headed Eli's way.

"And that's exactly why I'm coming," Eli said with a smirk. "Beer and live music - I honestly couldn't ask for more. Thank God the Americans extended an invitation to us lowly Canadians," Eli joked.

"Canada and the States are buds – especially out here - you know that," Daniel replied with a shrug.

"Says the kid with the double citizenship," Eli said with a wider smirk. "Was it hard to choose which forces to sign up with?" Eli asked.

"No – because my family's always served with the Canadian troops, and because I really need to work with the forces of the country I want to practice law in," Daniel explained.

He then got a distant look on his face as he said, "You know, I always thought I would become a lawyer for the army for the rest of my life – once I graduate from law school".

"And that's changed?" Eli asked curiously.

"Yeah…a bit. I don't want to be a lawyer with the army anymore. I mean, I'd still like to work on legal policy in matters of war, but I'd like to do it from Parliament Hill in Ottawa or the Forces centre in Toronto," Daniel admitted.

"Oh, I know what – or should who," Eli said with a smirk, "inspired this sudden lifestyle change. A certain cinnamon – bunned, cool taste in music girl?" he asked as Daniel punched his shoulder in return.

"I never thought I'd ever want to get married so soon," Daniel continued. "But due to the circumstances, it was the right time, and – I certainly thought I wouldn't want a baby – like, ever. But now I want one – or two – more than ever. I want to buy a house, have a good job, and just…be with her. It's like…scary how much I want to be with her. And it's not just like I feel that I just want her – I _need_ her," Daniel said as Eli kept quiet at Daniel's words.

"Isn't that weird?" Daniel then asked.

"I'm really glad you guys had such an awesome match-maker –" Eli began as he smugly sang his own praises, quickly interrupted by Daniel's laugh.

"No, seriously, though," Daniel said. "I…was kind of a stupid guy – I'd always tell my parents that I don't need a girl or a relationship, but…then I met Imogen and…I don't know, everything just changed. I _need_ her – is that weird?" Daniel said with a frown.

Eli took a second to answer, but as his gaze fell on a British soldier who had befriended him lately – his name was Henry – looking at a picture of a pretty blonde girl, he just replied,

"It's not weird at all. I think…I think it's supposed to feel that way," he said with a sad smirk.

"And…you know, it's probably exacerbated seeing how you know you both want to be together but…right now you just can't. But soon you will – just two more months," Eli said, trying to point out to Daniel that…he didn't have it quite so bad. Sure, he missed Imogen – as he should – but she missed him too.

She missed him too.

XXXXXXXXXXX

Clare was sitting down at Starbucks with a vanilla latte, texting her boyfriend with a frown on her face. Lorenzo had flown to Italy a few days earlier, saying that he wanted to visit his parents. Clare had been a little disappointed when he hadn't even appeared to think of asking her to come with him – being with him in Italy would have been so romantic, she thought with a smile that was quickly wiped off her face when she saw who she had sat next to.

When the blonde, green-eyed woman repositioned the pretty baby girl in her lap and turned around slightly, Clare's eyes locked with her, and Clare got a frustrated look when she saw Eli's aunt approach her. She had done so well at not thinking about him after her little blip there, that she thought that it was a good thing that she was flying to another continent right about now.

"Hi," she heard Eli's aunt say softly as she held Mia tightly.

"Hello," Clare said curtly.

"Clare – listen, I'm sorry for exploding at you like that on the street – it was wrong of me, but I was really upset that day. Had to come into Toronto and fill out Eli's emergency contact forms myself – and I'm not mad because of the fact that he never did them – but as to why he never did them. He has his damn obsession with not 'troubling' anyone and not needing anything – which drives me absolutely insane. It's like he has this…fear of asking for help, of asking someone to be there for him – to the point where the boy flies to war with unfilled emergency contact forms, like, he...Like he has," Linda was explaining, and Clare's face fell when she noticed that she was trying really hard to cry. "Like he has…no one," she finally answered.

"And even as a little boy, my sister always used to tell me that he was always happy to do his own thing. Then, when he got…sick, my sister and her husband, God rest their souls," Linda was saying tearfully, shocking Clare at the mention of God, "…she told me on the phone late one night that she felt really guilty that her and Bullfrog had…neglected Eli so. Sure, he's always been okay on his own, my sister said, but he was after all, just a kid that needed someone to look out for him, especially after Julia," she whispered.

"And now it's my job. But Eli sometimes just makes it so damn hard to do it, he just keeps to himself because he never wants others to worry about him. It's always everyone else before him," Linda explained sadly.

Clare flinched as she came up with a theory instantly as to why…Eli had the tendency to apparently, be self-sufficient and not too attached. She felt a scary coolness take over her entire body when she realized…this is why he had made the perfect recruit.

Of course he was an exceptional writer, and of course he was extremely committed and dedicated to whatever he put his mind to.

But he was also…unattached, she realized as her face shook slightly.

She knew the army looked for that profile, especially to fill special jobs like Eli's.

He was on his own in their eyes.

"So I'm sorry, baby girl," Clare then heard Eli's aunt say, and she jolted at those words…spoken from someone who had the same eyes as Cece's…and who even had such a similar voice.

"It's okay. I…understand," Clare kindly replied.

"Thanks, love. I know now that if my Eli isn't mad at you, I don't have the right to be so either," she then said with a reassuring smile.

Eli's aunt then flashed Clare an even bigger smile and she said,

"Would you like to hold Mia? I need to run to the washroom and…I need someone I can trust to leave her with," she said emphatically, and Clare realized the symbolism of her words.

"I'd love to hold her," Clare said emotionally.

"Well, here you go," Linda said as she passed Clare the little girl who was now a few days away from being a year old. Clare admired the little girl's pretty blonde curls and large green eyes, thinking that Eli had a point about how he would have to keep the teenage punk boys away from his cousin once she got old enough to attract the attention of boys.

Clare then smiled broadly once Mia was comfortably positioned on her hip while Clare also kept a steady arm around the little girl's back, and she bounced the baby gently as she had seen Eli do, but she quickly stopped when Mia whined in protest.

"Uh oh – I'm afraid that's a privilege that's only reserved to Eli – she doesn't even let me do it," Linda said with a giggle. "I'll be right back, just keep her like that, on your hip, you're holding her perfectly," she added as Clare nodded.

"Mama," Mia protested when she saw her mommy take off towards the washroom, and after another urgent "Maaammaa!" Clare began to fear a meltdown in the middle of Starbucks, so she looked around for something to distract Mia with.

The answer came to her when she gasped at seeing what Mia had around her neck.

A copy of Eli's dog tag – Clare recognized it immediately.

"Pretty necklace, so pretty – look, Mia, so pretty," she said as she held the dog tag and jingled it, and Mia's attention was successfully diverted. Clare knew this was her only shot, so she quickly studied the engravings on the metal tag.

_Special Representative Elijah Goldsworthy_

_ 73506822-658_

She quickly pulled out her phone and texted the number to herself.

She barely had time to call the number that the Colonel had given her weeks ago and type in Eli's credentials – a polite, but strict, British Airways flight attendant told her that they would be taking off soon, and cell phones had to be put away.

A robotic voice answered her most urgent question.

_Special Representative Elijah Goldsworthy_

_ 73506822-658_

_ Canadian Armed Forces Land Advanced Warfare_

_ Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth's Sixteenth Royal Regiment_

_ Last check-in 0800hrs GMT_

_ Kandahar, Afghanistan_

She felt her breathing pick up at the confirmation of that city. The Colonel that had given the lecture on campus had joked about how relieved he had been that he hadn't been sent…there.

XXXXXXXXXXXX

"Eli?" Daniel asked as he stood in the doorway of Eli's office.

"Hey, come in," Daniel said as he placed the _Principles and Practices_ folder back onto its shelf in his small office on the Canadian forces base.

"Ready for dinner?" Eli asked with a smirk, as the boys always ate this meal together as they kept pretty similar working hours.

"I was just wondering if you could look at something first," Daniel shyly said. Daniel and timidness was something that was incredibly out of character for him, and Eli was rather surprised.

"Sure, what is it?" he asked, now getting just plain worried.

"I wrote this letter…it's for Imogen, and I just…just for this one, I want to make sure that it's worded nicely and all. Imogen likes your writing, and I was hoping you could help me fine-tune it a bit," Daniel asked.

Eli gave him a confused stare in response – he saw Daniel write to Imogen literally every single night, so what had gotten into him all of a sudden. He decided to use humour to try to iron out the truth.

"Dude – I _so_ do _not _need to read a letter you write to Imogen describing explicitly _just_ what you plan on doing with her when we touch down," he said with a playful grimace.

"Eli," Daniel softly said as he lowered his gaze, and Eli became even worried.

"Daniel, you'd better not be breaking up with her –" Eli whispered in horror.

"What? No!" Daniel replied at once. "I wrote her…you know, one of those, just-in-case letters," he admitted. "If it's the last she reads from me, I want it to…I want it to sound nice. I'm a good writer because my law training has made me one – but I write clearly and to the point, not all poetic like you can. And she likes that," Daniel shrugged.

Eli thought that whatever Daniel had written was exactly what his wife should read – just the way it was, but he didn't want to completely shut down his friend, so he softly said,

"All right. Let me see," and he read Daniel's words with shaking hands.

_Baby, _

_ If you're reading this – well, it looks like I only got a one-way ticket over here. It's funny, because every day when I wake up I feel like I have just kissed your lips. But there's something you should know that I haven't told you enough times. You are the best thing in my life. I never thought I'd be the kind of guy to get married young, or want to start a family. But all I want to do is to have a baby – or more- with you and grow old together. And if I don't get to do that, then there's something I want you to do. _

_ I want you to live. _

_ I want you to love. _

_ I want you to go on and not give up. _

_ I want you to try. _

_ I want you to know that I'm all right. _

_ I want to you to fall in love again. _

_ I want to see you smile again. _

_ I want you to live. _

_ Because you're the one who taught me how to do all of those things; the day I started breathing was the day you took my hand. _

_ I'll always love you. _

Eli looked up at Daniel with shiny, wet eyes.

"There is not one single thing that I can do to this to make it any better – it's perfect, Daniel. Perfect," Eli said emphatically, because he believed that the words that Daniel had written to Imogen were absolutely the correct message.

Eli then continued, "But I want you to promise me something, Daniel," he said strictly.

"If you go off-base – and somehow I don't get asked to come too – page me," Eli said strictly. "Because I'm coming too," he continued.

"Same goes for you," Daniel replied, just as strictly.

"Deal," Eli replied with a smirk. "Are you…scared, Daniel?' Eli then softly asked.

"I'm here because I want to be," Daniel replied at once. "Know why?" he then added with a smile.

"Why?" Eli asked, because he felt that Daniel didn't mean his family's long-standing military tradition or the fact that he wanted to be a military lawyer.

"Because…I realized as soon as I understood just how much Imogen meant to me, that, if I ever do get to have those kids with her…that I'm here so they won't have to be," Daniel said with a deep exhale.

"You'll get to have them," Eli asserted quickly. "And you'd better tell them about the coolest guy around who made sure their parents met each other, and had to listen to his dad's whines and over-sharing of…future plans," Eli said with a smirk.

"Let's hope so," Daniel replied with a smile.

XXXXXXXXXXXX

"That was fun. Thanks for having us," Eli and Daniel said to their American friend Tex.

"Anytime, man. Have a good ride back to your base," Tex replied.

Eli and Daniel had been invited – as all other Canadian soldiers who were on base for the night – to join the American troops as Tim McGraw and Faith Hill visited for a concert – they were on a USO tour, and Eli didn't exactly know their music per se, but they had a wicked band including a great guitar player, and there was nothing that he liked more than live music – especially when it came with a beer too, a rare luxury abroad.

He also ended up liking Tim and Faith – especially Faith, as all of the soldiers did. Even despite the fact that she was not in her 20s anymore, she had a radiant beauty, especially when she sang. While her husband had worn an all-black outfit, she had worn a bright red dress. She was breath-taking, and there was something about the two of them together that made them spectacular. It was the way they looked at each other as they sang their duets, and Eli knew it. There were many moments in their songs in which they stared at each other for a long time, and without words, so much was said.

Eli missed that, and he loved seeing it in other people. The last people he had seen it in were Bullfrog and Cece.

When the Canadian boys made it back to their base, they headed right for their rooms, and Eli quickly plopped own on his bed and he hurriedly put the picture of Clare back into his coat pocket when he heard a knock at his door.

"Coming," he said as he rolled off the bed and jumped over his combat kit on his way to the door.

When he opened, he was very surprised to find no one other than Col Stevenson accompanied by the beautiful Faith Hill and her husband – they had changed from the outfits they had performed in; she was now wearing a soft black satin shirt while her husband had opted for a pair of comfy jeans and a grey T-shirt.

But what the hell are they doing at my door, Eli thought in shock, wishing that he kept his room a bit tidier – one of the most beautiful and talented women in the world was looking into it right now.

"This is him," Col Stevenson said. "Eli, Mr. McGraw and his wife asked about you and I told them you'd see them," he added.

"Hi. Pleasure to meet you," Eli said, still confused as he shook both of their hands. "Not to be rude or anything, but…do you want to see me out of all people?" he asked.

Faith then laughed, her entire face lighting up as her voluminous blonde curls shook side to side.

"You're Eli Goldsworthy?" Tim asked, and Eli nodded.

"You made Lady Antebellum's new sound," Faith added as Eli finally clued in.

"Oh, no I didn't – really, I didn't even write those lyrics technically, Arizona's dad – I mean Mr – " he began to explain.

"We knew Arizona – we've worked with her dad since she was a little girl bouncing around the recording studio. One of our girls is her age," Faith told him with a smile.

"Please come in," Eli gestured, rushing to tidy up a bit as he saw Col. Stevenson leave with a wave.

"I'm sorry I don't have a nicer place to invite you to," Eli said, obviously embarrassed. He knew the pretty woman and her husband were used to staying in five star hotels, and his little depressing and messy room surely wasn't their style.

"What are you talking about, silly? This is perfect," Faith kindly replied, and Eli saw the mother in her when she lifted his blanket before she sat down on his bed, not wanting to sit right on top of it. The gesture was a fast one, but it revealed so much about her kind she was, and Eli sat in his office chair as Tim also sat down on his bed. He stared at the two music superstars chilling on his bed and he wanted to pinch himself.

"So, Eli, we were hoping you could write us a song too – we'll make it worth your while," Tim said as Eli heard him begin to strum something on his guitar.

"Sir – please believe me when I say that I'd be honoured – but I…can't. I don't even play an instrument, and I've never written a melody in my life. My dad taught me all about music appreciation – he was a radio jockey, but…I'm not a songwriter. I wrote a story and Arizona's dad read it and used my words, that's all," Eli explained.

"Oh we know," Faith non-chalantly replied. "But it really doesn't matter –we just need a lyricist, we already have a melody – my husband wrote it on the plane ride over here. And we could easily write our own lyrics, but…that song, Eli," she softly continued.

"I haven't heard words that beautiful since the great Loretta Lynn. When Arizona's dad told us that if we were coming over on this tour, we could find you – imagine our surprise. What's a writer doing in the army?" Tim asked Eli, and Eli found that he rather liked his country accent.

"Writing," Eli replied. "And finding a way to pay for college, and to try to forget," he said, because there was something so surreal at having Faith Hill and Tim McGraw across from him, sitting on his bed, in his tiny army room that created a sense of intimacy that allowed Eli to be honest with himself and with others.

He saw that both Tim and Faith nodded in understanding, and then he smirked at both of them, unable to believe that they wanted him to write for them.

"I don't think I can do this," Eli softly whispered. "I…don't know the first thing about starting to write a song," he admitted.

"Well, then," he heard Tim reply as he smiled as his wife, "It's a good thing we have all night".

"Play him the melody, Tim," Faith said to her husband, and Eli loved it right away once he heard it. It was very soft, and played on only one guitar it gave the song such a feeling of intimacy.

Eli then looked at the breath-taking woman in front of him as she smiled and said, "We know that we'd like the title to be 'I Need You'. You see, my husband and I were off on our separate tours this year, and we did the USO tour after because we realized that we don't want to tour separately ever again. To be away from each other for months….we both hated it. We need each other as all people who are in love do. We thought that you…being in the army, could find us the perfect words to express this. Bet you miss your girl," Faith said as she flashed Eli a warm smile.

Eli then slowly reached into this coat pocket and pulled out the photo of Clare.

"Beautiful girl," Faith complimented.

"But she's not mine," Eli said as he looked at the floor.

Faith and Tim then watched him inhale deeply as he said, "I'm going to need help, and it's going to take all night at least. But…a song that says 'I Need You'…I can probably write you something along those lines. But…just so you know, it's not going to be about me and her. That would be a fraud. But…I'm going to try to describe the way you, Sir," he said, gesturing to Tim, "looked at your wife as you sang tonight. And the way she looked back at you," Eli softly finished.

"Let's get to work then," Faith said with a clap of her hands. "So it starts like…play it, Tim," she instructed, and her husband listened.

….

"So that time – the first time I looked at her, drinking that shot of whiskey in the Mexican cantina, that was when I knew that she was the one," Tim said, because the song had progressed into a retelling of their romance as Eli tried to capture the perfect words.

"Okay, we'll use that, that's good," he said as the two musicians saw him scratch something out in his black notebook.

…

"It needs to have something about God too," Faith said as he looked at Eli.

"Umm….that part I'm not sure I can help you with," Eli said with a smirk.

"As my pastor would ask," Tim joked, "You haven't found Jesus yet, boy?"

Eli could tell that he was making a joke, so he replied, "Well, I didn't know he was missing," and Faith laughed loudly in response as her husband chuckled.

"You can do it, Eli, come on, just think about what you've read and stuff, and your Clare has a cross around her neck in that picture – I'm sure you can put something together," Tim said with a smirk in Eli's direction.

…..

"…Holy Ghost," Faith yelled as she high-fived Eli.

"Perfect," El said, "From the top then," he added, and he watched in amazement, feeling like this whole thing was rather surreal – the song was almost complete.

…..

"Like a farmer needs the rain," Eli whispered.

"Great – and my uncle Joe is a farmer, and he always says that," Tim replied.

"Let's use his name then – and your wife can repeat it in her part too – the most beautiful thing about this duet is that you two are in love and married, so let's roll with that," Eli said with a smirk. "Your Uncle Joe is also her Uncle Joe, and your fans will like that," he said as he quickly made another note in his book.

…..

"We need something in the beginning that shows…just how intense 'I Need You' is," Faith sighed.

"What do you mean?" Eli asked nervously.

"It's coming along beautifully, Eli, but…we need to kick the intensity up a notch. Stop holding back. Use language just as powerful as you did for Lady Antebellum," Faith advised.

"Okay," Eli whispered, and when he passed the notebook to the two of them after ten minutes, he saw the way they looked at each other as they read the lines; every emotion and intensity was reflected in their eyes, and Eli knew he had gotten the words right in that moment.

He then leaned back in his chair as Tim and Faith faced each other on his bed, and the soft guitar notes could be heard starting. Eli felt that it was perfect for the two of them, and for their story, and he was rather pleased when Tim and Faith agreed with him that they should record it just like this – just with the sole acoustic guitar, and always perform it facing each other, using only one microphone.

Tim's deep voice made its way through the lyrics that had been assigned to him, and Eli loved the way his wife never took her gaze off of Tim for one second as he sang,

_I wanna drink that shot of whiskey / I wanna smoke that cigarette / I want to smell that sweet addiction on my breath / I want to ride across West Virginia in the back seat of that Cadillac / You know some cowboys like me go out like that _

_ So I need you / Like a needle needs a vein / Like my Uncle Joe in Oaklahoma needs the rain _

_ And I need you / Like a lighthouse on the coast / Like the Father and the Son need the Holy Ghost / I need you…_

It was perfect for his part, and Eli liked his singing, but when Faith began to sing her part, he stared in awe. He could tell that she felt his words so powerfully, and there was something about having this amazing woman sing the words that he had written to the man that she loved that Eli felt was just so…right. She was _so _beautiful, her eyes sparkiling as she sang,

_I wanna get some lost in some corner booth – cantina, Mexico / I wanna dance to the static of an AM radio / I wanna wrap the moon around us / Lay beside you skin on skin / Make love until the sun comes up / Until the sun goes down again, _

_ Because I need you / Like a needle needs a vein / Like my Uncle Joe in Oaklahoma needs the rain _

_ I need you / Like a lighthouse needs the coast / Like the Father and the Son need the Holy Ghost / _

_ I need you – oh, I need you _

The transition was smooth as her husband's voice delivered the last lyrics….

XXXXXXXXXXXX

Jenna Middleton's soft girlish voice was finishing up the song that she wanted to audition with – she was doing a trial run for Alli and for Clare, who happened to be at Alli's house when Jenna had dropped by.

_Because I need you, _

_ Like a needle needs a vein / Like Uncle Joe in Oklahoma needs the rain. _

_ Oh, I need you / Like a lighthouse needs the coast / Like the Father and the Son need the Holy Ghost, _

_ I need you…I need you…_

"So what do you think?" she asked cheerfully after blinking away the wetness that singing the song had caused in her eyes. 

"You're gonna get that record deal," Alli said encouragingly. "But you changed songs so last minute!" Alli squealed.

"I know – I know, but I just heard this song for the first time on the radio yesterday – and God, I love Tim and Faith so much, and hearing it gave me chills. So I learned it – went on the Internet and found the guitar chords for it and the lyrics. You'll never believe who wrote them – it was…Eli, Clare," Jenna said, thinking that Clare and Eli were somewhat friends and that delivering this information would make Clare happy for Eli.

However, the way Clare's body turned frigid once Jenna said that told her she had done something wrong.

"No way," Clare softly said, "Eli wouldn't write 'Like the Father and the Son need the Holy Ghost,' he's not religious. It must have been someone else," she said as she shook her head.

"No, it was him, I'm sure," Jenna replied.

"EW ELI?" Alli shrieked it. "You can't sing it, Jenna, go back to your other one," she said at once.

"Why the hell not?" Jenna asked in complete shock. "I want to win, and then I can…have some money for Ty…so he can have something from me too, even if his adoptive parents are perfect. But he has me too, and I want to win and be able to give him something too…and this song blows all of the other ones out of the water," Jenna said.

"I never realized it before – when you were first singing it – but it's _creepy and messed_ _up_ – of course it's written by Eli," Alli continued.

"What do you mean? How is it messed up?" Jeanna asked, and Clare didn't like how Jenna appeared personally offended, as if she had written the lyrics herself.

"_'Like a _needleneeds_ a vein_?' This urgent, like-_need-you-or-I-might-kill-himself_ theme. The record company people will think you're crazy," Alli said in a dismissive tone.

"It's a song," Jenna said. "There's nothing wrong with 'like a needle needs a vein' – on the contrary, it's perfect. It's not creepy, and Tim McGraw and Faith Hill chose it! They're like, the biggest couple in country, and the record company clearly sold like…a million copies of this song. Country music always talks about powerful feelings," Jenna informed Alli.

"Whatever, I still think you shouldn't do it," Alli replied as Clare kept silent.

"It's _definitely_ the one I'm doing. I can't explain it...you're a woman of science, Alli," Jenna teased. "This is just…how artists write and feel. I think it's beautiful. Clare, you're a writer, you understand," Jenna appealed.

"It might…it might be a little intense," Clare slowly said.

"Of course it is," Alli insisted.

"You guys just don't get it. Good enough for Tim and Faith – good enough for me. There's nothing wrong with saying those words – and…" Jenna said it, and Clare stared at her when she heard her voice breaking.

"And…maybe you guys don't know what it's like to….feel guilty. To…need someone so badly that you feel like they are a part of you, but I do. I gave up my baby – and I understand. And this is the song I want to sing in order to be able to help my baby. To help Ty," Jenna said with tears in her eyes.

"I want to sing Eli's song, the one that Tim and Faith sang. I don't care if you think it's creepy, because it's not. It's beautiful, and I get why Faith and Tim chose it," Jenna said resolutely.

"Stop it!" She then Clare flat-out yell.

"Stop it! You're an artist – so clearly that makes you the expert on Eli? Sing his damn song all you like, but don't try to sit there and talk to me about how you understand him," Clare said in anger, because she hated the feeling that she had while Jenna talked about Eli as if they had some magical connection.

"Wasn't having KC _**– and Jake**_ – enough? It wasn't good enough that you stole _both_ of them from me, now you have to go after Eli too? God, Jenna, leave him alone! You already proved you could get KC, and Jake, like three seconds after we broke up – or was it before? I never did know, and now you want Eli too! Well good luck, because he's in Afghanistan," Clare yelled, leaving Jenna shell-shocked.

"I'm not trying to get anyone – where on Earth did you get that idea? All I said was that the lyrics he wrote were beautiful, while you two kept saying that they were creepy. You don't get it – the song is –"Jenna stood up for herself.

"It's beautiful," Clare softly said, "but it's _got nothing to do with you_," Clare said.

"Of course not. It's about Tim and Faith - the clues are embedded in the song. The name of Tim McGraw's uncle is Joe, and they met in Mexico, and Tim always calls himself a 'cowboy', he loves whiskey…it's about the two of them," Jenna spelled it out clearly.

Clare took a few seconds to reply, and Jenna knew why.

When she did speak, Clare said,

"I know it's about the singers. I knew that," she replied.

XXXXXXXX

Clare smiled at the sights all around her as she sat in the backseat of the cab – she was finally in London, she thought with a smile, and she could have her time to reconnect with her boyfriend after her little digression, she told herself.

Sure, he didn't pick her up at the airport, but he said he was busy – and he was one of the leaders at the conference, she thought, so of course he was.

Sure, he didn't find her at dinner as he said he would, but he left a key card for her at the reception desk, and when she went into the room, she smiled when she noticed that it would be the same one that he would be staying in – but it did have two bedrooms.

He was so considerate, she thought to herself.

He was perfect, and he loved her, and he made her feel like Jake had in those early good days. She was so lucky she had him, she reflected as she smiled.

She had been a stupid girl thinking about Eli that much, when she had Lorenzo, who was amazing and who loved her and made her happy, she reflected as she dropped her bags off in the room.

She wouldn't make that mistake again, she resolved. Lorenzo didn't have any secrets lurking in the shadows and things that he was afraid to share with her – she didn't have to constantly work and fight for their relationship. What she had with Eli was never what she had envisioned, but what she had always wanted was exactly the love Lorenzo gave her, she thought with a smile as she cleaned up from the flight in the washroom.

Excitement took over her entire body and all thoughts of Eli were cast away from her mind as if they had never been there when she went downstairs and listened to Lorenzo give his workshop on the article that they had written.

Sure, he didn't mention any of her help and sometimes out right claimed his ideas as her own, but that must have been because he was so smart that he thought of those ideas too, Clare thought with a smile. And they couldn't really go around making too many connections to each other, she knew that – just like he had said.

But he was everything she ever wanted, and he made her so happy and blissfully enjoying her life, she thought as she smiled a beaming smile at her boyfriend as he finished his workshop.

**XXXXXXXXXXX – Two hours later – **

Sure, he didn't have time to see her the rest of the day, but it was because he was busy and they needed to be discreet, Clare reminded herself.

She forgot there were other students besides her and Lorenzo at the conference until she headed into the elevator and was meat by a pair of gorgeous green eyes. The girl's blonde hair was lighter than the last time that Clare had seen it, but her outfit was just as stylish as the ones that she had seen the girl wear at the Toronto conference, and Clare noticed that her shimmery eye shadow and black eyeliner made her eyes stand out even more. She was wearing a pair of skinny, navy jeans and a military-style coat, a red beret and a poppy – it was Remembrance Day Sunday in England tomorrow, Dr. Gilbert had reminded them all, and a gorgeous pashmina with beautiful fall colours that Clare had never seen in one of those scarfs, which made her think that Arizona had gotten this one as a one-of-a-kind shopping item.

"Hi, Clare," Arizona said with a kind smile.

"Hi," Clare replied a little uncomfortably.

She saw Arizona text an 'I miss you too. Love you,' and Clare didn't care if she was being rude, but she stared at the name of that text message receiver intently, not liking the way she felt…relieved when she saw that Arizona's 'love you' was for someone named Kenny, and not Eli.

"How are you?" Clare awkwardly asked Arizona, because all of sudden, after seeing that text to Kenny, Arizona no longer bothered her all that much.

"I'm good, thanks. It's so cold in London," Arizona replied, friendliness in her tone.

"Kind of like Toronto at this time," Clare remarked.

"My point exactly – I'm dying," Arizona giggled, and Clare also laughed.

Clare then burst out, "Do you hear from Eli?" taking Arizona aback.

"Um, not really. They can't really talk that much, and Eli wouldn't call me anyway. We're best friends, sure, but they can't really call anyone but their immediate family. He sent me a postcard from Germany, but that's it," Arizona told Clare, knowing more than your average person about the legalities of war as her mom was a human rights lawyer well versed in the ways of the army.

"He sent you a postcard?" Clare repeated.

"We're best friends, Clare. That's it, and we live at other ends of the country," Arizona logically pointed out.

"You're…best friends?" Clare whispered, more to herself than to Arizona as the elevator dinged and she walked out.

Somehow, the fact that Arizona had, without the slightest hesitation, referred to Eli and her as best friends, bothered Clare more than it would have if Arizona were to have called Eli her boyfriend.

Somehow, the way she had said 'best friends' bothered Clare more than anything regarding Eli ever had.

XXXXXXXXXX

Eli opened the door to the conference room, got debriefed, and headed to his room to grab his combat kit.

Daniel was already waiting for him – Eli noticed that he had all of this combat gear on, so Eli knew he only had a few minutes to do the same.

XXXXXXXXX

Clare opened the door to her hotel room, got showered and changed, and she headed to the balcony.

Lorenzo was already waiting for her there – Clare noticed that he had changed after his workshop, now wearing black slacks and a simple white dress shirt.

She felt his warm arms wrap around her from behind and she squealed as she leaned in for a kiss.

XXXXXXXXX

Eli leaned into the door, being careful to shoot the lock at a straight angle so he and the rest of his unit could get to the people inside. Their mission was to evacuate a hospital that was caught in a cross fire between different rebel forces, and as they were operating under a robust UN mandate, the Canadian troops had the authority to come in and free the civilians.

XXXXXXXXX

Clare leaned into Lorenzo's embrace, being careful not to lean too far over the balcony's edge.

"I feel like I've barely gotten to see you all day, baby," Lorenzo told her as he began rubbing her arms.

"Mmm hmm, I missed you," Clare said with a smile as she felt his hands move to her lower back.

XXXXXXXX

"I missed," Eli heard Daniel shout, so he walked over to where his friend was and helped him knock down the door. They began carrying out the most severely wounded patients under the frantic instructions of nurses speaking in a language that they did not understand.

XXXXXXXXX

"I don't understand how one girl can be so amazing," Lorenzo sweetly said to Clare as she was straddling his lap on the couch in the living room portion of the hotel room. Clare felt his hands massage her thighs, slowly lifting up the edges of her smooth dress, and she did not stop him. She liked the feeling, and she slowly towered him as she gave him many kisses.

"Let's go in the bedroom," Lorenzo whispered to her

He didn't like the flash of redness that came over her face, and he knew he'd have to get her over her hesitation.

"I…maybe I should go -" Clare started to say, but the movement of Lorenzo's hands, unzipping the zipper of her dress made her lose her train of thought.

"Clare…I know you're a virgin," she heard him whisper. "You lied to me, but I forgive you. It's okay, I won't hurt you," he said.

"I love you, bella, so much," he said, and he liked the way Clare smiled at him when she heard that.

"I'm never going to hurt you," he continued, and he smiled when Clare towered over him and began unzipping her white cardigan.

"I'm sorry, I was just – I didn't want you to – "she began explaining, but then faltered.

She felt Lorenzo lift her up and carry her to the bed.

XXXXXXXX

Eli didn't feel the group of insurgents descend upon the hospital.

No one did.

XXXXXXX

Lorenzo's hands were everywhere, and everything was happening faster than Clare wanted it to.

He had just slipped off her bra, and she thought that this was far enough now – she didn't want to have sex with him, and she hadn't seen him reach for a condom and he was only down to his boxers, so it was time to stop now.

She moved his hands from her chest and said, "Okay, okay, wait," breathlessly.

She heard Lorenzo groan in frustration.

"Yellow light?" he said, because he knew Clare would be aggravated.

"You're going too fast," she whispered, feeling way too exposed and drawing up the blanket so she could cover up.

"Sorry, baby, sorry," Lorenzo replied, kissing Clare slowly and sliding the blanket away from her gently, stroking her skin and moving his hands to her panties.

"Just relax," he whispered to her.

"I, wait – " Clare said breathlessly.

"Come on, baby, you're my little rebel child," Lorenzo whispered to her, dealing his last card because he knew what those words would cause Clare to do.

Sure enough, she felt infuriated that he saw her as a little girl, and he caught the flash of determination in her eyes as she said,

"I'm not a child," kissing him deeply after.

He knew he only had one shot, but he also knew that surely it should work.

"Prove it," Lorenzo said to her, widening his eyes.

"Shut the door," Clare said, gesturing to the bedroom door in order to buy herself more time.

"Really?" Lorenzo asked eagerly.

"Shut the door. This is a once in a lifetime moment," she softly said, sliding the only ring she wore on her fingers off and resting it on the nightstand.

When Lorenzo came back, he kissed her for a long time, slowly moving to her neck and chest as he positioned himself over her.

XXXXXXXXX

Eli didn't even see the Taliban attackers until he felt the bullet, sharp and undeniable.

He cried out in pain as his leg immediately gave out.

XXXXXXXXX

He hadn't done anything to her yet, but Clare's heart all of a sudden sank and she gasped as if she had been drowning under water and was only now coming up for breath.

"You okay, baby? I haven't even touched you," Lorenzo said.

"Stop, stop, stop, get off of me," Clare said between pants as she pushed Lorenzo completely off the bed.

Her heart was beating so fast and her legs were shaking like mad.

She didn't know why this was happening, but she had never felt so disconnected from her body in her life.

She thought she was going to do into cardiac arrest any second, so she grabbed her clothes and quickly put them on, tears stinging her eyes.

"I didn't do anything to you," Lorenzo was quick to point out.

"Huh?" Clare asked, not really focusing on him but on this heaviness in her heart, as she gasped breath after breath.

"You're the one who began taking her clothes off – one big tease, getting naked in bed with me just to run off," Lorenzo scoffed.

"What?" Clare asked in horror, never seeing him like this before.

"You don't do that to a guy, you know – get me all excited just to bring me down. It's not some sort of fun chase – there's plenty more you came from," Lorenzo angrily muttered.

"What is that supposed to mean?" Clare asked as she tried to steady her breathing.

"It means that you're a bitch," Lorenzo deadpanned as Clare stared at him in horror, wondering if…

_…this is who he really was._

"You," she whispered, "you…never sent in that article to get republished…I was just a joke, you were never serious about me," she accused Lorenzo.

XXXXXXXXXXX

Lt. Sean's unit had walked into a trap.

There was a reason the Taliban insurgents had chosen the area with a civilian hospital in it; they knew the NATO troops would flock to it foolishly in their 'protect the civilians' mandate.

It really was too easy, their leader thought smugly, and when he saw the particular insignia on Eli's uniform he told his men to make sure not to shoot him to kill; just his leg; they'd need him to talk.

It was enough to knock Eli unconscious, however, and in the chaos of the gunfire, Daniel and Sean didn't even realize that he was gone until they could no longer find his body anywhere.

XXXXXXXXX

"Oh, please, you're just a pissed off bitch," Lorenzo said without the smallest evidence of remorse.

"You…used me. And I almost lost my virginity to you," Clare whispered in horror.

"Wake up little girl – you're still a virgin. So don't you get any ideas of accusing me of sexual harassment at the university," he deadpanned.

"That's exactly what I should do!" Clare shot, and Lorenzo's laughter took her aback.

"Oh, please, who are they gonna believe – I have a prof that I work with closely, you know. He'll stand up for me," Lorenzo said, and Clare's mind instantly flashed back to what Eli had warned her about that awful night when he had run into her at Little Miss Steaks.

"You're just a little undergrad girl mad that I beat you at your own game," Lorenzo accused.

"What?" Clare asked as she was still dominated by the awful heart-sinking feeling that something besides Lorenzo was very, very wrong. Her entire body couldn't stop shaking.

"I know your type," Lorenzo yelled.

"My type?" Clare asked confusedly.

"The seduce-your-TA trick, please – it's the oldest one in the book. You wanted to use me to get ahead, and you're just mad I beat you at your game," Lorenzo replied.

"It wasn't like that," Clare said with tears in her eyes, speaking honestly because the girl truly was not one to do that. "I loved you…and I thought you loved me. You told me so!" she accused.

"And you were dumb enough to fall for it. It's just a word, sweetheart," Lorenzo smugly told her, and Clare felt like she wanted to die, right then and there.

Lorenzo then scoffed, "I could have chosen better, though. I never knew you wouldn't put out – could have fooled me with all those hot make-outs in my office – which, by the way, are no secret to anyone. You think people couldn't tell what you were doing? Everyone knows, Clare…they all know what you're like," he said like the true monster that he was.

"What…?" Clare whispered in horror. That was her biggest nightmare – everyone finding out….

"Get out of my door, bitch – or do you actually think I'm letting you stay here tonight?" Lorenzo asked, and when he began to move in her direction, Clare ran and ran, out of the apartment, through the lobby, and only collapsing when she ran into someone who smelled like roses.

XXXXXXXXX

The conference room was like a tomb.

Col. Stevenson rubbed his eyes as he said, "They've got him. It's got all the signs of a trap that we walked right into," in a low voice.

Sean Cameron slammed his fist on the table, got up, and slammed the door so hard that it literally fell out of its hinges.

Daniel followed right behind, and both boys ran into the weapons arsenal and began pulling the biggest firearms they could find off the shelves.

It took five men to stop them, and it killed Col. Stevenson to do so, because he wanted nothing more than to join Sean and Daniel.

Sean was still struggling to get out of the grip of two men as she shouted, "Let me go! Don't you get it? He's one of my men! I never should have brought him with us! This is all my fault! He's my man, and if it takes looking through every God damn cave, I will find him, and I will kill them! He's my man!" he said as his wet eyes shined.

Daniel was also struggling to get free, his mind tormented by Imogen's soft, 'You two stay together and come home to me safe – both of you together. Like brothers'.

"Boys," Col Stevenson said. "We just got word from the US Navy SEALS. They want to plan a mission – they've volunteered their services. But we need to stay cool, so we can help Eli. So we can do this mission and get him," he instructed.

XXXXXXXX

"Feeling a bit better now?" Clare heard Arizona ask softly as she handed her a hairbrush.

Clare realized that had Arizona not kindly taken her into her room and calmed her down, hugging and holding her, she wouldn't have even had a place to stay for the night – she had trusted everything to a boy who had turned out to be a true monster.

"Thank you," she whispered shakily to Arizona.

"Why are you still shaking?" Arizona asked with a frown as she studied Clare.

"I don't know…I don't know, I just…I have this awful feeling that something is wrong," Clare said as her blue eyes were wide with fear and unrest.

"Listen to me – you're safe here. You're okay, and we have you on a flight home tomorrow before everyone else so you don't have to see him. And I'm coming with you so you're not on your own – I finished presenting my paper, and I'm freezing to death here in London. I'll fly to Toronto with you and then I'll hop onto a flight from Vancouver – there's one every hour," Arizona said, in a warm and comforting voice as she got into bed on the other side of Clare.

"I just…I can't stop shaking," Clare said, wondering what on Earth was happening to her.

"It'll be okay, Clare. You'll be all right," Arizona said to her.

"Why…are you being so nice to me? You must hate me," Clare whispered in fear.

"Oh, Clare, I don't hate anyone – well, maybe two people only, but they're not important. Eli's my friend, and he cares about you a lot. Which by extension, means that I care about you a lot. I'm not going to leave you all alone when you've had this horrible thing happen with a jerk because Eli wouldn't. It's just the way it is," Arizona plainly said.

Clare sobbed wildly all over again, feeling her heart's every irregular beat.

XXXXXXXXX

Eli woke with a jolt, and his first soldier's instinct was to reach for his gun.

It was only then that he realized that his hands were tied to a chair.

His heart sank when he realized what had happened.

He knew dying was a possibility when he enlisted in the forces.

And he accepted it.

But he understood now why they hadn't killed him.

They came into the freezing, dripping wet room, wearing beige clothes and scarves around their heads.

"Canadian," Eli heard the tallest of them say in disgust, his dark brown eyes the scariest that Eli had ever seen.

"Not as good as an American, but you'll do," he said smugly. His English was remarkably good, Eli noticed.

"Screw you," Eli shot back just as smugly, which earned him a rapid hit across his face with his own weapon, which was now seized by his captors.

"You're gonna be sorry you did this once the entire Canadian forces storms down on your sorry ass," he continued, taking a perverse pleasure in making the man in front of him mad.

That second comment earned him a kick, making the chair that he was tied to fall to the side. It was only then that Eli felt the searing pain in his leg and remembered the gun shot. He cried out in pen.

"Listen up, soldier boy. This goes one of two ways. You're one of them special ones – " the man said, getting close to Eli and ripping off his "Lady of Justice" patch, as well as the one that said, "Veritas".

"You will tell us where your imperialist countries are gonna build their mission headquarters – all those regional ones," the man shouted.

Eli only laughed in response saying, "I don't know where that is".

"Liar," the man shot back.

"Even if I did – I wouldn't tell you –ever," Eli continued, liking that he was making the man angry.

"Option two," the man continued as he ripped Eli's jacket off of him.

He stopped when he heard Eli laugh.

"I feel sorry for you, you know," Eli smugly said.

"Why's that? Because I don't have your amazing 'freedom'?" he asked sarcastically.

"No, dumbass – because you picked the one guy who isn't afraid of dying. Kill me all you want," Eli said.

"Kill you?" it was now the dark-haired man's turn to laugh.

"You Canadians really are naïve – I have no intention of killing you – plenty of things I can do to you first," he replied.

He assured Eli that he was just getting started that night, as first came the beatings, and then the waterboarding. He also knew that he had been injected with a dose of heroin at some point…he read about that…how they got you addicted to drugs so that you'd be at their mercy.

But he said nothing.

For the majority of that night, Eli was sure that he was dead.

He felt his body collide with a cold metal wall as he heard, "Let's see how well you can write with no fingers," and he knew that meant they were done for the night.

He didn't know what was worse; knowing that he was impossible to be found – he didn't even know where he was and Fiona's satellite watch – they had taken that from him, of course, and smashed it to bits. They had also stolen his dog tags, he noticed, but nothing was as awful as when they returned into the room.

The man who seemed to be the only one who spoke English looked extremely happy, and Eli hated that.

He watched as he reached into the front pocket of the jacket that they had stolen from him, and it was only when the man smugly stared at the picture of Clare that Eli felt a tear running down his cheek. He knew that she was miles away, safe in Canada, but…his gaze on her picture absolutely infuriated Eli, and his mind began to imagine things that completely broke him.

He knew they placed the picture out of his reach, turned on its white side to torture him.

He knew they knew he would want to turn it over, and that he couldn't, because he couldn't free himself from the chair.

It was the worst kind of torture he had ever known.

Even if he'd lose his fingers tomorrow, he thought, maybe they would let him have the picture.

But he couldn't tell them the locations of the areas that the mission HQs were going to be built, he told himself. They would hurt his friends so quickly – kill hundreds of them, Eli knew.

He wouldn't tell them, that much he was sure of.

XXXXXXXXXXX

Linda led her now one and two months old daughter into the house, noticing that she had a message on her answering machine, but thinking that she would listen to it after she settled her little girl.

She put Mia down in front of the TV just in time for The Wiggles, the little girl's favourite show on the CBC. She then headed into the kitchen and began preparing dinner so that it would be ready by the time her husband got home.

She was cutting up cucumbers and tomatoes when she heard a loud, "Mama," coming from the living room, and a series of running footsteps just a few seconds later.

"Mama…Eli!" Mia said, uttering that name for the first time and shocking her mommy.

"Yes, baby girl, Eli, good job," Linda praised her daughter, thinking that cognitive learning in babies really was the most amazing – and so incredibly random – thing.

But then she saw her little girl's outstretched arm as Mia said again, "Mama…Eli…Eli," and as her gaze was redirected toward the television, she felt her heart sink. It was Eli's picture from the forces…the same one that Mia was used to seeing every night…that was why she had…but how…

She had never checked that phone message! Could it have been….

_…and some sad news coming out of Afghanistan tonight. Special Representative to the UN mission in Afghanistan, twenty-one year old Eli Goldsworthy from Toronto is the latest to join the list of Canadian casualties. Declared missing in action for two days now, it is believed the young man is no longer alive. _

With shaking hands, Linda picked up her baby and hugged her tightly as she played the phone message from Col. Stevenson.

When she began to sob wildly, it was only doubled by Mia's piercing cry.

XXXXXXXXXXX

Helen Edwards stared at Jake as both of them watched the news shell-shocked.

"Oh my God," she breathed as Jake hung his head sadly.

"She's flying on British Airways, I don't think this news would be reported over there. I'm going to the airport to meet her, I'm leaving right now," Jake said right away.

"I'm coming with you," Helen declared at once.

XXXXXXXXXXX

Clare was just about to hop on board BA flight 1659 to Toronto when she saw a young man in a British Air Force uniform.

She approached him with tears in her eyes as she asked, "Excuse me, Sir, I'm Canadian and…well, are you a pilot?"

"Yes, Ma'am, headed out on a commercial flight so I can pick up my plane in Morocco and fly it to Afghanistan," the man responded politely.

"Will you see Canadians there? Or on the way?" she asked.

"Of course," the young man replied.

"If I give you a letter – can you…can you get it to someone in the Canadian Forces to give to…to give to someone?" she asked.

"Um, hurry up bonny lass, I can tell it's important, but I've only got ten minutes," the young man permitted her, because his heart was breaking at the sight of her obvious distress.

"Thank you! Thank you! Thank you – it's really important," Clare said as he rewarded him with a warm hug.

She quickly wrote the only things that she wanted to say to Eli.

_Dear Eli, _

_ It's me, Clare. I hope this letter finds you, and find you quickly. _

_ I've realized something that would take me a novel to explain. Because people say things they don't mean all the time, and I have so much to say to you that I do mean, you know. _

_ But I don't have time, so I'm going to put it as plainly as I can. _

_ I want to ask something of you, and I know I have no right. _

_ But I hope that you will hear me out. _

_Since you've left, time has been measured out in bitter chapters. I can't take it anymore; each day…learning who's fallen. Who won't return. This war, Eli…it's being lost on the battlefield and it's being lost twice over by those who stay behind. _

_ I find myself at the end of my wits, now, Eli. So I'm going to selfishly ask something of the only boy who has ever loved me. You. _

_ This letter is my last thread of courage. I don't know when your tour is over, or where you are right now. _

_ So now I say to you, plain as I can:_

_ If you are writing, stop writing. _

_ If you are fighting, stop fighting. _

_ If you are marching, stop marching. _

_ Come back to me. _

_ Come back to me is my request. _

Tears were stinging Clare's eyes as she put Eli's name and identification number on the folded letter and firmly put it in the British Air Force's pilot hands.

"Promise me you'll take care of it – promise me it'll get to him! Promise me you'll get this to…to my Eli," she begged.

"I'll do my best, miss," the pilot promised her.

XXXXXXXXXX

Eli woke up and felt his entire body sharply stinging.

He was glad they at least did it, already, he thought, not wanting to move his hands.

He rolled over to the side and opened his eyes only to widen them at once.

He didn't remember a window. Or…all of these little, medicinal looking bottles lining all the walls.

He shot up at once.

"Sit down, boy," he heard a stern voice tell him, and he turned to see an elderly lady with white hair in a neat bun shoot him a feisty look.

"Where am I?" he asked groggily.

"You safe now," he heard the woman reply. She had a thick accent, but…she spoke English?

"What country?" Eli asked as he felt pain coarse through his leg. He looked at his hands, and…he breathed easily. They hadn't gotten to him in time. He saw that he was wearing white clothes – a man's – and that his leg was neatly bandaged. He was exuding a powerful, medicinal plant smell, and he caught onto the fact that all of the cuts that he had received from the beatings and all of his open wounds had been…tended.

"Oh, not far, boy. Still Afghanistan, sorry," the old lady replied as she forcefully made him lie down on the small cot.

"Explain," Eli whispered, too weak to say more.

"You in trouble. I helped you," the old lady said with a shrug.

"How on Earth did you get me out of there? No offense," Eli asked, and the old lady pointed to a cart, Eli saw. She had…wheeled him out?

"Tell me everything," he pleaded, and he heard the old lady sigh.

"This war is stupid. So stupid," she said.

"Those boys that got you," she began, shaking her head, "They was bad. Very bad. They do very bad things – get you to talk. If they keep you alive, means they want something from you. No, thank you. Not under my watch," she said, and Eli smirked at her fiery anger.

"But…they had guns," Eli pointed out.

"They was stupid, you know. Always. Leave you alone at night, they go home. They did bad things to my son, you know. Those same boys. Make him lose his mind – he was suicide bomber, lose his life for their stupid anger. No more boys die because of them, I say. I go get you. I was a nurse, back in England," she said.

"You…were in England?" Eli asked in confusion.

"Yes, with my boy. Then he lost his mind, did very bad thing. Killed many people. I didn't realize early enough, and after it happened, I left England, had to come home. Husband dead long time ago. My daughter stay in England, saving money so I can return. I make no money here, and I hate that she's spending her money saving for me. But these bad boys – no more bad things from them. Enough now. You just another boy. I know the things they do – very bad, very much pain. Had to get you out of there fast," she explained.

"Sit down, boy, or I have to smack you to listen?" she asked impatiently as Eli rose quickly and almost falling due to the imbalance of his bad leg and extremely heavy-feeling head.

"I can't stay here – "he said determinately. "If they find me here, it will be so bad for you," he whispered in horror. "They'll –" Eli started, but he was cut off.

"Do what? Cut short my young life?" the old lady asked, and Eli narrowed his eyes at her and smirked when he caught onto her sense of humour.

"Doesn't matter, it's too dangerous for you," Eli asserted. "Thank you so much for all of your help, but I'll be on my way, now," he said, but the old lady pushed him back onto the bed. How on earth was she so strong, Eli thought, but he forgot that years of nursing had her in ideal condition to deal with stubborn patients.

"Boy, you forget big thing," she reproached him.

"What?" Eli asked, his voice hoarse due to his extreme exhaustion.

"This not England. This not Canada. People here think women can't do anything. They never suspect me. They think you got away and died in desert, will look for you for ever. Besides, American SEALS already got those murderers, I heard – probably come looking for you. Now I sorry, but I didn't wait. Sure they would do bad things really soon, before Americans came to save you. Couldn't wait," the old lady said with a shrug.

"You stay here and get better. Then we dress you up like my people and walk to German base. Is close. You got black hair – we cover your face and we make it. But that's weeks away, and you must listen and not be bad boy like now. You open your wound all over again," she continued as she shot Eli a strict look.

"I…you are amazing, do you know that?" Eli asked her with a smirk.

"I mother. You young man needs help. They kill my boy, fill his head with nonsense. My boy not bad. Good boy, just a little bit lost. Now you rest. Gotta get you home safe to pretty girl," the old lady said, opening her palm and handing Eli…the photo of Clare.

For the first time in years, Eli burst out in sobs like a child…at the sight of his photo, and realizing that it had not been lost after all.

The old lady let Eli calm down before she asked,

"What your wife name?"

"Clare," Eli said softly, his tiredness not allowing him to correct the old woman.

"Pretty name. Now she crying, I know, they all might think you dead, but…that's why you listen to me, to get strong fast. To get back to pretty girl. We cannot call, too dangerous. I don't have Internet, and we can't tell no one. We keep you hide, you know, so no one see. I'm sorry she has to be sad, but only for little while. Better than you dead. You got baby with her?" she asked.

"No," Eli choked out.

"Well, then, good. When you come back, she be ready to have one I bet," the old lady said with a laugh as she saw Eli begin to drift off into unconsciousness, the medicine she had given him finally taking its toll.

"You be fine soon, Canada. You be fine. Didn't even ask name," she muttered to herself, chuckling as she thought that she must be getting old after all.

XXXXXXXXXX

Clare was sitting on her mom's bed, as she had announced that she had something that she wanted to say to her. Helen had assumed she had heard about Eli, so she asked Jake and Glen to go out and do some shopping so she could have some privacy with her daughter.

But as Clare was happily saying, "…and I don't even care about Lorenzo, mom, although it sucks that I lost my purity ring because I left it on the nightstand," telling her mother everything, "but….all I care about is counting down the days. Two weeks for a letter to get back to me, I think, if that British pilot finds a Canadian one quickly, it'll be even less," Helen realized that she knew nothing.

It made it even more tragic to Helen that her daughter had only just now come to her senses, just when…

"Clare, sweetheart, Eli's…on the news, it said that Eli…" Helen began as Clare's eyes widened.

"No…no…you're wrong," Clare said as she felt that same overwhelming heart-sinking feeling that she had in London that night return to her body.

"They were attacked when trying to get some civilians from a hospital," Helen was saying, and she groaned when she was interrupted by the sound of the doorbell.

Clare and Helen opened the door to find Col. Stevenson and…Daniel on the other side, their faces as dark as Clare had ever seen them.

"Miss Edwards?" Col. Stevenson asked.

"What do you want? You took him away with you and….are you happy now? Are you happy?" Clare shrieked as she collapsed into her mom's embrace.

Col. Stevenson then addressed Clare's mom and said, "I'm so sorry ma'am – Eli was like a son to me, you know that. I'm not resting until I find his body and bring it home for a proper burial," he said emphatically, and Clare's entire chest heaved at the word 'burial'.

"Clare, you need to take this," Daniel said curtly, never having been properly introduced to Clare. He held out an envelope to her.

"A letter?" Clare said with desperation in her voice.

"Not exactly," Daniel said, and Clare noticed how he seemed to be so disconnected from his body…moving like someone who didn't want to live.

"It's…Eli's loved ones fund. He never filled out his own forms – took care of everyone but himself as always," Daniel said as his voice broke, "but…it should go to you," he replied.

"Why me?" Clare asked. "I…it's wrong….me…." she said as her curls mixed with her tears in her mom's embrace.

"Because – it's the custom – when a soldier doesn't do that paperwork and we don't know, it is divided among the people whose photo he carries. I know for a fact that Eli carried his parents' – obviously not an option, his cousin's – and I already gave the little girl's mom the cheque – and…he carried yours, Clare. He didn't want anyone to know, but I did. I did and Lt. Sean did. Eli carried your photo, so his fund goes to you. Insurance, a lot of his wages – we don't spend anything on base – and…all the proceeds that Tim McGraw and Faith Hill wired him from that song. Clare," Daniel softly said as he saw her stare in shock at the information he was sharing with her,

"Eli…carried your picture with him, and it made him stronger. Those pictures…they're all that keep us going. This money is the last thing anyone wants to see after a loved one dies, I know – but…Eli told me something one day, you know – too many beers in Qatar when we were given leave. He said…you have big dreams, something about hearing about them on a hearse?" Daniel said as he smiled through his teary eyes, and Clare's memory was jogged to the happy days of urban adventures.

"And…he said that he'd put you and his cousin as his recipients – so, you see…the pictures…they always work. He said he wanted you to take that funds and be able to live out your dream – he listed some possibilities. He said, college, because you were intelligent, or saving it to write a book and travel for your research, or…to have your dream wedding one day, with whoever it may be with…just to see you smile," Daniel finished as he handed Clare's mom the cheque.

When Clare collapsed to the floor, sobbing out of control, Col. Stevenson and Daniel took their leave.

….

**Please let me know your thoughts in a review.**


	13. Angels All Around

XXXXXXXXX

He's frigid now whenever she touches him.

She's glad Col. Stevenson worked it out for them so he didn't have to return after what happened with Eli, but the blank look in his eyes haunts her. She knows Daniel was one they'd fight to have come back - he was in a specialized position, but it doesn't surprise her that Col. Stevenson somehow just made it work with a snap of his fingers. He wasn't just a Colonel; he was a top foreign policy expert – this is what he taught at U of T – and she knew that the government and the army would give him whatever he asked for. She didn't know that he had firmly put his foot down for Daniel to be honorably discharged now – at least for a while – but she suspects it.

It's November 23rd, she notices as she looks at the calendar.

He's still in bed. She knows he is trying – he _is_ trying _so hard_ – but it's bigger than him. It's broken down the strongest boy she has ever known. He seemed…not this bad when he first came home, but she knew that was because he had still had a job to do – get those cheques to Eli's cousin and the one to Clare. But when he came home from Clare's house, she saw it.

She saw it in his eyes, and she had seen that look before…on Eli. Except now she was aware of its fury and its power – and it was threatening to take away the boy she loved and who loved her back.

There are bad days and worse days, she tells herself as she looks around the apartment that he bought when he came home, and she knows he did that because he had promised he'd take care of her. She decorated it cheerfully – she read bright colours help keep optimism – and he praised her over and over again, but she knew that it was because he knew he should, and not because he was actually registering what was going on around him.

Because that – he was definitely not doing, and she knew it.

This is not how she imagined it; him finally coming home.

They were supposed to have their real wedding – not just the signing of the papers at City Hall that they did quickly before he was deployed – and a second honeymoon night, as he joked in all of his letters. He talked of the future – even kids – but now everything feels so different. Those letters – the ones she can't read anymore – feel a million miles away.

She's told him over and over that it wasn't his fault and that there was nothing that he could have done, but she knows by his eyes-closed nod that he's blaming himself, and she wishes she had _never_ said what she did about them looking out for each other 'like brothers'.

Because she hears it every night as he wakes up in a cold sweat, shivering and sobbing uncontrollably.

She's a psychology major – she knows what this is. Anyone would; the four letter word is now well-known, not like it was in the 50s and 60s; they had that 'shell-shock' term after World War I, but now there's better options – there's proper treatment.

Her own professors at U of T are some of the best at it, she tells herself as she cries over the sink.

But she can't do that to him.

She knows why he tries to hide it; not only would they never take him as a military lawyer ever again – that much they both know – but he'd never work as a lawyer again; they had that database thing where they asked about things like this, he softly whispered to her, and she understood the words he didn't say.

He didn't want her to push him to go into a facility or get treatment. She knows being a lawyer is all he wants, and she can't take his dream away from him – and she knows he wants to be able to provide for his family, and he turns away from her when she says that she can make enough for the both of them, so he can do whatever else he wants, or not even work – and he shakes his head, not saying any words and she knows that would kill him. She doesn't ever suggest it again.

She knows that if anyone should know how bad it is not to get treatment, it's her; she had seen it destroy Eli all that time ago. But she fears that if she betrays Daniel and creates something on his record that will leave him unable to work in the profession that is his dream, he'll definitely _die _then – maybe not literally, but definitely figuratively. This way he at least lives; and many times she reassures herself that they don't need anyone else; she can look after him even if she has to watch him 24/7…which she can't.

So she tells him over and over again that it will be fine, and that she loves him, and she stands by him now – and forever.

On the fourth day he's home – when he realizes what's happening to him – she finds him packing his bags when she gets home from class. He says he won't do this to her, and tells her the accounts are all settled with everything he's ever saved so she can be okay for as long as possible – years, he says as he shakes.

It's the only time she lets him see her cry. She gets hysterical when she sees that he's thinking about leaving. She reminds him of what he promised, and they spend the night crying together as she finally convinces him that he'd better not dare leave her, he'd better not go anywhere.

And she makes him promise. Just one thing; it's all she asks, and it's all she needs. He promises with tears in his eyes…that he won't ever take his life. She exhales deeply after she hears him promise, because she tells herself that…they can deal with whatever else comes. Just as long as this never happens, everything else they can deal with.

She tries to get him out of the house; take him to a music show – Eli would suggest this, she thinks with tears in her eyes – but they try once and it doesn't go well. She can tell that he's not having a good time, but that he's pretending for her sake, and his hands are shaking as he opens the door once they get home, and he gasps for breath as he heads directly for the bed. She realizes he must have been counting down until he could be safely in the confines of his home, and that night he says the greatest number of words that he had in a while…tells her that he's afraid to go out because people will _see_ how he is now – his professors, people he used to work with.

They run into Clare Edwards on the street one day and Imogen stands in front of Daniel, afraid that Clare Edwards will ruin everything, because she doesn't understand that Daniel has a valid reason for acting this way and for not wanting anyone to know. She looks him over, and Imogen feels Clare's eyes on Daniel, but she holds his hand tighter and they cross the street, because Clare is the last person Imogen wants to see, and she knows it's the last person Daniel should be around. Imogen knows Eli probably talked about her to Daniel, and that right about now Daniel's guilt is coming at him ten thousand fold. She makes him walk fast and she gasps with relief when they are inside their own home. She doesn't want to leave again either; she gets it now.

So it becomes their private secret, hidden among the four walls of her home, and she knows there's two people that _can_ know; so she calls them.

His parents come down from Ottawa the next weekend, and she is plagued by guilt because she feels relieved. She hates herself for feeling relieved that someone else can look after him for a while, but she's in school for the term – she has classes, assignments, papers to write and tests to take, and when she's not inside the apartment - she's still worried about her might do alone. She shaves him every day - she lies, saying that she does it because she likes to – but she knows he knows that she does it so that she can be the one controlling the blades. She threw out the kitchen knives, and when his mom cooked dinner that first night Imogen knew that she realized why she had done that.

She prayed that his dad could have helped him; his dad had been in the war and he had been on three other separate peacekeeping missions. His mom holds her and tells her that she knows exactly how she feels, and Imogen believes her, but she also knows that Daniel is putting on an act for the entire time that his parents are in town, and sure - he doesn't appear that bad at all. She doesn't know what he does with his dad, the two of them locked up for hours, but she doesn't blame his parents when they leave pretty soon, because she has seen him just as they have, and he looks destroyed, but not like the complete disaster that she knows he really is inside.

She doesn't hold it against him. She knows he only did it because he doesn't want his parents to worry, and she sighs because she knew it couldn't be that easy – his parents coming down and fixing everything.

Adam asks to come and see him – he suspects, Imogen knows – but Daniel shakes in head in horror when she softly suggests it, whispering something about how he can't look Eli's 'real brother' in the eye. Imogen returns Adam's call and lies – amazed at how easy it comes.

She wonders if he can possibly go to school in January as he's supposed to – she doesn't think he can. She doesn't know what will come of them, but what she _does_ know is that there is no way she's abandoning him.

He spends his days staring at the TV – a good day – or lying in bed, not eating unless she makes sure he does – a bad day. She tries everything; but when she skips school to stay with him – one of the first days he's back, he gets mad and says he's not going to do that to her, and she keeps a perfect attendance from that day on. The only thing he really does other than stare at the TV or lie in bed is the calendar – he keeps a detailed calendar of all of _her _assignments and commitments, and he makes sure she schedules library time, and he makes her to go to the movies with Fiona every weekend – and she sobs in the bathroom when she knows that he's gathering all of his strength to make sure that he doesn't affect her schoolwork, and that he knows it's draining to be around him sometimes – hence the mandatory movie hour with Fiona, because he needs something concrete and he doesn't know what else to do. She knows he worries about her, and that he's in there somewhere…struggling to get to the surface. She tells him over and over that she'll never send him away, but she sees the fear in his eyes.

She gets an idea; she shows him the letter that he wrote to her – the one about how if he only got a one –way ticket over to where he had been, he wanted her to live…to love…to go on and not give up, and she tells him this is what Eli would want.

It leads to a breakdown worse than anything she had seen in both Eli and Daniel – ever – so she quickly puts it away and gets him into bed calmly. Like a child.

A few days after, he seems to do a little better and she tries to love him that night; she kisses him sweetly and slowly, and her heart leaps when he responds, wrapping his arms around her waist so gently and tears sting her eyes when she thinks that maybe, just maybe, it will all be all right. But as he lies her down, he's overcome by wild, uncontrollable sobs, and she is more scared then she had ever been. She had never seen Daniel cry – ever – before all of this. She loved his perfect confidence and sense of humour, and both of those things are completely gone.

She watches a show on this and hears other wives saying 'it's not the man I married' and vows never to think that way.

She thinks that's the most ridiculous thing ever – who is he, then?

Of course he's the same person, she wants to yell at the top of her lungs. She knows she isn't perfect, either, and she had actually put Daniel through a lot – but the minute she realized how much he really loved her came on an awful weekend when she did something bad – really bad – and he came to find her. He was scared, she knew – she had been acting erratically, but _he came_ to find her. He didn't leave her alone. He looked her right in the eye as he assertively told her 'I love you and I don't ever want you to describe yourself as 'unstable'' ever again, and he promised they'd work through it together. And they did; she knew Eli helped Daniel understand too, because Eli had come to understand her very well after everything they had been through. So, just like they had worked through her issues, it was now her turn to stand by him, she thought.

There is only one way she would leave him, and she repeats it to herself every morning as she arranges her hair in cinnamon buns. _Over. My. Dead. Body._

She knows that the reason he's so lost is because he feels guilty for what he is doing to her. He's the smartest boy she knows, and in even his stormy cloud, she knows his argumentative and logical mind knows that he's scaring her, and that only makes him hate himself more, but he doesn't know how to break the cycle. She wants to tell him how Eli overcame his demons, but that subject is perfectly taboo – they don't speak his name, but he's always on their mind. She doesn't care how long it takes, or if he never truly returns – she meant her vows with every fibre of her being, and she knows that they can find a way out.

They have to.

One day, they will make it through, she keeps telling herself.

Now she just has to believe it.

XXXXXXXXXX

"Eat now, come on," the old woman sternly told Eli as she busily walked around her small house, crushing plants together and sewing dressings to cover his wounds; she changes them every night.

"I wish I had money to give you," Eli said painfully, because his injuries were extensive and no matter how well-looked after he is, they still hurt.

His voice was hoarse from all the waterboarding, and there were cuts and marks all over his body.

"What I need money for, silly boy? I'm okay. And if caught with foreign money, I good as dead," she chastises him in response.

"Can I know your name?" Eli asks as he closes his eyes.

"Ada," she replies. "How about you, Canada?" she smiles.

"Eli. I'm Eli," he says softly.

"Eli – eat. And drink tea or you lose voice soon. They water board you, I know. You funny boy – gonna be boring for me if you have no voice," Ada joked.

"I'm tired," Eli said sleepily as he stirred in the small cot, burying his head under the blanket because of the cold.

Ada noticed and understood why he did this, but she stubbornly pulled his head out from under the covers.

"Boy, I know you tired, but that because you weak. No way to get stronger if you don't eat. No eat, you kill yourself. And I done too much work with you for you to screw it up. All you gotta do is eat and drink," she pointed out, and she made Eli stand up and eat the goat meat and vegetables – no choice, she told him sternly.

"Thank you, it was delicious," Eli said after he finished, gratefully as he lies back down and counts the little spots on the ceiling.

"Canadian so polite. Always thank you," Ada muttered to herself.

"Ada?" Eli asked.

"Shh. You sleep," she replied as she drew a blanket over him. The cold November of Afghanistan embedded every chamber of the house, and Ada moved Eli's small cot close to the fireplace, because she knew that if he were to catch a fever or a microbial infection again, he'd need medicine she couldn't get without raising dangerous questions and attracting attention to herself.

"I lied to you," Eli said hoarsely.

"You not Canadian? But maple leaf on uniform, and you speak funny Canadian English," she said with a raised eyebrow. "It don't matter where you from. You just a boy. I don't care," she shrugged.

"No, no, I'm Canadian. From Toronto," he specified as he began to feel so much better now that he was moved closer to the fire.

"Then what you lie about?" Ada asked.

"The girl in my photo…Clare. She's not my wife," he whispered, and Ada saw his eyes become a lot shinier as he said that.

"Oh. I just assume. Is ok. But if you love girl, you marry her. You no keep her waiting, not nice," she told Eli sternly.

"I would," Eli responded categorically. "In a heartbeat. But she's not…she doesn't love me. I'm not…I'm not the one she loves," Eli then sighed.

"But she almost kissing you in photo," Ada said as she picked it up and studied it.

"Old picture," Eli replied.

"What happen?" Ada asked as she began to change the dressing on Eli's leg.

She frowned and added, "Boy, you lucky. If bullet hit bone, we in big trouble. Nothing I could do – and take you months to be able to walk – if you ever could walk. But just hit muscle – I fix that," she said with a smile as Eli's eyes rolled back in slight pain as she applied some kind of ointment to his wound.

"Come on. Come on. Out with it. What happen with pretty Clare?" she asked.

Eli wondered how he can possibly explain everything in the limited English that Ada understands. So he puts it as plainly as he can.

"I'm all wrong for her," he whispered painfully. "She just…doesn't love me," he added.

"She has other boy?" Ada asked.

"Yeah," Eli nodded as Ada was now changing the dressings on his chest.

"Other boy better than you? Doubt it. You good boy. I can tell. You go into army – you brave. You make good life for you. You got good morals. So what so wrong with you? You…cheat on pretty Clare?" Ada asked with an unimpressed look.

"No," Eli responds in a flash. "I would never cheat on a girlfriend. Ever. Not my style. If I date someone, it's because I love them. Because they are my best friend. I don't want to hurt them," Eli explained.

"You good boy, see? So what this other boy have that you don't? You smart boy – got special job in army. They torture you, means you got special information. So young too. Boy, how old? Don't even know," Ada asked.

"I'm twenty one," Eli answered as the fire made his entire skin warm and he felt more looked after that he had in a long time…since his mom was alive.

"Oy, oy, oy. So young and you fight. This war so bad. People gotta stop war. Tell now, Eli. What this other boy like?" Ada asked.

"I don't know him well. But…he makes her happy," Eli said as he swallowed deeply.

"Boy, I didn't ask stupid question," Ada laughs, and Eli smirks in return. "Who ask if he make her happy? Girls are stupid; bad boys often 'make them happy' like you say. That don't mean anything. One day make you happy next day not so much. What this boy like? What his job?" Ada asked.

"He teaches English literature," Eli muttered, "at the university. Which I hate, because it's what I like to do too – I'm a writer, you know," Eli confessed.

"I know – special mark on your uniform. But wait, boy. He teach? She date old man?" Ada asked, shaking her head.

"Not that old," Eli replied, but Ada was still shaking her head.

"Don't matter. If he teach and she student, not good. My people always make young girl marry old man – very bad things happen, you know. Some of girls end up dead. Now your Clare in Canada, she safe, different culture, so don't look so panicked, boy," Ada said as she lightly shook Eli.

"But this – what you say about new boy, not good. Old man only date young pretty girl for…one thing. You know what I mean?" Ada asked as Eli blushed a little.

"She's not like that," Eli replied.

"Why you love her so big?" Ada asked.

"Because she's so smart, and so kind. She always tries to do the right thing and…I wanted to write with her, to…live our lives together. You know what I mean?" Eli asked as Ada took a seat beside his cot.

"I know. That is good, boy. So - you have to go get pretty Clare back," Ada said resolutely.

"No. She doesn't want me," Eli said stubbornly, and he was shocked when he felt Ada lightly slap him.

"Stop talking nonsense, boy. She want you. She crying over you now, I bet. You too young to know girls are stupid, and she too young to know that too. Won't work with older boy, he don't love her, he just know she acting stupid and take advantage. Good older boy don't date girl who his student. She not stupid for long time, though. Gotta be reason you like her. Like you say, she smart. But even smart girls stupid sometimes. You see, I'm always right. She made mistake. Is okay. You forgive, and she run and kiss you and all okay," Ada said with perfect confidence, shocking Eli.

She then continued, "You get better now, nice and slow. I take care of you. Then we walk to German base, they take you home to pretty girl. She be ready then, I promise. She be so sorry, I bet. If she not – then she don't deserve nice boy like you. But you give her one more chance – she young. Every young girl get mind robbed by a bad boy sometime. You good boy. If she good girl, she need good boy. You go back to her, and then you marry, and then you make baby. That's how you do things – that order. Got it?" Ada sternly asked Eli, and he felt himself drift off to sleep as he stared into the flames and softly whimpered, "Home," making Ada smile sadly at him.

"You good boy. I glad I found you," she tells him as she pushes his bangs back so he can sleep without being bothered by them.

XXXXXXXXXXX

"Clare, you gotta eat something," Jake told her softly as he brought a bowl of soup to her room.

"Why didn't you say anything?" she screamed at him in response.

"Um, I was driving and I didn't want you to be upset while I was driving," Jake replied sheepishly.

"Not now! Not at the airport! When it was too late! If you love me so much, why didn't you say anything…after we broke up. I could have gotten back together with him," she whined painfully. "It wasn't too late! You knew Eli loved me," she accused Jake.

"Clare, come on," he discreetly said.

"You knew! You knew he loved me…the kind that lasts for ever, not what you say is love," she said, hurting Jake deeply.

"Jesus, stop blaming me! What am I supposed to do after we broke up, push you in the arms of your crazy ex?" Jake replied, now angry.

"He was better," Clare defended Eli.

"Yeah, you know what – I'm not so sure about that. He was bad for you in the first place, and he always would have been bad for you. Eli's not stable enough to be there for a girl," Jake burst out.

"He's not there for a girl? Where were you? Where were you, Jake? Where were you all summer? You don't know what love is," Clare accused him.

"Clare, this is ridiculous. You jumped from me to John to Lorenzo in like…a matter of days. How the hell am I supposed to know you ever would even think about Eli?" Jake asked.

"I know," Clare whispered, "and that's what I hate the most. He…died," she whispered in horror, "and he doesn't know how I feel. He never will. I get it now, you know," she said.

"Get what?" Jake asked.

"Julia. I get why he acted like that now – because he never got closure. I was his first break-up technically; he didn't even know like…how to break-up. But nothing's right. Nothing will _ever_ be right again," Clare said in with a perfectly stoic look that scared Jake to his very core.

"Nothing will ever, ever, ever be right again, because he…died. Thinking that I didn't love him – ever. Do you realize that…he went into the army so he could pay for college? That he went to UBC so I could stay home, when he switched our assignments like that?" she began to say.

"Clare, it's not your fault that some terrorist who wasn't even man enough to fight face to face killed Eli. They were cowards – planting a trap like that and putting sick people in the hospital in the middle. Innocent people. Eli had a job to do, and he did it," Jake pointed out.

"I know that," Clare replied, "Because he wouldn't back down from a chance to stand up for the innocent and the weak. I know him. But it _is_ my fault that he died with a broken heart," she whispered.

"Clare…no. Eli was not the guy for you. Or do you forget all the stuff he did? How can you even imagine being with a guy like that?" Jake asked.

He saw Clare pull out a pair of big black headphones and connect them to her iPod as she stared him right in the eye and said,

"Do you know that he…carried my photo with him? In the war? He had my photo?"

"I don't find that surprising, no, he was so…obsessed with you," Jake replied.

"Yeah, well, considering how you practically dumped me for Jenna, that doesn't look like such a bad thing, right now you know," Clare told Jake as she stared at him and he moved his eyes away, not really proud of himself for the way that entire thing had played out. But he had met Jenna right after the catastrophe of almost getting to sleep with Clare only to be stopped by their extremely furious parents…it had all gotten so messy, and Jenna was simple and bright and fun and he went for it, and he didn't really think that he should be blamed.

"Oh come on. We were unraveling at the seams, I moved on," Jake pointed out.

"You sure did," Clare replied bitterly. "And so did John, and so will Lorenzo any given day," she continued.

"Come on, give me a little more credit than those jerks," Jake replied.

"You…don't get to talk about Eli," Clare then whispered. "Because you don't understand how he was capable of loving. He only loved two girls his whole life – Julia, and I completely understand why now…why he was like that," Clare said as Jake saw her grip the wire of the headphones tightly, "and…me. He loved me until the day he died. He died….with my photo close to his heart," she shakily whispered.

"Tell me something, Jake. When you…took off that summer, did you bring a photo of me?" Clare asked.

"Answer me," she yelled.

"No," Jake deadpanned, "but I wasn't going to war, for God's sake," he pointed out.

"No, you weren't," Clare replied as she left her own room, wanting to get away from Jake now.

XXXXXXXXXXX

"Over my dead body," Adam assertively says to Eli's aunt as he hands over the keys to the apartment that he can't live in anymore. He can't live among the books that Eli had begun to read, but never finished, and have his clothes in the closet among the ones that still have Eli's scent.

"Adam…I…I have to do a funeral, I can't just…have him die like that. Without any one remembering. The man from the army said that empty casket funerals are done a lot," Linda replied with tears in her eyes.

"I don't care if they're done every day," Adam replied. "I don't think he's dead," Adam finally said out loud.

"What?" Eli's aunt asked.

"I don't think he's dead," Adam replied.

"How...What…" Linda trailed off.

"I can't explain in, and no it's not denial. I can just…if he were dead, surely I would…feel something. I…something would feel different in the world for me. But it doesn't – it feels like he's just away and he'll come back in December," Adam pointed out.

"Adam…he's my baby boy…I can't just have the world forget about him. I'm going to be planning it, and it's okay if you don't want to come –" Linda continued, and she stood frozen as Adam threw the mug of Dot coffee at the wall, capturing everyone's attention.

"God damn it, none of you get it! He's not dead! I can just tell! Something's wrong – but he's not dead! "Adam yelled as he stormed out of the Dot, leaving a sobbing Linda behind.

XXXXXXXXXXX

His phone rings, and Adam knows it's probably Linda, and he should apologize, but he lets it ring a few times before he answers it. When he catches a glimpse of the CallerID and it's a number he doesn't recognize, his heart soars for a moment.

"Yes?" he answers in a panic, "Hello?"

It's a girl's voice at the other end and he tries not to sound disappointed.

"Adam? It's…Arizona. From Vancouver. Remember me?" she asks.

"Of course," Adam responds.

"Why didn't you call me? I have to see it in the paper – days after it got reported in Toronto," she chastises him.

"Yeah, well, I haven't really been doing much," Adam answers in frustration, feeling guilty immediately but regretting being so mean to the girl.

She doesn't get mad, however. She forgives right away, because it's what she always does.

"Adam, let me cut to the chase. Something about all of this isn't right," Arizona says.

"Right?" Adam asks hopefully, glad that someone finally seems to understand.

"They never found his dog tags – that's why legally he's missing in action, but…it makes no sense to me. The NAVY SEALS found the guys who took him, but they didn't find him?" Arizona asks.

"I know, right? I don't think he's dead," Adam eagerly says.

"I think he's being tortured by another group – I think he got handed off," Arizona replies, and Adam's chest heaves painfully at the thought of…all the things they could be doing to Eli.

"What do we do?" he asked right away, because Arizona's tone told her she seemed to be forming a plan.

"We use all the resources we've got. My mom is a human rights lawyer, Adam – a good one…one of the best in the country. She's on her way to Ottawa now to talk to the government, and I'm going with her – I'm right on the flight behind her with Kenny," she said.

"Right, right," Adam said, remembering what Eli had told him about Kenny.

"What my mom is going to do in Ottawa…she's gonna find the ambassador to Afghanistan and Pakistan – she says there's a chance Eli's out of Afghanistan, and brought into Pakistan. Then we're going to go to New York so we can talk to someone at the UN – we're gonna need the credibility only the UN can give if we're gonna do this," Arizona says.

"Do what?" Adam asks, afraid he doesn't know enough now.

"We're gonna threaten war unless they give him back," Arizona deadpans.

"Isn't it already war?" Adam asks in confusion.

"Not this peacekeeping mission with robust force. I mean, full out, invasion war. They can't take a Canadian and pretend they don't have him, and the Americans will help, I know they will," Arizona says.

"And tell Clare too. I don't want her to feel left out," Arizona says in a small voice before she hangs up.

XXXXXXXXXXX

"Um, is there a reason why there is a $300 000 cheque _on our fridge_?" Glen asks in confusion.

"Don't touch it," he hears his step-daughter yell and he glances at his wife after he raises his hands in the air.

"It's…money Eli left Clare," Helen whispers to her husband.

"Sweetheart," Helen begins, "the cheque should really go into the bank, it's a huge amount of money to keep lying around," she asks.

Glen adds, "Boy, I never knew the army paid that well," because the amount surprises him.

"It's…money from the song too," Clare whispers.

"What song?" Helen asks in confusion.

"Eli wrote a song for Faith Hill and Tim McGraw – they visited the troops on a tour, and they asked him to write words for their song," she says shakily.

"Your mom's right, Clare. You should deposit the cheque. I'm not saying spend it, but just…for Heaven's sake, it can't just stay on our fridge," Helen pointed out.

"It's _Eli's_ money," Clare whispered in response.

"Money that he left _you_," Glen gently points out. "What would he say if he knew you weren't technically in possession of it yet? It would break his heart," he continued.

"Don't you get it? It's what I do!" Clare screamed hysterically. "I break his heart! Over and over and over again! Until…I kill him once and for all," she added as she ran upstairs and sat on the floor against her bed, frozen.

She heard her mom come in a few minutes after, and she looked up at her with big, blue scared eyes.

"I…he's dead, mommy," Clare painfully whined.

"Oh, sweetheart, I know, I know. I'm sad too," Helen pointed out, because she really was. "It's okay, it's okay. You know what he would want," Helen felt she needed to point out.

"He would want you to be happy, Clare – like he always did. He would want you to live your life to the maximum – that's why he left you all that money, too. He wants you to realize your dreams," she pointed out.

"But…why…why should _I_ get to be happy?" Clare said tearfully.

"Because it's what Eli wants, Clare," Helen said tearfully. "That poor boy had a hard life. Maybe now…now he's finally found peace. Maybe he can finally rest now. Maybe he's with his parents, not alone anymore," she added.

"And with the only girl he thinks has loved him," Clare added.

"Maybe," Helen replied softly. "But something tells me that no matter who he's with, he'll always look down and smile…on _you_," she said with tears in her eyes.

She was worried, because Clare had been going through life frozen ever since she heard about Eli. She only cried once, and ever since then she was like a statue.

XXXXXXXXXXXX

She waits for Adam at the Dot, and he's the first to get there after Eli's aunt. Then she recognizes Arizona as she gets out of a cab, and the woman in the navy elegant suit must be her human-rights-lawyer mother, Clare knows. But there's also a handsome boy with them, who holds Arizona's door open, and takes her hand and doesn't let it go as he pays for everyone's drinks and sits down at the table.

Clare sees Fiona come in next, pulling her mother and father behind her – Fiona's mom is slow because she's walking and texting on her Blackberry and her husband is doing the same, and from the other direction, Clare also sees Declan approach, and she's taken aback when she sees the look of fear on…_Holly J_'s face. Clare never expected her to come, but Declan holds on to her hand just as tightly as Kenny holds on to Arizona's, and when Holly J. announces that she's taking notes of their meeting as she was fresh from class at Yale that morning, Clare is glad that someone composed enough can do that.

Fiona's mom and dad and Arizona's mom sit side by side and they keep pulling out papers from these massive binders with the UN logo all over them, saying things Clare doesn't understand. She tries to pay attention, catching the words, 'torture camps', 'indiscriminate warfare', 'Security Council resolution', 'Canadian citizen', but she doesn't understand what they are saying and it doesn't answer her question of what they achieved.

Fiona's parents and Arizona's mom leave for the airport again, saying they have to be back in New York to address the UN General Assembly and to watch the news tonight.

Clare urges her mom to sit down with her and explain, and she makes Helen send Glen and Jake away for the evening, because she wants peace and quiet, and they have an annoying tendency to talk over her sometimes. So they leave and Clare waits for the news.

It's the second story that comes on, and Clare watches wide-eyed.

_…and to continue on the story of missing Canadian solider, Eli Goldsworthy, talks at the UN that address the Afghanistan and Pakistan government co-operation are underway tonight. It is believed that the young man was captured, but mystery continues as US NAVY SEALS found his dog tags with his captors, but they refuse to tell everyone where the young man might be. It is believed he both escaped and died in the desert, or he was transferred to another torture facility,_

The anchor said, and Clare's entire body shook and she clutched her mom's tightly when she thought of Eli…being tortured. What would they do to him?

_We are joined tonight by top human rights lawyer, Dr. Elle Calloway who is leading the efforts of the Canadian government at the United Nations in New York, along with United States Diplomat Dr. Mike Coyne._

And Clare saw Arizona's mom's green eyes and blonde hair appear on screen and she stood up a little straighter.

_Dr. Calloway, what are the chances Special Representative Goldsworthy might still be alive? He's been missing for…two weeks now,_ the anchor pointed out as Clare watched Arizona's mom nod sadly.

_Well, Anderson, it's hard to know, but…they are not good. The Canadian government is still treating this as a rescue mission, not a recovery one. We are operating on the assumption that he is still alive, but being tortured. We are trying to bring the young man home, _Arizona's mom finished.

_So what seems to be the problem? _The CNN anchor asked.

_As always, co-operation from the Afghanistan and Pakistan governments is…what can best be described as…weak. They are telling us over and over at the UN that they do not have control over the Taliban, but frankly, that is one excuse Canada and the States have heard one too many times,_ Arizona's mom sighed.

_Like with Osama bin Laden, _the anchor pointed out and Arizona's mom nodded.

_So we have given them an ultimatum, and if we hear nothing – no progress on the release of any NATO prisoners from any camp – we will take further action – military action, _Arizona's mom pointed out.

_Just what is it about this young man's case that has captured so much attention do you think? _The anchor asked.

_I think it's the fact that he represents your average soldier, but…there's more to it than that,_ Arizona's mom said as Clare closed her eyes painfully as Eli's military picture came up on screen – and stayed there as Arizona's mom kept speaking.

_He's young – only twenty-one, and he's a student at U of T in a difficult English program. He joined the army as a Special Representative due to his writing abilities, and…he had, or hopefully has, a bright future ahead of him. His parents died when he was young, and he struggled with being bipolar until he managed it so well that he was permitted to join the forces. He represents every young man in the forces who tries so hard every day and works so hard to do the right thing. Everyone wants to see him come home, _Arizona's mom finished.

_And let's hope he does. That's all the time we have for tonight – thank you very much for joining us. Dr. Calloway. _

_ My pleasure. Thank you for having me, Anderson_, Arizona's mom replied as Clare turned the TV off and stood frozen.

XXXXXXXXX

The efforts lead to one good thing; scared of a more aggressive war, the Taliban magically releases all NATO soldiers that their host government 'wasn't aware of' as Fiona's dad says with a roll of his eyes.

But none of them is Eli, and everyone suggests that – there's your final answer.

He's dead, they say over and over again, as Clare beings to lose her touch with reality, and she goes over the same scenario over and over and over again in her mind.

_"What did you do?"_

_ "I crashed Morty," he says, his eyes full of fear and his tone like that of a child who did something bad and was caught. _

_ "But you could have died!" _

_ "It was worth it, though. You came," he says, and…_

_ She makes it clear she can't be with him as his girlfriend…not for a while. _

_ "But you're my best friend," she says, and she kisses him sweetly on his forehead and holds him tightly, crawling up to him in his bed and pushing his hair back and whispering over and over again that it's okay, even if it's definitely not…but the worst hadn't happened yet – and that was all that mattered. _

_ "I love you," she says over and over again as she holds him and runs her hand through his hair and down his arms as he calms down and hides his face in her neck. He falls asleep and she makes a plan with Bullfrog – how to get him the best help, and how to go through everything nice and slow, all of them together. _

_ Because the worst hadn't happened yet._

Adam still won't permit the funeral to happen, so Arizona's mom, who knows the military well, suggests something else. She suggests laying wreaths at the Cenotaph in Toronto, at the tomb of the unknown soldier. Adam approves it, because Eli wouldn't mind the tomb of the unknown solider being well tended, he knows.

They all gather there the next morning, wearing black and small yellow ribbons that mean 'support our troops' on their lapel. Mia cries the entire time – nothing Linda seems to do calms her down, and Clare hears her say 'Eli' as Linda holds his picture, and eventually Mia takes it into her hands and starts chewing on the corner of it for a few seconds before her mommy takes it away from her.

The Torres family is first to arrive after Clare, her mom, Jake, and Glen, and then Mrs. Dawes shows up as well, and she holds Clare tightly, and Clare is surprised to see her favourite teacher's hair so much greyer now. The Coynes then come, and Clare sees Imogen come on her own, and when Linda asks, Clare hears Imogen say that Daniel has a horrible fever today because he has a cold, and he couldn't possibly come. Arizona then approaches, and Clare sees that her mom is with her, as is Kenny, and…two tall figures that she doesn't recognize until they are closer.

They're even more beautiful in person than on TV, she notices, and they explain Arizona's dad told them and they took the first plane out of Nashville because they wanted to be here.

And then…more and more people come; a lot of them in military uniforms, and they explain to Linda that they never knew Eli, but they are military men and women themselves, and they heard on the news about the service at the tomb of the unknown soldier, and they just wanted to come down. She nods tearfully, and soon Clare sees a full military band marching and saluting the tomb. Crowds gather until they fill the area all around the monument, all of them wearing yellow ribbons.

Faith sings O Canada as everyone in the military turns to face the flag and they salute it, and the strength of her voice amazes Clare, as does her beauty.

Clare wishes they'd sing 'I Need You,' but they opt for something else instead.

She sees Faith take a deep breath as she says,

"My husband and I had the pleasure of meeting Eli when we were on our USO tour, and he wrote us the song that perfectly captured our relationship. We wanted to sing a song in his memory today, and we chose that of our dear friend Brad Paisley. When my husband and I sat in Eli's room that night as we wrote our song, my husband playfully asked him if he had found Jesus yet, to which Eli responded, 'I didn't know he was missing,'" she said, and Clare found herself laughing…as did everyone around her, including the Reverend in a military uniform.

"He told us about all the people who he had lost," Faith said emotionally, "Including his first love, his parents, and…in one way, he also lost his heart…and I think a little bit of his trust as well. I don't know what happened to him, but he understood loss and love so powerfully – at such a young age. But he never lost his kindness, and he said that he admired religion because it provided comfort to so many people – he said this was something that he had discovered in his time in the military, meeting the US troops especially. So, even if he might not believe in the literal meaning of our song, this is what my husband and I wish for him….and for you. That…when he gets where he's going, there'll be only happy tears," she finished as Clare saw someone hand her a pretty wooden guitar as her husband took a black one in his hands.

Their voices blended perfectly as they sang, and Clare stood frozen, leaning into her mom and Mrs. Dawes' embraces as the words were imprinted in her mind.

_When I get where I'm going / On the far side of the sky / The first thing that I'm gonna do / Is spread my wings and fly / I'm gonna land beside a lion / And run my fingers through his mane / Or I might find out what it's like to ride a drop of rain / _

_ Yeah when I get where I'm going / There'll be only happy tears / I will share the sins and struggles I have carried all these years / I will love and have no fear / Yeah when I get where I'm going / Don't cry for me down here_

_ I'm going to walk with my mom and dad / And they'll match me step for step / And tell them how I've missed them every minute since they've left / And then I'll hug them tight _

_ Yeah when I get where I'm going / There'll be only happy tears / I will share the sins and struggles I have carried all these years / And I'll leave my heart wide open / I will love and have no fear /Yeah when I get where I'm going / Don't cry for me down here_

_ So much pain and so much darkness / In this world we stumble through / All these questions I can't answer / And so much work do / But when I get where I'm going / And I see my maker's face / I'll stand forever in the light of his Amazing Grace_

_ When I get where I'm going… _

Clare hated that she couldn't seem to cry, but she felt as if she existed outside her own body as she watched everyone else cry, tear up, or out right sob.

The tomb of the unknown soldier was covered in poppies within a matter of minutes.

Clare didn't think that people even knew who she was; she was just a girl, just like the many others who had come without even knowing Eli.

But then she saw the leader of the marching band…salute her.

There was no confusing it; he looked right into her eyes and saluted her.

He then called out something, and the entire band turned in her direction, and also saluted her.

She saw a young boy – the same age as Eli or her – stand out of the line of one of the Toronto-based regiments who had come down in honor of Eli step out of the line-up, walk up to the leader of the marching band and take something from his hands.

She watched, her entire body shaking as the young man was given a 'march' order, and he did so with precision, his white gloves reaching out as his one arm stretched out perfectly with every step, the other neatly tucked at his side.

He marched right at her, and saluted her when he was directly across from her.

Then he handed her a large, folded-up Canadian flag, and Clare held onto all that she had left of Eli, and onto what could have been, she thought as she mouthed 'thank you' to the young man in uniform.

She heard the guns give a 21-gun salute, and each shot felt like a bullet in her heart, flinching at each and every one as everyone stole glances at her and worried for her.

Before she went home, Eli's aunt gave her a hug and handed her Eli's black leather jacket.

XXXXXXXXXXX

"We go tomorrow, boy, you ready," Ada told Eli as she watched him comfortably walk around her house in a test run.

"Really? Thank you, thank, you!" Eli exclaimed joyfully as he picked up Ada and spun her around in excitement.

"Put me down, boy, I old woman," she chastised him as Eli laughed loudly and flashed her a huge smirk.

Ada loved seeing him like this; so strong and healthy – sure he had tons of scars and he didn't walk nowhere near to perfect, but he could make it the three kilometres to the German base. She felt sad at the prospect of him leaving, because she had gotten used to having him around.

It was nice to not only cook for one, she reflected. Ada had a small farm – tiny really, just with a few vegetables, and she raised goats. She had slaughtered the last one as Eli had begun to eat heartily, but she didn't want to worry about what she would do when she had to return all alone – she wanted to enjoy the time she had left with the boy she had nursed back to health and who she saw as practically a son.

"You sit down now, boy," she told him sternly, because she felt she needed to be stern to compensate for the sentimental feelings that had just overcome her.

"Ada," Eli said emotionally as she looked her right in the eye, "Thank you. For saving my life," he continued.

"Stop with the thank you, now, boy, you been saying it for an entire month. You need help, I help. Anyone do the same," she pointed out.

"No," Eli said categorically, "they wouldn't. No one would do the same," he replied.

"You…are special," Eli continued. "Wanna know something?" Eli asked with a smirk.

"What that boy?" Ada replied as she inspected the marks that the heated metal of the terrorists had made on Eli's skin – she had treated them with a plant that was supposed to remove scarring, and it had somewhat worked, she noted.

"Living with you here…for the last month…I haven't felt so looked after, since…" Eli faltered, "Since…my mom died," he finally asked. "My mom…and my dad," he added.

"I sorry you lost your mom. When your mom and dad dead?" Ada asked as she prepared Eli's tea.

"When I was seventeen," Eli answered.

"What? That so early, poor boy. Who look after you? Got grandma?" she asked.

"No, but my aunt. And I had to move to university, she lives in a different town. But I was okay on my own," Eli answered confidently.

"Seventeen too young to be alone, boy. I sorry. Kid should always be able to depend on parent, you know. That's why I so sad. My boy – they rob his mind and make him suicide bomber. He good boy, just got mixed in with bad boys like ones who took you. Killed many people in England. Then I had to leave, by my daughter can still stay there to become doctor, so I happy," Ada replied.

"When did you leave England?" Eli asked, because he wanted to know things…he would need to, if tomorrow was D-Day as he liked to think of it.

"Six year ago, live there one year. My girl gonna be doctor, but expensive. I'm guilty because she trying to save money to get me to come, but also expensive. I okay here, but I miss her. But I okay," Ada said firmly as she handed Eli the cup and made him take the proper medicine along with his tea.

"You like living in England?" Eli asked.

"Of course, boy. I can be nurse there – I old, but I like to work. Here women not allowed to do anything. But in England, like Canada, perfect equality. Women can do whatever they want. I like that. But you rest now, boy. Got big journey tomorrow. When we get there, you know German?" she asked.

"God, no, not a word," Eli answered with a laugh. "But most German troops speak English. I just wish I had my dog tags to show them quickly," Eli said with a frown.

"You listen good, boy. We need to make good plan. People here used to see me on my own. You wear my boy's clothes so look like ordinary person, and you got black hair – is good. But we have to hide your white skin, and those green eyes for sure. I give you scarf to wrap around your head, and we stop to talk to no one. You no speak one word, got it?" Ada asked him strictly, and Eli nodded.

He felt guilty for putting her in danger.

"I wish I had my gun," he sighed.

He felt Ada smack him upside the head playfully, and she said, "What gun, boy? You can't be walking around with no gun. You listen to me. We be okay. I pack your uniform in bag. You can show to German soldier. And you speak English, you tell them," Ada replied.

"What about you? How are you going to get back?" Eli asked with a frown as he got a thoughtful look on his face.

"I okay, boy. I walk these streets all my life. Sleep now, big day tomorrow," she instructed as Eli got into bed obediently, by now having long learned that the path of least resistance was definitely the best direction to take with Ada.

"Thank you," he whispered as she tucked him in, and she didn't chastise him like she usually did. She just smiled his way and said,

"Of course, Canada. Of course. I miss you, you know. You funny boy, and smart. You good boy," she praised him.

XXXXXXXXXX

The next day they wake up early – Ada says it's best to walk early; less people in the streets, but not too early, either, she cautions, or people will get suspicious at seeing them.

Eli laughs and smirks constantly as she helps him wear the strange type of dress that he can't figure out how to wrap on his own, and he admits that he really does look like a local civilian. Ada puts his army uniform in a cloth bag that she tells him to sling around his shoulder.

Her confidence never falters – not as they leave the house, not even when Eli's heart sinks when people address her, one of them being some type of border guard that Eli knows for sure is not a legitimate combatant and the type of people that terrorize civilians as they go about their business. He hears Ada address him in a curt tone, and they are allowed to pass.

He breathes a sigh of relief after that episode, and Ada makes them stop at a marketplace and she buys some fruit with the last of her money, and Eli knows they are supposed to do this because then they look like they a legitimate purpose as they walk.

When he sees the German flag flying high, his eyes tear up – nothing had ever looked so beautiful. They walk right up to the gatehouse, and Eli knows this is a bad move for Ada, but she comes with him stubbornly, saying, "I work too hard to not see finish," and he understands.

The guard looks at him a little strangely, and he removes his headscarf at once and fixes his green eyes on the young German solider and his voice breaks as he says, "I'm a Canadian citizen and soldier. My name is Eli Goldsworthy and I'm with the Canadian Forces; I was captured, but saved by this lady. On behalf of the Canadian government, I ask the government of your country for help," and he sees the German officer say something in German into a walkie talkie as his blue eyes stare at him in shock.

Seconds later, a UN car comes up to the gatehouse, and Eli hears a "Welcome back from hell, soldier. Get in, we'll take you to the Canadian base".

A tear falls from his eyes when he hears the perfect English of what is obviously an American soldier who was working on the German base.

But he doesn't just jump in.

He says, "There's two of us. Two Canadians. We're both going," and it's his turn to be assertive with his glances as he gently directs Ada into the front seat as well. He sees that the guns make her uncomfortable, so he reaches for her hand.

He holds it all the way to the Canadian base, and when he sees the red and white maple leaf flag flying proudly, he bursts out into sobs.

As the car gets closer and closer to the gate, he sees Colonel Stevenson and Lieutenant Sean pacing as they tightly clutch their guns.

When he comes into their field of vision, they both drop their guns and walk towards the approaching car. Eli pretends to not see the tears in their eyes as they both embrace him.

He hears Lieutenant Sean say over and over again, "I knew you were alive. I knew it," and he loves everything about life in that moment.

He walks back to the car, and Ada is more scared than he had ever seen her.

"This mistake, boy, this mistake," she says frantically. "Take me home, I go home now," she insists, but Eli grips her hand and says,

"You were like a mother to me. And a child is someone a parent should be able to depend on. I'm not going to hurt you – no one is here. They'll love you, I promise," he says, but Ada is still shaking her head.

"Ada – you're in my home now. I'm a writer – I can help you….I can help you get to your daughter," Eli says, because he knows there might just be a way.

She stops shaking at the mention of her daughter and looks up at Eli, her eyes full of hope.

"But how?" she asks.

"You were a nurse. You healed me. Now it's my turn. I do what I do. I'll write," Eli explains plainly to her, and he gently leads her into the Canadian forces base.

She smiles as she sees her boy get hugged by soldier after soldier, and when they walk into a big room with fancy equipment that Ada has never seen before, she smiles as they all clap for her boy.

Then he says something in an English that contains too many complicated words for her to understand, but he's gesturing to her – she was sitting next to him as Eli insisted that she eat with him, and she did as he asked.

She smiles shyly as she sees all the Canadian soldiers clap, and then they line up…in front of her, and they shake her hand and say 'Thank you, ma'am,' or 'It's an honour to meet you,' words that she does understand.

"Those Canadian, so polite," she mutters to Eli, and she loves seeing her boy changed into a new Canadian uniform and happy among his own people.

He sets her up with a room in the female quarters, because he correctly assumes she'd be most comfortable there.

After he makes sure she's comfortable and asleep, he walks to Col. Stevenson's office, and he explains the plan he wants to put in motion.

Col. Stevenson tells him it's not done a lot, but Eli insists.

They begin the series of phone calls. First Ottawa, then Scotland Yard, then London.

When Ada wakes up, Eli is waiting outside her room.

"Boy, I go home now," she says with determination.

"Yes, yes you do," Eli replies with a soft smirk, and she sees his green eyes sparkling with humour.

"What you planning, boy?" she asks, because she has gotten to know Eli.

"You are going home to your right home – to your daughter – to England," Eli announces properly.

"I can't. I not have right paperwork," Ada says softly, and then she sees what Eli is hiding in her hands.

It's blue. It's tiny, rectangular, and blue.

It has the Canadian coat of arms on the outside, and Eli opens it proudly to display her photo and information, found in a database through Col. Stevenson's expertise.

"Boy, is that…" she asks breathlessly.

"It sure is," Eli says with a laugh, "It's a Canadian passport. It's yours, Ada. You're Canadian now, just like me. Honorary citizenship for…rescuing me. You know what this means?" he asks.

"It's like…a dream," Ada says in amazement as she touches each page.

"This means you're free to go to England – and stay there as long as you want. A Canadian passport opens the door to the world – and because you have citizenship now, so does your daughter. You can apply for English citizenship, and they'll like that you're Canadian – and they'll see the amazing thing you did on your record. You…can go to your girl, Ada," Eli says with a smirk when he sees Ada's happiness.

He adds, "We called her, and she's waiting," with a huge smirk.

"She waiting…she waiting for me? My girl? But how I get there?" Ada asks, overwhelmed.

Eli replies, "I'm going home, you see – and we're gonna drop you off in England on the way. So the two of us," he continues, gesturing behind them, "gotta get ready to go. We're both going home," he said with a deep exhale.

And then Ada does something Eli has never seen her do.

She cries.

And she gives him a real hug, whispering, "Thank you, my boy".

Eli explains all the rest – about the money she has in the bank account – just $30 000 honorariums from the Canadian forces to get her started, he says, but to Ada, it's more money that she can imagine.

Then she looks at Eli shamefully, and she starts shaking as she says, "No, no, this all wrong. This is not why I did this, boy. Not why I help you. Not for…money," she whispers, ashamed and embarrassed.

"I know that," Eli replies at once, and she looks into his eyes and she's relieved – because it's obvious that she believes him.

"But we all need a little bit of help sometimes. Just like you helped me, and I accepted. Now your turn to accept – from one Canadian to another," he adds with a smirk, and Ada hugs him all over again.

XXXXXXXXXXX

He returns to his old room on the base, and he loves that no one took his things out of it – apparently Lieutenant Sean had told everyone that Eli was not dead, and if they were to touch a single thing in his room, he'd shoot them dead himself.

His hands are shaking now that he has the satellite phone.

He's now thinking about himself – Ada is okay, and now back in his room, he knows who he has to call first. It's been a month since he disappeared, and Eli worries about this person the most.

XXXXXXXXXXX

It's dark as he lies in bed, wishing he could get up.

When the phone rings, he gathers all his energy to answer it, because he knows he has to try for Imogen.

"Hello?" he says groggily, and Eli knows what his means at once.

"Daniel. It's Eli. Damn it dude, I'm alive! I'm okay! I was rescued by this old lady, and I'm fine! Where are you? How are you?" he asks urgently.

"Wow, I really am crazy now," he hears Daniel reply. "Eli…fuck…Eli…I want to make it all end, but I promised her I wouldn't. I'm a failure, Eli, and I'm bringing her down with me. She'd forgive me, right? If I did it, she'd understand," Daniel rambles, and Eli's heart sinks.

Fuck. He was right. But Daniel was way worse than he thought.

"Daniel, it's me. Listen to me – you're not crazy – put Imogen on. For God's sake, put Imogen on, and don't you dare do anything else," Eli pleads.

He hears a soft girlish voice say, "Baby, I'm home," and he breathes in relief when he hears the phone transferred.

Imogen cries the minute she hears his voice. She cries a lot, and she hugs Daniel tightly and kisses him, making Eli groan at the other end of the phone as he hears the sounds.

And just like that, Daniel's eyes become alive, and Eli hears his sobs as well, and he hates himself for causing this.

And then Daniel takes the phone, and asks him so many perfectly logical and impeccably ordered questions as Eli explains everything that Eli realizes at once that the lawyer in Daniel is back.

He hangs up relatively soon, because there are many other people he has to call.

Three thousand miles away, Daniel hangs up the phone and apologizes to his wife profusely.

He kisses her hand as he says, "Imogen…you were right here with me. You…stayed with me," and she immediately replies,

"Of course, baby. Of course," and he kisses her as passionately as that last kiss before he deployed.

He lays her down on the bed and softly caresses her sides as he slides her out of her dress, her giggles and joy filling his ears as he tells her that if they weren't still in school yet,

"…we'd _so_ be making a baby tonight," and she giggles in response as he starts kissing her neck.

She's never ever been this happy before, and they hold and love each other all night. Daniel starts planning for their real wedding the next day, and that night, they practice for their honeymoon night all over again.

XXXXXXXXXXX

She's lying down on the couch, numb, as her mom is running her fingers through her hair and kissing her forehead softly. They had just been to the bank and cashed the cheque, and it had been hard, signing all those inheritance forms.

Then the news comes on, loud and lighting up the entire room.

_…and some great news coming out of Afghanistan tonight. Special Representative Eli Goldsworthy, the young man who the Forces searched for for so long, has been found,_

Clare shoots up, and her eyes well up with tears. Then she hears the next word.

_He has been found…alive. Not just his body. Aided by a civilian, wounded and indeed the victim of torture for extortion of information, he made his way to the German base in Afghanistan and he was transported to the Canadian base this afternoon. We are happy to bring you some happy news tonight – he is expected back on Canadian soil in two days' time. We have a confirmation clip that has been filmed earlier today, _

Clare's heart leapt at the mention of a clip – and there it was, and she burst into wild sobs when she saw him.

Helen watched open-mouthed and understood why Clare was crying for the first time a long time.

It was him! It was Eli! And he was alive and well – in army green this time, as he was obviously fixing an armoured vehicle along with another boy with sandy blonde hair. It was obvious that the video was taken by one of their buddies, because Eli didn't even know the camera was on him and he was playfully saying.

"No, dude, ugh, I mean…Lt. Sean, it's not gonna work over there. It's gotta go on the other side," with a smirk as he held an electric screwdriver in his hand.

"Damn it, Eli," the camera picked up, "Just _a few hours_ – you're back for a few hours and I'm already realizing I didn't miss your smart-ass comments at all," the person who Clare now figured was Lt. Sean said, which earned him a playful shoulder punch from Eli.

Then Clare heard the voice behind the camera say, "Eli, dude, say hi to everyone back home," and when his gaze turned and Clare saw his long black bangs fall over his green eyes, she sobbed so hard that her body shook the entire couch.

"Oh, hey," Eli said at the boy behind the camera, Clare could tell, and then he looked back at the camera and said, "Hi everyone! I love you, Canada – thanks for looking out for me. I'm all right – sorry for the scare. Love you and thank you," he said before the camera got all shaky and the video cut to the newsroom studio.

Clare sunk to the floor and cried and cried, scaring Helen all over again.

"He's all right, love, he's all right – you saw him. Now it's time, Clare. When he comes back. Go to him, love. He's become the kind of boy I always imagined you marrying. He was…all turned around when he was younger, sweetheart. He's all right now, sweetheart. He's more than all right. He's one of a kind. He…he's the kind of boy who will never leave you alone. But you have to go to him, first," Helen said.

"But…understand, sweetheart. That boy's been to hell and back – God knows what they did to him while they had him – and he might be scared, or have a hard time adjusting back. He doesn't have a mom or dad to help him – he's all alone. Only go to him if you want to go down there. It's not fair to go to him and expect him to be okay. He's gonna be…hurt, sweetheart. He might have troubles," Helen tried to explain.

"Only go to him if you…want to stay," she added. "Because…he's down there, Clare. How can he not be after everything he's been through? But I think…I think you're already down there too," Helen continued softly as Clare softly cried.

"He's all right, Clare. He's all right. He's a special boy. The news said he's coming home in two days. You go to him if you want to," Helen said.

Clare whimpered, "He's _very_ special, mom. He's a hero".


	14. Living for the Night

**Hi, **

**I hope you like it. If you don't be easy on me please bc…well just read this, tumblr: westcoasttrees. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi. **

XXXXXXXXXX

Eli packs his bags eagerly, knowing he won't ever return to the little room on the Canadian base in Kandahar; it'll be another boy's home away from home, he reflects with a sad smirk as he decides to leave behind a quick note of encouragement and love, because he knows what it's like to get to the small room and feel alone and scared.

Just in case the boy who follows him also has no one to send a letter to, he tells himself as he writes, and then he takes one last look around the room and exhales deeply.

He's not about to lie to himself – he's glad his service is over. Technically, he'd still owe the army four months – another tour – after the end of the next school year, but Col. Stevenson told Eli that not only was he honorably discharged now – and Eli knows his favourite professor had something to do with that – but that he would also be promoted in rank when he got home as a sort of formality.

He bring up Daniel to Col. Stevenson ever so discreetly, because Eli knows Daniel would have tried to hide what had happened to him because he wants a career in law, and it would be taken away from him if he showed any signs of instability. Col. Stevenson just looks at Eli meaningfully when he asks, and he says that things worked out so that Daniel could go home and be with his wife a little early, as he was a newlywed. Eli smiles a grateful smile to his Colonel, because he knows Col. Stevenson gets whatever he wants because he is so valuable, and Eli loves that he used the newlywed angle to let Daniel catch a bit of a break; after all, it was a major point – Eli knew from all the documents that he read that marriages frequently broke down around issues of deployment.

When he hears Col. Stevenson bring up Imogen, he's more relieved than ever. Because Eli understands better than anyone else that Daniel has the best possible girl in his corner – the girl who loves him and who he loves back. But Eli was also scared as he called Daniel that first night – because if there's one thing he also understands, it's how dangerous not getting treatment can be, and he feared for Imogen…being put in that situation, similar to how he had made Clare feel all those years ago. It's the one thing he hates most; it's harder to think about that than it is to even think about the night that he was captured and tortured. Whenever he does think about it – which is a lot more often than he would admit to anyone – it literally makes his heart race and it makes him gasp for breath in panic. To hurt the one he loves the most…it's his biggest fear.

He meets with the on-campus psychiatrist after his first night's rest, and…it's hard. It's been so long since he had seen a psychiatrist on a consistent basis, and the kind lady that he talked to was very patient and extremely intelligent, Eli could tell right away, but she wasn't his therapist back home, and it wasn't as easy to talk to her.

_Pervasive trust issues. _It's one of the many things the therapist mentions, and it makes Eli frown. He has pervasive trust issues? He's not so sure he agrees, because he would trust his aunt, Adam and Daniel with the world. And Arizona would have to be the newest addition to that list, and Fiona too, of course, Eli reflects. He wonders if the therapist only said that because of his answer in regards to 'have you dated anyone since Clare' and he thinks it's unfair to slap that diagnosis on him just because he hasn't dated.

Eli never thought of himself as a serial dater at any point in his life…and Julia had been his long-time friend. Everything had begun to change, though, on the night of her fifteen birthday, when she came down the stairs in that elegant black dress – her dad was making her go to some fancy hospital fundraiser dinner that she hated – on her birthday, too, and she had asked Eli to go with her. He had accepted non-chalantly, thinking Julia had asked him because she didn't want to be bored the entire night. He had bought her a present – a pretty bracelet Cece had helped her pick out, and it was the way that she had looked at him when he put it on her tiny wrist that made it all…different.

Dancing with her that night felt different, and when he kissed her at the end of the night and she smiled back, he felt like he was on cloud nine. Bullfrog had then sat him down and talked to him about what it meant to have a girlfriend – if he was ready to go for this thing now, Bullfrog had said, he needed to know what it all entailed. He had explained to Eli how this meant that he now had to be an even better friend to Julia – that came first, Bullfrog emphatically told him as Eli stared wide-eyed, because the secret to a good relationship was friendship. Bullfrog had also then told his son that being a boyfriend to Julia would mean being a lot more attentive and never turning away from her if she was upset or if she was unhappy with something that Eli did – because Bullfrog had assured him, there would be many fights, seeing how both of them were so hot-headed at times. Then he had told Eli the last thing he needed to do was to look out for Julia, make sure that he was protecting her as best as he could, because Bullfrog had seen the way Julia's stepmom would talk to her, and the way Julia's dad would always side with his much-too-young trophy wife. Eli thought that he ultimately failed at all three things with a single argument, and he had led the girl to her death, and no amount of therapy would ever change this opinion, he knew.

And then he had met Clare, and he tried to fight it. He hated that he could be so happy when he saw himself as the last person in the world that deserved happiness. He thought five months was not…proper, not respectful. But he had no choice in the library, when he had seen how loyal Clare was and how protective of Adam she had been, despite the fact that she didn't agree with the choices he was making in regard to all that stuff with Fitz. He had no choice in the library, because his heart had completely overtaken his rational mind, and soon, his bipolar mind overtook his rational mind, and he hurt this girl too. Except Clare got away before he could do any more damage, and Eli sometimes even found himself glad. It's what he deserved, he figured, and it broke his heart that Clare didn't love him, but…he understood. He didn't know if life would give him the chance to find a girl who he could love, because being with him was a lot, and he had…he just wasn't in the mood to search, even when life had practically placed Imogen and Arizona right in front of him. Imogen he had been a monster to, he knew, and Arizona…something told Eli that she never would have backed away from him in his more difficult moments – she hadn't seemed phased by his really bad breakdown at that damn conference at all – but she deserved someone who loved her back just as powerfully as she could love, and Eli knew it. Heck, he even found the person that ultimately ended up doing so – Kenny.

But to say he had pervasive trust issues…for Eli, it only made him think…well, did he? Could he ever trust, not a girl – that wasn't an issue – but could he ever trust…himself to love again? The question made his head spin, and he knew this therapist had touched on something he'd eventually have to deal with.

When the army psychiatrist had tried to get him to list to her exactly just what his captors had done to him, he couldn't. She said exactly what he expected her to; what his therapist back home had told him the first time they met. That a very important part of trauma is the ability to talk about it – and Eli knows this, but his life had altered so much over the past month living with Ada in what felt like the end of the world, that he can't possibly go back to that one awful night. Eli doesn't want to even begin to think about what would have happened to him if they had him for longer than that.

He meets Ada for smile with a lunch, and he can see the excitement in her eyes. Eli wishes that the excitement wouldn't ever be brought down by the slight embarrassment she still displays when she's explained how to use her new bank account and a bunch of legal formalities by the army lawyer that Eli knows was Daniel's boss. However, he understands, and he's not too worried because he knew that it had to be done – Eli knew that Ada had risked her life to help him, all without the slightest inhibition, and he also knew that she had slaughtered her last goat in order to keep him well fed and have him build his energy back up. There was no life for her to go back to in her little house, and Eli knew it. She belonged with her daughter, and he was extremely happy that he had gotten her there.

Lt. Sean gives him a genuine hug on the tarmac, and Eli wishes that he would come home now too – but Lt. Sean replies that he has a job to do, and not to worry, because the army is his life and this is where he wants to be. Eli briefly thinks of the pretty blonde girl in the photo that he knows Lt. Sean carries around and all of a sudden he understands. Lt. Sean shakes his hand one last time and Eli guides Ada to the plane, one of the army lawyers and Col. Stevenson also returning to Toronto with them. Eli knows however, that there will be a number of stops – the first being the Arab country of Qatar because the lawyer and Col. Stevenson need to meet with an official there, then a mandatory medical stop in Germany because despite all of Ada's excellent care, the army wants the best technology to double check everything.

After all of that , it would be London next, so Ada can be re-united with her daughter, and from then on, Eli thinks with a smirk, it will be full steam ahead to Canada – getting to the base at Trenton first, and then finally Trenton- Toronto. He feels an excitement take over an entire body just at the simple thought of being able to hear English all around him again and to be home. He knows his aunt will be waiting for him at the airport, but what Eli doesn't know is just how much attention his case has raised back home, and how many Canadians and Americans included a prayer for him before bed every night, and how many of them will be so happy to see him home, strangers already deciding to welcome him home just because they can. Come down to the airport with a flag and a smile, because most of them are in the military and they understand.

XXXXXXXXX

"But…what do I tell him?" Clare whispered to her mom as she was lying down on the couch, her head in Helen's lap, feeling her mom's fingers push her curls back.

"You tell him how you feel," Helen replied with a small smile. "And I think he feels the same way – otherwise he never would have ensured you got to stay home and done all of those nice other things for you, sweetie. He still loves you – always has, offs are," Helen softly told her daughter.

"He comes back tomorrow night," Clare said brightly, and her mom giggled at her daughter's obvious excitement.

"Are you going to Trenton? To meet him? I think that's where they fly into – it's not like they can just hop on a regular plane, you know," Helen pointed out.

"I…I – " Clare faltered.

"I can drive you. It's not that far," Helen volunteered with a smile.

"I just…Adam called me - he's going, but…I said no," Clare admitted.

"Why is that?" Helen asked in confusion, hoping Clare wouldn't hesitate if she really wanted to get back together with Eli because Helen wasn't sure Clare would be getting many more chances unless she really seized them.

"Because…all those people will be there; his aunt, his uncle and the baby probably too, and Adam…and I just…I just sort of, I pictured this moment as a private thing between Eli and I…us talking," Clare replied.

"Oh," Helen said with a smile. "No, yeah, that makes sense," she replied. "Clare…" she then began, but trailed off.

"What is it?" Clare asked, picking up on her mom's hesitation.

"You and I…we need to talk about something," Helen replied.

"About what?" Clare asked, seeing how the past month had involved more effective and meaningful communication with her mom than she had had in a long time.

"About…relationships and….expectations," Helen said, and Clare was glad her position on the couch was hiding her blush.

"Mom…we really do _not_ need to do that," Clare replied, sounding just a little bit mortified.

"Oh, yes we do. Trust me, we do," Helen said strictly, and her tone told Clare that she wasn't going to take no for an answer. "I need you to…tell me what you did with Jake. And John. And Lorenzo," Helen replied.

"Nothing!" Clare protested at once.

"Clare…I walked in on you and Jake in his room in a rather…telling state of undress. Tell me everything, about all of your boyfriends, and don't you date lie to me," Helen strictly told her.

"I…I just thought that Jake loved me. All of me, just the way I was, and I naively thought he'd want to be with me forever. And…you should have seen the way girls looked at him – at school. Girls that…just different girls. When the girl who stole KC away from me starting hanging around him…I just thought that, I just thought, that…Jake loved me, out of all people, and we would be together forever. So I thought he was the one I would want to share my once in a lifetime moment with – and then I thought the same for the other two…but with John…I let him – I let him," Clare faltered, wanting the ground to just swallow her up whole now.

"You let him…touch you? Take off your clothes?" Helen whispered.

Clare simply nodded, and madly added, "Not all of them! We just…got a little carried away, and I- I touched him –" Clare said in a low whisper.

"Okay, that's enough. I thought I could hear this – but I can't," Clare's mom continued. "You had sex with that boy," she deadpanned.

"I didn't – we just, he just, I…" Clare faltered.

"I get it. And Lorenzo? Just what happened that night? No more?" Helen asked, and Clare assured her mom she hadn't lied.

"Jesus, Clare, that's three insanely close calls," Helen sighed. "This is why we need to talk," she said, persistence in her tone.

"Why now?" Clare slyly asked.

"Because I obviously have been a transparent mother and not done my duty," Helen replied at once. "I'm not going to lie to you – I think having sex with any of those boys would have been a mistake, and the thought of you having sex in the future I can barely stand," Helen admitted. "But we haven't talked about two important things in regards to sex," she added.

"What do you mean?" Clare asked.

"Just… you might be getting back into a relationship soon, and it's time we talk," Helen said.

"Mom – I'm not going to jump into bed with Eli the minute he touches down – _if_ he even wants to get back together," Clare replied, a little outraged.

"I never said that – but you just told me you got carried away with really, three boys who obviously made you feel like having sex was a necessity. Like…they'd walk if you didn't please them," Helen strictly said, and Clare found that she couldn't outright deny her mother's words.

"When you…dated Eli, did this…come up?" Helen asked, grimacing at the thought of Clare's tender age all those years ago.

Clare then decided to tell her mom everything about that episode – and Helen had a pensive look on her face at the end of Clare's account.

"Do you think that…had it not been for Eli's issue – you would have gone through with it?" Helen asked.

"No," Clare deadpanned. "Because…Eli could tell. He could tell that it wasn't right and that there was a reason why I was doing that. That's why…we decided to wait. And – "Clare hesitated.

"And what?" Helen asked.

"And…this might sound kind of weird, but, after I took some time to clear my head, I realized that I…wasn't really worried about Eli pressuring me, or…about him walking away just because of…that. It wasn't ever about that with him; it was about…holding hands and going to author readings and…writing…and…being friends. It just – I never felt like I had to prove my love in a physical way – not more than holding hands and kissing anyway," Clare said with a soft smile on her face.

"Well, what a nice boy," Helen praised Eli.

"And…I never worried about him…cheating," Clare whispered. "I….got jealous of Julia, but…I should have understood. It was a big problem for Eli, and I think…I think maybe it had to do with the fact that it had happened so recently, and he hesitated about getting back into a relationship in the first place. But I knew that Eli would never…kiss Alli when we had a fight, or…flirt with Jenna, or dump me in a second for hot college girls, or…use me and toss me to the side the minute he realized I wouldn't sleep with him. There was no worry about his...fidelity," Clare finished.

"That, my dear, is excellent. And…rare, as awful as that sounds," Helen said thoughtfully, and Clare's heart ached all over again at her parents' divorce…and its causes.

"I think I'm only realizing now how rare it was, mom. Only now…do I wish I had seen what I had when it was mine," Clare said painfully.

"Sweetheart…you couldn't have stayed with Eli. No matter how much you wanted to. He was all…turned around, Clare. He just…wasn't well, no matter how much he wanted to change and get better. He needed _his parents_, not you. And they saw that, and they got him to recover. It's too bad they died so soon," Helen sighed.

"I know that," Clare replied at once. "But…I shouldn't have abandoned him as a friend. We were friends before anything else – me and Eli, mom," she added.

"Well, you were busy," Helen gently said.

"Busy with my boyfriends…who always seemed to put less into the relationship than I did," Clare remarked. "Meanwhile Eli…he was always looking out for me, even from afar, mom. Even from afar, even after everything we did – he still –" Clare faltered.

"Loved you," Helen completed. "Don't cry, sweetheart. He's a fine young man these days – he got better, and you should be proud of him for standing on his own two feet. He's come a long way in such a short amount of time. You can get back to what you had, sweetie. You can get back to Eli, and to writing with him and studying together…this is the time to be together, especially with you in the same program at school. I always liked Eli's academic side. And he's a brave young man, doing what he did," Helen continued.

"I know. Mom…do you think he was…tortured?" Clare asked, a tear escaping her eye.

"That lawyer on the TV said he was. This is why you need to only go to him if you want to be with him. Really be with him. It's hard you know – ask your grandma; it's hard when they come back sometimes," Helen advised her daughter.

"Grandpa was sick when he came back from the war?" Clare asked in shock.

"He was…shell-shocked," Helen breathed. "It wasn't very serious, but...to this day he doesn't like to talk about it. Probably why you didn't even know he was in the war until so recently – he really doesn't like to talk about those days – at all," Helen finished.

"I don't want Eli to have been tortured! I can't bear the thought of it," Clare whined painfully.

"Sweetheart, it just means you have to be patient with him, that's all. Try to gage where he's at when you talk to him – see if he's different at all. If he's startled when you touch him, little things like that – don't attack him with a hug, not unless he holds his arms out or something," Helen instructed Clare.

"Okay," Clare said, still tearfully.

"Now that you have gotten us off track – don't think I'm just gonna forget about it. There's two things you need to know about sex," Helen instructed.

"What do you mean?" Clare asked.

"Well, I really believe that you should wait for your wedding night - I can't explain to you why exactly, but…I did, and I can't imagine it any other way," Helen simply put it.

"Did you wait…with Glen?" Clare asked shyly.

"Yes," Helen responded.

"Is that why you got married so fast?" Clare burst out.

"No," Helen replied. "That was because…well to put it plainly, because we're old," Helen said with a laugh. "We don't have time to waste dating – and I've known Glen a long time, sweetheart. We were best friends, and we dated in college, and we already wasted enough time being apart for decades," Helen said, sharing information Clare had never heard before.

"You did? You dated him before, like when you were younger?" she asked with a jolt.

"Yes- for over a year," Helen replied.

"So what happened?" Clare asked curiously.

"Oh, we quarreled one day, and I wouldn't forgive him. I wanted to, but I was stubborn. By the time that I came around, he had already met Jake's mother. I met your father, and we didn't make our way back to each other until a very long time after, as you know. But it felt like…we had never been apart. That's when I knew it wouldn't be a mistake to marry him – and he came down from up north to be with me, I knew. He brought it up one night and I suggested to him that we should – and the next day he took me shopping for a ring, and at dinner, we shared our news with you and Jake," Helen said as Clare nodded.

"So don't make my mistake, Clare – you and Eli have already lost a lot of time. I don't want you to lose him. If he finds another girl – even if she still loves you – he won't break her heart, Clare, even if he'd want to come back to you. Not if he's decided to date her. The fact that he hasn't had a girlfriend since you broke up…it says a lot, sweetie. Probably more than you realize," Helen gently said.

"Like what?" Clare asked thoughtfully.

"Like the fact that he's a serious boy, who thinks before he acts, and that he doesn't just date for sex," Helen deadpanned.

"He doesn't," Clare softly replied, thinking of Jake, John, and Lorenzo.

"Clare…Eli might have a hard time…with trust, you know. He's had a hard life. In one way or another, he's lost the people who have loved him most, you know. Living without a mom and dad from seventeen on, especially when he entered the army…he might have…pervasive trust issues, sweetheart," Helen intelligently pointed out.

Clare hadn't thought about this at all, and it took her aback a little.

"So what can I do…to…to work on those with him?" she whispered.

"Well, if you notice that this is an issue – like, if he's hesitant to get back together because he's afraid it won't work, then you need to understand what he needs, and think about if you can give it to him," Helen said.

"What would he need?" Clare asked in confusion.

"He'd need…unconditional love," Helen softly replied. "He'd need empathy, patience, and…someone to reassure him. Because I think…I think there's a lot of fear in Eli, even if he doesn't show it," she added. "And you need to think about…it you want to provide him with these things," she cautiously said.

'I do, I really do," Clare answered in a heartbeat.

"So you tell him that," Helen said with a laugh. "But for the third time – something I need to tell you about sex," Helen kept pushing.

"What?" Clare asked, starting to get curious now.

"There's two things I want you to know. The first is that sex can take a really bad turn in the simplest way – you can get pregnant. You can get pregnant even if you use a condom, you can get pregnant even if you're on the pill, you can get pregnant even if you do both. This is why I think you're too young to be having it," Helen said.

"I…I know about the risks," Clare choked out.

"Well, good. Because – honestly – that's the hugest implication, you know. A baby would change your life, and you just simply wouldn't be able to do any of the things I know you dream of. And the second thing is that….sex has huge emotional consequences," Helen added.

She then continued, "It's going to completely rattle you if done wrong – and it's not worth it. Even if it's with the right person at the right time – I just don't think it will ever feel as wonderful as…if it's on your wedding night," Helen added, and Clare's face turned as red as a crab.

"But…I think that if you and Eli are able to re-capture your wonderful friendship and work on your relationship…I don't think the emotional consequences would be dire, because I think that he'd look after you in all aspects of a relationship and he wouldn't push you to do things you don't want to – the boy would be way too scared of losing you.

Eli loves you, and he'd never leave you out in the cold, but…there's emotional consequences for him too, you know, and it needs to happen when you're both ready. And I don't know what it's like to be in a relationship and have sex without being married – but I don't think Eli would walk away if there's trouble. But I don't want there to be trouble – and I think…I think you and Eli need to reach some sort of agreement, or discuss this topic before you get back together. So now, you need to tell me if you see yourself having sex with him, because if you do…" Helen said, breathing deeply before she continued, "Then…I will take you to the doctor and…she can tell us about other options, ones that are more reliable than condoms. I would also like you to tell me…when you think it might happen, if you think you're ready for it, just…let me know as we move forward," she deadpanned, and Clare was shocked to hear her mom….suggest that.

It took her a minute to speak.

"Maybe someday," she softly whispered. "I…I don't know where Eli stands on even the thought of getting back together with me, not to mention…that. I think…I think sex is a pretty big deal to him, and…I think you might be right about those pervasive trust issues," Clare sighed.

"Clare…having sex with him wouldn't prove you trust him, or that you're willing to be different to make your relationship work. On the contrary, having sex with him too soon would ruin your relationship beyond repair. If something happened and you two moved to soon, it would affect you, which would in turn make Eli hate himself – and I think that's a _very _dangerous thing for him, with his past. For him to hate himself, to…feel like he has hurt you again. I think…that's the reason why he didn't try to recapture your friendship – just that- more persistently. I think he stayed away because he was hurt, and because you had other boyfriends, and….because he was afraid of causing you more pain, honestly," Helen replied.

"I…understand, mom. I just want a chance to explain myself. He's…he's _my_ Eli, mom," Clare said, putting it as simply as she could.

"Well, good. Now you just go and tell him that," Helen re-assured her daughter with a smile, and she breathed deeply, because the thought of Clare being with Eli made her a lot more at rest than her being with Lorenzo or God-knows who else she would meet. Helen didn't tell Clare this because they had already been through so much tonight, but there were two things that she rather liked about Eli.

The first was his intelligence – Clare's university experience had been ruined by Lorenzo, and Helen believed that an alliance with Eli would help her daughter regain the self-confidence that she no longer had after Lorenzo's manipulation and betrayal – but Helen also liked Eli's protectiveness, or over-protectiveness, as her daughter referred to it. She didn't comment much on this subject, but she liked that when Clare was out with Eli, she could stay at home with her mind at peace that Eli would keep her safe and never let her walk alone or do dangerous things.

When Clare had called her to be picked up _from the hospital_ after that prom night, Helen had not been impressed to hear that Jake had just taken off – when he had been Clare's boyfriend for the entire semester. And when she picked Clare up from the hospital, she noticed that it was Eli who walked her out to the hospital's gate – heading back in after, so obviously wanting to make sure Clare got to her mom safe.

Additionally, to Helen, Eli keeping a look-out when that boy who had brought a knife to the school dance had taken a sudden affinity to her daughter, showing up at her house and making a pass at her…Eli not letting Clare out of his sight at that time, when Helen herself had no idea any of this was happening…that, to her, was not frustrating or crazy.

It was _as it should be_, she whispered to herself.

Just up the stairs, Jake quietly headed back to his room, because he didn't want Helen or Clare to know that he had been listening in on their conversation…because he was shocked at the things Clare's mom was telling her…shocked that Clare was determined to get back with Eli. It…that should never happen, Jake thought, and he thought Helen was very wrong in everything that she had said.

XXXXXXXXXXX

"Orange Julius is very popular in my country," Eli explained to Ada in the food court of the Qatar mall, delighted that he had found such a gem among a whole bunch of restaurants that he didn't know.

"It's very good," Ada replied with a smile at the boy who she had come to think of as hers. Ada had become friendly with the female lawyer who had come to the end of her service tour and was flying back with them as well, and the girls soon headed off to do some shopping in the mall. Ada had told Eli that she wanted to buy one of those pretty pink dresses in the window for her girl, and Eli flashed her a smirk, being so happy to see Ada so excited at the prospect of being reunited with her girl.

Having a three-hour wait until they were headed for reboarding on their way to Germany, Eli decided to just walk around the mall, receiving polite nods from some people as they took in the Canadian maple leaf that was embroidered beside his single line on the patch on his shoulders. He stopped for a long time in an English bookstore, and it only then hit him how long he had been away for…he didn't know any of these books – he heard the new Palahniuk was coming out, and it amazed him to see it in print. He hadn't read a novel in so long – so he bought it right away, grateful once again for Col. Stevenson's expertise in dealing with his rather unique situation. Eli's army account had been drained and distributed among Mia and Clare, essentially – which Eli thought was as it should be, but it did leave him in the awkward position of having no money, and the whole thing did strike him as rather morbid. It also made him wonder how Clare would have reacted, and he kind of feared going home and having to deal with all of that.

Would she be angry? Irritated that he had clung to her so? He suspected it would be mixture of something between those two and sadness, because anyone dying would make Clare sad, he reflected.

Col. Stevenson had somehow replenished Eli's funds, telling him not to worry about it, and Eli knew that Daniel must have explained to Col. Stevenson that Clare and Eli weren't married – heck, they barely talked – and Col. Stevenson must have realized the strangeness of it all. He obviously couldn't replace the biggest portion of the funds Eli had in his account – the proceeds from the Tim and Faith song – but Eli didn't mind; he had never planned for that money, and it had just been a welcome surprise. Seeing how the army had covered his entire tuition and even gave him a textbook allowance – he had no expenses, living on base, letting the wages that he was paid – always more if you were deployed – accumulate until he no longer had to be in a constant panic about money. It was a nice feeling, Eli reflected – to know that his school was taken care of and that he had a substantial amount of money on top of that.

As he was walking around through the mall – thinking it was such an odd thing to walk through a mall but not recognize any of the stores – he made his way into a particular store because a pretty picture of one of the most enchanting women to ever have existed was displayed prominently. Her huge and sparkly blue eyes captivated Eli at once – he knew who she was, Cece had loved her so – but he had never seen a prettier picture of her than the one displayed outside the jewellery store.

She was in a girly pink dress, the bows that tied at the top of her shoulders embracing her tiny frame, wearing a crown that was truly only fit for a princess. It upset Eli that she seemed a bit sad – you could see it in her eyes, he noticed, and he remembered how angry Cece had been at her husband when the details of what he had done to her finally surfaced.

Eli hadn't really paid attention to her before, but there was just something about this picture that struck him at once. Here was what perhaps the loveliest woman to have ever lived – she really did look like a live embodiment of those girls in the princess books that Mia loved so, and she was truly transcendental – he felt that her blue eyes were staring right at him, and smiling softly.

He had heard older English soldiers say that they had gone to war for her, and that in a heartbeat, they'd do it again, and he understood them at once for the first time. It wasn't just her – and her beauty was enough, Eli thought with a smirk – but it was what she represented, he realized.

To Eli, she represented another girl. Down to…her name, it all seemed so eerie…the name Clare had used in writing those first alias letters, her midd-

"Beautiful, wasn't she? Poised to be your queen," Eli heard a salesman say as he pointed to the Canadian flag on his shoulder, making him remember that yes, of course, Canada was still a monarchy.

"Candle in the wind," he relied with a soft smile, because Cece had always said that Elton John had gotten it perfectly right in the song that he wrote in her honour.

"I've never seen a prettier picture of her," Eli added.

"That's because of what she's wearing, boy," the salesman replied with a chuckle.

"Pretty dress," Eli replied casually.

"Not the dress boy," the salesman laughed. "She's wearing the most beautiful jewellery that ever was," he continued, pointing to a ring and necklace that indeed were…fit for a princess. They were sparkly, and…so blue. The pure sapphire brought out her eyes like stars on a dark night, and the deep blue shined among the bright lights of the traditional diamonds. She also had on a matching bracelet, and it was all so beautiful that Eli thought that had he ever gotten to see the girl in person, she would have literally taken his breath away.

Eli smiled as he nodded, noting how gracefully the ring rested on her elegant finger, and how perfectly the blue pendant was nestled in between the tips of her collarbones, and…he couldn't help of think of the girl that was the princess' namesake.

The salesman continued, "There's a special story, you know – behind this famous picture. Princess Diana came here on a visit with Prince Charles – her first visit to the Middle East. It was quite the occasion – planet's most beautiful girl, of course every man loved her; including the Crown Prince of Saudi Arabia, who was going to be the host of the official visit. When she was confirmed to visit, the Crown Prince put jewellers to work right away – to make special jewels to give to the Princess as a gift – out of our traditional blue sapphire – matched her pretty eyes so.

The girl was so beautiful, the Crown Prince wanted to make something special, you see – something she couldn't get anywhere else. Day and night we worked on the royal jewels, in this shop right here. And I can honestly say….worth every second to see how they sparkle on her. The Crown Prince says to this day, that the night that he gave them to her at the inaugural ball – this is where this photo was taken – remains to be the single best day of his life. Lady Di said they were her favourite pieces of jewellery – she wore them many times over, something rare for a princess. But this was the first night that she donned them, given to her by the Crown Prince. Seeing how we made them, we've kept replicas for years," the salesman finished, walking Eli to a display of samples that Eli swore looked identical.

"How about it, soldier? Got a Diana whose eyes would sparkle just like those of the most enchanting princess to have ever lived?" he asked, completing his sales pitch.

Eli had really been a goner the minute he had been struck by the name connection, and the fact that Princess Diana had donned such special…blue jewels.

He forgot all about Lorenzo – who in Eli's mind was still a large feature of Clare's life – in that moment, and when he did finally surface back to his mind, it still didn't stop him from handing his credit card over. The pretty ring and necklace were so incredibly unique – that's what Eli liked about them; they had been specially made for one special Diana and he was in the only place in the world that you could get a replica.

Lorenzo couldn't get her this, he thought in a moment of smug satisfaction that he fought back later, and…he knew he wasn't her boyfriend, but it would be her birthday soon. This was such a special opportunity – being in the only place where you could get such ornamental jewellery; nobody made jewellery like the Arab world, Eli knew. Clare should have it, he thought, and he knew he'd find a way to get it to her even if she didn't know where it had come from.

They were, after all, as the salesman told him as he wrapped them up in a delicate Arab gold foil, Diana's special gift.

XXXXXXXXXXX

Ten hours later, Ada is worrying profusely – tears are in her eyes. She doesn't understand how all of a sudden they got here – he was fine, she panics.

The German doctors – they wanted to take a second look at Eli, and they found a complication with his leg – and they decided to operate right away – and Ada hates that she doesn't understand everything they're saying, all the equipment they're using – it's all things she's not used to.

The news reports it in Canada – because everyone's waiting on him and now he's going to take longer to get home – and Clare feels like she's losing her mind bit by bit.

_Would God ever allow him to actually get home_? She wonders with tears in her eyes as she kneels beside her bed. It's said it's going to take him an extra two weeks, but she calls the line with his ID in her shaking hand, and her prayers are answered, because it gives an update on him in the German hospital.

He's okay, and Clare doesn't know that Ada stays with him for the entire two weeks, despite the fact that she's only hours away from her daughter; but she wants to see Eli be okay.

He wakes up to see snow in Bavaria outside, and he feels deeply numb, but he sees Ada by his side and calms down; everything went well with his surgery; the clot was cleared, and he'd be good to go home after a little bit of time in rehab.

But Eli finds himself tired and wanting to give up when he hears the word 'rehab'. He doesn't think he can do it; he's tired now, and even Ada's comments and Col. Stevenson's playful encouragements – they all stay with him, they find a nice hotel in Germany – can't get through to him.

He's just tired – it's the only way he can put it, and he doesn't feel scared anymore, not in Germany. The nurses all speak English, it's so…Western everywhere, and…it's comfortable here, and Eli begins to let go of his strength. His aunt calls him, and says she wishes she could come, but Eli knows she has to work, and he tells her not to worry.

But they all worry, Col. Stevenson the most, because he knows that once a soldier stops fighting – and it sure looks like Eli is – things would inevitably turn bad – really bad.

Eli wants to fight harder, but part of him wonders if he can just be done now. Truth is, he's been on his own for a long time, and it's sad to live in a world without his parents and without the girl who Eli thinks is the only one to have loved him.

The nurse who looks after him under Ada's watchful eye is the same one who gave him his first shot on his way to Afghanistan and who cut his hair, and her heart aches for him – after all he's been through…for him to give up now, it's tragic. He's so close – made it through torture, but now his spirit is broken.

So she never leaves on Friday nights – her shift ends at 7pm, but she stays with him and reads from the book he bought in Qatar, until one Friday she is handed something that makes her run to his room – it's midnight, but she sees that he's awake, so she lights the soft lamp and whispers to him,

"Eli, Eli, you have a letter," and she sees him open his eyes a little wider and stand up a little straighter.

His voice is hoarse as he responds, "No…it must be a mistake. I…no one sends me letters".

"It's for _you_, Eli, it's _for you_ – a letter, for you. Come on, stand up – "she says, and she helps him to do so.

"From Clare, Eli, from Clare Edwards," she says encouragingly, and she recognizes that look that hides in the corner of his eyes when he hears that name – she's a nurse for soldiers, for crying out loud – she recognizes that look.

It has the power to save lives, and she knows it.

So she assertively, but softly reads the words on the crumpled up piece of paper that had crossed through so many pairs of hands before making its way to the boy that it had been intended for.

_Dear Eli, _

_ It's me, Clare. I hope this letter finds you, and find you quickly. _

_ I've realized something that would take me a novel to explain. Because people say things they don't mean all the time, and I have so much to say to you that I do mean, you know. _

_ But I don't have time, so I'm going to put it as plainly as I can. _

_ I want to ask something of you, and I know I have no right. _

_ But I hope that you will hear me out. _

_Since you've left, time has been measured out in bitter chapters. I can't take it anymore; each day…learning who's fallen. Who won't return. This war, Eli…it's being lost on the battlefield and it's being lost twice over by those who stay behind. _

_ I find myself at the end of my wits, now, Eli. So I'm going to selfishly ask something of the only boy who has ever loved me. You. _

_ This letter is my last thread of courage. I don't know when your tour is over, or where you are right now. _

_ So now I say to you, plain as I can:_

_ If you are writing, stop writing. _

_ If you are fighting, stop fighting. _

_ If you are marching, stop marching. _

_ Come back to me. _

_ Come back to me is my request. _

The nurse's voice is shaky as she finishes reading the letter, because she understands what has happened; she sees a lot in her profession. Girls who come to their senses while the boys are away, and then when the boys come back, they can be together and work things out.

So she tells him exactly that, and his green eyes get a thoughtful look in them.

Three weeks later, the team of doctors and nurses swear it's the fastest recovery they had ever seen.

XXXXXXXXXXXX

"This my daughter, Eli," Ada says proudly in the arrivals terminal of London's Heathrow after a tearful embrace.

"Pleased to meet you," Eli says with a smirk to a very pretty young girl with flowing back hair.

The girl hugs him and cries in his embrace, and Eli wraps his arms around her gently and soothes her, because he knows the pain of being away from a parent from so long.

The girl insists that Eli come home with them for a bit, but Ada playfully replies,

"No, he can't. Boy got mission – and if he didn't have pretty girl back home, I'd say you meet my daughter," Ada says with a cheeky smile as her daughter blushes, because she finds Eli rather attractive – especially in his uniform.

Ada waves her hand playfully as she says, "But no can do – Eli need to go his Clare," she says meaningfully, and Eli and the woman who saved his life share one last hug before she walks away happier than she had ever been.

Eli feels Col. Stevenson slap his shoulder playfully as he asks, "This is it, Eli. Last piece of foreign land before Canadian soil. You ready to go home, son?" he asks, and Eli flashes him a huge smirk in response.

"Never been more ready for anything in my life," he responds, and they head for the plane that will carry them across the Atlantic Ocean and into Canada.

XXXXXXXXXX

"Mom, come on, it's gonna come on any second now," Clare says to Helen as she turns the TV on. She didn't go with Adam and Fiona to Trenton to meet Eli, because when she meets him she wants it to be just the two of them, and also because part of her wants to give Eli a little bit of time to settle down before seeing her.

So when she saw that CBC was following his flight, and they were going to show him touching down – and they had even mentioned a small interview – she thanked God….because this way she could see him too.

A reporter wearing a pretty red coat stands on a tarmac, Clare sees, and after ten minutes of retelling Eli's story, Clare is holding her mom's hand as she watches the Canadian forces plane's door open. Her chest feels so heavy as she watches as a young boy comes up to the plane as the door opens – another young boy is on the other end, about her and Eli's age. The two salute each other with immaculate precision, and then Clare recognizes Col. Stevenson, who is in the company of a woman also in military uniform. The boys salute the two army superiors, and then, just like that, she sees Eli come out next – his hair neatly cut, a huge smirk on his face as he returns the salute of the boys. He's wearing a uniform she has never seen him wear before – simple black dress pants, neatly pressed, and he has on a white dress shirt and a black tie under a black V-neck sweater. The sweater has the classic army shoulder insignia – instead now where there was upon a time one line on his shoulder, there's two – and 'CANADA' neatly embroidered parallel to the last line, with a little golden maple leaf embroidered in the side as well.

She bursts out in wild sobs at the sight of him, because after all this time, she almost can't believe it. She loves that he's smiling and laughing with Col. Stevenson and the woman who Clare doesn't know is Col. Stevenson's wife and a army lawyer. Eli makes his way quickly down the plane stairs, but Clare doesn't miss the odd movement his left leg seems to make on the last step, and her heart sinks for a second. She hears the drums and bagpipes play a marching 'O Canada,' and she then tears up even more when she sees that beside the Prime Minister and the representative of the Queen…are Adam, Fiona and her parents, Daniel and Imogen, and even Arizona, Kenny, and Arizona's mom.

But as Eli makes his way down the tarmac, following the red carpet that had been laid out, Clare sees exactly who he is looking out. She's in her mommy's arms, her pretty blonde curls shining in the sun. Clare notices that Linda dresses Mia in a cute jean skirt, red tights, and a red hoodie that had 'support our troops' printed across it, along with a white maple leaf. The little girl is the most precious thing Clare had ever seen, and so much bigger. Clare feels tears roll down her face when she sees Mia shimmy out of her mom's arms, her green eyes fixed on Eli's as if asking…who is that, before a shy smile crosses her little face and she coyly shoots Eli a feisty little look.

Clare sees a slow smirk spread across his face, and he kneels down and holds his arms out. In a moment that no one really expects, Mia giggles and she begins running quickly, hitting Eli's body with a soft thud as he laughs – the reporter's mike picks it up – and picks up the little girl. Clare sees her little pink nails clutching his black army sweater tightly, and he can hear Eli joyfully saying,

"Wow, Mia! Look at you pretty girl," and when the mike also picks up Mia's little voice saying "Eli?" shyly, Eli gasps. He can't believe the little girl knows his name, and he begins bouncing her playfully in his arms like he always used to when she was younger. This was what Mia had desired all along, and her giggles know no end as Eli laughs back and says, "My goodness, pretty girl – you're so big! You can talk! And run! I love you," he softly says as Clare sees him hug her tighter and the little girl's head comes to a rest on Eli's shoulder as he smirks.

"That's my girl. Nothing better than a hug from my girl," Eli softly says, and Clare watches his aunt approach him and embrace him, creating a bit of a Mia sandwich.

Mia is returned to her mommy so Eli and Adam can share a proper hug – and Clare sees the emotion in both of their eyes, and she sees how tightly they both hold onto each other – for just a second longer than they did when Eli first went away, she knows.

Eli and Daniel then have one of those 'bro-hugs' as Clare knew Adam called them – something like a mixture between a high-five and a hug, and Clare sees the worry in Eli's eyes as he scans Daniel's eyes, but she also sees him relax soon. She doesn't exactly like it when Imogen hugs Eli as well, but she tells herself to calm down – Imogen is married to Daniel, and Clare knows it's the real deal.

Fiona is next to give Eli a quick hug and a wink, and Clare can tell that he is apologizing for something as he points to his wrist – and she immediately remembers the watch that Fiona gave Eli and puts the pieces together – Eli's captors had taken it away from him. Eli then shakes the hands of Fiona's parents, and then Clare again doesn't like it when Arizona hugs Eli.

But as Eli takes Arizona's hand into his own, she's downright steaming – wasn't that Kenny boy standing next to Arizona her boyfriend? Why did he seem so amused? It's only a second after that Clare sees that Eli is touching a pretty shiny ring that is on Arizona's finger and smirking at Kenny. She can tell Eli is asking a question and she sees Arizona blush, and then Kenny leans in and kisses her forehead, and Clare can tell that Eli is saying, 'Congratulations,' and then he shares a handshake with Kenny.

She can then tell that Arizona is introducing Eli to her mom, and Clare sees the sincerity in Eli's eyes as he talks to Arizona's mom for quite a while before Col. Stevenson gently takes his arm and guides him inside a building.

The feed cuts off to the studio, but just a second longer, the reporter's voice comes over an image of a stage and podium with three large Canadian and Ontario flags behind it.

She sees that Mia has returned to Eli's arms now, as Col. Stevenson and the army lady accompany Eli to the podium.

The CBC reporter announces,

_…and we are now going live to Trenton Canadian Forces Airbase, where Special Representative Eli Goldsworthy has returned home after what has been quite the trial, and we are told he will say just a few words – _the reporter said before his voice was cut off and the transmission connected to the small conference room in the Air Forces base.

Clare watches as the lady in the uniform – an elegant khaki skirt, she notices – comes up to the podium, and her name and her status as legal counsel for the Canadian Forces also flash on the screen.

Clare hears the shuffling of papers in the room before all the reporters turn quiet and she smiles a bright smile as she says,

"Thank you ladies and gentlemen, members of the press. Special Representative Goldsworthy – or Eli, as he insists you call him," she says with a small laugh, "just has a few words to say, and yes, he will be taking just a few questions," she says before Eli takes the podium. Clare sees him trying to pass off Mia to her mommy, but the little girl hangs onto him tightly and Eli's mike picks up her little whimper, causing laughter to come from the reports.

Eli just shot them an apologetic smirk and shrugged, coming up to the podium and playfully saying, "Say hi, Mia," but the little girl just shot a coy look to the cameras, looking very disinterested, and resting her head on Eli's shoulder again, as he chuckled in satisfaction.

"Well, my pretty little cousin Mia's joining us then," Eli said with a smirk, causing laughter to result from the crowd.

Clare then saw him get a little more serious as he said,

"Thank you all for coming here today – it means a lot to me. I had no idea that anyone had heard what had happened, and I definitely didn't know it had gotten so much coverage back home," Eli said with a smile.

"I just wanted to say a huge thank you to everyone who said a prayer or wished for my safe return – that means the world to me. I'd like to give a special thanks to Mrs. and Dr. Coyne, who worked wonders at the UN to negotiate the release of all other prisoners who had a much longer test than I did," he says, and Clare's entire body trembles….so it was true. He had been tortured, she thinks as she painfully squeezes her eyes shut at the sheer horror.

"I would also like to thank Dr. Calloway in addition to Dr. and Mrs. Coyne – I can see now where your daughter get their unconditional kindness from," Eli said with a smirk at Fiona and Arizona that delighted them both.

"To my outstanding Colonel and Lieutenant – Dr. Stevenson and Lt. Sean Cameron who fought for me even when everyone thought I was a goner, I also owe a large thank you. But most of all, I owe a thank you to all of my brothers in the forces and to everyone back home who took the time out of their day to wish for my safe return home – to realize that so many people were thinking of me…well…it's something that is rather difficult to explain, but I assure you that it made a world of difference for me.

Now…I might be in the forces, but I'm not a real political man. I can't tell you that I fully believe in war, but I can assure you that I fully believe in the Canadian forces – in all of the NATO forces that I got to meet actually, be they Canadian, American, British, German…it's all soldiers who are trying to make a better life for themselves and for their family. It's a home away from home, and everyone cares about each other so deeply. People don't do it for the money, or the glory – they just…do it anyway. The men and women that I met…and I was just a writer, you see; I wasn't out there every day on the front lines, like the majority of our men and women in uniform really are. But they…do everything they can; they work straight through the holidays; all night long. They can't call in sick when the weekend's been strong. You can bet that within 6 minutes time, they will go from sleeping to standing ready, standing strong and steady. They will always do their duty, no matter what the price. They know the sacrifice that they have signed up for, and…of course they don't want to die for us. But trust me when I tell you, that if dying is asked of them, they'd bear that cross with honor. And as I hold this precious little girl right now," Eli said as Clare's heart melted when he placed a kiss in Mia's pretty blonde curls, "I can honestly tell you...it's worth it all. Every second of being away…was worth it, just for this," Eli said as Clare saw him look at Mia lovingly.

"I have one more very special thank-you. I think you know my arrival was delayed when I got sick in Germany. Well," Eli said as he stared straight into the camera, "I got a letter that made a world of difference from me. So, thank you to you, Diana," he said softly, and Clare loved that he chose that term of reference for her….because it gave her a warm feeling of privacy between just her and Eli that she absolutely adored.

The lady who Clare now knew as a lawyer then came up to the podium and said that Eli would answer just a few questions now, but her comment led to a feeding frenzy of reporters trying to out-question each other.

"Umm…yes?" Eli said in confusion as he gestured to one of them, wondering if that was what he was supposed to do.

"Hi, Clara Hughton, The Toronto Sun. Can you describe to us what happened the night that you were captured?" she asked, and Clare felt a heavy weight in her heart as she saw Eli blink slowly and let out a small breath.

She wondered what he would say.

"I…I actually made a conscious decision to not talk about that night today, you see. I think everyone knows the basics – I was with my unit when we were unloading civilians from a hospital, and we got attacked by a group of Taliban insurgents – we basically walked right into a trap. I was captured, held for the night, but then I was rescued by a civilian – which completely proved to me that Canada's mandate of protecting civilians is the right one," Eli said, and Clare didn't like the way he avoided the question.

"But what did they do to you the night that you were captured?" the reporter pushed.

"I think you all know the answer to that – tried to get me to talk," Eli replied.

"But you didn't," the reporter beamed proudly.

"It would have completely compromised the mission – of course I didn't," Eli answered.

"And you were awarded the Provincial Medal of Honor," the reporter continued, giving information that Clare didn't know and that Helen smiled at.

"Yes," Eli said with a small, discreet smirk.

"Would you give us some more information on what exactly they did?" the reporter kept pushing.

Eli looked down and replied, "I…I just don't want to think about it anymore".

"Can you tell us more about the civilian who rescued you?" the lady then asked.

Clare saw a soft smile cross Eli's face for a second before he answered, "I'd love to, because the person who rescued me is one of the kindest people I know – but that's a matter of their own protection. No more will be spoken of them," Eli categorically said, using the ambiguous pronoun on purpose and putting an end to this discussion.

Eli then pointed to another reporter who asked him,

"So, what's next for you, Eli? Going to stay with a career in the military – are you going back to school?" he questioned.

"I think my time in the forces on the ground is done, but I'm staying on as a grant writer located in Ottawa next summer – I still owed the army four months and even though I was honorably discharged, I don't want to just bail. School is next for me indeed – I'm a semester behind due to the extension of my tour, and I intend to catch up by taking six courses and doing a summer term," Eli replied, and Clare heard her mom compliment his plan.

Eli then gestured to another keen reporter who introduced herself as,

"Reese Lang, Harper Collins Canada. Eli – have you thought about writing a book about your tour?" she asked, and an ensuing outrage could be heard from another group of reporters.

"Hey!"

"We're not allowed to approach him until the end of his interview!"

"Back off, Reese!"

"Um…what's going on?" Eli asked in confusion as he gestured at the group of reporters that had burst out in protest.

Another reported answered,

"Those guys over there are from publishing houses – all fighting to offer you a deal to write a memoir-type novel, or fiction, or whatever you want. You're a writer, right? Well, they want to give you a book deal. However, they were instructed to wait until us newspaper reporters spoke to you, which obviously they didn't do," the Sun reporter answered with an unimpressed glare to the other side of the room.

"Well, how about it, Eli? Chat over it later? Harper Collins could really get your book out there the best," Lana pushed.

"You want me to write a book?" Eli asked, still a little taken aback.

"Well, yeah. Nice and quick too – before you return to school," she shrugged.

"But...that's like in three weeks," Eli said, realizing how close to Christmas it was.

"Plenty of time, and your Colonel told us you wrote while you were deployed, so all we'd have to do is match you up with one of our editors and we'd be on our way," the publishing house rep pushed.

"I…can we talk after maybe?" Eli hesitated, but Clare could tell that he was excited – this was his dream come true, and she knew it.

"If you write the book, will you say what happened to you that night?" another reporter insisted.

Eli exhaled deeply and his voice was hoarse as he said, "No. Because that is exactly what I don't want to happen – the people who captured me getting what they want; a voice. They wanted me to say some things on camera about how I don't believe in what I was doing and such – and just…absolutely not. If I do this book, I will tell the stories that need to be told – those of my friends in the forces. That's it. Those are the stories that deserve to be heard," Eli said, and that was the last question that he answered in his interview.

Clare then steamed in fury and jealousy when she heard a female reporter ask if Eli was single – apparently a lot of girls had written him letters! Written him letters for God's sake! Clare thought that was appalling and her whole body exuded anger – something that her mom found rather amusing as she pointed out that she should relax, that Eli had never even bothered to address that question with a single glace as he walked off stage. But Clare had seen the little smirk on her face, and it was all making her wish she had taken her mom up on her suggestion to go to Trenton so she could meet Eli. He had no idea how she felt!

However, as his mike was left on, Clare was able to hear Dr. Stevenson say his goodbye to Eli and reassure him that he would be at the meeting at U of T tomorrow – and Clare knew that Eli was setting up that meeting in order to figure out how to catch up with school.

This told her two valuable things. It told her where he would be. And when he would be there.

Just four hours later today. 7pm.

XXXXXXXXXX

Eli was tired as he walked through the aisles of the grocery store – his aunt had to return to Hamilton right away and while she had lovingly cleaned his apartment, put new sheets on his bed and made it all very welcoming, she had apologized for not having enough time to go grocery shopping – she hated the thought of her boy having to come home to an empty fridge.

Eli, however, had assured her that it was no big deal, and he had headed to the store right away – and he found it so curious that as he walked around the store in his uniform…people knew him.

They called him by name, and welcomed him home. A few old men even stop and shook his hand, thanking him for his service.

One girl his own age even asked to take a picture with him and Eli was scandalized when she then licked his ear as the photo was being taken – it was such a strange sensation and such a surprise that he just awkwardly moved away from her as she burst into giggles and ran away with her friend.

He was left shaking his head in confusion and wiping his ear in slight disgust, walking through a few more aisles until he came to the flower section of the store, and he picked up a bouquet of pretty white lilies to accompany the card that he had just written and that he held in his hands.

There was somewhere that he needed to be, and he didn't want to show up empty-handed.

He tucked the card neatly into the flower bouquet and just as he was reaching for a second bouquet, he heard someone call his name. He thought it would be someone who had recognized him from the news, and he kind of regretted not taking the time to go home and change first – he was rather inconspicuous in his uniform, he knew.

But when he turned around, he felt a little uncomfortable when he saw who was calling his name.

Arguably not his biggest fan.

"Hey Jake," he replied somewhat softly.

"Welcome home, dude. Glad you're okay," Jake said without a smile.

"Thanks," Eli awkwardly answered as he held onto the bouquet of white lilies, knowing its intended recipient would love the pretty flowers.

"Hey, Eli, listen," Jake began.

"What's up?" Eli replied.

"I'm like, really glad you're okay and everything, but I need to talk to you. I'm glad I ran into you, actually," Jake continued, and Eli wondered in hell this could be about.

"Shoot," he said with a shrug of his shoulders.

"Just…don't do this, Eli. You know better – I know you do," Jake told him in an authoritative tone, standing up a little straighter because he liked how much taller than Eli he was.

"Um…do _what _exactly?" Eli asked with a raised eyebrow.

"I know this might sound insensitive, you just getting back and all – but don't talk to Clare. It's not fair, Eli, and it's gonna mess her up badly. Really badly – trust me, I know," Jake insisted.

"I'm not –" Eli began, his heart sinking at Jake's words.

"She's all confused. She's not herself right now – your face has been all over the news lately and it's messed with her head. _You_'ve messed with her head," Jake purposefully said, and he knew when he saw Eli's entire body freeze up that he had chosen the right words.

"I didn't know it would be reported. And I can assure you I didn't get myself shot and tortured for Clare's attention," Eli shot, disgust dripping from his tone.

"I'm not saying you did. But right now you have a choice – you can bring Clare back into something that's gonna mess her up so badly I won't be able to pick up the pieces of it – ever – or…you can let her be happy – by staying away," Jake said.

He continued, "You and I both know it's not a good idea for you to be near her. She's gonna end up hurt and misplaced, and confused out of her mind. You've always been able _to do…such a number on her_, Eli. Don't do it again. It's not fair".

In that moment, as he clutched the bouquet of white lilies, Eli thought that maybe Ada should have never rescued him – maybe it would have just been better to die.

It was the first time that this thought had ever crossed his mind.

He looked down at the floor as Jake continued,

"You're…sick, Eli, and I'm not saying it's your fault. But Clare deserves better than to be with someone who will hurt her. And after what you've been through…it's not fair to ask her to be with you, to make you better after you're been tortured and stuff. It's just too messed up, and Clare's a sensitive, sweet girl – you know this. She'd feel like it was her job, and she'd never leave you – but she's only be staying out of guilt, Eli. She'd be…scared of leaving you if things went downhill. She'd only stay out of wanting to fix you, when she can't. When it's not her job to," Jake said.

"I never asked her to do that," Eli gritted, finally finding his voice.

"Didn't you?" Jake asked skeptically, raising an eyebrow at Eli.

He added, "All I know, is that as it stands – you can make or break her life her now. She's confused, and I know for a fact she's gonna look for you and tell you things she doesn't mean. You know this, Eli…you _know_ you're bad for her. Haven't you realized that…you've already done enough? She couldn't possibly take anymore," Jake said as Eli stood numbly, wondering if the army would accept him back after honorably discharging him.

He wanted to go back.

He understood how Lieutenant Sean felt now.

He understood perfectly.

Jake saw that he was getting through to Eli, so he added, "You did Clare wrong a long time ago, and I know you feel bad that you did – I know you regret it. So if you really care for her, you'll let her be happy. Away from you. It's up to you to give her the _safety_ she needs – it's up to you to protect her by staying away from her, Eli, or the next time it might be _her_ in a car that is driven into a wall. It might be _her_ lying in a casket, her _dead body_ six feet under," Jake finished as Eli felt that it was hard to breathe at Jake's last words.

"Don't do it – give me the flowers," Jake said.

"No, leave them alone. Don't touch them," Eli breathed, his hands shaking.

"Damn it, Eli, you just won't stop until you hurt her, will you? Maybe kill her? Someone's gonna get hurt around you, and I can't let it be Clare," Jake said forcefully, grabbing the bouquet of flowers from Eli's hands and pulling out the card.

"Your writing…she told me you're a great storyteller, and you can make anyone believe anything – so of course you go and write her something," Jake said, shaking his head and pulling out the card. It had pink roses on it – which made Jake furious.

Eli's mind was absolutely haunted by everything Jake had said…Clare dying…Clare getting hurt because she was around him…him causing her pain…him causing her to feel unlike herself, confused and messed up….her…dying…his…fault…always his…fault…

"Give me my card back," Eli shakily said, because he didn't want Jake reading those words.

"You can't mess with her like this – manipulate her – tell her…just what is it that you tell her?" Jake said, starting to read the card.

"_I miss you more than words can say_?" Jake angrily said, reading on, "_Every day's a lifetime without you – it's hard to get through since you've gone. So I go over my memories of you at night – because daylight can't hide the tears I've cried_?" Jake continued ridiculizing Eli because Eli's mind was stuck on Jake's past words.

He continued, "…_and I wish so much that things didn't have to be this way and that you could still be with me, because I need you to tell me that I can do all of this – that I make it through, just like you would always tell me_ – Jesus, Eli, don't you realize what reading this would do to her?" Jake asked in anger.

"You have _one second_ to give me back my letter, or I will hit you harder than you've ever been hit in your entire life – and remember where I've been, and what I've been doing before you decide," Eli snarled as he glared at Jake.

Jake however, continued, "_…because it's not fair that you were taken away from me so early, and I miss you so, so much mom –_ oh," Jake suddenly gasped, handing everything back to Eli with an embarrassed smile.

He took a step further away from Eli as he shot him an apologetic look and said, "You should have told me the flowers were… for your mom," having one time overheard Helen talk about how Eli's parents had died.

"Get away from me, Jake," Eli said with perfect control over his mind and body. "Just get away," he repeated.

"Sorry, I'm sorry, okay? But what I said about Clare stands. You have to _protect_ her, Eli. Don't do this to her. You've already done enough. It's time to look out for her best interest now. It's your job to protect her…from yourself," Jake said, knowing his specific words would get through to Eli.

Eli's flowers fell out of his hands as he watched Jake walk away, and his entire face dropped as he felt his body slightly shaking as he stood in the middle of the flower section, wishing he could be anywhere but here. He'd face the anger of those guns all over again, he'd lie cold and wounded in his blood if it meant never having to go through what he just did.

It was almost worse than the night of Morty's crash; almost worse than when Cece and Bullfrog had come into his room at night and told him about Julia.

A little boy then ran up to him and asked him if he was the soldier on TV. Eli reached into his pocket and gave him the tiny model planes that boys in the army sometimes carried for this purpose – but he was numb the entire time that he did it for, and when the little boy told him _soldiers don't cry_ upon a closer look at Eli, he just nodded as the boy's parents smiled sadly at Eli.

_But sometimes soldiers do cry, _Eli thought to himself as he began to walk towards the cashier, where the store manager insisted he not pay.

Eli then numbly began walking towards U of T – it was almost time for the meeting now, and he didn't want to go home and be alone with his thoughts. He hoped campus would be able to make him somewhat happy again – he really had missed it – but when he got there, he only felt more out of place than ever.

He waited for thirty minutes, and then he went to a meeting where everyone talked but him, pretty much. They told him that since he had accepted the book deal from Harper Collins, it would count as credit for one of his Creative Writing courses, and everyone helped him enroll into courses, gave him the textbooks free of charge for the January semester, and he thanked everyone, shook their hands politely, while the whole time he was wishing that that bullet had hit his heart and not his leg.

Because this life…everything that was happening around him…he felt so disengaged from it now. He couldn't wait to get back, but after the encounter he had just had, there was nothing Eli wanted to do more than just be done with everything already.

It had been a long battle – on and off the field – and Eli thought that maybe it was stronger than him after all. Maybe his therapist had been wrong, and the depths of his condition began pulling Eli down…down…down…and further down.

It was only Col. Stevenson who realized what was happening to Eli. He had seen it many times, and he had seen its ultimate result many times as well.

But he wouldn't let it happen again.

He knew it was his job to save Eli.

So he took him to his office, and just like that, Eli told his favourite professor and Colonel…everything.

Col. Stevenson listened patiently, empathy in his eyes.

He only had a few words for Eli in the end.

"Eli…I don't expect that Jake boy to understand you. A lot of people don't understand us, son – why we go to war still today, the things we try to protect – the lives we try to lead. It's a lot easier to judge than to be informed, Eli. You just remember that. It's a lot easier to be mean than it is to be kind. A lot easier to dismiss than to understand. A lot easier to be blind than to see," the experienced Army Colonel told Eli.

XXXXXXXX

Just a few blocks away, knowing that Eli was in a meeting now, Clare Edwards was nervously fixing her curls as she was wrapping yellow ribbons around the wide trunks of the trees that lines U of T's main street – her grandpa had told her that this is what military towns did these days. It was a welcome home sign – to see the large yellow ribbons wrapped around the trees, and she had wanted to do something – anything, and she thought Eli might smirk at the sight – and she so badly wanted to see him smirk.

She had opted for a pretty purple dress with a wide brown leather waist belt, elegant sheer black tights and black boots, and she had thrown a navy jean jacket over her dress because she liked the way it looked – she looked cute and girly and well put together, and she wanted to look nice for Eli. Something told her he would like her outfit, and she had taken special care to do her make-up really prettily – Helen had helped with that – and her mom had also curled her curls impeccably.

Clare was just standing at the top of a hill, wrapping up a ribbon around the last trees as she didn't see Eli come out of the Arts offices tower…because her sight was stolen by a certain older, Italian TA walking hand in hand with a pretty girl who had shiny black hair, was tall and super skinny, and was of his age. She muttered a few words under her breath and tried to hide behind the tree only to end up face to face.

"Hi," she said breathlessly as Lorenzo shot her a smug smile.

"Who's this, love?" the lady asked, and Clare knew that her assumption had been correct.

_Sure didn't take him long enough. _

Clare didn't like the look Lorenzo was giving her – it was one she hadn't seen much of – it was as if he was her superior, knowing something the poor little girl didn't.

"This is just one of my students, sweetheart. Clare, is it?" Lorenzo asked with fake confusion as Clare became enraged to see that…he was pretending he didn't even know her!

"Yeah, it's Clare," she said with a fierce glare and in a sharp tone.

"Of course – sorry, I have so many students it's hard to _keep track of you all_," Lorenzo said, and in a moment of terror she realized that…Lorenzo had probably been sleeping with other girls at the same time that he had been dating her.

"Lovely," the lady replied, and by now Clare could tell that she also had an Italian accent.

"My name is Venetia, I'm Lorenzo's wife – such a pleasure to meet one of his students," the lady said with a smile. "I'm going to head to the car, love," she said as Clare noticed that she was the only one out of the two to wear a wedding band.

Clare then felt like she could barely breathe when the woman added, "Only four months pregnant and I get tired so easily!"

Her entire body was shaking as Lorenzo was smiling smugly at her, and once Venetia was out of earshot, Clare whispered,

"You're married?" and Lorenzo laughed out loud and nodded.

Clare wondered how she never realized what a monster he was.

"How long?" she demanded angrily.

"I believe this would be the fourth year – but my darling wife works back in Italy, she can't always be around, you see," he said with a sly smile.

"You cheated on her…while she was pregnant," Clare whispered as the timeline began to kick in.

"With you, love – don't forget that part. And well, not only is she not here, which means I can't get any – but she's also all pregnant – had to find some other way of entertaining myself. Too bad I was fooled by the most frigid bitch there ever was – no way I ever getting laid by you, and I doubt it would have even been good," he shot, making Clare feel horrible…playing with her mind and making the poor girl lose all of her self-esteem and self-confidence with a sole comment that made her tear up.

"Unless you wanna change that, baby – I could show you a good time. And that whole virgin thing – I could take care of that," Lorenzo added, because he was mad that he had never had his way with Clare, and he liked tormenting her this way.

"Don't you talk to me like that!" Clare said explosively, and had it been just a bit louder, the three people at the far end of the street – Eli, Col. Stevenson, head of the International Relations department in his civilian capacity, and Dr. Gilbert, head of the English Department, would have heard.

"Oh, come on, you're probably just drunk or crazy or something," Lorenzo shot back.

"Hysterical girl," he scoffed.

"I'm not hysterical! And _I _broke up with _you_, thank you very much," Clare replied.

"Oh please – you think you were the only person I was with? You're not the only one who likes to play the TA game, darling, except other girls are a lot better at it than you – they actually put out. Over and over again," Lorenzo said, elongating the last words until Clare thought she was losing her mind.

"Stop it!" she yelled. "It's over between us. You lied and used me. Just stay away from me. You're…married!" she continued.

"So what? Didn't stop you from attacking me in my office…all the English department secretaries know it," Lorenzo continued, and Clare flinched in pure shame and an embarrassment so strong that she wanted to die at the thought of being made into such a fool…and everyone finding out…and Lorenzo was married, with a baby on the way!

"I didn't know! You lied to me, you…mistreated me," Clare accused him, and she stepped back when Lorenzo grabbed her wrist, but he was a lot stronger than her, especially when he was furious.

"Listen to me _little girl_," he snarled, "I treated your manipulative little self _like a _princess! I never made you do _anything_ you didn't want to – I don't recall you telling me to stop, and when you did like a big tease that night when you undressed and dragged me to bed, I did. I treated you _better _than I should have!" he accused.

"Let me go," Clare said. "You treated me like the jerk that you are. I deserved better," she said with tears in her eyes at his cruelty.

,

"You deserved _worse_, bitch," Lorenzo replied, finally letting go of Clare's wrist.

"Stop talking to me," Clare said painfully. "You're wrong. You're a horrible person – I can't be around you! I should tell everyone what you're really like," Clare whispered.

"Wake up little girl! Who's gonna believe you? You're just the girl that slept with the TA for a better mark," he replied.

"I did no such thing!" Clare protested. "That's it, I'm telling someone you know – if you don't clear my name, I will," Clare said resolutely, gathering up all of her strength and walking away from Lorenzo, only to feel him grab her shoulder and turn her around at once.

"You _will_ keep your mouth shut, you _whore_," Lorenzo said, and he raised his hand just high enough so that it would cause a loud smack when it came into contact with Clare's face, the sheer force and shock causing her to slip in the December snow and fall to the ground.

At the other end of the street, the group of three boys finally heard the shouting of the word 'whore,' which caused their attention to divert from their conversation and both professors heard Eli's gasp and watched his eyes widen as far as possible at the horrific sight.

By the time that Clare had realized that Lorenzo had actually…struck her…he had hit her…and that was why the pretty dress that she had chosen to wear for seeing Eli was now soaked, and dirty all over as she lay in a pile of assembled leaves, wanting to burst out into sobs…she didn't realize what was happening.

It was only in the next second as she looked up, a bright red imprint on her pale cheek, that she saw flashes of a military uniform deliver seamless punch after seamless punch to Lorenzo's face. She had never anything like it; it was like something out of a movie – and up until that point, she didn't realize just how much army training Eli had had. Lorenzo was a lot bigger than him, but Eli was so quick and agile that Lorenzo never stood a chance – he cried out in pain, and in the time that it took him to even realize he had just received another punch, Eli had already delivered a subsequent one. Each of his strikes had a precision that only months and months of training and exercise could produce, it was so clear by Lorenzo's reaction time….and Clare had no idea where Eli had come from, but there was no confusing that it was him, in his uniform, beating the living daylights out of Lorenzo.

But before she got a chance to snap out of her frozen trance, she saw Lorenzo punch Eli in the liver and she doubled over in pain herself when she heard him crying out in pain, and when Lorenzo hit Eli's left shin over and over again, she wanted to die herself. She knew there was something wrong with that leg – she had seen it as he was descending the steps of the plane – and now Eli was down on the ground while Lorenzo leaved over him and punched him, making Eli's lip bleed.

"Stop it! Stop it! Right now!" Clare cried, getting up to approach the boys.

She regretted her cries when she saw Eli get up hastily, look right into her eyes as the blood was now dripping down his chin and say, "Clare, go - quickly. Get away from him! Get away from here," and the moment of distraction caused Lorenzo to deliver another fatal blow to Eli's injured and recently-operated-on leg, which resulted in Eli falling down all over again.

"Goddamn it," Clare heard him mutter as he closed his eyes in pain while Lorenzo smiled smugly.

"Leave him alone! Stop it!" Clare cried, and despite Eli's warnings she moved towards Lorenzo.

"CLARE! _Get away_ from him!" she heard Eli cry in frustration, and before she knew what was happening, Eli was up again, jumping on top of Lorenzo and bringing him down to the ground.

Clare watched in horror as the blood was now staining Eli's uniform, and she heard Lorenzo grit out,

"What's wrong, soldier boy? Pissed off I fucked her first? She was fantastic, you know. Wouldn't know it by looking at her, but she's completely wild-" and Clare felt her vision being flooded with tears when she heard what Lorenzo was saying.

She then saw Eli punch Lorenzo so hard that she knew that Eli broke his nose, because blood began flowing out of it right away.

"No amount of beating me up is gonna make her fuck _you_, you know," Lorenzo shot, and Eli punched him again - hard, until Clare saw Col. Stevenson run up to Eli and lift him off Lorenzo in one fell swoop, saying,

"Easy, Eli. At ease. Stand down, stand down," and the series of commands made Eli slowly obey, creating another picture that Clare hadn't seen before. She felt her heart sink when she saw that Eli was placing all of his body weight onto his one good leg, and the trail of blood had seeped onto the white dress shirt under his military sweater.

Lorenzo then gave a bitter laugh before he said, "That's right – get your _army daddy_ to hold you back. Big freaking hero comes home and almost kills a man with his bare hands – that's the fucking army for you," Lorenzo snarled.

"Excuse me, son?" Col Stevenson calmly asked a bleeding, writhing on the ground Lorenzo.

"I didn't talk to you, old timer," Lorenzo replied.

"You'd better watch that smart mouth, son," Col Stevenson replied, disrespect being one of his least favourite things in the world.

"The only one who needs their mouth here," Lorenzo said as he stood up, "is _that bitch_," pointing at Clare. "Not that I didn't enjoy _certain_ things that she did with her mouth," Lorenzo said with a tormenting wink Eli's way.

Col Stevenson had to restrain Eli all over again, but he switched out of Professor mode and into Col. mode when faced with Lorenzo's attitude.

"Boy, stop using that language around me," he cautioned.

"I'm gonna use whatever language I want – and that girl is nothing but a two-bit pissed off _whore_," Lorenzo shouted, taking a huge stride towards Clare in anger, only to be immediately held back by Col. Stevenson, who twisted Lorenzo's arm behind his back in one fell swoop, causing him to cry out in pain. Col. Stevenson held it in a tight grip as he calmly said,

"You don't want to make me angry, boy. Stop talking to the girl like that, and maybe I'll let you walk away without a broken arm," as Eli stared at his Colonel in shock and never felt more love for him than in that moment.

Lorenzo winced in pain as Col. Stevenson said, "You will apologize for your behaviour on my campus," and Lorenzo muttered a half-hearted apology.

Col. Stevenson forced his arm a little more as he added, "And you're fired," with a tone of finality. "Effective immediately".

Lorenzo shouted, "You can't fire me! Who the hell are you even?" he asked.

"Boy, you have no idea what I can do," Col. Stevenson said, and Eli smirked, knowing just how influential his Colonel was in the Canadian government. "I can have you deported faster than you can say 'ciao'" Col. Stevenson added.

He then gripped Lorenzo tighter as he said, "And I'm doing so, you know. I don't know what it's like where you're from, but in Canada we don't hit girls – it's battery, and it's the reason why police is picking you up from this campus and escorting you to your home so you can pack your bags and head home," he finished.

Dr. Gilbert, head of the English Department who barely recognized Lorenzo immediately stepped in and said, "Not to mention, _I can_ fire you. And I am. You're fired – right now. I regret any of my staff ever hiring you in the first place," he said categorically.

"You can't do this," Lorenzo gasped in astonishment at the two professors.

He felt Col. Stevenson grip him tighter as he said, "It's already been done, boy. You're never stepping foot in Canada again. You hit a girl – a student – and like a coward, target a decorated solider's injured leg in battle – you're done," Col. Stevenson said authoritatively, and just ten minutes later, Lorenzo was shoved into the back of a police car, and just hours later, he had departed Toronto forever.

After his departure, Col. Stevenson handed Eli a white handkerchief that he took gratefully, and he guided him to a bench. Dr. Gilbert and Clare approached, and Clare's heart dropped when Eli immediately refused her request to let her help him control the bleeding.

"Miss," Dr. Gilbert began, and Clare's heart sank. "We need to talk about your future at U of T in light of…your involvement with that individual. TA-student relationships are outlawed in the calendar," he said strictly and Clare widened her eyes.

"What…no…he said…he said it was fine," she whispered, tears forming in her eyes at the thought of her entire life collapsing.

"It's clearly stated, and I have no choice but to ask you to withdraw from-" Dr. Gilbert began, but Eli gently cut him off, blood over all his face and hands as he said in a stuffy voice,

"Sir. Please listen – I've known Clare for five years. I…" Eli trailed off.

"You asked to go to UBC so she could stay here," Dr. Gilbert said, finally understanding that entire situation.

"I did," Eli said, and Clare noticed that he didn't meet her eyes. She hated everything about this moment – this was not how hers and Eli's reunion was supposed to go – Lorenzo had ruined everything – Eli had never even had time to notice the ribbons, she thought painfully.

"And please trust me when I say that if Clare says that she didn't know, she really didn't know. If there's one thing that Clare is…it's not any of the despicable thing that monster referred to her by. She's kind, and patient, and she always just wants to do the right thing. Clare is one of a kind in a world filled with lies, deceit and betrayal – if she did anything wrong here, it was…it was to be too trusting. But that's just how she is – and it's not naitiviete, it's rather the opposite – she loves everyone with all her heart, and she always wants to believe the best in people. She always sees the best in them, and does not focus on the negative. It's clear that she was manipulated. But this young woman has an ability to care and trust with all her heart – and to me, that's what true courage is. So don't punish her for…doing something that this world needs more of. The only bad thing here is that monster, and he's gone now. If you punish Clare for…being…just too good, too trusting, and too courageous…it would be like extinguishing a flame that the world needs these days. Without it, I'd be lying in a torture room or I'd be dead….if there weren't people like Clare in the world," Eli finished, laying out an argument that brought tears to Clare's eyes when she realized her reflection through Eli's eyes and that couldn't really be refuted.

"No more in discrepancies, Miss," Dr. Gilbert said, and Clare opened her mouth to shower him with thanks, but he simply raised his hand and said, "And that's the last to come of this subject. No more dating TAs – except for those in your own combined BA/MA program, like Eli," he added with a tiny smirk, making Clare in on the secret of Eli's newly appointed position as he was entering his final year of studies.

"Have a doctor take a look at you son," Col Stevenson said as he got up from the bench, "especially because now those infec-"he began, but Eli cut him off, not wanting Clare to hear the rest.

"I will, Sir," Eli said, after assuring both profs that he was okay – and the older gentlemen realized that other than insist on driving Eli home, it was perhaps best to leave him with Clare.

When they had completely walked away, Clare was sitting in a soaked delicate dress that was all dirty now, her curls messy, and her mascara staining her face.

Eli took off his army sweater and placed it over her head as Clare shakily co-operated, inserting her arms through the sleeves.

"Thank you for the yellow ribbons. Amazing," Eli complimented her and Clare smiled softly. So he had noticed.

"This wasn't how it was supposed to be," she whined painfully.

"I know. I know. But the fact that you did it means a lot," Eli said. "Let me take you home," he added when he took in her appearance.

"I don't want to go home," Clare whispered.

"Um, okay. I can take you to Alli's, or Adam's, or – " Eli began suggesting.

"Can I go with you?" Clare asked, her large blue eyes full of hope.

"Of course," Eli replied instantly, and Clare burst out into wild, uncontrollable sobs that shook her entire body as tears flooded her vision.

"Clare, Clare, it's okay – he's gone, he can't hurt you, and he doesn't deserve you. He doesn't deserve your tears," Eli tried to ration with her.

Clare only got more hysterical, and she immediately came right up to him and hid in his embrace, her entire body shaking as she realized Eli smelled like Ivory soap now – army issue.

Eli sighed deeply and wrapped his arms tightly around her as he smoothed her curls down, repeating, "Shh. Shh. It's okay, Clare. It's gonna get better, I promise. Your life will be back to normal. I've got you. Shh. Shh," over and over again, until she calmed down – only somewhat. She was still shaking, and burrowing as deep as possible into his embrace.

When she gripped his shoulders tightly and refused to let go, Eli shyly placed his hands around her waist and lifted her up so gently, and Clare instinctively wrapped her legs around his waist, allowing him to carry her sobbing form through the rain for the entire five blocks to his apartment, where Eli knew he could get her dry, warm and safe.

The only thing that he didn't know was what he would say to her.

And even more frightening to her…what she would say to him.

Her ring was gone, he had noticed.

She was crying uncontrollably.

He assumed the worst.

He assumed she was in the worst kind of trouble a girl could get in. She was crying really hard – much too hard for this to be just about Lorenzo.

In that moment, Eli was glad she had a cheque for $300 000 from him. Because if someone had hurt his girl, she would need many things, and economic protection would be one of them. His mind was racing a mile of minute with horrible thoughts as he carried Clare protectively, hanging onto her tightly, but gently and chastely at the same time.


	15. Give Into Me

XXXXXXXXXX

"Here we go," Eli softly said as he adjusted Clare a little in his grip so he could reach into the pocket of his uniform pants and get his key, opening the door to his apartment for the first time since he had left for his Afghanistan tour.

Sure, he had dreamed of returning home with Clare in his arms – he didn't let himself think about that while on base because it was his job to be accountable to the soldiers he worked with and with Clare on his mind, he simply couldn't focus on anything else – but…not like this.

Never _like this_, and he didn't like it, and he was worrying about her much too profusely to let himself get carried away in her scent and in how tight her grip on him was.

As he made his way into the apartment and turned on the fireplace while still holding Clare, he was extremely grateful for his aunt's obvious work when she knew he was returning. She had bought a whole bunch of decorative pillows for his leather couch – Cece downright had an obsession with those, and Eli figured it must have been an inherited trait from his grandma or something – and the entire apartment was…sparkling clean, not really the status that Adam had left it in the first time that he occupied it, not that Eli gave a damn.

But now…he was happy that his place was clean, tidy, and warm – because he wanted Clare to feel comfortable and safe after what she had just been through. Using the one leg that was not completely killing him, he pushed the loveseat that matched his black leather sofa in front of the fireplace and sat down in it, Clare still softly crying and hanging onto him for dear life. She hid her face in his neck as he adjusted into the seat, the warmth of the fireplace radiating at once.

"Shh. Shh. It's okay, Clare. It's okay," Eli gently told her over and over again as he was shaking her curls out, little drops of water landing all over his upper arm. His own uniform was bloody and there was blood on the entire other side of his face, but Clare could just see where the trail of blood ended, staining Eli's white dress shirt with Canada-coat-of-arms buttons.

"Are you hurt?" she softly whimpered, fearing for Eli's leg and the blood that she could see.

"Not even a bit," Eli smugly confirmed in an assertive tone that Clare liked.

"Does your leg hurt?" she whispered as Eli felt her fingers dig deep into his skin, holding onto him as if he would vanish into thin air any moment now.

"Not at all, there's nothing wrong with my leg," he lied.

"But there is," Clare said, her voice barely above a whisper.

"Nope, not according to like, thirty of the world's best doctors in Germany," Eli said with a smirk as he gently rocked Clare, pulling her out of their embrace just a little so he could see her face. He felt his entire body be taken over by a mad fury when he saw that its right side was all red, the imprint of a hand still on it.

He raised his hand to it and gently caressed it, and Clare saw the pain in his eyes. When he removed his hand from her face, she felt his body tense up and she saw his fists clench as he muttered,

"I should have _killed_ him. I should have done it," and his entire body was shaking with nerves.

"No," Clare said softly, hiding her face in Eli's neck, and he felt the breath from her lips, making him slightly shudder as she continued, "Because your hands…are way too precious for that. I don't want you to get in trouble over him," burrowing deeper into Eli's embrace.

"Clare, when Col. Stevenson – the most composed man in the Armed Forces for crying out loud - loses it and twists someone's arm…well, that just says everything. I may have not killed anybody in my entire time in Afghanistan, but I swear, I would have _killed him with my bare hands_, in a second," Eli said with a determination so powerful that his entire body slightly convulsed.

"Don't, Eli, no, it's okay. He's deported, I'm safe now," Clare said as she shut her eyes tightly and didn't move her face from its resting spot in Eli's neck.

"I know you are," Eli replied at once.

Clare then felt him deeply exhale and he said, "You're shivering. You should take a hot shower to get warmed up, and you have to get out of these wet clothes," and he moved to stand up, but he stopped when he heard Clare whimpering.

"I don't want to move," she uttered, because she loved being in Eli's arms and she didn't care that it was under such horrible circumstances, she could just…pretend.

"Clare…if you don't get warmed up, you're gonna get really sick. Trust me, I learned about this stuff with the Forces," Eli replied as he stretched to grab a blanket off the couch. He knew it was a new acquisition on his aunt's part, but it was perfect for what he wanted it for: warmth. It was of soft alpaca wool, and Eli draped it over Clare gently, and he ran his fingers down her arm quickly to get her a little more warmed up.

"But I don't want to move," she breathed.

"Does something hurt?" Eli asked in a panic, because he had jumped to conclusions, and he knew that women who might be carrying a baby – should not fall down or even lift heavy things – this was something he had seen his uncle always tell his aunt when she was pregnant.

"No, I'm okay," Clare softly replied as she breathed into the blanket.

"You're shaking so hard your lips are turning purple, and this fireplace is not doing us much. What you need is to get your body warmed up and not in freezing things – please, Clare," Eli pleaded, because he indeed have knowledge that told him how bad it was for Clare to not change the state that she was in.

"Okay, okay," she softly agreed, and very slowly, Eli stood up and carried her into the bathroom, sitting down on the edge of the tub as she still clung to him. Very slowly, he felt her legs unwrap from around his waist, and he made sure to not lower her down to the floor too suddenly. Her blue eyes avoided his gaze as she stood in front of him, shaking like a leaf.

"Clare, please – just gather the strength for this one ten-minute thing, and then it'll be over, okay? Then you can rest and not think about this horrible thing. But I can't help you in the shower, and I don't want to wait ten minutes until I can call someone who can to come over here, you're gonna get sick," Eli pleaded.

"You can't…help me?" Clare asked in a whisper, confusing Eli out of his mind.

"I…here, I'll turn the water on – shampoo and everything is over there," Eli said, pointing to the shower rack and being relieved that his aunt had thought of everything, purchasing some pink shampoo that was clearly for girls, but that was even better, he thought – Clare might like that one better.

"But…just this one last thing, okay, Clare? Then you're done," Eli said, not wanting to use the words 'then you can fall and I'll catch you,' because he thought that cold, icy glaze and demeanour that Clare had after their break-up would take over her entire body at once. And if anything had the power to make him feel seventeen, helpless, and plagued with guilt and feeling like he'd never be good enough to even be allowed a few minutes to talk to her – it was that look.

"You can't….help me?" Clare repeated, staring at him blankly, trance-like.

"Not with the shower. Clare I can't strip you off your clothes and shower with you – that'd be like…rape," Eli whispered.

"Rape?" Clare uttered in disbelief.

"Yeah – doing something to a girl that she doesn't want, when she's all upset – that's rape. It would be…violating your privacy. I can't…I can't…help you, but please, please, you can do this. I'll be right outside when you're done – just as soon as you're done, I'll be right there," Eli pleaded.

"Okay," Clare agreed, the same blank look on her face as she removed her jacket and Eli stepped aside, saying,

"There you go. Okay, perfect. I'm just going to go downstairs and across the street so I can get you some clothes for after".

"I can just…I can borrow some of yours maybe?" Clare said as she looked back at Eli hopefully.

But Jake's words were haunting Eli's mind like a monster threatening to toss it past the line of Eli's conscious control, so he shot her a sad smirk and said,

"I'll get you something you can be comfortable in – you don't have to put on my clothes, I know you wouldn't like that. I'll be back by the time you're done," Eli specified, and Clare's body shook harder.

_He thinks I hate him so much that I couldn't stand to wear a T-shirt of his? _

"Okay," Clare whimpered painfully, and when she reached her arms to her back and the sound of a zipper could be heard, Eli widened his eyes and booked it out of the bathroom at once, panting ever so slightly on the other side. He was much too scared for Clare's well-being right now to let his inevitable feelings overwhelm him – but something about the image of her all wet, literally stripping off her dress made him shiver ever so slightly – and when Jake's words came to mind again, he felt his entire body switch to a powerful shaking. Because the truth of the matter was that Jake had assertively surfaced the monsters that Eli's therapist had spent countless hours getting him to overcome, and they had done so at the worst possible time in Eli's life – when he was already dealing with the trauma of his deployment. Jake had said everything that plagued Eli in his nightmares – outloud, and it had shaken Eli to his very core. Had Eli's therapist been in the grocery store, she would have made Jake stop talking at once – because just like that, so much of her good work was simply undone.

_You have to protect her from yourself. You've messed with her head, Eli. Haven't you done enough? She'll stay only because she'll be afraid of leaving. Next time it'll be her in a car that hits a wall, it'll be her cold, dead body lying six feet under. _

As he walked towards the stores just outside, on the street of his apartment, Jake's voice corrupted Eli's mind so that he headed into an ally and gasped for breath over and over again, remembering all of the techniques that his therapist had taught him because he knew he really needed to be there for Clare. He just felt so tired, however – tired of his guilt and his shame and pain, and he just really wanted his parents now. He took a deep breath and imagined receiving a hug from his dad and a kiss on the forehead from his mom – Bullfrog would tell him that this is nothing he can't handle, and he'd be right, Eli calmly thought, his hands still shaking. His mom would tell him to take care of Clare right now but to watch his heart, because he deserves to protect himself too.

With those thoughts in mind, Eli walked back onto the street just a short ten seconds later, and headed into a store that he had never been into…but it had pyjamas in the display window. But the minute he walked in and was surrounded by lingerie he felt like he had entered another world, one that made him even more uncomfortable then Afghanistan. Why did those girls have to stare so hard?

"Um, are you all right?" he heard a saleswoman's soft voice ask him.

"I need help," Eli said breathlessly, because there was no way he knew what he was doing in here.

"I'll call the forces line Sir, I'm so sorry that someone hurt you, come with me," the saleslady said, fear in her eyes, and only then did Eli realize that he had walked out with blood all over his face and a blood-soaked white army dress shirt.

"Oh, no, no, I'm fine," Eli responded, and he settled for a tissue instead.

"You're Eli…" the saleslady slowly said, "the boy who was captured over in Afghanistan. What happened, why are you all bloody now?" she asked in confusion.

"I just had to defend something, that's it," Eli said, referring to Clare's honor. He then added, "But will you help me please? I need a pair of pyjamas for my…for…ugh…for…a friend, a girl friend – I mean, you know, a female friend," Eli stumbled awkwardly.

"Of course I can. What did you have in mind?" the saleswoman asks with a bright smile.

"It needs to be something respectful, please," Eli said assertively. "And warm and comfortable. Just…something she'll feel cozy and…looked after in," Eli said as his voice broke with panic at the thought of how long this was taking.

"All right. Well we just got this lovely set in from –" the saleswoman began.

"I'm sorry – you're so kind and helpful, but this is a bit of an emergency. My friend is waiting. Really, I trust your judgement," Eli confided in the saleswoman, "please, just choose something and I'll buy it. And she'll need….she's changing so she'll need…" Eli stumbled.

"…lingerie?" the saleswoman logically concluded.

Eli felt the need to repeat, "Please. Something that won't make me look like a jerk – I don't want to send the wrong message. I'm not trying to pull anything on her, and she's not my girlfriend," Eli said as he cast his eyes down at the floor, because he knew he'd be entering dangerous waters if he passed Clare a bag of sexy lingerie and the very last thing he wanted to do was to upset or offend her.

"I understand. How old is she?" the saleswoman asked, because she didn't want to include granny underwear if the girl was young – surely the boy wouldn't want to send that message either, she thought.

"She's twenty," Eli answered. "Please, I'm in a hurry," he said urgently.

"Well, I need to know her size…" the saleswoman said with a raised eyebrow.

"She's about your size…like her waist," Eli answered.

"Do you know her bra size?" the saleswoman said, because it was obvious this boy was clueless as to the information that she'd need.

A deep blush spread across Eli's face as he answered, "Um like…medium-large…somewhere in there?"

"That's not exactly how it works," the saleslady said with a laugh. "Like 34B? 34C? There's numbers and letters involved," she told Eli, who instantly felt overwhelmed.

"I have no idea, that's way beyond my knowledge," he answered, and he didn't think it would be appropriate for him to compare the saleslady's chest to Clare's – but he already knew that it was smaller, because he wanted to be able to give her some sort of place to start.

"Never mind, I'll just pick out a nice cami top, she'll be fine," the saleslady said with a shrug, and Eli had no idea what the word meant, but the sentence implied that Clare would get what she needed, so his heart slowed down just a bit as he saw the sales lady pick out a pair of nice navy, silky pyjama bottoms, a matching little tank top also made out of satin with black lace trim. It was sexy, Eli noticed, but it was…also quite Clare, he thought. Sweet and it had a girlish innocence, and he thought she'd be okay wearing that. He also saw the saleslady pick up a liliac-colored satin robe that came up to about knee level; it had a black satin belt around it, and Eli liked that she had also chosen that; this way Clare could definitely be warm. His eyes widened a little when he saw her move to a table and pick out a pair of black lacy panties, and he moved his gaze away, because something told him he should.

The saleslady neatly packed up all of the items in a pretty bag and placed some tissue paper in it as she added everything up and swiped Eli's credit card; Eli had no idea how much it came out to; his mind was only focused on getting out of there, and it was only twenty days later, when he received his credit card statement that he wondered how he had spent $125 without any recollection of it.

He grabbed the bag, thanked the saleslady profusely, and wiped his hand across his mouth because the blood had begun to flow again, confusing Eli – why was that happening? In the back of his mind, he remembered the German doctor's words about clotting and what he needed to watch for after what had happened with him in the emergency surgery, but none of that mattered right now.

All that mattered was Clare.

If he really was that sick, like the doctor had talked to him about, well…he'd been avoiding death long enough, he thought as he ran back to his apartment. The people who had loved him most had died, and it was hard to lose one after the other.

He opened the door hastily, and when he approached the bathroom door with knock, he noticed that the shower was off.

"Clare? I'm back. You all right in there?" Eli asked softly.

No response.

"Clare? You okay?" Eli repeated, urgency in his voice.

When she still didn't answer, he thought he would lose his mind.

"Clare, say something, or I'm coming in – and I really don't want to do something you're uncomfortable with," he explained.

Still nothing.

"Damn it, Clare," Eli muttered under his breath as he pushed the door open.

His heart broke at the sight in front of him, and he ran to her side because the entire thing deeply unnerved him.

"God, Clare," Eli softly said as he kneeled beside her on the floor – she had a towel wrapped around her body, but she was lying down on the cold tile floor, her face against her united palms beside the bathtub, staring into space as if she wasn't aware of anything around her. The way her body was folded in upon itself further confirmed Eli's assumption that someone had hurt her, hurt her badly, and now she was coming undone as her mind attempted to process that trauma.

"You're okay, you're okay," Eli softly whispered to her, over and over again as he lifted her up off of the cold tile floor, making sure to keep the thin red towel that was covering her bare body tightly wrapped around her. He pulled her into his arms, and he leaned against the edge of his bathtub as Clare clung tightly to him, bring her knees up to her chest and sobbing deeply.

"Shh. I got you, I got you. It's okay. It might not seem that way now, but I promise you, we're gonna make it okay," he said gently as he pushed her wet curls out of her face. It was killing him that she wasn't speaking – he'd give anything for her to smile, even to yell at him and tell him what a heartless monster he was – anything but this numbness, because Eli recognized that numbness from his own experiences and he knew how dangerous it was.

She didn't seem to be getting any better despite all of his efforts – only worse, and Eli reached his arm to the towel rack and grabbed a smaller black towel and began patting dry the exposed areas of her translucent skin – her neck, her shoulders, her arms, and from her knees down. Clare closed her eyes as Eli was taking such good care of her, and all that her mind could process at the moment was to stay with him, because everything would be okay if he would be there. Her sobs were so wild that Eli's heart raced in a panic as to what to do – she was in such a frenzy that he knew that she was headed for a panic attack soon.

"Clare…Clare…shh. It's okay. Why…tell me why you're crying so hard," he finally said. "Why did I find you lying on the floor like that…I have a couch and a bed and everything just outside that door," he argued.

Clare's voice was hoarse and scratchy after all of her tears, and it was weak and shaking with the intonation of fear.

"I…I thought you left," she squeaked out, holding onto Eli so tight that he knew she was leaving marks on his skin.

"I just went to get you something to change into," Eli said, "remember, just like I said?" and he moved the bag that he had dropped on his way into the bedroom so it was resting at Clare's side.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, Clare, it took so long because I'm no shopper, but of course I came back. I'm sorry I left though, I'm sorry," Eli softly said as he rocked Clare slowly, back and forth and back and forth, trying to establish a rhythm that she could follow with her breathing.

"I thought you left me...to teach me a lesson, to show me how it feels to be…abandoned when you're scared and…when you need someone," Clare whispered, and Eli's heart dropped.

"No," he softly said, "No, Clare – I wasn't doing that. I'd never do that," he added as he rested one of his arms around her waist in order to fix the towel so it wouldn't fall off her body. Clare's hand immediately flew to Eli's and kept his arm around her waist when he was about to pull it away.

"I know you wouldn't," she replied, and she pulled out of Eli's embrace just a little, looking up at him with large, doe eyes full of pain, and guilt and shame.

"Shh. Shh. Don't…don't talk about that night. You did everything right that night – look at me, Clare. Say it. Say it after me," Eli insisted.

"But it's wrong," Clare replied.

"No," Eli replied categorically. "I was messed up and leaving me was the right thing to do. I'm just so sorry that I let it get that far. But it was the right thing to do. Say it, Clare. Say it," Eli urged, and she could tell how important it was to him, so she softly said,

"Okay," leaving it at just that.

Eli began patting her dry all over again, as her curls were getting her neck and shoulders constantly wet, and Clare rested back into his embrace at the sensation of the towel's soft bristles making contact with her skin – it felt so gentle and so soft, so….Eli.

When she began softly crying again, Eli feared she would be headed for that panic attack after all.

"Clare…he's gone. He's gone, you know. Col. Stevenson is a man with connections in high places – he's never stepping foot in any English-speaking country again, that much I can guarantee. You're safe, I promise. Especially here. I'm not going to let anyone or anything hurt you," Eli said, and Clare felt his chest shake at those words.

"Can I stay here tonight?" she whimpered.

"Of course. You can stay here as long as you want, any time you want," Eli replied at once.

Clare then moved her arm to reach across Eli's far shoulder, and when she did so, she felt a cold drop fall onto it.

"Sorry, sorry," Eli said, and he immediately pressed the black towel to her skin and cleaned up the bit of blood that had fallen onto her pale white skin.

"You're bleeding," she said with a jolt, and only now did she notice that blood was all over that side of Eli's face…fresh blood, and a lot of it.

"Sorry," Eli repeated awkwardly.

"Why are you bleeding again?" Clare asked in horror, because something about that didn't strike her as right.

"It's okay," Eli simply replied, grabbing another towel and wiping his face clean. He didn't like how quickly the towel became soaked with blood, and he was beginning to feel really light-headed as well…just like the German doctor had cautioned.

"Eli….something's wrong," Clare whispered, her entire body shaking.

"Nothing is wrong," Eli categorically said. "I'm just a little bruised up from my tour of duty, it's okay," he insisted, and he then re-interpreted Clare's words.

He took a deep breath and he adjusted Clare in his lap, secured her towel around her even tighter and gave her a squeeze before softly saying,

"Clare…tell me what's making you so worried," being quite sure that he knew the answer already.

"How did everything get…so messed up?" Clare whispered shakily, as she hid her face in Eli's neck and watched his Adam's apple move up and down through teary eyes as he spoke.

"You'll fix it," he replied in a split second. "Take it from someone who knows – it gets better. All the people who love you are going to help you, and there'll be a light at the end of the tunnel".

"Eli…the things Lorenzo said about me –" Clare began, her cheeks flaming with embarrassment.

"I don't believe any of them for one second," Eli replied categorically, and Clare's heart soared when she heard his perfect confidence.

"Eli…I just want you to know that…that person he was describing…I don't even know that person. I'm not that person," Clare whined painfully, the memories of her behaviour tormenting her.

"I know that, Clare, trust me – no one knows that better than me," Eli replied as he ran his hand soothingly up and down Clare's arm.

"But…I don't know why I am anymore. Am I the girl who jumps into bed with her boyfriends because they say they love me, yet they see an expiry date on our relationship the entire time?" Clare asked, and her words felt like a bullet in his heart. If there was one thing that had the power to completely make him lose his mind, it was jerks who took advantage of how powerfully Clare wanted to see the best in everyone and take advantage of her and…do that with her.

"Am I the girl who needs boyfriend after boyfriend in validation while I alienate my best friends? Am I the girl who…is the other woman? Who is the mistress in a marriage? Eli…I did something bad with a married guy…I don't even know who I've become. I almost got kicked out of school…and…that was me, Eli, me who was the other woman behind a…marriage," Clare said, and Eli could practically feel her broken heart.

"No," he said assertively as he gave her an encouraging squeeze, "No, it doesn't count. It's not like that, Clare. You didn't know. The only guilty person is that evil jerk, Clare. He knew what he was doing - and trust me, Lorenzo's marriage will always be plagued by infidelity. The Italian troops, Clare…they always went out on the town – even the married ones, and…they had casual sex, like every night on leave…even the married ones. Clare – he deceived you, and he's scum. He's scum, and that's all there is to it. You are _not_ guilty of anything. Don't say that – ever again," Eli told her, and Clare rewarded him with a soft smile that made his heart leap.

"But…I've done so many bad things," Clare whispered in horror.

"No, you haven't," Eli insisted. "And a few mistakes don't make someone a bad person. It just makes them a little around. But the important thing is what they do after they realize they want to change," Eli said, and he felt Clare's hand graze down his arm.

"Eli…you're a hero, you know," Clare said, because his words had made her think of something.

"I really wish everyone would stop saying that," Eli said with a deep exhale. "Anyone in the forces would have done the same. None of us would have blabbed," he says with authority.

Clare then shook her head, the movement of her wet strands of hair across her bare skin captivating Eli.

"No, I don't mean just that. Before, Eli – how you always…looked out for me, even from a distance. How you came looking for me at the cabin, how you moved to the other end of the country so I could stay at U of T, how you wrote grants that let soldiers have peace of mind, how you made sure their families were well looked after, how you survived, how…you saved me all over again tonight," Clare said softly as she ran her finger up and down Eli's arm.

"I…I'm not a hero. I'm just a writer, and sometimes a soldier," Eli shrugged.

"But you are, Eli. You are. You're a hero," Clare said with a soft smile, before tearing up all over again.

She felt Eli begin to towel dry her curls, and he could feel his body tremble as he asked,

"Clare…what happened? Why are you crying so hard?"

"I just…I've just been a stupid girl," Clare answered.

"Eli…I did things; I used you and hurt you and all I ever cared about was boyfriends who were never serious about me. Who never wanted to be together for anything other than fun; and…I lost myself trying to keep relationships together that were…a joke. I was a joke, turns out I was a joke," Clare cried, burrowing deeper into Eli's embrace.

She felt his entire body tense as he said, "You're not a joke. You are not a joke. Never," and he softly rocked her.

"I did things that went against everything I ever believed in," Clare started, and Eli just gave her a warm look and pushed her wet curls behind her ears.

"I…lied to my mom; hid things from her for so long; I…neglected my studies; I embarrassed myself at the university, walking out of Lorenzo's office all flushed, and I let boys do things to me…and I did them back. I found myself practically naked in their beds, letting them…do things, and…coming to please them whenever they called," Clare said, and she literally felt Eli's entire body become overcome by a deep tension, and she saw his eyes glaze over for a second, his entire spirit looking so…crushed.

She regretted letting so many things spill, but none of it felt like it was under her control.

"And the worst part was that…after the first time…I liked it. I _wanted_ to do it. I'm a –" Clare painfully sobbed before Eli interrupted her.

"You're not. I don't want to hear you say something like that ever again. Those guys were your boyfriends," Eli said, and Clare all of a sudden absolutely hated that she had had three boyfriends since her time with Eli while he had focused on getting his life together and making everyone else around him happy.

Eli continued, "You shouldn't feel guilty; they were boys who made you happy and who you loved. Maybe…maybe you don't like, everything that you did with them, but they were the pigs that took advantage. Here's the thing, Clare – guys can tell when a girl is responding or not. Like, really easily. And if she's hesitating, or if there's the smallest flicker of doubt – you're supposed to stop. Because that girl has feelings and emotions, and isn't just…a body to use to make yourself feel good. Guys will say crap like they got carried away or whatever – but they know. They know, deep down inside. It's really easy to tell if a girl is really responding, and I personally think that if you don't stop, then, yeah, you _are_ raping her. Something happened to you, Clare, I can tell," Eli deadpanned, making Clare's heart sink.

Eli then said, "And I know it wasn't with Jake because he does care for you," and Clare laughed bitterly.

"Sure he does – but…Eli…I almost had sex with him. I was so naïve – thinking Jake ever saw me as more than his girlfriend-of-the-present. And you know what? I think he expected me to be like…grateful that he wasn't doing friends with benefits with other girls. Even though he kissed Alli at the cabin," Clare said in anger.

Eli nodded slowly in understanding. "Hence the running away into the forest," finally getting the complete picture.

"And, oh God, Eli," Clare said as her chest heaved, "I…I sneaked him into my bed – my bed, Eli!" Clare said, and only now did she see how much she was hurting Eli – his eyes were getting red and shiny.

"Go on," he breathed.

"It just…I feel like I'm watching a different person, now, thinking back on all of that. And I…wanted so badly for him to love me as much as I loved him," she said, and she felt Eli let out a deep exhale at those words. "But…while I saw forever, he only saw…that night and maybe the next day, whenever it stopped being new and exciting and whenever our parents would finally found out – which happened to be that same night, as my mom literally walked into my room to find me on top of him…only in my bra, his hand up my dress," Clare said, having all control of her filter.

Eli's entire body was limp now, but his eyes stared fixedly at Clare. "Go on," he said, wanting to get to the part where whatever had happened had happened.

"Well, I…I lost my mind, Eli. When I dated John, I had practically no rules – he got whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted, and I let him take off my bra and touch me as he pleased. With Lorenzo…he always made me feel bad that I was younger, and…I ended up one garment away from being naked in his bed in London at a conference, and then he-" Clare said tearfully, as she felt Eli's entire body jolt.

"Okay. Okay, I get it. I can't…I can't…enough now. Enough," he said, breathing deeply. "I can't…please don't say it. Just don't say it. Please. Please. I get it," he said urgently.

Clare then felt Eli wrap his arm around her waist tighter and he slid down a little along the floor before he said,

"Clare, if…what we ever had meant the slightest thing to you – then you'll answer the question I'm going to ask you honestly. It's all I ask," Eli said softly, and Clare stared at him in wonder, but nodded.

She then felt Eli inhale deeply and his hand came to a gentle rest on her stomach as she whispered, "Do you need a doctor? I can get you the best one – the Forces doctor, and I swear I could do it with 100% confidentiality – off the books. We can get a female one, but just tell me, okay? Please," he begged as Clare saw a shiny film of tears in his eyes.

"What?" she asked in confusion.

"And…I can help. With whatever you want. As much as you want me to," and when she felt his hand move a little to the left along her stomach, she gasped in realization.

"Eli! I'm not pregnant!" and she felt Eli's entire body deflate in relief as he let out a deep breath.

"I can't believe you thought that," she reproached him.

"Well…you're crying so hard, and…my mom always said there's only one reason girls cry that hard. And…all that stuff about your boyfriends, I just thought…something had happened," Eli defended himself.

"Oh," Clare softly said.

"Eli…" she continued, looking right into his eyes as her fingers tightly gripped his shoulders, "I might…I might have done…bad things with those guys, I might have let them…use me, and I might have come awfully close, but…it never got that far," she said, and she saw Eli raise an eyebrow at her.

She then softly said, "I'm a virgin, Eli," making everything as clear as possible.

Clare watched with amused eyes as a slow, pleased smirk slowly spread across Eli's face, and he lost control of his inhibitions for a minute, and he gently brought her body closer to his and pressed his lips to her forehead tightly. Clare shivered at the feel of his lips against her skin, and she wished for the moment to never end. She knew that…Eli liked that she had at least kept her virginity, and the fact that it was this that he gave her a small kiss on the forehead for meant the world to Clare.

It told her more than any words could have on…how different Eli was from the other boys in her life.

How truly unique and special he was; something that she needed years of more average boys to truly value.

She reveled in the feel of his lips against her forehead and breathed in his scent, not moving her head even when Eli's kiss had come to an end. When he noticed, he delivered a few more small kisses to her forehead before she finally pulled away.

His voice was barely above a whisper as he said, "I love who you are, Clare, just for the record. Enough of this different-Clares theory. You're you, and I wouldn't change one thing about you. You're perfect – you always have been. God…God's looking down on you and smiling, Clare. He's saving you for someone so special…and once you meet him, it will be so wonderful and so right and you won't even remember all us jerks who messed with you. He's saving you for that amazing guy who will treat you as wonderfully as you deserve to be treated," Eli said, his eyes teary and Clare teared up herself at his words, and panicked at the end of his statement.

Eli toweled dry her neck and shoulders one more time as he softly added, "Perfect. Absolutely perfect. I wouldn't change one thing about you – I wouldn't change on hair on your head," Eli said with a deep exhale and a shaking of his chest.

"Eli – what is that?" Clare then whispered, the wind being knocked out of her breath at the sight that was forming behind Eli's white uniform dress shirt.

"Damn it," Eli muttered, seeing a lot of blood soaking through the white shirt. "I don't want to get it on you, and you should change. Um, the girl at the store picked everything out, but if you don't like it, well, the only other thing I have are my clothes," he said.

"Eli…why is this happening? What's going on?" Clare asked in horror.

"Nothing, just a few battle wounds, that's all," he dismissed.

"Eli…you were at that German hospital for three weeks. This _shouldn't _be happening," Clare added.

"It's fine," Eli said, trying to reassure himself as much as Clare.

"It won't stop!" Clare exclaimed, and Eli was horrified that he was scaring her, so hanging onto her towel, he raised both of their bodies off the floor and grabbed a white towel and pressed it to his side to absorb the blood, biting back the painful cry that he wanted to let out at the contact.

"Eli…" Clare whispered as she looked him up and down. He was so much more…army-like. His shoulders were broader, he had a toned body, and his entire face was a little sunburned. But…she didn't understand what was happening to him; there was the first the bleeding out of his nose so long after the fight, and now this…something was wrong, she was afraid.

"It's really nothing," he stubbornly replied. "But you should get changed before you catch a cold – please, tell me if the clothes fit, I'm just going to change my shirt too," he said and Clare nodded, because she noticed his discomfort – and the white towel was a bloody red by now.

Once Eli left the bathroom, she let out a few painful sobs at Eli's thoughtfulness – he had bought her a complete set of change of clothes – and such nice, comfortable, and warm pyjamas. She blushed slightly when she realized that despite the fact that a females saleslady had picked everything out, Eli would still know what…everything that she would be wearing looked like, and she found herself hoping that Eli had imagined her in just the panties and the cami top. She had let all of those other undeserving boys see her in much less and grope her and have their way with her to a certain extent, while the most Eli and her had shared was a series of kisses, and he had never complained. Not once. Not once did he pressure her, and he was nothing but a perfect gentleman at times when he obviously would have liked to go further.

She slid the panties and cami top on, not minding that she didn't have a bra to change into – the top had one of those thin ones on the inside, and she also had the silk robe, which she put on. The change of clothes and shower had done wonders for the way that she felt – Eli had been right, and he had so patiently towel dried her hair as well; she felt perfect, more loved and looked after than she had in years.

When she quietly stepped out of the bathroom and couldn't see Eli in the living room, she headed for the bedroom, and opened the door discreetly, to see Eli with his back to her, now wearing a long sleeved grey shirt that he was slipping something under, and she could hear a slight groan of pain.

"You okay?" she asked as she took another step in, and she saw Eli jolt in surprise, his hands emerging from under the grey shirt and she could now see that he had been holding a roll of adhesive bandages and some type of…lotion bottle? She didn't know what it was, but both those things had the army Red Cross logo on them.

"Woah, didn't see you there," he replied with a terribly red face. "Clothes okay?" he asked.

"They're perfect," Clare asserted as she ran her hands down the smooth satin material. "I've never had such nice pyjamas," she complimented.

She loved that Eli rewarded her with a small smirk before he said, "I'm glad. Credit goes to the lady at the store though. You look so pretty, you know," he burst out before he could help himself.

"Thanks," Clare replied with a coy look and a pink blush that made Eli's smirk even wider.

She then took a step towards him and her blue eyes became full of fear as she said, "Eli…what are you doing?"

"Just…changing a bandage, that's all," he lied.

"What's that bottle?" Clare asked.

"It's nothing, it's just…" Eli said, but Clare took it out of his hands in a flash.

"_Glue stitches?_" Clare read.

"Just a trick I picked up on the job," Eli responded with a shrug.

"Eli…what were you operated on for in Germany? I thought it was your leg," Clare asked, scared.

"It was, they just did some other stuff – you know surgeons, always wanna cut," he attempted to joke, but Clare wasn't joking.

"What…other stuff?" Clare pursued.

"I just had this thing they had to take care of," Eli replied.

"Eli…" Clare sighed.

"It's not a big deal, just this blood clotting thing," he finally gave in.

"Your blood has trouble clotting?" Clare asked in fear, because her grandfather had been a cardiologist and she knew this was not a light-hearted issue.

"Um, just a little. But I just broke my stitches, that's it. But I fixed them – with that handy dandy little trick," Eli replied with a shrug.

"Because…you were holding me?" Clare asked in fear.

"No. Absolutely not. No," Eli lied.

"Does it hurt?" Clare then inquired.

"No, can't feel it," Eli lied again.

"Eli…what did they do to you? When…when they had you? The Taliban? It was just the one night, right?" Clare asked with tears in her eyes.

"Please don't cry," Eli said at once. "Just tried to ask me some questions, that's all," he said with a small smirk.

In that moment, Clare realized that her mom had been right. Eli…was afraid of sharing things with her. The secrecy with his injuries, this blood condition that he had, what he had suffered…he felt like he couldn't share his troubles with her, and Clare absolutely hated this. They had always worked through their problems together, and now…she knew Eli had every reason not to trust her. And…it was bad. Really bad. He wasn't willing to share anything, and she couldn't blame him.

He was, as always, carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders.

He was, as always…punishing himself.

"Eli…tell me," Clare insisted.

"I don't really like talking about it," Eli replied, echoing the same response that hundreds of boys gave to that question, and Clare knew that her grandpa was among one of them.

"Please, Eli…for me," Clare said, dealing Eli a card that he never could refuse.

"Like I said, they just…tried to get me to talk," he repeated.

"That's why they shot your leg – to keep you alive," Clare realized as Eli slowly nodded.

"What did they do?" Clare said, sheer terror in her voice.

"Nothing…I mean, just…things," Eli replied.

"Please tell me," Clare replied in frustration, and she regretted her harsh tone when she saw Eli flinch.

She then decided to try a different approach, so she shakily whispered, "Did they…water board you?" and Eli nodded with his eyes tightly shut.

"Oh God," Clare painfully exclaimed. "What…what does it feel like?" she asked.

"Um, like you're drowning. It tricks your body into thinking you're drowning, convulsions and such," he whispered.

"Okay, come on, enough, let me make you some dinner," Eli proposed, but Clare stepped in front of the door.

"What else?" she demanded.

"Nothing else," Eli replied.

"Don't you lie to me," Clare retorted. "Did they…hit you?" she asked, and Eli nodded once again, closing his eyes.

"Did they…God, Eli, what else?" Clare asked.

"Clare, enough. It's over now," he pointed out.

"What else did they do?" she screamed hysterically.

"They… gave me –" Eli faltered.

"What?" Clare asked.

"Heroin," Eli deadpanned, and Clare gasped in shock. "So…I was shot, right? Which hurt – like a lot. So they used it as a painkiller so I could be somewhat conscious," Eli said, his eyes still tightly shut.

"Did they…do anything…I read that…they…do degrading…sexual acts," she whispered.

"No, thank God. Nothing like that," Eli replied and Clare breathed a sigh of relief.

"What else?" she demanded.

"Clare…it's really hard for me to talk about this," Eli said.

"Almost finished, just tell me the rest," she pushed.

"I…I just have some cuts and burn marks, that's all. Okay, I can't. No more. No more," he said categorically, and Clare sensed that he had reached a limit, so she just stepped forward to embrace him in a hug, but her heart sunk when he took a step back, bumping into his desk.

"I'll bleed through your pretty robe," he said, sounding just a bit ashamed.

"Eli…I can't believe what you're been through. I wish…I wish you had never gone," she said tearfully.

"I don't," Eli replied in a second.

"Why not?" Clare asked sweetly.

"Because I had a job to do. Just like all my friends in the Forces. Everyone helps. Standing strong together – there's strength in numbers. I went abroad as a Canadian solider, and I'll always be a Canadian solider," Eli said with determination in his voice, and Clare could see just how commitment Eli was to…everything that he put his mind to.

"Come on," he softly said, and he led her into the kitchen, and settled her onto the couch under a blanket, TV remote in her hand and completely banned her from helping with dinner.

Clare slid in between the many soft pillows on the couch and began watching a movie that Eli casually commented on as she prepared the meal, and just in that simple dialogue, both of them felt like they had never been apart.

"Dinner is served," Eli then quickly announced, laying out the pretty plates his aunt had left him.

Clare slowly got up, being just a bit drowsy, and she gasped at the meal Eli had prepared.

"I had no idea you know how to cook," she said with a smile as she looked at the Mediterranean chicken, penne pasta and garden salad.

"Had to learn," Eli said with a shrug of his shoulders, and Clare's heart ached that meant…at seventeen, after Cece and Bullfrog's death. When Eli had been left all alone.

"Eli…I miss Cece and Bullfrog," she softly whispered as she looked over at their wedding photo on the mantelpiece.

"Me too. Me too," Eli softly replied as he looked down at the floor.

"They'd be so proud of you," Clare added with a soft smile.

"That means a lot, especially coming from you, Clare. Thank you," he emphatically said as he poured Clare a glass of berry juice.

"I'm sorry – I know you like wine these days, but I didn't keep any alcohol in my place while involved with the army – sort of a quirk," Eli said.

Clare walked right up to him and took the glasses out of his hand and said, "I love it. It's perfect. I only drank wine to try to look older to Lorenzo," she shamefully admitted. "I love this berry juice," she added with a smile. "So much better".

Eli flashed her a smirk and they sat down to eat, music playing from Eli's iDock in the background. Clare asked Eli about his book deal over dinner, and he told her he wasn't even sure that he was going to do it yet, and she filled him in on her schoolwork at u of T, staying clear of the Lorenzo subject because she liked having a meal with Eli, feeling like they were the only people in the entire city of Toronto in that moment, cozy in his warm apartment, with a great dinner and great music.

"Guests of honor don't do dishes," Eli teased when Clare offered to help, and she couldn't win that battle at all, and the stress of the day had gotten to her, so she retreated back to her spot on the couch, her eyes closing ever so slightly as she sneaked peeks at Eli. She thought she saw him stop dish duty a few times and she didn't like that it looked like he was doubled over in pain, but he always seemed to recover rather quickly.

She wasn't sure when she fell asleep, but she soon felt a pair of strong arms lift her up from the couch and carry her to Eli's bedroom, and had those arms been of any other boy, Clare would have been scared, Darcy's parting words being in her mind.

But she smiled softly at Eli when he laid her down on the bed gently, and when she took off her robe, remaining only in her cami top, she couldn't help but like that Eli definitely stared at her for a minute before snapping out of his mini-trance. She laid her smooth brown curls down on the skull pillow and comfortably burrowed into the soft bed – it smelled like Eli, and Clare loved that; his scent was enveloping her, it was everywhere all around her. She saw Eli raise the heavy feather comforter over her, and he tucked her in and Clare's wish of a forehead kiss came true without her having to voice it.

"Sweet dreams," Eli softly whispered, and through sleepy lids, she saw him turn around and look at her one last time before the left the room. She wanted to stay awake a little longer, but sleep overtook her in just a matter of mere minutes.

Eli, however, was not as lucky.

His mind was a wild flurry of thoughts, and he hated himself for not being stronger.

He had kissed her – on the forehead, but nonetheless- twice.

Twice.

She was asleep in his bed, and yes, she was in safe, but what Jake had said tortured Eli to the point where he tossed and turned on the couch as he held the phone in his hands, opened his stitches yet again, and fixed them yet again, staying shirtless because he didn't want to return to his sticky, bloody T-shirt. He knew what was happening – he had been warned – but the truth of the matter was that he simply did not care.

It was 8pm – Clare had been so exhausted that she had gone to sleep immediately, and Eli technically hadn't slept in 21 hours – when he carried Clare into his apartment, it was his first time home.

He still knows the number, so he dials it, and he swears that if Jake answers he's not going to demand that he put Clare's mom on the phone and not say anything else.

It's Helen who answered, however, and Eli breathed in relief – even though Helen Edwards surely hates him too, he thinks.

"Hello?" she said.

"Miss Ed-uh I mean Martin, it's Eli, Eli Goldsworthy, Clare's friend from Degrassi," he says, using all the identifies because it's been a long time since he had been at Clare's home to give her the U of T job folder, and surely Helen has forgotten all about him, he thinks.

"Eli!" she exclaims joyfully, surprising Eli at once. "Of course I know it's you, recognized you from 'hello'. Welcome home! I'm so glad you're okay, God answered my prayers," he then heard Helen say and had a pink alien come down from the sky, he couldn't have been more surprised.

"Wow, thank you, ma'am. I'm okay, don't worry. But I'm calling about Clare," he replied, obvious worry in his voice.

"She's with you, isn't she? She left hours ago," Clare's mom replied, just as worried.

"She is – and she's okay, and I just wanted to call you and tell you she's asleep here," Eli said.

"Excuse me?" Helen screamed into the phone.

"Oh, no, no – nothing inappropriate," Eli replied at once, cursing himself mentally.

"Eli Goldsworthy, you will explain to me why my daughter is in your bed," Helen strictly said, wondering if she had perhaps been wrong about Eli all along.

"Because her boyfriend hit her! And she needed a safe place to come to, and she asked, and I wasn't about to turn her away," Eli quickly, but calmly said.

"What?" Helen whispered in horror, and Eli explained everything in detail.

"So he's deported?" Helen asked at the end of Eli's story, wanting to be clear on that point.

"I assure you that he is never stepping foot inside any English-speaking country again, and if he does, it's immediately reported to CSIS, and I swear that I will find him - and kill him," Eli said in a flash.

"Eli," Helen breathed, overwhelmed at all of the news. "Thank you," she added.

"She's okay, Mrs Edwards – sorry, I mean –" Eli stumbled.

"Eli, it's all right, I never changed my name legally, go on, call me Mrs Edwards, it's my daughter's name," she kindly said.

"Sorry," Eli said, "I did everything I could think of. She's safe here, and she ate well at dinner and she's warm and…I did everything I could think of. She's safe. Anything happens, and I mean…I'm a solider, after all. She's well…" Eli trailed off.

"She's well-protected, I know, Eli, I know. She's with you," Helen stated as if it was plain as day.

She wondered why Eli didn't reply.

"I'm really glad you called me," Helen sighed.

"You're her mom. You should know where she is," Eli replied.

"My poor baby. I can't believe what that monster did," Helen said.

"Trust me, had my Col. not stopped me, he wouldn't be alive," Eli said with a scoff.

"Well, all right then, Eli. Just one more thing. Please be careful with my daughter – don't – "Helen hesitated.

"Miss Edwards," Eli softly said, "I know what you're thinking. And I assure you I don't _that _casually, and there is no way I would take advantage of Clare that way. I'm not the one she's going to marry, and it is not our wedding night. I don't know what I can say to fully calm your worries, but…I'd never do that to her," Eli finished.

"I know you wouldn't, Eli. But I'm a mom. I worry; it's what we do," Helen replied.

"I know," Eli replied, his voice dripping with pain which Helen picked up and her heart ached for this boy who had been on his own since 17.

"Please tell Clare to call me in the morning," Helen finally permitted.

"I will, ma'am. Thank you for trusting me," Eli said gratefully.

"I'm trusting you with the most precious thing in my life, Eli," Helen added.

"I know that," Eli replied. "But your daughter is also the most precious thing in mine; even if she's not in it. She'll call you in the morning," Eli said before Helen and him said their good-byes and Helen was left shaking her head on the other end of the line.

The things Eli had told her on the phone revealed two things in her opinion.

Clare hadn't talked to him yet - but given what had happened in the day, that was understandable.

The second was that Eli was still deeply in love with Clare; but now things had changed. He thought he was unworthy of her love, and Helen wondered if Clare could convince him otherwise. She noticed Jake staring at her as she put the phone down, so she simply said,

"Clare's staying at a friend's tonight," and she saw Jake simply nod before he headed up to his room.

Something seemed suspicious to her, but she just shrugged off – Jake was never one for many words, she reflected.

XXXXXXXXXX

Eli's entire body was shaking violently, every muscle being subject to painful tremors as he stood up and realized that he not only was sweating profusely in the spare bedroom, in the bed that Adam had slept in, but that he had also wet the bed. He groaned and felt like a ridiculous little boy as he began the clean-up process; he did the laundry, had a shower, redid his stitches – they were getting inflamed and painful now, fantastic. This had only occurred once before, the first night he had been at Ada's, and he wasn't exactly sure where he was. The doctor told him all about it once back on base; apparently it was common with PTSD and nightmares.

But it had never happened to him in such a long time. However, he had also never dreamed what he had dreamt of last night.

He dreamt that he had just as Jake said, crashed Morty with Clare in the passenger seat. He saw her dead, lifeless body, and many other gruesome images as Jake's voice ran loud and clear in his mind, and all of a sudden he woke up in that awful state. He checked on her right away- his breathing didn't calm down until he saw peacefully sleeping, looking like the most beautiful thing on the planet.

Then he cleaned up and sat on the couch in the living room, but every time that he would fall asleep, the images would come up again. He couldn't do this; he felt like he was actually killing her, and he knew he would have a heart attack tonight if things kept going like this.

So he just slept in his desk chair, because he could hear her steady breathing this way…this way he knew she was fine.

However, having gone to bed at 8pm, Clare woke up at 3am, and she just smiled when she saw a sleeping Eli in her room – not really knowing why he had changed; he was wearing a pair of black sweats and a green shirt with the armed forces logo on its sleeve. But the position that he was in looked like the most uncomfortable thing in the world; cramped in that wooden chair, how could he possibly sleep? Clare noticed with a frown that there was a blood stain on his shirt – another one! And in a different place than the other one…what was Eli hiding behind his shirts?

She got out of bed, grateful that Eli had turned the heat up so the change from bed to floor didn't faze her, and she slowly approached him, running her fingers through his hair and wanting so badly to kiss him.

"Clare, I'm right here," he said sleepily, and she giggled, loving that he was dreaming…of here.

"Come here, Eli," she said as she boldly straddled his lap, and she saw his green eyes open sleepily.

"Clare?" he said, widening them at once. He then flushed about ten different shades of red as he added, "I'm sorry, I was just checking on you and I must have dozed off in here".

"Not acceptable, solider," she said in a playful tone.

"I know, I'm sor-" Eli began, but she gently interrupted him.

"Shh," and she held a finger up to his lips. "I was just kidding. Eli…come into your bed," she softly whispered, looking right at him.

"No, you go back to bed, I'll go back to the spare room," he said categorically.

"Eli…no…both of us…stay with me just for a few more hours until dawn, please," Clare said as she pushed his bangs back, making Eli release a surprised gasp.

"Clare…I can't do that," he repeated.

"But you can…I want to, Eli, and I know you want to too. Will you…let me stay with you, hold me, and look after me…the way a husband looks after a wife?" Clare whispered sleepily, and Eli had to move her off his lap because he knew he couldn't take the way her fingers were roaming through her hair any longer.

He lowered her onto the bed gently and when he saw her softly crying, he panicked.

"Clare…I can't do the things a husband and wife do in a bed with you. We're not married, and…I don't want to ruin the few good memories of what we had. Not like this, Clare. It's not your wedding night, and…that memory should be…Clare, you deserve the best. The absolute best. And that is not with me, and not like this," Eli categorically said.

"I don't want to do that…I just want you to hold me, but I'm…an unlovable monster. Lorenzo was right – I'm a whore," Clare said, and Eli's heart sank.

"That is NOT true," Eli said, and he instantly scooted in next to her, pulling her onto his lap and he softly stroked his hair. "Clare Edwards, I don't even want to hear you say that again. We already went over this, remember?" he told her.

"I…I…I need you, Eli," she whispered.

"I'm right here. And I'm not going anywhere," he said urgently, giving her a tight squeeze as Clare adjusted the blankets outside of their embrace.

"Can we talk? In the morning?" Clare asked, hopefully.

"We need to talk, but…this – right here – is the largest role that I can have in your life, Clare. I'll always be here when you need me. My house will always be a safe haven for you, and you can always call me, and I'll be there as fast as humanly – or militarily – possible. But…that's it. Can't be more than that," Eli cautioned.

"Shh. Shh. Just sleep okay?" Clare asked sleepily, running her hands through Eli's hair again. She then ran them down his arms, and she felt him lightly shudder.

"Does it hurt if I stay in your arms like this?" she asked in a whisper as she leads their bodies into cuddling position.

"Not at all," Eli replied. "But my stitches might break…I don't want to get blood on you, I couldn't stand the sight of blood on you," Eli says as Clare actually feels his heartbeat pick up in fear.

She understands why he is acting this way - he's so scared of hurting her and…he's been through so much trauma that she understands, so she runs to the bathroom and picks up a large towel and folds it between their bodies because she knows Eli won't be able to sleep if he's worried.

He flashes her a small smile and she draws his arms around her, intertwining their fingers when he's already asleep, because she knows he's holding back and there's no way he would permit this if he was conscious.

She knows tomorrow morning she will have to make a very convincing case for their relationship.

But she wants to fight for it.

Like her grandpa had told her when he had explained to her late one night when he was explaining why he chose to go war – some things are well worth fighting for.

Life makes love look hard, she knew now, but love was worth fighting for. Because Eli…he loved forever.

XXXXXXXXXXX

It doesn't start well. He's having none of it – simply none of it.

"No, Clare. I'm not gonna do that to you," he says over and over again as he faces her as they still sit on the bed, but now far apart from each other. The towel did become a little bloody overnight, and Clare thinks…that's a lot of blood that Eli's lost now.

"Do what – make me happy?" she pushes.

"You won't be happy with me," he replies.

"Eli – it's different now. It's different. You're better, and I'm not…blind," she insists.

"Clare – bipolar is forever," he says, sounding so perfectly disappointed.

"You…can manage it better than I can manage my own life," she points out.

"You don't want me – not some dulled, PTSD, bipolar dude. You're overwhelmed, you just broke up with someone…I can't be your rebound," Eli counters.

"That's not who you are, Eli," she pushes.

"Add heroin taker too," he meanly says.

"Eli – do you love me?" she plainly asks.

"Clare," he breathes, and she knows that he's calling foul.

"I…I need to give you something," he says, and Clare sees him walk over to a green duffel bag and pull out a rectangular blue velvet box.

"What's this?" she asks, a little confused.

"Open it," is all Eli says.

Clare opens the jewellery box to reveal the most unique necklace and ring that she has ever seen. She actually has never seen anything even similar.

"Oh my God…these are so beautiful," she breathes.

"They…I got them in Qatar on my way back to Toronto. It's a replica of these famous jewels that the Crown Prince of Saudi Arabia gave to Princess Diana when she visited," he explains.

"Eli…I've never seen anything like this in my life," she breathes, because born and raised in Toronto, Clare simply hadn't had a chance to observe any Arab jewellery, and it truly was something out of a different world.

"You got these…for me?" Clare asks.

"I couldn't help it," Eli shyly explains. "You're Diana," he says meaningfully, and Clare asks him to put the ring on her finger himself, which Eli takes more pleasure in doing than he should, he knows.

The ring has a beautiful blue sapphire replica that is its most striking feature, and Clare absolutely loves it. But the design around the rock is also so beautiful – and what makes is special – it's made of finely interweaving strands of Arabic gold, and it occupies the entire length of the base of Clare's delicate finger to the middle joint – unlike anything she has ever seen before.

"I…left my purity ring on the dresser in London," Clare shyly explains, and in a moment of weakness, Eli squeezes her hand and brings it up to his lips so he can place a kiss on top of the ring.

"I'm sorry," he says, "because I know how that special that ring was to you," and he looks very sorry indeed.

"But this one is…other girls have rings similar to my purity one, but…I've never seen anyone with anything like this," Clare beams proudly.

"That's because you gotta go all the way to Qatar to get one, and most people don't casually hop over to the Middle East these days," Eli says with a smirk.

"I love the necklace too," she adds.

"They match," Eli shrugs.

"Eli…most special pieces that I own. Thank you," she says emphatically. "Don't you see? You know me, Eli – the real me. Please – we can be great together, just me and you," she all but pleads.

"Clare…I can't! It's for your own good – don't you get it? Everything that I do – everything – I do it for you," Eli points out.

"Eli… I don't understand…you thank me in your speech when you land…you buy me the most amazing jewellery ever…you can't tell me you weren't considering us getting back together," Clare points out.

The fact that Eli hesitates for a second tells her she's on to something.

"What made you change your mind?" Clare asks in confusion.

"Clare…it's been so long since we've been together, that you forget the realities of being with me. And now…now I'm even more messed up. Clare…the things I saw…the things that they did to me," Eli said hoarsely. "I…I'm….screwed up. You're…happiness and sunniness, and I'm a deep, depressing darkness. I'm not dragging you into that cloud – not again," he insists.

"Eli – I love you," she repeats.

"Clare…you just ended a bad relationship. I…am not sure you love me," he admits.

"Let me prove it then," she replies.

"And I bet you could," Eli says with a sad smirk. "But…I think we're better off with this arrangement. I will always be here for you, Clare. Always. You can choose to tell me as little or as much about your life as you want – but even if we don't talk in years, I will always be here," Eli says with tears in his eyes.

"I'll never not be your girl?" Clare asks, quoting Eli's song.

"I sure hope so," Eli says with a soft smirk.

"But I want to be your girl for real," she says emotionally.

"But I can't be your guy for real – maybe if I had gotten proper help after Julia's death, things could have played out differently for us. But I didn't," Eli resolutely says. "And I said and did a lot of things that hurt you," he deadpans.

"And I did the same to you! Even more!" Clare highlights.

"But you're not messed up! I am! I'm all wrong. Always wrong. You're a smart girl, Clare – you know this, this is why you broke up with me, and it would have happened sooner or later. I always wondered if my love was strong enough to make you stay – since that first library kiss, you know. And I was answered by waiting by myself on a bench that I had deluded myself into thinking had special meaning. I'm not…I can't go back there again," Eli says.

"It won't be like that this time!" Clare pleads.

"Clare…if we get back together, you're gonna be…scared to leave. You're gonna feel trapped, and that's not healthy. Face it. I'm not healthy. I always was…this burden for you," Eli says and Clare stays silent.

"I think our love is worth a shot," she pushes.

"I…Clare, what love? This love of ours is very much…this love of mine," Eli whispers.

"You think I don't feel the same way?" she whispers in terror.

"I…don't know how you feel. What we had was a very long time ago; and I think you are doing this in a moment of stress," Eli points out.

"You're afraid of hurting me," she finally states, "but I'm the one who hurt you most," she concludes.

"I don't believe that," Eli replies. "But Clare…no matter how much I love you, I'm gonna screw up. No matter how hard I try…and when I screw up, it'll be in some royally epic fashion – what if the next time you're in the car with me? Have you thought about that?" he finally asks, and he's taken aback when Clare grabs his hands into hers.

"Yes. And I know that would never happen – you would never let anyone or anything harm me. And you wouldn't be crashing Morty because you're not the same sick seventeen year-old boy that you once were," she answers.

"I can't…guarantee that I won't hurt you, emotionally. I can control my actions, but I'd still hurt you…I'd say the wrong thing, or do the wrong thing," Eli states.

"I'd hurt you too, Eli, and I don't expect it to be perfect. But we will work at it everyday together, and figure it out. It's worth it, Eli," Clare pushes.

"Clare…if I hurt you in even the slightest way….I couldn't live with myself. No, no, we can't," he whispers frantically.

"Why not?" Clare asks.

"Because I need to protect you!" Eli bursts out.

"From what?" Clare asks in frustration, raising her hands in the air.

"Don't you get it? From me! I'm the biggest danger," Eli replies with shiny, red eyes.

And just like that, Clare realizes she can't win.

"Take me home," she whispers.

XXXXXXXXXX

Helen and Jake watch as Clare closes the door behind her and bursts into sobs, sinking to the ground.

"Sweetheart, oh sweetie –what's the matter? Eli told me about Lorenzo," Helen said as she sank down on the ground next to Clare.

"I don't care about Lorenzo, mom. It's Eli…he…he just wasn't having any of it. He looked after me like I was a princess, but when it comes to getting back together, he's hell-bent, mom. It's over," Clare said with a sniffle as she caught Jake looking at her funny.

"He…there's no doubt he still loves you, it was all over his voice even on the phone. So what's the problem?" Helen asked. "Did you apologize? Explain all about how you fell in love with him for the second time writing him letters and worrying about him?"

"No," Clare softly admitted.

"Clare Diana Edwards – you're a lawyer's daughter! You know how important it is to prepare an argument," Helen playfully said.

"That's not the problem – Eli's not even angry about that. He…says we can't be together because he's too messed up, because it would hurt me," Clare shared, and she's confused as to why Jake's face is bright red.

"Oh," Helen said. "Hmm. Well, we gotta make him see that's kind of ridiculous," she added.

"I think it's a valid point," Jake piped in.

"You stay out of this," Clare bitterly shot.

"Clare, he has a point, and you should listen to him," Jake persists.

"He just has a massive guilt complex, to be expected," Helen dismissively says.

Clare then cries wildly, and Jake begins to feel bad.

"It's over, mom – I don't get another shot with him! He's…the boy of my dreams, mom, and…I lost him," she whimpers painfully, and seeing her on the floor like that is really getting to Jake, so he finally says,

"Um…so…confession time. I may have said something to Eli".

"What?" Clare yells.

"I ran into him at Harrod's," Jake says with a shrug.

"Clare, what's that ring?" Helen asks, just catching a glimpse of it as Clare raises her arms in fury at Jake.

"Eli gave it to me. From Qatar, an Arab country. It's a copy of the one the Crown Prince of Saudi Arabia gave to Princess Di," Clare says tearfully.

"My God, it's gorgeous. And perfect, you need a ring, I've been meaning to get you one, but… I sure couldn't find anything like that," Helen says with a low whistle.

"I love it," Clare says as she flashes Jake a look of daggers.

"What did you say to Eli?" she snarles at him.

"I…may have said something about how he needs to stay away from you…how his job now is to protect you from…himself," Jake slowly says, and Clare explodes into hysterics.

"Those are the same words he said to me! God, Jake, do you know that's Eli's biggest nightmare? And you threw it all in his face! Do you know how hard it would have been to get over this problem without you voicing it! This is all your fault!" Clare cries as Helen watches in shock.

"You ruined everything! You can't just be happy for me? This is a boy who loves forever, Jake. He loves me _forever_ – without the slightest hesitation. He thinks it's an honor to love me forever!" Clare bitterly says, and Jake flinches at the memories.

"I can't believe this! You killed it all, any chance is now gone because of you! The one boy who loves me like I have dreamt of being loved my whole life…and…who I don't even deserve…the boy who used to dream of a life with me, the one boy who loved me right…I lost him. I lost him, I lost him, God, I lost him," Clare cries hysterically.

"Clare…I have to protect you, that's all I was trying to do," Jake says.

Clare walks right up to him and stares him right in the eye as she yells, "That is not _your _job. You just ruined something that could have turned into a lifetime love for me. I only want to love Eli, and he loves me, but this is something we'll never overcome. There's too much damage when it comes to him and all his guilt. He'll never let this go. So don't you talk to me about protecting me – because that is not _your_ job," Clare repeats.

"Clare, don't you get it? Eli craz-"he starts, but Helen cuts him off.

"That's enough now, Jake. I'm very disappointed in you, not telling us you ran into Eli. So…you saw him the first day that he came back from being a prisoner of war and told him those things?" Helen asked.

"Well –"Jake began.

"Jake, do you ever listen in church? About forgiveness? Because it's not fair to judge Eli by the sick sixteen year old that he once was," Helen pointed out.

She then added, "And while I appreciate you looking out for Clare, you should have come to me, and talked your concerns over with me, because I have spent a lot of time considering the possibility of my daughter entering another relationship with Eli, and I support it. I happen to think Eli has his life together a lot more than Clare does at the moment," Helen said, shocking Jake.

"She needs a nice, intelligent boy who I won't find her straddling in her room," Helen said, and Jake's entire face turned bright red.

"Eli would be a good influence on Clare, and my daughter is right in everything she says about how that boy loves. I'll never forget the day that he stood on my front steps and looked me right in the eye, his father by my side, as he said Clare is his best friend and the kindest and most patient person that he knew. He loves my daughter for what's on the inside…and that's what tells me their relationship will work," she added.

Helen then said, "Besides, Jake, your argument about Eli's mental health does not stand valid".

"How do we know that for sure?" Jake asked.

"Easy. Eli did that part already for us. Strictest testing system there is," Helen said with a shrug.

"What do you mean?" Jake questioned.

"He's in the army, gives you all the answers you need. Not only that – but he got deployed. Clare, your grandpa is a doctor who worked with the army, he can explain all of this to you. But basically, only those individuals in top mental stability ever get deployed. There's a red light, yellow light, green light system – only if a psychiatrist and a social worker both assign you a green light are you allowed to be deployed," Helen explained, sharing information that was new to both Clare and Jake.

"This makes Eli one of the most reliable people in the country, quite literally. There's no tougher test than that of the Forces. No mission ever gets deployed with anyone who shouldn't be there – it's what my daddy always says when he evaluates patients, he can tell you Clare," Helen said, shocking Jake a little.

"Eli's well-adjusted now. If he passed those tests, he'd a lot better adjusted than probably all of us in this room, who would certainly fail them," Helen concluded

She then escorted Clare to her room and calmed her down, helped her change out of the pretty clothes that Clare said Eli went down to buy because he wanted her to be comfortable.

"Mom…it's over. You know…I always…I always thought Eli would always be there for me to go back to him whenever I wanted…I took him for granted like that. I didn't want to admit it, but I did," Clare said.

"I know, sweetheart. I know. It's okay. Girls do things like that sometimes," Helen calmly answered.

"Mom…I hate what I did to him. I wish I had another chance – I'd love him right this time, you know," Clare whined into her pillow.

"I know you would. Maybe…just give Eli some time. He's come back from some pretty horrible thing, you know. Let him get used to being back at school. I always loved how academic he was. Maybe you can start by recapturing your friendship at school," Helen gently suggested.

However, in her mind, she knew Clare shouldn't wait that long. The time to be with Eli was now, or she might really lose him forever.

Helen knew that she was the only one to have spoken with him about Clare and have an actual conversation – what Jake had done didn't sound like a conversation at all to her.

So the next day, Helen Edwards said she was going out for errands, casually asking Clare where Eli lived.

Fifteen minutes later, she pushed his apartment door open – it wasn't locked – and politely called out,

"Eli? Eli, it's Clare's mom. Just wanted to bring by a thank-you meatloaf," she said, but there was no response.

She then heard a noise from what she guessed was the bedroom, and she saw Eli come out, his hair all messy; he had obviously just woken up. He was wearing black sweatpants and a black Forces T-shirt with his squadron number on it.

"Oh, I'm so sorry ma'am, I'm a mess, and so is my apartment. You didn't have to do this, but thank you so much," Eli quickly said, and Helen noticed his labored breathing.

"You all right Eli?" she asked as she peered into the bedroom.

No way he'd have a girl, in there, right? But that breathing…there was no denying it.

"Never better, just…all jet-lagged," Eli said with an embarrassed smile.

Helen decided to get some answers and discreetly turned around so the bedroom door would fall a little more open, and she did indeed see that Eli was alone – as she expected, but…she gasped when she saw the bed.

There was blood all over it – tons of it.

And as the mother in her didn't hesitate one second, she scanned Eli's body and took in his pale face and labored breathing in an entirely new context.

"Eli," she breathed in horror as she noticed for the first time how sick he looked.

"I'm just a little sick, it looks a lot worse than it is," Eli said.

"Eli Goldsworthy," Helen gasped as she reached forward and lifted Eli's shirt without any observation for his protest, because after all this was a boy without a mother in front of her.

She gasped in horror when she saw and she said, "Eli Goldsworthy, do you realize how serious this is? Why on earth haven't you been to a hospital yet?"

"I…was busy yesterday and it was getting better," Eli said, and Helen could tell that standing up was hurting him, so she directed him to the corner of the bed.

"Eli, yesterday you spent the entire day with Clare. You should have shown her and she could have helped you," Helen reproached him as she made Eli take his shirt off, guiding him to the bathroom and doing her best to clean up the blood that was all over his chest.

"No, it's not her job to fix me," Eli said stubbornly. "And she was in a crisis, yesterday. She comes first," Eli continued.

"Goodness gracious, Eli, look at you," Helen continued.

As he sat down against the edge of the tub and leaned his head against it, Helen saw for the first time the tiredness in his eyes.

Only then did she realize how much the boy sitting in front of her had been through in such a short period of time.

His first love had died, then he had his heart broken and had to fight mental illness, then his parents died, and then he went to war where he was tortured. And all throughout, he had done the best that he could – and that was a rather high standard.

"Mrs. Edwards. Don't tell Clare. Please don't tell Clare," Eli pleaded with tears in his eyes.

As Helen looked at him, she pushed his bangs back gently and said,

"You're tired, Eli, aren't you?" in a kind, motherly tone.

"Mrs. Edwards?" Eli asked.

"Yes?" Clare's mom replied.

"I miss my mom and dad," Eli said in a small voice.

"I know, Eli, I know," Helen replied, pushing his bangs back and being scared by how pale his entire body was.

"Eli…I'm going to call an ambulance, all right?" she then asked.

"No…I'm fine, really. I'm just…tired. I'm just gonna sleep a bit," Eli replied, and his eyes drowsily rolled to the back of his head for a second before he seemed to regain control of his senses.

"Promise me you won't tell Clare. I've already…messed with her head so," Eli said painfully.

"Eli…you're allowed to have needs too, you know, especially considering you just came from the front lines of war. I'm calling 911," Helen said, pulling out her phone.

"No…please call the army doctors instead…they know my case, it'll be faster. They'll send an ambulance," Eli said drowsily, and Helen noticed his phone beside the mirror.

"The number, Eli. The number," she said, and Eli slowly scrolled through his contacts, whispering,

"Please don't tell Clare. Please," but Helen dismissed his comments and focused on making the very important call.


	16. I Need You

**Hi,**

**This is usually where I write something regards to how I feel. **

**Well this time, I have no feelings at all (thanks Eli!). I should also put some things on tumblr that explain this chapter, like pics and stuff that explain the military business that goes on, but I'm not in the mood to go on there and click that little envelope thing and read about how much I suck. **

**The military stuff is as realistic as possible, and once I feel better I'll return to this world. **

**Having said this, I was having a great time with this chapter before all that happened. **

**I think it'll be your favourite from the story. **

**Hope you enjoy it. **

**Twitter: westcoasttrees1 Tumblr: westcoasttrees**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi.**

XXXXXXXXXX

"No love, just tell her I'm with a friend of mine at the hospital," Helen said to her husband on the phone.

"All right. I'll do dinner and then I'll drop by," Glen replied.

"You don't have to do that," Helen answered.

"I want to. I miss you," Glen said in a warm tone, adding, "Call if you need anything else," before Helen and him shared their good-byes.

Helen felt like a little girl again; her dad had worked in a military hospital for about ten years as a cardiologist, and everything about this hospital reminded her of the one in Kingston that her dad had worked in. Most of the people waiting on loved ones here were in uniform, the nurses wore Red Cross identification badges, and each patient's name and rank was displayed on the outside of their room.

Eli had been in there for about six hours now – in the operating room, and Helen knew that the boy had an aunt who had taken over some of the responsibilities for his care once his parents had passed, but not only did she have no clue on how to contact her – but she preferred to make that call once she knew anything beyond 'your nephew was bleeding out of his wounds all over the place and I have no clue what's wrong'.

She knew that out of all people – _her_ being here with Eli might be a little strange, but…how could she leave him alone? It wasn't just that he had looked so sickly, and that he was definitely trying to hide the fact that there was something wrong with him, but he had looked so…tired. Helen knew that he had been through so much in such a short period of time that she understood that he just shouldn't be left completely alone.

She also felt perfectly comfortable in the military hospital – the sounds and movements of efficient precision and tasks being started and completed reminded her of her childhood, and she recognized that she still remembered she knew how to tell rank from peoples' uniforms. That man by the coffee machine was a staff sergeant – two lines on his shoulder insignia – and there was a group of young privates over in the corner listening to their iPods – just one line - and a few . – three lines - were gathered in a circle, whispering to each other. She also recognized the different uniforms of land warfare, the navy, and the air forces, as well as the meaning of the various patches on the doctors' white coats.

"Mrs. Goldsworthy?" a nurse asked her, approaching her – she was wearing green scrubs and taking her surgical mask off as she came face to face with Clare's mom.

"Helen," she replied, knowing that if she were to correct the implicit assumption, there was no way she'd get any information on Eli – if there was one thing the army never breached, especially in hospitals, she knew – it was protocol.

"The Chief is just finishing the procedure – Eli was in a pretty rough condition," the nurse said, her face and voice grave with worry as she exhaled. Helen knew that military doctors liked to smile when they had good news, and this nurse…she was not smiling; her body language was giving off a sentiment of concern.

"Can you explain to me why this happened?" Helen asked, wondering how she could obtain information without making it obvious that she didn't know any of Eli's past medical history – the nurse would surely get suspicious then.

"Well, that's just it. Eli has received some of the most excellent care in the world – the time he spent being looked over by the Afghan civilian included; she knew exactly what she was doing with him. When he got to Germany, he got the proper procedure and therapy for his leg, but…he became prone to precarious conditions when it came to the body's normally self-regulated blood clotting process. He had stitches and he was allowed to fly home, but he must have done something that exacerbated his condition. Do you know if he was working out, moving boxes, anything along those lines?" the nurse asked.

When trying to imagine what Eli could have done since he had arrived in Toronto, Helen's mind immediately flashed back to their phone call.

"He was in a fight," she calmly said. "The other boy…was much taller than him, and I think…Eli was rather upset; that boy hurt a girl and Eli came to her defense," Helen said.

"Yeah, that must have been it. But…he should have sought medical help a lot earlier – as soon as he first started noticing that his blood wasn't clotting," the nurse said in a stern tone.

"It was…tens of hours before he did," she continued, and Helen shook her head in frustration at Eli – sure, she knew that he had worried about Clare, but surely it should have also been time to think of himself when he was bleeding out litres of blood.

The nurse added, "…which created a lot of problems with his internal organs. Losing a lot of blood – that's how soldiers die really fast typically on the battlefield," she said, as Helen felt her heart drop.

"Is he going to die?" she whispered in horror.

"No," the nurse replied at once, "but…I don't know how to say this. Does this boy have a death wish?" she asked.

Helen replied, "He does not. But he was faced with something that was hard for him to deal with as the same time that all of this was going on – so he ignored it".

"Well, the truth of the matter is that we managed to get enough blood back into his system – but there's no way of knowing if it worked until he wakes up. And that could take up to 24 hours, and then we will have to test him fully; he might need transplants or more major surgery. But his body is weak…it wouldn't be able to handle being cut open…yet again. If we're in that situation, we will have to re-evaluate," she continued.

"What do you mean re-evaluate?" Helen asked, being very familiar with the ways that doctors kept their language vague on purpose.

"If his body doesn't respond…we can make him comfortable," the nurse quietly said, giving Helen an empathetic look.

"You're telling me that he _might _die after all," Helen answered, not being able to believe her ears.

"Let's not worry about that until we get to it," the nurse says as she flashes Helen another warm look and walks away, because she has a lot of patients and not enough time.

Helen finds herself not knowing what to do. She definitely does not call Clare, because this news would push her over into insanity with the state of mind that she was already in. Glen comes in a few hours, just as he promised he would, and he hugs her tightly and looks at Eli's sleeping, unconscious form with empathy. Glen really didn't get involved in this whole Eli matter on purpose – he wanted to steer clear of the drama that his step-daughter always seemed to have floating around her. But this boy was a soldier who had fought for his country and now here he was – safe at home, but on his last breath. It just didn't seem fair – it was supposed to be easy for him at this point – to come home and be happy.

Helen looks on curiously as a tall man with dark hair and the uniform of a Colonel who she can tell also works in a special regard by his 'Lady of Justice' patch – in government, Helen thinks, storms into the hallway, yelling at a nurse for not having been told earlier.

"My apologies, Col. Stevenson," the nurse sheepishly says.

"Have you called his aunt?" the man replies.

"Well, his mom is here, and his dad got here recently, but not his aunt," Helen hears the nurse respond as she stares at Eli's chart in confusion.

"Excuse me? This is ridiculous - this is a military hospital, not a public one – this standard of care is shameful to everything the Forces stand for! Eli's parents died years ago," Helen hears the man say, and she quickly walks up to him and explains that she is the mother of one of Eli's close friends.

"You're not Mrs. Patterson," Col. Stevenson says, referring to Daniel's mom as he looks at Helen suspiciously.

"I'm…Clare's mom," Helen said, as it was obvious that Col. Stevenson didn't remember her from when he had come to her house to deliver Eli's inheritance cheque.

"Oh," Col. Stevenson said in surprise. "Your daughter is here with Eli – that's good. Really, really good," he said with a smile.

"Not exactly. Just me; don't want her to be scared, she doesn't know. They didn't get a chance to talk everything through," Helen says, because she does want Col. Stevenson to know that Clare did try, and she was not of those girls that mistreated boys who went on tour and played with their minds when they were on tour and when they came home.

She then introduced Glen and Col. Stevenson, and the three all spent the night at the hospital. Helen said a lot of prayers for Eli, because she thought it would be the greatest injustice if the boy was to be taken – he still had all of his life ahead of him, and Helen knew that he would do so many good things if he was given the chance. Just in the past few years, he had already done so many good things…after he had gotten himself all straightened out.

So when a nurse gently shook her awake to tell her that Eli was awake for bit, and she could go in to see him, Helen exhaled deeply in relief, feeling tears stinging her eyes.

She headed into the small room marked 'Special Representative Eli Goldsworthy, Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth's Sixteenth Regiment,' opening the door quietly because she knew that surgery made people tired, and she didn't want to be too loud and disturb Eli.

"Eli? Hi, it's me, Mrs. Edwards," she softly said as she walked towards the bed in the centre of the room. She liked that military hospitals had green sheets and green patient robes, because the bright white of civilian hospitals always seemed to her to be too industrial.

The lighting in Eli's room had been set to dim, she noticed, and she knew that doctors often did that because they knew bright lights would bother patients who had just come out of surgery. She pulled a wooden chair next to Eli's bed and sat down as she saw his half-lidded eyes alive with…fear she thought. Instinctively, she reached for his hand and held it tightly.

"Hey – you're doing all right, Eli. You're all right," she said with a soft smile.

She sees that it takes Eli a minute of coughing before he can speak, and when he does, Helen sighs, knowing that of course that's what he would ask.

"You didn't tell Clare, did you? I don't want her to know…to feel like she _has_ to come to me in the hospital…again," sounding so incredibly ashamed.

"I didn't tell her – but _not_ because of that. I just didn't want her to worry," Helen replied and the mother in her reached out and pushed Eli's bangs back because they were falling over his eyes.

"I don't want her to worry either. I'm fine," Eli replied stubbornly. His voice then took on a soft tone as he said, "Thank you so much for helping me…for staying with me. Means more to me than I can even say, and I think you know how much I like words," and he flashed Clare's mom a smile.

However, Helen then sternly glanced at Eli, and he knew he was in for it – he knew Clare's mom had a rather…different style of parents than the one that Cece had had.

"Elijah Goldsworthy, you are on an express path to self-destruction," Helen said, but she immediately regretted her choice of words when she saw Eli flinch.

"I'm crazy. Haven't you heard?" Eli whispered calmly.

"That is not what I mean, and you're _not_ crazy," Helen corrected him. "I mean that you need to start putting _yourself first_, Eli. If you don't…well, look at this," Helen said, gesturing around the hospital. "You'll kill yourself. Slowly but surely, Eli. If you don't start putting yourself first you're as good as dead," she pointed out.

Eli didn't reply, because he honestly couldn't think of anything to say – a rare occurrence.

"Do you know why this happened?" Helen asked.

"My blood doesn't clot like, properly or as fast as it should, or something like that," Eli said, his voice rather hoarse.

"Forget that. It's because you _didn't take care of yourself_, Eli. That fight with Lorenzo first, and being too concerned over Clare to care about anything else," Helen deadpanned.

"It's not Clare's fault," Eli immediately replied.

"I said no such thing, Eli," Helen chastised him. "But I'm worried about you, you know. You're all alone – I haven't called your aunt because I didn't want her to worry either, but…it's okay to need a little bit of help here and there, Eli. It's okay to lean on someone," Helen gently told him.

"My parents are dead. No one else but my parents should have to be there all the time for me, and that's just the way it is," Eli said as he stared blankly ahead.

"Eli…what you said to Clare about how she could always come to you when in trouble and she'd always have a place to stay and everything she needed with you…well, just like you offer that to others, it's okay to you to accept it from others too," Helen tried to get him to see.

Helen watched Eli close his eyes painfully and once he opened them again, he did so fully and Helen had never heard him speak with more determination than when he said, "I will _never_ ask that of Clare. Not in a million years. I won't ever do it. It just won't ever happen. I can't, and to be honest, I'd rather die first. That sounds so dramatic – bipolar, if you will – but it's how I feel. Never," Eli finished.

"Eli," Helen sighed.

"I can't…I just can't. Not with what I've done to her. Not with our history. I will never ask _anything_ of her. And I've learned how to be on my own – if I hadn't learned to never ask anybody for anything except my mom and dad, I'd have ended up with the same dependency issues that I put your daughter through," Eli said.

"I'm not saying you have to ask things of her…but I need you to really think about starting to put yourself first. It's just because of the fact that you have no mom and dad with you here right now that you need to look out for yourself," Helen replied.

She then moved his bangs aside again and said, "I've always loved how protective you are of Clare, you know," with a soft smile.

"Yeah, well, Clare hates it," Eli replied.

"Clare is a young girl who doesn't know what's good for her a lot of the time," Helen said as she shook her head.

"Eli…there's something I need to tell you," Helen said as she held his hand tightly.

"What's that?" Eli inquired.

"I know you ran into Jake and I know what he said to you," Helen said, getting to the point.

She heard Eli laugh dryly. "Let me assure you, Jake didn't say anything that hadn't already crossed my mind every single night for the last five years," he said.

"Jake is a very…confident boy," Helen put it mildly, "and I have no doubt that he was trying to look out for Clare," she continued, but she stopped when she saw Eli close his eyes painfully and sob.

"I know! I hate that…even now, Jake needs to…protect Clare from me. Mrs. Edwards, I've ever been so ashamed in my life of anything than of…what I did to Clare," Eli confessed.

"I know that, Eli, but you listen to me – Jake was wrong. You're not a sick sixteen year old anymore, Eli. You're not," Helen highlighted.

"Bipolar's forever," Eli said, his entire body numb.

"So what?" Helen asked with a shrug, and she saw Eli look at her curiously upon hearing her statement.

Helen then added, "You might be able to fool Clare and Jake, but you _can't_ fool _me_, Special Representative. My daddy worked with the armed forces for ten years.

You and I both know what testing you had to go through to be deployed – psychiatrically. Many 'non-bipolar' let's call them, people, wouldn't pass it, Eli, and you and I both know it. So don't give me that bogus excuse, because I know it's simply not true, or else you never would have been deployed. Nor would you have been allowed to be here right now – you had many evaluations after your capture, I know that too. No way they didn't do that after finding out you were tortured and interrogated. And had they found the slightest point of concern – you would have been driven right from the Trenton airport to a recovery facility. But you weren't, so don't you try to contradict me, Eli," Helen said and Eli stared at her in shock.

"I…yeah, there were tests. I have mild PTSD but…I was given a green light," Eli said, being blown away at the intricate knowledge of the army system that Clare's mom had. He had never expected such a thing.

"I know all about green lights," she nodded in confirmation.

"But it doesn't matter – I'm all wrong for Clare. I'm _never_ gonna be…good enough. I'll never be eloquent enough, fun and stable and light-hearted enough, and I'm _definitely_ not a campus heart throb like all of her other boyfriends. I'm not that type…all her boyfriends after me, they were all that type. And all the things Jake said – they're all things that I have thought too. I don't need Jake to tell me that stuff. I think about it every single night," he deadpanned.

"Eli…I only really have one thing to say to you," Helen said. "I think maybe…you were considering reuniting with Clare after her letter that she sent you where she asked you to come back to her. Be honest," she said.

Eli just nodded, "I let my stupidity carry me away again. Time and time again, I let myself get a little lost in the happiness of the thoughts of a future with Clare – and had I never done it all that time ago in grade eleven, she'd be much better off," Eli finished.

"Eli…I want to tell you something. I thought it might have crossed your mind, and I had hoped that it would. I'm not going to lie to you – I agree with you. Clare loved, or thought she did, Jake, and that other boy, and Lorenzo," Helen spoke honestly as Eli simply shrugged. "But…once she opened her eyes, what came next was…her heart. Her heart was then open, and she fell in love _with you_ all over again. While you were a traveling solider, my daughter fell in love for the second time – with the only boy to have ever truly loved her," Helen said purposefully.

She then gave Eli's hand a squeeze as she wiped a tear away and said, "And if you're going to let Jake's…stupidity and shameless nerve come in the way of what I'm sure is real, genuine, powerful love…well, then…you're not the boy I thought you were, Eli," Helen finished as Eli stared at her wide-eyed.

"What do you mean?" Eli said, his voice breaking.

"I mean that it's plain and simple – Jake simply does not get to talk to you about Clare. He just doesn't. Know why?" Helen asked.

"No," Eli answered.

"Because – Jake liked – not loved – my daughter because she's pretty, and because she did as he pleased. I love him to death, he's my son too now, but…he is not serious, Eli. He acts like your average young man, and there's nothing wrong with that, it's just the way he is. But when he dares to talk _to you_ – the most mature boy I have ever met – about Clare, well, to be honest, it's just a little ridiculous. This is _Jake_ – who encouraged my daughter to sneak around while they lived as siblings under my roof, to the point where he was lying down on her bed with her on top. If I hadn't walked in – a visual I will never get out of mind – to find my daughter in her bra being touched all over _by her step-brother_, God knows what would have happened," Helen said as she saw Eli flinch.

She added, "Jake stole my daughter's mind with words – I believe he told her he loved her or something of the sort, and sure, he _thought _he meant it. But when the going got rough – Jake couldn't run fast enough. When he first found out about my wedding to his father, he dumped Clare faster than a rolling tear – at prom, and he never did as much as ask her if she was okay after that shooting. I believe it was _you_ who walked her to my car just to make sure she was okay. He organized a cabin trip that his father and I knew nothing of – and Clare later told me that he kissed her best friend on that trip, when I believe it was _you_ who found her in the woods and fixed her hand. Jake blamed everything on chatty Alli who probably didn't know any better – I know girls find Jake attractive.

Bottom line, Eli, is that I can't ever see _you _doing _any_ of those things. You looked out for Clare even when she was wrong. You gave up your teaching position at U of T so she could stay at home. You entered the forces because you have courage, Eli. Not the courage to go overseas – even if you have that kind too. You have the courage to feel, and to recognize your feelings – that's the strongest type of courage there is. You were my daughter's second boyfriend after a puppy-love romance that was short lived. Clare didn't know what your average boy was like – and it was a rude awakening once she did.

Then she realized what she had lost; and I know you told her you agree with her decision to break-up with you at sixteen, which I'm glad you have come to realize. But she made mistakes after that. She said and did a lot of things that hurt you, Eli. She projected the amazing love you showed her onto Jake because she thought surely all boys feel that way if they _say_ they love you, and when she began mentioning the future to Jake he couldn't run away fast enough, funny enough in the same direction that peppy blonde girl with the guitar at your school was headed in. Clare lost her mind in between Jake's kisses and empty words – she clung to this vision of 'forever' with absolutely no evidence from Jake. He never signed up for a such a thing, and it was never his intention to _ever _show that type of commitment. Him and Clare were never on the same wavelength – neither of her other boyfriends were either. Young boys don't want forever, they want fun, and sex if they can get it. They don't want to be…their girlfriend's best friend.

So for _Jake _– who never loved, but just liked a…liberal, no-rules version of my daughter for a while – when it was fun and convenient, because she's pretty and right next door and her mind was so fixated on him and only him – pleasing him and keeping him forever happy, to come and talk to _you_ about Clare, is the biggest, most ludicrous piece of nonsense I have heard of. He has absolutely no right and his theories are all wrong. Like I said, _if_ you're going to let his despicable behaviour ruin the love of your life, well, then…you're not the boy I thought you were, Eli," Helen finished, and she could tell that Eli was reeling from everything that she had just told him.

"You sleep on it, now, Eli, and take some time to get better. I believe your friend Adam is on his way – I had my husband call him," Helen explained.

She leaned in and gave Eli a quick hug, and as she did so she whispered into his ear, "Eli…you have grown into the type of boy I've always prayed my daughter will marry one day. My Clare doesn't just love you, Eli – she _needs_ you. Like a lighthouse needs the coast…like the Father and the Son need the Holy Ghost…like a needle needs a vein," and those specific words made Eli's heart beast faster…those were the lyrics of the song her wrote Tim and Faith.

Right before walking through the door, Helen turned around one last time and flashed Eli a warm smile before softly saying, "Your mom and dad would have been proud of you, Eli. Their boy is one of Canada's bravest and most talented men. They would have been _so_ proud of you," pausing just for a second before adding, "I know I am".

**XXXXXXXXXX –Two weeks later-**

"It's a good book, I think you'd like it," Clare's grandpa said as his granddaughter was rocking on the swing on the porch just like she always used to when she was a little girl.

"I know it," Clare softly told her granddad, adding "I went to the school with the boy who wrote it, and I still do, at U of T," she said, and her granddad wondered why she seemed to sad.

"Really? No way! It's that boy who got captured by the Taliban, I can't believe you know him," her granddad exclaimed as he handed his girl a cup of chocolate with tiny marshmallows in it, another life-long tradition for Clare that was established whenever she would come on visits.

"I do," Clare said as she rested her head on her granddad's shoulder.

"Is he married? Has a little girl?" Clare's granddad asked, flipping to the page that contained the dedication.

"What?" Clare asked in confusion, having skipped over that page in her eagerness to read each and every single word that Eli had written.

"The dedication – 'for my girls. M.T. and C.E.'' her granddad asked.

"No…the M…is his cousin, he has a little cousin named Mia. And…the C.E. – it's me," Clare said emotionally, and when she saw her granddad's look she figured that she needed to explain a little more.

"He also wrote the lyrics to a song for a famous band – and the best line is 'I'll never not be your girl'. You see, we…dated," Clare admitted, a pink hue forming on her cheeks.

She continued, "Back in high school. But it ended badly, and when I had a chance to get back with him after some of the problems we had were solved…I blew it. But…Eli told me that…if I'm ever hurt," Clare said, her voice breaking, "or feel alone or upset, or need a safe and quiet place to be, I can always…trust him. I can always go to him because he'll always be there for me. And even though we weren't talking when he wrote that song, I know that he wished that something that his mom used to say to his dad would have someday applied to us – 'I'll never not be your girl,'" Clare finished, and her grandpa pulled her into a hug when he saw her tears.

"Sweetheart…this Eli…he's an army boy?" he asked.

"He went to Afghanistan as support staff, but he did combat training too. He would write grants assuring soldiers have the proper resources to get help for themselves and their families after their tours. He joined the army to be able to pay for school after both of his parents died within weeks of each other, but…he's an amazing writer, and I think he got through the job through a professor at U of T who noticed Eli's talent. He even did a year at UBC so I could stay at U of T- we had these teaching assignments, and I got the one at UBC and Eli knew I didn't want to go. Did the whole thing without ever asking me – just worked it out. And then…when he came back I wanted us to get back together, but we can't. Because he's afraid that he's not good for me, and I can't convince him he is no matter what I say," Clare shakily said.

"He thinks he's not good for you?" Clare's granddad repeated in confusion.

"He says he's too…damaged," Clare whispers. "That I need someone better".

"Hmm. That's a bit strange. Well, what this boy wrote in this book says a lot about him, Clare. My favorite story is the one he dedicated to his dad," Clare's granddad gently says.

"Can you read it to me, grandpa?" Clare softly asks him as she gently rocks the swing on the porch, and as she closes her eyes she breathes deeply, wanting to hear her granddad's oratory voice just like when she was a little girl.

"Of course, love," Clare's dad says, and he opens the book to the right page and reads,

_…he'd still have his hair like Axel if it were long enough. He'll only drive a Mustang, and he thinks AC/DC will forever be the kings. He knows everyone by name at the local radio station…they don't make them like that anymore. _

_ He's up with sun each morning; hardly missed a day of work. He'll always remember summer 1987 when he helped build that elementary school. He believes a man should work all week, and save all his love for only one woman. _

_ And if he'd still be here today and I could stand shoulder to shoulder to him now…I'd still feel small, and I'd still be looking up to him like he were ten feet tall. There's something about that generation; these days I think we need them even more than we did before, because they don't make them like that anymore. _

_ He married his high school sweetheart in June 1993; he goes on and on about her – the way she loves to dance and sing, her clear green eyes. Eighteen years later, he's still helping her with her coat, still opening her car door. _

"His dad was _exactly_ like that," Clare says shakily as he grandpa casts her a sad look.

"What I love about this book is that it switches perspectives so much – it's not just a soldier's memoir in little vignettes. It's hard to choose a favourite, actually – that story about the little brother who waits for his older brother to come back from the war is really something too. And the one that switches perspectives from husband to wife I really like to – it's exactly how I felt when I was away from your grandma on my own deployment," Clare's granddad says.

"Read it," Clare breathes as she leans further into her grandpa's hug.

"You know who Daniel and Imogen are? He has a note here saying it's for them, except 'Daniel's project has already occurred for the purposes of the story'…which I think means that the real couple doesn't have a baby…yet," Clare's grandpa says with a laugh.

"Yeah, I know them. And you're right – they're friends of Eli's, but I don't know them very well. But he introduced Daniel to Imogen and now yeah, they're married," Clare says, and she can't help but feel a pang of pain when she thinks that…had she been a little less blind, that could have been her and Eli someday

"Read it," Clare softly whispers again.

"All right, love," her granddad replies, and Clare closes her eyes again.

_It's two am and I can't sleep. It's been like this for me all week – and we lost another good man yesterday. I close my eyes and say your name; it's the only thing that keeps me sane out here. _

_I think of you half a world away and I fight the tears…it's hard to live like this. Lying here…there's so much that I wish. It's my wish that…every child would know the taste of freedom, that there are dreams that are still worth believing in – they might just come true in the end. I want all these troubles far behind us – I want better days to come and find us. _

_I just want to be in your arms again. _

…_._

_It's six am; I need more sleep – it's been another long, hard week; the baby is wearing me all down sometimes. I close my eyes and say your name; it's the only thing that keeps me sane….silence is such a lonely sound. _

_Baby, be safe…I know you've got a job to do. Keep your faith and all the love I'm sending you. Let every child know the taste of freedom, that there are dreams still worth believing in – they might just come true in the end. I want all these troubles far behind us – I want better days to come and find us. _

_I just want to be in your arms again. _

…_._

_Whatever I may have to do – nothing's going to stop me from coming back to you. _

…_.._

"God," Clare breathes, "It's so beautiful. Shows how much they both love each other," she softly whispers.

"Another one," she pleads her grandpa, who obeys patiently, trying to form a picture in his mind – going by the picture of a handsome boy in a special representative's uniform on the inside cover of the book – of this boy who his granddaughter loves.

"How about this one? For his Lieutenant and for the civilian who rescued him?" he asks, and Clare nods.

_I hear the guns and I feel the fire._

_I see the faces of my friends – fighting until the end; so many fearless hearts. I feel their courage and their pain; their lives should never be in vain. From the relative safety of our Canadian base gatehouse, I look out and see the plain and simple truth; it's lighting up the dark: _

_Love one another – that stranger is your brother. Leave a footprint everywhere you go; keep yesterday for giving, today just for living, and say a prayer every night for tomorrow. _

_ ….._

_ I pray the past can teach us all; before another hero falls. Before another mother cries, forever asking 'why'. _

_Why can't we love one another – that stranger is a son. Leave a footprint everywhere you go; keep yesterday for _giving_, and today just for living and say a prayer every night for tomorrow. _

…_._

_I'm standing strong and true - on guard for my friends and everyone back home._

…_._

_I'm standing strong and true - on guard for justice where I live._

…

_So we can love one another._

_ Bless the true believers who stand and fight for freedom so we can live in peace right here at home. _

Clare's grandpa sighs deeply and says, "Now if there ever was something written that describes what the Forces tries to do – it's that".

"I know," Clare answers at once.

"All right love, I've been patient enough," Clare's grandpa says with a chuckle. "Which one of the stories is for you?" he asks.

Clare closes her eyes and touches the book for a second before she shakily says, "'Thank You'. 'Thank You' is for me," and Clare's grandpa turns to that one eagerly.

"Can I read it out loud?" he asks.

"Yes," Clare grants him, and her grandpa feels her grip on him get just a bit tighter.

"Oh, well there we go – that makes sense, he wrote 'for my Diana' at the top, kept it nice and secret – code name," Clare's grandpa chuckles, and he begins reading.

_There were nights where I was sure I wouldn't see the morning sun, and there were days that seemed so dark that I couldn't wait for night to come. I couldn't stand to think about how my life used to be, and how without a single warning…it all just slipped away, out of my grasp. _

_ And like a fool, I thought that I could fight the shadows on my own. I was no stranger to the dark, but this was stronger than I had ever known. By the time that I knew I was in too deep, I'd gone too far, and the light that used to guide me had faded from my heart. And so I found myself in places I thought I'd never go – surrounded by strangers, I was so far from home._

_ I don't know how you found me; all I know is that I owe everything to you. _

_ And so I thank you for my heart; I thank you for my life, and I thank you for grace and mercy. I'm seeing for the first time the sun, the stars and moon, but they've got nothing on the power of the love I have for you. _

_ I said and did a lot of things that hurt you; it was hard to keep believing in myself when all I felt was so much pain and guilt and shame that I couldn't even ask for help. I don't know if I believe in other lives, but when you came, there was something so familiar about the way you called my name. I swore that I had been born again, brand new – and it's all because of you. _

_ And so I thank you. _

_ I have now seen so many things that I just can't explain – but the miracle of miracles is how…with your love I was saved._

_ The day I started breathing was the day you took my hand – and until the day I die, I'll forever thank you. _

_ Today, the most I can do is think about you from half a world away. _

_And I hope so many things for you. I hope you never lose your sense of wonder, but that all of your life's questions get answered. May you never take one single breath for granted and God forbid love ever leave you empty-handed. I hope that whenever one door closes, one more opens. _

_Promise me that you'll forever give your faith a fighting chance. Give the heavens above more than just a passing glance, no matter how many times this world proves that it can be a place filled with evil, deceit and betrayal._

_I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance, but that you still feel small when you're dipping your pretty pink toenails in the ocean. I hope you never settle for the path of least resistance, and that each and every single one of your dreams comes true. _

_I hope you never leave some cruel heart leave you bitter. Time is a real and constant motion that is always moving us along, even if we want to go on the ride or if we never want to risk it. But no one wants to look back on their youth and wonder where those years have gone._

_Because after all, living might mean taking chances – but they're worth taking. Loving might be a mistake, but it's worth making. _

"Wow," Clare's grandpa said, letting out a low whistle after. "I hadn't gotten to that story yet, but I do believe it's the winner. Hands down the most beautiful one. One of the most beautiful things I have ever read. So, Clare-bear…do you love this boy?"

"Yes," Clare answered. "But I messed up," she added.

"Sounds like he made some mistakes of his own," Clare's grandpa said.

"But he realized his mistakes so much sooner than I did, and he made amends. All I did was hurt him - time and time again," Clare said painfully.

"If it's one emotion that he _doesn't_ express at all, it's bitterness. He's not bitter or resentful at all," Clare's granddad pointed out.

"That's because he has the biggest heart of anyone I know. He can forgive and forgive and forgive and love more powerfully than anyone I've ever met," Clare said.

"He's amazing," she whispered as she looked into her granddad's eyes.

She then felt her mom come out to the porch as well, and Helen stayed quiet, having overheard the entire conversation between her daughter and her dad; it was actually Helen who had casually purchased Eli's novel and gave it to her dad, knowing he'd take to its military theme right away and wishing that it would lead to this exact conversation between Clare and her grandpa.

Helen sat down on the front steps of the porch, and stretched out her legs in front of her, just like she used to when she was a little girl growing up with her mom and dad.

"Dad," she said after a second of silence, "Does it sound to you like things between Clare and Eli are dead and gone?" she asked.

Clare's granddad looked right into his granddaughter's blue eyes as he softly said, "Not one bit. Clare, you're young, sweetheart. But don't wait any longer. Boy's gonna get a lot of fame and attention for this book," he joked, but he decided that wasn't the best tactic as it only seemed to make Clare panic a little.

"Oh dad, Eli hasn't looked at another girl since Clare…there's that too," Helen added.

Clare's grandpa then squeezed his granddaughter tightly and laughed before he said, "All I know, Clare-Bear, is that in my day, if a boy wrote something like _that story_ to a girl…she'd go to him," and Clare immediately looked back at him, her striking blue eyes full of hope.

"You think…that I should try again?" she asked, and she could see her mom slowly nodding.

"Sweetheart, Eli's been in the hospital," she whispered.

"What?" Clare exploded.

"Oh my God, oh my God, all that bleeding – I _knew_ something was off there," she said in terror, but her mom explained everything calmly, telling Clare how Eli's aunt had called her to tell her that he would make a full recovery and he'd be taking a bit of a mental holiday after, heading into one of the army recovery centres to deal with his mild PTSD and have some peace and quiet and no distractions as he had been working on finishing up the book that was now quickly climbing the bestsellers list.

Clare was a little mad at her mom for withholding this information, but a large part of her was also relieved…if Eli had been in the hospital and in an army recovery facility, then…that was good.

This meant that he was taking a bit of time for himself, which Clare thought he needed – she had ambushed him with her problems literally the first day he had come home. She liked that in the hospital, and in the recovery centre, he'd have people who would look after him kindly, she thought with a tear in her eyes. He could rest, and have his meals cooked for him, and just…take a step back for a bit.

"But…Eli's aunt mentioned that he's going to his book premiere party that the army is throwing him tomorrow night…._without_ a date," Helen slyly said, having formed a bit of an alliance with Eli's aunt over the past week, one that both Eli and Clare were perfectly and blissfully unaware of.

Clare flashed her hopeful look to her mom as she said, "I should…I should go?" she asked, her tone being one that obviously was begging encouragement.

Clare's granddad answered before Helen could blink, "Yes. You should go, sweetheart. He would be so happy. Come on now, even grandpas are good for something, grab your coat, let's go," he continued as he pulled Clare out of his embrace.

"Where are we going?" Clare asked in confusion.

"Clare-bear, I wasn't born yesterday – we're going to buy you a dress for that party," her granddad said with a smile.

"You don't have to do that," Clare shyly said, a pink hue forming on her cheeks.

"Oh, come on, I want to but my granddaughter a pretty dress for a military party – I think that fits my expertise, thank you very much. Your grandma and I went to our fair share of military balls. We'll stop by the legion branch and pick you up a yellow ribbon to pin onto your dress too – everyone else will have them. Military parties are a bit like balls – the boys wear their uniforms and the girls wear fancy dresses, if they're in the army or if they are just guests. There's a format and things you need to do, I gotta teach you," her granddad said, and Clare saw that he was…proud and excited to do this, so she glanced at her mom who encouraged her with a nod.

"Well, okay then," Clare said. "But what…if…what if I go there and Eli doesn't want me there?" she asked in fear.

"Don't be ridiculous, sweetheart," Helen said with a playful roll of her eyes. "Go with your grandpa – there's so many unique boutiques in this town, you'll find something really pretty I bet," Helen said.

"But…aren't you coming too?" Clare sweetly asked, with a coy look and a blush.

Helen smiled at her daughter when she saw that Clare _wante_d her, so she immediately said,

"Well, all right then," and the three generations of the family headed inside Clare's granddad's Chevy.

XXXXXXXXXXX

The next morning, Clare and her mom were saying their goodbyes to Clare's grandparents. Clare's granddad walked them to their car, and just as Clare was sliding on her seatbelt, she saw him pull out a round metal circle that he was holding onto by a red ribbon.

"Clare…take this with you for tomorrow, at the military ball. It's my Queen Elizabeth medal; got it for exceptional medical service," her granddad said, placing it in Clare's hands as Helen looked on and smiled.

"No, grandpa, it's your medal, I'm not going to take it from you," Clare sweetly said.

"Just to borrow it sweetheart – it's a tradition. People wear medals – their own and those of loved ones – at the balls and I don't want you to be the only one without one pinned to her dress. Besides, mine is a pretty rare one – and I want my girl to be special. Pin it to the left side of your dress, just the way it is. Medals are passed down and that's exactly what I'm doing here – my girl needs to have one too. The party is in Eli's honour, so it would be nice if you were well versed in army things too, and that medal will earn you brownie points, trust me. It'll be obvious it's not yours, because of its date, but you can just say –" he was saying, but Clare slid her seatbelt off and lunged at her granddad, enveloping him in a huge hug.

"I'll them my grandpa gave it to me, and I'll tell them all about your service," she said tearfully.

"Have a good time tomorrow, love," her grandpa said as he placed a kiss in her curls as Clare studied the medal carefully. It was made of bronze, and it had the image of Queen Elizabeth imprinted on it, as well as the year 1945 on it, and the name of her grandpa's regiment and the symbol of the International Red Cross on it as well. Clare knew that she would wear it proudly, and as her mom drove them back to Toronto she allowed herself the fantasy of finally getting to spend three minutes in Eli's arms…sharing a proper dance in her pretty new dress.

XXXXXXXXXX

"He cheated on me," Alli tearfully told Clare as she was perfectly touching up Clare's curls.

"Oh, Alli – no," Clare said, making Alli put down the curler and making sure that she would listen to her best friend this time.

Alli told the story quickly, not wanting to linger on the details of how a boy who she thought was really nice had turned out to be like too many of her exes.

"You look really pretty, you know," Alli said, changing the subject as she looked at Clare's reflection in the mirror. And Alli's opinion was rather correct; Clare had found an exquisite pink dress that came up to just above her knees in one of the boutiques close to her grandparent's home. It was made of a delicate satin material that was had a black lacy material perfectly sewed on the top of the pink base around the corset part that formed the upper portion of the dress, while its bottom flowed smoothly, and Clare knew that would look especially pretty if…she _would_ get to dance with Eli after all. Her mom had bought her a pair of elegant strappy black heeled shoes, and she had put on the blue sapphire necklace that Eli had gotten her from Qatar, and she had the matching ring also on, of course – as she always did.

"Those pieces of jewellery are really something," Alli complimented. "You can't get them anywhere around here – and not even the ones in India are as individually hand crafted as those. Love all the gold foil strands around the ring, and that they stretch all the way to the joint. Really fit for a princess," Alli praised.

Clare smiled shyly in response and blushed a little, as Alli gave her best friend a genuine smile and said,

"I hope it all goes well tonight, Clare," as she fixed Clare's grandpa's medal and a yellow ribbon onto Clare's dress.

She had already done Clare's make-up – elegant black eyeliner and shimmery, creamy golden eye shadow, and a pink, girlish lip gloss. Knowing Eli's love for Clare's eyes, Alli had worked hard over the last fifteen minutes on producing the best smoky eyes ever known to mankind, and the end result really was breathtaking.

"It means a lot to me to have your support, you know," Clare honestly said.

"Yeah, well, after what happened with Tony, and reading Eli's book…I just think that having a boy who genuinely wants forever…well, it might not be such a bad thing after all," Alli said softly. "And my dad saw Eli on the news and told me about his time in the Indian army – and I realized that Eli must be fine is he was allowed in," Alli added.

She then continued, "He's gonna love the way you look tonight," as Clare took one last look in the mirror. Her dress also had two delicate bows – one at the top of each shoulder – that Alli fixed, and the thin straps looked really elegant against Clare's smooth skin.

"I hope so," Clare said with a shy smile.

"He always says you look really pretty, you know," Alli highlighted to her best friend.

"I know," Clare shyly replied.

"I'm pretty sure you could show up in PJs and Eli would think you're the prettiest girl there," Alli teased.

Clare then wrapped her best friend up in a long hug, and she heard Alli say, "I'm really happy for you, that…you know. That you have someone you can trust. Someone who loves you," Alli shakily said.

She pulled out of Clare's embrace and discreetly wiped her eyes before giving Clare a tiny giggle and saying,

"You look stunning – but we're all done now. It's time to set Operation Clare Goes To Get Her Man in motion," making Clare also giggle.

"Eeeekkk, enough standing around," Alli said, channeling all of her energy so she could be excited for Clare, giving her a final playful comment as she squeaked out,

"What are you waiting for, Clare? Go and get your man".

XXXXXXXXXXX

"I was just going to offer Clare a ride," Jake was saying to his dad downstairs as Alli was with Clare.

"I don't think that's the best idea," Glen replied with a look at his dad. "Just let her be, Jake. She's excited about going to that party and talking to Eli, and Helen wants her to. That's enough now," Glen added, just a bit strictly – and Jake knew that meant he'd better not ignore his dad.

"But…" he however began to protest with a look up the stairs.

"Jake – what's this all been about?" his dad asked him with a suspicious glance.

"What do you mean?" Jake replied.

"This whole you talking to that army kid thing," his dad replied.

"I'm just trying to look out for Clare," Jake shrugged.

"And you should," Glen pointed out, "because she's your step-sister. You do…remember _that's_ what she is, right?" Glen asked with a frown.

"I don't like Clare anymore like that," Jake rapidly answered.

"Good," Glen said categorically, "because now that you know her a bit better, do you ever seriously see yourself with her? She's a handful, Jake, she's never happy, there's always gotta be something wrong," Glen pointed out.

"I no longer saw myself with her _the minute_ 'forever' came out of her mouth," Jake admitted, and his dad gave him a small laugh.

"My God, still can't believe you got dealt the 'forever' card at _sixteen_," Glen said between chuckles as his son shot him an annoyed glare.

"Sorry – sorry," Glen said, still laughing a little, "but it's pretty funny – I'm just trying to figure out how on earth Clare came up with that".

"I have no idea, sure didn't get it from me – I never signed up for _any _of the things she was going on and on about – and _definitely_ not that forever thing," Jake admitted.

"That's how teenage girls are, they like to romanticize things," Glen said with a shrug. "I know that I wasn't ready for forever for a long time, and I'd hate for you to tie yourself down that young – even now you're so young, not to mention sixteen," he finished.

"Clare and I…I don't know, she liked me, and it was just…easy," Jake reflected.

"I bet it was – you were just one bedroom away," Glen replied, with an impressed look cast his son's way.

"She just…I don't know, she made it easy for me to date her – she kind of…" Jake faltered.

"Did all the work?" Glen supplied, and Jake nodded.

Jake then added, "But like, we wanted really different things – no forever, thank you very much. Not at fifteen, and not anytime now. I don't want to tie myself down, and like…there was Jenna and stuff," Jake shrugged.

"Son, what you have going on for you right now is perfect for your age, just make sure you're upfront with the girls you date," Glen cautioned Jake.

"I am – with Clare too, I told her from the very start. It got a bit messy later, but like…it kind of got a little…boring after a while. Then Clare decided to up the ante by asking me spend the night with her when you and Helen left that weekend, but she ruined it all by bursting out that forever, and then you and Helen walked in, thank you very much," Jake said as he didn't exactly look his dad in the eyes.

"And I'm glad we did, or I have no idea how you and Clare could have sat at the breakfast table together the next day – really, Jake, not impressed by how you _lied_ to me that entire time," Glen said with a glare.

"Sorry, dad," Jake sheepishly said.

"Well, it's in the past now. But don't make Clare angry again – if Helen likes Eli for Clare, then so be it, and you stay out of it, Jake," he strictly said.

"I guess," Jake scoffed, but Glen was rightly not convinced.

"You mind telling me what this is really about, Jake? Why you're so dead set against that kid? I know you don't like Clare in that way anymore, but I still think that you're jealous she's so keen on getting him back," Glen said, getting to the point.

"It's messed up!" Jake exploded, finally letting his opinion come to the surface.

"What do you mean?" Glen asked.

"She dated _me_ after Eli, and never talked about him again – and now she's acting like she's in love with him or something!" Jake shot.

"Son, you're awesome – how could you not be, you're my kid," Glen smugly said, "But it's no insult to you what Clare does," Glen pointed out.

"It's just fucking _annoying,_ okay? Everywhere I go – it's all Eli this and Eli that. His face on the news, on the paper, his stupid book was at the Johnsons today when I was redoing the cupboards, and Clare's been chattering about him non-stop with her mom for weeks. I get he's some big hero, but I'm just fucking sick of him already," Jake finally exploded.

Glen shook his head at his son and said, "It's his fifteen minutes of fame in the media right now, Jake, and the boy did go through some terrible thing. Show some respect for the forces," Glen advised.

"It's just annoying," Jake said with a shrug. "Everything's always about Eli," he added. "It's all she talks about, oh Eli this and Eli that – nothing else," Jake added.

He then burst out, "She won't even talk to me! She's so pissed off at me that she won't even say _a single word_ to me! It's been _three weeks_ now and all she does is shoot me death glares!"

Glen shrugged and replied, "Helen said that'll probably change after she talks to Eli at that army dance thing tonight. But Clare is…really dramatic – she's not like Helen was at her age at all, you know. You don't need to deal with that, Jake. So she won't talk to you. Big deal. Let her get over it. She's never pleased anyway – she'll figure it out. If you try to please her, nothing's ever gonna be good enough – it's just how Clare is. You'll drive yourself insane trying everything, and it ain't gonna work, so just give it up now," Jake's dad advised him.

"It's just annoying. It's like I don't exist and she hates having me in her house – and all she does is stare at me all pissed off and read Eli's book all day long," Jake finished. "Oh – and of course when her mom's around they chatter about him 24/7 – _what should I wear to the dance, what matches the dress, what this, what that_," Jake imitated in a high-pitched voice.

Glen sighed and said, "That's just something you're gonna have to get used to; she's a young girl, and she can chatter on forever, trust me, I know. But there's no discussion, Jake. Helen likes him, which means I like him, and that you like him. Nothing wrong with looking out for Clare, but…it's her mom's call ultimately and Helen's already decided. And you must know that you crossed a line, Jake," Glen categorically said.

"Which is why…I want to drive Clare and apologize," Jake said after a long pause, deciding to listen to his dad and changing his mind.

"Just don't do anything stupid," Glen told him with a stern look.

"I won't; I'm so done with Clare's drama," Jake scoffed.

He then took a deep breath as he heard Clare come down the stairs.

"You look good," Jake sheepishly said, but Clare immediately narrowed her eyes at him and her entire face scrunched up in anger.

"Get out of my way," Clare muttered as she moved toward the closet to pull out her special shoes.

"Clare, come on. I'll drive you. I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry I said that stuff to Eli. I crossed a line, and I'll go apologize to him if you want. I'll go with you right now," Jake suggested, and Clare shut the closet door in anger.

"I don't think Eli would give _a damn_ about your apology and I don't want you talking to him _ever again_. There's no way you're coming with me – what I have to do will be made hard enough by me with Eli and all his fears that _you _made _even worse_," Clare shot bitterly as Helen watched somewhat awkwardly.

"Okay, so no apology then. But let me drive you, come on," Jake said, embarrassed.

"God, I can't even look at you right now," Clare replied, shaking her head. "You remind me of all my mistakes," she shot aggressively. "Get away from me Jake. There's no way you're driving me – it would be bad karma," she added.

"Sweetheart," Helen softly said.

Clare took a deep breath and tried to calm down.

After a minute, her voice barely above a whisper, she finally said, "No, Jake. I'm sorry, I can't. It would feel all wrong. Maybe if Eli forgives me, then I can forgive you for what you did. But you stay away from him – you have no right to talk to him, or do you forget what you did that made us break up?" Clare bitterly shot.

"Maybe if Eli forgives me and I can be with him, then I can forgive you. But not now, Jake. Not now. Let's go mom," Clare softly said, walking out the door as Jake was sighing.

"She'll come around Jake. Don't worry," Helen said to her step-son with a shrug before she headed outside herself.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"Good luck, sweetie," Helen said before driving off.

Clare exhaled deeply and raised her head to look up at the many stories of downtown Toronto's waterfront Fairmont Hotel. She smiled when she thought that it was such a nice venue that the army had selected for the book release party, and when she asked at the reception for where it would be, her heart sunk – would there be a guest list? After all of this getting ready and emotional turmoil, would it be as simple as the fact that her name was not on any list?

She silently thanked God – and her grandpa – when the receptionist took one sole look at the medal pinned onto her dress and replied with a small smile, "Ballroom A". Clare then walked through an elegant, five-star hallway, and after turning the corner she smiled broadly when she saw large yellow ribbons decorating the doors. There was also a set of Canadian and American flags at the door, and a large poster board on a stand that read 'Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth's Sixteen Regiment Homecoming' and on the line just below, "_If You're Reading This _by USRSG Eli Goldsworthy Release Celebration".

"Can I help you miss?" she then saw a young woman in a navy military uniform ask her; Clare hadn't noticed her yet, but she was about twenty and was waiting behind a table full of name tags.

"No, thank you," Clare replied politely as she moved towards the beautiful, ornately decorated ballroom.

"Excuse me ma'am, I'm going to need your name," the girl shouted after Clare.

"Um, right, I'm…."Clare stumbled.

"She's with me," Clare then heard an authoritative voice that she knew well say from behind her, and she turned around in relief.

"Thanks," she mouthed to Adam, who apparently ruled the show – because as soon as the girl saw him, Clare noticed that she smiled apologetically.

Clare then walked into the ballroom and she was mesmerized at its beauty – as Christmas was rapidly approaching, it had a incredibly tall tree decorated with some of the most special pieces and sparkly pieces that Clare had ever seen. There were yellow ribbons all around, and buffet tables lined both sides of the room. There was a large glass chandelier hanging over the dance floor, and each table had elegant cutlery and crystal glasses that flushed yellow or crimson as they were raised to shiny pink lips. The color scheme of the tables was a Christmas yellow, and almost all of the boys in the room were wearing their dressy military uniforms – khaki, navy, or black suits with medals, insignia and decorations on them, while Clare saw that the girls were permitted to wear whatever dresses they chose – however, by the amount of medals and insignia on them, it was obvious who was a member of the forces and who was here as a date. It was, overall, just the way her grandpa had described it to her, but its beauty and magic was incredibly difficult to capture in words. It was obvious that…it was a homecoming. Clare saw how tightly the girls hung on to their boys – and she saw how every single person in the room had a huge smile on their face; it was obvious that it was the moment they had all been waiting for years.

On a table at the other end of the room she saw stacks of Eli's novel next to a poster with a brief description of the novel and Eli's formal military picture, and Clare soon recognized Colonel Stevenson in a uniform that she had never seen before – so fancy – at a table, holding the hand of that lady who had been with him and Eli on the plane as Clare had seen it broadcast on her TV, and she now realized that Col. Stevenson's wife was also in the forces.

Clare also smiled when she saw a group of girls explode into cheers when Tim McGraw and Faith Hill came on stage. They briefly explained that they had visited the regiment on their USO tour and were so happy to come home – and they made particular reference to Eli – that when they heard about their safe return home, it only seemed natural that they would 'come sing a song or two, if y'all don't mind,' as they put it. Their comment was made with many cheers and the dance floor filled quickly as Faith began to sing a song about a girl being 'a wild one' – one that seemed to be a hit with the army girls, Clare noticed.

"Why are you here, Clare?" she heard Adam's voice ask, and she didn't like the way he phrased that.

"I just- I want to see Eli," she shyly replied. Clare knew that she had neglected her friendship with Adam when she had been with Lorenzo…and John…and Jake, and she wasn't very proud of it, but Adam never complained. Adam had thoughts of his own about Jake, John, and Lorenzo, most of which he kept to himself because he had given up trying to change Clare's mind the semester after Clare's break-up with Eli when she seemed hell-bent on being all about Jake, and Adam found that he didn't have a lot to contribute when Clare gushed about her new boyfriends or said…not so gentle things about Eli.

To see here her now…Adam was rather surprised. He had also been able to extract just a tiny bit of information from Eli as to how he had interacted with Clare in the whole Lorenzo fiasco – it had been like pulling teeth, getting Eli to talk, but Adam wanted to know because he thought that he should, because Eli was so…fragile when it came to Clare, and Adam knew it.

"Oh," was all Adam said replied, and Clare hated the awkwardness that seemed to exist between the two of them right now.

"You…you think I shouldn't?" Clare softly asked as she looked down at the ground.

"I never said that," Adam replied with a smile that warmed Clare's heart.

He continued, "I just hope that you…meant it. Really mean whatever you are about to do. I don't want to see Eli broken-hearted again, not after all he has been through with his deployment and all. I don't want to see him all down on himself again. I'd like to see him happy with a girl now too, and you know that nothing would make me happier than if that girl were you – as much as I complained about it, I miss my relationship cheerleader position and I definitely miss spending as much as time with you as we did when you and Eli were dating. So I'd love that, but what I want most is to not see Eli all….unable to trust and running away to different cities and countries to forget. So I just hope that whatever you plan on doing – that you mean it. I hope that if you're gonna go to him, you want it to be all about Eli. All about Eli and no one else," Adam said strictly – he hated to be strict with Clare, but he felt that it was necessary in this case. After all, Clare's loyalties seemed to lie with her boyfriends, Adam thought – he had wondered many times over the past years if Clare would actually care much if their friendship would come to an end.

"It is," Clare whispered in shame. "I love him, Adam," she said plainly, and watched as Adam broke out into a beaming smile.

Clare then added, "And…I'm really sorry about my behaviour starting with Jake. I…got lost in this world for a bit and…forgot who I am," she whispered in shame.

"No apologies needed," Adam replied at once, and embraced Clare because he could see that she was a bit upset. Clare felt a huge weight off her chest and Adam told her to go find Eli. Clare assured him that she just wanted to take one last look in the mirror and then she would.

When she walked into the washroom, she reapplied her pink shiny lip-gloss- despite of the fact that she had just arrived; it was a really nice one, but it wore off really fast. However, Clare really liked this one and she didn't mind taking her time to be satisfied with the way she looked – she knew that Alli was right; Eli really would think she was the prettiest girl here if she showed up in PJs; there was no constant measuring up of herself against other girls in the room like she always had to go with Jake, John and Lorenzo, but…she still wanted to look nice for him.

However, when no one other than Imogen Moreno stepped out of one of the bathroom stalls, Clare regretted her timing.

Imogen looked her up and down – Clare noticed she was wearing a form-fitting, gorgeous red and black dress and _she _obviously had Daniel's medal pinned on, Clare saw as her body shivered with jealousy.

"Clare Edwards," Imogen said as she looked at her own reflection in the mirror and put on a pretty red lipstick.

"I know you don't like me," Clare replied authoritatively.

"Clare, I honestly couldn't care less about you," Imogen said with a laugh. "But I do think it's interesting you're here – oh my God, did you write Eli's book? It's actually…your story?" Imogen said in a mock shocked tone, and Clare shook with fury.

"I think you shouldn't talk about things you know nothing of," Clare replied.

"Clare…I think my friendship with Eli has been longer than yours," Imogen innocently pointed out. "My husband and Eli are like brothers," she added.

"Oh, Daniel," Clare said with a shake of her curls, having forgotten about Daniel's existence as well as the fact that he was Imogen's husband.

"Imogen…I know I don't get to ask you this, but…" Clare faltered.

"Spit it out Clare," Imogen replied, and Clare was taken aback at her wittiness – so much like Eli's.

"Did Eli forgive you easily?" Clare asked, her eyes fixed in the mirror.

"Did Eli forgive me? Oh, for that little _gotta-get-him-past-Clare-Edwards_ thing I did? Um, he never let me even apologize – getting to a friendship, Eli and I…it was more about getting past what _he_ did," Imogen slowly admitted. "It also doesn't help that he still hasn't forgiven himself, and probably never will – but that's Eli for you. He brought the best thing into my life – Daniel – but I know he still feels bad about how misguided he was when we first met. That's the thing about Eli, Clare – he forgives without second thoughts. But guilt…_guilt _he hangs onto forever," Imogen pointed out, and in that moment Clare could clearly see the psychology major in Imogen.

She then added, "Besides – you're _Clare Edwards_. You can do no wrong in Eli's eyes – not even when you use him to make Alli or your new boyfriends angry," Imogen slyly pointed out.

"How do you know about that?" Clare asked, being completely taken aback.

"Meh, people talk, and Eli stays silent as a tomb whenever I try to ask him stuff about places you two meet – just to check if he's okay, you know. He always changes the subject. So don't you worry your pretty little face as to getting Eli to forgive you – amazingly, he already has. But I do hope you prove to him as to why he _should_ trust you – and _good luck_ with that one, because ever since his parents Eli thinks his problems no longer have to matter to _anyone_. He has trust issues _through the roof_. He doesn't know what it's like to receive love back – he knows what it's like to give it, but to receive it back…and I don't mean love like the one I feel for him, and Adam, and Fiona – I mean the love of someone who could see spending forever with him as his wife. He doesn't know what it's like to have that anymore. And if you hurt _him_ again Clare, you can rest assured that I will hurt_ you_," Imogen said as she put her lipstick away.

"I'm not gonna do that," Clare softly responded.

"It's for Eli's sake that I hope you don't," Imogen said as she flashed Clare a small smile and she bit her lower lip, trying to figure out if she should also say what she wanted to at this point.

She decided that she would.

"He's outside…by the waterfront". Imogen then left the bathroom, hoping Clare would have a little more sense about her this time around.

Clare appreciated Imogen's last comment – telling her where Eli was, because she hadn't seen him anywhere in the ballroom, but she was a little rattled by the other things Imogen had brought up. Imogen hadn't said anything that Clare hadn't previously thought of – but Clare found that it wasn't a pleasant thing to be criticized when it came to her actions regarding Eli, and especially not by Imogen. She thought that this was how Eli must have felt when Jake had ambushed him – only that Eli being Eli, the feelings of pain and guilt and shame must have only been a thousand times more intensive.

All the more reason to find him faster, Clare said to herself resolutely as she walked out of the washroom and made her way across the ballroom to the large sliding doors that led to the waterfront. The area outside was a stark contrast to urban Toronto; there was a pond surrounded by trees and flowers from all over the world, and several beautiful totem poles. There were a few benches here and there, and the garden was very carefully tended.

Just as she thought that Eli must have gone inside, because he clearly wasn't out here, she smiled a little when she heard his voice coming from just around the corner of the building.

"I'm so sorry, love. So sorry, sweetheart. I'd never ever hurt you on purpose. God, I hate that this happened. I love you so much! You're my number one girl. You'll always be my number one girl," she heard him say, and her heart completely sunk.

_ This is it._

_She was too late. _

Her mom had been right – he would find someone else who he would love wholeheartedly. Hearing those words coming out of his mouth, obviously being redirected at another girl…it made Clare want to burst into tears.

_He had another number one girl_, and Clare couldn't hear her talk back, so he must be talking to her on the phone.

_He loves her_, Clare thought as she felt like someone had actually delivered her a physical blow.

_ It's over. _

_ Game over. _

_Eli's no longer available- what did you expect? It's been years of jerking him around. Now another girl gets him, and she won't him, or call him crazy – she'll love him. She'll love him right, like he deserves_, Clare was thinking, and it took her a minute to get her body to listen to her brain.

_Get out of here. Just get out. Don't let him see you. It would be so humiliating_, Clare thought.

She cursed herself mentally when she heard her black heels make a loud noise against the gravel, and she froze when one second later, Eli was standing in front of her looking more shocked than she had ever seen him.

He _did_ have a girl with him – a girl he loved desperately, felt bad for hurting, and who would indeed always be his number one girl.

In a certain way.

"Oh….Mia," Clare said as she breathed deeply. _He was talking to Mia_! In her full year-and-a-half-old glory, there she was – safely in Eli's arms, sporting a red, blotchy tear-stained face and a perfectly disappointed and teary look.

Clare had never loved that little girl – or anyone – more than she loved her in that moment! She was the object of Eli's affections, and Clare felt as if she could repeat everything she had just heard Eli say to the little girl too.

"Clare?" Eli asked in confusion, squinting his eyes at her as if he really couldn't see that she was right there.

"Is Mia okay?" Clare shyly asked.

"Oh man, we were playing tag out here and she was going so fast that she totally face planted, got a huge scrape on her knee, all my fault," Eli said, worry in his tone as Clare noticed the shiny pink Band-Aid that ran across the little girl's knee.

"Got our military doc to look her over, says it's just a cut, that it happens all the time but –"Eli went on.

"I'm sure it's fine, Eli," Clare tried to comfort him.

"But…she's my girl, I'm not supposed to let anyone hurt her or break her heart, and I'm the one who did all the damage," Eli fired back, and for a second Clare knows Mia isn't the only one he's referring to.

"Oh come on, Eli, she still loves you…and she's fine," Clare replied.

"Yeah…Mia loves me," Eli replied, and just like that, the spell was broken.

"Just has a little owie now, like a big tough army girl," Eli said with a smirk at the little girl before he lifted Mia's tiny little leg up ever so slightly and planted a gentle kiss right next to the Band-Aid. The sight affected Clare more than she thought it should – she had never wanted to kiss Eli more than she did in that moment.

Mia, for her own, had been perfectly pouting this entire time, her neat little pigtails held in place by symbolic yellow ribbons, and her pretty red dress, black tights and black cardigan highlighting the little girl's beauty.

"God, her green eyes are amazing – they make her look a lot like you, even though she's so blonde," Clare said breathlessly.

"I know – my grandma's eyes, my aunt says. My mom had them and I have them too," Eli responded.

"_Your _kids should have them too, they're so nice," Clare burst out before she could control herself.

"Yeah…doubt that whole thing is ever gonna happen for me, Edwards," Eli says with a smirk, but Clare sees the pain he hides behind his eyes.

"You don't want kids one day?" Clare shyly asks.

"Of course I do. I think…I think that I'd make a good dad. I had the best one that ever lived, there'd be no excuses," Eli responded at once.

His eyes are right on Clare's as she smiles softly and says, "You…would, Eli," shocking him. If he would have had to guess, Eli would have thought that Clare Edwards would be of the opinion that he would be too dangerous to be trusted with children.

"So then if you do want them…why do you say that?" Clare pushes.

"I just don't think in the cards for me, that's all. No matter how much you want things doesn't mean you're going to get them. And in my experience, I know I don't. But I already have a little girl to look after – I'm gonna be the best uncle ever," Eli says as Clare sees Mia burrow into his embrace and rest her head on his chest.

She loves the uniform she's wearing. It makes him look a little older and so incredibly handsome. It's a dark navy suit – almost black. He's wearing it with a white dress shirt and a black tie, and he has quite a few insignia and medals, Clare notices. She knows that it's more than he left with, and this means that he got some recognition.

"Sorry about the owie, pretty girl, so sorry," Clare hears Eli whisper as he gently kisses Mia's curls.

Clare then sees the little girl break out a beaming smile through her tear-stained eyes and she freezes as Mia's green eyes meet her blue ones.

"Owie," Mia says, pointing to her knee, obviously wanting the other witness around here to grant her some recognition of the trauma she suffered.

Eli and Clare both chuckle, and Clare replies, "Ouch! Did it hurt?" and Mia, pleased with the attention, smiles a coy little smile before nodding in Eli's arms.

"Big girl," Clare praises her.

"Owie like Eli's," Mia then bursts out, pointing to Eli's chest, and Clare sees his cheeks flame at once.

He attempts to quiet Mia, but she keeps going, pointing to so many spots all over Eli's chest and arms as she says, "Owie, owie, owie, owie, owie, owie, owie, owie from the bad guys," and Clare fells her heart break.

She can barely register Mia's mommy coming out and telling Eli to return her daughter now, and she watches in pain as Mia is transferred to her mommy's arms and Linda and the little girl fade out of sight.

She walks over to the water's edge and turns her back to Eli because she doesn't want him to see her tears…she knows the last thing he needs is any more pain, and she very well knows that every time _she_ suffers, _Eli_ suffers.

"Clare, I'm _fine,_" she hears him stay with determination. "Mia…I've been in the hospital a bit since I got back, and Mia visited once and I still had all these bandages once. She put a Dora the Explorer sticker on top of every one – made me feel like _the manliest_ guy in the entire army hospital," Eli says with a smirk and Clare really can't help but giggle in response.

"It's my fault," Clare then says, her voice in a low whisper. "You…the German doctors made it all fine. Then you got into that fight with Lorenzo – my fault – and you broke your stitches. Then you carried me – my fault – and it made it worse. Then, even when you hesitated, I made you hold me all night – my fault," she said in horror.

"That's not true!" Eli refutes at once, "Nothing was your fault, Clare, so don't ever say that again. And holding you for a night…I'd do it _all_ over again if I got to relive those few hours…everything. I'd deploy tomorrow morning," he admits.

"So then…why don't you? We _could_ relive those hours…all our lives, Eli. All you have to do is say _yes_. Please, let's stop making plans…let's just stop it all, and…let's not make any plans and just be together," Clare whispers tearfully.

"Clare…I'm not like…even close to your ex-boyfriends. There's a pattern there; all heart throbs who are like…revered members of schools; boys that all girls fawn over. I'm just the weird guy you dated at fifteen who scared the living daylights out of you. I'm a bipolar, PTSD war vet who has seen things that I never even want you to _think_ about.

And I'm really sorry that your exes were not…exactly faithful, and Lorenzo don't even get me started on – he was scum. But…don't you get it? There will be one, someday. Someone who is exactly what you want, and I bet it won't even take you long to find him. I'm always going to be bipolar, I will always have battle wounds, and yes – my stories will always be just a little bit weird. I may never have cheated on you or been an absolute jerk – but that doesn't mean that you want me. That you love me. It just means you haven't found the perfect guy yet, and there's no need to put in a temporary stand-in. And I _won't_ be that stand-in," Eli says as he exhales deeply.

"I knew…you wouldn't believe me. And I can't blame you; my behaviour has been so erratic. I wish I could prove it to you somehow, but…I get it, Eli. It's just too bad. It's too bad," Clare says with a sad smile.

She fiddles with the bottom of her dress as she adds, "You talk about this…perfect guy for me; tell me how God is looking down on me and smiling as He thinks of the boy who will be the love of my life, and that it's okay that I'm single right now because God is saving me for that special someone. But…that someone is _you_. God already sent him to me…trusting me to take care of love, to protect it, to fight for it, and to enjoy it. God _already_ gave it to me. I _already_ met the boy who I was especially saved for. Don't you see? It's you, Eli. It's _always_ been you," Clare finishes, her eyes pooling with tears as she shrugs at Eli, who looks perfectly heartbroken.

"Clare…you _came_. This is my regiment's homecoming party. And the army wanted to do something for my book too, so I told them to put them together because I sure as hell don't want a separate party just for me. These are all my friends here tonight – my family away from my family, my home away from home. You came…and you have a World War Two Queen Elizabeth Red Cross medal. My regiment is named after her, check it out," Eli says as he unpins the 40-years-later writers' version of the medal Clare's granddad won all those years ago.

Clare holds her breath as his fingers lightly graze the top of her dress as he fastens his pin on next to the Clare's granddad's. As she slightly shivers she manages to get out the words, "My grandpa's. World War II doctor," and Eli says that is really cool, and that he wishes he knew it earlier.

"You're also wearing your Princess Diana jewels," Eli softly says, smirking at her. He takes a step back from her and his green eyes are shining as a slow smirk spreads on his face and he says,

"You look…" and Clare feels a rose hue spread across her cheeks at just those two words; right away she can feel the rise in the temperature of her cheeks and she lets out a tiny exhale as she glances to the side – and all those actions in combination are ones that Eli knows very well – they always leave him unable to do anything else than want to kiss her like she has never been kissed before.

Clare feels her blush deepen, thinking the words "really pretty" are coming. What Eli says next, however, cause her to look up at him, feeling like in that moment, she truly is the only girl that exists in the whole world.

"You look…better than a real-life princess," he says, pausing before adding "England's rose is looking down on you from Heaven and smiling too, you know, right next to God," Eli says, because even though he might not believe in God, he does believe in Lady Di loving Clare, because they were both two of the most selfless, kind hearted people Eli had ever known or read about.

"Thank you," Clare says, her entire face now flushed, and her heart beating a mile a minute.

"It's…really me?" Clare then hears him ask, his voice soft as his gaze locks with hers.

She nods tearfully, "It's _always_ been you, Eli. I've just been too blind to see it. You're the _love of my life_ – whether or not you write a new story…you'll _always_ remain the love of my life," she says sadly.

"Clare...I don't want to _not_ make plans with you…I want to _make _plans with you. I could write a million stories, but…the story _of my life_ will _always_ be the one that is _ours_," Eli finally confesses, his voice soft and his eyes looking directly into Clare's.

And then…he opens his arms with a reassuring smirk. Clare's tearful face immediately lights up and a smile breaks out through a sob as she wastes no time and she runs into his arms, feeling the heat of his body right away. She hears him laugh and feels him lift her up the ground, his arms securely wrapping her waist and bringing her up.

She also wastes no time in kissing him with everything she's got. Every fibre of her being wishes she could melt her body into Eli's, and she smiles softly before she touches her lips to his, her hands on his shoulders, feeling the two embroidered lines that now rest on the patch there. After a few seconds, she feels Eli's entire body startle with a passionate electricity, and he takes the lead on the kiss – keeping it sweet and gentle, as if they have all the time on Earth. She pushes her body into his with a desperate urgency, and as Eli is still lifting her up ever so slightly – he's a bit taller now, she knows – she gains control of her body just long enough to wrap her legs around his waist. She feels his hands travel to her lower back in order to support her, and she only pulls away because she's so dizzy from the lack of air that she feels she might pass out any second now – and that would mean no longer being able to kiss Eli, and Clare is _definitely not_ okay with that.

She keeps her forehead pressed to his as she roams her fingers through his now-shorter-than-she-is-used-to hair, feeling it move under her fingers as her shiny pink hails are absorbed by it and periodically emerge out of it only to greedily roam the black strands again, because she just can't get enough of him.

Clare's entire body is shivering with love and pleasure as she gasps for breath in between kisses and saying "I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you," over and over again, pulling on his hair ever so slightly, moving her arms down his neck and down his arms before returning them to his hair. She feels Eli trying to kiss her as deeply as possible, and she finally stops talking and lets him do it. She's feeling how strongly he's responding to her touch – his chest is heaving and his entire body is shaking as he is slowly massaging her back and kissing her over and over, softness and urgency alternating as they are both gasping for breath.

"Clare…I've _always _loved you. Always, always, always - not for one second did I stop. I just never thought I'd get to have you again," Eli gasps between kisses.

"Eli…I'll never not be your girl," Clare said with a bright smile as her fingers gently tug on his hair again, and he loves hearing the words that he wrote escape her lips.

When her lips touch his neck, he holds onto her tighter because he's afraid he'll drop her - his knees feel that weak.

"Clare…" he gasps as he stumbles over to a bench and sits down, carefully resting her legs on the bench because he doesn't want to hurt her.

She's placing a trail of butterfly kisses all along his neck, and his eyes are half-closed as he's completely lost in her touch – all he can do is slowly caress her back through her soft dress. She's never - not once- done this to him before, and it's completely blowing his mind.

"Clare…" he gasps, her name on his lips driving him even more crazy. He then gently lifts her head, tangling her fingers in her curls, and after she's staring into his eyes with a soft smile, he kisses her forehead and moves her curls away from her neck.

As he's running his fingers through them, he whispers, "I love these longer curls, you know. So beautiful," and Clare beams up at him.

"Well, I love your shorter hair," she replies as she feels Eli draw her closer, kissing her cheek softly. "And…God, You're your uniform…it's so sexy," she finally confesses, telling him what she's wanted to say for so long now as she's running her hands down his chest.

"I know – quite the ladies magnet," Eli says with a smirk.

"You've had…girlfriends?" she asks shyly, knowing that simply because she didn't know anything…well, there was still a chance, she reflects.

"No…there's been no one for me since you, Clare. I…did a really monstrous thing with Imogen – I don't mean physically, although I kissed her – pretending she was you – and I knew perfectly well what I was doing. I was using her – like she had no emotions or feelings, I was…horrible to her. I have done many messed up things in my life, but that one…that one I regret _so_ much," Eli says as he exhales deeply.

"Eli…she seems rather happy now," Clare points out. "Because she met Daniel…through you. You helped them, didn't you?" Clare guesses and Eli nods in response, just like she expected.

"Well, I have a suspicion that Daniel and her may or may not be trying to make a baby these days, as he puts it," Eli replies with something between a smirk and a grimace, as if he is unsure what facial expression two of his best friends making a baby requires.

Clare giggles as she asks, "Really?"

"Yeah. Ew – he chattered it about it incessantly when we were deployed – I learned my lesson pretty quickly and stayed away from his room when those two Skyped," Eli adds, and Clare giggles more, slaps his shoulder and chastises him with a playful Eli!"

Eli then smiles, however, and says, "But…you know. They're married, Daniel just got promised a life-long job with the forces as a lawyer in Ottawa, and Imogen graduated and has a job offer of her own. They want a baby, and they can take care of it- it's perfect," and all of a sudden Clare is jealous of Imogen all over again – but this time for reasons completely different than before.

"God, I love you," she says breathlessly as she leans in for another loving kiss, and Eli happily obliges. Clare feels her entire body shiver in pleasure all over again as Eli caresses her arms, loving her undeniable reaction to his love. He never wants to stop kissing her. He loves her, and he knows he always would – but he didn't know he'd actually get to give her all his love and have her accept it…have her _return_ it. It made him feel like he could do anything in the world. And he would. He'd do anything to be worthy of her…to be worthy of being the man who would get to marry her, have a family with her, and grow old together with her. He'd do anything to keep her safe, living a good life, and happy – and he knew that he _always _would.

Clare, for her own, simply felt like there was _nothing in the world_ like Eli's kisses. They didn't make her blindly forget. They didn't make her think just about how good it felt physically. They made her feel…loved. They made her feel…right. They made her remember exactly who she was and what she was looking for. They told her…that he wanted forever to.

She stops thinking about the meaning of his kisses, and loves the look he gives her before his hand gently caresses her neck, dropping down to a particular spot and circling it before his lips touch it, kissing it softly. None of her previous boyfriends had done that, and the contact made Clare shiver and sigh in absolute pleasure.

"Oh my God…Eli," she gasps, and she feels him smirk against her skin. "Eli…yes," she softly moans, her chest heaving against Eli's own. She digs her fingers into his shoulders as he continues softly kissing the spot. Clare slightly rolls her body against his as she feels his soft kisses trail over her neck and her collarbone, moving her necklace out of place and she can't stop her soft moans, her shivering and her contended sighs of Eli's name.

"I…" Eli says breathlessly as he pulls away, resetting her curls and necklace with love etched all over his face, "have…been suspecting you'd like a kiss in that spot for _so many freaking_ years now," he says with a smug smile that Clare can't help but giggle at.

"Only you," she breathes as she is still trying to calm down, trying to tell Eli that only he had ever taken the time and attention to ever think of a such a thing. She wonders if he understands what her statement really means. As she looks directly into his green eyes, she knows he does.

She then rests her head on his chest, and she feels him softly patting down her curls and running his fingers up and down her arms. She softly caresses all the medals and insignia on his uniform, and together they are helping each other calm down a bit, because regardless of the fact that they had only shared kisses, the emotional intensity of what had just happened was at a maximum of both of them, bringing about a different, but incredibly meaningful type of ecstasy.

"I love you," Clare breathes one more time, reaching up to kiss Eli softly.

"I love you too," Eli immediately confirms. "And I'll take as long as you decide to give me to honor you and to be your best friend," he adds.

"Forever, Eli. _Forever_," Clare whispers as she intertwines her fingers with his, absolutely no hesitation on her part at uttering the word.

"Forever," Eli replies – also with no hesitation – and that means the world to Clare.

They spend fifteen more minutes simply holding each other, and in those fifteen minutes, Eli presses about thirty kisses to Clare's forehead as she runs her fingers over each of his medals and insignia, and Eli explains everyone at Clare's request.

_Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth's Sixteenth Regiment – that just means the group of troops that I was deployed with_

_Lady of Justice – that one I have because I'm a writer for policies and grants and stuff…Daniel and I have those because of our writing capacities and we do some humanitarian grant-writing as well_

_United Nations DPKO – that one I have because Canada was mandated by the United Nations to go do peacekeeping_

_NATO Operation Unified Protector – NATO actually were the ones who ran the show, and Unified Protector was the name of the mission – 'unified' because we had air, land and sea components and 'protector' because the first goal of our mandate was the protection of civilians_

_HMCS Vancouver – that one I have because in my year at UBC, I couldn't like…just not do any forces work, so I participated in some really cool exercises with this ship in the port of Vancouver _

"_How about this one?" Clare asked softly as she touched a silver medal with the Canadian maple leaf engraved it in, surrounded by another engraving of a wreath. It had Eli's name engraved on it, and its ribbon was red, with small vertical blue lines on it. _

"_That's…the Medal of Bravery. It was awarded to me after, well, you know…after what happened. It was pretty cool actually – it's awarded by the Queen of England technically, so when I landed in London on my way home, she sent a British officer to the airport to deliver it to me," Eli explained. _

"_It has your name engraved on it," Clare said as she blissfully adjusted her head on his chest. _

"_Yeah, and apparently I can put the letters MB after my name now, like a degree. Weird, no?" Eli asked with a smirk. _

"_It's not weird at all," Clare asserted at once. "It's because you're a hero," she added, even more assertively. _

She leaned in for another slow kiss, and was startled out of her mind when she head a,

"Ugh, _gross_! Save the baby-making for when that girl has a ring on her finger," and she buried her red face in Eli's neck just for a second before pulling out to see Adam, whose voice she had recognized at once.

However, when Adam's face reconstructed from slight disgust to a broad smile, Clare also smiled.

She was even feeling comfortable enough to playfully hold her left hand up to Adam and show him her special ring from Eli. However, Adam just rolls his eyes, obviously not falling for her trick.

"Well, now that you two have both come to your senses and all is right with the world again and I can resume my position of number one relationship cheerleader – they need this fool inside, Clare, so you're gonna have to release him from that death grip," Adam continued as Eli shot him a playful glare.

Clare reluctantly got up from Eli's lap, and she immediately took his hand as the group of free friends began walking, intertwining their fingers at once as Eli shot her a very satisfied look.

Clare watched that night as promotions were granted – Col. Stevenson promoted both Eli and Daniel to Lieutenant, and Clare was grateful that Eli had already told her that this was only a formality – because his time abroad was done, or else she would have panicked.

If Eli would ever have to go abroad, Clare knew that she would only have one choice.

_She would go with him. _

Because there was _no way_ that she could stay back and worry about him minute after minute, day after day. Not after what she had been through – she had already reached the end of her wits and got given a folded up flag while she listened to the guns giving one last shot for him.

But Eli had told her that technically, his time with the army was completely finished – he had been honorably discharged after receiving his medal, but he just felt bad 'ditching early' as he had put it. So he would spend next summer working for the Pearson Peacekeeping Centre in Toronto, as a research assistant and writer for Col. Stevenson, who had been hired by the Centre to do some policy work. Eli had a year left of his Master's, having been given the three credits he needed to finish his undergrad by the Creative Writing Department after he had completed his book. Clare was extremely proud of his achievements, and she knew that with Eli by her side, she would regain her academic side after the Lorenzo fiasco.

She stood by his side and held the covers of his books open as he modestly signed copies for everyone – not really liking the attention and saying that the book would never have occurred without everyone sharing so much with him, which he was infinitely grateful for – he said this during a thank-you speech whose entirety left Clare beaming with pride at the boy she loved.

She laughed loudly, without any inhibition at a boy who Eli had told her was named Tex, who had way too many beers and proceeded to spend a large portion of the evening yelling, "So…ladies, I'm Tex! In the book – that's me! Eli based that character on me!" and Clare remembered his story indeed – it was rather glorious, so she could tell why the boy wanted there to be no doubts as to who he was so as to 'attract the ladies' as he heard him say.

She laughed even louder when she saw that Tex's technique…_worked_. He danced with many pretty girls, one of who Clare saw soon stayed with him for the rest of the night, and when she approached Eli to confirm Tex's story, Clare could feel her stomach physically hurt as she laughed at Eli's perfect seriousness as he stated over and over again that yes indeed, Tex was entirely the origin of that story, shooting her playful looks all the time, making her laugh even louder. She honestly could not remember the last time that she had laughed so hard – and as she looked around at everyone, Eli having proudly introduced her to them all, she immediately knew what Eli meant about the people in this room being his family away from his family and his home away from home.

She loved them, and she loved telling them all about her grandpa when they noticed her medal – being really impressed that it belonged to their same regiment, a detail that Clare was sure her grandpa hadn't told her on purpose, wanting her to be pleasantly surprised. Once an older Colonel said that medal made her this regiment's 'permanent daughter', her eyes almost welled up with tears – her grandfather had known that all along, Clare knew, but his modesty prevented him from boasting too much.

"Clare, I'd like you to introduce you to someone if you're up to it," she heard Eli say as his hand touched her hand gently, and she snapped out of her reminiscing of the night's earlier events to nod up at Eli at once, loving that he would hold her hand when he walked by her side.

Clare then saw Eli approach a boy about his own age walking with…surely what must be his younger brother.

"Clare, this is Dean," Eli said.

"…and my brother Patrick," Dean supplied, pointing to the twelve-year old boy.

"You…your legs," Clare gasped, remembering his picture from the news and being amazed that Dean was not in a wheelchair…he was walking perfectly.

Dean smiled kindly at Clare and he lifted his pant leg to reveal a prosthetic. "Best one there is. I can thank your boy here – he wrote me a paper and I got it for free – all my medical for free, and done right away in the States too," Dean explained as Eli modestly shook his head.

"Dean and I spent a lot of time together, so I just wanted you to meet him," Eli said, and Clare absolutely loved that she came tonight – not only because it led to the moment she had dreamt of for so long now, but also because she knew it was one of the last times that all these boys and girls would be together – and they were such an important part of Eli's life, and she wanted to know them all.

So when she saw another couple walk purposefully towards Eli, she was excited to meet them as well. She noticed the man had a uniform with three lines on his shoulder, so….perhaps he had been Eli's superior?

"Lieutenant…I mean…Lieutenant-Commander Sean," Eli said with a huge smirk. "You made it," he added as Eli and Sean shook hands.

"I wouldn't miss my own damn's regiment party, Eli. Good book – I _actually_ read it," Sean added as Eli noticed the pretty girl on his arm. Could it really be…?

The girl then shook her blonde hair before smiling broadly and saying, "And he wasn't the only one who read it. I did too – it got me through a divorce you know. Brought me back to the man who loves me and who I love," the girl declared, and Clare loved what she had just said. That was the power of Eli's writing…his words could change lives; literally, through grants such as the one that had given Dean his leg, or also literally…though re-uniting love.

Lieutenant, or now Lieutenant-Commander rather, Sean Cameron was absolutely beaming as he said, "Eli…I'd like you to meet…my Emma. My fiancé," and Eli flashed a huge smile at the man who he had so much respect for.

"It's a pleasure to finally meet you, ma'am," Eli said respectfully.

"And I'd like to meet…Clare," Eli said, the love in his tone completely obvious, as Clare corrected him, "Eli's Clare," as she shook the hands of both LtCdr Sean and his fiancé.

Eli then added, "Kind of cool, actually. LtCdr Sean actually went to Degrassi - before I did though, and you too probably Clare," Eli said, his math a little fuzzy.

"Wow, no way," Clare said enthusiastically, "Maybe you know my sister Darcy?" she asked.

"Um, sorry," LtCdr Sean replied, but Clare saw Emma's face light up as she said, "Of course! Another Edwards girl?" Emma asked as Clare nodded in response and told Emma that Darcy had opted to remain in Kenya and rebuild her life there, and was now the humanitarian co-ordinator of the country's Free the Children chapter.

"So," LtCdr Sean added with a smirk of his own, "It's great to finally meet Eli's Clare. I'm really glad I did, you know," as Eli smiled a little to the side.

"And I hope you'll come have dinner with us soon – I want to hear all about everything," Clare enthusiastically said and LtCdr Sean and Emma confirmed at once.

But not even _that_ was Clare's favourite moment of the night. It came five minutes after that meeting, when Tim McGraw and Faith Hill returned to the stage and announced that they would now like to play 'Eli's song' as they referred to it.

It was a custom of the forces, Clare's grandpa told her, to informally select a Queen at each ball – usually the girl who was the best dancer. Part of her duties included starting the first dance – and Faith Hill walked right up to…Clare, pinning a pink ribbon onto her dress. Clare also thought she would have a little heart attack when one of the most beautiful women in the world, who had been on the cover of many magazines and had constantly been voted as one of the 50 sexiest women on the planet, told _her_ she 'loved' _her_ dress.

With the pink Queen of the Ball ribbon pinned onto her dress, Faith explained it was now her job to select a partner and share this special dance with him. Clare didn't hesitate for a single second as she took Eli's hand, and over the following minutes, she was sure that God had let heaven permeate the boundaries of earth just for three minutes...just for her and Eli.

Because after all, they were dancing to _their_ song, Clare knew it.

She needed Eli like a needle needs a vein, like a lighthouse needs the coast, like the Father and the Son need the Holy Ghost. One day, she knew that she did want to lie beside him, skin on the skin, wrap the moon around them, and make love until the sun came up, and until it went again. Eli might have been the one to write that the day that Clare took his hand was the day that he started breathing, but Clare knew that this time – in their reunion, his hand hanging onto hers was what gave _her_ the breath of life again.

Because she needed him, and as he gently swayed their bodies back and forth as she hid her face in his neck, breathing in his scent and feeling happier and safer than ever before, she knew exactly what they had.

They had forever.


	17. Do You Know Me

**Hi everyone, **

**Not really in the mood to share my opinions much after so much hate. Many people have asked me to continue, so I owe them that. Hope you like this chapter and that you leave me a review. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi. **

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Clare softly closed the door behind her, sighing as she leaned against it with a blissful smile on her face.

"Uh oh – I know that look. That, my darling," Helen told her daughter with a yawn, "…that is the Eli look. No one else has been able to put that look on your face, you know," she remarked. "So, I take it things went well?" Helen guessed.

"He said he….loves me. That he never stopped and that he'd take as long as I want to give him to be together," Clare said with a bashful smile and perfectly rosy cheeks.

"And what did you say?" Helen replied, wanting to see if Clare had learnt anything from the past.

"I said I feel the same way and that I want to be together forever," Clare confirmed with a smile.

"Did you apologize?" Helen asked with a slight frown.

"I did!" Clare replied at once, "whenever I got a chance in between Eli's million apologies," she muttered.

Helen sighed and said, "That's wonderful, sweetheart. I'm really happy for you," and she gave a daughter a warm hug. She noticed that Clare hung on a little tighter and a little longer than she had in a long time – and Helen really liked that.

"So, now you and Eli focus on the future, okay? The past is the past. He's said he's sorry, you've said you're sorry – but the past is just that. It's over," Helen advised.

"I know," Clare replied softly.

"Eli too – all right? You might have to help him with that a little, when I talked to him I noticed that boy hangs on to guilt in a death grip. Get him out of that, okay? Just do what you always did with him – have fun and be best friends. How's his health?" Helen asked.

Clare didn't feel all that great when she realized she had never really asked Eli that.

"Um, I didn't specifically ask – got so caught up in talking to him about other things – but he seemed fine. He was walking fine and everything, the leg that he was shot in still twitches a bit oddly sometimes I noticed, and he hangs onto it when he's sitting down or getting up. But, I mean, he seemed fine," Clare supplied.

"Probably all the endorphins running through his body because of the happiness of being with you," Helen said with a sideways smile, the time she had spent growing up around a doctor having had an effect on her.

"Do make sure you're there for him," Helen cautiously continued. "You're not fifteen anymore now, Clare, and Eli's all alone. I'm always here to help you, you know that. But Eli just came back from war and had what, three surgeries in a month is it? Keep a close eye on him for a while – at least until you're all back at school in January. It's really hard to come back from the front lines, and he was captured and tortured, and he has to go back to school now – just be there for him," Helen cautioned.

"I want to," Clare said resolutely. "Eli was on my side even when I was wrong. He looked out for me even after our most horrible break-up. But…mom, I think now we might have another problem," Clare shyly admitted.

"What's that?" Helen asked with a raised eyebrow.

"Eli…I think he's scared of telling me things. Because he thinks he's too messed up. His friend, who's a psychology major, said he has…pervasive trust issues. I don't think…I don't Eli will share his problems with me right off the bat," Clare said sadly, her heart hurting that Eli probably felt like he had to act like that around her.

"Well…you should tell him you're not going anywhere, Clare. He'll get it, bit by bit, he'll understand. It's gonna time, you can't expect him to trust you over night," Helen quietly replied.

"Not…not after how I behaved," Clare completed with a nod before her mom.

"But he's not angry at you or bitter or anything of the sort, and he agreed to take you back. I don't think Eli would agree to do something he doesn't mean," Helen said with a shrug.

"Yeah, you're right about that," Clare said with a smile her mom's way.

It was then that she heard a movement down the stairs and she saw a still-sleepy Jake, hair flying all directions and wearing pyjama bottoms and a white shirt come down the stairs, looking extremely embarrassed as he asked Clare,

"Hey…how did it go tonight?"

Seeing him so nervous and…slightly humiliated, Clare almost felt bad for him. _Almost._

"Fine. Eli is my boyfriend now, Jake," Clare said softly. "And I'd appreciate it if you don't talk to him," she added.

"Sorry," Jake said. "I can apologize if you want. I know I crossed a line, but I'm happy you and Eli-" Jake began, but Clare cut him off rapidly.

"Stop it. Just stop it," Clare said, shaking her head. "I forgive you, all right?" she whispered and she saw Jake exhale in relief and flash her a huge smile.

Clare, however, then added, "But I don't want you to Eli. Not for a while, anyway. Not for a long while. It might be rocky for a while – between me and him – and I don't need him seeing you. There's just too many memories associated with you," she said, shaking her head and wondering how she could have been so off in thinking Jake would have ever wanted the same things in a relationship that Eli clearly did.

"Fair enough," Jake said as he raised his hands in a defensive gesture. He slowly said, "I don't really care about Eli's forgiveness, to be honest. I don't think I owe him anything," Jake smugly said. "But as long as my sister talks to me, I'm good," and Clare just rolled her eyes at Jake as he went back up the stairs and into his bed, himself rolling his eyes at Clare's dramatic ways.

"He'll come around, sweetheart," Helen gently advised.

"I could care less about Jake," Clare scoffed, and Helen figured she shouldn't start another battle with her daughter tonight – Clare had had a long day, after all. A good day of course – the best – but still a long day.

"Why don't you head on up to bed, sweetheart?" Helen gently asked.

"Okay," Clare replied with a small smile, and she led the way up the stairs.

"Mom?" she asked in a whisper before heading in the direction of her room.

"Yes, Clare?" Helen replied.

She then watched as a slow, pleased smile spread across her daughter's face, lighting up her eyes as she whispered, "Eli said I looked better than a princess tonight".

"Well – that's because you do, sweetheart. You really do," Helen said with a smile as she looked Clare in her pretty dress and special jewels up and down. "I see you have Eli's medal next to my daddy's," she added.

"Oh!" Clare exclaimed. "I forgot to give it to him. I'll do that the next time I see him," she added thoughtfully.

"When's that?" Helen asked.

"I don't know. We don't have any plans. He said he'd give me a call tomorrow, but you know, it's Christmas and all," she continued.

"Is Eli spending it with his aunt and uncle?" Helen asked, an idea forming in her mind.

"His aunt went back to Hamilton tonight – left early with Mia," Clare informed her mom, "Eli couldn't go because he's not allowed to travel far yet – doctor's orders he said".

"So he's going to be all alone on Christmas Day?" Helen asked with a frown.

"He said he doesn't mind," Clare said in a small voice. "He says that's just the way it is because he's still not okay to travel yet," she added with a shrug.

She then looked up at her mom full of hope and smiled when Helen declared, "Just because it's the way it _is _doesn't mean _it should be_. Invite him over, Clare. It's the Christian thing to do".

"I can?" Clare said gratefully.

"Of course, darling. He's your boyfriend isn't he?" Helen asked with a cheeky smile, knowing that Clare would like any excuse to confirm just what Eli was to her now.

"He is. He's my boyfriend," Clare said ecstatically as Helen gave her a playful roll of her eyes.

"But…" Clare hesitated, "That would be okay with Glen…and Jake?" she asked.

"Glen won't mind because it's what I want, and Jake will behave himself I'm sure – I'll make sure to make everything he like so he'll just be busy eating most of the time," Helen said with a wink.

"Thank you, mom," Clare said gratefully, and she gave her mom a quick hug before retreating to her room and snuggling into bed happier than she had been in a long time.

At the other end of the hall, Helen was rubbing her eyes sleepily as Glen pulled her into an embrace, waking up when she came into bed.

"Sorry, sorry," she whispered, feeling bad for having woken him up, knowing that he was exhausted as he had finished up a large renovating job just earlier today.

"It's okay," he confirmed at once. "Clare okay?" he asked.

"She's great, she got Eli back," Helen confirmed.

"That's good, it's what you wanted, right?" Glen muttered sleepily.

"Yes. He's coming to Christmas dinner, he's got no one," Helen replied.

"Cool," Glen replied nonchalantly, "I'll make sure my boy behaves himself," he said with a laugh.

"Oh, I'm not worried about Jake," Helen said lovingly.

"Okay. Happy for Clare, but more so, happy for you. I know this is what you want," Glen said, tiredness in his voice.

"You bet," Helen replied, "Eli's good for Clare now. It _needs_ to be him – because I definitely don't need _another Lorenzo_. I need someone I can trust to keep Clare safe, not practically assault her. I need someone who I can trust to protect her, and to make her smart, not stupid. And at least with Eli I _know_ what I'm dealing with – I can iron out the few problems he's got left. I'd rather have him than anyone else any day, trust me," Helen said assertively as Glen nodded, being extremely glad that Jake had been a boy – he never could imagine looking after a girl for two decades if _that's_ the kind of stuff it took.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"Mmm," Clare softly moaned in between kisses as she played with the hair at the back of Eli's neck as she sat on his lap on his leather couch. She had been the one to ambush him when she first got to his apartment. She had giggled at the sight of him – still wearing PJ pants and grey forces shirt, his hair all messy and clearly just out of bed – and eagerly led him to the couch and sat on his lap and began doing what they had now been doing for the last fifteen minutes. Eli had definitely been taken aback, and while he was loving every second of it, he was starting to wonder what had sprung this on – Clare had never acted like this when they had been dating, and he didn't like the feeling of not understanding why she was doing things. Not again. Last time it had led to a disaster.

"God, I love you," she whispered breathlessly as her fingers roamed through his hair, and Eli smirked back as he confirmed the felt the same way.

"I'm so glad you can come to dinner," she got out as she moved her kisses to Eli's neck, making him jump slightly in surprise.

"Uh huh," Eli confirmed with a gasp, keeping his hands tightly around Clare, massaging the area below her bra strap – he wanted to venture up and touch it, he really did, but he didn't want to screw up with her – and above the waistband of her dark skinny jeans.

When Clare moved her hands to the buttons of his grey shirt, he took a deep breath and gently took them in his, saying, "I…I can't," confusing Clare.

"What do you mean?" she asked, confusion in her blue eyes.

"You don't want to take my shirt off," Eli said in a low tone.

"Why not?" Clare asked with a cheeky smile.

"Way too soon," he said in between strangled breaths as Clare had resumed her kisses of his neck, "and…I have…" he stumbled.

"You have what?" Clare asked with a giggle.

"Scars," Eli deadpanned, and Clare pulled away, leaning back into his embrace to look at him curiously.

"I don't mind, Eli, really," she said warmly.

Eli begged to differ, however, but he didn't say so out loud. He thought Clare would be horrified and disgusted with him, so he redid the button that she had undone and breathed deeply.

"But you will," he said in a low voice, and Clare didn't like the way he said that or the way his eyes wouldn't meet hers at all.

It was a few seconds before he intertwined their fingers and said, "It's not like…not like they'll be there forever. Or that's what the doctors say. Just one of them, because they did operate on my heart," he explained, and Clare's entire face fell in worry and pain at the thought of how Eli had to be cut open. "They'll heal, Clare. But…it might take a long time, the doctors said," Eli continued as he shyly met her gaze, and Clare understood that he was talking about more than just his physical war wounds.

"I'm not going anywhere," she said with conviction in her voice, and Eli drew her in for a soft and sweet kiss, wishing he could make love to her right here and now, but knowing that just kissing her like this was enough.

Clare loved how warm his body was, and if she wasn't so distracted by being with him like she had dreamed of for so long now – ever since he had come back to Canada – she might have caught onto the fact that Eli's body temperature was due to a rising fever, and not just the excitement of her kisses and caresses.

"Me either," Eli said breathlessly as Clare began kissing his neck again, making him close his eyes and breathe deeply as he forget about all the thoughts that usually plagued his restless mind.

When he felt Clare's hands rest on the waistband of his pyjama pants, he inhaled sharply, wanting to flip her over so he could set the pace for a while, but his feverish mind and body were confusing him – was this actually happening or was it one of his better dreams? Clare's speed and determination was catching him by total surprise, and it was only when he felt her hands actually reach _inside _his pyjama bottoms in one fell swoop that he gasped breathlessly, opened his eyes widely, and choked out,

"W-What, oh my God Clare, w-what are you doing?" looking down to see if he was actually dreaming or not.

He wasn't.

"Just relax," he heard Clare say back with a giggle, and when he felt her actually touch him through his underwear, he pulled her hands out of his pyjama pants quickly, and stood up so fast that he left a very embarrassed, red-faced Clare behind on the couch as he took deep breaths to calm himself down.

"Jesus, Clare," he exclaimed.

"I just thought….I thought you might like it. I thought my boyfriend might actually be attracted to me – but forgive me, I was wrong," she replied back as her face was shaking in anger.

Eli panicked right away – this impression of Clare's that he did not desire her had been a sore point for the two of them in the past, and she simply couldn't be more wrong about it.

"God, Clare, you have no idea how much I want you," Eli said in exasperation.

"Then why did you stop me?" Clare shot back, pulling her knees up to her chest on the couch.

"Because! It is literally the second day we have gotten back together," Eli pointed out.

"I'm not fifteen anymore. I know about this stuff now," Clare replied.

"And that has nothing to do it," Eli tried to make her see, jealousy steaming out from his every pore at the thought of Clare doing that to anybody else, and letting anyone else take off her clothes.

"It's just…not my style," Eli began explaining, "doing that…so soon. I know it's not like we're new boyfriend and girlfriend…but to me…every kiss still _feels_ like our amazing Romeo and Juliet kiss, Clare," he confessed.

"You pushed me away," Clare replied stubbornly, and Eli thought that he could see tears forming in her eyes, so he immediately headed over to her on the couch, and very slowly put his arm around her, feeling so incredibly relieved when she left him pull her in for a hug.

"That's not because I don't want to be with you, Clare. You have no idea how many times I've dreamed that exact scenario - from Toronto to London to Afghanistan, I've lied in bed, imagining you were next to me and I could brush the curls out of your face so I could see your pretty eyes," Eli confessed.

"You have?" Clare asked shyly, her blue eyes looking up right at Eli as he gave her a tight squeeze.

"God, yes," Eli said with a deep exhale.

"And…what exactly happens in these dreams of yours?" Clare teased Eli with an innocent look on her face as she ran her index finger down his chest over his grey army shirt.

"Umm…nothing," Eli teased back.

"Nothing?" Clare asked curiously, leaning in for a slow kiss. "Liar," she whispered as she pulled away and rested her head on Eli's chest.

"Well, there may be…clothing removal involved," Eli confessed as he kissed her curls.

"What do we do then in said dream?" Clare asked, just as much innocence in her voice as before, driving Eli completely crazy.

"You let me kiss you…everywhere," Eli replied as he moved his kisses to Clare's neck, brushing her curls away so he could leave a trail of butterfly kisses, feeling Clare's entire body shudder.

"Uh huh," Clare moaned breathlessly, "And what else?" she asked in a whimper.

"That's about as far as I could get," Eli says with a chuckle. "I'd always…um…it'd be over right at that point," Eli stumbled.

"Oh, come on," Clare teased Eli, "that writer's imagination isn't all that imaginative after all," she went on and Eli met her with a groan of frustration.

"Well maybe that writer's imagination knew it shouldn't be thinking about such things in the first place," Eli teased, and Clare felt a little guilty at that comment.

"I'm glad you thought about me when you were on your army tour of duty. I'm glad you didn't just…forget me," Clare confessed as Eli's kisses were travelling up and down her arm.

"I could - never – forget – you -." He said, alternating each word with a kiss.

"I love you," Clare breathed back, all of her insecurities returning to her. It would take a long time for his scars to heal – he had practically admitted that flat-out, she thought in a panic.

He already doesn't seem to be sure that I love him, she thought critically. He doesn't think I love him, and after everything that's happened, of course he thinks I loved Jake and everyone more than I say I love him. I have to do something, I need to show him that I love him, Clare thought resolutely as she wiggled around in Eli's hug, setting herself a bit free and lunging down to his waist, popping open the button of his pyjama pants as she heard an uncontrollable moan escape him.

"Clare," she then heard him say as he lifted her in his arms, stood up, and set her down on the couch, leaving her embarrassed and alone all over again.

"You don't _want _me! You _never _did!" She exploded.

It was only when she looked at Eli's face and his teary eyes that she was taken aback.

"No, Clare…I think it's _you_ that doesn't want _me_," he said solemnly, and when he just left her like that – heading into his bedroom and closing the door behind him, she was left even more confused than ever.

It took her a whole twenty minutes to work up the courage to open his door, and when she did, she didn't like that he was in bed, his covers tightly around him, tears down his cheeks. _That _was certainly something that she never expected.

"I try…I try to _be with you_ and you _cry_?" she asked as she kneeled beside his bed.

"Clare – it's been _two days_. _Two days_ and we're already fighting. This is exactly what I was trying to tell you. You and I are not gonna work," Eli deadpanned.

"And you know why?" he continued, sounding perfectly wounded. "Because the main problem we had isn't fixed. And it's not my bipolarity – because that will never be fixed," he added.

"What's our main problem?" Clare asked in a whisper.

"I thought we could make it better you know…and then…this happens. Don't you get it, Clare? The _minute_ you and I stop communicating – the _very minute_ we don't have good communication anymore – it's over for us. It's done, we can just kiss our relationship goodbye," Eli highlighted, and Clare was taken aback by his words.

"Why were you doing that stuff back there, Clare? The _truth_," Eli asked with a seriousness on his face that Clare has never seen before.

"I just wanted to –" she stumbled.

"Go on," Eli encouraged her.

"I wanted to show you I love you! I need to do something – _anything_- because I know you don't trust me yet! And I don't know what it can be, and I'm running out of time, and words mean nothing – so I just….I wanted to do something, and I thought…I thought guys like that," Clare finally exploded.

Eli's mouth was open in shock for a minute before he said, "God, Clare, _that's_ why? I knew you didn't want to do that with me because you actually wanted to. I just…I hate how – "Eli said, but he turned around and buried his face in his pillow. It took Clare a few gentle touches and a kiss to his temple to get him to re-emerge again.

"I hate how…sex…is a sore point between you and me. You already know that I'll wait for you – however long it takes. I don't have a problem with it; I knew a long time ago that it's what's gotta be. But you….you make me feel guilty and…all wrong when it comes to anything sexual. It's _always_ got to do with how you gotta _prove _something to me – when I _never_ asked you for _any_ of that. It makes it even more complicated than it already is – and everything gets all messed up. I never asked for what you were trying to do, and from now on it's associated with horrible memories. I hate how…you feel like I have…needs or something, and that you _have to_ fill them out or I'll walk out, because that's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. I hate how…what you just said – that giving me what you wanted to give me would somehow prove that you love me. The only thing it would prove, Clare, is that either you have forgotten who I am or….or that you never knew me at all," Eli finished, standing up against his headboard as he watch Clare listen to him, her expression blank.

He never expected her to burst into sobs and sink down to the floor, but that's what she did.

"Woah, woah, I'm sorry, I'm sorry," Eli caved at once, jumping out of bed to pick her up at once. Her entire body was shaking and he gently wiped the mascara off her tear-stained cheeks as he settled her into his bed, holding her shaking form tightly until her sobs subsided.

"God, I can be such a huge jerk," Eli said with a laugh once she calmed down, and he softly kissed her shoulder over and over again until Clare finally spoke.

"You were right…it's just that…." Clare trailed off, not wanting to finish.

"Those other guys wanted you to do that. I get it now," Eli said, gritting his teeth at the realization.

"Do you think I'm a…_slut?_" Clare whispered in horror, fresh tears in her eyes as she hid her gaze from Eli's.

She felt Eli gently rub her back over and over again as he softly said, "Absolutely not. Not for one second, Clare Edwards. You loved them. They were your boyfriends. Some of them obviously took advantage and played with your mind. Clare…if you regret anything…that's okay. You can make it through this. I'm gonna love you through it, all right?" Eli said as he flashed her a soft smirk and pushed her bangs back so he could press a kiss to her forehead.

"How do you….how do you still love me?" Clare whispered incredulously.

"Clare…if I love someone, I love them forever," Eli plainly said. "I always thought a man should save all his love for only one woman…like my dad always said. After Julia passed and I met you…I knew that woman was you," Eli told her.

"But what if we never got back together?" Clare asked.

"It would still be you, but I'd also be open to…life. It…it was really hurtful for me to see you with Jake, Clare. So soon after us, to see you with him. How do you think that felt? You were so _so _happy with him that I knew you didn't love me anymore. I had a hard time processing that – how you can fall in love with someone like that – and once I went off my meds, well…you know I lost it. But even before that, I'd sit in my bed for hours, wondering how love can fall apart like that. It wasn't until after the play when I talked to my dad and he said that not everyone loves like I do, and that I would have to get used to that. He told me that…real men let the women who don't love them anymore go…because they do love them. He said real men learn to let go to make the woman they love happy, because her happiness means more than yours. I saw he was right, and I wanted you to be happy," Eli said with a shrug.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry for how I acted with Jake," Clare said.

"You don't have anything to apologize for, Clare," Eli told her. "You loved him. You have to fight for love when you have it, because it's so rare to find," Eli said with a shrug.

"I want to fight for our love," Clare pleaded. "That's the love of my life, Eli," she insisted.

Eli then added, "Clare…do you remember what I said about communication? How the minute that you and stop communicating, our relationship is as good as dead?" he asked, and Clare nodded.

"We need to talk now, you know. About sex," Eli deadpanned.

He lifted up Clare's hand and kissed the ring that he had put on that finger and said, "I'll wait for you, and I'm asking you to wait for me too," he continued as Clare's blue eyes stared up at him.

"I don't know how I feel about my vow anymore," Clare admitted.

"Really? Because I think I do," Eli said with a deep breath.

"I think that…it's way too early for me and you to do what you were trying to do back there. There was zero meaning behind it – and when there's no meaning behind it….well, I just don't do that, Clare. I don't…It feels all casual, and wrong. I don't think sex should be casual. I only want to do that with the person I love, when the time is right," Eli said as Clare nodded.

He then chuckled as he said, "Until then I've got my dreams….which never get that far before I lose it anyway," and Clare rewarded him with a giggle.

She then felt Eli slide off her blouse just a bit – so he could kiss her shoulder properly, his lips touching her skin and making her whimper in pleasure – as he murmured, "There's no pressure with me…or worry…because I could kiss you and hold you the rest of my life and be the happiest guy on Earth…" before he began kissing every inch of Clare neck, and she pulled him on top of her.

Once Eli pulled away and supported himself above her, seeing her perfectly crab-red face, he continued, "And let me tell you something. I think…those guys you dated…they played with your mind and made you confused about things. I think they did…pressure you, or some of them, indirectly or directly. And I think…they are the ones who put this idea in your mind of 'proving' things," Eli deadpanned as Clare nodded shyly. Eli leaned down and gave her a sweet kiss before running his fingers through her hair, kissing her forehead and saying,

"And should he surprise me and exist, God owes me one for this," with a groan, "but I think I do know how you feel about your purity vow. I think you still want it to be with someone who loves you and wants to be with you forever," as Clare nodded and Eli caressed her arm, stopping to kiss the tips of her collarbones ever so gently.

"But most importantly…I think that you will feel best – and I think you'd be all right in other conditions, don't get me wrong, but… I think you'd feel the happiest and the best that you could if…on your wedding day you wear a beautiful white dress that has a special meaning," Eli said, boldly running his hand down Clare's side and making her shiver in pleasure, "carry pretty white flowers," he added, kissing each of her fingers and twirling her special Qatar ring, "hide those pretty eyes behind a shimmery veil," he whispered as Clare closed her eyes in pleasure at his touch and soon felt his lips on her eyelids, "and walk down the aisle…like a princess. Dressed in white, looking up at the man you'll build a life with…happy, excited, confident, absolutely beautiful and…virginal," Eli whispered as Clare felt his lips millimetres away from hers, his breath on her face. When she opened her eyes, she traced his lips with her fingertips as she breathed,

"Yes," and she kept her fingers on his lips as he added, "Now, you can tell me all you want you'd be okay with things sooner, but…deep down in my heart I know that's what would make you the absolute happiest that you can be. And I'm not blind anymore - I know there's a good chance that guy waiting for you at the end of the aisle may not be me. I'll do and say many stupid things from now on, I'm sure. But I sure as hell would like a chance, and…I can have my part in making sure that day is as happy as can be for you. I'm in, Clare, just like I told you when we got back together. This thing here that we're doing, me and you – I'm all in. Let's honour your vow. I've made so many mistakes, Clare…but this one, I won't screw up. I want you to trust me. I'll never get carried away, and I'll never pressure you into anything, because none of it means anything if it's done that way. And you mean the world to me, Clare. I never want to mistreat you again," Eli finally finished, leaving Clare's eyes stinging with tears.

"I love you, I love you, I love you," Clare breathed in between the many kisses that she answered Eli's words with. "You're the only guy that's ever cared about my virginity," she whispered.

"That's because care about _everything _that's part of you. I love every single part of you, and that's part of you," Eli whispered back.

"I want it to be you, Eli. I want it to be you waiting at the end of the aisle for me. I want it to be you who I spend my wedding night with. I want it to be you with I give myself to….in every possible way," Clare said assertively, wrapping her legs around Eli and gasping softly when she felt his body's reaction to her words and actions.

It took him a couple of seconds to get himself together, but Eli eventually answered, "Clare….that would be the pleasure of my life. When…do you ever think about what age you'd get married at?" he asked, trying to sound casual, but Clare could see him starting a by-the-second countdown in his mind right away.

"I don't know…after college, when I have a job, I guess," she replied, softly moaning as Eli kissed her neck.

"Okay," she heard him reply, feeling his whole body quiver before he said, "I…we gotta stop," and she instantly felt bad – she knew things were difficult for Eli and she realized now just how much he'd want to make love to her right here and now, and she was glad he had the strength in him to get up from the bed – heading for the washroom rather quickly and trying to hide everything from her – because she sure didn't.

The image that Eli had described to her was still floating in her mind.

"…_Dressed in white, looking up at the man you'll build a life with…happy, excited, confident, absolutely beautiful and…virginal…"_

She knew that he was right, she thought as she covered herself up with his sheets.

She really hoped that it would be Eli waiting for her at the end of the aisle, though.

She wanted her wedding day with him.

She wanted her wedding night with him.

She even wanted a baby with him. Or two, or maybe even three.

She wanted forever.

She never wanted to leave his side ever again.

She wanted it with such a tenacity that it almost scared her.

She had been so close to losing – relationship wise only a small part of it all – the boy she loved, and she needed to make sure it would never happen again.

She couldn't keep hurting him – even tonight, she had hurt him, offended him by what she had tried to do.

He had been right.

They needed to make sure they kept communicating well.

She needed to listen to him, and she knew it.

XXXXXXXXXXX –Five hours later-

Five hours later, Helen Edwards received a very urgent call from her daughter.

"Mom!" she all but screamed when Helen picked up.

"Clare Edwards, I know you've missed Eli, but you were supposed to go over to get him and bring him back – you've been gone five hours now!" Helen said, exasperated. "I'm setting the table in an hour, I'd like you to help," she said. "What on earth have you been doing anyway?" Helen asked, and Clare instantly decided against giving her mom a play-by-play of what exactly she had tried to do with Eli.

"Nothing, just talking, but mom, Eli's sick!" Clare said in a complete panic. After their long talk and after Eli had calmed himself down, all alone in the bathroom, it was only then when Clare had noticed how pale he looked, and she finally clued into his body's warm temperature.

"What's wrong with him?" Helen asked at once.

"He's got a fever. He says the doctors told him it would happen – side effect of some vaccinations he was given?" Clare asked helplessly, hating how clueless she was in all of this.

"Oh, of course, very common after surgery," Helen said, being familiar with how many times she would hide behind her dad's legs after he came out of surgery and told the loved one of his patients' not to be alarmed if they develop a fever.

"Mom, I can't leave him," Clare stubbornly said. "He's asleep now," she added.

"Clare Diana Edwards, it's Christmas dinner!" Helen reproached her at once.

"Mom," Clare whispered shakily.

She heard Helen sigh deeply as she said, "Well, I suppose you're right. You can't just leave him all alone. It wouldn't be the Christian thing to do. Give him another hour of rest and I'll send Glen to come get you guys. Eli needs to eat if he's ever gonna get better, and I don't even want to imagine the kind of care that boy is taking of himself. I found him half-dead last time I checked on him. Let him sleep, and his fever's not too high, right?" Helen asked, and upon hearing the number from Clare, she declared,

"All right, then. Eli will still come to Christmas dinner as planned, but just for a bit, just so he can get something to eat. I'll whip up a soup from some of the roast drippings and make sure to have things that are good for him. Then he can get up to bed in Jake's room," Helen said, thinking out loud.

"Jake's gonna hate that, no way," Clare said at once.

"Jake is a Christian too, you let me deal with him," Helen said at once. "Maybe…I don't know, Clare, but maybe he can stay in your room, but…I don't really like that," Helen said.

"Mom…about that…Eli and I just talked on that subject. He wants me to do my vow," Clare said, her cheeks flaming.

"Really?" Helen said, and Clare noticed that she didn't sound all that surprised.

"Well, all right then. We'll figure out where he can sleep later. Just get him over here so he can eat. Nice and slow, okay? Take it easy on him. We got plenty of time," Helen instructed her daughter before they said their good-byes and hung up.

Clare returned Eli's phone to its stand and rushed back to his side, spooning him tightly and keeping her fingers interlocked with his as she pressed many kisses to his temple, pushing his hair back.

"Please be okay. Please be okay. Please, God, let him be okay soon. He's suffered enough now. Enough now, please. He doesn't need any more suffering. He deserves to be happy now. Please, let me make him happy. Let me show him how it feels to be loved, please. Please," she softly said, over and over again, feeling every inch of Eli's hot skin against hers as he softly moved around, murmuring incomprehensible things every once in a while. He was so sweaty and so hot, but Clare didn't care – she just hung onto him tightly, kissing his temple and forehead, keeping the sheets tightly around both of them so he could stay warm.

When he started whimpering, she began getting even more alarmed – she didn't like this one bit.

"Shh. Shh. You're okay. You're okay," she kept saying over and over again, pushing his sweaty bangs back and hanging onto him so tightly that she noticed she was leaving an imprint on his skin.

But he only began shaking harder and harder, and now Clare was able to catch bits and pieces of the things he was saying, his eyelids fluttering with the motions of what was clearly a nightmare rather than a dream.

What was he saying? Clare noticed that his hands were moving as if they were holding onto something…and her heart sank when she realized what it was. A gun. He was having war nightmares…and right away she remembered that he had said he now also had had PTSD.

"Don't…I'm not telling you….put it down! Give it back!" he was whimpering, his voice getting louder and louder and more urgent as each second went by. Clare watched him, troubled, as he went on, "NOT HER! LET HER GO! GET HER HANDS OFF OF HER RIGHT NOW! I'LL TELL YOU EVERYTHING….EVERYTHING…YOU CAN KILL ME….KILL ME AFTER…JUST DON'T TOUCH HER!" and knowing he couldn't go on like that for another second, she gave him a tight squeeze and kissed his shoulder.

"Eli! Eli! You're okay! You're in Toronto! You came back! You're safe! You're with me, Clare! I'm right here – right here with you," she shouted, and he woke up with a jolt, shivering uncontrollably.

Clare had never seen anything like this before.

It was truly frightening.

Eli was sweaty – so sweaty, and when she saw him touch his pants and sheets, Clare realized that he was afraid that he had wet the bed. He…did that? She had never read about that; to her PTSD sort of only meant nightmares.

He was panting profusely, and clutching the bed sheets tightly, and she had to guide him to lean against the headboard of his bed, hugging him sideways and keeping her hand right above his heart, moving it over in a circular motion.

"Shh. Shh. You're okay, Eli. You're okay," Clare said over and over again, pressing a kiss to his chest every so often. It took a long time, but eventually she noticed that he was able to regain a normal breathing pattern, and she ran her hands through his hair gently and kissed his temple.

"Bad dream?" she asked gently.

"I have –" Eli said in a throaty voice, and Clare cut him off just as gently.

"I know. You told me. How often? How often do you get the nightmares?" she asked.

"Every night," Eli whispered, not wanting to worry Clare, but not being able to hide things from her because the hypocrisy of doing that right after they had just talked about the importance of proper communication struck him across the face.

"What?" Clare whispered in horror, making Eli put up all of his guards at once.

"It's no big deal. I can handle it. Pretend you never heard about it," he said strictly.

"Eli - don't. Don't pull away from me. Please, Eli, please, don't push me away," Clare whispered shakily, and Eli embraced her at once.

"I'm not…I'm not. But…this is no one's problem but my own," he said, just as stubbornly.

"Why is that my problems always are ours – yours too, but your problems are not mine? Why? Why is it like that?" Clare asked in anger.

"Because! Didn't you learn from last time? I know _I_ did!" Eli replied.

Clare took a deep breath and said, "Eli…we don't have a chance in hell if you don't let me in," staring him right in the eyes.

"I don't want to take you down this road _again_," Eli said, raising his hands in frustration.

"It's not the same, and you know it's not, Eli. Don't use this as an excuse," Clare said sternly.

She then gently added, "I don't care if you have PTSD. Everyone does that comes back, I read. Do you…do you know that I ran into Daniel and Imogen when we all thought you had died?" Clare whispered, and Eli's face is overcome by a look of worry.

She continued, "He was…I know he's not like that anymore, but…Eli, he had something really serious going on. And She stood in front of him, Eli, and crossed the street. You should have seen the way she clutched his hand – just in her body language, Eli she clearly spelled it out. She was never going to leave him alone. She was going to love him through it. But he let her, Eli! He let her, and now they're married and you say they might have a baby soon! If you don't let me, we don't stand a chance," Clare argued.

It took Eli a long time to speak, and when he did, he simply whispered, "What do you want to know?"

Clare exhaled in relief and pressed another kiss to Eli's chest and said, "Everything. But you can start by telling me what your nightmare was about. Because…I need to know. I need to know now, Eli".

She saw him hesitate and squirm uncomfortably, so she felt the need to supply for him, "You…were remembering the night you were captured…"

He just nodded, his eyes closed.

"But…there was something different about it," Clare went on, remembering the pronouns she had heard Eli use.

"They had your picture," he said, his voice so small that Clare barely heard it. "Not in the dream, in real life. They…they took my jacket from me, because part of the whole deal was to make me as cold as possible – the room they had me in was like this freezing cave. And…they looked through it, obviously. Smashed the watch Fiona gave me while it was still on my hand," Eli said, and Clare placed her hand over her mouth in horror – that's why he had that little mark just by his wrist now; it had been struck by glass and metal from the watch.

Eli slowly continued, "And they looked through my jacket, dumbasses thought I kept legal documents or secret information I there," as he scoffed, "But all I had were some pictures. My parents – they ripped the photo from the 70s just like that – Mia, who they thought was my baby, and…that picture of me and you that you took that day at the abandoned church," and Clare nodded because she loved that picture.

"They put your picture out of my reach, placing it side down so I couldn't see it. But…they leered at you, Clare. Their eyes…were all over you. I couldn't take it. I almost told them everything – which would lead to seven mission headquarters blown up, killing about 900 NATO troops and civilian staff – when my mind betrayed me for a second and let me think that they could hurt you. But then I remembered what Daniel had told me one night, when he was writing his 'if you're reading this' letter to Imogen. He said…that he was in Afghanistan so his future kids didn't have to be. And I knew that…I was in Afghanistan so…you could be safe. I know that sounds crazy, but I am crazy, so whatever. I wanted Canada to remain the same…all the things you liked about it…you being safe and being able to do whatever you wanted…those were things I was fighting for, be it indirectly," Eli confessed.

"I love you, I love you, I love you," Clare whispered over and over again softly as she kissed his lips sweetly.

Now that the floodgates had been unleashed, Eli kept going. "But in the nightmares…it's different. You're there. They have you, and I don't know why. But they have you – their hands are on you, and I'm tied to the same damn chair and I can't do a thing! I offer to tell them everything, but…they won't let you go. They still won't let you go. And it's my fault you're there – I don't know why, but it clearly is. And I can't protect you," he says in a panic, "And I'm the one that put you in danger! They're hurting you…because of me," Eli says, and Clare feels the shaking start all over again, Eli's heart going a mile a minute.

"Look at me. Look at me," Clare says authoritatively, and Eli listens. "I'm safe, Eli. I never went there – because you went for me, just like you said. I stayed home, and I could live my life in peace because of boys like you that keep me and everyone else safe. I was never in danger, Eli, and as long as I'm with you, I never will be," she said, her voice full of conviction.

"I know it's messed up. But I'm messed up. I can't explain why that dream always forms," Eli shrugged

"I don't expect you to. But…Eli. There's something else we need to talk about," Clare said.

"What's that?" he asked as he tangled his fingers in her curls, now that he's a bit more calmed down.

"This…_need _of yours to always protect me," Clare gently asked, and she hated how Eli shivers right away, getting a look of sheer horror in his eyes.

And then, just like that, Clare sees the whole issue of Eli's protectiveness in a new light.

She knows what he needs. It's something she's talked over with her mom, and Helen was of the camp Eli-should-be-so-protective-not-a-big-deal, something that Clare didn't really like.

But as she looks at Eli, she realizes it wasn't Julia. It wasn't Julia that made him this way, or Fitz, or what he had seen Lorenzo do to her. Sure, those things exacerbated it…but they exacerbated something that had always been there. This was the way Eli was, and the way he had been brought up.

"I know you hate it," Eli softly said.

"I don't hate it," Clare replied gently.

"Clare…I can promise you I'll change many things. But not that. It's not ever going away, and…I guess we should just break up now then," Eli deadpanned.

"No," Clare said with a smile, and she leaned up to give Eli a slow kiss.

"I…understand, Eli. And I…" Clare inhaled deeply and finally blew it out. "I want to let you now. I want to let you protect me – but only if you promise me that I can do the same for you. Only if you promise me that you will let me protect you too," Clare said, putting her conditions forward.

"That's…perfect," Eli proclaimed at once, leaning down for another kiss. "I love you," he said as he pulled away.

"I'll never stop loving you, Eli. I'll never not be your girl," Clare said with a wink. "Now…let's get ready for Christmas dinner," she added.

"I can't come. I'm all gross, and sick – I can't believe I let you kiss me! I totally forgot, damn it!" Eli said, panic in his eyes.

Clare kissed him back fiercely before he could even finish the sentence. "I don't care," she said, kissing him deeply again.

"You're coming – my mom says you need to eat or you'll never get better. I promise we'll just eat and then you can retreat upstairs, I don't want to wear you out," Clare whispered huskily, making Eli's eyes widen.

"Hold the phone – your mom knows about that part of your plan? The me resting upstairs part?" Eli asked with a smirk as Clare felt the heat radiate off of his body….so hot and so feverish…he was so feverish.

"She said it would be fine," Clare said with a small smile.

"Um…Clare…I can't really do that. It would be…disrespectful to your mom's house, regardless of how innocent it would be. I can't. Plus, dinner too – I can't go. There's…Jake," Eli slowly said, a look of annoyance on his face at Jake's name.

"Jake's an idiot who knows nothing," Clare said with a feisty glare that Eli loved. "It doesn't matter. He feels bad, Eli, and my mom wants you at dinner. It's her house, and really, Jake won't mind," Clare pleaded.

"What about his dad?" Eli asked.

"Glen couldn't care less; he tries to stay as far away from my drama, I know he does," Clare said with a giggle.

"You're not drama," Eli said lovingly, kissing Clare's forehead sweetly. "But I'm staying on the couch – if that's okay with you and your mom. I'm not going into anyone's room," Eli said, and Clare nodded encouragingly, telling him that of course he was staying over, because she didn't want him all on his own when he was sick.

"I'd like to change, look presentable for dinner," Eli said, but when he tried to stand up, Clare saw it was a bit hard.

"I can help you," she offered.

"I'd hate for that wonderful first to happen like this," Eli said as he shook his head, eventually walking over to his closet and picking out a pair of black dress pants and a white shirt. He walked back over to the bed and laid them out with an inquisitive glare.

"Sit, Eli," Clare told him somewhat sternly, and she placed her hands at the hem of his grey shirt.

"Clare….no," Eli said as he placed his hands on top of hers.

"Sit," she said, and she pushed him down onto the bed. "Let me help you," she said, her fingers hovering about the hemline of his shirt.

"It…looks disgusting," Eli whispered.

"Eli…don't you get it? I think _you_ deserve to be taken care of for a change. So just…be quiet and let me be here for you," Clare assertively said.

Clare didn't take her eyes off of Eli's the entire time that she shook her head at him, and when she slipped her hands under his shirt, she heard him gasp, but he didn't stop her. She slid the shirt over his head, her gaze locked with his the entire time. It was only when she tossed it to the side that she leaned in for a slow kiss, and when she pulled away she placed her hands on Eli's hips and slowly looked down.

"Eli…it's not that bad," she said warmly, because it really wasn't.

One scar did scare her – it was clear they had cut into his heart, and he would probably have that mark forever, but all the others…it was clear that they would eventually go away. Their shape and size however, confused Clare.

"Eli…how did you get these? Not from the doctors," she said.

"Just...things to get me to talk. Burning objects, a whip…all this stuff," he shrugged.

He saw Clare place her hand over her mouth in pain, but she quickly recomposed herself and Eli shivered as she traced each of the scars with her fingers, slowly leaning in and kissing the areas all around them, something he had never expected her to do.

"God, Clare," Eli choked out, raising her and giving her a kiss, reminding himself that he was getting ready to have Christmas dinner at her parents' house…he didn't need a repeat of the situation he had dealt with earlier.

Clare gently ran her fingers across his chest one more time, before slipping him into the white dress shirt, placing a kiss right below the spot that each button was done up as she did them all. She was slowly driving Eli the best kind of insane, and truth be told – she liked the power she had over him, but when he flipped them over unexpectedly, she laughed without any inhibitions and figured that perhaps she could be outwitted at her own game.

"Don't tease me with your wicked ways, Edwards," Eli said as he kissed down Clare's neck, taking advantage of her plunging neckline to make her entire boy shake as she rewarded him with little moans.

"We're off to a family dinner, please, control yourself," Eli teased as his teeth teased her earlobe.

"You…control…yourself," Clare giggled between heaves of her chest.

"All right then," Eli smirked, stopping at once without the slightest sign of difficulty as he pulled away from Clare, making her narrow her eyes mischievously at him.

But when he leaned in and kissed her sweetly, Clare knew he wasn't exactly pleased to stop either.

She waited for him outside as he changed into dress pants, and when they walked outside hand in hand and were met with…Jake waiting his red truck, Clare felt Eli tense up at once.

"Hey, Eli. Glad you're home," Jake quickly said. "Dude, listen, I'm sorry about all that stuff in the store," Jake then said, embarrassment all over his face.

"Don't worry about it," Eli said, but his entire body was frigid.

Jake then moved to the bed of his truck, and Clare flashed him a confused look.

"Listen, I heard about your book doing well, and I made you a couple of adjustable bookshelves – thought you'd need them to put all those copies you're gonna autograph," Jake said with a small smile.

Clare rewarded her step-brother with a huge smile as Eli had never looked more surprised in his life.

"They're really cool, man," Eli said, because they really were – Jake had taken a lot of time in making them, and he even made them in a gothic style that Eli praised instantly.

"Cool, I'll take them upstairs," Jake said, and Eli grabbed one of the shelves as well. Clare wanted to go with them too, so she held the doors open and within five minutes, they were all back in Jake's truck, Clare holding onto Eli's hand tightly and leaning into his embrace.

"We're listening to a different station," Clare declared authoritatively, switching to Eli's favourite one without even asking Jake, who only silently nodded.

XXXXXXXXXXX

"Thank you for the wonderful meal that we are about to receive, but most of all, thank you for the special company You have brought us here today. Thank You for letting Eli come home safely to us. Thank You for letting us all be here together," Helen finished as pure joy and gratefulness was etched on Eli's face.

When just a few minutes later, she got up from the table and brought Eli a bowl of special turkey soup that she made only for him, and placed it down in front of him and even gave him a hug and a kiss, Eli had never been so surprised in his life. Clare and Jake even watched with wide eyes, but Helen just gave them a 'what?' look and Clare loved the entire scene, while Jake just shrugged and wondered what he should eat next. He loved that Clare's mom was such an excellent cook, and he didn't really care about much else in this moment.

"It's delicious, thank you so much ma'am," Eli praised Clare's mom, much to her satisfaction as she made Eli eat a second bowl and then filled his plate with turkey and told him to eat up so he can heal faster.

Eli then began a conversation with Jake's dad, who wanted to know a lot about army construction and fortification techniques, and Eli told him everything he knew, much to Glen's interest.

"All ready to go back to school, Eli?" Helen then asked as she served a magnificent pudding and cheesecake dessert.

"Yes, ma'am. I actually can't wait. I really need that normalcy," Eli said as Clare flashed him an empathetic smile.

"Got one semester of undergrad left?" Helen asked.

"No ma'am, just graduated actually. Just my master's left," Eli answered.

"Really? How did you manage that, I thought you're your extension messed with your school schedule," Helen remarked.

"Well, I was missing just 6 credits – and the Creative Writing Department gave me 3 because of my book, and the other 3 my Colonel, who is a top foreign policy expert and was deployed with us too – he gave them to me as political science credits because the writing I did for him met that criteria, or close enough," Eli shrugged.

"Good for you, Eli," Helen praised him, knowing that there was no way that she would approve Clare being with a boy who did not have ambitions.

"And what will you do after your master's? Pursue your writing career?" Helen pushed.

"I'm in the one year master's option, so it'll be a busy year, and I'm working at the Pearson Peacekeeping Centre this summer, but after I hope to take my PhD. One of my profs said I should, and the head of the English Department told me that he would hold a position at the university for me," Eli shared with Clare's mom, telling her information that Clare already knew.

"Wow, that's an amazing opportunity, Eli. I didn't know you were interested in teaching," Helen answered.

"I didn't either – not until I tried it in my year at UBC. I'm going to be a TA in my master's year as well, get some more training. Teaching in high school – no way I could do that. But at university it's different – it's basically talking about my favourite books and stories, and reading papers about them, and…I like that," Eli modestly admitted. He then added, "I still definitely want to keep writing – that's the great thing about teaching at U of T; it would actually help with that; with contacts and such. Plus, it allows for…stability. In case…in case it won't just ever be me. If…I have the pleasure of having other duties," Eli quietly said, and Clare looked at him meaningfully, but it was Helen who knew exactly what Eli meant.

He wanted to be able to provide a certain stability for Clare…if she wanted to make a family with him – Helen knew it right away.

She knew because she had told herself after her divorce that she now had to do the job that Clare's father always playfully joked about as his to his wife. She knew that she would want to know if any man who wanted to have Clare's hand in marriage would make enough to take her down the road.

So she smiled at Eli warmly and flashed him an understanding nod.

"You sound like a young man with a good plan," Helen responded.

Eli knew Clare had goals of her own - though he had not yet learnt just how much her Lorenzo experience had damaged Clare – and he loved that. He was not old-fashioned in the sense that he wanted Clare to stay trapped at home and never make a life of her own – on the contrary, he couldn't wait to support her in her career.

But he was older; he would be the first one out of school, and yes, he did also consider it his duty – if Clare made him the one – to look after her. To keep a roof over her head, to keep her warm and happy, to give her…everything that she wanted. To make life as good and happy as it could be for her; that was all he had ever wanted to do. He wanted her to take as much time as she needed to find a job that she liked without having to worry about money. He wanted to always be there for her, for her to never feel like she was alone with any burden. Because Eli knew that feeling, and he didn't wish it on anyone that he loved. Especially on the girl that he had loved for so many years now, and who he would love until the end of his days.

**Please leave me a review!**


	18. Second Hand Car

**XXXXXXXXXXXX – Two weeks later-**

Clare spent the rest of the Christmas break mostly with her family, also going on two movie dates with Eli. He had mentioned a few times how he knew that she wanted to spend time with her family at Christmas and how important he knew that they were to her, and Clare knew that he was saying this to highlight that he no longer had the same dependency issues that had once plagued him. However, she didn't like that he also seemed hesitant to contact her outside of those dates – he'd send her sweet good-night text messages every night, but if she wanted anything more than that it was always her who had to initiate it.

And Clare found that knowing that Eli felt this was wasn't a very pleasant thing to know. She wanted to show him that he could trust her, but she also understood why he was a little hesitant. She knew he had spent most of his break focusing on some physiotherapy for his leg, seeing his therapist and the army therapist about his PTSD, getting ready for school and having many guys nights with Adam, and she told herself that it was good that they were taking things slow. But she couldn't help wanting to speed up just a tad. She didn't want Eli to schedule plans for them, always half his mind on whether or not she would like to do this or that – and she knew that's how he thought now. She wanted him to eagerly make plans for them – just like he always had, finding author readings, lit conventions with passion and enthusiasm…but even if he was doing that now, Clare knew he'd be very _very _hesitant to share those plans with her. And she knew _why_.

He was _afraid_. Afraid of screwing up again, and confused – what was the appropriate amount of time to spend with your girlfriend? Often Eli wished that there would be a rules manual that he could consult – like there had been at war; a concrete policy right there that you could follow. A law. Something that if you followed, you knew you had done the right thing. You knew for a fact that you did NOT screw up.

He tried to think back of how much time he had spent with Clare before everything went downhill; but it was a lot, and surely she wouldn't want that now, he thought.

With Julia….it had been different. They had spent basically all of their time together, and Julia hadn't complained once.

So Eli was confused, and alone, and without a dad that he could ask.

So he did the best that he could; sending good night text messages and wanting more, but being happy that he at least got that. At least she'd always reply – he took that as a good sign.

He asked Clare out both weekends of the break, because surely girlfriends expected to be taken out on the weekend at least, right? He took her to the movies because she had said she wanted to see one, and when they had been there, they had seen a poster for another movie that had looked cool, so they did that the next weekend as well. He didn't let her pay – there was just no way he'd allow that, even when she tried – and he made sure to ask before buying popcorn and gummy bears, because he knew that he shouldn't just assume those were still the things that she liked. When she confirmed that she would love those treats, he had been happy, and he had been delighted at the way she lifted the armrest between the two of them and burrowed deeply into his hug, but Clare wondered if when he went home he felt a little sad at not being able to follow his impulses and call her whenever he wanted to.

She knew he did. And she hated herself for it; she had loved how different Eli was from your average boy his age, and she hated that he seemed to think he needed to put a filter on himself around her, not to scare her, not to be…called suffocating.

But she didn't know exactly what to do to bridge this gap; so she did many little things, always making sure to end their text and phone conversations with an 'I love you'. Every single time. She took every single opportunity to tell Eli that, and he always smirked back at her, an amused, honest smirk that told Clare that he loved to hear that. She hadn't even told that to him once when they were first dating; he had volunteered his feelings first…always. She wanted to make up for lost time, and to express to him that her feelings this time around were much more powerful and much less confused. There had been simply too much going on with her when she had been with Eli the first time around in order for her to truly focus on him. Her parents' divorce…how confused Fitz had made her feel….and her parents' divorce. Always her parent's divorce, though. Always. Always the fear that came with that, hurting Eli in a way that made Clare flinch when she remembered how she had purposely made him look like a monster in front of her parents, and later called him that to his face. She desperately hoped that with time, she could wean out Eli's tendencies to hold back just a little, just like she had told her mom. Helen had simply told Clare that it wouldn't be fair to expect Eli to not be a little hesitant, simply because he seemed to carry so much guilt, and that of course it would get in the way sometime.

But none of this was on Clare's mind as she was walking back to her house, deeply in thought and taking absolutely no notice of anything going on around her. Just three days of having to return to campus for the new semester away - she had opted to live on campus with Alli all throughout her undergrad, so by this third year she was rather used to the moving-in-moving-out process – Clare was left, as always, a little shell-shocked following her time with a particular person. It was…so different now, and even after all of this time, whenever she walked back – always walking to clear her mind – she felt like she was floating on the Earth, and she wanted so much to slow down a bit. She felt like she was on a speeding train, going so so fast all the time, and all she wanted to do was take a breather out on the platform. But she wasn't allowed to go out onto the platform and have a break, she had to keep going. She had to.

"She should be back soon," Jake pensively said to Helen as Clare was walking just a few blocks away, because he could see that Clare's mom was worried.

"I know. And I know it's important for her to see her father, but I hate how she comes back from these meetings," Helen sighed.

"Me too. I didn't know how much it all affected Clare for a long time; she tried talking to me about it and I'm afraid I didn't give the best advice," Jake said with an embarrassed smile. But Clare had seemed all for having fun, he reflected, and then he didn't feel so bad anymore. He didn't know what else to say to Clare about her parents' divorce, so he had just said that, he reflected with a shrug.

"Oh," he said then, a little surprised.

"What?" Helen asked as she began walking to the kitchen.

"I think Eli thinks Clare's home, because that's him that just got out of that Mustang. Sweet ride," Jake said with a low whistle, having never seen Eli drive his dad's car in high school. While driving it after his dad's death had simply been too much for Eli, after getting back together with Clare, Eli had walked into the garage, inspected it – he made a point of keeping in excellent shape in his dad's memory despite the fact that he didn't drive it – and it was almost as if he could hear Bullfrog say it again.

_Make sure she gets home safe. A boy needs a car – especially one who's responsible for looking after a girl_ – Bullfrog had said to him, handing him the keys to his beloved vintage hearse on his sixteenth birthday. Even before that, he had always told Eli to make sure he brought Julia home when he took her out at night – before her dad remarried and things turn a turn for….not the bad, the worst, Eli thought as his eyes stung a little at the memories at what Julia had been forced to live through before he had caught onto the fact that things were not okay for her in her new home with that woman. Definitely not okay.

_And what did I do?_ Eli thought as he shut his eyes tightly.

_ I let her storm off angry, hurt, and confused into the night. Exactly what Dad told me to not ever do._

_ It's my fault she died. No one's but my own. I killed her. Dr. Novack says that I protected for a long time and that she found a safe haven with me, but she doesn't get it. It doesn't matter that I saved her for bit there; because I saved her just to kill her later. _

He had so many mistakes – with Julia, and Clare, and Imogen, and even Arizona, Eli said as he sighed heavily.

He really didn't want to make any more. This is why – he knew he would sound crazy if he tried to explain it to anyone but Imogen and perhaps Arizona ; she was always so good with his sickness – it was as almost he could hear Bullfrog telling him to start driving his car now that…he had Clare.

Eli didn't know if Clare liked or hated the Mustang – he had sort of given up on knowing her thoughts, because to him they seemed to be able to change on a whim – and she had never commented on it during the two occasions that he had gotten to take her out on. Eli knew that it was a really nice car, but…that didn't mean anything to Clare, he thought.

But at least it let him do the things that Bullfrog told him a boyfriend should do for his girl.

These were the thoughts that were running through Eli's mind as he got out of the car and leaned against it, thinking that he'd just wait outside for Clare, not wanting to bother her family; Eli knew that Jake didn't like him very much, and he didn't knew Clare's new family that well and he just didn't want to impose. He hadn't made any plans to meet with Clare, but during their nightly texting sessions she mentioned that she would be seeing her dad, and despite the fact that texting didn't allow for the transmission of tone or mood…Eli just felt it. It was the first time that she had mentioned her dad since they had gotten back together, and because it was so late and they were texting, Eli didn't push. He knew that it had been five years' now since Clare's parents had gotten her divorce, but he suspected that every time that she saw her dad, it would still unnerve her a little bit; he just thought it would – and Eli was rather right in his assumptions. He hoped that Clare wouldn't consider this an ambushment, but he figured that if Clare seemed to dislike it, he would just leave if that's what she wanted. But in case she was a little sad, he wanted to be there for her – just like he had decided to attend the Grundy awards all those years ago when Clare told him that both of her parents were still fighting and that it would be a new normal.

Just in case.

Just in case that she _did_ want him.

And just as Eli pulled his leather jacket a little tighter around him as he leaned against the Lincoln, a soft smile was spreading across Helen's face, realizing that Eli had dropped by to cheer up Clare a little. She was happy because in her mind this meant two things: 1) Eli knew her very well and was concerned for her if she was ever sad and 2) He was working on his hesitancy problem a little here, and that was good. Helen knew that Eli was, after all, a soldier – she knew that after the things that he had seen, he would find _nothing _scary. She just knew it as a military daughter in some capacity herself. The only thing that seemed to unnerve him was…Clare. And Helen knew that was not only because of their past, but also because Eli loved Clare. He had proved it time and time again, and he had proved what a man he was when he was still concerned for her after their horrible break-up; Helen's life experience knew that was a very _very _rare thing.

As she looked out the window – Jake just behind her – she saw everything so clearly, and she was very happy. And then, all of a sudden she saw Eli smirk softly – he always seemed to be doing that – as he looked up and sure enough, Clare was walking down the street from the opposite direction. She was the way she always was after time with her dad - walking with her head down, lost in thought, swinging her purse widely as she held on to its strap. Helen saw that Clare didn't see Eli for a long time, and she saw his smirk change into a thoughtful look when he saw how Clare was walking. When she finally did look up, she looked surprised, and Helen opened the window, ever so slightly, wanting to hear their dialogue.

"What are you doing here?" Clare softly said, and Helen was glad that she didn't employ an accusatory tone – she sounded surprised, but pleasantly so.

Eli gave her a small smirk and a shrug of his shoulders as he said, "I just…wanted to drop by. See how you were. If that's okay".

Helen felt herself smile broadly when she saw Clare's entire face light up, and she headed straight into Eli's open arms, hugging him tightly, her pretty red peacoat colliding with his black, many-zippered leather jacket. She saw that she didn't speak, she just smiled softly as she hung onto Eli's shoulders, smiling to herself and looking very content.

Helen did feel a little voyeuristic, watching and listening to them when they didn't know she was doing so, but she wanted to see how they interacted, and it…was so nice, to see her daughter being so well looked after by this boy. Helen thought of Clare as her little girl, but she knew that Clare was now of dating age – she was in her third year of college, and she knew that it was the time to date and form good friendships and find the person that she would want to spend the rest of her life with. So, because she knew that Clare had to be with someone, she was happy that that someone was Eli. She could tell that he was whispering something into her ear as he pulled Clare's pretty curls back, holding all of them in his hands as he continued whispering into Clare's ear. Helen wished she could hear what he was saying, because she herself found it hard to find the right words to say to Clare after she spent time with her father, and Jake never really had an idea of what to say to Clare either.

But she began to feel a little strange watching them so closely, so she retreated from her position, and Jake awkwardly did so as well. She began leafing through a magazine when she heard the door open and saw her daughter, all pink-cheeked and very tentative-like come in.

"Hi mom," Clare softly said.

"Hi sweetheart. How was breakfast with your father?" Helen asked, deciding not to bring Eli up yet.

"Okay," Clare answered with a sad exhale. Helen then saw her gather all her strengths before she added, "Mom, Eli's here. I…we didn't have any plans, but I think he came because he was a little worried about me being sad…you know, after seeing dad".

"Oh. Well, that's very nice of him sweetheart. Ask him to come in inside," Helen said sweetly, putting her poker face on.

"Um…actually mom," Clare stumbled, before her cheeks got even a little pinker and softly adding, "Eli wants to take me to…Niagara Falls. Just for the day," she said.

Helen gave her a little smile – she understood that Eli wanted to provide Clare a little escape, and Helen really thought that that's what Clare needed about now; she wondered why she had never thought of that herself. Eli could give Clare a fun free day, seeing how they were both on winter break and not due back at U of T for two days.

But what Helen loved most was the way that Clare was looking up at her; her striking blue eyes full of hope and…even though Clare was of college age now, and even though she had up and went to England with Lorenzo despite her mom saying over and over again that she did not want her to go and she did not approve of it…Helen could tell that, in this moment, Clare wanted her mom to say 'yes'. She could tell that her opinion mattered to Clare, and that she wanted Helen to approve.

So she smiled at her daughter, and out of curiosity she asked,

"Oh! Niagara Falls! Does Eli know you've always wanted to go there but have never been?"

"I don't know," Clare shyly said, "I told him that once back in high school, but I think he still remembers," she replied.

"I think he just might," Helen said with a devious mother-knows-best-smile. She then continued, "Well, all right then sweetheart, have fun!" and Clare looked so grateful at once.

"Thanks, mom," she said, giving her a quick hug before Helen chuckled as she saw Clare head outside and excitedly run back into Eli's open arms, his right hand now containing a Starbucks paper cup that he handed to Clare as he kissed her forehead. Helen saw Clare take a sip and she heard her remark, "It's perfect, just a little bit of extra sugar".

"Hoped you still liked it like that," she then heard Eli reply as he held the car door for Clare and she got in, a smile as opposed to a heartbreaking sadness on her face.

Helen smiled to herself once again and said, "Well played, Eli. Well played," before she shook her head with humour.

She could now be at rest, she knew; when Clare was always out with Lorenzo, she used to always come back so late, and often on her own, walking the dark streets alone. But with Eli – Helen knew that Clare was well looked-after, and she could go through her day in peace, not having to constantly worry about her daughter. Eli had always been like that, she remembered, and now, Helen thought with a chuckle, he was literally one of the most intensely trained people in the country at providing safety and security…he had been a member of the army, after all.

_Once in the family, forever in the family, _she remembered as she went up the stairs – all the boys would say this to her dad, pleading on their hospital beds for her dad to cure them faster, because they wanted to get back to the field, where they belonged, as they always insisted.

XXXXXXXXXXXX

"I love you," Clare softly said to Eli as she crawled over to his lap and buried her face in his neck – they hadn't left yet; Eli was just punching in the co-ordinates into the forces GPS that he had brought back with him – the best there was – when Clare had been overcome by all the emotion of the morning and had taken her seatbelt off and surprised Eli by clinging to him as tightly as possible.

"I love you too, I love you too," he confirmed at once for her, gently holding all of her hair at the back of her head with his hands.

"How was it this morning?" he gently ventured. "Can you tell me…what it's like to see your dad these days?" he asked.

"It's just…different," Clare said in a small voice as she played with one of the many zippers on Eli's jacket.

She felt guilty for putting him through this; here she was, whining about her dad, while she had two families practically, and Eli had been on his own, without his parents since high school. But he was Eli, her Eli, talking to her as gently and supportively as he always had, and she just couldn't seem to able to hold back.

"It's good that you still get to see him though, right?" Eli asked.

"Yeah, it is….but I just feel like…"Clare faltered, never finishing her sentence.

Eli then got a thought that made his heart sink.

"Is he…is he mad at you for getting back together with me? I know he doesn't like me –"Eli began with a strangled breath, but Clare cut him off immediately.

"No, Eli, no," she said.

Clare was immediately plagued by a deep sense of guilt when she remembered the first time that she had brought Eli home to meet her parents – essentially using him shamelessly and making him out to be like some type of monster and not like her thoughtful, loving Eli…not like the boy that he really was.

Eli, for one, considered that moment to be the single most embarrassing one of his life, and despite trying really hard to not think about it right now, he simply couldn't. He also remembered how Clare took ages to tell her parents about seeing him, while Cece and Bullfrog had known about her since soon after Eli started shyly mentioning his new English partner, and had been pestering him non-stop to meet her, and finally being so excited that they got the chance to do so in what turned out to be yet another awkward parental encounter at Little Miss Steaks, a place that Eli definitely considered to be cursed. Nothing good had ever happened for him there – not that moment, not seeing Clare kiss Jake for the first time – looking happier than she had ever been, as if Eli had never existed, while he felt like he was constantly living in hell, not being sure if he would ever make it through to see the morning sun, and definitely not the time that she had seen Clare there with Lorenzo on the Christmas break that he had eagerly looked forward to after her promise to have dinner with him. So, thinking back at all of those moments, Eli thought he had the right to know something. So he just asked.

"Does you dad know that you did get back together with me?" thinking that Clare must have now had two of her weekly Saturday morning breakfasts with her dad. Plenty of time to tell him, Eli reasoned.

"Yes," Clare said as she placed a sweet kiss on Eli's lips.

"And…?" he asked curiously.

"Eli…you should know that my dad doesn't seem to care anymore what I do. He never did, after no longer splitting his time at the house with my mom. He has a whole new woman now – maybe even more than one, who knows – and when he found out about Jake, the only thing he did was…he laughed, Eli. Said that even though there are no laws against that in Canada, his exact words were "if you ever want to marry that boy…good luck finding a judge that will agree to sign his name to it," Clare said as she shook her head.

She felt Eli's entire body go a little cold, and she hated the way he stared off into space for a minute before saying,

"So what you're telling me is that, were it not for the legal gray area that it produces and the fact that you'd have to look around for a judge who's a little more lenient when it comes to this stuff…you'd still be with Jake," he gritted out.

"Eli no!" Clare said assertively at once, but the way that Eli shifted uncomfortably, stopping his previous gentle caresses of her arms, told her that she had made a big mistake.

She then decided to put things as simply as she could.

"I broke up with Jake because we clearly didn't want the same things. I did all the work in that relationship and it made it fun and easy for Jake. But he never wanted anything serious," Clare explained.

"Whatever," Eli scoffed, being sick and tired of thinking back to Clare and Jake.

"I'm sorry I brought that up. I'm not proud of the way I acted back then, you know," Clare sweetly said. "I love you, Eli. It's always been you," she added, leaning in for a kiss and feeling a lot better when Eli slowly responded – not immediately, but respond he did.

"So…go on," Eli then said.

"Well, I don't know if there's much to say. It's just…different with my dad now," Clare repeated, and Eli saw all of her previous sadness take over her body once again. "I told him about you, and all he said was that Arizona's mom and Fiona's dad pulled off an impressive legal and diplomatic feat in getting all of the NATO prisoners of war released in their search for you. That's all he said, Eli. He can't even talk to me anymore…because he doesn't care," Clare said, speaking faster and faster, getting more and more emotional as Eli tightly hung onto her and caressed her arms, his eyes full of empathy and love.

Clare continued, "That's all he could say! He's all…distant, always now. He takes me to a different restaurant almost every Saturday – always a nice one, always an expensive one, so he doesn't feel any guilt; takes all the guilt away with his credit card. We sit there and awkwardly talk about the same things – school, and his work – never talk about his new life, his new woman, or…anything really important to me. He doesn't know anything about me anymore, Eli – and he doesn't even care. I'm just…an obligation to him, Eli – two hours on his calendar every week. That's all I am," Clare finished, finally being overcome by tears as she hid her face in Eli neck.

"Oh, Clare," Eli sighed emotionally. "_You _are not an obligation. You could _never_ be an obligation. _Ever_. Spending time with you is like…a prize," Eli put it plainly. "A privilege," he added softly, as he placed small kisses in her curls over and over again, whispering the world "privilege" a few more times, because it was how he truly felt.

"I wish…I wish I could get you to see that; I wish I knew what to say better," Eli sighed, "But I just...I need you to understand that one thing. Spending time with you is a blessing, and your dad is a fool for not seeing that. He's lucky you still see him; he's gotta lie in the bed he's made, and you – because you're so kind and so sweet, you still give him all your heart. I think it's important for you to see your dad, but I hate that it hurts you. I hate seeing you hurt," Eli confessed. He wished he could know the perfect things to say to Clare; but the marriage that Eli had been closest to – that of his parents – really was one of the most perfect marriages, based on a deep friendship, that had ever existed. He simply couldn't imagine Bullfrog ever being unfaithful to Cece; he simply couldn't imagine betraying the one you love.

"I'm okay, no, really, I'm okay," Clare bravely said, and she lifted her face in order to give Eli a small, red-faced, teary smile that did absolutely nothing to convince him.

Eli pulled her in tightly but gently, pulling her curls out of her face – tiny little bits of hair were getting in her eyes and irritating them even further – and he breathed deeply, just holding her while she softly cried for a few more minutes.

"Clare," he then said in a throaty whisper. "There's something I have to tell you," he added.

"What?" Clare asked curiously.

Eli took both of her hands in his, and he brought them up to his lips so he could kiss the ring that he had put on her finger, and he was delighted that Clare rewarded him with a tiny giggle.

"I have to tell you that…I'm not like before anymore. It took me a lot of therapy and time to understand that you know…we might break up. All I want is a chance; I know we might not last forever, but I sure as hell would like a chance to be the one for you," Eli said as Clare nodded eagerly.

He then continued, "But I do need you to know that…no matter what, I'm not going to be unfaithful. I know I'll probably always say and do the wrong thing, but…if there's one thing that I _can _promise you with ultimate certainty, it's that it will _never _be that. I'm not ever going to cheat on you. I'm sure I'll screw up one way or another – I'll be suffocating, I'll write another messed up story, who knows what else – but…it'll never be that. I will never betray you," Eli said with perfect conviction, and as Clare's blue eyes met his green ones, she was sure that she had never seen anyone speak with so much honesty and with so much strength.

Eli saw her breathe deeply and she whimpered emotionally before kissing him deeply over and over again, softly moaning "I love you," whenever she could.

As she pulled away and felt Eli gently massaging her lower back, she wiped her tears and spent the next few minutes catching her breath as she rested against Eli's chest.

"You still want to go to the falls?" she heard him gently say when he had noticed that she was all right again, and thoughtfully twirling the unique ring that no one else in Canada had.

"Yes. Oh my God yes," Clare confirmed at once. "I was supposed to go there with my parents the –" she gently said before Eli slowly nodded and finished the sentence for her.

"Thanksgiving weekend of your grade ten year, I know. But you never got to go then because the plans fell through – have you been since?" Eli asked.

"No," Clare replied. "But I want to go…with you, Eli," she said with an electric smile.

"And I want to take you," he confirmed with a smug smirk.

"How is it that you always know the perfect thing to do to make me feel better?" Clare then softly asked, talking more to herself than to Eli.

"I…can tell you need a sort of mini get –away, that's all. Everyone feels the need to get away sometimes," Eli empathetically said. He felt Clare move her head slightly, keeping it pressed up against his chest as she softly said,

"You…feel different, you know," as if she was lost in deep thought.

"What do you mean?" Eli asked, slightly confused.

"Your voice is a little deeper, and…your body. Your body is all different," Clare remarked, because she had lied in Eli's embrace in high school many times – not quite as intimately as she had lately, but she was still able to make a rather accurate comparison.

"Huh?" Eli asked in further confusion.

Clare then explained, "Your shoulders…they're so much broader now. Your whole upper body is so much broader," she said, as she felt Eli's shoulders, and as she gripped his biceps she softly added, "And I can feel your muscles when I hug you, and when I'm just lying here like this…your whole chest and abdomen are so lean, I can feel how smooth it is," she finished.

Eli just lightly chuckled and said, "Well, I was in the army – not the Girl Scouts," and Clare giggled as Eli explained, "Daily exercises. I may have been just a writer, but I was a combatant too. Had to stay in shape".

"I don't want you to ever go away again," Clare said, gripping Eli so tightly that he had a hard time breathing.

"You won't be very happy in about a month's time then," Eli teased, but when he saw Clare look up with wild alarm in her eyes and ask, "What? I thought you said! You said you were done – discharged – and just had to work at that fancy job downtown in the summer," she accused.

Eli felt bad when he saw her so distressed, so he immediately clarified, "Sorry, sorry. Sorry, sweetheart. I'm not going to war; never again. My war is done," Eli said with a deep breath. "But the army commissioned me to go give a talk at the University of Ottawa to some poli sci students – just a two-day trip in February. Totally safe," Eli finished.

"Okay," Clare immediately breathed in relief, playfully grabbing the neck of Eli's jacket and saying, "As long as all those girls in the audience understand that you're mine. Got that? Mine," she said with a few giggles before engaging Eli in a slow, mind-blowing kiss.

"All right then," he said breathlessly, a huge smirk on his very pleased face after Clare pulled away.

Eli then showed her that the Mustang had a middle seat – this way she could keep her seatbelt on and still lean into his hug as he drove, which Clare absolutely loved.

As he started the car up, when Clare saw him switch gears, she placed her hand directly over his, and Eli's intertwining of their fingers made her ring rise ever so slightly, its blue rock gleaming due to an incoming sun ray.

"Okay," Eli then declared as he felt Clare sigh happily as she placed her arm around his waist and rested her head on his chest as he turned onto Queen's Street.

"I'm gonna get you out of here, okay?" Eli whispered as he placed a gentle kiss in Clare's curls.

"Okay," she replied. "Just you and me…and the Mustang," she then added with a bright smile, watching as the lights of Toronto faded in the background.

She had never felt so happy on a day-with-dad ever before.

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

"So, what's it gonna be?" Eli asked, humour all over his face as he widened his eyes and asked, "Maid of the Mist, the baot thing where we have to wear those oh-so-stylin' blue raincoat thing, or should we walk behind the falls – which actually sounds kind of cool, or should we do the helicopter thing?" he asked, as Clare's own eyes widened in a little bit of fear.

"I've never been on a helicopter," she said as she playfully slapped Eli's shoulder as they were standing in line to get their tickets for exploring Niagara Falls.

"I went on one in Kandahar – it was the Americans', they gave Daniel and Col. Stevenson – or Dr. Stevenson as I should call him because we're back at school now a ride once. It was freaking awesome," Eli said with a head bang as Clare laughed in response.

"The going behind the waterfalls option sounds good," Clare said as she twirled her thumbs.

"That's one you wanna do? Aw, come on," Eli tried to persuade her.

"You _seriously _want to do the helicopter option?" Clare asked, her voice rising an octave.

"Hell yes," Eli replied, and Clare shook her head in amusement – she knew that Eli's life had been rather different with the forces, but, damn – he was so…fearless, and she wasn't about to not meet his bravado.

She wanted to take him on when she then heard him say, "I have an idea. Why don't we do both? We'll do the thing where we go in that tunnel thing and see the walls from behind and then if you feel up to it, we'll go in the helicopter too, okay? I'm all for doing everything _but_ wearing those awful blue ponchos," Eli said with a playful frown.

They took a few steps forward as the line was moving, and Eli let go of Clare's hand in order to pull out his wallet from the back pocket of his jeans. He smirked when Clare was the one to grab his hand immediately after he had transferred the wallet to his other hand, and when their hands were intertwined again, he was playfully twirling her pretty ring around her finger. This was an absent-minded thing that Eli would always do, and Clare loved it; she loved feeling his fingers among hers.

As the people in front of them were buying their tickets, Clare shyly said, "Eli…but the behind-the-falls thing is already so expensive…" Clare began.

"My treat, today' s my treat," Eli replied at once, in a manner that implied that there were times when he wasn't the one to pay, which simply had not occurred yet – and Clare knew that, as he did in high school, it was highly unlikely that Eli would _ever_ her pay, she knew.

"It doesn't matter – but thank you. But Eli, it's a lot of money –as was the gas to get up here, and the price for the helicopter thing is crazy. We can't do both," she insisted.

Eli then turned around fully so he could look Clare straight in the eyes as he told her,

"Clare. This is our special day. We're spending the whole day together, and I love that. When else are we gonna be in Niagara again? We're here, we should do everything now. And besides, you forget one major thing," Eli said with a smirk.

"What's that?" Clare asked, playful challenge in her tone.

"I'm not in high school anymore – I have more money than what I'd be able to piece together from chores and interning for Bullfrog. My school is completely paid for by the army, and they paid me good money for my services. I wrote two songs for very famous musicians, and my book did well. I have enough money to do something special for my girl, and I really wish that she would let me," Eli said, sounding just a bit wounded.

It was looking at him in that minute that made Clare confident in what she had to say.

"I love that you want to do something special for me – that you want us to do something special together. So…okay, Eli. Okay," Clare said.

"Thank you," Eli answered emphatically.

"There's something else that we have to talk about on this subject," Clare said, and Eli replied that he promised he would, just after he had paid for everything, as it was their turn next in line.

After they had the four tickets in their hands, and excited smiles on their faces, Eli insisted that he take Clare for lunch at a nice restaurant in Clifford Hill, the trendy tourist area next to the Falls. Clare smiled sweetly and it touched her heart when she knew that Eli remembered how he had told her about the plans she had made with her family – her dad had promised to take her to the special restaurant at the Falls, and despite Clare's objections about the cost, Eli emerged victorious in their playful banter, with a reminder of how it meant a lot to him to do something special for his girl.

As they were sharing a giant and delicious piece of chocolate mousse, lined with vanilla ice cream, whip cream and a scoop of raspberries, Clare introduced the topic that she wanted to talk about.

"Eli – you need to take back the $300 000 dollars that is currently in a bank account in my name," she sternly told him.

Eli put his fork down and smiled sadly before he said, "It's really weird to think that the army paid out my inheritance. A little _too morbid_ – even for _my_ taste," he finished with a chuckle and a smirk. "Glad you guys didn't bury me – though – that would have been really freaking weird," he finished with another chuckle, but he stopped making jokes on that subject when he saw the pain in Clare's eyes and the way that she tightly grabbed his hand under the table at once at his mention of his possible death.

"Adam said no," she whispered.

"I know. Adam's always had my back – even when I was wrong," Eli said with a soft smile at the thought of his best male friend's unwavering loyalty.

"Eli…it's your money," Clare said.

"Oh – yeah, about that. No way. That money…it was meant for you to keep and to take and make one of your dreams come true. That hasn't changed at all. It still is for that – whether I am a part of your life forever or not," Eli said with a shrug, lifting up his glass in order to take a sip of his Coke.

"Eli. No. Absolutely not. It's your money. I want you to take it back," Clare pushed.

"Clare…" Eli softly said, "Col. Stevenson made it all work out for me. He knew our circumstances were…different," Eli supplied, and Clare knew that he was referring to the fact that…in the case of other families that this might have happened to, it would not have mattered much. It was the family's money after all…but for her and Eli, it was completely different. There was no 'them'; it was two individuals.

Eli then continued, "The army resupplied my account with my wages. I got my money, it's okay," Eli said as he ate a bit of ice cream.

"Did they also give you back all the money you had in your account from you Tim and Faith song?" Clare inquired.

"I got all my money back," was the answer that Eli chose, because he really didn't want to say 'no,' and he really didn't care about it. He'd never ever take that money back from Clare; his mind was completely made up about that. It was the money that he wanted her to have for whatever dream she wanted to make come true. His financial situation was rather stable; even more than stable. Lady Antebellum had paid him well, and he had never even touched that money; his expenses beyond school, which the army had looked after, were not that high, and his army wages were good, especially since you always got more money if you were actually deployed.

"I just feel weird," Clare said with a squirm.

"Well, stop feeling weird," Eli said plainly. "It's money that I wanted you to have for your dreams. Or a dream of the many that I know you have. You can spend it tomorrow if you want – go on a shopping spree with Fi, and I guarantee you $300 000 will be gone in a single day, and Fi will still want to shop," Eli said with a chuckle.

The thought, however, just made Clare realize once more how much of Eli's life she had missed – she didn't know Fiona very well at all, and here Eli was, obviously knowing a lot about her.

"Clare….after my parents passed, I had a period there where I struggled with money. My aunt helped, but she was just having Mia, and I knew she needed the money. When I had to pay for grad school, I struggled with money again. Then I found the army – I talked to Col. Stevenson and he connected me to a good job, and to people who looked after me – economically, and in terms of my health as well. The army let me have my dream of going to grad school and studying English Lit, and they gave me the best therapists before, during, and after my tour. I hope more than anything that you'll never have to know the fear of not knowing how you'll survive in the future, that you'll never receive a bill that you're not sure you can pay. But I did; and it's the worst feeling ever. I don't ever want you to, you know. It's not even a lot of money these days. I hate the way it all happened; and it did. So now that money remains money for you to use for making one of your dreams come true. There are no strings attached to it; don't even look at it as my money. Literally, that money was like, strangely doubled. I have my money, and you have some of the army's money as well. It's all rather…strange circumstances, but…it's the way it is. So let's make it a positive thing – and you keep it for a dream. Just…know that if you refuse to…you'll really hurt me. You'll really hurt me Clare," Eli emphatically said, finishing his monologue as Clare slightly gasped.

"Okay. Thank you, Eli. Thank you. Thank you for looking after me even when I didn't deserve it. Thank you for looking out for me and for being on my side even when I was wrong," Clare said with nothing but love and gratefulness in her heart as she looked up at the man that she loved.

"Good. Now, if you don't get in here, I'm gonna finish this whole thing by myself," Eli then said with a smirk as he pointed to the chocolate mousse. He flashed Clare a huge smirk when he saw her playfully dig her fork into the mousse and swallow a big bite with what Eli found to be the most adorable smile on her face.

XXXXXXXXXXX

"It's amazing," Clare breathed in awe as Eli read her lips, the sound of the waterfall drowning her voice out.

It really was amazing to see them from behind, she realized as she closed her eyes for a minute and only listened to the sound of pounding water falling upon pounding water, hundreds of feet below. The water was so pure and sparkling, falling in near strands of crystal purity. Clare leaned back, hitting Eli's chest and reaching for his hands and placing them on her hips. Eli loved this action on her part, and he looped his fingers through the loopholes of her jeans, happy that she was not wearing a belt. Her back was pressed against his chest, rising and falling along with his matching rate of breathing, and he kept his chin on top of her head for a minute before moving his head to the side of hers and kissing her curls. Her eyes were still closed, but she smiled softly at his kisses, listening to the sound of water, and feeling as if she was being cleansed by the tons of water.

Tons of water to wash away tons of mistakes, Clare thought as she sighed happily, feeling Eli's presence all around her, at the smell of the cologne that he wore these days and the feel of his arms around her.

As she felt his kisses among her curls, she knew what was happening.

Something that she had wanted to happen for so long now.

She was starting to feel okay again.

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

"That was by far," Clare said with an excited squeal as she handed the protective headphone back to the pilot, "the coolest thing I have ever done in my entire life!" she finished as Eli's arms lowered her onto the tarmac, as there was a pretty big jump from the helicopter seat down to the ground.

"Sure beats flying over the freaking deserts of Kandahar," Eli said with a smirk, because underneath his cool demeanour, he had been just as excited as Clare, who he had seen at her most giggly and most wonderstruck during the helicopter ride. Her eyes had been as wide as Eli had ever seen, her hand hung onto his very tightly at all times, and she had squeezed her eyes shut for the first few minutes, much to Eli's amusement.

But she had soon opened them, and she knew that she was living one of the best moments of her entire life. Niagara Falls, from up above in a helicopter, could only be described by one word in Clare's mind.

A miracle.

They truly were a wonder of the world, and Clare told Eli that she was extremely happy that they had decided to go for the helicopter option after all, and she spent the rest of the two hour drive back home recounting everything, snuggling into Eli just as she had on the way there, and even as she was quickly falling asleep, she was still murmuring,

"And the sound…and the way you'd get sprayed while standing behind them, but oh my God, my favourite by far was the helicopter…I can say I've been in one now…and the way everything looked so tiny, and the way my skirt almost flared all the way up when we approached the helicopter….and the sight from above…"

Eli chuckled in amusement, absolutely delighted that she had loved the helicopter and their trip to the Festival of Lights around Clifton Hill later, where they had bought cotton candy and gone on the old-fashioned train before heading back home.

When he led a still-sleepy Clare to her door, the Toronto sky now dark, he got a very loving kiss that was slowed down by Clare's sleep-infused senses, but Eli liked it most that way.

"Eli…I had the best day with you today," she breathed as she pulled away, still keeping him in an embrace.

"Me too. So fun," Eli replied with a smirk.

"I love you. I'm excited to go back to school knowing that you'll be there too. As my boyfriend now," Clare said with a sleepy giggle.

"About that – need a ride to campus? You and Alli, who I'm assuming will move in completely new things despite the fact that she's only been gone for the two weeks of Christmas break?" Eli asked with a raised eyebrow.

"I'd love that," Clare confirmed at once, placing another sweet kiss on Eli's lips before saying good-bye.

When she entered her home that night, Helen couldn't believe how Eli was able to do in one day what she had never been able to do when Clare would return from a breakfast with her dad.

Eli had made Clare…so happy. He had made her have a good time, forget about her troubles, but done it all in such a responsible, not a careless manner.

He had acted perfectly. He had done something that most boys only did in movies.

XXXXXXXXXXX

"I have a confession to make," Clare Edwards told Eli as they were studying in the library, now having been back at school for a full week. Eli had taken a job at the U of T Writing Centre, telling Clare all about how apparently he had worked at the UBC Writing Centre in his year in Vancouver, and his old boss had recommended him to the U of T counterpart. This was, once again, a sad moment for Clare as she realized not only how much of Eli's life she had missed, but also how much he had been doing with his life. What had she done, she thought sadly. She had done something bad with her step-brother, and had make-out sessions with a boy who had ridiculized her at the university, she reflected sadly.

Clare had been afraid the first week back at school; afraid that she would walk through the English Department and have people whisper about her, behind her back. Afraid that she would have a reputation.

She knew Eli knew this; she knew it was why he walked her from class to class when their schedules met, gently holding her hand. It had been the biggest relief to Clare when she saw that no one did talk about her or whisper about her; U of T was a big school, Lorenzo was long gone, and she felt like her life could go back to normal again. She also knew that the fact that Eli was the one who held on to her hand gently helped… a lot. He was very respected in the English Department and around the school in general; people recognized him. They all knew his story, and by extension, they loved and respected her.

"What's that?" Eli asked as he flipped a page in his binder, furiously scribbling something down.

"Eli…I'm really ashamed to tell you this, and…it might change your opinion of me," Clare whispered. "You might not…you might not think of me as your Clare anymore," she added.

She saw Eli's pen drop out of his hand at once, and he gently walked her out of the library to a quiet spot outside, where no one was around.

He sat down on a bench and pulled her onto his lap as he gently whispered, "I am mad. I'm mad that when I asked you, you didn't tell me the truth," completely confusing Clare.

"What…?" she whispered.

"I _asked _you! That night when I saw him hit you and you came to my apartment, I asked you," Eli said, and Clare heard his voice hitch. "I asked you if you were okay, and if he had done anything else. Goddamn it, Clare, I knew! I knew that if that jerk felt that it was okay to hit you…I just knew that he had done other things, things that were way worse! And now…now you waited so long! What if whatever is wrong could have been helped by seeing a doctor earlier? Huh? What about that? You will tell me, Clare, everything, and we are going to the army medical centre right now. It'll be kept off the records if I ask it to. If you're…pregnant, I will help as much as you want me to. But Goddamn it, Clare, don't wait anymore! Who knows who that guy was with? Did he even use a condom?" Eli blurted out, his hands shaking.

"Eli," Clare whispered, knowing that he did have a point. Clare had been scared herself when Lorenzo had hit her…it really did show that….if pushed far enough, Lorenzo could have done much worse.

"I can't believe you feel you couldn't tell me! Clare, truth is, when I saw the way you'd kiss Jake at school, I knew you'd have sex with him soon. You don't have to be embarrassed with me, but all I ask if that you tell me the truth – for your own good! How did he hurt you? Something is wrong, Clare, and nothing is wrong if you just have sex and everything is okay. If you're hurting, something is wrong! Very wrong! It's been what…almost a month since we've been together now. Something's wrong, sex doesn't make your body hurt…unless something went wrong. Did he….did he force you, Clare? Did he…oh God, you gotta tell me what he did, and you gotta tell me now," Eli said, all the blood rushing to his head as he panicked, realizing that he knew nothing about girls' bodies and…complications.

"Eli! Stop it! I already told you I'm a virgin still, and I really don't know how to prove it to you if you won't believe me!" Clare yelled, exploding at Eli.

She saw him inhale deeply a few times and calm down a little.

"I'm sorry. I do trust you, and I never meant to insult or hut you. But, Clare…I saw him _hit_ you – in public, without the slightest hesitation. If someone does that once, they'll do it again – and much worse. Take it from someone who knows. It's why….it's why Julia moved in with my family," Eli said, shaking a little.

"Oh, Eli," Clare said shakily. "I'm sorry," calming herself down too, because seeing Eli expertly manage his anger made her a little embarrassed that she wasn't able to do the same.

"I'm just…I can't get that image out of my mind. I was afraid he had done worse," Eli added.

"He didn't…you got to me in time," Clare breathed, and she slowly hugged Eli.

"The thought that someone would hurt you…and you'd keep it from me…it kills me, Clare. So tell me what's wrong," Eli pleaded.

"It's…my grades, Eli. They're not good. They weren't good all of last year…and seeing you doing your Master's, planning to go on and doing your PhD and having a position assured for you at the school…while I'm here doing my stupid undergrad with an English major with no idea with what to do with it," Clare shakily said.

"Oh, sweetheart…that's it? Your grades?" Eli asked, and Clare could feel his chest fall with relief.

Clare simply nodded tearfully, feeling so ashamed.

"I bet it's not even that bad. We're not gonna get top marks all the time - we're at the hardest university in Canada. It's okay Clare. It's okay that it's not like it was in highschool," Eli pointed out.

He then added, "I bet it's not even that bad. What's your average?" he asked.

"78%," Clare whispered, and Eli lightly chuckled.

"Oh, there's my Clare – always the worrywart," Eli teased. "That's not bad, Clare. It's not bad at all. You're overreacting," Eli told her.

"But I need an 80-83 if I want any chance of getting into law school, not to mention I need to write the LSAT, and that's a hard exam," Clare pointed out.

"And you will! You're supposed to study for the LSAT this summer, right?" he asked, remembering Daniel's timing in that particular task.

After Clare nodded in response, Eli told her, "So you will. I plan on getting something published as a follow-up to my book, so we'll just both be busy this summer, studying and writing for each other, okay?" he asked in an encouraging tone that caused a soft smile to appear on Clare's face.

Eli then continued, "And you'll bring up your average – fourth year is the most important, now, come on. And you do know that your fantastic boyfriend works at the Writing Centre – you'll have 24/7 access to me and my awesome editing and tutoring skills," Eli said with a smug smile that Clare wiped off of his face with a kiss.

"I promise you that we'll make it better, okay?" Eli said as he ran his fingers through Clare's hair.

"I just…I want to be worthy of you," Clare whispered. "You've done so many amazing things…been so many places…seen so many things…you're amazing, Eli. I just want to be worthy of you," she said, and had a pink elephant fallen from the sky, Eli couldn't have been more surprised. He had always thought of himself as needing to prove that exact thing to Clare…not the other way around.

"But you are, Clare. You are! I love you. I love you so much. We can get through this, too. We got through so much. And my friend Daniel, you know him, he was in the 90% percentile for the LSAT. He can help you get a top score, tell you all the little tricks," Eli said with a wink.

He then took her hands in his and said, "You and me, okay? We will also make our way through this. You and me together. There's nothing you can't do when you work hard, because you're amazing. And promise me you'll tell me when you feel stressed, and we'll work through that too. We're gonna have a good semester, okay? I'll read all your papers, and you'll read all of mine, and we'll make good use of our study time, and then we can have fun on Friday date nights, all right?" Eli said, and Clare nodded tearfully in response.

"I love you," she breathed as she hugged Eli tightly.

"You're giving me my life back, Eli," she softly murmured as she ran her fingers through his hair. "I love you so much," she repeated over and over again as Eli felt her chest shaking.

XXXXXXXXXXXX

"How was the midterm?" Alli asked Clare as the curly-haired girl made her way into their apartment at the end of her classes.

"Oh, good – really good! I got an essay question that was one of the ones I practiced with Eli yesterday," Clare said with a beaming smile.

"Speak of the devil – are you off to the airport now?" Alli asked as she put on some mascara, getting ready to go on a date with a boy that Jenna had set her up with.

"Yes! Finally," Clare said as she began changing into a soft lavender dress, black tights, and a beautiful soft brown leather jacket, wanting to look pretty for when she met Eli.

"He's only been gone three days, calm yourself down woman," Alli teased.

"Well, I missed him," Clare said with a shrug, not telling Alli that she had missed Eli so much that her need to be together with him and not liking that he was in Ottawa giving that talk that the army had requested him to, almost scared her. She had felt like going through the day's classes had been absolute torture; every minute seemed to last an eternity.

Once satisfied with her look and Alli's addition of make-up, Clare left the apartment and waited at the streetcar stop with a huge smile on her face, playing Taylor Swift's "Ours" over and over again on her iPod. She smiled at everyone around her, pleased that the boy she loved would be in her arms again in a matter of minutes. She got to the airport quickly, thoughts of her stressful day and exhausting midterm being far out of her mind as she made her way to the Domestic Arrivals terminal.

She got there early, so she had a coffee as she sat down on a chair, watching little girls run into their parent's arms, lovers being reunited, and business trips being ended. She got up when she saw that Eli's flight from Ottawa was now unloading, and she felt her heart pounding and her cheeks flush when she realized that he would be walking through those doors any minute now.

She didn't tell him that she would be waiting for him – she had wanted to surprise him.

A quick look around her told her that a large crowd was forming all around her as people began to walk through the sliding doors….they were coming off the plane now, she thought excitedly. There were various family members and limousine drivers with name tags of the passengers they were waiting for around her, and her eyes hungrily scanned the thickening crowd of people walking through the doors.

Her impatient mind thought that he would be the first person off the plane, and she was getting rather sad – but just like that, all of a sudden there he was. He was wearing his ceremonial, official black uniform – a suit with a white shirt and a black uniform, his two lines on his shoulder patches next to the embroidered maple lead and the tiny, tidy words 'Canada' and 'Veritas'. He looked so handsome, Clare thought, his black hair neatly combed and his green eyes shining the minute they locked with hers. He slightly gasped in shock at seeing her, and before Eli knew what was happening, Clare ran as fast as she could over to him, jumping into his arms and wrapping her legs around his waist as his smirk only got bigger. Eli stabilized her quickly by placing his hands on my sides.

"Oh my God, I missed you so much," Clare said, running her fingers through his hair as she had even missed the feel of that enormously. Clare barely gave Eli any time to respond before I gave him a heated kiss that she had been dying to give him since the minute after he had disappeared out of her field of sight when they had taken their good-byes three days ago. Eli, however, rapidly happily obliged, deepening the kiss rather quickly, and Clare felt herself involuntarily moan into the kiss, which she knew made her cheeks even redder than they already were.

Eli had to pull away and he set Clare down as she breathed, "I love you," but Eli only captured her lips again, and they shared another passionate kiss. When they pulled away, Clare hid my face in his shoulder when she saw a few people staring at them, smiling at the beautiful scene of a healthy, happy soldier coming home to his girl. But hiding her face in Eli's neck only made her smell his characteristic scent, so she just pulled him in for another kiss that she felt him smirk into.

Eli and Clare then both finally caught they breath and Eli got a smug little look on his face as he said, "Now _that's_ what I call an airport kiss," winking before he said, "Nice show, Edwards," but Clare wasn't that embarrassed.

She intertwined their fingers and explained, "I get to do that. I've spent three days away from you, Eli, and I don't care if people don't approve of the fact that I need to make up for all the kisses that I missed in this time".

He shook his head in amusement and said, "Well, now, who can argue with _that_ logic? I _love_ airport Clare," and he gave Clare another kiss as she tugged on the fabric of his uniform sleeves, wishing to pull him in as close as possible into her own body.

All of her kisses were leaving Eli grinning all throughout the airport, and pretty soon they were in the parking lot, where Eli reclaimed his Mustang, having left it in the short-term parking lot.

After spending a few more minutes happily lost in each other, Eli's hands being placed on Clare's thighs by her, their slow massaging motion making Clare softly moan and whimper in pleasure, she heard him slightly moan and slowly pull away, saying,

"Oh my God, Clare…you're so amazing. But…we gotta stop if we ever plan on me being able to drive," Eli said, feeling himself so close to the edge of a situation that would lead to Clare's embarrassment, he was sure. They had only been dating for two months, and he didn't want to rush into anything more intimate…not in his car…not like this. Touching so high up her legs was a privilege that he had never been granted before, and he knew that they still had a little bit to go before it would be right for them to cross any type of lines. Eli knew that he would know when it would be right for them to get there, and it wasn't yet – they were really busy with school right now, and would remain so for the rest of the semester, he knew.

He wanted Clare to find her academic confidence again before moving further in their relationship. To him, it had even been a shock when after a movie night that was filled with kisses, Clare told him that someday soon, she wanted to be with him in a more intimate way, within the limits of her vow – he wasn't sure how purity vows worked. Clare had told him what she had done with those other guys, making jealously steam through his every pore, but Eli could also tell that it wasn't an experience that she looked back on with pride or even happiness.

So he had assumed that Clare really wouldn't want to do that again, but when she had lovingly tangled her fingers in his hair and whispered, "Someday soon…with you, it would be different. I would just like to be…a little more intimate. Just a little, Eli, okay?" he had felt his heart beat quicken. But he wanted to be careful, because Eli had picked up on the fact that in the years that they had been apart, things had happened to Clare that had left her shaken. He only wanted to move forward her slowly, when it was right for her. All he wanted do was to do everything right and show her how much he loved her.

In an uncharacteristic moment of optimism for him, something told Eli that he would. He would treat her properly and make her happy, in every aspect. After all, he thought with a smug smile, he seemed to be doing all right with her so far; her grades were higher by 10% than last term, and she seemed…so happy around him. It made Eli beam with pride.


	19. Didn't Even Leave a Scar

**One more chapter after this one, it was getting too long. **

**This will be my last story. **

**Twitter: westcoasttrees1 tumblr: westcoasttrees**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi. **

**XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX**

"This is amazing! Congratulations sweetheart!" Helen emphatically told her daughter as she looked at Clare's semester grades on her computer.

"I know, right? My best grades yet at U of T. And definitely my best semester," Clare said with a smile.

Helen leaned back further in her chair, smiled a soft smile and said, "I love seeing you like this, you know," sighing in content.

"Like what?" Clare asked her mom with a slight tilt of her head.

"You're happy, Clare. And doing well in school. I believe your life has found that balance you've been looking for for a long time now," Helen replied, being perfectly honest with Clare.

"I think so too," Clare replied with pink cheeks and a bashful smile.

"I'm so glad," Helen said "…and I'm glad things are going so well for Eli. I think…he's got something to do with your grades…right?" Helen said, not really needing Clare's confirmation because she was quite sure that she was correct, but more because she wanted to see Clare's reaction.

"He helped me a lot," Clare replied with another shy smile. "When he went to UBC for that year, he worked as a writing tutor at the Writing Centre there; his job was basically to help undergrads with their papers. Then his UBC boss recommended him to work at the U of T one, I told you, remember? He read all of my papers and gave me some advice, and he caught all of my mistakes really quickly, I could tell he had a lot of practice," Clare added.

"That's great, sweetheart," Helen said encouragingly. "I love how he supports you; that's what a boyfriend should do".

"I never realized how much time he spent studying or reading, either. I meant…he always did in high school, but I sort of…forgot about that after we broke-up. And I think in the time that we broke-up, Eli perfected his craft, did all that work with the army…and he does so much now too, mom. He's doing his Master's, he works at the Writing Centre for ten hours each week, he does some work for the professor that was his Colonel in the forces as well…he just has all…focus, direction," Clare said as she ran her hands through her hair.

Helen decided not to tell Clare that that was the thing that she liked most about Eli, in combination with the fact that she didn't have to worry about Clare being okay at night if she was with Eli; that boy watched her like a hawk, and Helen liked that, particularly when Clare lived on campus during the semester and Eli did too, his apartment being just outside the edges of U of T. she knew, however, that Eli's protectiveness was something that Clare didn't like much, so she thought the best strategy was not to mention it all the time.

Clare then continued, "And being with him…seeing how he's working and studying all the time…it helped me find my way back to that. Eli's time is really well-structured, and I never even knew that – because he's got so much to do. And no matter how tired I can tell that he is – he still takes me out every weekend and brings me coffee so many times during the week as well. He's always thinking about me," Clare said with another smile, remembering her past boyfriends in comparison.

"That, my darling, is what a good boyfriend should do. I'm glad things went so good for you two this semester. What are Eli's plans for the summer? He's working downtown, right?" Helen asked curiously.

"Yeah, he's going to be Dr. or Colonel, as Eli calls him, Stevenson's research assistant at the Pearson Peacekeeping Centre, that really fancy building on the corner of Yonge and Seymour. Writing reports, he said," Clare told her mom.

"That's an amazing job for someone his age – but it makes sense – a lot of army people work down there, in peace keeping obviously. He's not going to be deployed again, though, right?" Helen asked, a hint of worry in her voice, as she knew army practices and policies rather well from her dad's involvement with them.

"No, thank God. He said never again – he was honorably discharged. The whole army thing was more of a means to an end for Eli, financially and such," Clare said with a shrug.

"Good," Helen approved. "And you can have your nice summer of relaxing after everything you've been through, okay sweetheart? I know it hasn't been easy," Helen warmly said. "Make sure you're patient with Eli – he's working full time, and he'll be tired, it's hard to do that in the summer after a semester of intense school work and exams. Give him a break now and then. I like the dates he takes you on a lot – nice dinners, movies, and all those literary events that he takes you too. He's such a nice boy. But make sure you let him know it's okay to take a break now and then – he can come over for dinner anytime here, and sometimes maybe you two just want to hang out," Helen kindly said.

"I know. He works so hard. And he never lets me pay for anything! Always says 'no way,'" Clare explained in frustration.

"Eli's been a little old-fashioned. There's nothing wrong with that, sweet heart. Let him be. If he wants to pay, let him. It probably makes him happy. And he works, and good jobs too. I'm sure he just likes spending time with you, taking you to nice places and watching a movie and such. Just let him," Helen said with a shrug.

"I know, I know," Clare softly replied. "I've been thinking about getting a job next year on campus too – Eli said he can talk to his boss – she always hires new tutors at the start of a new year, he told me. I think I'd like to work there," Clare replied.

"If you want to – only if you want to. You know your father and I have plenty of money for your school and for anything else you need, love. But jobs are good at your age for work experience and contacts. I think working at the Writing Centre would be perfect for you, Clare. And you could work with Eli too, it's always nice to enter a job when you know someone who works there," Helen pointed out.

"I want to – but summer first," Clare giggled as she took one last look at her perfect grades and shut down her computer.

XXXXXXXXXXX

Three days later, Clare was filling up her glass with the contents of a Coke can that she pulled out of Eli's fridge. Her favourite part of his apartment was his kitchen – it had a beautiful wood floor and it was so smooth – in fact, one of her favourite things to do was to take a bit of a running start and slide all the way across the section that connected the kitchen to the rest of the apartment.

"Check it out," she playfully called out to Eli, who was finishing up his very first report on Mogadishu peacekeeping efforts over the past month for the Pearson Peacekeeping Centre, his laptop on his lap.

"Don't slid-" Eli said as his eyes widened, but it was already too late – in a fit of giggles, Clare had triumphantly impressed even herself with how much ground she had been able to cover in her 'master slide' as she imagined announcing it to Eli as…just before she felt her right foot slide out of her control and she landed on the floor with a soft thump.

When she felt Eli's arms quickly pick her up, she flashed him a playful aggravated look, because despite his best efforts to hide it – he was laughing, and when Clare recognized the situation at face value, she also began to giggle in his arms, and soon the two of them were laughing insatiably. When Eli calmed down and placed a quick kiss on Clare's lips, picking her up and bringing her to the couch, he gently asked,

"Did you get hurt? You okay?" with a hint of worry in his voice as he gently caressed her legs, smoothing the pretty material of her flowered summer dress down, and continuing his motions of his hands across her legs for a few extra seconds after Clare had indeed confirmed that she was indeed.

"Don't do that again – I've had a couple of epic wipe-outs that way myself, when I first moved in," Eli shared with her, and the visual caused Clare to burst out in giggles.

She then stole Eli's laptop and assumed her most serious politician-of-the-year tone as she began reading the words that he had written…

…_it is therefore the recommendation of the Pearson Peacekeeping Centre that rapid reaction be the top priority of future Somalia peacekeeping reforms. When the factors of a complex humanitarian emergency, piracy, and imminent civil war are combined, human casualties – _

Clare could only get that far before she heard Eli say,

"Nice try, Edwards," and he reclaimed his laptop. "You know that's confidential, as much as I'd love to have you proofread it," Eli continued with a smirk.

"You like it? The work you do?" Clare asked before she took a sip of her Coke.

"I do. It's sort of the next step up from the stuff I was writing about when I was deployed," Eli said as he opened up his email account in order to send his finished report to Col. Stevenson, using the protected army email system.

"All done," he declared triumphantly, "and now I can fully concentrate on my beautiful girlfriend," he said as a wide smirk spread on his face before he leaned in towards Clare and planted a series of kisses all along her exposed shoulder, skipping the area covered by the strap of her pretty summer dress and moving to her neck, backing away when Clare's giggles stopped and Eli interpreted that as a signal that he should do the same.

"Sorry," he mumbled, not sure if he had done more than Clare bargained for.

"What for, silly?" she asked with a smile.

"Just…I don't know," Eli awkwardly stumbled.

"Eli…I'd tell you if I was uncomfortable with anything. Remember I'm not fifteen anymore," Clare pointed out, but Eli only sighed heavily, because whenever she'd say that, it only served to remind him of what she had done with Jake and her subsequent boyfriends. In an effort to gage where exactly she was at when it came to this stuff, Eli had been able to get out of Clare that she had let those other guys hands wander under her skirt – which to Eli meant that of course she had let them move her underwear aside – and as if that wasn't bad enough, she had done things in return, and somehow ended up with the belief that those things equaled love, as she had tried to use them to show him that she loved him, something he had thankfully been able to stop before offending her too much.

"Yeah, I know," Eli replied, in a tone that sounded too much like scoffing for Clare's taste.

"So you don't have to be so afraid," Clare went on.

"I'm not afraid," Eli shot back at once. "I just want…I just want everything to be right, and special, and sometimes I just don't know what you're thinking," Eli shrugged.

"Well, how about I tell you what I'm thinking?" Clare asked with a sly smile.

"That would be very helpful, Edwards," Eli replied with a chuckle.

"I'm thinking…that…" Clare began, rising from her spot on the couch to slowly straddle Eli, loving how he seemed just a little taken aback and focused on nothing but her eyes, "this is right where I want to be," she finished as she rested in her embrace, only to jump up after a few seconds, the feel of Eli's phone vibrating in his pants pocket taking her aback.

"Sorry," Eli said with an apologetic smirk as his expression changed to one of slight surprise as he read the Caller ID display.

"It's Arizona, my friend from Vancouver," he said as Clare saw him touch the green button on the iPhone's display.

"I know who she is, I met her, remember?" Clare mumbled. She wasn't exactly a fan of all the things that had entered Eli's life when she hadn't been around…she felt like there was so much that she had missed. Whenever she let her mind wander to how things could have easily ended up incredibly different – she never might have earned Eli's forgiveness and been able to get back together with him – she immediately felt an intense urgency to grab him and never let him go, and the only reason that she didn't was because she didn't want Eli to think that she was crazy.

When Eli enthusiastically greeted Arizona – he didn't talk to her much these days – Clare frowned and promptly got up off his lap and took a seat somewhat far away from him on the couch. From where she was standing, she could hear the conversation loud and clear, and she loathed Arizona's giggles and Eli's laughter in return. She was, however, too consumed by her steaming, to catch the first – and very important – part of the conversation between Eli and Arizona, and all she consciously studied was what came after.

Eli had a huge smug smirk on his face as he said, "Well – if I may say so – I really am awesome at calling this stuff. You, Arizona Calloway, are actually the second half of a couple to get married after matchmaker Eli's introduction. My friends Daniel and Imogen have now been happily married for six months," he was proudly saying.

Wait, Clare then thought. Arizona was calling Eli…to tell him she was getting married? To a boy that apparently Eli had introduced her to? Maybe that dark-haired boy who Clare had met when Arizona's mom had met up with Fiona's dad when they were working with the UN and the Afghan government in their efforts to find Eli and get him home safe?

"Congratulations. You deserve all the happiness in the world. So stoked for you, Arizona," she then heard Eli happily say, and Clare indeed saw that his entire face was lit up.

She then heard him say, "I'll be there, of course. Gotta see my west coast girl get married – Oceanside wedding perhaps?" in a playful tone.

She couldn't hear Arizona's responses any more, but Eli then also said something about it would be his pleasure to, that he didn't expect that at all, and that sure, of course he could be there a day early for the rehearsal dinner and that 'I'll ask her and get back to you'.

When he did finally hang up, his smile was met by Clare's frown, leaving Eli confused.

"Arizona called me to tell me that she's getting married in two months. She's marrying her boyfriend Kenny, this guy I introduced her to because he wanted to be her dance partner…it's kind of a long story, that whole thing, but basically now they're getting married in Vancouver. July 28th, but I should be there on the 27th because I'm going to be one of the groomsmen, seeing how I get an honorary spot because without me, that dude would still be pining for Arizona from afar," Eli finished with a chuckle that did absolutely nothing to amuse Clare.

Eli picked up on her sudden change in mood, and he didn't like it – he could feel the slight panic rising in him – he hated it when Clare flipped the switch on him like this; he felt so powerless – he knew that nothing he could say or do would please her – if she wanted to be mad at him for whatever reason, she would be. So he decided to try to sweeten the deal by sharing the piece of information about the wedding that was his favourite vision.

"I, of course, want you to come with me. The wedding is in Vancouver, where they both live. Arizona's family is this really loaded and old society Vancouver family – particularly her mom's side. Her mom, who helped me in my troubles there, is this really big shot human rights lawyer, and her dad is a really esteemed songwriter and producer – Arizona said that the last thing she wants to blow all this money on is a huge wedding, but apparently it was a condition her parents have always had; some big fancy society wedding is necessary apparently. She wants you to be a bridesmaid, Clare, you know…seeing how I'm the groomsmen and all," Eli shared with a soft smirk as he remembered how Arizona was the most inclusive person he had ever met, always thinking of how everyone around her would feel in light of whatever decisions she made and always striving to make everyone around her happy.

"Okay," Clare said with a soft smile that did wonders for Eli's currently low self-esteem, because she ultimately reasoned that this whole Arizona thing wasn't really anything that she should be worried about.

She let out a few playful giggles before she asked Eli, "Oh God, can I trust Arizona's taste in bridesmaid dresses?" even though she remembered how Arizona was always so fashionably dressed in that west coast style - pretty country dresses, dark skinny jeans and western-style fringes on her shirts, jackets, vests and purses and those fantastic red cowboy boots that Clare knew must be one-of-a-kind.

Eli flashed her a smirk in response and let out a tiny chuckle of his own before answering, "Don't worry, you can. You can trust Arizona with anything and everything," getting up because seeing Clare drink Coke made him want one as well, as he continued, "I practically trusted her with my life for that year in Vancouver," speaking absent-mindedly, but honestly.

If he had been able to see Clare's face from the kitchen, however, he would have perhaps regretted his comment.

She was absolutely steaming in fury at Eli's rather innocent comment.

_He trusts her with his life…while I know that he doesn't fully trust me yet. Me. His girlfriend. Yet he trusts that….girl_, Clare thought in anger.

"Right," she then slyly said out loud. "Sounds like you two were pretty close while you were out there," Clare venomously said.

It was only then that Eli began to understand what was happening here.

"Clare, it was never like that between Arizona and I," he pointed out at once.

"Really?" Clare accused. "You trusted her with your life but she never made her way into your bed?" Clare shouted, leaving Eli literally open-mouthed.

"You bet she didn't," Eli answered. "I learned my lesson with taking advantage of girls a long time ago, thank you very much. I wasn't about to hurt Arizona too," he said quietly.

"Like with Imogen," Clare supplied. "So…there were feelings," she determined.

She heard Eli sigh heavily before he made a gesture of frustration with his hands and answered, "Clare…I don't understand. You're mad at me because Arizona had feelings for me while we had broken up years ago…and I never dated anyone else, while you…did…several people," Eli remarked.

"So she did like you," Clare accused.

"There was…a moment of confusion, when we came to Toronto for that conference especially. But we got over it quickly and we managed to salvage our friendship. That's what Arizona and I had – a good friendship, and we hardly even talk now that I've left Vancouver. You realize she's inviting me to this wedding and the first thing she asked was for you to call her to talk all that girly dress style stuff, right? It's not fair…what you're doing to me. It's not. We were broken up, Arizona and I didn't ever date, or kiss, or anything – while you didn't spare a second thought in my direction once things got going between you and Jake," Eli potently said, and Clare rose her gaze off the ground just in time to see the hurt in Eli's eyes as he said those words.

She breathed in and prepared to respond when Eli cut her off with a light shining film in his eyes as he said,

"_Don't_ try to tell me that you did. _Don't_ lie to me. I know you didn't waste a second thinking about me after that. The play forced you to be around me, and when it was over and I was living in hell, not sure I'd wake up to see the morning sun ever again, you couldn't be happier you didn't have to spend another second in slight contact with me. When I found you in the woods at Jake's cabin, you said you were happy that I found you, and like a fool I thought that had something to do with me – but it didn't, I understood that when you gave me my jacket back – looking at Jake the entire time. You were glad it was me because you were just pissed off at Jake and didn't want it to be him; wanted to hold it over him that it had been me. Meanwhile Arizona and I were friends; she helped calm my fears about being all alone in a new city, helped me find a great job that is the direct cause of me having the job I have now. You do not get to be upset over Arizona…even if I had dated her, Clare, which I did not. It's not fair. It's not what you are trying to make it to be. I met Arizona at a time when I really needed to believe that there was _some_ kindness left in this world, _some _good… and then I ran into what is probably the only girl in Vancouver to exemplify those qualities as well as she does. And yes, I want to see her marry the boy she loves; the boy who has wanted nothing more than to get to be the one who looks after her. So hang me in the town square for wanting that – but you do not get to be upset over the friendship Arizona and I share," Eli said with a determination in his eyes that took Clare aback.

"You're right," Clare then breathed, and Eli exhaled in relief.

She then continued, "I just…got jealous when you said that you trusted her with your life".

"Well, I did," Eli added, "But that's got nothing to do with you, and I never meant it as a criticism," he pointed out.

"I know," Clare said with a soft smile. "I'm sorry," she offered at once.

"No need," Eli kindly replied, "Don't worry about it".

"But…you said she had feelings for you. And in Toronto…that was when I was so horrible to you," Clare evasively said, not wanting to specifically say that that was when she had danced with Eli and led him on in an attempt to make Lorenzo jealous.

"So?" Eli asked with a shrug.

"Well, that night," Clare started, "you and her headed into a cab, after I did what I did," she evasively said again, not wanting to mention how she had caused a breakdown in Eli and Arizona had expertly approached Eli after, took his hand and brought him back to the hotel, making sure he was calm and safe.

"Yeah…?" Eli asked, wondering where Clare was going with this.

"She's really pretty, Eli. And smart, and she was your close friend. What…why didn't you -?" Clare asked, but Eli gently cut her off,

"Clare," he just breathed emphatically, and Clare knew that Eli was doing his own bit of evasion and calling foul.

He sighed heavily one more time before he said, "Arizona saw that conversation that you and I had," as Clare flinched in shame at that particular memory. "She could tell. She could just tell," he shrugged.

"I'm sorry, Eli," Clare breathed tearfully at the memory of everything that she had put Eli through.

"Don't worry about it," Eli repeated, "But…I'm not like, obsessed with you, Clare. Yes, I didn't date Arizona because…I wasn't ready to date anyone else, emotionally. After what I did to Imogen, I knew that I had screwed up. Girls like Imogen and Arizona…they deserve guys who will love them with all of their hearts, and that wasn't me. It is, however, Daniel and Kenny, which makes my matchmaking services have a 100% success rate. Now I just have Adam left to figure out," Eli said with a smirk.

"I need you to know, though," Eli continued, "that it's not the way it was. I knew you didn't love me anymore, and I knew that one day I would open my heart up again to a girl who I would love right. That's why I didn't do anything with Arizona, which is what I know you're asking me," Eli deadpanned.

"Eli?" Clare then softly asked.

"Yeah?" he replied.

"I love you, you know. With all my heart. Only you. And I'm the luckiest girl alive…because you gave me another chance," Clare said as her voice broke.

It was then that Eli approached her and wrapped her up in a hug, pulling her pretty curls gently back as he kissed his temple.

"I love you too, Clare. So much. Now don't be sad. I thought girls liked weddings, and I get to show you Vancouver this way too. We can go a couple of days early, get two rooms at a hotel downtown and literally be twenty minutes from both the ocean and the mountains. We can make a little mini- get away out of it at the end of the summer," Eli suggested.

"I'd love that," he heard Clare reply as her hands hung onto his army-defined biceps a little more powerfully in their embrace.

**XXXXXXXXXXXX – Two months later-**

"And then we went to Stanley Park where we went to the beach, and just…this city is so pretty, mom. I mean, I'm really glad I didn't have to do the one year teaching thing here, because I didn't want to be away from home for that long, but it's got to be one of the most amazing cities in the world – Arizona told us it always gets voted within the top three cities in the world that's best to live in, and I believe it, mom! Definitely the prettiest city in Canada to visit," Clare was telling her mom as she looked out of her hotel room window.

"I know, sweetheart," Helen said with a laugh, "I've been there too, remember? Though I imagine it must be a little different now, I was there so long ago. But the best thing about that city is definitely its nature, and that surely hasn't changed," Helen added before switching the direction of her conversation with her daughter and asking, "And…you stayed in your own hotel room last night, dear? And Eli…stayed in his?" Helen inquired, a little embarrassed to do so, but knowing that this was a very necessary conversation despite how uncomfortable it was to bring up.

"Mom," she immediately heard Clare say in a reproachful tone, "Eli's all about that promise he made me…about how my wedding night should be the way I've always wanted it. And if there's one thing Eli's big on, it's promises. No way he'll break it," Clare answered.

"So I take that as a yes to my question?" Helen asked, just to be clear.

"Yes, mother, I was safely in my room and Eli was in his across the hall. For the entire night. I'm still safely a virgin, there's no reason to worry," Clare groaned.

"Just asking, sweetheart. I'd just like to know…if things change, that's all," Helen sighed before Clare said she knew and changed the subject of their conversation.

Just after she hung up, she heard a knock on her door, and sure enough, when she went to answer it, Eli was on the other side of the door, holding out a cup of coffee to her.

"No Tim Horton's?" Clare teased, having by now being well-versed by Arizona in the ways of the west coast, that Clare judged to be rather different than those of Toronto - one of the biggest differences in both her books and Arizona's being the Starbucks/Timmys dichotomy.

"You know there's not one for miles, while if I throw a rock I'll hit five Starbuckses in this town – you saw that downstairs two of them are literally across the street from each other?" Eli asked with a smirk.

"I saw," Clare answered with a laugh as she handed her cup back to Eli after taking a sip and declaring it perfect – so she could put her light summer jean jacket on. It was evening out, and the temperature dropped significantly in Vancouver, so she knew that she would need it.

"All set for rehearsal dinner fun?" Eli asked sarcastically as he lovingly held onto Clare's hand as they made their way through the very much alive downtown Vancouver streets on their way to the swanky Fairmont Hotel that Arizona's parents had selected for the rehearsal dinner.

"I'm excited for your speech," Clare said with a wink Eli's way, expressing her true feelings – ever since Eli had heard her that Arizona had asked him to be the one to speak, she had been really curious to hear what Eli would express in a wedding speech, particularly seeing how Arizona's family was also Christian. When she had walked into Eli's apartment the previous week, the sight of him thoughtfully scratching his head with a Bible in his hands – of all things – had caused Clare to burst out into wild giggles, and she had ended up a little surprised of how easily Eli made his way through his passages. He explained to Clare that throughout his English undergrad and Master's degree he hadn't been able to 'get away without reading some of these lovely pieces of…fiction' as he had put it, but overall, he demonstrated a proficiency in reading the Bible that Clare hadn't really expected.

She had also been a little relieved when Eli had contemplated the passage from Corinthians that now did nothing for Clare but remind her of how deluded she had been when, reading it at her mom's own wedding, she could have thought that Jake would have ever felt that way about her and desired to be with her forever. Sure, he would have taken sex – Clare was absolutely sure of that, but he never wanted forever, and now that passage was forever ruined for Clare – her previously most loved passage from the Bible. All in all, she was rather curious to see what Eli would have to say in his speech, and she was giddy with excitement throughout the delicious meal and the entire fancy affair that Arizona's parents organized. The way that Arizona was glowing with happiness never escaped Clare, and she adored how Kenny was always holding onto Arizona's hand and looking at her as if she was the only girl in the world – it reminded Clare so much of how she was sure of Eli's love purely by the way that he held her hand and how Clare knew that he would be content with just that – and a kiss – because that was simply the way that Eli was.

When Arizona's dad introduced Eli as 'a young man that I am so proud to know, a boy who courageously served his country and put himself in the line of fire so all of us at home can go on living the privileged lives that young men and women like him make possible,' Clare beamed up at him with pride and stood up a little straighter as she listened to him speak.

"Thank you, Mr. Calloway. Thank you for your kind words about the forces – and thank you and to your entire family for working such a legal and diplomatic miracle in your relentless fight to get me home. Stories like that mean more to the forces than I can ever explain…and you like how much I like words," Eli said with a chuckle that was also met by playful laughter by Arizona and Kenny and a few of their friends that had gotten to know Eli in the year that he spent in Vancouver.

"But tonight is not about me. Tonight is…about a miracle, really. I'm not a real religious man, but even I can realize the wonder of a miracle when I see it. I recognized it many times when it came to your amazing daughter, you know. As my good friend during the year of study that I spent in Vancouver, Arizona's inherent goodness, support, and unwavering loyalty was one of the most wonderful displays of kindness that I have ever been privy to receive in my entire life. Kindness like the one that she radiates is exactly the reason that Canadian men and women are overseas right now. But the even more amazing miracle was…the moment that I met Kenny, and before I give anyone the wrong idea, this is my amazing girlfriend Clare to my right," Eli said with a chuckle that caused the whole room to laugh when they realized that Eli meant to clarify.

"Now, Kenny here is your average strapping, brooding boy – I approve, Arizona," Eli said as he turned in her direction and smirked, much to the amusement of the entire room, "but from that first time that I met him – I was screening potential dance partners for Ari, you see – there was something that he said that just said it all for me. It let me know that I witnessed the miracle of true love….love that had the potential to be reciprocated, because only then can love truly become a miracle. It was clear to me that Kenny had been longing to meet Arizona for a long time," Eli said as the entire room burst into laughs again, "but all it took was one sentence from me, and I just knew. I knew that he was worthy of the amazing girl that Arizona is, because his words told me what I needed to know. He loved Arizona even before he truly met her. He loved her," Eli repeated emphatically as Clare noticed Arizona smiling shyly at her fiancé.

"You see, we were talking about the possibility of Arizona returning to dance with Kenny as her partner, and he said…he said…'The day I saw Arizona dance for the first time, I thought that that's how angels must move. When she left the dance world, a star went out. And if I get a chance to bring that star back to life, you bet I'm gonna take it'. Those are the precise words that he said to me two years ago, I guarantee you. And together, Arizona and Kenny create more than just dance magic these days – they create life magic, because that's what love is. It's…the colour in the sky. It's… a reason to believe," Eli softly said, locking his gaze with Clare's at those words.

"I believe that the original book of love – the Bible," Eli began, and Clare listened even more intently as he steered his speech towards the direction that Eli knew Arizona and her family would appreciate, "told us all a lesson that I understand more after my time in Afghanistan – that hatred stirs up dissension, but love covers over all wrongs. There is not a drop of hatred in Arizona's blood – that I am absolutely certain of – and Kenny feels nothing but love for his girl. Together, they share their love with us tonight. It was also the Bible that gives us the following passage that explains to us the miracle that love is: 'If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing'.

Arizona and Kenny have love, and have a life of joy to look forward to together. They have absolutely everything to gain together, and I stand here before them in awe of the power of love. Turning to the Bible again, I must agree that indeed, there are 'three things that amaze me – no, four things that I don't understand,' yet, the advantage of time since the Bible was written has helped me understand me some of them. We now know more about 'how an eagle glides through the sky, how a snake slithers on a rock, and how a ship navigates the ocean,' but when it comes to 'how a man loves a woman'….well, that one I'm not sure that it's science that we should turn to for an explanation," Eli said as Clare's eyes sparkled up at him.

Eli then kept his eyes locked with hers as he explained, "Because to really love a woman - to understand her, you have to know her deep inside. You have to hear every thought; see every dream, and give her wings when she wants to fly. And it's only when you find yourself lying helpless in her arms that you know that you really love a woman. When you love a woman, you tell her that she's really wanted; you tell her that she's the one. She needs somebody to tell her than it's going to last…forever. To really love a woman, you let her hold you until you know how she needs to be touched. And when you can see your unborn children in her eyes…you know you really love a woman," Eli finished as Clare's own eyes shined with tears.

"So I ask you to please join me in raising our glasses to Arizona and Kenny – who have showed us all how a man loves a woman, and how a woman loves a man. I look forward to seeing you two spend the rest of your lives together in love and tenderness. To Arizona and Kenny," Eli finished as everyone followed suit and raised their glasses in the very special toast.

When Eli sat down, he was immediately met with a sweet kiss from Clare, hearing her softly breathe, "That was the most beautiful thing I've ever heard," as Eli noticed that her eyes were still shining with a light film of tears.

**XXXXXXXXXXX -One week later-**

Clare was making her way into Eli's apartment using the spare key that he gave her, telling her that if she ever needed a quiet place to get away from everything his apartment was always available, even having a spare room where he promised he'd stay out of her hair if she told him she needed some alone time, when she heard Eli opening the door from the other side.

"Oh, hey," she said before she quickly kissed his lips.

"Didn't know you were home," she said as she pulled away, and she really didn't like the look of nervousness on Eli's face.

"I got home from work early today – at lunch," Eli answered in a hoarse voice.

"Oh, weird, that's never happened before," Clare remarked as Eli invited her in and got her a glass of her favourite cranberry juice.

"Yeah…something came up," Eli replied as he shot Clare a strange look. "Clare, we gotta talk," he then added in a sad tone.

"What's wrong?" Clare asked at once, setting her glass down on the counter and moving a little back, her leg slipping on the wood floor slightly.

Eli flinched at the sight and replied, "Wait, before that, I got you something to wear while you're at the apartment," walking over to his room and resurfacing with a pink store bag after.

"I hope you're not installing an underwear-only-Friday or something of the sort," Clare tried to joke with him, but when Eli only shook his head in response and didn't even crack a smirk, she frowned.

When she opened the bag, she softly exclaimed, "Oh Eli, that's so thoughtful of you," at the sight of the three pairs of fuzzy, knee-high knitted socks…with no-slip grip on their bottom; they were like a mix between slippers and socks, and they were made of such a nice material and had funky patterns and colours.

"I love them," Clare said as she ran her fingers over them, and Eli explained, "Fiona told me they'd work, she has some that she always wears when she visits, it's her credit, I just asked her where to get them".

Clare was then a little relieved when, as they settled on the couch together, Eli playfully slid off the plain white socks that Clare was wearing and slipped on the pink pair of the socks that he had gotten her, pulling them all the way up Clare's legs as she was wearing a skirt, and leaving kisses at the spots that the socks ended, playful and ticklish kisses that made Clare squirm in delight.

"What do you have to tell me?" she then asked, thinking that surely it wouldn't be that bad.

Eli shifted uncomfortably for a second before he said, "It's nothing serious, Clare. I'm not sick or anything like that," he said, because he knew that Clare was thinking that, and he noticed that she did seem a little relieved to hear him volunteer than information.

"I just have to tell you that I won't be in Toronto for the next two weeks, that's all," Eli said with a shrug. "But I'll be back before school starts," he added.

"What? Where are you going?" Clare asked, shell-shocked at Eli's piece of news.

"I have to go somewhere with Col. Stevenson…with the forces," Eli whispered.

"WHAT? ELI!" Clare completely exploded, moving immediately from his hug.

"Not a combat zone!" Eli immediately pointed out.

"I asked you! I asked you and you told me that you were honorably discharged and that you were never going back. And now here you are, springing this out of the blue on me!" Clare shouted, and Eli hated the last words that she said. He flinched in terror at them.

"Clare, it's not like I knew before today either. It all happened today. That's why I was allowed to go home early. So I can…pack," Eli said, lowering his voice.

"What? Pack? Just when are you leaving?" Clare asked in horror.

"Tomorrow morning," Eli told her.

"Over my dead body. You're not going," Clare stubbornly said.

"Clare – it's an assignment to Qatar. Please don't tell anyone, but there's some pretty big negotiations going on over there, for ending everything in Afghanistan for once and for all, and Col. Stevenson is going over as a representative of the Canadian government and he needs a representative. That's all. Two weeks. Qatar is really safe, Clare, it's worked really hard on building an alliance with the western world. Hosting BBC events, the soccer World Cup – " Eli began explaining, but he was cut off by Clare's hysterical shouts.

"Don't you feed me that propaganda crap, Eli! Something about this isn't right! You said, Eli, you said, that you were honorably discharged – why the hell are you going back all of a sudden? No, no, Eli something's not right," Clare picked up at once.

"I was honorably discharged – but then this assignment came up and I had to take it," Eli answered.

"Why? Eli, I have that $300 000 in my bank account, let's go to the bank right now and you can have it back, you'll eb fine money wise after that," Clare pleaded, tears now in her eyes.

"It's not because of the money that I'm doing it. I have plenty of money now," Eli said.

"Then why?" Clare shouted.

"Just let me explain," Eli softly said, and Clare replied, "By all means," still shaking in anger.

"Clare, it's literally the same type of work I do here, in Qatar, which is a really safe country, for two weeks, and then I come back in time for school to start, all right? It's just being an assistant to Col. Stevenson…and…no, it wasn't assigned to me. But…Daniel, he did accept it. He can't go, Clare, I won't allow it. Not because the last time that we went, my capture ended up in Daniel having a mental breakdown due to guilt….but because Imogen's eight months pregnant. She doesn't have a mom, you know that. She shouldn't be eight months pregnant and alone. Daniel needs to be with her, not kicking it in Qatar. So, I'm gonna go instead. Just for two weeks, all right?" Eli supplied.

"You did this for…Imogen? I HATE YOU!" Clare then screamed, and Eli widened his eyes in horror when she tossed her glass of cranberry juice at the wall. It shattered at once, staining the white wall a crimson red as a silence invaded the apartment.

When Eli spoke, it was in almost a whisper.

"I did it because it was the right thing to do. The risk is low –"Eli began, but Clare but him off at once.

"Don't you feed me some crap about the risk is low! I'm the girl who you told you were only going over to do some writing and would never see any combat, Eli! I'm the girl who watched your face on the news, day after day, with no sign of you being alive! I'm the girl who stood at the tomb of the Unknown Soldier as the guns rang one last shot and all I got was a flag! Don't you fucking tell me that!" Clare screamed, and Eli was shell-shocked when he heard her use that word.

"Clare…it's really fine this time though, it's not Afghanistan, it's Qatar," Eli tried to reason with her.

"Stop it! Just stop it! Don't you stand here and tell me that! It's not Canada, Eli, whatever it might be, it's not with me," Clare said.

"Clare, you don't know what I did to Imogen all those years ago! It was…monstrous. I owe her, and I'm not letting Daniel go over there after what he's been through. It'll mess him up for good, and he's got a child to be a father to," Eli added.

"See? There is a danger to where you are going – otherwise you wouldn't be so worried about Daniel going over there," Clare pointed out.

"There's a danger everywhere, even Canada," Eli said.

"No, no, I hate you! I HATE YOU! What have you done? Do you even realize what you've done? DO YOU?" Clare hysterically shouted as tears ran down her face.

"Clare, I didn't know you'd be so against it, I didn't think it would hit you this hard," Eli gently said as he tried to pull her into a hug, only to have Clare push him away, punching his abdomen with her fists as she tried to fight him, but ending up sobbing as she hug him tightly.

"No, no, no, no, this isn't happening," she said over and over again, hugging him so tight that his breath became a little strangled.

"Sweetheart, it's just two weeks of me writing in an office, it's fine," Eli told her.

"No, no, you can't go," Clare repeated.

"There's no taking it back," Eli said.

"WHAT? NO! ELI….WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?" Clare then shouted again.

"I'll be back before you know it, it'll give you a chance to miss me," Eli tried to joke, but there was nothing but sadness in his tone.

When Clare pushed him away at once, hitting his body so hard that he almost fell as she placed a huge distance in between them, Eli wondered what she meant.

It was only when she gritted out the following words that his heart sank.

"Eli," she said, staring him right in the eyes, "If you go tomorrow…" and she inhaled and exhaled deeply before she added, "If you go…I would prefer if you don't bother coming back to me. There would no point…in you coming back to me," Clare finished, a grave finality in her tone.

"What?" Eli asked with perfect heartbreak in her voice.

"You heard me," Clare replied icily.

"Clare, it's already been decided," Eli sighed.

"You're going?" she asked one last time.

"It's already been decided," Eli repeated.

"Then I guess it has. I guess it has," Clare emphatically said before she walked right up to Eli and slapped him so hard that her fingers left an imprint on his face.

"How dare you treat me like a fool. How dare you _make me love you_," she angrily whispered before she turned around and slammed the door behind her while Eli was yet to move out of the position that her slap had led him to assume.

**XXXXXXXXXX-Five hours later-**

"Eli, dude, picked up some comics that should hold you over for two weeks-" Adam began as he made his way into Eli's apartment, only to drop them when he saw the state that Eli was in. One glance at the cranberry-stained wall and the shards of glass on the floor made Adam really panic, and it was only when Eli explained to him the earlier events of the day that Adam realized that he at least didn't have to worry about Eli hurting himself…not in that way anyway.

He did, however, had to deal with an incredibly intoxicated Eli who was rambling on and on as Adam finally pieced everything together.

"How do I dare make her love me? Isn't that…the most ridiculous thing you've ever heard? How dare I? How dare she? How dare she tell me how much she loves me only to fucking leave me in a second? In a second, Adam! Sound familiar? Does is sound like…anything else Clare Edwards has ever pulled on me? I fucking hate myself for still being in love with her," Eli was going on and on as Adam was rolling his eyes and washing the wall and picking up the glass off the floor.

"I bet…that by the time I'm back she'll have another boy-toy hanging off of her, making out with him up and down school. I bet it won't take her that long even – ten bucks says she's already found one! She'll fucking let him put his hand up her skirt and –"

"Okay, woah, that's enough now!" Adam strictly said, definitely not wanting to hear that part of Eli's subconscious and its fears.

"I'm fucking annoying, I know…I know that I'm a pest and bother to you…just like I am to Clare. No one can handle crazy loon Eli…I even killed my parents," Eli sloppily said.

"What the hell are you talking about?" Adam said as he shot him a glare.

"Why do you think they died so young? People my mom's age don't get strokes. I killed them – I literally stressed them out so much that I killed them," Eli deadpanned.

"Stop talking crap. Aren't you supposed to be getting yourself together? You'll never be ready to deploy tomorrow, your drunk ass is gonna miss the plane," Adam pointed out.

"Am not," Eli stubbornly said.

"Dude, I get you're upset over Clare, but just give her some time. She'll get over it, she's not thinking straight," Adam rationally pointed out.

"I'm done with giving her time," Eli bitterly shot.

"Drunk fool wins again. I believe drunk Eli count is at 20, rational Eli at 0," Adam said with a laugh. "You shouldn't get drunk man, you're not a fun one. A lousy one, you turn even more angsty," Adam continued.

"I never fucking drink. It's not the alcohol, don't you get it? I can't drink and take my meds," Eli said with a laugh that made Adam's heart almost stop.

"Dude – Eli – did you take them and drink together? Dammit, tell me!" Adam shouted.

"Relax. I skipped them. I wanted to be a normal messed up college kid for once, all right? I wanted to drink till I was drunk stupid – mission accomplished," Eli said, as he swung the tequila bottle even further.

It was only when Adam grabbed it and dumped it down the drain that Eli even gathered enough reaction strength to frown.

"But why is all the tequila gone?" he said with a perfectly heartbroken look as Adam returned to the living room.

"Cause your drunk ass is already as intoxicated as I've ever seen the best of the best – Fiona – even she'd be horrified at this," Adam said as he gestured at the mess that Eli was.

"Don't you get it? It's what I do. I horrify people," Eli said.

"You're going to bed, loser," Adam sternly told Eli as he carried him there, sleeping in the next room that night, and helping an extremely hung over and constantly-apologizing Eli the next morning as the two boys completed the most rushed-ever packing job known to man.

XXXXXXXXXXXX-That same morning-

"Well, now, don't be so sad, sweetheart," Helen Edwards gently told her daughter as her entire family was at the breakfast table.

Clare didn't reply.

"Clare, come on, now. If we're going to be perfectly honest, I did more fighting for that relationship than you did. Maybe it just wasn't meant to be. You made your choice now, and Eli's no longer a part of our lives, but we wish him luck with his. That's the way it is," Helen said with determination in her tone.

Hearing her mom say that took Clare aback more than anything ever had. She had been such an advocate for her and Eli's relationship that…hearing those words come out of her mouth made it all seem so final.

Part of Clare had wanted her mom to immediately reproach her, to formulate some kind of plan to set into motion…but that finality on Helen's part made Clare deeply sad, and deeply regretful.

When Glen spoke, Clare was rather surprised.

"Well, I mean, I don't know, Helen. Clare, you still like this boy?" he asked, and Clare slowly nodded.

"You can still fix this, I think. It ain't over 'till it's over, if the past few years have taught me anything," Glen said with a smile. "That boy helped you with your career – with your grades, you said so yourself, that they were the best ever because of his help. It would probably mean a lot to him if you did the same, you know. If you supported him with this two week thing," Glen pointed out, catching his wife's wink and approving smile out of the corner of his eye.

"So…I just what, go to the airport in the next hour before his flight to the air base and find him?" Clare asked incredulously.

"Sure. I'll take you there myself," Glen said with a smile, and Clare immediately turned around and did something she had never done before.

She hugged him.

**XXXXXXXXXXXXX-Forty-five minutes later-**

"There he is, I see him," Clare explained to Glen, and he knew what that meant.

"I'll wait for you in the car. Good luck," Glen said to her as he flashed her an encouraging smile.

"ELI!" Clare called out at the top of her lungs, and when he turned around, in his full military uniform, Eli was as surprised as Clare had ever seen him.

She didn't give him a chance to push her back – like Clare was sure he would want to about now; it was Eli's defense mechanism and she knew it – before she ran into his arms, pulling him tightly to her and bursting out into tears as she frantically uttered a mixture of 'I love you' and 'I'm sorry' before she got her words straight and said each phrase over and over again.

When she was able to successfully kiss Eli's lips and he even kissed her back hungrily and passionately, pulling her body as deeply into his as possible, her tears only became more wild…tears of relief joined tears of fear as she trembled in his arms.

"I'm so sorry, I was just afraid, I want to…I don't want to lose you, ever, I just don't want to lose you," Clare said as she buried her face in his neck.

"You scared me…with what you said. You walked away, Clare. Just like that. In a second. You changed you mind. You'll always be changing your mind. Any day, you could change your mind. That's the only thing that I have the luxury of knowing," Eli sadly told her.

"I'm so sorry, Eli. I won't, okay? Never again," Clare pleaded.

"I wish I could trust you when you say that," Eli sadly sighed, speaking honestly as he caressed Clare's arms, not wanting to let her go, but wondering if it was the right thing to do…for once and for all.

"I wish I could prove it to you, and I'm so sorry. I know that all I keep doing is hurting you in the worst ways possible, over and over again," she said through her tears.

"That's not all you do," Eli comforted her.

"Please, please, give me another chance, please," Clare begged.

"Clare…" Eli hesitated.

"Eli…love's a miracle, remember?" Clare asked, remembering the speech Eli wrote for Arizona's wedding.

"I remember," he gently replied.

"Please, give it a chance. I want to live my miracle with you. I want our love to be the miracle, and to produce a miracle someday…like Daniel and Imogen's baby did," Clare pointed out. "I won't just ever leave you again like that, Eli, I promise, I promise," Clare hysterically said.

"I'm taking a chance on you, Edwards, I hope you know that," Eli cautioned her.

"I do," Clare said, her entire face lighting up.

"I love you, and I'm sorry that I have to go, but I'll be back, okay? This is something that I need to do for myself…to be at peace with my past, so I can be at peace with my future too," Eli pointed out.

"And I support you," Clare replied at once. "I support you, and I love you, and I will be counting down the seconds until you get home, Eli. The seconds," Clare emphatically told him.

"Dammit, Edwards," Eli said with a smirk before he captured Clare's lips with his and kissed her as powerfully as he could over and over again, knowing he didn't have much time.

"Ugh you two – there are children in the airport, please," they then heard a voice reproach them, and when Clare turned around she was confused at once.

"Daniel…? I thought you weren't going, because Eli…Eli…" Claire trailed off in confusion as she noticed how visible it now was that Imogen was pregnant, especially on the tiny frame. She looked even more beautiful than usual however, wearing a plain black dress and walking hand in hand with her husband, who was wearing the same type of uniform as Eli.

"This fool," Daniel said as he pointed at Eli, "did something that is so dumb it surpasses usual Eli foolhardiness levels – really wins the top prize!" Daniel sarcastically said. "When I heard what levels of stupidity he reached- signing up without even telling me, I was as furious as I have ever been in my life. In what universe would I let Eli go for me and I would just chill at home? No way, if he wants to go so bad, we're both going, and coming back in one week. Two of us can cut the work in half and be back so I can have plenty of time to meet my little girl," Clare heard him say as he placed a hand on his wife's stomach.

"Wiseass Eli, signing up behind my back," Daniel scoffed, but as Clare and Imogen watched the two boys bump fists, they knew there were no issues there.

The next ten minutes were some of the hardest in all four individuals' lives. The girls spent each second holding onto and kissing the boys they loved, and it was through teary eyes that they watched their figures fade into the masses of uniforms that also walked in the same direction.

Clare wondered if she had the mental strength to make it through the next seven days. As she caught Imogen's gaze, she knew the girl who was about to be a mom was thinking the exact same thing.

**Please leave me a review!**


	20. Man of My Word

**All right everyone, here is the last chapter!**

**Thank you so much to all of your who have ever read my stories! It means a lot to me to hear from you and I appreciate it so much that you joined me on my EClare journey. Yes, my journey has come to an end and as I have told some of you already, this will be my last story. Maybe things will change, but I cannot see that happening for the time being…we shall see what the next little while brings. **

**Twitter: westcoasttrees1 tumblr: westcoasttrees**

**Please feel free to talk to me on here! There is nothing I love more than a good Degrassi chat. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi. **

**XXXXXXXXXXXXX**

"All right boys, here you go," Col. Stevenson told Eli and Daniel with a smile as he handed them each two huge binders of readings and reports on the plane ride from the Canadian forces base in Trenton – the last bit of Canadian soil any soldier touches before being deployed – to Qatar.

"Thanks," Eli said with a slightly sarcastic look his boss' way as he widened his eyes playfully at the sheer size of the binders. Daniel did the same, sighing a little at the thought of his wife back home…eight months pregnant and alone.

_I'm doing this for her. For us_, he reminded himself – the contract he and Eli were given was a rather beneficial one money wise. Ultimately, it was only a week's worth of work for a lot of money – more than Eli and Daniel could get from any other job, they knew, and it was a part of the reason why they were there. However, it was not the only reason why they were miles away from their loved ones right now – this is simply where they both felt that they needed to be. Like many boys who often returned for tours of duty when it was not obligatory – or extended their tours without being asked – if you were to ask them point-blank, Eli and Daniel would simply look you right in the eye and tell you that they simply did it anyway – providing for their future and those of the girls they loved…they considered that to be their responsibility.

"Coffee please – and keep it coming," Daniel then said to the flight attendant that walked by them; as they were only travelling with Col. Stevenson to some negotiations that were not exactly…public, the Colonel had decided that the best course of action would be to fly on a civilian airplane – he did not desire to attract any more attention to themselves more than their uniforms already did. A huge Canadian forces plane flying through Middle Eastern airspace would not be the most prudent thing out there, but a group of three men in non-combatant uniforms flying to a country that had made its allegiance with the West rather clear was not a dangerous or surprising thing.

The deal for Eli and Daniel couldn't be any simpler. Read everything contained in the massive binders and summarize it into a neat 50 or so page summary. The minute they were finished – and it was up to Col. Stevenson's standards – the boys were free to fly home; they were not required to stay for the entire length of the negotiations. Having set a one-week timeline for themselves, they wasted no time in getting started – 18 hours on the plane meant 15 hours of straight work and 50 pages covered. A three hour nap turned out to be essential…planes made Eli sleepy and he also found them a bit cold. He wanted nothing more than to feel Clare's warm body against his, just lying in his embrace peacefully, her chest rising and falling slowly against his as they watched a movie together. He shook that feeling out of his mind, because he knew that he had a job to do and if he thought of how much he missed her, it would make him be less productive than he knew that he could be.

When they unloaded in Qatar, they were picked up by a limousine and driven to one of the many exquisite hotels in the country – one that Westerners stayed at, of course; one would have to ensure everyone's comfort, you see, as the Qatar officials chose to explain it.

Eli and Daniel were assigned to the same room – something that Eli hadn't exactly expected; he'd always had privacy in his work with the military, one of the many things that he greatly appreciated about his work. It wasn't that he minded Daniel's presence – after Adam, of course, Daniel was like a second brother to Eli – but he did fear one thing. Daniel knew about the fact that Eli was bipolar, but Eli had kept a particular detail of his health to himself after he returned from his Afghanistan tour of duty. The only people that knew about it were his therapist and Clare, and Eli didn't exactly want Daniel to know. He hoped he could keep it under control, but Eli knew that even with his medication and all the therapy in the world – and he really had received so much from top military professionals as well as from his own therapist – there were many things that were not in his control. His mind still had a tendency to escape his grip at times…well…at a certain time now only…at night. As the boys were briefly unpacking, Eli was at least happy that they were granted separate rooms within the larger suite that they shared, and within five minutes of finishing his brief unpacking job, he was completely out, as was Daniel in the next room.

Both of them only woke up when breakfast was delivered to their room, as well as a note from Col. Stevenson telling them to be downstairs in two hours to take notes of the meeting that was about to take place.

"Damn time zone," Eli heard Daniel mutter under his breath as he picked up the phone in their room only to hang up.

"That sucks man," Eli sympathized as he took a big bite of his blueberry waffles, wondering where on earth blueberries grew in Qatar and shrugging the thought off as he simply could not imagine such a thing.

"She's probably sleeping anyway, she's been getting tired really easily, you know, baby and all," Daniel attempted to console himself while Eli shot him a sad smirk.

"Can't believe you're gonna be a _dad_," Eli then continued as his smirk got even wider.

"I know," Daniel replied as he ran his hand through his curly brown hair, "I have no clue what I'm doing," he said with a laugh. "But I'm excited, and I think Imogen and I will figure it all out as we go," Daniel then said resolutely.

"I'm sure you will," Eli replied with confidence, "And when your little girl needs a cool uncle to teach her about music, well, you know who to come to," Eli said before taking a sip of his coffee and grimacing a little. Coffee sure tasted different here, he thought – it was handed out in these tiny little cups and it was so much more…intense, packing a bitter punch that made Eli long for a Tim Horton's double double.

"I'm gonna take you up on that free babysitting offer that I interpret that as," Daniel mischievously replied.

"Dude, that's not what I signed up for," Eli replied as he raised his hands in a defensive gesture.

"Gotta prepare for when you have one of your own," Daniel said to Eli with a playful punch.

"Ha! Can't really see that happening," Eli replied.

"You mean to tell me you _honestly_ don't think about a future with Clare?" Daniel asked, not even bothering to hide the fact that he didn't buy Eli's non-chalance…not even one bit.

"_I_ do," Eli sadly shrugged, "But _Clare_ changes her mind like…Imogen changes her accessories," Eli put it plainly for his friend.

"What do you mean?" Daniel asked with a look of confusion stretched across his face.

"I mean that…I don't know, I just…any day now she could change her mind," Eli sadly said.

"Dude, that's no way to be in a relationship. Either you're all in or…what are you doing, you know? You should talk to her about that," Daniel pointed out.

"I know. But actions are louder than words," Eli pointed out.

"What do you mean?" Daniel pushed.

"Nothing, just nothing. Come on, I've gotta get back to work on my part – you're freaking ten pages ahead of me, how'd you manage that?" Eli asked in frustration.

"It's the more legal-y part of the work right now, I'm just more used to reading that type of technical language, that's all," Daniel answered with a shrug. "Once we get past that and when it comes to the actual writing we have to do, you'll be faster than me. You always are," Daniel replied with a playful irritated glare Eli's way.

He then added, "Then we can try giving the girls a call, okay?" thinking that would cheer Eli up a little.

"_You_ can call Imogen, but you know I'm not allowed to have that security clearance with Clare while I'm on this trip. She's not my wife," Eli pointed out, not being a fan of the fact that Daniel forgot and he had to spell it out for him.

"Oh. Sorry man, I forgot," Daniel replied, a little uncomfortably.

"Don't worry about it," Eli shrugged.

"Hey – at least this place beats that last one by far, doesn't it?" Daniel asked.

"_You can say that again_ – I can get used to staying in a swanky place like this and never being a combat zone again," Eli declared with a smirk. "I'm gonna head into that hot tub at the end of the day too, those things are like a miracle for my leg," Eli remarked.

"Do you have a lot of pain still?" Daniel asked, and Eli noticed how he immediately sounded a lot sadder…making Eli feel guilty because he knew that Daniel still felt awful about the fact that he couldn't be there for his bud when things got rough.

"Nah, I really don't," Eli casually answered, "But it still feels so nice in a hot tub, the German doctors explained it to me why, but they told me so many things while I was kind of hopped up on all the meds that they give me that I honestly can't remember exactly why, something about muscles and heat and conduction of blood," Eli continued.

"Well, let me know if you ever need a break, we've set a pretty intense pace for ourselves here," Daniel kindly told his friend.

"No way man, no offense to Qatar, but I don't want to spend a single extra second here," Eli said.

"I hear you – _loud and clear_," Daniel replied with a chuckle as the boys gathered up their breakfast dishes and moved to the living room portion of their suite, where their computers and the massive binders that they were working with awaited them.

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

"I got in! I got in mom!" Clare screamed in excitement as soon as her mom opened the door to their house.

"What? You heard back? From U of T law?" Helen asked in clarification, wanting to make sure that she didn't misunderstand.

"Yes! I can start in September!" Clare answered with a huge smile.

"Wow! Congratulations sweetheart! This is fantastic. How do you feel?" Helen asked Clare after a long hug.

"I feel great! I'm so happy. I finally feel like…everything is okay," Clare said emotionally, and her mom flashed her a warm, smile.

"It is sweetheart – it really is. Only happy times from now on, okay?" Helen said as she brushed Clare's hair back. "I know that things haven't been easy for you at all…with the divorce…all that stuff with Jake and then Lorenzo, all the worry about Eli…" Helen continued.

"I finally feel happy again," Clare supplied.

"And that makes me feel happy too, love. Too bad you can't tell Eli, he helped you so much, all summer long studying for the LSAT," Helen said sadly. "Any word on when he's coming back yet?" she asked.

"He said he doesn't have a finite date; he estimates somewhere around a week. Apparently as soon as he's finished the work he's free to go home, and I'm going to get a call from the army with the specific plane – from Trenton they're going to fly civilian, and he'll come into Pearson," Clare said.

"That's good," Helen answered.

"I want him to know so badly," Clare said.

"He's going to do his PhD this year, right?" Helen asked.

"Yes. Even though Dr. Gilbert has told Eli he's holding a position open for him after he takes his PhD, you should have seen how worried he was, because he still had to go through the application process like everyone else – apparently that was protocol," Clare told her mom as she came in and sat down on the couch.

"Well, of course he worried," Helen said.

"Why do you say that?" Clare asked.

"Oh, I don't know. I think whenever it comes to Eli, you have to sort of think about what's been through. He's only 22 and he's lost his parents, been a prisoner of war – not even, because prisoners of war are treated humanely- and thinks he's 'killed' someone," Helen pointed out.

She then gently told her daughter, "Clare…nothing in that boy's life has ever been guaranteed, or safe like it should be. A parent should be somebody you can depend on, and Eli must have in order for him to get better. Then all of a sudden they're gone, just like his first love. Then he doesn't even know what to do about college and paying for it with his parents gone, and his spot at U of T is all of a sudden gone as he gave it up so you didn't have to move to the other end of the country. He goes to war to make everything work, in a non-combatant position – do you really think that boy could live with killing someone? – and he gets captured and tortured. Nothing in his life has ever been for sure, so of course he assumes his applications won't be either. It's really sad when you think about it – how hard life is on some people," Helen said with an empathetic smile.

"You're right," Clare said emotionally. "I just want him to come home now," she continued, tearing up.

"He will. He will. Only a few days left now – and think of how proud he'll be when you give him your good news," Helen continued with a big smile.

XXXXXXXXXXX

"Eli! Stop it! Eli! It's me, it's Daniel!" Daniel said as he shook Eli awake, and then patiently sat on his bed side while Eli caught his breath and his shaking stopped.

"Sorry," was all that he said once he recovered, embarrassed and ashamed of what Daniel had obviously seen. He must have been in a really rough shape if Daniel had heard him from all the way in his room, Eli knew.

"Don't worry about it," Daniel said empathetically, because if there was one person in the world who would understand the type of nightmares that Eli was currently having, it would be his army best friend.

"Go back to bed, I'm fine," Eli then said, his voice hoarse and his heart still beating rapidly.

"Eli, dude…it sounded pretty bad, you know. I get it – when it was happening to me, I wanted to sleep on the couch because I knew it would wake Imogen up," Daniel shared.

"I bet she didn't let you," Eli said thoughtfully.

"No. She got really mad when I tried. She never once left my side," Daniel said with a soft smile as he looked out the window at the many lights that lighted up the Qatar night sky.

"Of course she didn't," Eli said with a smile, genuinely happy for his close friends and the happiness that they managed to create together.

"Eli... "don't you dare touch her"… "let her go"….? You're not having war flashbacks," Daniel declared as a matter of factly. "What is it? You dream that…someone is hurting Clare?" Daniel ventured.

"It's not a big deal, I'm fine," Eli stubbornly said as Daniel saw him reach for a pillbox and take one.

Daniel, however, pulled out his litigation training techniques and simply followed his own line of argument and ignored Eli's dismissals.

"Someone is hurting her…and you're not getting to her in time. Or you're powerless. And you watch as they hurt her, unable to do anything," Daniel softly said it.

"It's just a bad dream, man, I said drop it," Eli said, his tone becoming a little more threatening.

"It's your captors, isn't it? They have her – more than just her picture. Or that guy that hit her? Someone has her – and you – and you can't save her, no matter what you do," Daniel persuaded.

"Just shut up!" Eli yelled, and upon seeing that reaction, Daniel knew that he had guessed correctly, so he just simply nodded and exhaled deeply.

"Eli….you can't keep living like this, dude. Not with this fear. What does your therapist say about it?" Daniel gently asked. "About the nightmares?"

"It's not just…they've been happening a long time, not just since the war. They're more frequent since the war, but I've had them since I was like, seventeen. She says they'll probably never stop, but there's nothing she or I can do about them. Just something I have to live with," Eli said with a shrug.

"Does having Clare by your side at night help? It helped me sometimes, you know, being able to hold Imogen," Daniel slowly admitted.

Eli smiled a little smirk to himself but eventually snapped out of it, saying, "Clare and I don't spend our nights together. She's waiting for marriage before doing any of that stuff," Eli said.

"Oh. Does that bother you?" Daniel asked.

"It's really fine, I wish people would believe me when I say that. I'm not with Clare just for the sake of having sex with her, and we'd not even be nowhere near ready doing any of that stuff even if she wasn't on a purity vow. I don't care about the sex. It's never been about that," Eli replied, honesty in his gaze.

"Cool," Daniel replied. "So…she has no idea?" he added.

"She knows I have nightmares, but…she doesn't know how bad it is on how intense they are," Eli answered.

"You should tell her. Maybe she could help you," Daniel eagerly said.

When Eli snapped back at once, "That's not her job," Daniel immediately flashed him a look of confusion.

"Um, pretty sure that's exactly her job as your girlfriend," he replied. "What kind of a girlfriend doesn't want to help her boyfriend?" he added.

"No…just no, all right? Clare can't. It's just a little different, that's all, Clare and I aren't you and Imogen," Eli tried to explain as best as he could. "I would never ask her for such a thing. Don't tell her about my nightmares," Eli said.

"I'm not gonna. But you should," Daniel said. "You're selling yourself short, Eli," Daniel warned. "Either you're all in with this girl, or you're just wasting your time. Imogen says she doesn't trust her, you know," Daniel said.

"Imogen's just really protective of her friends," Eli said with a shrug. "And she and Clare never got along in high school," Eli said.

"Yeah, that's what Imo said, something about how it all goes back to that massive crush on you in high school – gross," Daniel said with a laugh, as he was rather well familiar with Imogen's trials and tribulations over the years, as he had been the major grounding force in her life.

He knew everything about Eli and Imogen's past – and hearing about it led to a period of about a month where Daniel had flat out refused to talk to both of them, taking the time to form an opinion about the whole thing. He wanted to blame everything on Eli and punch him as hard as he could – which he did do one night after too many vodka tonics, showing up drunk out of his mind at Eli's house and punching him so hard that Eli's nose started bleeding. However, the night led to Eli admitting that he probably deserved that and more, and Daniel coming to the ultimate conclusion that the past was the past and if Eli and Imogen had been able to overcome it, and had been friends for over a year when Eli first introduced Daniel to Imogen…well, then he could overcome everything too, especially after hearing Imogen's assertions that it most certainly had not been all of Eli's fault and that she was no longer the person that she was in high school. And when Eli had simply told Daniel that what it really comes down to is that it would be a crying shame for Daniel and Imogen to lose the love they shared and the happiness they had with each other over something that happened so long ago, while he was out of his mind and Imogen was only sixteen, Daniel had recognized that Eli was right. It really would have been a shame for him and Imogen to not continue to be happy together.

"They're just really different, Clare and Imogen, that's all," Eli said with another shrug.

"Whatever man, all I know is that you're trying to build a future with that girl. She's not just some chick you're dating. I know you, Eli. I know that's not the way you roll. You should tell her. You have the right to ask things of her, too, you know. Otherwise that's no relationship. You're all in, but she needs to be all in too. Or else she doesn't deserve you. She can't be in a relationship with you and with one foot out the door. Or else this nightmare of yours will probably turn into a reality. You can't be living in a world of nightmares, Eli," Daniel emphatically said before walking out of Eli's room.

But the truth was that Eli simply didn't know what to do. Clare said she loved him, but Eli knew that perhaps that didn't mean anything. He was afraid that after what had happened with Lorenzo, maybe Clare was simply clinging to him because he wanted something safe. Eli didn't tell Daniel, but he knew the reason why his nightmares had morphed into the strange things that they now were. Clare might have moved past the strike that Lorenzo had delivered to her cheek, but Eli wasn't. He knew that that Lorenzo hadn't done anything worse to her, but it was beyond bad enough that he had felt like hitting her was acceptable. He couldn't get the image of his mind, and his nightmares represented his mind running away with the possibilities of what might have happened to Clare had he not stepped in to the point where the most violent and merciless people that he had ever come into contact with featured in the same scenario as a Clare in danger. But Eli also couldn't help thinking that maybe one of these days she would wake up and remember all those reasons that she broke up with Eli in the first place for and decide that this wasn't what she wanted after all.

Any day now, she could change her mind.

That was the only thing that Eli thought he had the luxury of knowing.

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

"It sounds amazing," Alli praised Sav's guitar playing as he was visiting his sisters' and Clare's apartment as he was on break from his Music master's program at McGill.

"It's still a bummer that Eli isn't around, I wanted him to help me fix up these lyrics a little – although I can't afford him, I'm no Lady A or Tim and Faith," Sav said sarcastically as he began packing up and heading for the door.

"Sorry," Clare said with a warm glance directed Sav's way, "but I couldn't really tell many people about him being gone, and I didn't know you were coming," Clare justified.

"Yeah, no, my fault, I didn't even call until I was already on the road. Tell him hey for me, though Clare. Glad to see you two together again. You make a really good couple. He's a good guy, Clare, make sure you give him a real chance," Sav advised her.

"I know he is. I know he is," Clare said with a perfect confidence that made Sav break out into a huge smile.

"All right then, adios girls, I'm off. See you at Thanksgiving, sis. Bye Clare," Sav said to the girls, exchanging a hug with Alli and a tiny one with Clare.

After the girls tidied up their apartment a bit, they made some sandwiches and settled down on the couch. When channel surfing didn't result in anything interesting, Alli simply fixed the channel on CNN and Clare smiled when she saw that they were doing their special 'Heroes' yearly broadcast. She explained to Alli that it was essentially a fancy awards show where ten people wo had been nominated by friends or family received $25 000 to help them with the amazing charity projects that they were previously running from their own funds. It always made Clare tear up to see all the good that literally one person could achieve; she saw a man who made meals for the homeless every day out of his own pocket, a man who built Afghanistan war veterans homes when they couldn't afford them, at the expense of his own construction company, and a woman who was by no means young, but who patrolled the Indonesian border and single-handedly saved girls who had been taken from their homes and forced into prostitution and brought them back to the safe haven centre that she had built, where she provided them with food, housing, health care, and avenues for healing and re-integration into the community.

"God, it's amazing," Alli exclaimed at the end of that woman's particular feature.

"I know," Clare agreed as she saw the woman go down the stairs of the stage and the award show's host introduced the next person who was honored.

Clare took another bite out of her chicken Panini and watched attentively as a young, pretty woman with curly brown hair came on screen. She was a lot younger than the people honored so far, and it was obvious that she had been crying earlier in the interview. When Clare saw that she was wearing dog tags around her neck, her hand immediately traveled to the ones around her own neck – and while Clare's did not have stars and stripes engraved on their back side, but rather a Canadian flag, she knew that they were the same kind…in more ways than one.

She stood up immediately and turned the volume up as Alli shot her an understanding look at once. Clare listened as attentively as she could to what the woman was saying.

_My name is Doris Causley and my husband, Luke Causley, was killed by a roadside bomb in Iraq last year. He wasn't a solider; he was a recently graduated medical student going on a tour of duty because he said it was where he was needed the most. The army also took care of his medical loans_, the pretty woman was saying as she stood on her front porch, staring right at the camera. Her voice was shaky and Clare clung to her dog tags tighter when she heard that the woman's husband wasn't a combatant either, but yet, here she was. The proof that Clare couldn't deny.

"Do you wanna change? Let's change the channel," Alli softly said, knowing that the fact that Eli was away made everything so much more intense.

"Don't you dare," Clare replied at once, grabbing the remote control and holding it tightly.

_Luke and I were high school sweethearts. He was a year older than me, and we broke up for a few months after he went to college, but when we realized how much we missed each other, he transferred to this state's university, and I graduated and joined him a few months later. On the night before our engagement, I had a feeling that he would ask me to be his wife. He didn't drop any hints or anything of the sort, but I just knew. I was visiting my grandmother, who has severe arthritis. Because she has arthritis, she can no longer paint her toenails. She always liked to have her toenails pink, and when I saw them all pretty and shiny, I asked her how she did it. She told me that my grandfather did it for her, of course. And you see, my grandfather has severe arthritis in his hands, but he did it anyway. I know this might all sound like the ramblings of a lunatic widow, but in that moment I knew. I knew that Luke would also paint my toenails pink,_ Doris said as her voice break and Clare looked at her with sadness and heartbreak filling her whole being.

Because in that moment, only one thought was going through Clare's mind.

_Eli would paint my toenails too. Not a doubt about it; I know he would. _

Clare sniffled as she then heard Doris continue,

_My husband, Corporal Luke Causley, was killed in Baghdad, Iraq, _and Clare watched a series of pictures of a handsome young man in full uniform and helmet flashed across the screen. In a tank, by a medical bed, a Red Cross emblem on the sleeve of his uniform…the images alternated with pictures of their wedding day, and another one of what was two beautiful, young people very much in love just lying together on a blanket, obviously on a picnic, Clare recognized. Doris was holding up the pictures to the camera and flipping through an album as it was obvious that she was remembering each memory vividly.

_You know, even four years later, people still don't know how to react when you say, 'Hey, I'm Doris and I'm a widow,' _she was now saying as footage of a military funeral that seemed all too familiar to Clare flashed on screen, Doris sitting down on a chair with a numb expression on her face. When Clare saw her get saluted and handed a flag, she placed her palms over her face and pushed her fingers ever so slightly into her eyes, wanting to shake the memory of the flag that she had received.

_After the funeral, I felt ostracized. Everyone liked to write off my grief due to my young age. They liked to say 'Well, at least you're young. You'll get remarried', _Doris was saying as she shook her head in pain.

_Excuse me? What makes you think you have the right to say that to me? To dishonor my marriage like that? Oh, just get re-married? What are you even saying to me right now? _She then slowly said to the camera as she flipped back to her wedding photos.

_I just wanted to create what I was searching for; other widows aren't going to judge that I might laugh at one moment, or tell me that I'm grieving 'wrong' _she said as images of the support group that she created came on screen. Clare learned that Doris had connected young military widows and together they went surfing, skydiving, and simply talked together.

"_One widow told me ... the first time you meet another military widow, it's like someone holding a mirror up to you," Davis said. "And it's a mirror that ... you haven't wanted to look into, because for once, you're finally seeing who you are, and you're seeing it through them. It's liberating."_

Doris then showed the camera stacks of letters that she had traded with her husband that made tears run down Clare's face. _It was easy for me to do – the waiting – because I knew that at the end I would be back with Luke….until those words came. 'The Secretary of Defense regrets to inform you that your husband, Corporal Luke Causley, was killed. I was now a military widow; the days ahead were a blur. His boots are still by the door where he left them. Even if he's not here, I still feel like he is in so many ways. When the person that you think you're going to spend the rest of your life loving never returns…I can't even begin to explain to tell you how that feels. We had dreams; plans; so many things we were going to do when he'd come home. Start a family…and paint my toes, _Doris said as tears now streamed down her face as well as Clare's.

As soon as Doris had accepted her award, Alli turned the TV off and Clare bursts into wild sobs.

"Oh, Clare, he's not at war this time, he's okay, he's okay," Alli tried to console her.

"But _how can you know that_? How can you know that he's safe? He's only safe if he's _here_! _With me_!" Clare said as she sniffled with a runny nose.

"Just two more days, right?" Alli asked.

"Who knows! Eli said they'd call and tell me his flight, but I have heard absolutely nothing!" Clare exploded. "What if something happened?" she whispered in horror. "I can't call that number with his dog tag information, because he's at a secret location," Clare said as more tears ran down her face.

"He's all right, I bet. Come on, it's Eli – that dude's been skirting by trouble ever since we were at Degrassi," Alli said, but as soon as the words escaped her mouth and Clare's eyes widened in fear, she knew that that was definitely the wrong thing to bring up at this point and time.

"But what if this time he doesn't? Don't you get it? Yes, he escaped Fitz' knife, and that stupid car crash he got himself into, and he even survived his own mind, and Afghanistan, but _all it takes is one time_! _One time_, Alli, and I would a widow! I don't care if were not married – that, what you saw on TV just now, that is just as much applicable to me! Don't you get it? People would be brushing my hurt off, telling me I'm young, to move on, to find someone else. It's not like that! This is…death! Of the person I love!" Clare cried, and it hit her that…not until this moment had she understood why Eli's emotions towards Julia had been so powerful.

When she retreated into the corner of the couch and sobbed and sobbed while clutching a pillow tightly, Alli gently asked, "Clare, what can I do? Tell me what I can do to make you feel a bit better," she offered.

She only saw Clare hide her face in the pillows and whimper, "Nothing. I want _Eli_," making Alli's heart break. Alli looked at Clare's distress and was taken aback…she was just repeating the same sentence over and over again, as if a genie had told her that if she only said it enough times, it would spontaneously combust into reality.

"I want Eli. Just Eli. I just want Eli," Clare cried as she clutched her dog tags tightly.

Alli hugged her slowly and moved the hair out of her face, but eventually she had to go to her evening class, and Clare knew that no matter how much she tried, Alli simply didn't understand. That woman on the TV, the CNN hero - she would, Clare thought with tears in her eyes.

But there was also somebody else who Clare knew would understand; it's just she didn't have that number. So she ran to Eli's apartment, used her key, and lay in his bed just for a minute; his bed had his scent, and Clare buried her face in his down comforter before reaching for his phone – it was on the nightstand, she knew; Eli always kept it there when he was at home.

She turned it on and it buzzed with the text messages that she had sent him; one for every day that he was gone, just a simple message saying I love you, or I miss you, or telling him something funny about what happened that day. She didn't open them, because she wanted Eli to have the pleasure of making each little envelope icon turn from open to closed, she just scrolled through the contacts until she got to a number that for many years, she never had the least desire to dial.

XXXXXXXXXXXX

"Ugh, I hate you back pain," a sleepy voice said as she tried to get up from her lying down position on the couch in order to answer her vibrating cellphone, cursing herself for having left it in the kitchen, but mostly flocking to it in a panic. When she saw the Caller ID flash across the screen, her hands began to shake.

"Eli? How are you home already? Why…why didn't he call me too? Talk to me, right now, Eli Goldsworthy," she said in a stern tone.

"It's not Eli…I'm just on his phone," she heard the voice at the other end of the line say, and she sighed when she recognized it.

"Clare Edwards. To what do I owe this honour?" she asked.

"Imogen," Clare breathed heavily, "Don't be mean to me. You owe me," Clare pointed out.

"I owe you _what_?" Imogen asked in an aggravated tone.

"_You_ pushed Eli into hating me all those years ago," Clare said, because she had slowly caught on to the fact that Imogen had manipulated her.

"So?" Imogen asked, completely unapologetic.

"So! That wasn't good for him, and you know it," Clare replied.

Imogen rolled her eyes and replied, "I didn't know he could still love you after everything that happened between you two. I just thought he needed to move on and he needed a push in the right direction. I was sixteen. I dealt with things the way a sixteen year old would. Besides, didn't you?" Imogen venomously asked.

"Maybe," Clare answered. "But you know what you did was wrong. I would have never done those things," she pointed out.

"Right. Except for the fact that you know, you…_did_," Imogen said.

"What are you talking about?" she asked.

"So I might have brought Eli by that restaurant to get him to realize that perhaps it was time to move on, but then again, you used Jake to try and make him jealous literally a few days after Eli was out of the hospital. And at that cabin trip, I believe he came in handy then too," Imogen pointed out.

"How do you know about that?" Clare asked, being caught off guard.

"People talk," Imogen replied with a shrug. "So don't stand on your pedestal and tell me about how much you care for Eli. Listen, I'm really glad for you two and all, it's nice to see Eli happy, but you weren't there for years as Eli came to terms with what happened. He's one of my closest friends, and we made our peace with what happened. I don't think I owe _you_ anything, so don't expect an apology," Imogen said, getting impatient.

She then continued, "I thought I was going to talk to Eli or to my husband, not to you".

"Look, I'm not looking for an apology for something that happened years ago," Clare said. "I just called you because I needed to talk to someone who I thought might understand, but I can see now how wrong I was. Stupid of me," Clare scoffed.

"What's so stupid of you?" Imogen asked, her curiosity getting the best of her.

"To think you'd care," Clare answered.

"Clare…you can't expect me to be your BFF all of a sudden. But I promised Eli I'd try to be…friendly with you once I saw how happy he was that you two were back together. But I have no clue what on earth you're talking about. Understand what?" Imogen asked.

"I just…you weren't watching CNN in the past little while by any chance were you?" Clare asked.

She then heard Imogen's voice get a little softer as she replied, "I was, actually. You saw it too? About…the widow?" she asked, and in that moment Clare realized that Imogen must have been even more shocked by the woman's words…because if something were to happen to Daniel, she would truly be a widow.

"I did," Clare replied emotionally.

"Oh, I get it now," Imogen kindly said. She then took a deep breath, blew it out and said, "Listen, why don't you come over? Daniel and I don't live too far from campus, from Eli's apartment. Truth is, I could use some company too. You and I need to get along, for Eli's sake at least. I want him to be happy, and I know… you make him happy," Imogen finally recognized.

"Okay," Clare replied, knowing that she also needed to make an effort.

She quickly scribbled down Imogen's address and just fifteen minutes later, she was standing in front of a nice townhouse, ringing the doorbell of the unit with the number 3 on it.

"Hey," she heard as she saw Imogen, wearing a red maternity dress open the door.

"Hi," Clare said, just a little bit uncomfortably.

She walked into the house and smiled when she saw an open door to what was obviously a nursery. The walls were painted a light purple and there were clouds painted on the ceiling, and the entire room was already prepared, looking like a little girl's dream. There was a beautiful white crib all set up, as well as a rocking chair by the window, a change table, and a bookcase with baby books and toys and stuffed animals.

Imogen saw Clare looking at it, and invited her in, something that Clare was up for at once.

"It's beautiful," she breathed as she smiled kindly at Imogen, who had by now taken a seat in the rocking chair.

"Daniel stayed up all night before he left – I kept telling him to go to bed, he had a ridiculous flight waiting for him the next day, but he wanted to finish it in case the baby came early when he was away. He said he wanted Becky to have a nice place to come home to," Imogen informed Clare with a faint smile.

"You're going to have a baby girl? Becky is such a lovely name," Clare praised.

"Yep," Imogen nodded.

"When are you due?" Clare asked.

"In two weeks. I just want it to happen already. I'm ready to meet this baby; I want to meet her now. It's kind of annoying now, being so huge. My back hurts _all_ the time. It's funny, everyone tells you about morning sickness and the baby kicking and such, but no one mentions just how much your back hurts," Imogen said as she stretched out her back a little with no results; no matter what she did, she just couldn't seem to get perfectly comfortable these days.

"I'm sorry," Clare politely said.

"It's fine," Imogen replied with a small wave, "Let's go get something to eat, okay?" Imogen asked, and a few minutes later, the two girls were sitting in the kitchen eating cinnamon buns. Clare was having hot chocolate out of sympathy for Imogen, who was restricted to that treat and not coffee due to her pregnancy.

When Imogen got up and reached for the phone, she turned around to Clare and said, "Thanks for coming. I'm not…proud of the fact that I'm so mean to you, you know. I don't _like_ being mean, but it gets the best of me sometimes. Back in high school it was from jealousy, you know. I was _jealous_ of you. Everything seemed to come so easily to you; you had friends, teachers liked you, you were involved at school, while I was…_a no one_ at Degrassi. Then when Eli transferred and he was in my math class in grade eleven, I just…I got this _huge_ crush on him, and we only talked for like a second, when I asked him what date it was, or one time when he spoke out loud more than talked to me, remarking that it was raining.

But when Coach Armstrong didn't make enough handouts one class – missing just one, of course – and I was wondering how I could be so invisible that a teacher wouldn't even make me a handout…well, Eli _gave me his_. He didn't think anything of it – though I sure did as my deluded self would – and he didn't even know my name. He wasn't even aware of my existence, but the gesture meant a lot to me. So then I made up my mind to talk to him the next day. But then, he skipped the next day – I had this big plan of what I was going to say to him, what I was going to do…but he just skipped, just like that, he wasn't there. And then on my way home, I saw _you and him_ at the Dot bench; he was literally like _a second away_ from kissing you; it was written all over his face…how he felt. And I thought…_of course_; what _on earth_ was I doing thinking I could talk to him and have him notice me? From then on, you became his girlfriend like overnight, and he was _so _happy. And then I saw him get all worried all of a sudden, with Fitz, and I cried like a baby on Vegas Night when I heard that that psycho almost stabbed him. Then when he crashed Morty, I was _sure_ he had died, and I stayed up until 3am crying for not being there for him…even if he had no idea who I was, I could just tell that he needed someone to tell him that he would be fine. After that, I told myself that I didn't care. I was going to make it happen – life doesn't wait for you, it just goes on.

He was _finally_ single, and I thought I loved him, so I was determined to do whatever it would take to impress him. And that meant…to be _you_. And I got _so lost_ in that one moment of happiness where…he knew who I was, or so I thought. He would walk with _me_ to classes; he would talk _to me_ about his writing. I did anything and everything to keep it going for as long as I could, because deep down inside I knew that it didn't really mean anything, because I wasn't what he wanted. But then…when he said it to me – plain and simple - what I was to him….well, all of a sudden he wasn't so attractive anymore. In fact, he was _monstrous_. I didn't want to be in his play anymore, I wanted absolutely nothing to do with him after he used me and completely tossed me aside the next minute. I saw him talk to you and Jake and was happy to be far away from that for once. But then he came to apologize, and _that _I never really expected. I know guys that use girls wouldn't really do that; they would do exactly what I thought he was doing – ignoring me. The fact that he _did _– and that he wanted to spend time and get to know _the real_ me – told me that what he did wasn't really his style. I knew he had some psych issues, and I decided that maybe we would make all right friends. I'm really glad I did, because Eli helped me out a lot since then. Not my finest hour, and not his either. Everybody deserves a second chance, and I can't stay mad for too long it just takes too much energy," Imogen said.

"Which is why," she continued, "I'm gonna do _this_," she said, and Clare saw her take her dog tag off and begin to dial a number.

"What are you doing?" Clare asked curiously.

"You're missing Eli _like crazy _– so much that you even talked to me, so I'm gonna get him on the phone for you. Just for a bit, just so you can hear his voice," Imogen said with a wink.

"Really? You can do that?" Clare asked, her eyes full of hope as they looked up at Imogen.

"I'm an eight-months pregnant military wife – they'll put me through to Daniel in a second. Chances are Eli will be right there somewhere, he can just pass the phone to him," Imogen said with a sly smile, and Clare was sure that she had never liked her as much as in that moment.

Clare then heard her say, "Hi, this is Mrs. Patterson for Lt. Special Representative Daniel Patterson, it's about our unborn baby, I need to speak to my husband right away please," and Imogen then flashed her another wink.

Clare then listened as Imogen said, "_Relax_ baby, I'm fine. Just wanted to get through to you, used a shortcut," and she guessed that for the next two minutes Daniel was chastising Imogen for her little trick, as she just playfully rolled her eyes and apologized before she said,

"Pass the phone to Eli, Daniel. Clare wants to say to him – but don't tell him it's her. It'll be a nice surprise," she said with a giggle.

"Thank you," Clare mouthed to Imogen as she received the iPhone with shaking hands.

"Hi, Imo. You didn't have the baby, did you?" Clare then heard Eli's voice ask, and just the sound of it - it was coming through perfectly clear – made her tear up at once.

"It's not Imogen, it's me," Clare said with a smile.

"Clare?" Eli asked softly, and Clare could hear the surprise and happiness in his voice.

"Yes! Imogen just helped me get through to you, that's all," she explained.

"Is something wrong? You okay?" Eli then asked in a panic.

"Eli, Eli, I'm fine!" Clare confirmed at once, not as annoyed with Eli's first conclusion as she might once have been.

"Good. Wow, this is so amazing, Clare," he then said warmly. "Great surprise. How are you?" he asked with enthusiasm.

"I got into law school," Clare blurted out.

"Wow! That's amazing! I knew you could do it!" Eli said with a laugh. "Congratulations! I'm so proud of you! When I come back, we'll celebrate, okay?" he asked.

"Of course, I'd love to. Are you okay, Eli? What's it like over there? Are you safe?" she then asked, worry flooding her tone.

"Sweetheart, I'm really safe. There's really no need to worry. I'm living in a four star hotel – don't tell anyone anything we talk about – but really, it's so safe. We literally don't leave the hotel, and I'll be back in two days most likely, okay?" Eli asked with perfect reassurance in his voice.

"I just really miss you," Clare said emotionally, taking Eli back when he knew that he hadn't even been gone that long, just five days. Sure, he missed Clare like crazy, but he couldn't help think that…that might literally have something to do with the crazy.

"I miss you too, Clare. So much," he confirmed for her. "Glad to see you hanging out with Imo, though I must say I'm a little surprised," Eli said, and Clare knew that somewhere on the other side of the world, he was smirking.

"She helped me get through to you. She's really sweet," Clare said as she turned around and looked Imogen straight in the eyes, and the two girls shared a genuine smile.

"You made my day, this is so special," Eli replied.

"Listen to me, Eli. I love you. You come back safe to me, now, okay? Because we have plans and things we need to do," Clare said as Eli smiled, a little confused. "I love you more than I've ever loved anyone in my whole entire life, and I know you'd paint my toenails," she blurted out in tears as she totally confused Eli.

"Paint your toenails? Um, Fiona tried to take me to a spa once, not really my style," Eli replied well humouredly.

"Never mind," Clare said with a laugh through her tears. "I just really wanted to hear your voice and to tell you to hurry up and come home because I miss you. I love you and I miss you. That's it, but that's everything, Eli. You're everything to me," Clare sighed emotionally, her voice faltering.

"Hey, hey," Eli gently said, "Listen to me, sweetheart. All I do is hang out with Daniel and write in a four-star hotel guarded by a private security company as well as combatants. Clare, the Secretary of Defense of the United States is in this same hotel. I'm not exaggerating when I say that we have the best protection in the world with us here. In the world, Clare," Eli shared with her, knowing the phone line she had called through was a secure one.

"I'm glad you're well protected, Eli. But that's my job. I want to be the one to protect you. So you come back to me soon, okay?" Clare said resolutely.

"Two days, Clare. Just two more days," Eli sighed.

"I love you. I'll be waiting, Eli, counting down the seconds. The _seconds_," she said emphatically.

"I love you too, Clare. Always," Eli assured her.

"Don't forget Eli…I'll never not be your girl," Clare replied with a soft smile that Eli could almost feel through the phone. She could then hear Col. Stevenson calling Eli in the background, so she knew that it was the moment for them to say their goodbyes and hang up.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"Okay everyone, I'm going to the airport to get him – make yourselves at home, and make sure you listen to Alli because I'm going to text her when we're close," Clare instructed her and Eli's friends that were gathered in his apartment – the night after her phone call with Eli, she had indeed received her much-awaited phone call from the forces that let her know that Eli would be coming in on a 4:30 flight directly into Toronto's Pearson airport.

She had wanted to do something special for him, so she had assembled a few friends for a small surprise get together, and Alli and Fiona had formed an alliance – Alli had always wanted to be the trendy girl's friend for a while now, but she never would have guessed the way to achieve that was through Eli Goldsworthy of all people – to decorate Eli's apartment with little Canadian flags and 'welcome home' banners.

Clare's excitement was obvious to everyone around her, and it caused Fiona to whisper to Alli, "See – that's it, right there. Do you see how excited she is? That's what it's like; you see someone light up when they're thinking or with the person that they love, whereas they're living in tones of grey when they're not". As Alli flashed Dave a smile, she confirmed to Fiona that she knew exactly what she meant. Dave had been putting up a banner at the time of Alli's smile, but that one technique on the girl's part resulted in the complete loss of Dave's focus, and a sighing Fiona as she chastised Dave over the fact that the banner was not straight.

Forty minutes later, a very furious Clare was doing her best not to swear at the traffic.

"I'm gonna be late; I'm gonna miss him," she said sadly to herself in the back of cab. All that excitement, all that happiness, would just be gone, she thought sadly – Eli didn't even know that she was coming to the airport, and he'd head home and get there and sure, he'd be surprised at the party, but she wouldn't get to see him! She wouldn't get to hug him and hold him tightly and kiss him the minute he touched down on Toronto soil, and that was all she had wanted to do since the moment that he left.

"That'll be thirty-five dollars miss," the cab driver's voice said, interrupting her thoughts.

Clare all but threw the money at him and ran out of the cab, her purse and pretty navy halter dress moving in the wind as she ran to the Air Canada domestic terminal, knowing that Eli was making his way from the forces base in Trenton.

"I missed him," she said to herself emotionally as she looked through the crowd, and a tear ran down her face as she left the terminal.

_I'm such a bad girlfriend that I couldn't even do this one simple thing; I couldn't even show up at the airport in time. I don't deserve him, and it's showing in each and every possible way, _she was saying to herself, torturing herself.

And then as she looked across at the automatically opening doors on the other side of the crosswalk, she saw a sight that made her smile at once – there he was, looking ever so handsome in his uniform and walking alongside Daniel and Imogen, whose face was so lit up as she held her husband's hand.

Clare saw Eli wave at them and she heard him say, "I'm off to find a cab. You two call me when that baby comes any day now," with a smirk and he and Daniel exchanged a fist bump and Clare smiled as she saw Eli squeeze Imogen's arm gently and say, "Take care of yourself, okay?"

It was only after he took his goodbyes from them that he turned around and stepped onto the crosswalk, and his eyes locked with Clare's. She saw smirk and laugh at once, and he opened his arms for her. Clare eagerly ran into them, throwing her arms around his shoulders and saying, "Oh, I thought I missed you!" with a perfect heartbroken tone.

She felt Eli squeeze her gently and lift her off her feet as he hugged her close and he said, "No way. I'm right here. I'm right here," and Clare felt him bury his face in her neck, playing with her curls.

Eli hugged and squeezed her for a long time, gently keeping her up in the air and off her feet, and Clare bent her knees herself, listing her feet higher off the ground as he kissed her lips gently and she swore that she could practically feel her body absolve into Eli's.

"I love you. I'm so glad you're home," she whispered into his ear, finishing with a giggle because of the kiss that he placed on her recent cartilage piercing.

"Me too. And I'm never leaving again, okay?" Eli said as his green eyes met Clare's.

"Good. But if ever are, I'm going with you," Clare said with a determination that took Eli by surprise. "Your Lieutenant Commander's wife, Emma, she goes with him on missions, you said," Clare pointed out.

"That's because Lt Cdr Cameron got her a job as humanitarian co-ordinator in peacekeeping. Apparently she was always really big on charity work or something like that. But no, Clare, I'm not going anywhere again, and you're definitely not either," Eli said with a smirk as he felt Clare run her fingers through his shorter hair over and over again before she responded with a playful,

"Good," and she leaned in and placed a gentle kiss on Eli's lips.

"Let's go home," she whispered as she pulled away.

"Please," Eli replied with a smirk and a playful head bang.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"SURPRISE!" Fiona, Alli, Dave, Adam, Drew, Katie, Bianca, and a few other friends of Eli's called out as his eyes widened in shock.

"Woah," he said with a playful smirk. "So this is what's been going on while I'm off with the forces – everyone parties it up in my place, huh, Edwards?" Eli asked as he placed his arm around Clare and drew her close to him.

"It's for you, silly," Clare replied with a mischievous smile.

Eli rolled his eyes and said, "I know. Thank you," he continued with honesty in his voice. "I can't believe you did this".

"Thanks everyone, I'm so glad to see you all," Eli added, and pretty soon the apartment was booming with music – Eli had a great surround system in his place – chatting college students, and Daniel and Imogen also showed up in about an hour.

Eli was telling Fiona a little about his trip – she always understood everything so well in regards to what Eli did because of her dad's work – when he felt Clare step in front of him and lean against him, causing him to hug her from behind and squeeze her affectionately, while led to release a little squeal of joy that had Fiona rolling her eyes and calling out to Adam that he 'save her from these two,' a task that Adam told her he fully understood.

Clare looked up at Eli sweetly and said, "Do you want a rum and Coke? I can make you one, if you can have one," she delicately said, knowing that Eli didn't drink much, and also knowing that some days he simply could not drink at all, depending on whether or not he had needed to take his meds. He had told her that these days, he didn't take them much because he had gotten to know his own body and emotions so well that he could tell when he needed them - as his doctor had trained him. However, it pained her that since she had re-entered his life, he had been taking them consistently – and he definitely must have been taking them while away with the forces, because there were so many stresses there. But Clare knew that the flight was an 18 hour one, and she knew that that was a big enough window of time, so she asked anyway.

"Just a Coke, but I'll get it," Eli replied, and Clare held onto his hand tightly as they navigated through the crowds of people and Eli got his drink and refilled Clare's.

He then them led to the couch and sank into it while Clare sat close to him and draped her legs over his knees and squirmed in delight when Eli absent mindedly drank his Coke and ran his hands over her legs, loving the feel of her smooth dress and black tights under his touch.

"God, I missed you," he said with an exhale before he kissed her deeply.

"I missed you too," Clare breathed as she pulled away. "Do you like your party?" she asked.

"I love it. Thank you," Eli replied emphatically, but as he pulled Clare into his arms and rested her head on his chest, she began to wonder if all he would have wanted best was this moment right here, just the two of them on his couch. When she felt Eli kiss her forehead and she saw the way he was looking at her, she was convinced that he did.

He was still gently caressing her legs and holding her tightly when Clare whispered, "Let's get rid of all these people," with a mischievous wink.

"What do you mean?" Eli replied with a smirk.

"I just want this – right here," Clare said with a contended sigh as she burrowed deeper into Eli's embrace. "And I think you do too," she added.

"No, it was awesome that you pulled this off for me. Thank you, Clare. It's great to see everyone all at once like this," Eli insisted.

"They've been here for two hours. Enough already," Clare replied with a silly laugh. "How do we get them to leave?" she said, a whine to her voice that made Eli laugh.

"Well…we can always try the Bullfrog-failproof-method-for-clearing-a-room," Eli said with a devious smirk.

"And what's that?" Clare said with a challenging tone that Eli adored.

"In the man's own words, 'play Jesus music,'" Eli replied as Clare punched his shoulder and he chuckled.

"What do you mean?" Clare asked as she saw Eli pull out his recently reclaimed iPhone.

"I mean - let's see here – I'm just gonna type in 'Jesus music" he said, "and I've seen this happen – if you play this….well, nothing clears a room faster," Eli said, hoping Clare wouldn't get completely pissed off at him, but the ways her eyes were shining with humour told him he was okay for the time being.

"Eeek….let's do it!" Clare said with an excited little yelp and Eli quickly downloaded the top song in the religious category and sent it to his wireless speakers. When it boomed through them all of a sudden, it was met with groans and strange looks his way, but much to Clare's amusement, he faked a perfect "Where the hell is that coming from? Trying to convert me, Edwards?" that fooled everybody.

Twenty minutes later, Clare could barely control her laughter as she proclaimed the Bullfrog-foolproof-method-for-clearing-a-room-post-party 'the most hilarious thing' she had ever seen in her life.

"You bet," Eli said with a smirk as he picked Clare up in an embrace and carried her back to the couch and resumed their earlier position and his strokes of her legs.

It was only as he leaned his head back and sighed deeply that Clare noticed the bags under his eyes and how bloodshot his actual eyes were.

"You tired?" she asked warmly.

"No, no, just…Daniel and I worked on our own schedule while we were there and we kept a pretty tight ship. We both obviously wanted to get back home as soon as possible," Eli explained. "And the time zone shift and the crazy flights messed us up a little, we basically just pushed on with our work as fast as we could," he finished.

"Thank you," Clare said emotionally. "For doing that. So you could get home sooner," she added.

"Of course," Eli said with a sigh, and Clare noticed that he'd close his eyes for a little longer than necessary for a blink.

She pushed his bangs back and smiled sadly when she could tell that he really had been deathly tired all this time, and that he had tried so hard for her with the party and everything.

Eli then opened his eyes and turned to face Clare and pulled a little purple velvet box out of his pocket.

"I got you something while I was away," he said with a small smirk as he held the box out to her.

"Eli – you shouldn't have," she told him, but her coy little smile made Eli beam in triumph.

"Come on, I was in Qatar – the most loaded country in the Middle East. And the jewellery they make there is crazy, and not like anywhere else in the world. Just open it," he said.

Clare did as he asked, and she found the most stunning gold wrap bracelet she had ever seen inside. It was thick, and made of a shimmery gold interlaced with tiny little white gold leaves and little sparkly green stones that dangled with each movement of her arm.

"It's so beautiful," she said breathlessly after Eli slipped it onto her wrist.

"I thought it would match your ring," he explained. "I'm glad you like it, because it's not like I can go exchange it," he said with a small laugh.

"I don't just like it, I love it. Everyone always asks me where I got my ring, you know," Clare added with a bashful smile. "Now they'll be really jealous of my bracelet too," she said with a playful kiss.

"I'm so happy and proud of you for law school, you know," Eli then told her. "Told you you could do it," he added.

"Thanks, Eli," Clare said with a meaningful smile. "For helping me study all summer for it".

"Of course," Eli said, and Clare pushed his short bangs back again, her heart aching at his red eyes and obvious drowsiness.

She then felt Eli run his hand through her curls gently and he asked, "Can I take you to a nice dinner somewhere to celebrate? I made a nice amount of money by being deployed, wherever you want, okay? Maybe the revolving restaurant on Queen's?"

Clare smiled sweetly at him – he was always so thoughtful and so eager to take her out – but she kept her hands on his chest as she all but whispered, "You don't have to do that –" but Eli cut her off.

"But I _want _to. This is amazing news you have. I want us to celebrate it," he pointed out.

"And we will, I promise. But you're tired, Eli," she said to him gently. "I can tell you're sleepy, and I know you worked hard and you've just come off of an 18 hour flight. I'm not going anywhere, you know…we can celebrate after you recover a little, okay?" Clare asked him.

"I'm fine, really," Eli insisted, "it just hit me a little as I sat down on the couch," he said with a shrug.

"Because it's probably the first sitting down that you're done in a while that's not on a plane," Clare expertly pointed out.

"Don't worry, Clare. I'm okay. I just want to take my girl somewhere special," Eli replied.

"And I'd love to go with you. But tomorrow, okay? Tonight you just rest. I'll stay a little, okay?" Clare said, and she watched as a slow, pleased smirk stretched over Eli's face when she cuddled into him, bringing both of their bodies into a horizontal position on the couch.

It was more than Eli ever thought he'd get – Clare staying with him like this, and he drifted off to sleep in a matter of mere minutes. For the first time in a long time, he had no nightmares; all he remembered when he woke up a few hours later was a flowery smell that came from Clare's curls.

The next day, Clare kept her promise and let Eli take his girl somewhere special to celebrate her achievement.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Both of their new schools – law for Clare and a PhD in English literature – kept them busy over the length of that school year, but among many library sessions, coffee dates, picnics and special meals, Eli and Clare leaned on each other as best friends do to make it through the school year. Their relationship entered a period of stability – oh there were fights, all right; there always were, but they also ended the next day with sincere apologies and sweet kisses – and both of them slowly gained more confidence in their long-term odds, especially Eli, who he had built up walls so high after what had happened the first time with Clare that only time and patient love could slowly bring down.

And as Clare was making her way from her very last final of first year law school, eager to tell Eli that the essay question that they had practiced late last night was on it, she couldn't be any happier that their relationship had found its ground so quickly after Eli's return from Qatar. She knew that time was what they needed to find trust again, and she was really glad that she had not screwed up things with Eli again, because she knew that no one could possibly take much more than what she had put him through, one way or another.

She shook those thoughts out of her mind and inserted her key into the apartment, knowing that Eli would be at home at this time but choosing not to knock because she did not want to make him walk all the way to the door; they had both had their last finals this morning, and knowing Eli's bedtimes on nights before finals…well, Clare just thought that is was safe to assume that he would be in bed, having headed there the minute he got home from writing his final.

She walked into the sunny apartment and smiled when she saw that she had guessed correctly, but when Eli saw her and got up from his bed with red eyes and a panicked look on her face she was a bit taken aback.

"Eli, it's me, sorry if I scared you coming in. How was your final? I got that question we practiced!" Clare said enthusiastically.

She noticed that his breathing was all irregular as he said, "That's great, Clare. My final was okay," and that was all he contributed.

"Great. Let's go celebrate then! We're finished the first year, and you know they say it's the hardest! Where do you want to go? I'm starving," Clare said with a giggle.

She frowned when Eli blew out a breath and he seemed to be struggling with his words.

"I can't go anywhere, Clare," he replied.

"Oh. You're busy? What are you doing, finals are over," she questioned.

"I just…I have to be on my own today, okay?" Eli calmly told her.

"What?" Clare asked in confusion. "But we've been looking forward to the end of finals for so long now Eli!" she chastised him.

"I can't! I can't! I can't be around you today! I can't be around anyone!" Eli abruptly said. "Just please…I just…I need to be alone right now. Please," Eli pleaded, taking Clare by total shock.

"What?" she asked again.

"I'm doing this for us," Eli said, confusing her even more.

"Doing what?" Clare pursued.

"Please, Clare, just…go. Go celebrate with Alli or Adam. I can't, I just can't. No today, I'm not gonna go out celebrating today," Eli said with a tone of finality in his voice.

When Clare grabbed his hands and he immediately retreated them, she began to feel a familiar fury over take her.

"Fine! Call me when you're done being a moody jerk," she said, making Eli gasp and scoff, "Predictable," which only infuriated her more and made her slam the door on her way out of his apartment.

On the other side of the door, Eli retreated back to his bed immediately, drawing the covers around him and burying his head in the pillow as he replayed the scene of Clare slamming the door and walking away over and over again in his mind.

XXXXXXXXXX

"Wanna go get ice cream? I just finished my last final," Clare asked Adam on the phone.

"Um, congrats on the final and all, but I'm on air in ten," she heard Adam reply, which made her frown at once. "And um, don't you have someplace to be today?" she then heard Adam ask uncomfortably.

"What do you mean?" Clare replied in confusion.

"Clare…what date is it today?" Adam then asked.

"My last final," Clare answered at once. "But it's over, and I want to celebrate and my stupid boyfriend just wants to be all moody and lie in bed all day. Well, no thank you – I prefer going out and doing stuff," she said stubbornly.

"That's not…that's not really fair, Clare. Eli lives for taking you out and you know it," Adam cautioned.

"Well, fine. But he practically threw me out of his apartment when I tried to get him to go out and celebrate," she replied.

"Clare…don't you get it? Today's April 30th. It's the day Bullfrog died five years ago. And next week…is the day Eli's mom died. And a week ago, remember what happened then? He held it together on the 22nd, I know he did because he's done really well with that date always, but…cut him some slack, Clare, he's allowed to be sad. Can't blame him for not wanting to go out and party the day his dad died. It's not right," Adam said with determination.

"What? I didn't know, you know Eli and I weren't really talking in grade 12. I didn't even know his dad had died for the longest time, nor did I know of his mom, and no one ever told me the dates. So that's why he was acting like that…oh, Adam, I was awful. I said something horrible to him," Clare said in a panic.

"Well, you'd better go fix it fast. Eli doesn't need any more sadness on this day," Adam replied, and by this time, Clare was already running back towards Eli's apartment.

She got there quickly and inserted the key into the lock once again, and she quietly walked back into the bedroom and got in the bed, noticing that Eli was asleep, whining painfully in his sleep like Clare knew that he often did, which broke her heart. She hugged him tightly and gently wore him up, knowing that if she didn't, the nightmare would escalate and escalate, leading to him waking up in a cold sweat and out of breath, clutching at the sheets tightly.

"Shh. Shh. It's okay. It's not so bad. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I was mean. I'm sorry I said hurtful things. I always screw up, don't I?" she asked with a sad smile.

"You don't," Eli softly told her. "But you can't be around me today. I need to be on my own today, and…for a little bit next week too, okay?" he added.

"I know what's wrong. Adam told me. I'm sorry, Eli. But please don't push me away. Please don't do that, you said yourself that the minute that we stop communicating, our relationship is as good as dead," Clare pointed out.

"But it's not like that in this case," Eli said as he moved a little bit away from Clare, something she didn't like at all. "No…I…this is something that I need to deal with on my own," he said resolutely, and Clare noticed that his cheeks were tear-stained. "Just me. I can't…if we're gonna work…I'm doing this for us, okay? You can't be here right now," Eli gently told her.

"Why not?" Clare asked softly, a whimper in her voice.

"Because I'm about to enter something that won't be my finest hour. I know myself by now, and I'm about to hit a low," Eli confessed. "And it's not just your average sadness…I'm bipolar, it's a lot more different. More intense. You…you hate intense," Eli said in a tone that reminded Clare so much of the one that he had that horrible night at the hospital as he told her about crashing Morty…the tone of a little boy.

"I don't hate anything that has to do with you," she told him.

"You do! And it's okay that you do, I get it. Everyone does. My parents were the only ones who didn't, and only because they were my parents, you know? You don't like my intensity…every guy you dated after me…you liked them because they were the furthest thing from that," Eli pointed out.

"But I'm not dating them anymore! I'm dating you, Eli! My choice is you," Clare put it as plainly as she could.

"I know. But I'd like to keep it that way. So you can't see the state that I'm about to enter. I can't even explain it, but…you have to go. You have to go, Clare, right now. I can deal with us breaking up if we do, but…it can't be about this. It can't be caused by this. I won' t be able to live with myself. You can't be around me right now. Please, just one day, that's all I ask. I can't…I have to be on my own. It's best for everyone if I'm on my own," Eli said.

"It's not," Clare tried to reason with him.

"It is! I can't be this…this broken, messed up thing for you to pick up. I hate that I'm like this, but I will not put you through it. Not again. It's not your job to make me feel better, and…I have to be alone today. I can't. It's for us, okay? I'm doing it for us. I just…I have to be the guy you fell in love with!" Eli said with determination.

"Eli…but you are. You are. You're not scaring me. You're allowed to be sad too, Eli, and to demand my time, I'm not the only one who is allowed to do that," Clare pleaded with him.

"No…if we're gonna work…no, it can't be like that, Clare. I'll call you tomorrow, okay? I'll take you out tomorrow to celebrate finals, okay? I…I usually see my therapist tomorrow morning, I only see her a few times a year, but after, okay? We'll go wherever you want, we'll do whatever you want to do, okay? Just….please, please…if we're gonna work, I need you to listen to me right now, okay?" Eli whispered with tears in his eyes.

"Eli…" Clare breathed.

"Please," she heard him whisper once again, and with tears in her own eyes that she hid from Eli she left the apartment once again, sinking down to the ground once she was outside the building and sobbing deeply when she realized that Eli would never fully open up to her again. She had screwed it up past the point of no return…this was the most he could give, but it was not enough. She had imagined a future with him – what would they do when they were married, she thought, he'd just lock himself in a room alone? She didn't know how to fix this, because it was plain as day that in Eli's mind, she was the last person he would ever permit to comfort him when he was at his most desperate, while in her mind, she had to be the first. The only.

But because she had dealt with everything so badly in the past, somehow Eli had formed the idea that she couldn't be around him when he was sad, she thought to herself, and she didn't know what to do anymore. He was up there in his bed, living in hell right now – that much she knew, and she couldn't pull him out because he wouldn't let her! She wanted to be the one to be there for him, but she wondered if she had lost that right a long time ago.

And the most painful thing of all was that the one thing that she wanted to do right now was to…call Cece. She wanted to talk to Eli's mom, and to his dad, and to make a plan on how to pull him through this – what she had gone back in her mind and imagined her younger self to do all that time ago. She wanted to do it now, but she couldn't – because his parents had passed, and she didn't even know about it at the time!

So Clare did the only thing that she could think of in absence of calling his parents.

When the kind lady on the other end of the line picked up and all Clare could do was sob, she immediately heard Eli's aunt respond,

"Oh, baby girl, it's okay, it's all right," which only made Clare cry harder – because on the phone, Cece and her sister had always been indistinguishable, even to their mom.

Linda then added, "I'm already on my way, I'm pulling up in front of his apartment building right now," surprising Clare by being in Toronto. But of course she would, Clare then thought, she probably made this trip ever year at this time.

When Linda's blue Toyota pulled up and she got out, blonde hair flying everywhere as Clare ran to her and hugged her tightly, Clare painfully whined,

"He won't let me help him…I want to be there for him, but he won't let me," she informed Eli's aunt.

"Welcome to my world," Linda said with a light chuckle.

"What? He does that to you too?" Clare asked in surprise.

"Oh, sweetheart, he does that to everyone. That's just the way that boy is. Stubborn as his daddy and as sensitive as his mom. Hell-bent on not depending on anyone ever since his parents died. Sometimes I just want to smack his stubbornness right out of that face. If he wasn't so adorable, everyone would know how much that boy's hiding underneath the surface most of the time," Linda said, shaking her head as Clare surfaced from their embrace.

"But how do I convince him I'm not going anywhere? Nothing works!" Clare pleaded.

"Oh baby girl, I don't know why everyone is so obsessed with having Eli behave normally on this day. Why should he? He's allowed to be sad all he wants. He's allowed to stay holed up in his room the entire time. I just don't think it's good for him to be forever obsessing – he says it's his fault, you know. For not picking up on his mom's sickness sooner, and for making his dad and mom so sick with worry over his mental health that he eventually killed them. Isn't that the most ridiculous thing you've ever heard?" Linda asked.

"Sounds just like Eli," Clare replied sadly.

"Well, I don't like it, because it's not true. I just come visit him and try to get him to feel a bit better, that's all," Linda said with a shrug.

"But how do you do that?" Clare pleaded, desperation flooding her voice.

Linda then opened her car door again and smiled at Clare before answering, "Oh baby girl, that's not a task for a normal human being. No one can do it. But I have a secret weapon," Linda said before she leaned into the car and disappeared only to resurface with a very giggly and very pretty three year old in her arms.

"Mia?" Clare asked in confusion.

"To date, this little girl's the only thing that's able to make Eli smile on this day. She's my secret weapon. Now come on, let's head on up," Linda urged and Clare watched in shock as a much older Mia with huge green eyes and bouncy little blond pigtails said at once,

"Yay mommy, we're going to see Eli! I can sleep over?" the little girl asked, and Clare fell in love with her in one second when she heard her talk to freely – she really had grown so much since the last time that Clare had seen her.

"Yes, sweetheart, you can sleep over. But be nice, okay? Eli's tired today, sweetheart," Linda said as everyone paused at Eli's apartment door.

"He watched TV too late last night?" Mia then asked as her mommy lifted her up in her arms and Clare giggled.

"Yes, sweetheart," Linda replied.

As soon as they walked in, Clare heard Linda call, "Eli? Someone's here to see you baby boy!" and Clare noticed that Eli still looked just as sad, and that he didn't get out of bed.

"Eli! Eli! Eli! EEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLIIIIIII" Mia then squeaked, her high voice making Clare burst out into laughter as she ran to the edge of the bed.

When the next minute, she saw Eli stand up and pick up Mia and the little girl simply melted into his hug as Eli held her close and rocked her, kissing her hair ever so gently, Clare was sure that she had never seen anything as touching in her life.

Mia simply settled into his embrace and she became like a tiny little sparkle of joy and life that fit Eli's protective hug perfectly. Clare watched in amazement as he opened a drawer from his nightstand and he pulled out a 'Disney princesses' book, Oreo cookies and a juice box, and a box of chocolates that Mia opened first, making little faces at each differently flavored chocolate as Eli began reading to her. The little girl's stare was fixed on the pretty book, and occasionally she'd pop the rest of the chocolates that she didn't like into Eli's mouth and giggle madly at the way that he'd widen his eyes and scrunch up his face and declare them 'yucky,' asking what happened to all the good ones. Linda had at this point retreated, opting to wash Eli's dishes and do TV, but Clare remained in the doorway, watching the scene that unfolded in front of her with an enchanted look on her face.

Her body jolted when she heard Eli say, "Come here, Edwards," and he patted a spot down on the bed that Clare gratefully made her way to. It was on the other side of Mia, and Clare loved that this way, the little girl was lying in the middle and they could take turns reading to her.

"Eli, her name is Clare," Mia then said strictly when she heard Eli call the girl he loved by what Mia thought was an incorrect name, and both Eli and Clare burst into laughter.

"Story time," Mia insisted when she saw them lose her focus, and she held out her juice box to Clare with a hopeful look, and Clare understood that Mia required some assistance and she obliged, removing the straw from its plastic wrapper and inserting it into the juice box so the little girl could drink her fruit punch.

"Yummy," she declared after having a sip, throwing a pleased smile Clare's way.

Not twenty minutes later, Mia was fast asleep, and Clare watched as Eli pulled up the covers around her.

"Clare?" he then asked in a soft voice as he lied down too.

"Yeah?" she replied.

"I'm sorry. Thanks for staying," he said softly.

"Eli…I'm not going anywhere, and I wish that you would realize it," she replied.

"I just didn't want you to…I didn't want to bring you down. I feel like…I dragged you down, you know. When we first dated, and…it's a horrible feeling. I don't ever want to feel that way again," he said.

"Eli…don't you get it? You saved me when we first met. I met you at a time when I really needed to believe that there was some good left in this world, some…true love. And things were hard for us, and they didn't work out because we were so young. But Eli…I did bad things too. And you always stuck by me. And when I got myself in trouble later…after we broke up, after Jake, after Lorenzo, after everything, I was the one who needed help. I was the one going off the rails, Eli. It was bad for me, the path that I put myself on. But you," Clare said softly as she caressed his cheek, "you were able to give me the kind of help I never could give you when you had your own fall. You saved me, Eli. You saved me in every way that a person can be saved. And I don't even think you know it," Clare said with tears in her eyes as Eli stared at her shell-shocked.

"I love you," he whispered to her as he intertwined their fingers.

"I love you too," Clare replied.

"Later…I'm going to go put some flowers at my dad's site, and…my mom's too," Eli slowly told Clare, and her heart was leaping wishing that he would –

"…and if you'd like to come with me, I would love that," Eli said and Clare nodded at once as tears ran down her cheeks.

She then wiped them away and said, "And Julia's too, okay? I don't want us to forget her," which definitely surprised Eli.

After Mia went home when she woke up later that night, her mommy telling her she couldn't sleep over after all when she saw that Clare and Eli had patched things up and incorrectly assuming that maybe they would like some privacy at night – Clare had never spent a night with Eli as he didn't want her to misinterpret such an invitation – Clare got Eli to tell her a little bit more about Julia, knowing that this was something that she needed to do for him. She learned that Julia had been, as Eli described her a 'firecracker' and that contrary to the perfect idealized relationship that Clare had imagined Eli and Julia had, they fought constantly and drove each other nuts frequently.

But she also learned that when Bullfrog had seen Julia's step mom force her into her car at school one day, he had been the one to suggest that Julia live with them, and Clare's experience of living with Jake had allowed her to be more understanding now of how that changed everything in a relationship, and how it would obviously lead to sex so much sooner. She also understood that Eli took great care and pride in keeping Julia safe, and that his world came crashing down when she died…didn't get hurt or sad…but died…when all Eli had wanted to do was keep her happy and safe. But Clare listened patiently and not with jealousy, and then Eli showed her Cece and Bullfrog's wedding photos, that contained way too many poofed hairstyles and flowing hippy dresses for both of their tastes, but which Clare regardlessly considered to be some of the most beautiful things on earth.

And then, swearing her to secrecy, Eli also told Clare about…Ada, and how she had saved him from his captors, lovingly looked after him like a mother, and risked her own life to get him to safety. She read the emails that Ada had sent Eli from her new life with her daughter in England, and tears blurred her vision most of the time, as she realized that this was the woman to who she did not only owe Eli's life to, but the woman to which Clare knew that she owed her own life to.

Because a life without Eli…that would be like the CNN hero widow had said…a life without meaning, a life in which she felt as if she floated like a lost little bird, forever looking for a home but never finding it.

And after they visited the two graveyards – Eli's parents laid side by side in a different graveyard than Julia, one that overlooked the waterfront, and Eli made her dinner at their apartment, as she looked at him slowly eating, Clare realized that if he were to ask, she would make a baby with him right then and there. A baby that they could read to and show pictures of his grandparents to.

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

"Did you like it there?" Eli asked a very happy Clare as he was driving her home after their official end of the year celebration a few days late.

"I love it," Clare said. "My favorite date after our very first one," she continued with a wink.

"Can't beat Palahniuk," Eli replied with a chuckle. He thought he did pretty good in comparison though – taking Clare for a picnic on the waterfront as it was so warm and then later to Theatre Under the Stars, an outdoor movie series that always ran in Toronto during the summer but something that she had never been to before.

Eli then continued, "So I didn't get to tell you these past few days with everything, but my paper has been selected for this James Joyce conference at the end of the summer. Free trip to Ireland, I've never been," Eli said as Clare gave him a playful high five.

"Congratulations," she told him with a smile before she leaned in for a deep kiss.

"Thanks," Eli said as he pulled away, the intensity of that kiss making his heart race just a bit, "I was hoping you'd come too. We'd book you a separate room and I'd pay for it and for your ticket separately from the conference stuff. And then maybe we could stay in Ireland a few days later, have a little get away at the end of the break?" Eli asked hopefully.

"Are you serious?" Clare asked, her entire face lighting up.

"Of course, you wanna?" Eli asked her with a smirk.

"Yes! Oh my God, yes, please. I'd love to! I've never been there either! And I'm so excited to go with you," she replied, giving Eli another kiss after.

"Done deal then," Eli declared with a smirk.

"Only if you let me pay for some of my ticket though," Clare said, waging one of the wars that her and Eli typically had.

"All right," he gave in, knowing that he'd just buy one tonight on his credit card online and emerge victorious.

"I'm so excited!" Clare squealed playfully as she clapped her hands and Eli rolled her eyes sarcastically at her before giving her a good night kiss and walking her to her door.

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

"It's so beautiful here – I always thought that green hills thing would be just a stereotype, but it's not," Clare said from the balcony of Eli's hotel room as she looked as far ahead as she could, standing on her tippy toes.

"And now that this blasted conference is done," Eli said as he hugged her from behind and lifted her a bit higher, knowing that she was trying to see as far ahead as possible, "we can actually go do some exploring," he continued with a smirk.

"Where do you want to start?" Clare asked as she ran inside excitedly and pulled out her planning notebook.

Eli rolled her eyes at her over-planning ways and joked, "Can that notebook get any bigger? Up to you Edwards, you're the one with the plans," which earned him a playful shoulder shove.

"Craigdorough castle, all right?" Clare asked with a smile.

"Your wish is my command milady. Off we go," Eli said as he handed Clare her jacket and picked up his own and they walked hand in hand out of the hotel and Eli expertly flagged down a cab.

The castle was unlike anything that existed in Canada or North America, and it represented one of the many sites that Eli and Clare explored over the next two days. They walked around Dublin, seeing Trinity College and Library, O'Connell Street, St. Patrick's cathedral, Phoenix Park, Dublin Castle, and their last stop was the Guinness Storehouse.

"I can't believe you won," Clare said with a giggle as she ran up the stairs of the hotel to hide from the cold of the night.

"Beat all of these Irish fools out of the water, won my lady a prize," Eli said with a fake accent as Clare pulled out the tiny leprechaun man that had been given to Eli as a prize at the Guinness Storehouse for being the person in the bar to down a pint of green beer the fastest.

"My boyfriend is a talented guy," Clare teased Eli as she sat down on his bed and studied their plane tickets for the following night.

"I can't believe we leave tomorrow," she sighed.

"Been a good trip?" Eli asked.

"A great trip," Clare replied with a kiss. "Thanks for that amazing dinner. I'm going to hop in the shower in my room and then I"ll be back and we can watch a movie, okay?" she asked Eli with a coy smile.

"Perfect. I'm going to go in the hot tub for a while, it helps with my leg so much," Eli said and Clare nodded, knowing that little bit of information well.

"Is it nice?" she asked of the hot tub that was on a separate floor in the hotel. "Are there many people there?" she added.

"Gross," Eli said at once, "That's why I like it. I've been the only person in there every night. Not a fan of the public hot tub thing," he said with a grimace.

"Would you mind if….I joined?" Clare asked with a mischievous smile that only got wider as Eli faltered for words.

"_Are you serious?_ I mean, um no… yeah, do please come," he said with a blushing face, not sharing the fact that when Clare had written off a day at the beach from their plans because the weather in Dublin had not co-operated, Eli had been majorly bummed that he wouldn't get to see her in a swim suit.

"I think I just might, after my shower, okay?" she asked Eli as she gave him a quick squeeze of his arm and headed across the hall to her own room.

Eli smirked and grabbed his black swimming trunks, and when he was already in the hot tub for about ten minutes, he heard the door open, and he turned around to see Clare, wearing a simple blue dress that made the halter straps of her swim suit visible.

"Hey," she said softly, herself a little absorbed at the sight of a shirtless Eli with wet hair.

"Hey. Come here," he said impatiently.

"Just let me get my dress off," Clare said as she kicked off her flip-flops.

"If you come closer, I can…I could do that for you," Eli suggested with a smirk, and although Clare rolled her eyes playfully at him, she indulged him.

She was pretty amused when she heard Eli swallow a little – they had taken things extremely slowly since they had gotten back together, never doing more than cuddling and some more intimate kisses – but as soon as his hands touched her, she was the one to feel a little light headed. Her dress had bows at her shoulders that Eli undid gently, keeping his eyes on hers the entire time. He leaned in for a slow kiss, and his trail of kisses moved down her neck and across her shoulders, the contact with his body making her dress a little wet. When he finally slipped the straps down her shoulders, the dress fell off of her body in one fell swoop, exposing her light blue bikini that took Eli's breath away.

Clare felt a little self-conscious – she hadn't realized that the dress would slip off that quickly, but she then felt Eli caress her sides and she heard him softly say, "Clare…you're so beautiful. Just look at you," and the way his breathing was a little more laboured than usual made her giggle.

She squealed when she felt Eli pick her up at once – his skin was so hot – and she braced for the sudden impact, but when she opened her eyes after a few seconds of having them shut, she realized that he was just holding her.

"I want to go in," she said, laughing, and Eli obliged.

"Oh, it's so nice," Clare said as she took a seat next to Eli and noticed how his eyes seemed much greener as he brushed his hand through his wet black hair.

"Feels so good on my leg," he said quietly.

"I hate that it still hurts," Clare replied.

"It doesn't. But this hot tub thing has always made it feel so much better - the doctors explained it to me in Germany but I was all hopped on pain meds when they were saying all this stuff to me and I can't exactly remember it the reason why," Eli told her as he leaned back a little, taking in the sight of Clare in her swim suit with his eyes open as wide as possible.

"Stop staring at me," she said with a giggle.

"I can't. You're just too beautiful," Eli replied with perfect seriousness.

"Whatever, you just like it because I'm not wearing very much," she teased.

"You _are _killing me with that itty bitty bikini, I hope you know," Eli countered as he narrowed her eyes at her playfully.

"You'll live," Clare said with a smile, but she wanted to be closer to Eli, so she boldly moved, and placed herself on his lap, the water now coming up just to the top of her chest as she felt Eli's stomach muscles tremble a little at her proximity.

"This okay?" she asked as she ran her fingers through his hair, giggling at how it looked so different all wet.

"Um, uh huh, it's fine," Eli said, his voice a little higher than usual.

Clare then learned her head on his shoulder as she absent mindedly traced his biceps and imagined his days in the army when she thought of how slightly different his body was now, his upper body being so much broader and the lines of muscles so well-defined.

"I love you," she whispered to him as she closed her eyes in content and heard Eli echo that same feeling back to her.

When her hand moved to his chest and she was absent mindedly caressing it on top of the line of water, she felt Eli's breath hitch and she heard him say,

"Woah, okay, you're slowly killing me here, Edwards," before he kissed her gently, then moving to kiss her water-speckled shoulders.

"You don't seem to mind it too much," Clare teased back, kissing his neck playfully.

"Okay, we gotta stop, I'm sorry," Eli said and Clare gave him one last kiss before moving off his lap and watching him get out of the water and wrap a towel around his waist.

She followed him quickly after, and Eli placed a towel around her shoulders and pulled her close as she shook out her wet curls and Clare laughed in amusement.

"You've got cute wet hair," she teased him as she reached up and ran her hands through it.

"Well, you've got cute everything," Eli said back as he smirked at Clare and moved the towel off her body, reached for the dress that she had worn down here and slipped it over her head, kissing her shoulders in a way that made Clare shiver in pleasure before he did up the bows that held it up.

They then headed for the elevator and Clare leaned into his embrace all the way back to their floor, changed in her room, and then knocked on Eli's door. He opened it and she made her way into the room that she spent most of her time on the trip when they weren't out on urban adventures – she basically only used her room to change and to sleep in it.

"Want a Coke?" she asked as he headed for the mini-fridge in his room, and Eli confirmed.

"These tiny sizes are so weird," he said with a frown as he sat down on the edge of the bed as Clare flipped channels from the nearby love seat.

"There's nothing on – or nothing that I know anyway, unless you want to watch strange Irish talent shows," she said with a frown.

"Edwards, half the time that I'm in this country I don't even understand what people are saying to me – I watch their lips move and I have no clue what's coming out," Eli said with a smirk, "I guarantee to you that I have no desire whatsoever to hear them sing. I thought you said you wanted to watch a movie. That purple button on the remote is like this pay-per-view thing. If you click it, a list of movies comes up," Eli explains.

He then saw Clare turn the TV off and said, "Or not. The purple button, Clare, not the red," with a chuckle.

He watched as Clare placed the remote beside the TV and a little blush spread on her face as she said, with perfect confidence, "I know. But I don't want to watch a movie," her eyes fixed on his.

"Um, okay then. What do you want to do? Want to go out for a bit of dessert maybe? It's not too late," Eli said as he looked at his watch.

"No, Eli, I don't want to go out," Clare said as she moved towards him and took his hands in hers. Eli then raised an eyebrow at her and scanned her eyes as she said,

"I don't want to go out, and I don't want to watch a movie. I want to be with you," she declared as her cheeks flushed crimson.

"W-what do you mean?" Eli asked, not wanting to misinterpret things.

When Clare straddled him, wrapping her legs around him as he sat on the edge of the bed and she placed her hands on one of the buttons on his black dress shirt, he was pretty sure he wasn't misinterpreting after all.

"I mean… that…we've been together for a long time now…almost two years when you think about it. You've been amazing at not pressuring me into anything, but…I want to spend the night with you," Clare said assertively.

She heard Eli let out a deep breath before he kissed her gently and he then said, "God, Clare….of course I want to hold you in my arms tonight," as he brushed the curls out of her face.

"Not…not _just_ that, Eli," she said as her hands caressed his chest.

"I thought…we said that…remember? I told you that I want everything for you to happen in the way that would make you happiest. The way you've always dreamed about it. That on your wedding night," Eli said as he massaged her back, "You wear a gorgeous white dress, that you're happy with who is waiting at the end of the aisle, and that you're…virginal," he said as Clare softly moaned at his hands' caresses of her back.

"Eli…it's gonna be _you_. It's gonna be _you_ waiting at the end of the aisle, and we both know it," Clare said assertively, and she watched as a smirk spread over his face.

"I sure hope so," he replied before he kissed her gently again, and Clare deepened the kiss before she let him pull away.

"Eli…I'm not…I'm not ready to go all the way, and I know you promised me that –" she began, but Eli gently cut her off.

"I'll _never_ pressure you, Clare. Ever. Just kissing you and holding you makes me so happy," he finished, Clare's proximity as she was softly pressing her body against him making him lose all control of his senses.

His cologne was taking a similar toll on Clare as she replied, "I know. But I was hoping that…before our wedding night, because who knows when that will be…we can spend a special night tonight, just…being together…a little more intimate," her voice faltering as Eli was softly kissing her neck, moving her necklaces out of the way so he could kiss her everywhere.

"_Oh_…Eli, oh..." she softly moaned before recollecting herself and asking, "Yes?"

"What do you mean exactly?" Eli asked, wanting to make sure he didn't push any lines.

Clare ran her fingers through his hair and softly tugged at the roots, making him stop his kisses and face her as she trailed her hands all the way down to his belt and whispered, "I want us to just be together tonight, and I want…I want to make you feel special," her blue eyes shining up at Eli.

"God, Clare," he moaned at her touch, trembling a little before he took her hands and intertwined her fingers and whispered, "I…I've always dreamed of this moment," as he gently picked her up and laid her down on the bed's soft satin sheets.

"But…" Eli whispered before kissing her passionately, "Tonight…tonight's for you, okay?" he breathed as he pulled away, caressing the green soft material of her elegant dress.

Eli felt Clare wrap her legs around him and draw him closer once again, and when she began unbuttoning the buttons on his black shirt, he swallowed deeply because he felt like he was going to burst right then and there. He closed his eyes in sheer pleasure as Clare echoed each button with a soft kiss on his skin and many caresses of his chest. She then slid off the dress shirt from his body and even removed his guitar necklace before she gently pressed her palm to his heart and smiled when she felt it pounding, beating faster than she had ever felt it before.

"Eli….no…tonight's about you. All about you. And…you should also know that…I can't…so don't feel bad, okay?" she asked, faltering for the first time tonight, which made Eli pause his actions at once and focus his eyes on hers as he softly stroked her cheek.

"What are you talking about?" he asked with a raised eyebrow.

Clare leaned up and kissed him sweetly a few times, making Eli notice her swollen lips and flushed face when he gently brought her down to rest her head on the soft pillows of his incredibly nice hotel bed. She then played with his cartilage piercing for a minute before she said,

"You know…I just _can't_. I can't…don't feel bad that you can't get me there, okay? Don't even try. I want it to be all about you," she repeated, but by now Eli was only focused on the things that she was saying in reference to herself.

"Clare…are you talking about what you think I'm talking about? You think I can't make you feel good?" Eli asked, and Clare was surprised to see an amused look on his face.

"It's not your fault, you see," she then began explaining – because this is the way it had been explained to her. "It's mine…I just can't have one, I never have, and…there's something different, something wrong, it's my fault, it's nothing to do with you. But it's okay, Eli, I don't care, I just…I just want to be with you," she said, and Eli quickly, but gently pulled her up into his lap as drew her body gently so that she was facing him, both of their breaths irregular as she placed her hands on his chest.

"Clare…" Eli said with a concerned look in his eye, "no offense, but that is _the most ridiculous thing_ I have ever heard in my life. It's completely false, too. How on earth is there something wrong with you? You're a beautiful, amazing, young girl. _Of course _I can make you feel good," Eli said and Clare looked at him even more intensely.

She felt his hands caress her back through her dress and she kissed his shoulder, hugging him so she didn't have to meet his eyes as she said, "No, Eli…but there _is_. I don't want you to try and then when it doesn't work, I don't want to fake anything. Not with you. It's all right that I can't, it really is. When I'm a little older, I think I'll be able to," she said sadly, as she felt Eli's warm skin against her face when she hid her face in his neck.

She knew that he was shaking his head, and she knew that her age comment had given away the person who had put the nonsense into Clare's head that she was currently relaying to Eli.

She felt his hands travel to her underarms, and he gently pulled her out of his embrace and held her up so their eyes were level.

"Clare," he sighed before kissing her deeply and making her whole body shiver, "That literally is _the most ridiculous thing_ I've ever heard in my life. You _can_, and you _will_. But you gotta drop this idea that there's something wrong with you, or that it's your fault. I know who fed you these lies, but it's just a bunch of crap. It's typical jerk lines, Clare," Eli spelled it out for her.

"What do you mean?" she asked as she placed her hands on his shoulders.

"It's nonsense, Clare. _Look at you_," Eli said as she gazed at her lovingly, "You're _perfect_," he deadpanned. "There is not, and there will _never_ be anything wrong with you. _Ever_. You're a beautiful, even virginal, amazing girl. Lines like that – that it's your fault, that there's something wrong with you, the 'only if you want to,' the 'just relax,' the 'I don't want to force you'…that's what jerks tells girls to manipulate them into doing what they want them to do," Eli explained, and he saw Clare's chin tremble a little…she had been told all of those lines since her separation with Eli, so much that she had gotten to believe them.

"Oh, Clare," Eli sighed as he kissed her cheek, "They really did you wrong," he whispered as he held her close.

"Eli," Clare breathed shallowly as she leaned back down on the bed and pulled Eli down with her, "I love you more than I've ever loved anyone in my life. One day, Eli," she said as she wrapped her legs around him again,

"One day…you and I are going to be each other's in _every_ sense of the word," she continued as Eli began kissing the exposed area above her dress, "And…_oh…oh_," she faltered, "And…you know what else?" she asked.

"What?" Eli asked as he stopped his kisses in order to look up at her.

"We're gonna make a baby," she whispered as she felt Eli's kisses resume, traveling down her body to her stomach over the material of her dress.

"Are we now, Edwards?" she heard him ask, a smug tone in her voice.

"Or two," Clare responded with a giggle.

She then breathlessly added, "Because I love you…forever".

She felt Eli's kisses go up her body again as he replied, "I love you too, Clare. Forever," and she immediately moved his hands to her side, to the zipper of her dress.

"Take it off, Eli," she breathed impatiently, her chest heaving all of a sudden.

Eli paused for a second to give her a slow kiss that he felt calm her down a little, and soon the zipper was pulled down, exposing just a bit of skin that Eli kissed, making Clare sigh in ecstasy.

When he began to slide off the dress, Clare felt his breath be the one to hitch as her lacy black bra came into view. Eli gently caressed its edges and playfully kissed each little pink bow that lied intertwined among its black lace as Clare wrapped her legs around him tighter and sighed euphorically when Eli kissed the top of her chest.

"God, you're so beautiful, Clare," she heard him sigh before she playfully pushed him away a little and raised her body off the mattress a little, undoing his belt buckle as he moaned almost inaudibly.

When Clare undid the button of his black jeans and pulled down the zipper as she looked into his eyes, she heard him sigh ecstatically and giggled mischievously as they both pulled his jeans off. Clare trailed her hands down his chest as she stared at him and when her hands reached the waistband of his black boxers, she felt him kiss her shoulders and gently take her hands and bring both of their bodies back into an embrace. He then slowly and gently slipped off her dress, raising her body off the mattress a little in order to do it seamlessly.

Her entire body felt so warm under his touch, and everything that he was doing, others had done to her – taking her clothes off, but it was absolutely incomparable to what Eli was making her feel. If she had been with any of her previous boyfriends, Clare knew that everything would have already ended – they were all always in such a rush for the finish line that they always left her worried and anxious more than anything – worried that she wasn't good enough at this stuff, that they were going to get disappointed, so she had just left them touch her for a second before giving them what she knew they really wanted.

But Eli…Clare felt as if she had never been touched by a boy before when she saw how Eli did it. He was moving slowly, looking directly in her eyes so often and interrupting his caresses of her body to kiss her and only focus on kissing her, making her entire body arch in pleasure. He would first touch her skin with only his fingertips, then he would caress it softly before he would finally let his lips touch it, placing gentle kisses that made Clare reward him with a series of soft and intriguing little moans. She knew that he was doing it this way so that no touch of his would leave her surprised, uncomfortable or caught off-guard, and she was so grateful for being treated like a princess that she could tear up.

She knew that she was losing herself in his touches to the point where she was barely touching him at all, but she also knew that he didn't mind, that he loved being able to make her feel like this, and that he took pride in it. He was kissing her through her barely-there lace bra and caressing her stomach when her hands traveled to his hair, tugging on it softly.

"This okay?" she heard him breathe.

"Eli, _oh my God_ Eli….this is all so much more than okay," she moaned, barely being able to form coherent words, and she saw him smirk up at her. His kisses traveled lower and lower, until his hands caressed the edges of her matching black lace panties and she gasped in feeling so in and out of her own body at the same time.

Her breathing was a mess, her curls were messy, and Eli saw the marks of his kisses on her skin as he traveled back up her body and kissed her deeply as her chest rose and feel irregularly.

"I love you," she moaned, "and this…Eli, this is unlike I've ever felt before. Ever," she said, almost panting.

"I love you too," Eli replied with a confident smirk, slipping one of his hands under her and raising her off the bed just a little so he could kiss her again.

"Clare," she heard him moan as his entire body trembled for a second before she felt his hand move to the edge of her panties and he whispered, "I don't want to do anything you don't like," because Eli suspected that she might be a bit uncomfortable at first – especially if others had tried and failed, "and I can stop right here and right now," he told her.

Clare then exhaled deeply and giggled, "God, no, Eli, are you kidding me? Please…_please_ don't stop," a request which was met by a smug smirk on his part.

"Your wish is my command," he said before he pressed a kiss to her neck and then added, "Tell me if it doesn't feel good, okay? If you feel uncomfortable ever, tell me, okay?" he said assertively, and Clare nodded in confirmation because she knew Eli needed that.

She loved that even after her nod, he didn't rip her underwear off and just head for the finish line – he rather caressed her entire body again, showering it with kisses and leaning her into his embrace as his hand caressed her skin on the outside of her panties before he finally ventured underneath their boundary, feeling Clare's body tense up a little.

"Hey, hey…" he whispered to her, "I got you. I'm not going to do anything you don't like," he confirmed for her, and he felt her relax a little, and when she felt the contact of his fingers as he advanced, Clare moaned ever so softly and widened her eyes up at Eli in surprise. She gasped and relaxed at his touch, knowing that there was no one in the world that she could trust more than Eli.

"Oh my God…" she moaned as her back arched a little off the bed and she felt Eli kiss her deeply.

He kept her face close to hers as he slowly watched her reactions to his movements, the way she would close her eyes and toss her head to the side as she raised her back higher and higher off the bed and lost the ability to meet his kisses as her eyes closed in ecstasy and she moaned his name loudly, grabbing onto him roughly with both of her arms when she felt Eli take her to heights that she didn't even know were possible.

"I…oh my God," she softly moaned as Eli quickly discerned what he needed to do in order to make her feel as loved and cared for as possible. "Eli…don't stop….keep going," she told him through half-lidded eyes, and when he kissed her neck and did as he was told, he began to feel a soft trembling take over her entire body. Clare moaned softly with each of his movements, experiencing total surrender in the embrace of the boy that she loved, and she gently said his name as she hung onto him with all of her strength.

Eli made sure to keep his movements gentle but sharp and passionate, their mass leading to one powerful moment of tension in her entire body Eli felt her grip on his shoulders become even tighter before he felt her relax as she panted his name softly, over and over again as the trembling took over her entire body, and she finally opened her eyes, shock and incredulity etched all over her face. Eli watched in amazement as a deep blush cascaded from her cheeks to her upper chest, flushing crimson in a testament of the honesty and intensity of what she just had just experienced with him…when combined with the look in her eyes, it all composed what Eli knew was the most erotic moment of his life, and something told him that that also stood for Clare.

Eli retreated his hand and collapsed next to her on the soft sheets, pulled her into a tight hug and held her close, caressing her entire body as he kissed her curls over and over again as Clare fought to regain her breathing, her mind still completely spinning from the experience. It was certainly unlike anything she had ever felt before, but it was also certainly unlike anything she had ever imagined being capable of ever feeling before.

Her upper body stopped trembling as Eli pulled a sheet over their intertwined bodies, but she was grateful that he kept up his gentle caresses of her legs because Clare was sure that she had lost all control over her own body, and Eli's touches were surely more successful at getting the shivering under control than anything she could do. She clung to him tightly and when she regained control of her body, the first thing she did was kiss him slowly, closely, never wanting to let him go. She ran her fingers through his hair and took in the pleased smirk on his face and she began to giggle at the sight.

"Eli," she still softly moaned, "God, Eli…what…what on Earth…I never thought it would be…just…oh my God," she struggled to explain as she tossed her head slightly back, but as she looked up at Eli's smug smirk she knew that he understood.

"Yeah, so, I never want to hear you say that you can't ever again," he teased as he placed a playful kiss on her lips. "Wanted to give you a memorable first," he said with a shrug.

"Oh my God, you sure did," Clare sighed. "Unbelievable, you just…I feel…I feel…perfect," Clare declared as she cuddled into him.

Eli breathed a relieved sigh himself, pleased that Clare was more than just simply okay with what had happened. After a few minutes, he felt the shaking of her legs subside and when she slowly began kissing his chest, he felt his breathing escape him as he said,

"No, Clare, you don't have to. One thing at a time, I'm good," he insisted, but before he knew what he was doing, Clare had straddled him and was shaking her head playfully.

"I don't think so," she said before she kissed him sweetly, pressing her chest against his, making him lose all control of his senses. Every breath that lingered between their kisses fanned the flame, and her warm and occasionally still trembling body drove him absolutely insane – in the best way possible.

When her hand slipped inside his boxers, she heard him exhale deeply and moan her name as his eyes closed. He kept it together just long enough to kiss her slowly as he felt her first touches on him, but as she advanced in her movements, all he could do was close his eyes and try to hold out as long as possible for her, moaning her name uncontrollably. They both knew that he would respond to her touches quickly, and Clare kissed him when he reached his peak and collapsed against the bed, his breathing indicating how totally spend he was.

"Oh my God, Clare," he exclaimed, barely able to form any words as he realized what had just happened; and it wasn't even the fact that it had been so long for him, but the fact that tonight represented a night of total surrender for both of them in every way possible. As he helped Clare clean up a little, handing her some tissues, and gently kissing her shoulders as she retreated back into his embrace and laying her hand above his heart as he was panting uncontrollably, Eli could only think of the trust that they had both demonstrated tonight. And as he looked into Clare's eyes, he knew. He knew that she was thinking that what had made things so amazing for them tonight was not the physical things that had happened, but what they meant.

"I love you," he told her when he regained control of his voice.

"I love you too. Tonight was…it was…" Clare said, searching for the right words.

"All right?" Eli said, a little worried.

"God, no," Clare replied with a giggle. "It was…heavenly," she finally declared it, causing Eli to flash her a huge smirk and kiss her forehead.

"You'll never not be my girl," he whispered to her as he held her close and made sure that the blankets properly covered her so that she would not be cold at night.

"Never," she replied with a wink as she let out a contended sigh and rested her head on his chest.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

The next day, Clare was amazed at how even the way Eli held her hand now felt more intimate, and she explored the sights of the national park in pure joy by Eli's side.

"It's making me sad, that we have to go, you know," she told him as they stood by some waterfalls that reminded her of their Niagara adventure.

"We can come back sometime," Eli said with a shrug. "And there's tons of other places that we can still go to. I start work in April," Eli pointed out. "And I got an offer to write another book," he added with a smirk.

"Really?" Clare asked him with a bright smile.

"Really. And you don't have that much longer to go until you're a lawyer," he pointed out.

"I know. Oh, that's so fantastic about your book, Eli. What's it gonna be about, do you know yet?" Clare asked eagerly.

"Oh, I think I've got a love story left in me to spill out," Eli said with a smirk.

"I think you just might," Clare teased back. "Still a little sad to have to go," she then added thoughtfully.

"Well, let's see if I can make you feel a bit better," Eli then replied with a smirk as he turned around to fully face Clare.

He told her, "There's something that I've been dying to tell you. I gotta give you something that I've been carrying around in my pocket for three weeks. I can't wait any longer," he said.

"What is it?" Clare asked with a smile.

"It's this," Eli said with perfect confidence as Clare saw him pull out a square velvet box and her hands flew to her mouth when she saw him get down on one knee.

"What are you doing…?" she whispered as she felt emotion enter her voice.

"Clare…I'm asking you something. You are the only girl I'll ever love. A long time ago you told me that I saved you in every way that a person could be saved, and I wonder if you know that you did the same thing for me. I know this might be a bit sooner than you expect, but I just couldn't wait anymore. I'll wait for you to finish law school and I'll wait for you to do everything that you wish, you know. But I want you in my life. As my wife. I want us to have that child or two that you talked about, and I want you to be the person that I come home to every night, and I want to be the guy that's waiting for you at the end of the aisle. I want…I want to be your best friend forever, Clare. Forever. So…I want to ask you if you want to become my wife. I want, I want to ask you, Clare Diana Edwards, if…if you'll marry me," Eli finished with perfect confidence as tears streamed down Clare's face.

"I will!" she said at once, screaming it happily for all other Dubliners at the national park that day to hear as well. "I will, and yes, I want everything that you just said, Eli. _Everything_. Forever, Eli," she said as she saw Eli stand up and she heard him laugh as he slipped the beautiful sparkling diamond engagement ring on her finger. She then embraced him at once, as they both laughed ecstatically and Clare felt Eli twirl her around after she lifted her legs off the ground.

They heard a few cheers and 'congratulations' come from those around them, but as they looked into each other's eyes and stole kisses, all they could think of was the years that they had ahead of them, standing by each other as best friends and husband and wife, always willing to give the other one all of their love.


End file.
